Tuesday, September 30, 2008

hot child in the city

After my talk of eating batter last post, it made me miss the days of being able to consume anything.

I mean if i were to eat a thing of say cookie dough right now, not only would I more then likely vomit, but I would gain about 10 pounds.

When I was a kid and teen, I could eat anything. I mean I had my standards, but holy shit they were not much...

Remember Corn Nuts?..Holy hell I use to consume full bags of corn nuts, cans of cashews and the motherload of brownie batter and peanut butter cups.

But like I said, all the teen sex kept me in shape.

Even after I got married, I could still eat anything. Oh it was glorious.

Then two years after I wed, I had a baby, and things all went to hell at that point.

My boobs went from the size of tiny marbles to a full sized king beds.

And after each baby, the boobs got bigger and bigger. I mean now, 5 years after having the last tot, my boobs sort of in a way defy gravity.

I mean how can something grow like that?

I don't know.

And they are still perky...how does that work?

It could be worse, they could be hanging to my knees and get caught in my socks.

So that is a good thing.

And being a stay at home mom does nothing for the figure.

I think in the last year I have gained 8 pounds.

Ok I don't think it, I know it.

And this not only troubles me, but makes me pissed off.

I am thinking I am not having enough marital sex. That must be the issue here. If we were still doing it like rabbits, I would look like a glowing 18 year old..

But hell, I just don't have time for that monkey business. I mean twice a week is all I got in me.

I could use it as a workout activity, but hell, I don't even do that much anymore.

I know I am lazy, but I still normally get off my ass and workout.

But lately I have found it very hard. I think I am in some sort of a depression. Or at least that is my excuse. Every fat girl needs an excuse as to why she is fat.

And thats mine.

I can recall being 17 years old, and being with my best friend and watching her weigh herself..she was like 150 or something. I remember thinking, if I ever weighed that much I would just die.

In my whole teen life and up until The Boy destroyed what waist line I had, I never weighed more then 120. I am a pretty tall gal, I am around 5 foot 8 or so..

I can remember thinking in my head that if I ever weighed even 130 I would not ever eat again..I would start my liquid diet. And that would consist of water, diet coke and vodka.

As I look at pics of myself I wonder what the fuck went wrong.

My size 8's turned into size 10's and now my size 10's have morphed into size 12's.

I don't like when things morph.

I always watch those commercials for like Weight Watchers or Nutrisystem..and it always says..results not typical.

That always makes me laugh, because someone can lose as little as 20 or 40 pounds and yet that result is just not typical..I can see a weight loss of say 120 pounds being not typical, but a mear 20?

That does not leave hope for us fat girls who just need to lose 20 pounds.

If it is not typical to lose 20 pounds, I am thinking its not practical for me to use it.

Why would I waste money on something that typically does not work? It does not make good business sense to me.

But I have come to a decision. I need to lose at the very least 20 pounds.

i have said before I would love to get down to my original weight of 7 pounds 13 ounces, but I am afraid I don't look good in sleeper pajama's and ruffled baby dresses anymore.

And why do people always say they are going to start losing weight on a Monday?

Is Monday some magical day? I thought people hated Monday. But it seems to be the day people think a life changing event can occur.

I don't by it.

I'm starting mine on Friday. Friday's are good days. its the start of the weekend. And who doesn't like a weekend?

I do hope I don't lose too much of the boobage I have occurred, because it does come in handy. It gets you free drinks, free meals, backstage passes, and jealously from all the flat chested freaks out there.

Don't be hatin u flatters...don't be hatin..

I'm just sayin that I am going to try my damnest to make it to a size 10 by Thanksgiving and a size negative 10 by Valentines Day.

but with a big rack still...

So starting next Friday, I will give you progress on how things are going.

Every Friday will be my weigh in day, and i will tell you how much I gained, I mean lost.

I'm not using Weight Watchers or anything of that sort, because well, results are not typical, and I don't got time to waste on that shit.

Anyone want to join me in the battle of the big butts?

I have until Friday to consume my box of fiddle faddle.

I like that shit. I have been known to consume a whole box in like 10 minutes. To my credit though, they don't pack a lot of fiddle in their faddle anymore. Only a couple handfuls..

So from this day on, I will workout 30 minutes a day, weight train 3 times a week, and not consume fiddle faddle in one sitting.

Curse the makers of the fiddle faddle.

It is depressing for me. And I don't like being depressed. It makes me fat.

Im going to get a pumkin pie blizzard from Dairy Queen now.

Good Day,

Sunday, September 28, 2008

So far away from me

One thing about the fall I enjoy is a pumpkin. Now going back many a year I have always fancied a pumpkin. Hell, I even make homemade Pumpkin Pie.

Yes this bitch guts the pumpkin, gets the flesh off the sides and makes her own filling.

Jealous?...don't be.

Once when I was about 12...(ok really I was about 16 or 17 but saying I was 12 makes me seem less retarded) I took a can of pumpkin pie filling my mom had, why she had it I don't know cause she never made pies. Anyway, I opened it and began to consume the can.

After about the second bite I nearly barfed on the floor. See at that time I had not realized I needed to make the proper preparations for said filling. I thought you could just eat it, right from the can.
Like ravioli.

How Naive I was..You actually have to MAKE it?...holy shit I had no bloody idea.

Lets see, you need evaporated milk, nutmeg,butter.....no no, this cant be.

That was false advertising for a teen as myself. I was caught off guard in the worse possible way.

A teenager who wants some pumpkin pie filling and gets a mouthful of just plain pumpkin makes a teen very unpleasant.

Who do you blame?

Its your own fault.

Did I ask my mother if it was ok to consume her can of pie filling?


I am sure if I would of, I would have been warned.

When I was a teen I always ate batter. Cookie batter ,cake, brownie it didn't matter.

Does this look like the face of a teen that would go postal if she did not get her mass quantities of batter?

See she looks pretty harmless...but damn she loved the batter.

So when she took a bite of the pumpkin shit, she went a tad postal...

Blaming everyone but herself.

That girl looks damn old enough to read a can for proper directions on how to consume mass quantities of pumpkin filling

Look, here she is again...

You would think that eating mass quantities of batter and filling would tend to make a teen girl a tad plump.

Nah, not when your having a bunch of ramped and random teenage sex and running track..

That's my fitness tip for the day.

So getting back to my original story.

I love pumpkins.

Every year we take the tots to the local pumpkin farm for a day of fun and whatever else u do at a pumpkin farm.

Look...have a gander.

30 cents a pound....for the pumpkins, not the tots.

There is Blondie panning for marbles, and hubs and Boo are back there too..

Oh, you don't know what panning for marbles is?

You poor poor fool.

You get a pan, and u dig in muddy, murky water for marbles.


On the wilderness trail Blondie found a tiny tree frog..and she touched it.


Oh gosh look, don't we just look like one big wholesome damn family.
The pumpkins I have planted in my garden, well, the fucking squirrels have been using them for snacks and good times.
I planted some JUST for making pies..the special pumpkin pie making ones.
And the damn wild life has helped themselves.
Nothing like looking out your window helplessly while squirrels, skunks, fox, and bears nibble on your pumpkin pies.
Gawd I hate animals.
Why don't they eat the tomatoes, we pick about 20 of those bitches a day, and I don't know what to do with them all.
Eat those assholes.
But no no no...the fuckers come and eat my pumpkins and laugh..I can see them giggling amongst themselves as they have brunch.
So this year when it comes time to make the pies, I'm going to have to go buy the cans of filling.
But at least I know not to just poor said can into my homemade pie shell.
I had to learn that shit the hard way.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

its the end of the world as we know it...

I am the type of gal who loves to hear crazy people talk about crazy things, and my hubs is the same way. I caught him one day on this website about what is suppose to happen in the year 2012...

If any of you do not know what I am referring to, according to the Mayan calender the world will end at 11:11 December 21, 2012.

I will get into the reasons why they think that in a minute.

When I read that, I just laughed. I mean why bother wasten money on Xmas gifts and such when it will all be blown up a couple days later, thats kind of a waste.

I thought to myself

oh shit, hubs is going to be stock piling shit like he did when Y2K hit..I cant bare to look at a room filled with Ramen noodles, water and peanut butter..


I told him if people come knocking on our door because he is reading this shit, I am kicking him out.

I don't have time for a stock pile of shit again, I just don't.

I'm a busy gal for Christ sake.

Anyway, the theory goes as such...

This is what all the smart people think..and these are smart people..

I'm not writing any of this to scare the shit outta anyone, I'm writing it because I find craziness truly fascinating...thats all..

1.Mayan Calender.
The first to predict 2012 as the end of the world were the Mayans, a Mesoamerican civilization, noted for developing very sophisticated mathematical and astronomical systems.
Mayan Prophiecy - Thousands of years ago they managed to calculate the length of the lunar moon as 329.53020 days, only 34 seconds out. The 13 -bakyan cycle of the Mayan long count calendar begins on August 11 3114BC and reaches 0 (or in the long count) on, you guessed it Dec 21 2012.

2. Winter Soloist

On the winter solstice of 2012, the noonday Sun exactly conjuncts the crossing point of the Sun’s ecliptic with the galactic plane. Whilst also crossing at the exact centre of our Galaxy. The scientific community agree that at the centre of every galaxy lies a black hole. Will our Sun get swallowed up by a black hole as it crosses the centre of our Galaxy in 2012? Only time will tell!

3.Sun Spots

Is this the quiet before the storm? The Sun’s activity has been at a minimum, it is in a period of relative stability. However, recent solar storms have been bombarding the Earth with so much radiation energy; it’s been knocking out power grids and destroying satellites. This activity is predicted to get worse, and calculations suggest it’ll reach its deadly peak sometime in 2012.
Or could the Sun’s relative inactivity simply be part of theMandour Minimum
, whereby the Sun is merely at the ebb of its 11-year cycle? The funny thing is if this were true, it means the Earth is approaching another Ice Age. So Global Warming believers need not worry

4.Hardron Collider
The LHC otherwise known as the atom smasher or finder of the God Particle is the world’s largest particle accelerator. It spans some 27km underground and when it ‘s fired up to run at full throttle in 2012, it will actually create mini-black holes right here on Earth in an effort to understand what happened right at the start of the Big Bang. Maybe the discovery of the God Particle should be the least of our worries. The scientists assure us that these black holes will only live for a fraction of a second.

5.Catastrophic Events long over due

The good folk at The Future Watch have compiled an excellent list detailing possible catastrophic events which could happen at any time. Events such as nanotech weapons, economic collapse, suicide by strangelet, alien attack – see Drake Equation, and many more factors just go to show how fragile the world really is.

6.Biblical Connotations
Interpretations of the Christian Bible reveal that the date for Armageddon, the final battle between Good an Evil, has been set down for 2012. The I Ching, also known as the Chinese book of Changes, says the same thing, as do various sections of the Hindu teachings.
Then we have the Christians, who believe in the second coming of Christ; the
Rapture Ready brigade.
You never know, one of us might be the change or the Second Coming of Christ!
Yet another Biblical prophecy was the so-called “mark of the beast’” without which men could not buy or sell; proposed computer chip implants, the ultimate convenience in a cashless society seem to fit this one pretty well, and can serve, at the very least, to track people if not to control them.
Perhaps the world won’t end in 2012, but instead the world will become one giant sheeple Borg hive society

7.Magnetic Pole Reversal.

We all know the Earth is surrounded by a magnetic field. This field shields us from most of the sun’s radiation. What you might not know is that the magnetic poles we call north and south have a nasty habit of swapping places every 750,000 years or so - and right now we’re about 30,000 years overdue.
Scientists have noted that the poles are drifting apart roughly 20-30kms each year, much faster than ever before, which points to a pole-shift being right around the corner. While the
pole shift is under way, the magnetic field is disrupted and will eventually disappear, sometimes for up to 100 years. The result is enough UV outdoors to crisp your skin in seconds, killing everything it touches.

8.Population Growth
A recent population growth explosion has occurred over the last few centuries. If the exponential growth continues at this rate, then 2012 will take the form of anarchy on a scale we can only dream of in our worst nightmares.

These are just some of the things that are out there to ponder..

In lamens terms, this is what is going to happen..

Umm...planet that supposedly is visible from the south pole right now but nobody else can see it will come sweeping by and

1. Cause a polar shift where the Earth will stop spinning for 3 days and there will be 300-400 mph winds which will kill everybody but those in their bunkers

2. It houses an alien race that will come down and cause problems

3. The gravitation forces of the planet coming close will cause the plates in the Earth to get all messed up an there will be oceans where there were mountains and vice versa

What else....lets see, it all has to do with the fact that the Mayan calendar supposedly ends on 2012 and other people like Nostradamus have said bad things will happen Solar flares are another one

.....right now the sun is super quiet and it is expected to be at its highest amount of radiation around 2012 and we will all be fried.....

An alien conspiracy that the government is listening to the group of aliens that formed the world and the Earth is only able to really be able to support x amount of people so the government will start to systematically start killing people to reduce the population and they are going to use the hype around 2012 to do it.....stuff like that.

That is what the hubs sent me when I asked him what was suppose to happen...

he is my go to guy 4 crazy things..

Also I had to write him back and ask him something else, because the people who believe all these things also believe there will be no election in November..

and now with super politician McCain suspending *choke choke* his campaign, it makes you wonder..

Oh ya...goes with the NWO (new world order) slant on things....everything that is going on has been planned by the aliens who really run the government (money issues weather etc etc etc)....

on the 14th of October there will be a alien craft that will be apparently in the sky's of the Midwest. They say they are only here to protect us and to help us to enlightenment against the other alien forces that are coming to not be so nice.....but it may just be the aliens who are in control of the government using mass hypnosis or chemicals to have us all believe it is there when it really is not so we all get lulled into a false understanding of things and want to come together as a planet...which will be when they come into power like they have have been planning.

So not only is our current government run by aliens, but they are going to protect us from the bad aliens.

All this my friends, on December 21, 2012..oh at 11:11pm.

Many of these things are already in place, and with the state of affairs as it is, it almost sounds plausible.

If your crazy.

Also there is a planet X..

Now this one makes me shit myself more then the others, because it has already been spotted, many many light years away I believe..

this is kinda what that all means.

They say it triggers earthquakes. That it rips open volcanoes, and unleashes massive tsunamis.

They say it can kick the Earth’s axis over, pushing Africa to the pole and Antarctica to the equator. It may even stop our planet from rotating! Or worse: peel the Earth’s crust off, tear our planet to bits.

Or perhaps it simply sweeps our world aside, pushing it into the Sun.

That’s the way it goes when suddenly, a HUGE planet zooms by.

They say.
The demon planet that is supposed to do the trick goes by many names.

Some call it Nibiru, or Marduk. Others named it The Ottawa Object, or Vulcan, or Transpluto. But most people prefer X, just X. `Planet X’, to be precise.

Planet X is the supposedly eleventh planet of our solar system.

It should be as big as many Earths, dwarfing it perhaps even hundreds of times.

Some people think X isn’t even a real planet, but a `brown dwarf’: a massive ball of dust and gas that almost succeeded in becoming a star.

Planet X has something no other planet has: a huge orbit. Its orbit around the Sun lasts 3,600 years. Most of the time, it is far off, invisible to the eye. But every 3,600 years, the lost planet returns. Once here, it accelerates, and swings close past the Sun, disrupting everything it encounters.

And that’s exactly what Planet X is about to do, they say. . It will be some event.

Within months, Planet X will reach the inner regions of the solar system, disturbing the eclipses of the planets and bombarding us with comets. In May, it will pass Earth, missing it only at a few hairs’ lengths. Or, well: hitting us at full force, perhaps

Is this enough to make you get a little drunk this weekend?

This is stuff I have been reading for months now.

Now I am not a believer, however, some of this crap really makes me scared shitless.

And of any of you out there have heard about this or maybe even believe it, I would love to hear your thoughts on it.

I in no way think this will happen, but I love hearing about it..

So with that, have a freakin awesome weekend..


Drink something good.

Cause if you actually look any of this stuff up, your gonna have sleepless nights, consume mad amounts of liquor and start collecting cats..

cause thats what crazy people do.

and this is NOT because I have chili peppers, I wont be letting anyone blame this on my peppers.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

I'll be loving you.....

Yesterday I get an email from the chairperson at the political center I volunteer at. I have offered to help with signs and trying to register new voters.

Just doin my part....

anyhoo, I was asked if I wanted to help out at an upcoming event. Me?..sure..

what is it?

Oh, a little event that Obama and Al Gore will be attending...with special guest...

Bill Clinton...


I think my thong got a tad damp just typing that...

Its next month, they wont even give the date or the details, just in case it gets breached by bloggers who have happy fingers and cant keep secerts.


nuf said..

Anyway, today has been a bad day. Have you ever had a bad day?


damn, your lucky and God loves you better..

It started out by me finding an odd looking wormy thing on my kitchen floor this morning, by the grace of God I did not step on it in my bare feet..

Thank you my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ..


So I had the hubs pick it up and take it out of doors and he says..

boy its a juicy one..

damnit, why do u go and say shit like that?

He thinks it came from my peppers...

ya no the ones I bought in New Mexico?..

Every damn probelem is blamed on my peppers. Remeber the stock crash last week..yup, my peppers.

The train crash last week when the guy was texting instead of watching the track...yup, my peppers..

bugs and odd insects invaded my home...yup..MY peppers.

I have noticed over the last couple days that the peppers have been frequented by flies.

So I let the hubs discard it into the out door trash unit.

When he picked the peppers up, nothing but fruit flies and house flies came swooshing outta the bitch.

So there went one group of my peppers...sonofabitch.

Later in the afternoon I took my boo and mother out 4 lunch. I ordered a club sandwich..I love those damn things..

I get it, and I think it kinda smells funny, but seeing I'm so hungry, I take a bite anyway.

It tasted funny...but when your hungry you let things slide.

I took two more bites, and then made my mother take a bite, cause thats what u..u force your tainted food on someone else..

My mom agreed it was gross. I told the waitress that I think the lettuce is bad and to take it away..

They made me a new one, with the same fucking tainted lettuce on it.

Why did they think putting the poisoness lettuce on new bread would take the rotten outta it.

So I say...well, all u did was make me the same shit, I told u the lettuce was bad, and u guys put the rotten lettuce back on..

DOes that make sense to you?

She asked if I wanted something else.

I told her no thank you...u have done enough..

So I'm thinking my small intestine will start protruding out the anus and the large intestine will be bulging out the esophagus.

I may start bleeding rectally and may start vomiting green stuff..and I'm not looking forward to that.

I fear I may be a statistic on the nightly news next week.

And that is not a good feeling.

Then as I am walking outta the restaurant, I go to the paper stand to buy a paper because my Boo was on the front cover and I wanted some copies to send to my dad and granny.

I put 4 quarters in and the bitch wont open.

U have GOT to be kidding me.

I get no lunch, I get no fuckin paper.

I dig out more coins, and think to myself

self, if it opens this time, I'm cleaning the damn thing out...every last paper will be mine.

so I try and open it, and BAM, she opens..

and there were only two papers left..damnit..

So I took them, since well, I did pay for them.

I get home and check my mail, and my blogger pal Gette sent me something very cute..

Its my very own Troy Bolton necklace...

*giggles with glee*

Then the 5 year old ran off with it...

I got it back from her tiny grubby 5 year old hands, she told me I'm too old to have a necklace with zac efron on it.

I asked her how old did she think I was.

she said 18...

So things are looking up...

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

comfortably Numb

Just when I think I have seen it all, something comes along and hits me right between my contact lenses.. My vision is for shit because I am to busy to go get new lenses and glasses...

But even having vision like a bat or a opossum, I still saw this bright and clear.

Now I don't know about you good folks, but when I am feeling chilly or hell down right cold, a blanket, a sweater or heck both seem to do the trick just right..

Now I have never thought to myself as I am curled up in a blanket laying my ass on my sofa that somehow the blanket could be improved upon..Or that it was somehow not sufficient.

I mean if you have a phobia of blanket, I understand, just put on a sweater..or something I wear all cold season long..a hoodie..

I love the hoodie..I don't wear the hood on said hoodie, but I get enjoyment just knowing the bitch is there, just in case..

But the other night I saw something that made me really think about how gullible Americans must be.

Look at what I am referring too..

This here is called The Snuggie. Its a blanket with sleeves...That you...get this..


holyfucktards, you have GOT to be kidding me.

And look, it comes in an array of colors..




ok, just three, but still....

Now I ask the makers this..

What the hell is the difference between this and a bathrobe?

In the commercial it shows a bunch of asshats at a sporting event outside wearing these hitonious things..

They look like a bunch of mental cases.

I mean I don't condone wearing your bathrobe to a ball game in the fall, but I do however recommend a fucking jacket.

Just when I think things cant get any worse...just when i think I have seen it all, BAM someone out does themselves..

And it makes me chuckle..

the snuggie, when using a blanket or a sweater is just not cool enough...

use our snuggie at outdoor sports your tots play in, it is a sure fire way to make sure they will never have a girlfriend or boyfriend..it may keep teen knock ups down..

snuggie, when you just wanna look like an asshole.

I should really charge for the free publicity I am offering.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

somebody's watching me

I know this GUY....and he worked for the government for many many years. And the fact that I'm telling you this means they will not only kill me, but also kill you for reading it..so Godspeed.

Anyway, he was telling me how the government records 4 out of every 5 phone calls made from land lines in this country..

And they recorded nearly every cell phone call made...

This made me nearly poo in my pants because if anyone ever listened to half the conversations I carry on the phone, it would be pretty fuckin comical.

Here is a snippet from my last call to my granny..

whatcha doing?

oh, just trying to figure out my new blood sugar meter, when you got the diabetes you gotta keep track of that kinda shit..

ok, granny doesn't use the word shit or talk like that period...just wanted to spice it up a bit..

oh, that sounds pretty boring...

yup, hows the weather there?

oh, its been very hot, the leaves are not even changing yet?

Let me go look at my thermometer on the porch and see what the temp is here, gosh its only 63, but its in the shade so it might be 65...

well granny I better go the kids will be home soon..

see, if this is the kinda shit they are listening too, I kinda feel bad for them. Who wants to eavesdrop on a phone call and here about diabetic testing supplies or what the weather is like in Sandtown Michigan?

So I have been trying to make my calls on my home phone a little more interesting..

I don't get many calls on my land line, the kids do...and those outta be interesting..

here is a snippet from Blondie talking..

hi blondie, do u wanna come over and play?


Why not?

Because I don't really like playing with you very much.

my kid gets right to the point, I'm sure the government appreciates that in a 8 year old gal...she doesn't pussy foot around..

So I have devised my own language. I made it up myself...

I am sure all of you know how to speak Pig Latin, and if u don't, thats just wrong..

I'm sure all the high ranking government officials know Pig Latin, so its a moot point to try and pull one over on them with that.

So Pale Girl and I have made up a laungue, and we are going to use it soon...

We need to work out all the kinks, its still in the trial process..

We figure if we use it enough, we should have some sort of secret Service agent at our door within weeks.

Then when they come and question us in a padded cell with snipers aiming at us, demanding us to translate what we are saying...I am going to tell them to mind their own beeswax cause I sure as shit didn't call them...and that's what you fuckers get for eavesdropping...

My next idea was to pretend I had a phone sex line...That would put a knot in their knickers thinking im getting paid to give this phone sex, and yet was not paying taxes on my revenue...

I think they would enjoy that though..I mean its got to be hell sitting in a room all day listening to conversations about diabetic supplies, cheating spouses, recipe exchanges, tweens talking to their pals for endless hours at a time about how dreamy the new kid is.

You have to feel for them in that respect.

My phone sex line will be for their benefit...

It will be as if I am performing a community service for them...

I'm all about doing my part...I try to help out where I can...

Hell, I don't mind getting my hands dirty in the volunteering community. Hell, there may come a time when I need help and need a hand out of some kind..

I have always liked giving back...

Hell I have adopted pets outta the pound and human society before...

I have donated canned goods to food pantry uptown before..

I have even paid to have a stray cat fixed when it kept breeding and having kittens in my backyard ,back in Michigan..

It wasn't my cat...but damnit, she would find her way to my shed and use it as a free birthing center about twice a year...

So I set a trap, caught her and gave her some permanent birth control.

The bitch never even thanked me.

But sometimes when you do a good deed, you don't get recognition for it, thats just the roll of the dice...

With my phone sex line though, just knowing the guys in suits are getting pleasure is enough thanks for me...

When they want to start coming in on their days off, just to do their part in keeping them damn terroristoff all Americans land lines...he is just doing it for the good of the nation, and I know that..

So thats why I'm going to make his stay trapped in a dark room with thousands of calls going on at a time a little more enjoyable..

I'm all about helping out..

But the fact they found this post and got my IP address now, and now know my name and phone number and the last time I had my period it is gonna put a big damper on my ideas. I think I have just foiled my own plans..

But I might just do the phone sex just for the hell of it...

I know plenty of folks who would appreciate that...

And like I said, I'm just here working for the good of the people..

I'm a people pleaser...

Thursday, September 18, 2008

who let the dogs out

I am the sorta gal whom cooks a nice meal every night...

ok, not every night, sometimes it does suck and I'm willing to admit this.

I don't enjoy cooking at all, but if I don't, those poor tots would go to school telling all their pals on the playground that the only time they eat a meal is at school..

And they don't even eat hot lunch at school cause holy shit, I also pack their damn lunches everyday, cause well, thats what good moms do..

Anyway, back to my story....

I got chicken out the other night to make well, chicken..

I thawed the breasts out..

ok u pervs, i said breast, go ahead and make your boob jokes now..

At this point is when I think I may or may not of poisoned us all..

Ya see, while at The Boys football practise that very night, I got a feeling in my stomach that was not good.

I just wanted to rip off my trousers and run...dig a hole and then bury it like a kitten..

I honestly felt like my intestines were going to protrude out my anus...and that is not a good feeling.

I get home and I start undoing my shorts even b4 I get in the house...I walk in the door and run like hell to the bathroom.

I get there to find Boo sitting on the crapper with her intestines protruding out her anus too.

Now I have 3 bathrooms, so i run to the other one..

BAM, Blondie is in it.....I guess her anus is suffering as well..

So I go to bathroom three...

Its empty...thank you my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ...

I sit down, and all hell breaks loose outta my bottom end..

Then I realize I have no toilet paper..

I'm in the basement yelling..

hey, someone, anyone, I need some TP for my bunghole...anyone?

No one heeds to my calls...

I sit there for about ten minutes wondering how I'm going to get outta this situation.

My dog comes running to my aide.

I think to myself..

self, u have watched Lassie, Lassie can do shit, I bet Lassie could get u some TP...

So I tell my dog to go get daddy...

She just lays there...

I then throw the empty roll of tp at her and tell her go get me some toilet paper or I'm gonna kick her.

Now what I am about to tell you is going to make some of you believers, and some of you are going to think I'm talkin outta my ass..

My dog walked into the laundry room and brought me a roll of my finest Charmin.


I am thinking of doing a re-enactment and sending to the most amazing pets..

Sure some dogs can call 911, but how many dogs can go retrieve the Charmin?

not many....

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

secert lovers

I had this dream one night.

I was frolicking in a creek.

I tend to navigate toward bodies of water...

I like to be wet.

...I mighta been nude, but I cant say for sure..

There was a bear... a big one.

But I was not alone.

I mean I would not normally go to a nude creek all on my own..damn bitches..I'm not some floosey or some sort of trollop...damn people.

The water was luke warm, the waterfall was small and the sound was enough to relax you..even with a bear.

The bear was fishing. I think he spoke English as well, cause I think he told me I had a nice rack. I thought he must of been talking to a deer or hell a moose, I didn't know..

But he was talking to me..

I told him thanks.

What else are you going to say?...You cant smart talk with a bear.

I had a nice time at the creek. I was wearing my black flip flops..those are my best pair.

But I was nekkid other then that.

I think the talk of seeing High School Musical 3 had been well embedded in my mind, because I was frolicking nude with Zac Efron..

Don't be haten on me tween girls, he likes a woman with some cleavage and that can show him a thing or two...

and I did..let me tell u...

His body was soft, yet firm...He smelled like he had ran a couple miles. Ya no, the scent of a man...not a foul BO you get from your hubs after mowing the lawn, rather the scent of a line backer after a rip roaring game of basketball..or whatever.

His hair was beaded with sweat, his brow was glistening.

He took me in his arms and well....

This is a PG/PG-13 rated blog, not some kinda trompy triple X so im stopping there..

The bear was fishing still...but he wouldn't stop looking at us...

I wasn't sure if maybe he knew Mr. Efron or if he was a fan of High School Musical..I didn't know..

Then outta nowhere the bear ran quickly....

You know that song..

i saw a bear, in tennis shoes, a big bad bear oh way up there..blah blah blah...

whatever, I don't remember the logistic's of the song...

anyway, he was indeed wearing shoes..

He ran up to us, took Zac's rock hard body and took a nice bite and tossed him onto shallow rocks as if he were a rag doll...

Why do my sex dreams always end up with someone dying?

I still woke up with a smile on my face.

It was a good dream ...

I'm just sayin..

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

video killed the radio star

Ever since I was a young lassie, living on the mean streets of small town, Michigan, I always fancied me as a radio lovin tree hugger. I would listen to it day in and day out. I would fall asleep listening to it, wake up listening to it. It was something I just had to have or I would go insane.

So when I tell you guys I did lots of activities to music, I ain't lying...

I could never find a station that suited my needs as I do have very exquisite taste I'm a music contasour if u will, the first couple songs would kick ass, but then it would all go down hill from there..I was always changing the station looking for a song that didn't make me want to vomit.

Because I don't like to vomit.

I would often find myself nearly getting in car wrecks whilst changing the station to something that could possibly play a decent song, maybe at least 3 good ones in a row rather then one..

Then about 5 years ago I decided to go satellite...I had heard all these raving kick ass stories about how flaming awesome satellite radio is.

And me, being a trend setter and all, I needed this..like yesterday.

Now at the time there were XM and Sirius...I could not make up my mind, so I got both..

yes yes, u may think its overboard, but truly its not, so shut up.

I wanted to find a station that suited my musical needs. No commercials, no annoying disc jockeys..I hate disc jockeys, I'm just gonna go out and say it..

On XM I listen to channel 49...its called Big Tracks...I like it OK...but it gets a bit repetitive..

nothing pisses me off more then the repeat of something...there are thousnads of kick ass rock and roll songs, but XM only thinks there is 5..and Van Halen sing 3 and The POlice sing the last two.

On Sirius I listen to channel 15, Classic Rewind.

Now I must say I like XM better because the station I love has no damn DJ..I already stated how I hate the DJ..

On my trip across MN, South Dakota, Iowa, Nebraska, Kansas, Missouri, Oklahoma, Texas and New Mexico...I got to listen to this station non stop..

You might think that would be a good thing...but after the 3rd straight hour you hear the same shit over and over..

Now I know I have my preferences but in general I love all the rock of the 70's and 80's..as a general rule anyway.

I swear to God on my trip I heard Van HAlen about once an hour..along with U2, John mellencamp, The Police and Rush...

over and over and over and over and over....

u get the point..

I heard Bon Jovi maybe 5 times the whole journey...Def Leppard maybe twice..

It was starting to tick me off because I didn't even bring a single CD's with me.

After a while I would get so fuckin tired of Van Halen, mostly because I think they suck..that I would turn it to the all 80's channel..

The second I put it on there, I realized why I don't like it..

I start out with something by the B-52's...enough to make u puke, but not quite there..Then its something by the Boss, ohh, u gotta love the Boss...baby i was born to run..bitches..

Then the next song..BAM, like a bat outta hell..

Van Halen..

sonofabitch u have GOT to be kidding me. This is some hoax they are playing on me, and it ain't a funny one..

So I change it straight away.

Now the reason I have the XM and NOT the Sirius on this journey is because my car was made with an XM radio, so its already there...I don't need the little adapter..

And I tend to like the XM radio better..until this trip.

So I change the station and there is a Police song...Gawd how I fuckin hate The Police..and BAM, like a bat outta hell there is another Goddamn Van Halen song.

So I shut it off and I travel in silence for a while..

but the the silence makes me wanna start kicking puppies and planning out some sort of corporate takeover at Walmart..

it was just going nowhere real fast...

So, after about 10 minutes or so of quiet time, my mom turned the radio back on..

and BAM its Billy Idol..

WHOA, I love Billy Idol..

I thanked God for making it something that didn't suck..

Thank you God for making it something that didn't suck, I owe you big fuckin time..

Next song, go ahead and say it...yup, mother truckin Van Halen..

Oh how I hate Van Halen..

as if I did not establish that already, but for good measure I will keep telling u this..

After the first day of driving, we head out again, turn on the radio, good ole channel 49...Its about 4am, cause I like getting early starts..thats how I roll.

Everything starts out OK, because the song that was on when I turned the car on was def Leppard..I think to myself..

self, today might not be that bad...its gonna be a good day..

that all went out the window and under my tires as the next song was something by The Police. Oh how I loath the police...not a one of their songs makes any goll damn sense...go ahead, go listen to a Police song..I will wait...





You done?...see what I mean?

Ya...so anyway, that kinda set the tone for the day, at that point in time we kept track of how many times we heard Van Halen and The Police.

In my 16 hour drive...on day two, by the time I got to Amarillo Texas at 930 pm, where I stopped for the night...

this was the tally

Van Halen 14

The Police 10

that isn't counting the times I heard then before I started counting...cause we talked about doing it, before we actually did it..

Now normally when I have my radio on, while I am putzing around the house cleaning and bagging up dead bodies...You don't normally notice the repeat of songs..cause your not listening to the radio 16 hours straight, more like an hour or so...

This continued our journey home..we counted all the Van Halen and The Police songs we heard in our two day venture home..

Your gonna shit yourself..

Van Halen


The Police


See, this is some sort of a conspiracy...I know it is...

I get home and I vow to not ever listen to XM again...

So I turn on Sirius..

and the DJ's on there make me wanna do naughty things to innocent people..and not a good naughty either..

So now I am back to XM....listening to fucking Van Halen and The Police more then any human should ever have to..

I'm thinking of writing a strongly worded letter to the assholes who run XM CHannel 49..I am thankful there is no DJ to shitty it up even more, but I would almost rather have a whiny DJ who thinks they are Gods gift to funny and rock and roll DJing..

when in fact they are over weight douche bags who still live with momma.in the basement...

So the people who run XM, if your out there...please heed to my calls...

Put more in your rotation then sucky Van Halen and The Police...

I don't know if you have a monkey there spinning tunes for you, but they need to take their Van Halen CD's and gets a steppin...

I would do a much better job at running that channel...

I don't work holidays, weekends, evenings, early morning, or mid day..

but any days other then that..give me a call and we will get your station back on its feet again..

I am only here to help...cause im a rocker, not a fighter..

Thats how I roll..

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Wake me up b4 u go go

When it comes to good dental hygiene, I am the first to admit that if your missing a tooth, I will make jokes about you in my head...to myself...

I think that God gave you the gift of enamel and if you don't take care of it, your a douche bag...A big toothless douche bag..

I take pride in the fact my tots have not yet had any cavities...I am what you may call the tooth Nazi in my house. When I know my tots have brushed, I make them go and RE brush...just in case they missed something.

I myself brush mine at least 4 times per day....on average. Some days, it tis more..I admit it.

I don't like the feel of a dirty mouth, I like to have a mouth that is ready to be, um, tongued at any moment..

Nothing takes the crisp, tender moment of a good tonguing then breath that smells like sewer rats.

Thats not cool...Not on any level..

I do however have one weakness in the dental hygiene field...Its not something I am proud of, and the first step in taking care of an issue, is admitting you have one..

I hate to floss. I have a good excuse. I like to dig in there and get every crevice totally bloody and raw. I will literally floss until its bleeding, because I'm sure I left something behind..Ya no, maybe a piece of corn. Corn can be sneaky fuckers. It hides there in the crevice between each tooth. Just waiting to rot and turn into a bloody cavity.

So a couple years ago, I vowed to stop flossing. I couldn't take the torture.

I now have a schedule. I floss on odd days, on the odd weeks..

SHUT UP, its my schedule..

have you ever noticed that when you floss your teeth after you have not done it for a while it kinda smells like rotting flesh?

Try it...don't floss for week, then have at it...the smell on your floss will reek havoc on your internal smelling system...and you may or maynot vomit in your mouth..

It smells like decaying flesh with bits of sardine urine mixed in for good measure.

I am not advocating that you stop flossing all together, because hell, that aint good for the country, the world, or hell your spouse.

All I am saying is skip a couple days, then floss and smell it...You wont even need to put your nose to the floss, the smell will linger that way all on its own..You will at first wonder if your dog farted..

Then you will realize you don't even have a dog..

I'm just sayin..


There is a commercial I see daily that bugs the shit outta me..

Its a commercial about getting kids to get up and play...an hour a day..

In this ad it tells you to go to a website to get ideas on activities to do outside..but it also says..but don't stay too long...

What happen to the days when kids didn't need the Internet to get ideas on how to play outside?

When I was a kid, there was no Internet.. i know...and we had no VCR's either..bitches..damn

I did not need any ideas on games to play. Want to know why? Because I'm not a retard. Never was...

I knew when I went outside I was either going to ride my bike, play freeze tag, statues, red rover, or climb a fuckin tree..

Chase boys, walk to the park, go find a kid and kick their ass, walk to the party store and get one of the hush puppie slushies, go swimming in my pool, make whoppie in said pool..ok, i don't recommend that one for everyone...., sneak outta the house at midnight and WALK to my boyfriends house and make whoppie,again, your gonna want to customize your list...this isn't fit for everyone..

My point is, don't make kids seem stupid. A kid is born with the genes to play. Its embedded in them like chasing skirt is embedded into most men..or like finding men with nice teeth and good jobs is embedded in us females..its human nature.

When a baby is born, they are born with the ability to suck..Wanna know why?..its a survival instinct.

Same goes when they get older. When a baby learns to walk, it knows where all the fun shit is that he is not suppose to touch...

thats their first run in with playing...its a game..They touch it, mom moves it, the baby finds another way to get to it, and this time knocks it down and breaks it.

Baby gets a good laugh then poops himself and goes to sleep.

Ya see, kids know what to do..

and if a parent needs to go online to get ideas for shit to have the tots do outside, then my Lord above, you need a good ass kicking..

Give them a ball..EVER hear of a ball?

Golldang it...

You give kids a ball and they will play for weeks.

I just can not stand hearing commercails to try and entice your tots to play outside.

It just puts me in a bad mood.

No wonder there are so many fat kids...if they don't know how to play outside, what do u expect?

My kids look like underfed third world children compared to their friends...Wanna know why?

Because I don't allow them to sit in front of the tv and eat..

And they don't want to..my kids KNOW what to do when I send them outside.

They sit on the porch and whine about it being too hot outside..how bored they are, how they have no one to play with..

So I send them inside to go on the Internet to find something fun to do outside..

because I'm just tapped...