Wednesday, December 27, 2006

ce'la vie

Well the time has come.

Starting next week, I am leaving for a while. I wont be blogging this whole time. I am starting my LOA now , because the dreaded FIL is fast approaching and I need to prepare for this event. I don't like preparing for anything..EVER.

I am going to be busy, I am going to be lazy..All wrapped into one lil bundle.

I will leave you with a bit of advice...Don't question things you don't understand or know anything about...When u assume it only makes as ASS out of U...I will leave it there.

I plan on partying hard to bring in the new year. I hope you all do the same. You all deserve a good party and drunkard after all...

Then, I am leaving, on jet plane...Well...It sounds good anyway.

I have no idea when or if I will be back, but I have been trying to prepare you for said event...I have told you this time was coming. You didn't believe me..But look, its here now..Don't u feel silly for thinking Ole Bossy could not do it. That there was no way I could give up the trusted ole blog...Well the time has come to show you..I am.

So here I am NOT blogging...Look at me, aren't u proud of me?

So don't question things u really don't know anything about, and don't let your dog eat shit loads of chocolate unless u want him/her to die.

Just bits of advice from me to you..

take care all...Its been real, its been fun, but it hasn't been real fun.

just kidding of course.

Ok, my time is up for now...I have things to do, toilets to clean and messes to make.

With the deepest asskicking love,
bossy britches

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

land of Confusion

Well the dreaded Christmas Day has came and went. I can honestly say I am glad. I was not into it whatsoever cuz I am a grinch who will more then likely spend my eternity in a very Christmas like state with garland, egg nog and misltoe type of hell.

I will give u a run down of the shit I got...Not that u care, but something funny/horrid happened. This kinda shit only happens to me.

See Mr Shaky and I agreed to not by eachother anything, cuz we don't need anything, I would rather buy lots of stuff for my horrid wretched spawns.

But me, going against all rules bought him something anyway. Cuz I am a rulebreaker that way..

I got him XM radio. I got him that cause I like that kinda shit...I mean he likes that kind shit.

Well the night before Christmas I went on a mad hunt for Pat. I knew he/she had to be somewhere. And on the holiest of days the greatest miracle took place. A light shown from above, and it lead me right to Pat..There she/he was..The battery was dead, but she/he was no worse for the wear.

Well, Mr shaky had bought me a new Ipod, cuz, well, like he says "I cant take care of crap so he bought me a new one...

So I wrecked my own damn Christmas. I gave him the Ipod he purchased for myself. So he got two cool gifts. Me, well, I guess I am kicking my own ass for ONE losing my Ipod and TWO finding it.

but I did get new weight bench, a leather jacket, perfume, and some gift cards to my best stores I like.

but I am still stewing over the damn Ipod mishap.

This was the tree Christmas Eve, just after that jolly ole man landed his fat ass in my yard..

Man, that is one sorry ass looking tree...The blue gifts are Blondies, the white and red are Boos, and the green there in the back are Butchs...As u can see, it is not an even disbursement..Never is..

here are my hooligans..

Yes Blondie is wearing boys jammies and boo is shirt-less..What are u gonna do about it?

Here is Blondie, her and I made cookies for Santa...

Here is the final product. She decorated most of them...She is pretty good..

Boo got a case of dress up clothes from Santa, this is her trying some of them on..

I cant tell if she looks like a street walker or a gypsy...U decide.

Here is that God forsaked doll I spent the farm on....I hate this doll. Blondie is way to over involved with this thing..She wont let us talk while she is napping..And she now is potty training her so she don't have to spend money on buying more diapers..Baby is not even a day old and cant shit in its own diaper anymore. I am hoping this is good birth control for her..She is already not wanting to spend money on diapers. This is a good sign I think.


This is Boo...She tried staying up for Santa, but crashed early...And was up repeatedly in the night..Once cuz she wet her bed..Wanna know why? Because I wanted to shut her up and let her drink before she went to bed..Cause I am a good mom that way..

And this is Mr Shaky...He was modeling Boo's earrings from her dress up set..

And this was before we broke out the Jesus Juice people...See this is what I live with..On.a.daily.basis.

By the days end Butch had stated this was the worst Christmas ever. Then Blonide wrote a book and it said

" Blondies book"

" I got a baby alive for Christmas"

"and this was the worst Christmas ever"

I asked her why it was the worst Christmas.

her response is nothing more then a typical brat who needs to be sent to the gas chamber.

"well, I only got a few toys, and those tinker toys I wanted are kind of stupid and boring."

Yup, she opens 20 gifts, all toys, and books and some clothes, yet her Christmas was shitty.

My job here is done. It is officially a Bossy Christmas, when ya get all the kids crying and threaten to bust all their crap cause they keep complaining..

Ho Ho Ho..

Bee Real

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Time after time

Nothing says Happy Christmas like a some good pirate photos. This is Boo being a pirate.

Not sure what Butch was doing, I think he just wanted his mug shot taken...

Here she is screaming " shiver me timbers"

as she is swaying her hair about.....

This is her with her telescope, looking for her boat..She may be a retard, but she is a retard with an imagination.

oh and that's my dog in the corner...The one who had shit caked on her ass cause I am a really bad mom and dog owner..Long haired fancy canines need proper grooming every 6 weeks..Right Cliff?...He knows...When u don't groom them, the hair around their bung holes catches their poop when they go, then you have to bathe them, cut the hair around their anus, and call it good....

My Butch made this...He may not be much into sports, but he is a crafty lil bastard..

Ok, I am off..

My secret mission starts NOW.

c-ya in the funny papers.

Bee Real

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Um, yeah...So..

I am very important. You may not know this. But maybe u do, I don't know.

My importance is driving me away for a bit. I need to go kick some asses where asses need to be kicked. Its a long story, not worthy of the time it would take to type it. Just no, I am not who I seem, nor are you who u seem. Does it make sense?..Nope?..Didn't think so.

I wish I could say more, but I cant..Or I would have to kill you and your young..And I aint much into killin..Anymore...

ok, that's a joke...

that's what I do, I write jokes...But that was not a good one..

moving on...

I am not well..Not well at all.

My head is pounding, my stomach wants to spew liquid stuff out my anus..

why? cuz I had an egg nog milkshake. Now I cant do my pants up..

so anyway,

I will leave you with a top ten list....I should be good at this after all...Um yeah...Ok

top ten reason why I suck ass

10. My dog has shit caked to her ass and I just look her and tell her where the tp is.

9. I told my three year old Santa is dying.

8. Also told same 3 year that she cant marry God.

7. The thought of kicking a puppy right now, has me filled with glee

6. I plan on voting for Hillary Clinton should she run on 08

5. I bought it takes a village 10 years ago

4. I have vivid sex dreams about the blue wiggle and Oprah

3. I told Mr shaky should he ever die, I am not telling his mom where I move to.

2. I told the kids the same thing....They cried. I enjoyed it.

and the number one reason I am a dumbass...

1. cuz I said so....

yea well, that's it for me for now..I am busy rest of week, with crap u wouldn't wanna hear about. Then its gonna be Christmas...Then my FIL is coming..The bastard never brings my kids gifts. His idea of a gift is a 20 dollar savings bond that will mature sometime when the kids hit social security age...Man I hate him...

And he will be in my house...Good thing I don't plan on being here much for that...Another new years goal is to stop being a bitch to everyone..

I don't know why...Its just a goal...But man I do hate him...For many reasons..The gift thing just pisses me off.

Hope Santa is good to all of you.. and if your, hope you dont get crappy gifts for 8 straight days..and I think karin is my only Jew friend hope u get some kick ass shit for Hanukkah girl

Bee Real

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Tear it down

Well, it is down to the wire. Not sure how many days are left in Hanaka, but I dont even have a menroa or a draddle, so I am not a good Jew either. Bad Christian and an even worse JEw. I mean at least I do have the damn tree up. Killing a tree just so it can shed all over my damn floor. What hoilday bliss.

Tonight begins my wrapping extravganza. I start out good, top speed, nice neat folded corners. I can wrap the most ackward of packages. After the 3rd or 4th gift, it kinda looks like a blind fetus wapped it. By the time I get to the last gift, I dont even care if I have enough paper to cover the whole enitre gift..Thats the joy of being me, I dont give a rats ass if your gift is wrapped all the way, you just better be thanking God on your knees that you got something.

I hate Christmas.

I kinda hate Hananka too.

Im a holiday hater I suppose.

Friday is my dreaded holiday party in Blondies first grade class. I still am unsure what I bring. Her teacher called me last night, but I was working. I hate not knowing what am I suppose to do. I hate being in charge of anything. Putting me in charge of anything is a drastic oversight on anyones behave. This will teach them though I suppose. I was going to make some cookies, but unsure if I can...sometimes you cant bring in homemade things becuase holy shit i might put out of date eggs in it, or even some arsnic or something..


I need to find a job where I dont have to do any work, but still collect a paycheck. I am thinking my big idea to live on welfare is not going to pan out. Mr Shaky informed me that his income is much to high for me to apply for foodstamps and a state endorced credit card. All I want is welfare. Thats all. Is that to much to ask? I see women flipping out thier welfare cards all the time at the store. Able bodied laides with a brood of unclean chitlins. I want to be the stinky lady with unkept kids getting free shit. it is starting to eat away at me. I told Mr Shaky I may need to divroce him in order to live out my dream. He told me good luck. Then informed me that once the divorce is final, he wants free cheese from me. I told him thats fine, but he may need to pay me alimony under the tbale to suplemnt my drinking and my tattooing...Oh and my 1000 dollar concert tickets, my hair being cut and groomed ever so lovley, my nice clothes, the cat food for my dog, take out money so I can feed my kids Mcdonalds once a week, and a manny to take care of the kids while I have some alone time...or non kid time...or mommy time...and a good looking manny too, i need to see head shots before they are hired.

He told me I might as well just stayed married. I get all that stuff for free as it is. Welfare will come in good time.

That is a goal we can try and reach toghter..To not work, yet reicve compinsation for doing nothing..

Or win the lotto, makes no never mind to me I suppose. Although that would kinda of take away my theroy of "sticking it to the goverment"....I have been paying them all these years, and I just want them to pay it forward, thats all.

Boo just told me when she gets married and moves, she is going to move closer to where God is.

I hope she dont end up being a nun...First I will be married to a damn preacher, then a nun for a daughter...where the hell did I go wrong people?...Do U know me?..damnit.

Bee Real

my spell check aint suck it....

Monday, December 18, 2006

Shook me all night long

So Saturday we did our so non Christian thing and took the girl bees to see the ever popular Santa Clause. Or poor fat man with high cholerstol and B.O. as I call him. Or the over-weight gentleman who gets all the credit and the glory for getting our kids all the good shit on Christmas Day.

So they go see Santa, or Satan...However you look at it...Ok when I see "we" I mean Mr Shaky did..

I did not partake in this years event. No other reason then I did not want to. Plain and simple.

But now that my Boo Bee has went to see him, I have all sorts of power over her. All I have to do is tell her " if u don't eat your dinner, momma is gonna call Santa and tell him your a bad girl and that he does not need to bring u anything"

then she screams.

its really a good plan. Before when I would use the Santa threat, it kinda went over her head, but now that she has seen him, in the flesh, it all works and makes sense to her now. And this is good for many reasons. I know she is only 3, and a retard,but hell, it is so much fun.

I told her last night that Santa is watching, so she better be a good girl, or he wont bring her any presents. Then she asked me what window he looks in. I told her all of them. So she went from window to window looking for him, so he could see she was being good.

I told her he was invisible. She is a retard so she had no idea what that meant. I told her he is magical. She asked if he had wand.

Why do kids make it so difficult to lie to them? Since when did kids become smart asses at 3?

She then took the phone and told me SHE was calling Santa on ME. I told her she did not have his number. She then got out the phone book.

When I questioned her about what she was telling on me for, she said it was a "secwet"

Oh, its a secret huh? Well Santa does not like it when people tell him other peoples secrets..cuz that means your a bad girl and Santa knows he cant trust u anymore..So u go ahead and call him.

she looks puzzled.

I again am in the lead. She will not call Santa on me. She can not use my one and only power.

so she tells me she is going to tell God. She is going to tell God that I am going to tell Santa on her.

I told her " you go right ahead. I don't think God and Santa are friends"

Then she said that God was her frwend and that God makes her smart and cute. And God loves her.

I told her that God can also see when your a bad girl. So she tells me that she is not a bad girl cuz God says so.

Shit...If God is talking to her, I best be on my best behavior, cuz holy shit, I do plan on dying one day, and when me and God meet, I don't want him telling me I was mean to my Boo.

This girl has God on her side, and I, have Santa. Things are not looking good for me.

How did I become a loser in the battle between mom, God and Santa? God is always gonna win. That's the way it goes. Santa gets an unfair count against him. Santa has no power. Santa does not ultimately decide your fate. All Santa does is break into houses, steal cookies and a drink, and litter your house with wrappings that will later be so piled high u wont be able to walk thru your living room. He works once a year, bringing false hope to moms like me. Moms like me need the power of Santa to keep ingrate kids in line. The power of Santa use to be a brighter star in our solar system. But hell, look what they did to Pluto, kicked his ass right out of there.

I am not sure what to make of this whole mess.

Boo thinks that just because she sat on the fat mans lap that she has some sort of pull with him. Like she has met some kind of celebrity.

I hate Santa.

Now she is throwing God in my face, "her and God are friends, and I got no friends, and my life sucks ass, and Santa isn't gonna get my sinning soul to heaven and I will be the one looking a fool when I am concentrating on Santa when she is friends with The Big Guy,,"..blah blah blah

This is why I shoulda just had a gold fish bowl. I shoulda been a fish breeder instead of a human breeder. Wanna know why? Cuz I suck ass at being a mom. Instead of telling my kids to be good because they need to impress God and Jesus, I am telling them they need to impress Santa, the Easter bunny and the tooth fairy.

I prefer it this way.

I will be glad when this damn holiday is over. I can not believe the mess we have made of Christmas.To save me some money, I should only buy Jesus a present. I mean, why am I buying shit for other people, when they have nothing to do with the reason we buy stuff. What do my kids getting the "it" toys have to do with Christmas? What does me spending about 1500 on gifts for my kids have to do with Jesus? Someone tell me.

I coulda bought myself something mighty good with all the money I have spent. I like stuff. I like stuff when its mine best of all.

I hate Christmas.

And what does an ugly ass tree in my house dropping needles onto my floor and needing constant water have to do with Jesus?

What does Christmas lights on the outside of my house running up my bill and somehow causing the Earth to implode on itself in one million years have to do with Jesus?

Man, Mick Jagger is one ugly son of a bitch aint he?

sorry I got side tracked...I am watching vh-1 classic...Man, he is a dog...A woofer..

ok, moving on..

Anyway, I forget what my whole point was...

doesn't even really matter, as it had nothing really to do with Jesus I am assuming.

On a side note, this week at blondies school is the holiday party I am in charge of. I have not got a note from the teacher as to what my roll is going to be in said party. Do I bring the cookies, the Jack and coke? I don't know...

I am still kicking myself in the ass for not reading the fine print before singing up for a damn party.

If I would of taken the 5 seconds it would of taken me to read it, I woulda seen that the first person who signs up for the holiday is " the blum faced sucker who is in charge of the whole golldarn shindig"....And I hate shindigs.

I swear I am never signing myself for anything anymore unless its some sort of 12 step program..

on anything.

I am assuming I can fall into the category of nearly any 12 step program.

all that glitters is gold, and she is buying a stair way to heaven

there is s sign on the wall and she wants to be sure because you know that sometimes words have no meaning..

I need to stop watching vh-1 while typing..

but what the hell does this song mean anyway?

I think these boys were high when they wrote most of their crap.

Ok, this post is going no where real fast. Kinda like my career and my life.

On the bright side, Mr Shaky told me we are moving to Columbia ,South Carolina.

whats there you ask?....Its a big fat secret I guess...No snow, that's about all I can tell you for damn sure. That's A-OK in my book.

And just for the record, no I am not drunk or high, but thanks for asking.

Bee Real

Friday, December 15, 2006

Hit me with your best shot

Well there has been a change of plans. I am not going anywhere..I am dying. Thats right, I fear I may be knocking on heavens door shortly. It seems I may have sucumbed to the bird flu. I dont know. My esphogus is burning, I feel like I my head has lost air pressure, my stomach feels like I am going to puke out all my organs, my anus is kinda just wiating for a big explosion of some kind...I dont know..its not looking good, not one bit...

Either that, or God is cursing me with nine months of agony and 18 years of hell..I am still shooting for the bird flu...I am going to buy a bird flu tester later on..just to be sure..

No, I really have the flu....its terminal. I know this much.

I was looking thru my old posts and I thought I would re-post my list of new year resalutions from last we can see how much of a loser I am, as I dont think I kept one of them longer then 2 days..

ok..the post will be written on remarks from today will be in u get it?..ok here we go..

January 3 2006
I am not the kind of gal who believes in making "new years resolutions"....

I on the other hand set little personal goals if you will..I will now share with you my personal goals for 2006, and this time next year I will see if I kept any of them..

Chances are more than likey I wont..

1. Make my bed everyday...( have made this one the last 5 years..Has not happened as of yet..But I feel lucky this year..) this lasted about a week. longer then I thought it would.

2. Try to keep the house as spotless as I can, afterall I have no freaking job so I have no excuse right? only excuse I can come up for this one now is..hell I have 2 jobs now and that was NOT on my list of goals...damnit.

3. excersie more.....( yup made that one last year too) ok, I did do this...I may spend more time doing this then anything....

4. Be a better mom yup, that one didnt pan out either....hello do you read my blog?

5. Try to go another year without beating my kids into a coma...( I have kept this one for the last 9 years) anohter succussful year for that I suppose..go me.

6. Win the lotto...( ok I know this is a goal I can not control persay....But I can buy lotto tickets right?)I dont think I ever did buy a ticket.. at least one blogger buddy hmm....nope didnt do that either I dont think..but I do suffer from short term memeory loss...did I meet you this year?

8.go thru menopause....( again I know this is uncontrollable, but its ok to have goals)nope...this one neglected to show itself as well...heres hoping 2007 is my banner menopause year!

9. Take a nice family vacation that does not require driving to Michigan..well, I drove there twice, flew there about 3 times...I swear those people need to move here for crying out loud...But we have NO plans on going as a family next year..I may fly there a few times to see the dad and new mom...cause if I dont, I may be left out of somebodys will or something...

10. Keep my van clean...( again, another one I cant seem to keep)shit...forgot about this one....nope...well I keep it clean when I have to travel long ways..but by the time we get there its dirty I figure why the hell bother.

11. Spend less time blogging...( I know, this is a hard one...I may need a 12 step program)acctually I have done this. I dont blog surf like I did, I post only once a day, if I can...and I pretty much only come to the computer when I have to....which is to blog..ok I didnt do this bad.

There that's all I will bore you with........I would love to hear what your goals are..If u have made any..

While I am taking a break from purging, I will write or jot down my list for 2007.

*watch more tv

* stalk def leapprd thru 3 states instead of 2

*find Pat

*buy a new PAt should I not find the old one

*spend at least $2000 on concert tickets and stalking equipment...this is scaled back from 2006, i realize I dont need as much as I thought, cuz I am cool like that.

*Lose 80 pounds. I am trying to get down to my orignal weight..7lbs 13 onces

*sell shit on ebay....and start collecting welfare.

*write a screenplay....for the funniest movie u will never see.

*learn how to write said screenplay

*quit 2 of my day jobs....

*keep the house "liveable" need to keep it me I know.

*buy some stocks and bonds

*shave my legs daily..not bi-monthly

*join a cult

*learn to play the violin......or get a violin....

that about sums it up I guess.


Here is the link to the article about mr shakys cousins step daughter.

She died the other day. She was 22. Her boyfriend beat her to death pretty much. He is a prick. She lived next door to us for a while. I went to her baby shower. Mr Shakys cousin would bring the baby over to play with Boo..they would sit in the grass and chew on twigs....then he would bring his bird out, and it would shit on Boos head..well it did once.

Her name was Holly. Please just send prayers to her poor mother, her name is Ann. Its too bad women continue to be in relationships when they get the piss beat out of them. If you are hit once, you will be hit again. Now a poor little girl is left without a mommy and a mommy is left without a daughter. It sucks ass.

If your self esteem is that bad you feel you cant do any better..then for God sake, turn gay, or just be an old dont need a man if he does that to you. Your better off alone, at least you will live a tad longer. If you stay with a man like that, please go buy yourself a self help book. Or call Dr Phil..I saw him once....Kicked him in the balls, but I am sure if u dont brinng my name up he will help you...

So anyway...thast all i have...

Have a good weekend. I will be working on varoius jobs and i will see you Monday I supose..

depends on how long it takes for the bird flu to kill me.

Bee real

*editors note..

ok, on the greatest site in the world I just saw what I want for Hannuhka..

go me both if u can, or just one....dont care which...there are only 110 availbe, so please act NOW..

ok, here is today write up about shows a picutre of Holli

I hope this dirt bag gets whats coming to him.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Hotel California

I made some chocolate schewty balls today. I like my balls schewty, as well as chocolatey..So just take note of that people. My Boo helped me make said schewty balls, as her hands were in the mix making a ball, she would say.." Momma its gooey"

I told her under normal circumstances balls are not good when they are gooey.

I asked Mr Shaky what he was getting me for Hanukkah. remember I hate Christmas now, and I am a Jew, He told me not only was he not getting me anything for my new Jewish holiday, but if I kept it up I would not be getting a Christmas gift either.

Ya see, I let this man be in charge of buying the Christmas cards. This was my fault, I know this. If I was not so lazy as to drive to the card store myself, I would not be here bitching about it now...But anyway, he bought these cards I have to put together. They pull out..So I have to fill out the cards, then insert it into the slot. Then insert a few family pics..Then the envelope is to small and I have to cut down my pictures...Then Blondie licks the envelopes and asks me if its ok if your tongue bleeds...I asked her why..

she got a paper cut on her tongue from licking and has now retired from doing so.

So if u get a card from me, your lucky, cuz holy shit....That's a lotta work for a welfare going chic like myself.

I am all about being lazy. I like being lazy, yet I don't like being around people who are lazy..yup, makes no sense..

I though I would show u some pics of crap I painted. This is some of my Jew stuff. I buy it from a bisk store, I come home, when my kids go to bed, I paint. Well I use to. No time anymore..I can paint something in under a half hour..Its really very amazing...

Then there is this thing, I cant remember what it was, it broke..But here is what is left.

Oh and here is my ugly tree....

normally my tree is nice. This year it sucks ass. The kids broke some of the ornaments, the cat keeps taking the bows off, and the other cat keeps taking the tree skirt off and laying in it. This is part of the reason I am a Jew now.

Here is my banister going to my room..

It looks much better when the lights are off....As does everything....Everyone is good looking in the dark..Remember that.


I think I am gonna vomit. I ate to many balls today. Take note yet again...Too many balls turns the biggest ball lover into a non ball lover.

Really, if I see another ball again, I am gonna kill someone.

My son keeps telling the girls to be quite because they are going to make me mad. I told him I am already mad..So then he told them to be quiet or I was going to get angry..Told him , too late for that too.

he asked me if I am ever not angry..I told him.." Not that I can recall"

He nodded in agreement.

I need to go find a Manorra..And where do I find a draddle? And how do u use one?

I am still waiting for my gifts....I don't know when the Holiday starts, but u can start sending them anytime now..

I wont be back for a few days..I got things that I got to do, places to go, people to see..People to hire and people to fire...Asses to kick and faces to lick.

Why everytime do I sit down here to type anything does my son ask me if I am famous?..I am just going to start telling him I am...Holy shit, he is a retard he will never know the difference..

Bee Real

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Last worthless evening

I have decided that I hate Christmas. I am now a Jew. Don't ask questions, just send me 8 gifts during Hanukkah..Thanks in advance.

My 80 dollar doll should be here by weeks end. Then I just may have to take myself out to the back forty and be put down. Its the only humane thing to do.

I did however decide to cash in on this eBay idea. I am gonna start selling things I paint. Yes, among my other talents I do paint. I use to do oil paintings, but I really have no room for that right now..Someday maybe...But for now I am going to paint bisk..I am going to start doing holiday things...Then if any of that sells, I am gonna do other things..

I hate to brag, but I am really very good at it! Yea, well...Like u give a damn.

So I am hoping to hit it big there, collect my welfare and call it a day. Go Me!

Some days don't you wish you were rich and famous? Ya no, so u can get hot concert tickets, get invited to all the cool parties, get your name in a magazine, your pic taken with the president..All that good stuff? But what keeps me from doing things to make me famous, is the fact when I ever get arrested..and yes, I am assuming one day that will happen..

They post your mug shot on Entertainment Tonight and discuss your weight. Then Barbara Walters and Rosie talk about it on The View..Before you know it David Letterman is poking fun of you..he has some great writers by the way...I mean that guy is pure genius..Anyhoo, it just aint worth it. I've just been thinking, and it aint worth it.

Fame just aint what u think it is I am afraid. One minute your hot, the next minute your being poked fun of cuz your either too fat, or too skinny..Not funny, or too funny..Your boobs aren't big enough, or they are too big..

so this is your lesson for the day. Take from it what u will.


Yesterday I was printing off some pictures and Boo saw one of herself. She looked at it, and says " momma, dats me, I so chute"

I told her yes, she was cute, then asked her how she got so cute. She told me God made her that way. Then she told me she was and I quote..

momma, I so chute and berry smart too momma.

Yup, she has looks and brains people..Girls like that are not a dime a dozen...They are a quarter for a barrel.


Mr Shaky and I were on the couch . My son, Butch was in the basement being mean to his sisters..I was mad at him.

He was told to come up stairs, he refused. I yelled down and he said " WHAT"

Mr Shaky said and I quote..

he is a little bastard sometimes

Oh Lordy...He finally sees the light...

Really we don't beat our bees or verbally abuse them. Well on a normal day anyway.

Mr Shaky just got off the phone with him mother. I guess Mr Shakys cousin's wife daughter is gravely ill. They were our neighbors for a few years back in the homeland. This young gal is 22, had a baby the same time I had Boo. Her boyfriend I guess beat the piss out of her and now she is brain dead.. She was a very nice girl, as well as her mother...Now Mr Shaky's cousin is a bit spent, but the the wife and daughter were good people.

So sad. Why do women stay with guys that beat the shit out of them? I don't get it. They don't love you..If they did they would not try to kill you on a daily basis. I knew this boyfriend. I mean not personally, but I had seen him several times..And I shoulda kicked his ass while I was there...

And this poor girl told the cops she did not want to press charges. But thankfully the cops had caught him in the act and they gave her no choice, THEY were going to press charges. She was about to be released from the hospital, she told her mom her head still hurt bad. Next thing you know she is in a coma and declared brain dead. She is 22 years old. With a three old baby.

I hope the prick goes to prison for life.....See this is why I am for the death penalty. Fuckers like that don't deserve to have three meals a day that WE pay for...

Ok I am done..


My son keeps telling me my music is no good. He says he likes pop music, not classic rock. I told him to go pack his damn bags.

Bee Real

btw, if u have beta blogger, i can not comment..i dont know why...i have tried all day all of you with it, i am sorry, i am reading it...i just cant comment on it...I hate this blogger and am thinking of switching to something else...

take that and shove it up your balls blogger.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

I know what I want, and I want it now

So as I mentioned in my last post, Blondie has her list made, and it includes that ugly baby doll....among other numerous things..Including a pony.

My Boo, well she is what I refer to as a simple gal, or a woman of simplicity. For weeks she has been seeing all these ads for the coolest toys...And of course, she wants all of them. And Lord, if I could get her it all, I would..cuz I am a whore that way. One gift I bought her was a video game called V-SMILE. Its a game that makes retarded babies a tad more non retarded. I spent about 60 bucks on that...Not on eBay, I paid ole regular market value for that. But I could of saved myself a ton of money. I bought her all sorts of cool shit...But as of Monday, December 11, 2006..All my baby wants is a dang ole Chia Pet.

I tell her, you don't want that. Then she says.." Yes momma, I do want dat...It gwos"

I say, yes it grows...But u don't want that.

She insist she does. But u see, if I would of got her that V-SMILE for her birthday in August, she would now be smart enough to know she does indeed NOT want a CHia Pet. I blame this all on me.

Guess I am gonna head out and by my baby a chia pet...Next she will want the gol darn Clapper.

I have decided I need to quit my jobs and live off the state. I don't find anything wrong with this. I am even willing to break my own leg....Now that's a true dedicated person. How many of you would break one of your limbs?...None of u, cuz your all wussies.

I would have no troubles hacking off a few fingers in the name of Welfare, or disability...I have no pride or dignity. ..My only talents seems to be, but not limited too..

*knowing if a movie is good before I see it
*knowing if a TV show will last past the pilot episode
*knowing kids want anything they see on TV
*knowing my son will never lie again, unless its approiate.
*knowing my Blonde is getting a doll she will not play with for more then a day.
*knowing that global warming is a crock of shit
*knowing that penguins would not make good pets.
* knowing that I could write a better TV show then some I see on the air.
* knowing that I will never get or learn to play a violin.

Ok, enough bragging...

Well, I don't know....Maybe I don't even know that much.

ok, I know for a fact I don't know all that...I am just assuming.

Bee Real

Monday, December 11, 2006

I hate myself for loving you

I have a tale to tell. Its a vile tale. One not for the weak of faint of heart. And amazingly enough, it has nothing to do with farting, pooping, or butts. Oh wait, take that back...It does have to do with pooping...My bad.

You see...This kid here..My darling little Blondie

Well one of her wishes for that damn ole Santa Clause is this fuc*ing thing..

For those of u who have not been breeding in the last few years, its called a doll. Not just any doll, but a Baby Alive doll. She eats, she poops..(this is the part where the poop comes in) and she pisses herself, drinks, talks, does everything but wipe its own ass.

I have looked for the last week for this doll. I had no idea it was such a hot commidty. I go from store to store looking for this doll...Because holy shit, my baby wants a doll, normally she wont touch them with a ten foot pole...She likes boy stuff, cuz holy mother of God she likes to impress the things with penis's.

So on the first glimmer of her saying these words to me, I head out. I come back empty handed every time. I check all their websites...Every store...No one has it.

I get the bright idea of going on eBay...

why, because this here...

equals fuc*ing crazy.

so this crazy mo-fo mentioned above bid on about 20 of them. At one point I was highest bid on 3 of them...I was going to fork out about 400 bucks for 3 dolls that prolly cost all of a buck fity to produce.

I thought if I had to pay for two, I would give one to this..

she likes things that poop.

the time was running out..I was sweating bullets. Mr Shaky would kill me if I got more then one, and spent 400 bucks doing so...I mean I would be dead, flat on my fat ass.

Well, as I had God on my side, I only won one doll..

So now I am the proud owner of a baby alive.

Cost me over 80 bucks for a damn doll my daughter will stop playing with by new years eve.

I truly am an absolute total and utter freaking moron. I don't deserve to live.

I may poo in my own pants after I wake up and realize I just spent 80 bucks on a doll that shits itself.

Bee Real

yes i am posting for monday, I am busy with work and all the other secret stuff i rob banks, design christmas cards for athiest, and run a clinic for the chronically stupid...

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Comfortably numb

I have one question. Its a simple one. Why is it that when u order something with chicken in it at a Chinese joint, it looks and taste like anything but chicken? I swear to God those chinese people are in the back laughing their asses off at the people who order meals with chicken in them..I can hear them now..

haha, dos po foos dink dae eatin shik-on...das so fun-y...da eatin dawg, dae wike it, dae wiwwy wike it...hahaha

ok dont make any wise crakcs about my chinese accent, i dont have that one down yet...its a work in screw u

those damn Chinese got me again. I swear to God it does not even taste like chicken. I mean you hear people talk about tasting weird things like snake, shark, boogers, what have U..And everyone says " it taste like chicken"

So how is it that chicken does not taste like chicken?..I will tell you..cuz its dog, or cat, or some other kinda weird domesticated animal..

Mr Shaky asked why I was not eating my chicken. I told him it was not chicken. He tried it, and agreed it was not chicken....

Yup..I have been duped again by the Chinese folk...I am still hungry...Paid 10.95 for my plate of cashews, domesticated animal meat and rice...At this rate, I will be thin in no time.

I have another qeustion about dining out. Why when I see two gals out for dinner and I assume they are girlfriends hangin out, a night away from the kids and men...But when I see two guys out for dinner, I automatically assume they are gay?

why oh why does my mind go right directly to that they are gay?...I am a freaking retard, thats why.

Shopping was awful. I hate shopping. Why do things cost so much money?Why cant I pay say...50 bucks for 3 bags full of shit for the bees? Why does 50 bucks only buy me one gift for one bee? My kids needs jobs.

so I dropped down 300 bucks, for my first round of shopping. I am gonna need a third job for next year...As the lil crappers get older, they cost more money. I remember when I could get away with getting them legos, a cardboard book and a squeak toy..Maybe even a stuffed elmo...

If they want to rake in the kind of loot I know they are expecting, they need to get jobs...They just sit around here all day..No reason why they cant get after school jobs. It doesn't matter they are 3, 6, and 9....If they lived in say..CHINA...They would be working full time jobs and making 9 cents an hour already.

So my dear ole son went to school Friday, as he does all the days the building is open. I get a call around 9am CST and its the office lady. This office lady is a spittin image of that baby killer Andrea Yates. They could be twins. Anyhoo, baby killer look a like lady says to me..

um, Butch came down to the office complaining of a stomach ache...

well he is just getting over the stomach flu...

um, well he says he got knocked out at wrestling last night and was knocked out for 20 minutes and woke up in the clinic.

ahh, he said what?...

I am kind of concerned he may have a concussion.

well Andrea, I would not be too damned concerned, cuz that shit never went down. You think I would send my kid to school if the night before he had been knocked out for 20 minutes and I had to transport his wuss ass to the hospital?...Your kidding me right?

well, he said he landed on his head and...

whoa..This never happen , well this is part that is correct, he did go to wrestling.

so he was not knocked out?

um, not now, but he might be when he gets home.

so, I asked baby killer look alike lady if they wanted me to come get him...He stayed. I woulda kicked his damn ass if he woulda came home early for that bidness.

When he got home I asked him about said lie. This is him

I don't know..I don't know why I said it..I swear, I wont lie again , unless it is approiate..

son its never apporiate..

ok, ok, I will never lie again.

That kid is some piece of work...And I don't like working.

On the way home from shopping my stomach was acting funny. Mr Shaky says to me..

man, did u fart?

well, I had two bowls of chili today

holy crap, I am proud of you, did u just admit to farting? That is a first, u never do that..

shut up before I poke your damn eyes out.

hell, even Boo has enough balls to admit when she farts...Good for u honey, your such a big girl

as he is rolling the window down...

I am sure my dignity is laying somewhere on 394 in Minnetonka by the Ridgedale mall....I am sure it has been run over countless times..

What can ya do?...As my Boo says..."Momma, sum-ties, I gots to go poop and sum-ties I gotta fart....And momma, I did fart!"...Then she proceeds to ask me if I heard it.

I will never ask u if u heard it, or if u think something smells bad.

And for the record, I don't normally fart, that was a minor slip up...Ok, well a major slip up..

I think I may have just farted yet again....Curse them kidney beans...

bee real

Friday, December 08, 2006

Armageddon it

Ok, here are our fugly cookies. But they taste damn good...Its not what's on the outside that counts, its what's on the INSIDE....

When I sent my babies out to the bus Thursday it was -6 outside..That's all wrong. This is the temp at noon...

See that jerkoff's, it says NEGATIVE 3. That is without the bloody cold ass wind. That woulda brought the temp to a balmy -22...Man ,Minnesota is what I think hell is like. Hell is not hot, hell is buck ass cold.

And don't make a comment that my house was only 55 degrees...I keep it next to the window in the kitchen so it reads my inside temp as a bit colder then it is...But I did have my long underwear on today.

So my Butch had decided to take up wreslting with his baby sister. Blondie session was first..Man she can kick ass. She pinned those boys fast. And she is quick and she pays such good attention to the coaches. I was totally amazed at what she could do. She could keep up to those snot ass boys so good.

Then it was Butch's turn. This is where things went all wrong. Now don't get me wrong, I love my son. I really do. But he is a wussie. His first time down on the mat and he starts to cry. Not even 10 minutes into his practice and he was down for the count. If this were the Karate Kid..DANIELSON woulda been dead on his feet.

On the way out to the car he told me that he never wants to step foot inside that place again and that going in there was nothing more then a death sentence.

And he continued to sob the whole 3 blocks home, because holy shit, he got pinned by a kid. I told him..Holy shit, its wrestling, not ballet. He wants to join ballet. I am not even certain if he could handle a non contact sport.

My poor son. HE may need to transfer schools after this episode.

But Blondie, that girl can hold her own..

We are sitting here in the living room and Mr shaky asks when was the last time I fed the rabbit. I looked at him very puzzled..I was not sure when I fed her last...Coulda been days, weeks even..

I cant be in charge of feeding every damn living thing in this house.

I am just not that responsable. Period.

Well everyone have a great weekend. I am going Christmas shopping Friday night. I hate shopping. For two reasons. I hate spending money unless I am buying myself something, and B, I hate spending money on shit my kids will break, or lose within weeks of receiving it.

Kids are retards. What I don't get is we parents buy our kids nice crap for Christmas, and we give all the damn credit to a fat white guy. I mean, one year my daughter said to me " why don't u and daddy buy us cool stuff like Santa does?"

I wanted to murder Santa at the very moment. Never in my life had I thought of homicide, but that moment seemed right to me.

I know some people don't go the Santa route, which is fine by me. I mean at least their kids know who spent the dough on the crap they are gonna lose and break. I love Santa, and I love the concept of Santa. And truthfully kids only believe in Santa for a short amount of time. Then after that you get the blame for all the shitty gifts. It all pans out in the end.

But when your kids think Santa is reason for the season, that's when u have problems. My kids, wonder how the hell they got Santa from the birth of Christ. It makes no sense to them. But yet, the two that believe in Santa don't question anything on Christmas morning.

God Bless us everyone.

Bee Real

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Talk dirty to me

I made sugar cookies last night, and cuz I am a kick ass mom, my girls helped me. I rolled it, the cut it with the cookie cutters, and I frosted them, and Blonde and Boo decorated them. They are the ugliest cookies I have seen, but hell damn they taste divine.

I lost 6 pounds this week, so people who say that eating deep fried cheese sticks and sugar cookies are bad for u, can kiss my rear end....

My son was up puking his lungs up the other night. I hate puke. I hate vomit. I hate anything that comes forth your mouth that has already been digested.

Pat is still missing.

Lets see what else......Mr shaky is asking if I am writing anything about him. I told him no. So now I must..Lets see...What can I say about him now..

he has hobit feet.

Well, I am done for today, I have been busy. Not sure when I will be back, as my secret rock band I am in has told me I need to join them on the road. I swear, being in a rock band aint all as what it is cracked up to be.

I have people, I will have them send your people updates as they become needed.

Good day.

I think I might have the diarrhea now...

Bee Real

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

I got the fire baby, u got the heat can u handle it

Ok, moving on....

I have thought of more gift ideas for ole saint nick. Unless he wants a good kick in the balls, he will oblige to my demands..

* I want him to bring me various pairs of jeans...Nice expensive ones. I want him to buy my size 10's, but I want the tag to say 6..So if anyone looks at my jeans, it will say SIZE 6..Not 10..mmkay...U can sew cant ya Santa?

* I still need that housekeeper..Because holy shit, I have better things to waste time on then cleaning..And if u come here, it will be proven.

* I need a direct line to the people who make 3 Muskateers...And a direct line to the people who run the show NIP/Tuck....Its the best show on TV, yet its only on for 3 months..Does that make any sense to anyone?

* toilet paper. I can never have too much toilet paper.

ok, this concludes this portion of me begging for stuff..

oh, and a violin...I wanted one last year..Never got one..


Mr Shaky and I went to dinner last night. Behind us were two women. One woman says to her friend..

" now how often do u feel like stabbing them?"
" if u did hurt them, would you feel bad about it?"

what the hell?

Then the lady said to her again..." Do u need help controlling your anger?..Try listening to music"

So when they left, I made sure to look at them both...I have a feelin they will be visiting the county motel in the near future...


My son is barfing today........

My Boo had green poop and insisted on me looking at it with her....Then asking me if I thought it was pretty.

My Blondie is wanting to show me her fancy wrestling moves..But I am afraid she will kick my ass..

Mr Shaky is asking me " so, what did u get done with the house today?"

I tell him..Look around..

nothing asswipe..

Bee Real

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Let it rock

I had a crappy time at work Sunday evening/Monday morning. I am a delicate flower and should not have to deal with crap. I had to break up two fights in my MAX cell. The boys was fighting. 2 murders and two drug dealers. Fighting about touching the phone after one of them had their hands down their pants, and about wearing socks. Rule is if ur not in your bunk you must wear socks...And ur jail issued shoes.

The boys were not wanting to follow the rules, and wanting to fight about dirty hands and the phone..I told everyone to keep their hands out of their pants...Like talking to my 3 year old.

Some days they don't pay me enough..Especially when I have to break up fights..

I come home from work at 6am, and my Boo is sitting on the couch watching the wiggles...( I have not broke the news to her that the yellow wiggle is leaving) and she runs to me and says

" momma guess what?...I frowed up last night"

I guess my baby had a tummy ache in the night...When she was discribing to me the situation, she told me it came out her mouth and went on her floor..She referred to it as " pooping outta her mouth"..

I love this damn kid, I swear to God.


well some things have come up here at the hive. I may not blog much after the end of this month..Maybe its a "secret job" I have that non of you know about. Maybe I am a bounty hunter....Maybe I am a covert Russian spy..Hell maybe I have joined the circus. Maybe I am an elephant trainer. Maybe I won the lotto and am leaving for a tropical paradise, where its not 8 degrees at 1 pm.

Maybe I have been asked to join the cast of Riverdance. Maybe I am I touring with my secret rock band. Or maybe I am running away with a rock band.

Man the freaking possibilities are endless....I am a gal of many secrets....I am a gal with many talents....I am just a gal...

And you all thought you knew me...

Not to say I will stop blogging all together, but it is looking that way..At least for a while..But like I said, not till after the first of the year...But with that damn holiday where I have to fork out money to buy my kids shit, coming close...My time will be spent making cookies, wrapping gifts, trying to steal shit out of Toys R Us,,because I am THAT cheap...So between now and x-mas I might be sparse, depending on what's going on here.

Now that I have a wrestler in the family, who knows what will be going on...My little pint size ass kicker.

Damn my Boo keeps running up to me telling me she wants a damn onion. What the hell is that about?

I threw her my big red onion and told her to dig in, she ran to the basement with it...Not sure what she is doing with it. Dear God she best not be wasting it.

tomorrow I am gonna post an audio clip of her singing you a Christmas song..It will be the only song she knows the words too..And shit, she cant even get that right. She is a tard, like I have been trying to say..I mean look..She farts out her mouth, wants onions and craps out her pie whole...

U people just don't get it do you?

so anyway, back to my story...Oh yes, I am needed in other areas and wont be here much anymore. And please don't email me asking what's going on, because its a federal offense to ask me shit I wont answer..I will be around here and there, telling you about my crazy ass family and how Mr Shaky, Butch, Blonde and Boo irritate the hell out of me...Cuz that's what I do..And if a few days go by where some things that go on here are blog worthy, sure as hell I will keep u updated on that stuff..I am a woman of the people..And the people love me, so I deliver.

Well I gotta go find my damn onion.

Bee real

Monday, December 04, 2006


I put my tree up. I hate trees. Trees belong out of doors. As well as children. And husbands.

I worked all weekend. I hate working.

I wont be home until 6am Monday morning, and you wanna know why? I have to work for a damn living that's why. And it kind of pisses me off.

it did not get much about 10 degrees the whole bloody weekend. This also pisses me off.

I helped inmates at the county hotel make Christmas cards Saturday night. Who can top that? I was in a room with 4 males making cards. One which is a murder. And there were 4 pair of scirrors in the room. Along with rubber stamps and ribbon. They coulda killed me 20 ways with that shit. But they didn't. In fact, all of them told me I need to start wearing my hair down.

Inmates creep me out. Especially the ones that look at me.

Lets see...What else...

My son informed me he can not join wrestling because he is and I quote " too fragile"

My Blondie actually has her first practice tonight. She is going to whomp some ass. She informed Mr Shaky that a "friend" of hers is in wreslting....A penis friend. Not the same penis who calls, but another penis...

I just only hope she learns some moves so she can kick the penis in said penis, should she need to one day. Did that make any sense?...Yea I don't really care anyway, so don't tell me either way.

Two people Saturday called Kareokee....CA-ROW-KEE....Not CARE-EE-OO-KEE..What the hell is up with that?

I must go. I am tired. And I am crabby. No I don't have crabs, I am just crabby..There is a difference people..Look it up.

""I don't have a gamblin' problem. I'm winnin', that's not a problem. That's like sayin' Michael Jordan has a basketball problem, or Def Leppard has an awesomeness problem. So why don't you pour some sugar on that?" - Earl Hickey "

Bee Real

Friday, December 01, 2006

too funky

So being its the first day of December, I thought it would be a good thing to list all the shit I want for Christmas. Because dear God, I don't want to get jipped. I get pissed when I get jipped.

First things first. I want kids that don't make any noise. My kids seem to be the loudest lil sheeeits I know. Right at this very moment I cant even hear myself sending myself sucide thoughts. Now that's loud.

Secondly I want a sled. Not for me, but one big enough for the bees, the dog and Mr Shaky, cuz I want to push them all down a big steep hill.

Next is lipgloss. I want neutral and pinks. I like that.

I want a housekeeper. Bossy isn't much for cleaning. I mean I do it, only because, holy crap I have no housekeeper.

I want a flat screen plasma TV, that is pinned to my ceiling. That way when I am in bed, I don't have to sit up to watch VH-1 classic.

I want American Idol to raise its age limit, or else have a senior citizen version...Just for shits and giggles. I would so win....

I also want a lifetime supply of money. Money I don't have to work for..

Lets see, what else....

Oh yes, I want Sirrius radio for my mom wheels...I want to rock out with some style. I need to be able to listen to Classic Rewind. I have it on dishnetwork. And I love it.

I want my house to all of a sudden be paid for in full. Both of them. Then I want to sell them for way more then they are worth, then I am going to buy an island...Make a home from twigs and wet sand...

I would also like you to bring me a life. Its pretty sad that my life consist of writing a blog, beating the crap out of my kids, and verbally abusing Mr shaky on a daily basis.

There has to be more...Please tell me there is more.. Dear God there has to be more.

Well Santa, that about covers it....Don't forget my sleeping pills, xanex, and liposuction coupon as well. I seriously need all that shit..For real.

Oh and bring my dog a gigilo so she stops humping my damn leg.

Bee Real