Thursday, June 28, 2007

dark side of the moon

Ok, I was telling my dad about our house there in the homeland, he called a guy he golfs with, he says he might have a buyer for it..and he will be calling us soon. So we will see..


I am still unsure about going to Prince...My heart is just not in it. I don't know why.

We will see..

Oh and my friends at work keep teasing me because they think one of our co-workers is in love with me. This girl, the one I was going to go with to the show, cries when she thinks I am mad at her, is jealous of all my other friends, and told one of our other co-workers she should just become a lesbian. So now they think she is in love with me.


This is me and my good friend DillyWeed...I love her..

Here we are out on the deck......the sun shining and the wind blowing up my right up my shirt..sonofabitch

This is Dillweed posing like a hooker.....

So that is of my best friends. I am going to a cookout Thursday night with the rest of my friends, so I will introduce you to them tommorow.


I am sorry. I am sorry for being a bad blogger. When I come home tommorow night, I am going to devote my night to catching up on everyone...Love you guys and I miss you all.


I have this sick feeling in me. It has to do with the lie I told the girl who everyone thinks is in love with me....I did not tell a big lie, but I made up some story about not being able to go to Prince with her. I feel sick.

I really hate lying. I am not a good liar. Even though I do not want to go with her, I am almost tempted to go anyway, just because I feel so sick about the lie.

I do not know what to do.

I do not want to go with her, yet I feel sick about the lie, and almost feel OBLIGATED to go now...with her.

So much drama I deal with...I do not care for drama, unless it is in a one hour fashion on my tv, saying " like sands thru the hourglass, these are the days of our lives...yadda yadda yadda.."


Thats me...I am at the crazy house. The crazy house that ole baboon and barracuda run. Oh yes, and them wilderbeast are going to be cutting my hours..along with all the other part time people..

Even though I work full time hours, I am still "part time"

When that happens, I will not only stab them, but also show them my cottage cheese looking fanny and my middle finger when I leave.

I may be escorted out by some former co-workers..

the cops i work with at the county jail....


I have never have been so stressed in my life.....

* I have a house in turmoil...I want it to burn to the ground, or sell...or get carried away by a twister..

* I hate my job and want to shower barracuda and baboon with a nice warm shower of diarrhea

* I am living with the anguish of a lie I told

* I am being teased that a chic at work is in love with me..

although in her defense, I do have some mad muscles and pretty eyes...oh and big ta-ta's OH and a sparkly personality....and I always smell good....I am tall, dark and smell nice...

Ok, I would be in love with me too....crapola.

* my kids ask me daily why I need to go work

* Boo told me she has not went shopping with me since the other week ago last month...

not sure what that means, but I guess its been a while.

* I do not get to eat dinner with my family as I do not get home until 9pm three nights a week, the other two its 6pm

* I miss my old friends, but am rather enjoying all my new ones since moving here

* I do not know what to do about this concert coming up...its making me sick inside..

although you may not see it, but I do have a heart, and I have always hated to tell lies, and normally after I tell a lie the guilt consumes me an I end up spilling the beans. Its already getting to me me..I do believe in God and all that fancy stuff, and I do not want to have to explain to him why I told this lie to her when I meet him at the pearly gates

* I hate the tension at see I work with Dillyweed, we are close, then when the girl who loves me comes in, there is tension, because her and dillyweed do not get along...AT ALL. normally I am the peacemaker with them, but I cant do it anymore, I can not clear the air anymore for her...She has to deal with Dillyweed on her own. I no longer want to be in the middle.

There is enough Bossy to go round.

Shit, I need to call it a day.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

stressing out

I am going on a binge of some kind. Drinking, maybe sex, maybe drugs, maybe prank calling strangers..I have not made up my mind yet..

My realtor called and informed me that our renters have not paid rent in two months. You see she pays us, then they pay her...

Well only she has been paying us, normally NOT on time either, and then they pay her.

I guess the guy has no job, they have no money and yadda yadda yadda I wanna murder everyone.

As if I have not been dealing with enough stress.

So she has started the eviction process.

Oh and I am thinking of selling my Prince tickets. The concert is on July 7th.

I am so going to hell, because the girl I was going with, well, I really do not want to go with her. No reason, I just don't. So I lied, told her a story as to why I can not go...Now I am buying her ticket , as I ordered them, and have them both in my possession . I spent around 150 on each ticket...(she paid me 130.00)

Shaky doesn't wanna go, my mom would go but then I would have to drive, and I HATE driving downtown Minneapolis..I got lost last year, ended up on a crazy one way street, and nearly died of heart failure.

So I do not know what to do.

You know I am having issues when I am wanting to sell my ticket.

That is how much stress I have been under the last month.

I think I need a good colon cleansing..A nice good anal cleansing.

This is me, You can tell I am stressed..I am pale, I have dark circles under my eyes, and my eyes are also blood shot.

Plus I have a huge zit on my chin.


I am bloated, my boobs hurt, I am thisclose to giving my house back to the bank..(not THIS house, THAT house)

But before I let the bank take it back, I am going to get my brand new appliances out of it...

That's how badly I am stressing out....I am wanting to strip my house of my appliances.

Of course I am not giving my house to the bank, well not today anyway...But I want to.

It is hard dealing with that from another state. I cant kick my renters ass from 1000 miles away...Unless I fly on my broomstick.

I cant do it.

I am way too stressed.

WAY 2 stressed.

Anyone want to buy 2 Prince tickets for $300.00?

yes, didn't think so.


Tuesday, June 26, 2007


I did something today I do not normally do. In the last say 20 years I may have done this once .

I bought my own tampons today. I even bought the Sport kind, cause I am a sporty kinda gal. Normally I send the Shakester off to get all my feminine hygiene products. Because I am a pansy ass that way. Even when I was a teen I made my dad buy them. I am sure he was glad when I finally moved out...

I was going to purchase some K-Y Jelly for good measure, because I felt I was on a roll or something..But I did not...

Maybe next time.

Maybe not.

So this is how my meeting went down.

They give me the 3rd degree about that damn letter. I am asked how I think we should rectify the negativity in the work place. I tell them it is not my job to do is there job, as I did not cause the up heave, they did.

They asked me if I stand by the letter, I told them I do.

I told them if they are going to fire us, do it now...And that we are tyring to forget about it, but they keep hashing it up.

They said no one was getting fired.

I asked them how they expect us to move on, when they keep throwing it in our faces.

Sounds like it will be all blown over soon....

but I still stabbed them both with my ice pick.

Flipping out on a daily basis..

I am thisclose to needing some sort of anxiety pill/crack.

Crack is whack.

Monday, June 25, 2007

A brand new DAY

Well it seems I have slowly recovered from the night of fun that reeked havoc on my intestinal track. Shaky remained me that I killed a bunch of brain cells and that I will never be as smart as I was Friday night before I left with the girls..

Its a small price to pay to puke in a public establishment.

By Saturday evening Mr Shaky wanted to go to the movie theater to see Evan Almighty.

So we went.

I ate some popcorn, my tummy was not happy. It was very cute, and I LOVE Miss Wanda Sykes, she is so damn funny. And you no what? This movie had not one curse word in it.

This post you are reading now, has more curse words then this damn movie..see there ya go..

If you have older kids, they will love it...

no i am not a paid spokesman for the movie , nor to I profit from you seeing it..I am just paying it forward, telling u bout something u might wanna go take the kids sue me.

So my big individual meeting with Barracuda and Baboon will take place at 10 am CST. I am going prepared. I am taking an ice pick, just for good measure.


I have come up with a dilemma with my 10 year old son...

You see, he plays this game online. Its called Ruin Scape or something to that effect. He has been playing it for a few months. Him and his lady friend play it, along with other kids from school.

I told him, pounded this is his head.. DO NOT TALK TO ANYONE ONLINE YOU DO NOT KNOW. I mean it is drilled into his head, kinda like wiping your ass after you sit on the pooper.

Come to find out, he was talking with this female. A 19 year old female. A 19 year old female who thought he was 23. A 19 year old female who thought he was 23, that said he broke her heart and that he cheated on her.


I wont go into every bloody gory detail, but he gave this girl his password, and she used all his money and deleted all his friends.

I told him over and over again, never to give your password to ANYONE but his dad and I.

Mr Shaky doesn't even have my email password...not that I care, but he has never asked and I have never told him...

I just don't understand why he did that.

he had to have been doing all these breaking of the 19 year olds heart at my moms, as he was only allowed on the computer on weekends here for 20 minutes a day. Plus I was always sitting here watching him..

So not only is he NEVER playing that game again, but he is not allowed on a computer of any kind until he can afford to buy his own.

Since I only pay him 5 bucks a week, it wont be anytime soon.

Well, I will let you know if I have a job after my is a list of possible scenarios me and my buddies have come up with

1. They are apologizing and giving us raises

2. We are fired.

3.They are reviewing our job performance then either firing or raising us.

4.They are werewolves and they are preparing for a full moon..ok, thats just mine.

5.They are going to ask each of us if we want the house manager job

6. They want to have dirty office sex with us..which I am oppose to, being one is a barracuda and one is a baboon.

7. They want to kill us..that is why I am bringing the ice pick.

so those are the only possible reasons we can think of.

Right now, I do not even care which it is.

When they brought our schedule for July in Friday, it was only filled out for the first two weeks...when it is normally done by the month.

I might need two ice picks and one rubber mallet.

I will keep you updated on which weapon I needed.

Peace and love...

Saturday, June 23, 2007

what the fu* did I do

Ok, I did a stupid thing. Every time I do this, which is NOT often, I say I will never in my life do that ever again. nomatterwhat.

But there I go. I did it.

I went out with my friends Swiss and JV...

By 11pm JV and I were puking in the establishment bathroom. We would come out, and keep on trucking. At midnight we not only could not walk, but we had tummy aches and head aches and wanted to go home. Swiss on the other hand wanted to go to the bar...she was just starting.

So our driver..yes, we had a driver, she sat with us the whole night, and listened to us slur our words and make no sense..God bless DD, took JV and I home, as we live right across the street from each other. I walked into her driveway and sat while she tried a few times to get into her house. After she got it figured out, she stood in her yard until I made it home and turned my light off.

I get home, crawl my best up to my bed. I tell Mr Shaky not only will I not be putting PJ's on, but I wont be brushing my teeth or pottying, as it may cause me to vomit more.

I layed down, he put his hand on me, and went to sleep. I moaned and groaned, puked and use four letter words over and over again.

He got me ice water, Tylenol, and tried like hell to get my dignity back.

I got up, head hanging in the shitter, hair full of puke and toilet water, then just acted as though it was normal and went back and laid on my pillow.

I wake up in the morning, and I have fuzzy recollections of the nights events.

I do remember drinking at least 3 white Russians, more then 6 or 7 screwdrivers and maybe 5 or 6 or 20 sex on the beach drinks.

what happen in between those drinks I can not recall. Oh I did have a Bazooka shot, taste just like the bubble gum and something they called a crackpipe shot, kinda tasted like a sweetart.

So today, I have splitting headache. No, not splitting, its sort of like gaping.

Here is me last night and the early hours of the AM today..

I am going back to retrieve my spot on my davenport as my grandma calls it..and couch, or sofa for u people who don't know what a davenport is.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

some kinda wonderful

So, Monday I have a meeting. Each and every one of us whom work at the crazy house are being called to our very own personal meeting. The Barracuda lady and the Baboon lady want to meet with us. One. At. A. Time. My big meeting is fourth in line. Mine is at 10am. Whoo Hoo bitches...

We have a joke that they are calling us in to tell us about our raises.

I will actually shit my pants if that is the case, but, I am pretty confident that she aint the case here. But as always, I will keep you posted.


This is what happens when I am hard at work and Mr Shaky is in charge of all major operations and keeping my business here flowing smoothly.


This is Boo. Sleeping...yes she is sleeping...BUT if you notice she is sleeping inside her little toy holder...This ladybug normally houses about 20-30 pieces of fluff. Stuffed animals if u will.

But she has turned this into a make shift sleeping bag.

Rest assured, she is tucked nicely into her big girl bed...WITH pajamas on.

And speaking of pajama's when I got home from work at 9 pm I told The Boy to get his pajama's on...

20 minutes later he came up from his room...NO JAMMIES.

I remind him that I did indeed give those orders.

So he starts to take his shirt off.

I tell him,

just because your taking your shirt off, does not constitute as PJ'S.

aww mom.....thats so not fair.

no, whats not fair is me having a son whom is too damn lazy to put on actual sleeping gear...oh and wearing the same boxers for two days running...

He was not impressed.

I am sure he is down in his room right now calling me a bitch under his breath. No, I take that back, my son does not swear, nor does he like hearing it, so he is probably doing something like this..

man my mom is such a poopy pants.

yea whatever.

~ I told Mr Shakes about my wanting to join Weight Watchers. He is all like

um dear, you do not need to lose any weight, you look "good"..I mean really "good"

after I cleared the vomit from my mouth I reassured him I am a fat sow.

he still claims this is not true, and a man of God would not lie.

In his defense though, he has not seen my naked since 1996..

with the lights on anyway.

Flipping the bird to all the barracuda's and bamboos in a 10 miles radius. Sleep well bitches.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

stop talking with your mouth open

Do you ever have days where you wish everyone would stop talking? Like maybe a whole day where you did nothing but sign language, or hell, just plain ignored each other?

Yea, I suppose that is just me.

When you have kids, you can not wait until they say their first words. And we, as moms, want the first words they utter to be..momma.

Well after the first few hundred times it is cute and charming.

There after, it is completely and utterly gut retching.

momma, I want juice
momma I am hungry
momma why
momma pwease
momma I not sweepy

yes, you have all heard it all know what I mean.

My Boo is thisclose to me sewing her pie hole completely shut.

And I don't even know how to sew, this is would be messy and slightly painful.

She asks weekly if we are going shopping. Granted, in her defense, we use to go out shopping once a week, while the other two heathens were busy getting a nice shiny public education..

Now that school is out, it is not so much fun shopping.

So we have not been going. I tell her I have no money. It is better then telling her I would rather have my toe bit off by a large man eating cooter..for you people unaware, a cooter is a snapper...(someone told me that, I don't remember who...but I do know someone did.) then to go out for a day of shopping and an outing to a fancy lunch joint with three kids....THESE three kids anyway.

anyhoo, I tell her I have no money because that is just easier...

So she finds a penny. I kid you not..She tells me she has money and that we can go shopping now.

I tell her a penny wont buy candy outta the one cent machine...

So she finds a few quarters.

I can not win....

Course I had to find them quarters cause with my job on the line, I have to save money where I can.
Then after I got my Boo pee pee and poo poo trained, I thought my days of diapers and baby food was long passed me. But when you are stupid enough to spend 100 bucks on Ebay for a fuc*ing Baby Alive for your 7 year old for Christmas, you truly are a dumb ass if u you do this..I did, and yes, I am a dumbass..there I said it. Then you sort of deserve whatever ramifications come with making such a ridiculous purchase

but since she got this talking and eating piece of plastic that sort of looks like some sort of love child between Holly Hobby and ET, I have to spend money on diapers and baby food. In fact this conversation happened in my house just 5 minutes ago..

Blondie:Boo played with my baby alive and there is baby food all over my sheets

Boo:uh uh, no i didn't

Blondie: I don't have money to just buy food and diapers whenever I want..and I bet she used my last diaper...gee whiz I can not have anything nice with her living here..

To which my reply was...

I have not been able to buy anything nice since 1997...So get over it.

So my work situation is no better. I hate pulling in the driveway still. But if it wasn't for the 4 people who live there or the three co-workers I spend my day with, I would not go back.

Since this all went down I think the four of us have a tighter bond. I truly love these girls, and am grateful to have been able to work with them..

One is my neighbor, she lives right across the street from me. She too has a big fat mouth like I do...So her and I are never shy to speak our minds about our boss who sprouts no penis or visible genitalia of any kind..oh and he likes things rammed up his ass, or so I have been told..

But she is awesome. In fact her little girl and Blondie are quite the little pair. One day last week my mom took them to the park and they both got stuck up on top of the army truck and I had to go get them off.

Them damn kids....

But if this job has given me anything, it is a few friendships that I think will last me a long while, hopefully a lifetime, or at least till the next harvest moon.


On my walk I saw a decapitated rabbit.


Please for the love of God do not allow me to eat Dairy Queen anymore. I have almost dropped the few pounds I wanted in order to join weight watchers.

I know, it makes no sense, I know this.

I am tired of these big ta ta's and wide ass following me around every nook and cranny. Its almost like its stalking me.

I hate being fat. I hate being lazy..ok, i like being lazy.

So I am on a mission. A mission of epic proportions, to lose 80 pounds.

Don't question me. 80 pounds will take me down to roughly the size of a 5th grader.

And I am cool with that. 5th graders kick ass.

Floppers always welcome.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Get a real JOb

It seems the ole Jehovah Witness peddlers were out in full force this weekend.

I have posted about this before, not sure why I am doing it again, other then the fact I think there may have been some illegal activity this time.

Now I am all for people who are passionate about their religious beliefs. Thats cool. I am all about God an Jesus and singing hymns and shit..really I am...

What I do have issues with, is when you come to my home and try a force it on me.

That is not the way you convert people. Normally cults are the only ones who try to convert you, and yes, I am calling the JW folk a cult. If you are a member of this cult, GET OUT WHILE U CAN.

Do not come to my home, do not talk to my kids and please for the love of GOD himself, don't leave your damn pamphlets in my door.

Ok, I would rather you leave them on my door, then lets say, my counter top.

You see, this is where the illegal portion of the post comes in...

We spent all day Saturday out of doors....All 5 of us...

We come in the house and there is a nice JW leaflet on my counter. I question all kids, none brought it in. Now unless the Almighty Jehovah brought it in Himself, I am thinking these creepy asses brought it in for me..

These people are sort of like the drug dealers who try and pressure your kids into trying some crack. You see, if I wanted some crack, I would have a dealer and I would not need to be approached.

Same with this, if I wanted your freaking handouts, I would walk my fat ass up to your cult headquarters and ask for one myself.

Unless you have seen my fat ass looking thru your cult headquarters windows, chances are, I don't want your crap, nor do I want to read it.

I realize our world is made up of all different types of religions, and that is great. I am all for that. it makes the world go round, if we all were the same, how boring would that be?

I do enjoy learning about other cultures and teaching, however, I go to them. Or hell I go up to the public library and read a book on it.

No other religion ,and I use that term loosely, goes door to door trying to push their cult on anyone else.

Maybe if you stop and think about it, if your having a hard time getting people to believe your shit, maybe you should take a second look at what it is you are trying to sell us.

Its all bullshit.

I don't want any of it.

And if I did, I would already be an avid member and own the freaking hymnal.

Course I am not sure if you are even allowed to sing.

I know you cant have birthdays or Christmas.

Who the bloody hell wants Christmas and birthdays taken away. Unless your giving out a free plasma screen tv, there is no way you can convince me its a good idea to join your cult.

I did some research and found out that only weird people are in this cult.

Michael Jackson

Prince..(yes, I called him weird...he is, but I love him, and we would just go to separate churches if we were married)

Baby Spice from the Spice Girls...I mean, if your calling yourself baby spice, you already are not playing with a full deck.

ok, the rest of the people I have no damn idea who they whats the damn point?

But from now on....don't come to my home. I will get a sign and post it in my yard, this sign will say

all trespassers will be shot on sight...if your from a cult, I will shoot you from the road, have a nice day...

I am gonna go to the nearest walmart and buy me a nice new shotgun. Cause you can buy firearms at any walmart or party store for that matter.

I am still ticked off they came into my house. Nowhere do I have a sign telling people..

if I do not answer the door, please feel free to open it, come in, use the john, get a soda and by all means leave your bullshit on the counter and I will look over it when I take my next shit.

I swear to God, I am going to punch the lights out of the next damn holy roller that happens to make my acquaintance at my front door.

Normally I am nothing but rude and I tell them to leave...You would think they would not come here anymore..

Unless they are desperately trying to save my soul.

But according to their religion, we are all going to die in a firery pit where the devil tromps on our souls whats the damn point?

If you have ever read any of their crap, they don't make it sound very least lie for goodness sake. Thats how any good cult works. You lie, get them in your grips, then you lock them up, and make them watch episode after episode of Good Times staring fellow JW Janet, Miss Jackson if your nasty.

Thats how u do it people.

For crying out loud...

So please, don't come to my dwelling, cuz I will shoot you next time.

Or stab you...I am not sure...

consider yourself warned.

Monday, June 18, 2007


I am tired. I am hot. I am fat.

Hit Dairy Queen two nights in a row, not good, not good at all.

Look, I am a shitty mom, I did not put enough sunblock on Blondie and LOOK..

She is burned on her knee caps, her arm pits and her cheeks....

Because I suck.

Look, here is Boo, I must love her more cuz she is just a nice golden brown instead of lobster claw red..

That is her new "simming soup"

Here is my son....I let him out of the dungeon but once per day....thats why he is blinding your eyes with his pale white skin..

When I do let him out, he goes right to Ruinscape, it is a game that he would rather play then pose for a pic with his big fat ugly momma...look see..

Look, here is Shaky holding down the love seat, well after all it was Fathers Day.

Here is my and Mr Big Head..

This, well, this is just me..

Here is my tattoo with a weeks worth of healing....

So I have decided to start Weight Watchers again...BUT first I need to lose a few pounds. Its pretty sad when you want to lose a few pounds before you start a new diet.

Don't ask, I know it makes no sense....But if any of you are morbidly obese like me, you understand.

Its just logical, thats all...

Doesn't help that I ate ice cream from Dairy Queen the last two days...Doesn't help that I ate nearly an entire watermelon on my own..

It doesn't help that I think my son is married.

it doesn't help that kids are being abducted in my city or that the man who signs my paychecks was born with no penis or genitalia of any recognizable sort. Or that he likes stuffing objects up his pooper...but whatever, to each his own..sonofabitch.

Well my son is off to get sun block wiped on his pasty body from his mother in law..I must say, She is doing something I suck at, did you see Blondies back?


Here she is smiling anyway, bless her heart..

I am having issues. I will be gone for a few days/weeks.......
Mr Shaky keeps looking at my boobs..
Flip Flop thru life, just don't flop thru the important stuff.

Saturday, June 16, 2007


I think I may have found the source of my feminine issues. I think its my new bubble bath. I may have been prematurely blaming my very own groin sweat on something that is not its fault at all.

Sorry groin sweat. I don't take pleasure in the fact I may have wrongly blamed u for my nether region being on fire and feeling like I have hives in the hoohaw.

Moving on...

Look, this is my Boo the other night in her bed..

She is sick today. Some sort of ailment inflicting her immune system causing loud barks and goopy crap clogging her air ways.

Or in other words...a chest cold with a bad cough.

Here she is early today..

Remember she refuses to wear pants..even on her death bed.

And then my poor Blondie wrote this on my dry erase board..




Apparently I have become so lax on my mothering techniques, that she feels she needs to leave me little reminders..

In case you can not decipher her 7 year old spelling.. no it does not say VICODEN...although I says vitamins everyday.

I really need to give that girl a nice big shiny lolly.

We have a bat caught in our drain pipe. You should here him/her in the throws of darkness, calling out his painful distress call too all his comrades.

Its not pleasant, but I will be damned if I am going to help it out..No thank you, then I know for sure I will have the shit visiting me in my house before long.

Those little pissers love to come into my home in the dead of summer. Not sure why they find it so appealing in here, but this year its going to be a death trap for them.

Normally Shakester makes what I call a humane bat rescue..This year I am taking the humane AND rescue out of it..

I will beat them with bloody brooms if that is what it takes...I want a bat free year.

Maybe if I leave one dead one on my front porch, the rest will heed it as a warning call.


I called my tattoo guy, cuz yes, I have a tattoo guy.

I wanted to get a ball park figure on my tat for my toe. He told him I want a flower on my toe.

He told me there are three places they wont tat..


he said some places will tat your toe, but its pretty stupid and a waste of your money..

He said they fade there very quickly because of the shedding process of your skin and what not.

Then he said he does not understand how people can tattoo their faces, and he said those people must not hold down jobs..

He had a good point there, and he made me giggle.

Maybe if I get a tattoo on my forehead with my bosses name on it and saying he is impotent, if that would get me fired.

I am willing to give it the ole college try.

OK, this floppy bitch is outta here..

Thursday, June 14, 2007

shit stick take two

well things are going the same. I walk into the crazy house thinking about what these asshats are doing to the poor people who live here. I hate pulling into that driveway.

I tell Mr Shaky I would rather push an elephant out my hoo-haw then go back..But for now, its the right thing to do. Until they fire me anyway.


So I am trying to find a home remedy to rid my crotch itch...or in lamemens terms..yeast infection.

These are some of the remedies I have came across

*take honey and rub it into the infected area, as it will kill the bacteria

* soak a tampon in plain yogurt and insert into your va-ja-ja for one to two hours or over night, the live cultures in the yogurt will kill the bad yeast.

* take tea bags, wet them, then freeze them and put them on the infected area until they melt.

* take a warm bath with adding a half cup of white vinegar and soak for 20 minutes.

* put cucumber slices over your eyes..

oh wait, that is for the bags under my eyes..scratch that one

well now I am hungry.

I am going to give the honey idea a whirl first, I am already hot, I might as well add sticky and sweet.

My friend Amy and I are going to get tattoos on our toes. A flower head, like a daisy. We are going in the next week or so...But don't u dare tell Mr Shaky. He has no idea and I am not going to tell him...

He does not appriciate things of that sort. And he never looks at my feet, so it will be there for years and he will never notice.


Man my crotch is on fire....its itching...I cant take it anymore. Curse the crotch sweat.

My doc told me some sort of work out gear to buy that prevents it from happening.

Pretty sad when you have to order work out clothes from the special store cuz your womanhood gets too sweaty.

Its a damn shame.

I would give anything to have a penis right now.

Floppers always welcome.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

shit...on a stick

Ok, I am in a mood right now and I am only writing this to get it off my chest and to show you what I deal with.

Remember my meeting? Well it went just as I feared.

Here is the back story...bare with me and I am sorry if this runs long, by NO means do I expect any of you to read the whole thing, nor expect u to care...I am doing this just for my own mental health.

Ok...back years ago I did a silly thing and went to college. One of my majors dealt with the Mentally Ill..yes fitting I know...My actual degree would be in Medical Microbiology..shocking yes, I am smart...go figure..

Yes that really has nothing to do with Mentally Ill, I know this..BUT I had a few courses in which prepared me for such things...I had lots of recommendations and was actually approached about the job, I did not actually apply myself..

Anyway, I took the job because I love this shit. Crazy people hold a dear place in my heart, as most of my family qualifies as such. I took this job at a time in my life where I had another part time gig in which things were starting to happen for me...Things that could take me to places way beyond The Crazy House as well as Minnesota.

As it turns out, I WAS born with a conscience and could not deal with the shit they wanted from me. ...and its not even relevant nor important anymore.

So as I was starting to drift away from this other gig and dealing with the jail, I was starting to take a more active roll in the Crazy House. I was actually enjoying it so much that I would prefer working there over the county slammer.

I felt like I was making a difference, and I truly love the crazy people in my house.

Well in November they pulled us all aside and told us were they stripping all our benefits, which included..

*sick pay
*holiday pay..even if u did not work that day, u got paid anyway
*two weeks paid vacation a year
*a very nice wage with yearly raises and possible advancement
*health insurance...(for those who wanted/needed it, which I id not as Mr Shaky deals with that)

So when they did this, they told us that by Feb we would all have a substantial raise in our wage to compensate for our losses..

Well Feb came and went, and we would go to our house manager and ask WTF is up with out raises..She is the greatest manager, she told us that she really did not know and all they were telling her was they were working on it.

Well after months and months of waiting, we as employees ,wrote the owner of the company a letter asking where our raise was.

it was ignored.

So just before Memorial Day, we wrote up another one stating facts and told them we felt we have been lied to and we want some answers now.

Well, turns out we are being punished for this..

In fact, our house mangers bosses told us that everyone who signed this letter should be fired on the spot..

As a matter of fact, they demoted our manger over this..she is no longer my boss/manager anymore. The woman still has to show up, as she is screwed. She is a single mom to three kids and supporting them and herself. Not like she can just up and leave, and if the fire her, that means they have to pay out unemployment. So they are just going to make her life hell until she backs down and leaves on her own

So she shows up, BIG pay cut and with no title anymore.

Because we spoke our minds...

Now me, being the big mouth I am, went to bat for her today. Told the Big Supervisors this was not only wrong, but illegal as according to the Grievance policy in our own damn handbook, you can not demote or fire anyone for speaking their minds. We followed the companies grievance policy to the letter..

So we are all on pins and needles..Most of the people working here have no choice but to work until they find other employment. What they basically said to us today was, i want to fire each and everyone of u, but if we did that, there would be no one to work..

We are treated like insignificant peons, and actually the head boss lady told us that is all we were in her eyes...

You do not know how badly I wanted to get up and walk out...I spoke my mind, told them this was bull shit..along with a few other staff, most were fucking cowards and said nothing..

I could quit. I truly do not need the money. I work there because number one, I have grown so attached to the four crazy people in our house, that it would break my heart to leave them.

Secondly, I do enjoy the money..It is what I use to get tattoos, piercing, plane trips, vacations, liquor and man whores.

We pay no bills with my income, it is just an extra nice cushion, and fun money.

I am so torn as to what to do. I want to tell them to go fuck themselves.. And I know they were hoping I would....They know I can afford not to work..and if they got rid of me, they would have only one or two employees who have spines to stand up to them.

I am waiting..

waiting for them to can us all.

...I will glady sit home and collect money from these asshats while I go to the park with my kids, get drunk, or hell make prank phone calls to people.

I feel so sick inside that they did this to our manager. She actually is a good friend along with 3 other girls..we are like a big family, we have each others backs on everything..

There was lots of crying today, lots of swearing, and lots of voodoo dolls being made as we speak.

In my life I never thought I would ever have a job be threatened simply because we are asking where our raise is after we were promised this after they screwed us up our assholes with no lube and no warning...U cant take benefits away and then promise shit and do not deliver and expect us to just lay down and take your raping..It is not going to happen.

So I am not sure what I will do now. I feel so betrayed and I feel as though I can not trust the people who are suppose to have our backs.

Over the past 5 months or so, I have taken a full time position there...its 72 hours a pay period..I quit the jail as I wanted to be able to not worry about conflicting schedules and such..Plus, the jail was nice, BUT it was a very hostile envoirment. Not employees, but when your dealing with criminals, it is a very shaky ground to tread. I loved it...don't get me wrong, but the Crazy House took priority over it after a while.

I don't regret my decision on quitting the jail, but I do regret giving my all to a job where they shit all over us.

In my life I never thought that I would get treated like this at THIS type of job. Now I did get treated this way in a job before...And now to this day, I can be sued if I say anything about it/them..which in turn there is already something brewing in the court sytem. La de da..bastards.

Now this crazy house job is threatening to take us all to court over this whole thing, if we put up any more stink..

Little do they know..we have already called an attorney, because what they are doing/did is not only illegal, but also going against their own grievance policy and procedure.

We have a good case, or so we have been told. We are not backing down. I will see this thing thru till the end. And I am assuming the end will be them calling me and firing me.

So be it.

So, what would you do?

If you have even made it this far down in the post...I will personally send u a hallmark card.

I am not flopping, but I sure am flipping out..sonofabitch.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Trading Spouses

I will keep this short and sweet.

I have a list.

* Some days I feel like trading Shaky in for a revamped model only I don't remember what the waiting period is before you can break wind in front of a new person..and I am not willing to risk it.

* I am getting rid of my cats...They seem to have more bathrooms in my house then I do. And I have three bathroom, one on each level..Yet they have two on each level.

*I have a staff meeting at work on Tuesday. This may or may not be the end of my working relationship with this company

I have quit other jobs that paid me TONS more money, had AWESOME perks and a potential to be something pretty f-ing cool...BUT...I could not live with myself any longer knowing some of the shit I did...

and this place...Not as much a long shot..But I love my job..

so this makes me sick. This meeting could get ugly.Not looking forward to this.

* My kids are bored with summer already. I am thinking about sending them to camp for the summer.

In North Korea

* Its hot...and every night the weather guy tells me to watch my back as a f-ing twister could drop out of the sky and any given moment.

* I think I am smarter then just about every person I come in contact with.

* I want a piano

* Boo told me the other day that she is a woman.

* Blondie is worried she is going to have boobs as big as mine.

* And last but not least......

I have another raging yeast infection.

My crotch is on fire. I know when it happened too. One night last week after my four mile run, I was too tired and lazy to shower right away.

You know how I tell you about my crotch sweat? Well my doc says that is causing my flare ups.

Shes like..Um...dont be so God*dang lazy and shower after u work out..

Do you like your crotch being on fire? Do u Do u?

and start eating some yogurt for Christ sake..damnit woman, your fat and stupid.

Well not in those EXACT words, I am just paraphrasing of course.

Its the damn crotch sweat. I need to build a fan of some sort I can put in the underwear.

I gotta go. And I am sorry I have not been able to visit you guys as much as I would like. Let me tell you, if this meeting goes the way I think it might..I will be free and clear people. Free and clear, cause I wont put up with shit, and I am ready and willing to walk out the door and not look back.

I wont run out the door as I don't want a crotch sweat flare up.

Time for bed...Time for a beer..whatever.

Flippy loves you guys..don't forget it.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Mr Telephone Man

Friday at around 10 pm my phone rings, and the voice on the other end asks for my daughter. My 7 year old baby girl.

I am wondering who the bloody hell is calling my baby girl at 10pm. I thought it was her friend timid girl as we had just came from a bon-fire at our new church and she was there, thought maybe Blondie had left something behind and she was calling to tell her.

But I was wrong. It was a boy. It is so very hard to distinguish a little boy and little girls voices at the young tender age. Which totally sucks.

The whole entire time she is talking to this boy, she is all giddy and smiling. Made me sicker then a dog...I mean I think I actually vomited in my throat, although it did not make it up thru my entire esophagus, it was pretty damn close.

Anyhoo, they gabbed till about 10:30. I asked Mr Shaky what parent would let their kid call another house at 10pm...

Then he said "what parent lets their kid talk to someone at 10 at night?"

Touche u ole bloody bastard...touche.


At work Sunday I was watching some TV, because I get paid lots of money to watch TBS movies whilst working at the crazy house.

I was watching Cheaper by the Dozen.

I had never seen it before. It made me think that maybe having 12 kids isn't so bad.

I like chaos. All I need are 9 more spawns to make a dozen...

But then I thought, my boobs look like this with three kids..

If I were to procreate 9 more times, this will be me ...


Not saying this is a bad thing..per say...but I just don't have the back strength to uphold a load like that.

So I will stick to what I have...

chaos is over rated anyway.

My back is still hurting from my new $300 ink job.....I am wishing it was not so big..But really, I can not do a damn thing about it now...

Blondie says its a cool flag....she thinks we are British.

I can not disagree, as I do love a spot of tea in the afternoon and fish and chips in the evening.

Ok, I do not like fish, or chips...

or tea for that matter.

Keep Flipping