I had a post up, about how my MIL was coming for a visit and how she is crazy and about how my grandpa cant be in Boo's band because as she says..well he is dead..
Cant very well be in your 4 year old great granddaughters imaginary band when your six feet under, now can u?
I am not bitter about the fact my grandpa cant play in her fake band, just disappointed I cant call him and tell him she wanted him to be in it.
Moving on though, I am about to write about some crap that is starting to, well,make my boobs bigger.
Its only making them bigger because it is causing me to have the urge to eat a cinomlet every 4.7 seconds, and holy shit...that would make any ones boobs a tad, well, swollen.
Here is a list, in no order mind you, of why I hate people, and why some may feel I am not a good Christian lady folk.
* I want to find the ass wipes who rented my house in the homeland and shove sandpaper up their anuses and then force feed them Metamucil by the gallons.
I got a bill in the mail from the city of that state telling me my city bill is past due and that I owe damn near close to 1,000 smakera'ros.
Killthem...they all must die, but they will die with blood running out of their asses, so this pleases me.
*When my Boo was picked up from her tot school, I had a letter informing me that I owe them a total of $85.00 for the fall fundraiser. I guess me paying 100 bucks a month for Boo to learn her numbers and to learn to hold a pencil is not good enough...I need to pay them for fundraisers.
I think fundraisers are crocks of shit, unless its for a baby who is blind or a some morbid shit that only God controls...
So I am thinking of telling them I will participate in said fundraiser, then buy one thing and call it good. After all, I am in the mood for a shitty fundraiser candy bar, it will only help the swolleness of my boobies, and some guys like that.
*The state of Michigan is threatening to shut the govt down during the days Mr Shaky will be there to do business at a state govt office..
I guess Governor Jennifer Granholm is unaware that the money I paid for the flight to that shitty state is non fucking refundable and Mr SHaky better damn well be able to walk into the Seceratary of States office the day he needs to...Or you too will have the sandpaper shoved up your bung hole...along with razor blades and a Payday Candy bar.
*I went to do Karaoke Wednesday night, sober mind you, and there was this woman who came in, I swear may God strike me down if this woman didn't look like Janis Joplin, only, she had NO teeth, none, zip, zero nada...she is ALL gums. I jokingly said to my pal that it would be funny if she sang Bobby Magee..
motherhellno...she did...and she was awesome.
don't judge a book by its Janis Joplin looking shell, because holy shit, it was her, in the flesh....Plus she told me that I sang Desperado so well, she thought I MUST be in a band....
thank you, thank you toothless lady, your kind words touch me, but go get some dentures. thank you.
*My MIL is coming for a visit, because holy shit, she knows how much this ho loves company.
at 5:30am Monday morning when my daycare tot comes, we are making a B-line for their sleeping quarters, because holyshit, its my house and my business and that's where we play...
so get a fucking hotel..
and, I still don't have salt, I don't use it....but you go ahead and buy me some salt anyway, because I know it does wonders for both your blood pressures.
But take the shit home with you when u go, or I will use it to melt the ice on my porch next month.
*Why the hell aren't my leaves changing colors? I do like fall, I love raking leaves and I love the colors...but all the leaves in this state are just dropping with no color changing.
hello, Mother Nature, should I contact Al Gore about this, is this a Global Warming issue, or did you just forget to make it rain all summer and now my trees have chlorophyll issues and not changing colors?..let me know, because I feel like fighting and Al Gore will do, because I know Global Warming is HIS fault...because he is has a beard and drives a hummer.
* Dr Oz and Oprah, now is my poop suppose to float or sink? I forgot. I just want to make sure I am getting enough fiber. This has been bugging me and I am too embarrassed to Google it.
don't have a Dr on tv telling me I need to break wind 15 times a day and my poo is suppose to either float or sink, otherwise I am gonna die of hemorroid cancer.
I have had it for today....My ticker can not take any more trauma or I will be in the same boat as my grandpa, and I wont be in Boos imaginary band either. I am suppose to be the drummer golldarnit.
And the Janis Joplin lady already thinks I am in a band..I mean, it only makes sense..
Next week I can assure her I am indeed IN a band.
Thank you, thank you very much.
Have a good weekend....I will be laying face down in a Kareoke bar before Monday hits..that outta impress the ole MIL..
Friday, September 28, 2007
I had a post up, about how my MIL was coming for a visit and how she is crazy and about how my grandpa cant be in Boo's band because as she says..well he is dead..
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
We had fun, right?
Now I have to go brush my teeth with my St.Ives Scrub that taste like horse manure with rotten cinnamon stick in it..
Posted by eyes_only4him at 8:29:00 PM
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Monday, September 24, 2007
Friday, September 21, 2007
Ya so, we had a tornado whip thru here this afternoon...
I wont bore you with the details, because there was rain, hail, wind, and flooding in my yard...yadda yadda yadda...
who gives a shit right?
I am going to make this brief as the weekend is approaching and I am getting all psyched up for my Karaoke this weekend. The friend whom was having her bachlorette party last weekend, is getting married this weekend. And her after party is at our local joint where I have been known to perform and knock out some 80's rock...
I was getting Boo ready for school today, curling up her pigtails and her bangs..
no no...trust me, she wasn't slutty...
I asked her how she got to be so cute...Her answer is always the same
God made me dis way momma
So I asked her why God didn't make me pretty like her..
this is her reply
Momma, God made you funny, not pwetty.
So, it was brought to my attention that I am NOT bringing sexy back..
in case your a moron, I am the one in the middle
Thursday, September 20, 2007
...this fat bitch here with the mic...will fuck u up brotha.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
SO, I am still traumatized from seeing that God awful film some ass-nut thought would make a good flick...A real nail biting thriller..
I still wanna kill that sonofabitch.
I find myself looking under the rim of my shitter. Because if any of you have had the misfortune of seeing this movie, you know a snake hides under the rim and bites a mans wanker off.
Granted I don't have a wanker, but I do not need one ripping my tampon out for me.
I have a question..
What do you do with the shell of your eggs after you crack them?
Simple enough question, right?
Mr Shaky and I have nearly come to blows with this topic.
You see, when I crack open The Incredible Edible Egg, I put the shell in the trash, where that kinda shit goes.
He , on the other hand, leaves the cracked open EMPTY shell sitting inside the carton, for unsuspecting morons to try and crack open.
This has happen one to many times..I look inside the carton to see how many chicken embryo's I have left.
Seems to be I have three left...Awesome, its three eggs whites for breakfast in the AM, hot diggidy damn.
Morning comes, I stumble into the kitchen, get the eggs out...and all that is there is three fucking empty shells.
I don't get it....
So I give him a good scolding.
And 12.5 years later, he is still doing it.
And it always happens when he is not home for me to kick his nuts in.
Once I went to the eggs, there was at least 6 eggs in there...
I take that back, there were 6 empty shell carcasses where my eggs should be.
So I ask....Why the hell does someone of sound mind and body leave the damn shells in the egg carton?
Please send all correspondents too..
54321 ileavetheshellsinthecarton BLV.
Gonna get my ass kicked, MN
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Normally I do not fancy myself a movie buff,nor a movie goer if you will. I will go to see a picture show if the kids pressure me or if Steve Carrell is in a movie and that darling dear man of mine drags me to be entertained.
He loves that guy...
anyway...Sunday night I was browsing looking for something to watch that wont make me have a mini vomit in my throat..(IE the Emmys) because those mini throw ups in your throat burn like heck.
I went to my ole staple, HBO Comedy.
Out of ALL my HBO channels, I fancy this one the best, because it has funny shit, and I like that.
When I saw the title of the movie playing, I thought to myself..no way.
I then thought it must be some sort of a spoof on it, and its not really THE movie..the one I avoided at all costs when it came out.
because surely this movie would not classify as a comedy, unless someone has a pretty shotty since of humor.
because I knew that shit would get me.
Now before this incident, the scariest flick I have seen was Arachnophobia.
I love scary movies. I mean, I will watch those.
Normally scary movies don't scare me because, holy shit, no way Freddy Kruger is going to be waiting in my dreams to kill me, and if he were, I am a pretty tough chick and could kick his ass anyway.
So, I am never scared...never..unless its a movie that could happen..
take for example Arachnophobia..
You see...this could happen to me.
A rare breed of spider could start procreating in my barn, and single handedly kill every person in town...
that shit could happen folks
no really stop laughing, it could.
SO back to my point.....
I saw a movie that scared the shit out of me.
Snakes on a Plane.
I turned it on after it had started,so I don't know why or how the snakes were ON the plane and frankly I don't give a shit.
Every second I kept telling myself..
ok, I am definitely turning the channel now..then an hour goes by.....
I kept watching..
I kept getting creeped.
I saw a huge python constrict a big fat man.
The snake kept wrapping itself tighter and tighter around the guys torso..
He was bleeding from his mouth and nose and his face was turning beet red and I believe his eyes were about to pop out..
then I turned it.
I quickly turned the channel, trying to find anything that would make it stop.
I kept picturing the snakes, on the plane.
I was quickly trying to find something, anything.
The next thing I saw was Dr G Medical Examiner.
shit..cant watch that, she is doing autopsy's on dead people..cant do it, not tonight.
Then I see on MSNBC.
BIG MAC: The Story Behind McDonald's
ok..I can safely watch this...I think..
after 2 minutes I have to turn it, because holy shit....they are tyring to kill me too.
honestly at this point I would of settled for porn..
SO then I quickly turn it to a true staple.
Cant go wrong here, no sir ee.
bark at the moon by Ozzy.
nope..cant deal with now..I am in crisis here..I need something happy God damnit..
where the sam bloody hell are the Teletubbies when I need them..little asslickers.
So I end up turning it on The Weather Channel.
A tried and true friend.
Yea so I had a dream that night that a tornado ripped thru my town and then we had a snow storm ,yes in the same day, and that the snow was so heavy that all the buildings roofs were falling in and killing people.
Then I try and get the kids in my van to ride somewhere, hell if I know where..
And we get to a building and the second we get in it, the twister comes and blows the windows out..
Then the roof collapses with about 100 tons of snow, and I cant find the kids because they are buried under 20 feet of snow.
Thank God I did not have a nightmare about snakes.
Thank God I have The Weather Channel to give me good wholesome dreams.
I need a drink.
i would like to find the son of a bitch who thought this would make an entertaining movie, asshole. I would like to kcik him sqaure in the balls. I bet he was not breast fed as a child..SICKO
The Weather Channel, saving your dreams from snakes, one twister at a time.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Well my Friday night Karaoke was a bust. We get there, and there is no karaoke, I was damn near homicidal.
Saturday I went out with a group of friends for a bachlorette party. We went along to nearly every establishments in the city that sells beer ,wine and spirits. By the time we got to the second place, I forgot what town I lived in and my fathers name.
But at our normal spot, they had Honky Tonk Heros. Yes yes, I do not do honky tonk, under normal circumstances..meaning when I am not under the influence of any mind altering shit.
SO it was a DJ and also karaoke. So I was reduced to doing one country tune. Now my friend and I did a duet..We sang 9-5 by Dolly Parton...i know i know..
My solo country debut, I sang the only country song I know.
And I can not even muster up the nerve to type it.
nope..I tried again, and my finger wont allow me to type any of the letter in the song title.
Shit..I am sorry.
I am at my wits end with the Berber carpet shit. I rented a carpet cleaner over the weekend. The thing with this type of carpeting is that you will get the stain out, but within 20.5 seconds it re-surfaces....
I got my whole floor clean....and if my dog pisses on it. I.Will.Kill.Her.
But, I must admit, right after Mr Shaky rolled it out of here and back to the store, I spilled a whole can of Dt Cherry Coke all over said carpeting.
But I don't mind the smell of cherries.
Ok, see if this works..
I found it on youtube...Since I can not type it, nor say it...
good day..I am going to hide under a rock and pray no one I know saw me signing this..or else no one sober did.
Friday, September 14, 2007
Thursday, September 13, 2007
The fella whom walked, I mean rode off with Shaky's bike, was riding it again today. First time I saw him he was on it, riding like he owned it. Second time I saw him, he had another bike. A female bike. He must have a collection of these things. He has more bikes then I do, and I don't dig thru the trash at Central Park.
I tell Shaky he can borrow my wheels to take his morning jaunt, but he is not willing. You want to know why? Because one my wheels are purple and B its a girls bike.
If I were a guy, I would rather ride a female bike because one wrong move and that bar has your scrotum hiked up to your eyeballs.
Its not worth it.....My sac would mean more to me then that, I wouldn't chance it.
My buddies and I are looking for a place to get our drunker on and get my Karaoke groove on. The place we normally frequent is having it this weekend, buts its honky tonk night. And me and honky tonk go together about as well as Gonorrhea and my crotch would get along.
Which I am assuming would not mix well.
I wanna take this time to talk openly about something...
yup...they are sticking it to us yet again..
so first they fire four of us because, well, they really gave no reason. But as they were telling us to get our shit and leave, they also told us that we could go to file for unemployment, to which we did..cause holy shit, I cant buy tattoos, beer or karaoke jeans with no money...well I could, its called stealing...
Anyway, first it takes us forever to get it, then they are still fighting Dilleyweeds, then they appeal the rest of ours..
We had a date set with the judge for Sept 27th..
Well today I get a call from the state of 10,000 lakes telling me my former employer can not be available that day for our talk..so they are allowing them to re-schedule.
Just their way of sticking it to us yet again.
I tell u what...they are going to be soooooo sorry come Halloween.
oh and I was looking thru my sitemeter today, and I saw something distrubing.
someone Googled..girls who shove shit up there.
and it brought them right to my site.
I am horrified, yet amused all at once.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
If I have told my kids once, I have told them a million times. Put your bike in the garage at night, cause holy shit, criminals steal that shit and sell it on EBay.
Well, the kids listen to me better then Ole Shaky cause last night someone stole his wheels.
This is a bike he bought at a yard sale about 2 years ago..Its ugly as shit, but he loved it.
He wakes me up at the crack of dawn...ok, it was like 6:45am to tell me his trike was missing.
"did u have it in the garage?"
Funny thing about this whole fiasco, is this morning whilst driving my van to get new brakes, I saw the local homeless guy driving around on my mans wheels.
I nearly had urine leak out from my underwear and down my leg.
Why is that funny to me?
Because I am a fucking retard, that's why.
I went to the local shithole, i mean diner for breakfast. Its me, Boo and my mother. My mother and I both have diet cokes. After a while she comes and asks if we need more soda, to which I say "fill me little lady"
She takes both or glasses, and brings them back.
My issue with this is...how the sam bloody hell do I know if that's my cup or my moms cup?
I normally chew on my straw in case such occasions arise, but I had not done it yet that morning. I had no idea whose was whose.
My twisted up mind has some sort of deep seeded unrational , completely ignorant issue with drinking someone else's shit. I cant do it.
So I sit and eat, I am thirsty....I am starting to see mirages of tall glasses of diet coke, with chewed straws...Thank God, because I am dying of thirst here.
I know how people trapped in the dessert feel. Those mirages of water and soda's are just plain brutal.
Oh, and guess what today is.....
My dogs birthday..
On this day Sept 11, 2004..my shit face of a pup was born.
She is virtually useless.
Now that she is a senior citizen, I think its time to admit her to a nursing home.
She still likes to piddle on my Berber carpet, to which it is nearly impossible to get stains out that...because holy shit, that carpet was made by some sort of hate crime group who is only out to see people buy this shit, then spill water on it..and be totally hosed.
Just to be nice, I will let her shit and piddle on my floor, and today, I wont kick her.
Monday, September 10, 2007
I am going to talk about a few things today. I may run off topic, or hell, even flat out make no sense along this post...and so I apologize in advance for any turmoil I may or may not cause.
First of all, I have made mention before about here in this state they say weird shit or even pronounce shit wrong...for example.
*they say Awunt..for aunt..Where I am from u say it like the bug...they don't..I hate it.
* Phy-Ed..pronounced FYE ed...where I come from we call it PHYS ED..because holy shit, it stands for Physical education, and that shit makes sense..what the hell is FYE ed? I have no damn clue.
* and then that brings me to Karaoke. They pronounce Ka ROW-Kee. Where as we say KARE E O KEE..see what I mean again?
they are stupid here.
That also brings me to what I did this weekend. This hoe sang karaoke all Saturday night. The damn sad part is, after a while every time it was my turn and they guy called my name the whole bar started cheering.
Also, the owners wife came up to me in the ladies room to tell me they would be back in two weeks, and they want me to be here.
To which I replied..
For sure bitches.
It does not matter that I could barely walk up to the stage, I still rocked it.
Here is a sample of some of the songs I sang, um butchered
*Benny and the Jets by Elton John
*I hate myself for loving you By Joan Jett
*I cant Dance by Phil Collins
*Someone saved my life tonight by Elton John
* When Doves Cry by Prince
*Bust a move by Young MC
*Funky Cold Mednia by tone Loc
*Everything She wants by WHAM!
*Hotel California by The Eagles.
See..thats just a sampling..and I seemed to have had the Karaoke Gods shining down on me that night..I had a whole table of strangers wanting to dance with me, and come on the dance floor every time I belted out a tune.
I may start my own fan club...
Here are some pics from the night..
I know, after my last boobie fiasco on the world wide web I promised never to show them.
This is a clean shot..no boobs.
This here, is called..rocking the f*cking house down..
I keep telling you people I need to start my own chick band...See how damn good I look on the stage? I can not believe the boys in Def Leppard let me walk away assholes.
So I came stumbling home at 2:30am, with bag of Funyouns in tow and a half dranked bottle of diet coke.
Not sure what happen after that.
Then Mr Shaky woke me up early for church.
Ok, now I am on to another issue. My Gol-damn unemployment.
Saturday afternoon..after opening this letter, my neighbor and I, (shown above, she also got shit canned, ) decided we needed to go out for a good drunker.
We both got these letters telling us our employer is NOW fighting our unemployment and on Sept 27th the judge will be calling us for a tele conference to defend our case.
They told us on the day they fired our asses that we could go file for unemployment.
Mind you I was only cleared for payment two weeks ago..
Why do they bother sending you any damn money unless it is agreed upon both sides?
Because, those asshats expect us to pay back ALL the money they have given us, if the judge finds our former employers to be right.
PLUS, up until our call, we have to keep calling in to get our money..WE HAVE TO.
Plus we wont know till 20 days AFTER the phone call what the decision is.
Moments like these I sorta wish that kidnapping and gang beatings were legal.
because I would lay those mother truckers out flat.
You do not even wanna know what happen Friday.
It has to do with me, one of my friends up above, and my hubby.
and a bar..
That is all I will say.
Thursday, September 06, 2007
I had to take Boo to the office of Doctors. She needed a physical for pre-school and because I really suck ass at this mom business, she needed four shots...because she was not up to date....she was very pissed off.
Whilst at the office, I was just sort of looking about the room. I notice on the table, the table I had to lay damn near jack ass naked on last time I was there....It said two things that struck me as ONE terrifying...and B...icky.
On one side of the bottom of the table it said..
now does that mean vagina's that are special...or does it mean there are specs of vagina's in there...OR Vag Spec a new type of diabetic needle they store at the bottom of the table..
On the opposite side it said this..
my first thought was..
holy shit, I could come to the docs, without suspecting a thing and then BAM they want to do an anal scope.
I then thought of ways I could open the drawer and damage all the analscopes so no one had to receive one.
Then I thought of a few people I wouldn't mind knowing were getting anal scopes.
I will never go to the doctor complaining of ass pain, I know that for certain.
For any of you whom have had the misfortune of meeting my kids...you will have picked up on the fact that Boo cant talk right.
The doc told me she needs speech therapy PRONTO..
She said she stammers and she studders.
what the hell is stammer?
Told u guys she would be riding the short bus.
I want to talk to you a minute about Berber carpeting.
My house has it in the basement, and in my main floor living room.
It was here when we bought the house, so I did not purchase it on my own free will.
Now it may look nice, but when they tell you its stain resistant, it is not.
I swear it collects anything that lands on your floor.
If you squish a spider, the guts of the inside of said spider will remain on your Berber carpeting until the day you die.
I swear, spilling water onto you carpeting stains it.
To the asslickers who make Berber carpeting...
I am going to be pulling out my carpeting and laying down something new.
I was thinking of football turf or sod.
I do love to mow...it would give me something to do in the winter...
If I were to get turf, well....that would be even better..no mowing needed..
when ever the white chalk lines wore off, I would simply re chalk it..that would give me something to do..
I like chalk..I like the color green, and I like bringing the outdoors in.
That's why Blondie has a pet frog..living in my house..