Saturday, September 30, 2006

Pumpkins are orange

I succeeded in finding pumpkins that would crush my skull. Now I only have to work up the balls to actually catapult one on me. By weeks end I hope to have accomplished this feat. Sadly, I will not have the images to prove it, as I don't wanna harm my camrea.sorry dudes.

Here are some pics from our trip.....I know you have been waiting for this..

I don't know if you can see that pumpkin in the back there, but that's the one I am thinking of using for my suicide.

Here are my girls.....They see porta pottys and it excites them..

Here is Mr Shaky and his mentally impaired momma...This is where all the retardation stems.....These two folks right here...

Here is one of me and shaky....See my boobs are big..Way too damn big..Also it would help if I would wear clothes that fit me, and not about 2 sizes to big....But alas, I was cozy.

Here are all the retards that live under my roof. Its hard to believe all these social outcast under one roof, but we all seem to fit just fine....

Oh here is Boo, I think she was lost, or hoping she was lost..

Well I need to go for my 6 mile walk around the lake. As you can see from the photos, I am in need of losing about 50 pounds..I told you, ya'll thought Bossy was lying. I am a truth teller, so up yours people.

I am taking the long way to the lake, and the even longer way back home. I may swim. swim across to the other side. Maybe drown in the process. Maybe get bit by a pirahna, attacked by sharks or swallowed by whales. And if any of that happens, I will not complain one bit. I am not a complainer. Nope, not me.

Speaking of not complaining, my Boo Bee was sitting on my lap last night. We were cuddling. She says to me.

" Let me down before I poke your eye out!"

what the hell is that about?

Bee Real

Friday, September 29, 2006


Two nights ago Mr Shaky wanted me to give him a hair cut. Now this man has always prided himself on having his hair. Both his brothers have lost their hair already. Not only did I get the good looking brother, but also the one who still had hair at age 35.

As I was leaning over the top of his head, I noticed something. Something awful. I told him he had a huge bald spot on the top of his head. He did not believe me. So I should him the proof. Somehow it seemed to be all my fault. Somehow his life was just mediocre.

Poor fella, I told him as long as he can keep all his teeth I will remain to be married to him. After that I will sign a yearly contract.

The other night my son came up to our room. Asked us if he could entertain us. My son comes up here with 2 pair of his undergarments. clean I hope. And he begins to juggle them. My son. My 9 and a half year old son was juggling his underpants in my room.

My MIL is here. Oh the crap I want to say. The stuff that is flowing in my mind. I will just leave you with one story. She tells me she is going to make meatloaf. Which first off is MY best dish. Second of all, she bought red meat. We don't eat red meat. She said she was putting it in the oven at 4 that way it would be done when Mr shaky got home at 6pm...Now I don't know what planet she is on but on the one I live on it takes bout 40 minutes. I told her it would burn.She told me according to her recipe this is how long it would take. Again I said it will burn.

Which I did not much care cause I was not eating..I was not eating dinner because I had a muffin at lunch time. That means I don't eat dinner, and still walk 6 miles up hill in the snow.

Then she informed me she was making samon patties. I say huh? You just made meat loaf. Well her baby boy might want a damn choice for dinner...Good Gawd, heaven forbid her baby only get offered ONE course meal..Heavens to Betsy.

So I left in a huff for a 6 mile walk in the 45 degree air. Came back, and my house smelled of fish and burned meatlaof.I did a mini vomit in my mouth I do believe.

Some people have drinking troubles, or drug troubles..Or maybe even addictions the computers...Then there is my MIL who will pull up to a casino in the Wisconsin Dells at 3m , just to see how it pays out. So they roll in here about 5 hours later then were scheduled for. Slept till 3pm....

I am so ready for my house to come back to me. I had to do all the dishes of all the pots and pans she used. I prefer it that way. But damn...She used lots of pans.

she told me a many things I was gonna blog about. But I will save it for a time . If ever.

We are going to the pumpkin patch on Saturday. More family fun. I am hoping to lose one or all in the corn maze.

I am also looking for a pumpkin with such girth that it could crush a human skull. No NO don't worry, this is for my skull.

MIL hubby who is a crazy goon, but damn he is one mart man, I will give him that..He told my son there is one setnces that is the same front wards as it is backwards. Wanna know what it is? Course you do

Rats live on no eviL staR

it is the same front wards as backwards. Get it?

Now my son will fail his vocab quiz, but now he knows this piece of useless shit.

I must go now. I must go kick my self in the ass for agreeing this is ok.

look....Only 22 dasy till I can wear this...

well have a good weekend, I will be looking for pumpkins and anyway excuse to leave. I may indeed have to go on a 3 hour tour to find tampons, as I do have an extra guest staying in my uterus. For 3 days. Again, I have a 10 minutes TOPS deal...But I never can seem to get past that. They always stay longer...Bastards...

Have a safe weekend. Keep your clothes on. Have a sober driver and please, please for the love of man kind don't freebase on the courthouse lawn.

bee real

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Devil Inside

As I was spying out the window this morning on my daughter at the bus stop, had to make sure no one was attempting to kidnap a kid or my dog for goodness sake. I saw this. Now at what age do little girls think they are better then everyone else? At what point do they become vile humans...Well at 6 they do...Look..This is my daughter and 2 of her friends...Notice they are all clichey..My little bad ass is the one standing closest to the bike. I am not proud of this....

This is the other kids. Notice how they are seggartgated to the corner?

What the hell is that about?

Is it because they are chubby kids or that one is black? I don't know? My daughter plays with those other kids...sometimes....I just don't get it. I did not start being a bitch till at least 12...Ok maybe 10. But she is 6. And in first grade.

I don't know why this surprises me. This is the same girl who refused to talk to her teacher the day of the open house, ignored her little friend from kindergarten, and rolled her eyes at another mother for introducing her to her little lad that sits next to her.

I know the pictures are bad, but I was looking thru my kitchen window and this is thru a screen. I could not be obvious as I was spying people. Private dicks don't let it be known they are photographing you..Its common knowledge.

Well today is the day my mother in law makes her appearance. Its not that I don't like her per say...Its just that she can get on my nerves. As everyone can get on my nerves..I am weird that way.

And plus, I am not much for social gatherings. If your gonna come visit me, bring a coffee cake, some gossip and be ready to leave within 2 hours. That is my limit.

Unless you are a member of MY family, or a close friend. Then you can stay 4 hours.

I hate having to prepare meals for other people. I hate other people going thru my cupboards looking for glasses or plates. I hate them rummaging thru my fridge looking for food. I just all around hate having company..Unless your staying for a reasonable amount of time..Like a half hour.

I don't mind the family get togethers, I don't mind seeing Mr shakys family..Not that any of them make a habit of coming here, which is fine.....But anyone in general gets on my nerves after a while.

It starts to show that my annoyance level is rising as the second day approaches. I start slamming things, being mean...Not sure why they continue to stay.

again, I don't mind having company, as long as they stay only like 15 minutes tops. And bring there own damn food and drink.

Am I wrong? Should I be more accommodating? I think not. The nicer you are and the more welcoming you make your home, the longer they will stay. I have a system and it works for me.

Make them feel as uncomfortable as possible, that way they make cut the visit short by say even 10 minutes, and they will not want to come again for say another year. A full calendar year preferably.

Anyone wanna come for a visit?

I didn't think so.

this just in, out of the blue, in the middle of dinner..Boo Bee informed us all that her sisters butt was gross.

The agony which is my life consumes me.

Bee Real

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Smashed bananna's and retards

It is no secret my kids are retarded. I have said it outloud, in writing, and may have even said it in my sleep once or 10 ten times. But as I have been thinking, it has occurred to me that I once, was also a retard. I am guessing all kids are retarded, or maybe its just the ones in my family. I always thought my kids got the retarded gene from Mr Shaky's family. I am gonna go out on a limb and say he gave them 70 percent of their retardation and I gave them 10....The other 20 is a mix of environment and other retards in the neighborhood.

I will share with you some examples. These are things I did as a child. A retarded child mind you. All of these are true. Which is the sad part.

* I once ran over my sister with my dads truck. I was about 8 or so. We were playing in my dads truck and I pulled the emergency brake. The truck started backing out of our driveway, my sister panic ed and jumped out the window. Somehow she landed underneath the truck. The truck ended up in the middle of the street nearly in the old lady's driveway who lived across the street. My sister was pinned under, the tire nearly crushing her leg.

I ran in the house told my mom my sister had been in the truck and did something and now she is under the truck, which was indeed in the middle of the street.

Notice how I told her my sister had done something. I failed to leave out the important part. I pulled the brake.....

* My sister and I would ride our bikes down the neighbors house to pick needles off there soft needle pine shrub. We would pretend they were smokes. How retarded is that? We would pretend we were going the store to get a pack of smokes

* I once talked my sister into stealing a pack our moms smokes, so we could go smoke them in my closet. I was way to chicken so my sister lit one up. As soon as she did I ran downstairs and told our mom that she had stole her smokes and was smoking in my closet. She was 5.

which I find very odd ,we had such a fascination with the smokes...To this day I still can not stand the sight of someone smoking, I think to myself, now there is someone who never grew out of being retarded..At least I did.

ok anyone who smokes don't take offense..I have a weird detest for smoking...So there..

Not to worry, I remind my mother daily she will die of lung cancer. And I also tell her when I die of lung cancer from being exposed to second hand smoke, I hope she is happy..

* In third grade I stabbed a girl with a pencil I just sharpened, she cried, I blamed it on another girl, said the girl crying was lying...The other girl got in trouble.

* I use to sneak out my bedroom window in the summertime..And would make out with my boyfriend on a blanket in the backyard. Once he was at my window and we were just talking, I did a flip on bed and my feet went thru my window causing massive bleeding. I told my mother I was kicking a fly away and my feet went thru the window..After 3 hours in the ER some stitches in my toes and not being able to walk for 4 days....All ended well...No trouble was had.

See there are just a few examples of me being openly retarded.

My son came home from school and says to me..." I may look glum on the outside, but I am filled with glee on the inside"

What the hell does that mean?

My Blondie Bee informed me that she will not be eating for 2 weeks because she has to take a bath tonight. I told her that works for me.

Today I was talking to my mother, Itold her that something or other pissed me off.

A few minutes later Boo says to me "momma you not pissed off, you so happy."

Again, I do have brief lapses of retarded-ness

I am only human.

But I would still stick to my guns on that Mr Shaky had delivered a vast majority of the retardeness.

His mother will be here tomorrow..(Thursday) She will prove over and over to me again how my theory is 100% proven.

She will ask me why I don't unplug my toaster if I am not using it.

She will insist on me locking my doors, even though I am sitting right here.

she will come up in the middle of the night just to make sure the doors ARE locked.

She will pick up toys off my floor, or dirty clothes the kids leave behind. And tell me " she just likes doing stuff like that"

She will ask me about 20 times a day if its ok for my dog to be in the basement. I will her all of these times that yes , it is indeed ok, as that is where her food is.

She will also ask if its ok the dog goes outside..Again, that's where she poos..Please let her out.

so we all start out as retards. But I still think a jail cell in the home is a necessary addition.

So to all the former retards out there...Happy Hump Day.

Bee Real

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Parents just don't understand

I am at a boiling point. And I like to be hot, just not that hot. I like to burn a sweat, I like to stink afterwards, I like it so hot you cant breath. But I don't like the boiling point. Me and boiling points do not mix.

I honestly feel as though I am gonna blow. And the contents that spew on the walls will not be easy to clean.

My son is giving me a hard time . He has meltdowns over having to do simple things. I can not take it anymore. Today I honestly wanted to tell him to pack his shit up and leave. I figure why should I have to leave, I am the one making the house payment, not him.

I think every house with children or husbands in it , should come complete with a jail cell. One single cell. When the inmates at your house act up, you lock them in there and shove their food thru the small feeding door. You only give them TP upon request. I swear to God I would have this boy in lockdown if I could.

He is to write 100 senteces for me later. He told me I need to start being nice and that I need to be a mom, a good mom.

I told him "why start now?"

Somedays I wonder what the hell I was thinking when I wanted to have kids. I swear, I clearly needed to be under strict psychiatric care at the time. Nothing like being diagnosed 10 years too late.

I mean don't get my wrong, kids have their place. You need a very dependable person to wipe the drool from your mouth after you get old. A person to mow your lawn when your too lazy to get out and do it, or someone to put your air conditioner in when your 80...And take it out...These things we need to prepare for.

this just in Butch just informed me the reason he gets a few wrong on his spelling tests is because he has Wiggles songs in his head. And that I should not let Boo Bee listen to her CD's anymore because it is drastically effecting his ability to study and pass a spelling test..

I indeed will not be getting a mother of the year award again this year.

curse you damn wiggles

In other news......

ok there is no other news right now......

Lets all ban together and make cells for our homes. I swear if Dr. Phil steals this idea I will indeed kick him in the balls again.

Bee Real

Monday, September 25, 2006

Close encounter of the bald kind


The ground is wet, the land is fertile. I am not fertile, but something is sure to be.

I mentioned way in an earlier post about warning my Bees of the dangers of being kidnapped. I tell them strangers are bad, don't look anyone in the eye, and if someone offers you a lolly punch them in the gut.

Well sad to say, not everyone was listening. As my Blondie Bee is waiting at the bus stop right at my corner it happened. My mother was an eyewitness to the whole encounter.

A car stopped at the corner. An adult got out. And tried luring my dog into the car. My dog is as big of retarded as the bees. Hell she licks her own ass. She is not treated well here. She gets cold meat from the table, water served in a bowl on the floor, and her potty is a yard in front of God and everyone. She only gets baths when I feel like doing it. I sometimes don't take her to the groomer, only because I am lazy. When she does not go every two months her poop starts sticking to her fur. That is my cue to take her. She is nearly to that point.

Yet someone wanted to take her. What is even sadder, as soon as my mom saw the attempted abduction and opened the door the stupid dog came running back into the house. This is truly proof that dogs are indeed stupid. She coulda had a good life. And she freaking blew it.

I had to take Blondie to get her dress for the upcoming nuptials for my dad. We went to Davids Bridal, that is where my dress and the brides dress were all purchased. Blondies dress is very cute. She hates dresses.

While I was talking to Cindy on the phone...she was the nice lady from the bridal shop..She told me that the parking lot was busy...Why? Well Dr. Phil..and I use the term Dr very loosely..and his wife were at the Christian Book store right next door signing books. I told her I was going to rush right over so I could get him in the nuts.

I will not tell you what happen after that. I do not want to incriminate myself. Afterall, I do know what goes on in the county jail. I will leave it at that.

Oh, I am going on a detox diet. I have finally decided to divorce Weight Watchers. I need more structure. I need a detailed guideline. I cant be free to go willy nilly. I am bad with math, counting points is just way too damn hard. I need a diet not a damn accountant.

Not sure what the detox diet is, but I hope I don't have any withdrawals from anything. I think I will be living on berries, nuts, and muddy water. Which sucks because I don't eat nuts.

I will let you know how this works out....mmkay?

Oh wanna hear some awesome rocking news? My MIL is coming. She will be here Thursday.

Oh crap I forgot what my good news was...Oh hell maybe another day.

someone please shoot me....Or just use a tazer gun....If u do shoot me, just do it in the foot or something. I am a wuss. Ok wait, skip the gun...Maybe just use a sling shot. Nope, I don't much care for rocks whipped at my skull. How about maybe just poisoning me. Oh hell I may have just done that myself. After all, I do live on the dangerous side...I did have spinach today. And it was good. .

I. Feel. Weak.

Must. Find. thejohn.

I am sure I am fine. It is normal to have stomach pains so wreched that you double over beggin for certain death? Or that you vomit peices of your colon?

yup, I am just fine.

Bee Real

Friday, September 22, 2006

Everybody wants to rule the world

it should be marked somewhere in granite that I can not work with inmates for more then one day in a row. Otherwise I come home and want to run my house like a jail, which in theory is not a bad idea.

I hate getting up at the crack of dawn to go and serve inmates their cocktails of narcotics that we pay for, and 2 meals they don't appreciate. I get that here, without leaving. Well minus the narcotics.

At the jailhouse yesterday I caused an uproar with the ladies. I did a cell search and found a pair of tweezers. Which of course is considered a weapon. Now they are allowed tweezers, they just have to return them and the officer who hands them out should always make sure they are returned.

Anyhoo, I found the tweezers, and took their TV away for 48 hours. I think I may have a hit out on me now, not sure but the word on the cell block is I do.

My partner found some other items as well, but for some reason I am the one on the shit list..Course I am the one who took the TV away, afterall it was my call, and I called it.

Then I come home and find out I have forgotten to send Blondie Bees permission slip for her trip to the the apple Orchard Friday, my son has been purposely missing the bus so he can walk home from school and Boo Bee tinkles on my bathroom floor cuz she just cant hold it.

Oh and my house, don't let get me going on that. At least the jail is clean. Hell the inmates even clean their own cells. Yet I cant get anyone to clean at the hive. I obviously have no pull here.

Well again I Friday I will be up at 5am to be to work at 6am. I will get verbally abused by 6:30 am because I refuse to give the ladies breakfast in bed, I actually make them get up and get it themselves, good God.

Then I will be sexually harassed by the guys in MAX. They will ask me to come "trim them with the clippers"

Then the little dude in Medium will beg me to let him make a free call to his mommy because he has not spoken to her since Sunday. I will deny his request and he will cry.


Anyone wanna trade places?

This weekend I plan on doing nothing. If I shower it will be considered a job well done.

Bee Real

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Bad Medicine

I had a horrible case of aneurysm Tuesday. I felt like my head was going to pop like Jiffy Pop. I kept waiting all day for the kernels to start burning, but nothing happen.

My poor Blondie bee, bless her cotton socks..hehe JOJO....She came home from school, nervous about her upcoming dental extraction. I notice her shoes are on the wrong feet. I ask her if they were like that all day..Indeed they were.

She then tells me she needs to go change her pants before we go..Why?..Well apparently in my Jiffy Pop state of mind, I let her go to school with her pants on backwards..Who the hell does that? I thought it was odd her pockets were in the front, but she does have pants that are like that...Bad mothering on Bossy's part, I know.

Here is my baby girl......Bless that backwards pants wearer ..

I am not sure she is still alive..I mean I should really check her pulse or something..

And I do have some proof that my Butch Bee is still amongst the living. He is hanging by a thread though, and this piece of thread is is very frayed.

while my mom was watching him when I took Blondie to get horrid fears of the dentist, my mom kissed him on the cheek when he came home from school. As he always does, he immediately wiped it off with his arm. My mom said to him " you too old for kisses from your grandma?"

My son being as quick witted as him ole mum says to her.

" nope, I am just transferring it to my arm."

See he is still alive....Or wait, this photo could be old...You would never know.

This will be my last post for the week. I work with the ole inmates Wed-Fri from 6am till 6pm.......They will be damned sorry they came across my path. Although I tell them they can avoid me by keeping there bums out of county lock up. I get damned tired of footing the bill for these jokers to eat, wipe their asses, and take narcotics. Just something wrong there.

Say a little prayer for the lassies and lads at the jail, because I am in no mood for their bullcrap. I may just have to break down and make them write out sentences. That might keep em out of jail.

Well I best go check Blondies Bee pulse. It is already questionable if the oldest is still alive.

Bee Real

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

A Mandatory staff meeting

So I had come to a boiling point. It is never a good idea when this happens. Not for the staff here at my hive, nor for me.

Saturday after we got back from our trip to the damn zoo, I get some work done around here and then I have to pee really bad. I head to the restroom, pull my drawers down, then I notice sprinkles of what appear to be someone else's body fluids on my seat. I call my son in, tell him to clean it, then he would be writing 100 sentences.

" I will not pee on the toilet seat"

100 times. He whined and cried and said this to me in a fit of rage

"can we please make a peace treaty? Can we just agree to get along?"

I told him to consider the sentences he was writing as our peace treaty and that him writing that was our agreement that he would never piss on the toilet seat again.

After he was done, which took him about 3 hours......I had him bring me his notebook so I could make sure there was 100 .On the second page the lad drifted off from our original sentence agreement this is what he wrote.

"I will not be bossed around by my mom"

Oh hell no you just didn't write that.

I wont go into any detail about what happen after that...

So I have laid down some house rules. Along with bathroom rules. If they are broken they will be moving out.

While I was at work Sunday night a man who we are boarding grabbed TP off my medcart when I was passing meds. I told him, and I quote

" you ever grab shit off this cart again and that will be the last thing you grab for..Got it."

he then asked me if I was always a bitch. I told him yes. He then said he remembers me working at the prison he use to live at. I told him have he has a shoddy memory .

He then told me he had been in prison for 16 years and he never forgets a face. I then told him that 16 years in prison was very impressive. He then told me to go f-myself and that I was a total bitch.

So I did.


as I was watching the season premiere of Oprah Monday, I was very pissed off. How arrogant is this woman that she thinks we want to watch video of her and her lady lover on a road trip? Over half of working Americans can not afford to take family vacations, and here she is bitching and complaining about the price of gas and how she doesn't even remember how to pump gas. Who the hell cares? Why does she think we care? Why does she think we want to see her and her lady lover fighting over the radio, fighting about directions or fighting about driving . That is the sign of a woman who is has got the ego of a superhuman asswipe. I use to love Oprah. I dated her in a dream once, and we had good times. But I will be dammed if we want to watch her on a road trip. Who the Sam bloody hell cares?

And how can a billionaire complain about the price of gas..She should talk to Mr Shaky who drives an hour and 15 minutes ONE WAY to work everyday..Cost us over 100 bucks a week in gas.....

I just must be in a pissy mood. I hate Oprah now.

Later today I take Blondie Bee for her dental extraction. She gets two more baby teeth pulled.Poor lassie has no room for adult teeth. I say that's fine, that's less teeth I have to worry about her brushing....But whatever.

then I work 3 12 hour shifts in a row starting Wed. I am wondering why I thought getting a job was a good idea. I now see I am way to delicate for such features. Being told to f-myself is not only the making of a great day, but gives you that warm fuzzy feeling. Like when grandma use to make you oatmeal.

Good times.

Bee Real

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Animals suck

Being the nice motherly figure I so try to be, I took the bees to the zoo Saturday. Now at the time of said adventure it indeed sounded like a good time. Blue sky, Warm breeze, happy kids, animals u don't normally see on a walkabout in the out of doors.

What more could you ask for on a lovely Saturday afternoon?

Well first off Butch did not want to go because he wanted to go to the Science museum. Then Boo said she wanted to go, but she wanted to see dogs.

I told her there were wolves. No, she wanted dogs and cats.

They fought the whole way there. And back.

Here is a glimpse of the day, I have narrated it as ole Croc hunter would of..Enjoy..

On the way home I tried one of those Dairy Queen burgers with the chili . I love chili and I love cow muscle, but when you combine such items on a bun, they look like vomit and taste like what I picture pig tongue to taste like. I wasted a whole day worth of weight watcher points on that. I may just pretend that bitter blow did not happen.

All and all the weekend has pretty much sucked.

I wont be posting again until Tuesday. I work Sunday from 1400-2200. For you dweebs that aren't hip on military time that's 2pm till 10pm. Then Tuesday I take Blondie to have more baby teeth pulled so her other teeth can sprout. Funny, her mouth seems big enough when she is talking..Then Wed- Friday I work 0600-1800.pop quiz..What time is that?

your wrong its 6am till 6pm..If you were right...Good job bloke.

So my bees are close to an adoption hearing and I should of just taken Boo to the damn animal shelter. It would of been more cost effective and there is no gift shop.

Bee Real

Friday, September 15, 2006

One more for the road

So I took my Boo to the ER last night. My toddler who sounded as though she had a dire case of emphysema had a breathing treatment. Her pulse OX which is not suppose to be below 97 was hovering between 89-93..Her lips were not turning blue, but now I do have proof of why she is mentally retarded from this day on. She is breathing better today. She only sounds like someone with smokers lung rather then full blown emphysema...God bless her.

I am having one fo those days. I hate dealing with other peoples launguage barriers. I went to McDondlas to get my Boo some chicken nuggets, chocolate milk and apples..just because she has smokers lung does not mean she doesn't need to eat..

The woman whom was talking thru the loud speaker told me my total, which I thought was 3.50 or something of that nature. I pull up to the window hand her my money and she looks at me puzzled. She said 3.50..I said COUNT IT...FOR CHRISTS SAKE.

She then hold up her fingers to demonstrate the amount she meant. I could not understand a bloody word she was saying.
I hate that. Here I am, minding my own beeswax, driving thru getting my kid a good honest healthy lunch..And I feel as though I am somewhere in the heart of Mexico not knowing how to communicate my needs.Then I remember, I am not inMexico , I am in Minnesota where Americans live..That speak English...Thank God one of us was in the right place.

So I thought from now on once a week I would show pictures to see if Weight Watchers is really working....I showed myself last week..With my smelly orange shirt..This week I tried getting from all angels. remember I have to take these myself, my Boo would take pics of the toilet, the garbage can, the table..And so on, if I gave her the camera to take them...

I guess this is my legs.......Its hard getting a good photo when you are your own photographer.

Um, pardon me...Its my backside.....

Um I guess lower ab portion and thigh area...

Check out the zip or whathaveu on my chin......Damn...That's nasty.


now that you got your fright for the night...Wanna hear something cool...We ordered our tickets today..But guess what..We got the VIP tickets and we are guaranteed seats in the first 10 rows..I wont tell you how much that costs, I don't want to seem completely foolish. So not only will we have a chance to meet them afterward, we have some sweet seats.....

Gosh if I die before this day, I will haunt everyone I know....That means YOU..

So here is hoping I can sustain life until at least October 22....That gives me a day of leeway to die...

Plus I think I am getting a raging yeast infection..damn the effects of sweating so bad the yeast starts growing..If that is not excuse enough to stop working out, not sure what is..Plus I cant ever get the smell out of the pits...I have some rank pits as mr shaky would say...I tell him that is proof I work out harder then he does...

Now what have we learned..

I am still fat after weight watchers

My boo has smokers lung even though she dont inhale, nor do her parents..ever!

My shirts still stink

I spent too much money on an event that will last mere hours.

Working out causes yeast infections.


Bee Real

Pour some vicks rub on me

Well all three of the bees were sick with the monkey pox yesterday. My poor Boo Bee is having some labored/rapid breathing....Being I was nearly a doctor at one point in my life, I know a fever can cause that..As well as monkey pox. Her fever went down a bit, still breathing hard....Damn kids....She is off to the doc ASAP..

I had to go to Blonide Bees first grade meeting. You know what pissed me off? There are a few Mexican kids in her, that part does not piss me off, but the fact they need a translator to repeat everything the teacher says did. It was very disruptive. It was like having someone whisper in the back..Oh it made me madder then a hornet in heat. LEARN THE LANGUAGE..Please, if you chose to move to a land where u did not know the laungauge, wouldn't you at least have some knowledge of it before you moved there? Damn......I don't have time for this bull crap.

Then yesterday morning at 8:35 my sons school calls to ask where he is. Now I was just getting ready to look the number up to call..School only stared 10 damn minutes ago..I cant believe they had missed him already...I tell her he is sick..The bitch says

" you know, you still have to call and tell us..."

da, no damn crap....This woman looks like Andrea Yates with the personality of a rabid basset hound. And I have only met her twice. Once with the bee sting episode, and once the other day when she told me I need to take him to the doctor. So far I am not impressed with the damn office lady.

My baby girl sounds a 50 year smoker who is breathing on their last lung...

yet she still crawls on my lap and now she says

" momma I don wike you."

Then she proceeded to tell me she needs a "dowcter" and a "band-aide"

I will admit, I think the girl needs a doctor, but I will be damned if I am wasting anymore band-aides.

Bee Real

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Make love like a man

I have readily decided that Weight Watchers is a program indeed thought up by patrons of the Satanic Church of the Lader Day Non Saints. I will be damned if when I follow it like the Bible of Fat Girls I lose lots of weight. When I don't, I don't lose any weight. Why is this? Its not like I consume mass quantities of food otherwise. This coming from a gal who runs/walks 4 miles per day and weight trains. Granted I only want to lose about 15-20 pounds, but why does it only come off if I follow Weight Watchers? Weight Watchers sucks.How can any one person sustain life on a mere 20 points per day? It can not be done with out a life being taken, for sacrifice of course.

I am thinking of turning this service into the Better Business Bureau. I don't think we need to be associated with a company that is run by people who belong to the satanic church.....But hey, that's just me.

My son is still running a slight fever. No, I have not taken him to the doctor. I have enough common medical knowledge to know when a child needs to run to the docs office. It kind of made me giggle when the school had suggested such an assnine thing. He was coughing with a fever. Now I indeed did NOT finish med school, but I DO know he was in no danger of losing his life. They kind of looked at me like the lad had TB or something. They don't realize he has a form of asthma where he coughs uncontrollably if he gets a tad bit of a virus. Looks like the little pisser will be missing school again tomorrow, I do have enough common sense not to send them when they have gone less then 24 hours with a fever. Although he had spent much of Wednesday trying to kill flies with a coloring book and taking Boo Bees Dora doll away from her, just to make her whine. I wanted at one point to bash his head into the coffee table, but I refrained..Only because of the strict child endangerment laws.

The tickets for my Def Leppard show go on sale Saturday. I am buying the most expensive seats...I had a hell of a time talking Mr Shaky into letting me cross state lines to stalk a heavy metal band, whom I just saw in concert 2 months ago..But he is letting me go. I will be meeting the band this time..It is one of the perks of being a member of the club and wearing a slutty shirt. Don't be jealous...Don't be a hater...No need for haters here.

If one of them decided they want to marry me, it is a chance I am willing to take. I will send Mr Shaky a monthly allowance to make sure the kids are well fed and that their clothes match when they go to school.

I am a good mum that way...

My lil Blondie Bees first grade teacher sent a note home that they will be learning about money and counting it in math class. She has asked we send in a bunch of pennies, dimes, nickels and quarters.

So not only do I supply ALL the school supplies, but I also have to supply the coins for teaching, Kleenex for the kids in Pakistan, and it cost 20 bucks per semester for the kids to have snack milk, plus they need to bring their own damn snacks..I say public schools are top freaking notch..Just a step above out houses and and tree stumps for desks.

I swear to God I am just going to give each school one of my checkbooks and be done with it.

Bee Real

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

I wear my sunglasses @ night

let me ask you this. If your say, piddling or pooing in the crapper, and you happen to use the last slice of ultra soft cotton TP, what do you do? Do you get a new roll and place it where it should go? Or do you leave it empty for the next user to have to stand up mid stream run to the closet with piddle streaming down their leg in order to replace the freaking roll ? Or do you replace ot pronto, cause the next user could be you? I know this is the question of the ages.

I swear to the heavenly father, who lets me nearly streak an entire tanning salon, that if I go one more time into one of my lavortories and not have a fresh roll of Charmin, I will kill somebody. I mean I will literally get homicidal. Pretty soon I will rip all said crappers out of my hive and make these damn jokers urinate in the wind like the bears do.

My kids are not the only ones to leave the spot where my TP goes empty. Mr Shaky has done so, as well as my mother. WHY? I don't get it.

Do I look that bloody bored that you think you are doing me a favor by giving me something to do? To tell you the truth, I don't mind little odd jobs, I would just rather not do them with me pants round me ankles with piddle streaming down cause I couldn't freaking wipe it off. This tends to piss me off.

and what grown man cant go thru a 4 hour med class without needing two damn breaks? I swear, I was at a med training class and this feller was always needing a break? And it would be different say maybe he had prostate troubles or maybe needed to take his pills, but when you run right to the control room and start snacking on corn chips and salsa,a me thinks you need to graze every few hours in order to maintain and sustain your quality of life. And I just don't have time for that.

Then just as I was about to leave for said class my sons school calls to inform me the lil lad has a fever of 102.5. Now the little bastard is laying on my couch sucking on a popscile and just looking ever so content with the fact the school suggested he see a doctor tomorrow rather then come ot school.

Then my Boo Bee hops up on my lap gives me a kiss and a hug and says

" momma, I wike you."

I say " that's nice, I love you too."

"no, momma, I said I WIKE you."

well I will be a monkeys uncle, not only do these jerkoffs not change the roll of TP, but they only wike me. I will be damned if I will ever give up a kidney for someone who just likes me.

this was my Tuesday wrapped in a tiny nutshell..Then a squirrel came and cracked it open ate my insides and shoved my shell in its cheeks to bat around later for when he gets bored.

Bee Real

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Wake me up before u go-go

Sometimes I do wonder where my sense and sensibility lye. I mean I am a semi-intellect, or so I label myself anyway. But my moron-ness lies here..Picture this if u will.

I am laying in my tanning bed, minding my own bees-wax. My time runs up, and I hop out of the bed..I grab my shorts, and socks, put my shoes on. Everything seems semi normal. I head toward the door not giving it a second thought. I open the door a tad, as I am about to walk out of my room, and that's how you get out of rooms..You open the door. As I have the door almost halfway ajar, I realize something. Something very awful.

I forgot to put my shirt on. AND MY BRA..I am attempting to streak God and everyone within eye shot of my door. Now normally I am not a nudist nor do I practice it at home..ask Mr shaky..But for some un-known reason I thought I would meander into the lobby with no shirt on.

Now luckily, I realized my error before I headed out of the room. And thankfully I was the only patron left in the building as it was closing. But I have to wonder. What the bloody hell was I thinking? I don't normally forget to put clothes on my person. Not ever.

I would even forget to dis robe during a gyno visit..They practically had to pry my pants off when I birthed out the bees. So I am not sure what's going on. Am I going senile? Is this how it starts? Do you forget to dress yourself? I don't know. But I am scared now....Very scared.

As I was leaving the tanning salon I look across to the park. The park is filled with homeless, and kids playing and frolicking in the grass. As I am looking over at the park I notice one homeless man. He is dirty, looks to be well fed, has a newspaper..And he has a pack of smokes he is opening. Now my question is this. At what point do you give up smoking? The fact you can not afford a car or home does not hinder your smoking abilities? How is this? I don't get it. I wanted to go ask him how he could afford his smokes with no obvious showering facitlies nor sleeping facitleis. How do you afford them? Where do you get them? Why don't you quit?...Maybe save your pennies for a meal or something...I don't know...

Call me crazy, but if I could not afford to have clean underwear daily. I may, just may decide that smoking should seese until I can afford laundry soap, a toothbrush and maybe a stick of deodarant.

my Boo Bee is quite a little lady. Today she lets out this fart that any eldery man would blame on his wife. I mean it was loud. She says with a shocked voice

"momma, what was dat noise?"

" I don't know, what was it?

" I fartin momma, its a poopy fart."

" nice.....That's gross you know."

" no, I just kiddin momma, da doggy did it."

Already blaming her farts on the dog. Where do they come up with this crap?

Well here is hoping that today I remember to put my shirt on before I leave the house.

good God I am turning into my great grandmother.

Bee Real

Monday, September 11, 2006

Everytime u go away

Today is a special day. You want to know why? Of course you do. On this day a few years back, this happened.


This is my dog Ellen. She is two today. No she is not getting a cake, presents or even an acknowlgement that she has been born. You want to know why? Because she is a pain in my rear.

She barks too much, she eats too much, she likes to piss on my floor , and she chews my shit..

She has had fleas,and she smells, she needs hair cuts every six weeks or her poop sticks to her as$.

Lets move past the fact I spent about $700.00 on her, or that she is a pedigree. She pisses on my floor, and she smells funny. Can I get a damn refund?

She is lucky she has gone thus far with out a bath in battery acid.

Guess what happen to me Saturday. I was stung by a mother fu*king bee.

IN MY EAR. It was buzzing around in my room and I thought I had smushed it. I came downstairs to get ready to hit my treadmill, and I notice something dancing around my hair. Then this bee comes tumbling out of my ear and proceeds to sting me. Safe to say the bastard is dead now.


My Shaky does not know this, but I want badly to do something. I am sure he will say no. I am sure I wont care. But I was looking and these people are coming to Fargo in October. I know, I know..Fargo is 3 hours away and in a different state. But this is all part of my life long dream to follow a band on the road like a hooker. I know I saw them in July here...But would it be fun





This will make my dreams of following a band on tour a tad closer. I have never crossed state lines for a concert..So I have a special shirt picked out for such an event.

take a look at this kids.

I am gonna look so HAWT..

Bee Real

Friday, September 08, 2006

Told u I was gonna die

I found this on a blog while cruising thru blogland..I found it somewhat fitting..


'What" will your obituary say?' at

Have a smashing good weekend..

Why don't we get drunk and screw

Well today really did not start out any better. First up my Butch Bee piddled around and purposley missed the bus so he could walk. I told him if a guy tries to kidnap you, its not my fault, this is why I don't like you walking. He assured me he knew enough karate to make it to school should such a problem arise. I had him call me when he got to school. And he did. Another day clear of kidnapping or mameing.

What is this whole Beta thing about? I see some blogs who have down graded to it, they can not comment nor can we unless we get Beta too?..Why are we doing this? I am not converting to Beta. I am scared. Why don't you guys just leave well enough alone....I don't get what Beta is, or why some of you are getting it. Please come back to the way it should be..

Last night I was trying to explain to Mr Shaky Pants about my feelings of missing out on something. He totally pissed me off. You know what the jerk off said?....Said I need Jesus and blah blah blah....Jesus isn't going to help me scrap book or paint ceramics. Jesus isn't going to take me out for dinner so I can get out of my house with no bees following me. Jesus isn't gonna buy me a winning lotto ticket so I can retire peacefully in Key West and be a groupie for a summer while I follow my favorite band on tour....Jesus has HIS place, by all means. Me and Jesus, heck we are like this:)

Just don't think He is gonna go out for drinks with me or sit at a tattoo parlor while I get another tattoo or take me on a long drive to the ocean to see flamingos and stingrays.

So Mr Shaky went on and on about all this. I told him if he keeps this talk up he might want to put his drawers back on because I was going to bed.

Alas, my feeling has passed slightly.

Guess what I did today? I met one of my Blogger friends. Her name is Gette..She is on my sidebar, I cant link or I would..I am stupid..Get over it.

Her and I have a lot I common. For one ,her hubby is going to seminary as well. She has a potty mouth..Which makes me love her more. I am who I am. Hubby is who he is. I will be a preachers wife who attends church sometimes, will have a nose ring, 5 or more tattoos, listening to hard rock and go to concerts and drool over metal men I will never have nor meet..I like throwing out naughty words sometimes, I like to drink sometimes...I like horror movies and I love South Park....

Does that mean I am any less religious? I hardly think so. I don't have to conform to any mold to make anyone happy. I am who I am, that wont change. Doesn't mean I don't believe any less or more then the rest of you people. I wont wear hats to church, I wont grow my hair long with a butt crease down the center, I wont listen to Christian Rock...I wont do these things because that is not who I am. I will go to church on Sunday while my Def Leppard :YEAH! CD is blaring thru my windows. I will wear my short skirt and my bright orange sandal's that match..My hair will be pulled up, showing off my tattoo on the back of my neck. WHY?..Because this is who I am. I wont be taking my nose ring out, nor trying to hide the fact I am a wild flower inside.

Ok, I take my nose ring out for work..Just because I want a damn paycheck.

Anyway...I met Gette. I really like her. She has a cute son my Boo Bee loved playing with. He kept taking her care bear. I think that is a sign he will take the remote when he grows up..

here they are playing..

This is Gette cleaning off her lil boys face...I love this picture..

Anyway, we had a good time, and I hope we meet again, next time come to my hive. We have lots of care bears here..

I put my work out clothes on. In preparation for my 4 mile run round the lake I could very well drown in. This is me..

You see my orange shirt? It is one of my favoirte work out shirts.....I have a damn question. Why do ALL my work out shirts smell in the arm pits? No matter what I do...The smell does not get out....I use Gain, I use fabric softener...I know I work out hard, but damn I smell so bad and I have not even moved a damn muscle. I don't get it. Maybe I need to wash my work out clothes in hot water....Or maybe I need to burn them after each use..

Look, its nice out..Look how hot it is today

Yup, that's 90....Sweet 90.....

This is Blondie Bee lil friend who does not knock, but just walk in my house..ya know the one I mean...

Aint she cute as a button......

I have noticed that some blogs that I read, now have me off their bloglist...But yet they still come here everyday, because I can tell who comes here...I am sneaky that way. What I want to know is if I offended you enough to be taken off your bloglist, why do u keep coming here....I will admit lots of blogs on my list I don't read, I am to lazy to take them off...But man, if you take me off, stop coming here. I will get a permanent restraining order...I realize I am a tad out there to someone who may be taken a back by the stuff that spews from my mouth. I am fine with that. I totally understand not wanting to read someone because they say stuff you don't care for. But why keep coming here. Shoooo...I dunno.

So what have we learned?

I have a son who wants to be kidnapped

I smell

I met a cool blogger today

Her son likes boos care bear

I love Jesus

I also like cussing

I will call me kids retards till they prove me otherwise

Hubby aint getting any if he talks church talk at bedtime

Have a good weekend....

Like always....Stay sober, stay clothed, and don't free base on the court house lawn.

Bee Real

OK I want to re-do my blog..if anyone can help me it would be greatly appreicaited. I want to keep this one so I can switch back and forth. I have some ideas...i just dont know how to do it...I am willing to pay a small anyone who can help if you know how to customize templates and create me or leave me a comment...

tanks people..

another question. who the hell is coming here using a link I gave them in yahoo mail? I have 2 differnt ones coming here, but I dont know anyone in Willmer or Pease Minnesota. The one in Pease is using Fronteirnet internet. I swear, I am worried someone who may leak all my secerts is reading this, and I have no idea who would live there. I know the ones from MN who read this, and I know when its them. Now email me and let me know who I can still post pics of odd girl, ugly kid...or talk about work....if I dont find out who it is, i wont be talking about any of this anymore..its to risky..

I swear I dont know anyone who lives there to mail them a link..or if anyone mailed someone a link to this site let me know..i just want to have all my bases covered. shit. who the hell are you?...probably my Pastor or my boss at the jail..I will be banned from both places..But I KNOW who I mail stuff to and who I dont..

ok carry on...

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Wild side

I am in such a damn pissy mood that I just may be on the verge of homicidal. And no I am not pmsing, but thanks jerkoff.

I got a call from my sons school at around 9am. They said he was stung by a bee on the playground before school started. And he was telling them how woosie he was feeling and blah,blah blah.....They ask me to come up and check him over. I go there, he is laying on a bed in the nurses office, when I peak in he is laying with his eyes wide open...When he "sees" me coming he quickly closes his eyes and goes all limp.

The office lady shows me where the sting took place. On the top of his damn head. Its red, its a tad bloody, but nothing to leave school for. I tell him he will be fine and that he indeed is not going to die, nor come home...Case closed.

It is just one of those days where you wake up pissed off. I have a splitting headache, and I am sure I need some good pain killers. If not to cure my headache, to cure my mother trucking mood.

Then Boo Bee craps her pants and I ask her " why didn't u go to the potty?"...This is always her response..

" momma, I sorry, I sorry momma I not a bad girl"

Yes...Yes you are a bad girl...Right now you don't know how close you are to me ripping your crapper out of your tiny body.

I have a headache, please somebody shoot me...Between the eyes preferably...

I am tired of things. All things. I am tired of my phone ringing, I am tired of these damn kids in the hood just opening my damn door and walking in...I am tired of these snot ass kids asking me why the bees cant play..I am tired of having to look at odd looking girl, and I am tired of my Blondie Bee roaming the hood without asking me to leave . She thinks she can just go wherever the hell she wants. Her lil as* is grounded right now...She slams her door, tells me how much she hates me, and that she will never speak to me again...I say..You promise?

Then not more then 5 minutes later she comes out asking for food. No food girl, best you get your lil blonde rear end back to your room before I nail the door shut.

Then she is all mad because before school I asked if she wanted hot or cold lunch. I told her they were having spaghetti for lunch at school, and she said she wanted that. One less lunch I have to make, I am happy. I stuff her lunch money in her backpack and send her on her way.

After she is grounded to her room and after I tell her she can not have any food till dinner, she comes out with a sassy attitude to tell me that she in fact did not have spaghetti for lunch, rather they had French toast, and that I must not be able to read a menu and.....blah blah blah...And that I know she likes pancakes NOT French toast..I stopped listening for a while not sure what else she spewed out of her tiny mouth.

I then looked at her menu, it indeed did say French toast, it was my sons menu that had spaghetti...Why do they have separate items?..I hate this state, I hate this town and I hate the school system..

Then my son brings home a note saying he needs 3 more damn notebooks plus I need to pay 3 bucks for some kind of something....I don't know..I stopped reading after it said I needed to give them money. I spent 100 bucks on school supplies...I am not spending anymore money....Man I hate people .....Pretty soon they are gonna ask for rent money for the space the kids are taking up in the school, and wanting lot rent for their desk, and start charging everytime these kids flush the crappers at school.

This whole episode today got me thinking. Well not just this episode but since I felt my demise was going to be shortly. I have realized I have no real passion for anything. I mean when people say their kids are their passion they are bloody fools, or liars. If your kids are your passion then your a child molester or a damn idiot. Kids should be your life, you should feel passion about them, wanting them to be good and mold them into good people...which I am not doing anymore, I give up...

So where and what is my passion? I dunno anymore..and I am too damn tired and lazy to hunt for it.

Then you hear how that croc guy died doing what he loved doing,and that he would be happy he died that way,...blah blah blah...I don't think anyone really ever wants to die, and anyway you do die would not make one happy. Rather I would think it would piss you off.

So then I realized if I were to die what would I want to be doing? What am I passionate about? What do I love doing?

Sleeping?....Sure..I could die in my sleep..I would just think its all a big damn dream..

Eating?..Sure I could choke to death on something..

Blogging? Sure, I could fall off my chair, and hit my head on the floor and die of an emblism....Or whathaveu

Walking? Yup, I could be chased by a bear or trip and fall and drown in the lake..

There are any number of ways I could die. I cant say any of those things would make me happy to die doing. I mean is there really such a thing as being happy to die doing something? It makes no sense to me. I guess I will be bloody pissed off to die, no matter what the hell I am doing.

I would love to live long enough to see my kids be bailed out of jail for the first time, or to get their GED, or whatever...

I just have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I am not doing something I should be doing..Like I am missing out on something...I don't know what..I cant explain it...Maybe its an ulcer, or hell stomach cancer.

Damn if that odd looking girl opens my mother fuc*ing door one more time while I am typing this I am gonna go beat her damn head with a bat..

maybe it would gain a better shape that way....Damn..See..I am in a pissy damn mood.

Anyway, where the hell was I?

I don't know..It doesn't even matter anyway..I am done...I have nothing worth while to say other then I am pissed and who really fuc*ing cares anyway?

And damn now I am gonna go nail Blondie Bees window shut because I can hear her chatting it up with the kids outside....Damn...

I need vodka. I need pain killers. And I guess I need Prozac.

Help me.....

Bee Real....Or die trying.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

We will rock you

I saw this man at the store the other day. I looked at him, there was nothing special about him persay,just a normal looking gent. Then I heard him talk. He had an accent, I want to say it was Australian. But for all I know it was Scottish, Irish or German. I don't bloody know. All I know is that when I heard him talk I stopped what I was doing and listened to him speak. You can take the grangliest (I think I just made that word up..r u impressed?) looking feller , he could be missing teeth, be sprouting black teeth, have no hair, or a head full of lice ridden greasy hair..You throw an accent on him and all of a sudden he seems better looking. Why is that? It makes them seem smarter. I don't know why.

But then you take someone with say a deep southern twang. And they could be the smartest gent or gal on the planet, but they seem retarded. Why? Why does a southern accent make a person sound stupid? They could be telling me the sky is blue and that the grass is green. And I will still ask for a second opinion. WHY?

here is an example of what I mean...example one

British man says " why, don't you look lovely"
Southerner says " damn woman, u lookin fine"

British man says " good day, cheerio"
Southern man says " yous better be gettin along,brings me back some smokes on da way home ole lady"

See it just all sounds better coming from across the water. I don't know why...Maybe its just me, I dunno.

This is just a thought I was pondering...I will tell you other things I ponder, I have mentioned these before..But I have new ones as well..

Ok, why do FOREIGN accents make ugly men better looking?
Why don't you ever see squirrels potty themselves?
Why doesn't anyone know anyone who lives in Delaware?
Where do birds sleep? I don't ever see any nests in the trees.
Why do toddlers only repeat words you say that are naughty?

Anyhoo, school started. I was happy.I will have a slide show in a bit..My whole day was blissful.

I took my Boo Bee to the potty several times today. How many times do you think she pee-peed in the potty? NONE....When she woke up from her nap she was soaking wet. The first thing she said to me was " momma, I not a bad girl, can I have m&m's now?"

Um, no you cant have any candy. Pretty soon I am gonna wean you off liquids all together.

I keep trying to get a snap shot of odd looking kid. I have not seen her yet today. Pretty sad I want to see this girl so I can make some sort of an internet freakshow out of her poor disability of being ugly..I am going right to hell.

course you all knew that anyway...

here is my link for my slide show

Seeing my ugly side show bees should be plenty good enough until odd looking kid peers her head out from the bridge she lives under.


Bee real