Ok, what I am about to write about is not for the faint or weak of heart. If you have any sort of heart condition, you might just want to pack up your shit and leave now.
I have had a bad few days.
It all has to do with the whole eve eating the apple and God punishing ME for something that happened thousands of years ago..
I have had the worse cramps over the last two days. I mean its been so bad it hurts to sit, and walk.
I lay on my bed and pray for certain death, or menopause.
Then I worry about growing whiskers if I go thru menopause, so then I think death is the best option.
Then as sit on the john and open my beloved box of Tampex ,(as if I have nothing better to do) and read the little insert they give u about inserting this device into your um..hoohaw.
Then as I am reading it tells you what absorbency to use. Mind you , the Playtex people actually think we ladies know how many grams of blood we lose during our menstruation.
If you bleed 6-9 grams you need SUPER PLUS absorbency,I say, if I don't want to leak onto my nice satin thongs, I will use what ever absorbency I see fit.
Who the hell knows how many grams they are letting go of during such times? I sure as hell don't.
All I know is its shit loads from day one to day 2...after day two is pretty much spotty-ness..all days thereafter, touch and go...might have a driblet here and there...
I know what your thinking
..who the hell cares and why is she writing this sick shit..
I don't know..I am in pain and I hate losing blood.
I like blood, especially when it is flowing in my veins and or arteries. I don't like it ending up in my undergarments.
Ok..I am done talking about this..
and my apologies to you and yours for the graphic images I set forth in your feabel little minds.
Well Prince is having a private concert at Macy's the day of the big show at The Target Center..
They are blocking off the whole 8th floor just for this event. If you purchase a $250.00 ticket to this private show, you not only get a ticket to the show later that night, but you also get a a bottle of his new fragrance.
Oh La La..
I want to go to this private showing.
I deserve nothing less then this..
Guess who is NOT going to this show?
A friend from work is going to the show with me, we are going to fork out the 130 bucks for the regular show and pray for the best.
Its almost a good thing Shaky isn't going, as I don't think it would do his ego good seeing me there lifting my shirt and tossing my undies..(clean ones of course) up on the stage..I am not sure why...But I think Mr Shaky is a bit, shall I say..Jealous..
I mean I can not blame him, when Prince sees my nice clothes, and well manicured hair...oh and lets not forget my big ta ta's..he will be all over me like a Richard Gere on a hooker.
Although I think he would more then likely give me a Bible and have me escorted out of the building, it will still be well worth it.
I am not sure if I like this new religious side of him..I liked it much better when he humped the stage and used dirty words and such..
He is too much like Mr Shaky now...
I can get that shit at home...
Keep your flippers wet..
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Ok, what I am about to write about is not for the faint or weak of heart. If you have any sort of heart condition, you might just want to pack up your shit and leave now.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
So the nice long spread of the holiday weekend is behind me, kind of like my gorilla ass.
Having my dad spend his nights at the city's local swanky hotel sorta worked out ok. I mean, at least I did not have to worry I was boring him. If they would of stayed here, I would of felt like I had to be on all weekend. And I just don't have that much on in me. Because I am fat and lazy that way.
Look, the boy got his $4,000 telescope...ok, maybe it was not that much, but it might as well of been.
I looked thru it last night, I saw some strange shit there on the moon. I am totally convinced,after seeing it up close and personal that it is indeed made of cheese.
I swear that kid better discover some sort of galaxy or at least save us all from a horrid asteroid or something.
Look, these are my new flip flops I bought...
what do u think?
Here is my dad and my um mom with my lil flippers.
My dad and Blondie spent lots of time playing catch and various other baseball activities..
Here is Mr Shaky with his lil flippers..
What a cute little happy bunch of retardedness...awwwwwww!
here is me and the kids..
Doesn't The Boy look like he is having the best time..he sure does love me, makes my heart skip a beat.
Here are me and the girls..
Oh and here is the much anticipated shot of my non existent Cinnomelt Buying Place.
Bastards...every last one of em..
But the dumb asses leave the damn sign up just to torture my soul..
Saturday guess where we went..Thats right..I went and saw Shrek for a second time.
It was not any better the second time..But I think my dad got a kick out of it..He said and I quote
well now that's just as cute as the other ones..
I think maybe its because they play Live and Let Die by The Beatles in the movie..Just my thought anyway..
Only good thing I can say, is it is a short movie.
Sunday we went to the ever lovin Mall of America..
Rode some roller coasters, a few water rides, went to some shops..
Wanna see the cutest thing..This was my only personal purchase..set me back a whole 3.50
My vacation is over. I head back to the office in a few short hours...I need to live somewhere where everyday can be a vacation.
Friday, May 25, 2007
I apologize in advance for the endless stream of picture vomit I am going to put you thru. Picture vomit is something a blogger does when they are too lazy for a real post, or have nothing to post about..Take what you will from that.
Yesterday Blondie had her class play..It was The Three Bears and she was Baby Bear. Would of made more sense to cast her as Goldilocks, but I was not the casting agent.
This is her...and that lad next to her is the dude whom calls her..
and yes, I do have a hit out on him..
In our next scene Baby Bear is distraught over that bitch Goldilocks busting up her chair.
Ya and you idiots know the rest of the story..
Anyhoo...This is Boo, telling me she was not in the mood to go see a Theatrical Production that her sister was in.
This is me telling her to get her ass off the couch and put her shoes on.
I know, I look like a hard ass, don't I?
This is me again, I think I may take my glasses back, I am not sure if I like them..Plus I cant see shit out of them..The doc told me my eyes were better, so I needed a weaker lens.
He is a big stupid butt, because I cant see didley shit squat.
Anyhoo, since I want you to get those visuals out of your mind, I am going to talk about something.
Are you ever with a person, anyone really, and you ask a question and they say
"it doesn't matter to me"
Why does that bug the shit out of me?
When someone tells you that, it means they indeed do not want to participate in
whatever your asking about.
Now if they were to say..
Hell yes, I am game
Sure thats fine by me
that means they want to..
when they say
It doesn't matter to me, they are saying, do it yourself ,or hell no I don't want any part of that.
I will give u some examples
"Hey Barb, do you want to pass out the 8pm meds or shall I?
"it doesn't matter to me"
That means they are too fu*king lazy and indeed are not game on that.
If you say
" hey, do you want to sit on your ass and do nothing all night?"
and they say
" yes, that sounds wonderful"
that is indeed what their whole soul intention is..God Bless em I say.
My dad will be here sometime Saturday, remember he is staying at a hotel rather then my humble abode..
Still not sure if I should be extremely offended or extremely grateful
Then it makes me wonder when I come home to visit and I stay at his house, would he rather me stay at a hotel?
But maybe they just wanna get their freak on..I don't know..
I feel like a bad hostess, granted, I hate people, but I do like my dad. I get my rock and roll genes from him..
Although I can sing better then him, and I actually know the words to the songs I am singing..
God bless him and I cant wait until he gets here..
I had to work until Midnight Thursday...This is what I looked like at 11:30pm
I know, I know..put a bag over her head...I mean holy crap...
Although it looks like I might of just dropped some acid, but seriously, this is what I look like. NO make up artist, no air brushing.
Thank your lucky stars you don't wake up next to that every morning like poor Shaky does.
Ok in order to get that misleading image out of your heads..Here is a pretty sunset I saw on my walk the other night
Ok it is not that great of a shot..and I do apologize.
Oh and Boo told me today that my face smells like a zoo.
I am hoping for a nice leisurely weekend, I don't have to go back to the office until Tuesday. I am hoping to start sobering up by then.
Have a great Holiday Weekend..
HAve a happy period..
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Ok first things first..I forgot to take a pic of the empty lot that use to house my Golden Arches, which houses my cinnomelts...I suck ass, and I apologize.
Second up, My new blog template is almost done and holy shite, it looks awesome. THANK YOU EMMA..I cant link to or I would..I am a dumbass, a dumbass who is willing to admit she cant link..but she in on my sidebar under Bees Knees..
I LOVE EMMA..
Next up...at my job at the crazy house..we may be getting ready to go on strike..
To make a long story short, they took away benefits in NOV an promised everyone a raise, which we have not seen.
Things could get ugly, if nothing happens in the next few weeks with the demands we are making, we are putting a full page ad in ALL the local newspapers.
We bitches mean business.
Lets see, oh I wanted to ask something, maybe its just me and my sick neuroses I may or may not have..But do any of you drink from a soda can, or do you pour in it a glass?
I always crack it open and drink without a care in the bloody world. But then I gots to thinking..These cans sit in a warehouse before being shipped. Who is to say some of the sick pervs aren't peeing on the cans or even rats or mice taking dumps or licking the cans before we get them.
I must have to much time on my hands, who the hell thinks about this shit?
Anyway, I am no longer drinking from a can..
Oh and another thing I thought about..What if the sick pimpled faced boy working in the stock room isn't licking all the cans just to be a sick perv?
I aint risking it no more.
Oh I stole today too.
I found a nice, big, long , strong......
It was just laying on a picnic table at the lake, it was dark, like 930, and it looked like it was getting scared of the dark. So being the good Samaritan I am, I found it a new home.
Cuz I do Gods work..
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Hello, is there anybody in there?
I saw this frog yesterday. It was no bigger then a nickel and it was turquoise and a weird shade of green. I am assuming it was a tree frog of some sort, being the amphibian expert I am.
I tried looking online to see what kind of frog this is..I looked up MN frogs..I saw 14 different species of frogs...NOT ONE matched the one I saw.
How is that possible?
Did God magical make this frog appear before my eyes? I mean, my mom was there as a witness..But she may not be all that credible in the frog world, I don't know.
But it was a tiny frog, and a kind I have never seen.
Any frog experts here?..yes....no....? Anyone...anyone..
Also I saw a weird colored salamander..But I DID see that on the Internet..
Thank God for the Internet, helping me identify aquatic life one item at a time..
Do bald people put sunscreen on top of their heads? I have always wondered that.
Anyway, Boo is sick...feverish, coughing up one or both lungs, and still not wearing underwear.
I am sleep deprived.
Ok here are some pics of what my frog kinda looked like
OK just kidding....this is the closest I could find..
Anyway, I know you don't give a damn, but it is bugging the shit out of me..
And these are Pacific Tree Frogs...
Not the Midwest variety..
Tomorrow I am going to post a pic of where my McDonald's use to stand tall and proud. Even though no one spoke English, an they never got an order right..
I still miss the Golden Arches.
Dont be shocked if u show up here and its all re-arranged..
I have people, and they are working nights and weekends to get this blog looking nice and summery.
I have to pee.
Bee potty trained
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
I asked The Boy why he fancied this gal so much. I asked him if he thought she was cute. he said "um, not really"
I said, then whats the damn deal? He told me that she likes spider man, baseball and running.
I saw her, she is cute.
And the kicker, Mr Shaky met her and he said she is so cute so so very nice..
Speaking of that ole Mr Shaky, he told me yesterday he likes it when ladies have a nice brown glow. I said " u mean like i do?"
He said, "um no, your more of a nuclear accident, people shouldn't be that dark my dear."
He said I need to tone it down, he said it isn't good for me, getting that much sun..
I am thinking he is worried I will end up looking like this..
I say, whatever happens, happens..
I get lots of sun, I walk daily, I spend time out with the kids, I mow the lawn..
all that requires me to be in the sunlight.
If any of you know anyone who designs blogs, let me know..I am wanting to give my spot here a lil face lift..She is getting a tad wrinkly. I will pay for such serves, as long as they are not asking for crazy shit prices..I am not into being screwed in that fashion.
I know what I want, so it wont take long for them to do it...So if u know anyone, or if u know how..email me or leave it in the comment section..thank u in advance for your tireless efforts.
Look, these are my fav flip flops...
Oh no, my legs are not hairy, just a little dry..
I am still mourning my McDonald's. I mean the bitch was leveled..I mean its smashed to smithereens.
No cinnomelts for me..for three whole fu*king months.
I am not sure why they felt the need to destroy my only happiness in the early AM..
hello, ronald...i miss u..i miss your hot,sticky,sweet...buns.
Bee sticky free
Monday, May 21, 2007
Well a few things happened to me over the weekend. First up, my garage was cleaned out and I was able to park my hot mom wheels inside for the first time since we moved here. Hot Damn.
The next thing that transpired over the last 2 days was my son, spent the night at my mothers house. He comes home Saturday Morning all tired and crabby. My mom told me he slept on the floor and was up all night tossing and turning.
Which I thought odd since sometimes on weekends he likes to camp out on the living room floor.
Come to find out he was online ALL night playing this game. Its an interactive game of some kind, and he is only allowed online on weekends for no more then 30 minutes at a time. Some of his buddies from school play the same game.
My mom said The Boy woke her up at 3am and told her his eyes hurt, she was shocked he was still on, so she told him to shut it off now.
When she woke up at 7 he was STILL online and still playing the same game...he had not slept the whole night.
When I confronted ole shaky on this situation that transpired, he shockingly did not seem upset...He told me and I quote "yeah well if I was allowed to play my game that long, I would"
To which I said..." your not ten dumb shit"
"oh and no way in hell would I allow that mister"
Then Saturday afternoon The Boy asks to go to his lady friends house to "play tag"
Then when Mr Shaky called him and told him it was time to come home, he had the nerve to ask if he could sleep over at her house.
Um excuse me....
I need a shotgun, I figure if I shoot him in the knee caps, just to disable him...It might hinder his wanting to spend the night at her house. Mostly because he wont be mobile.
I have no trouble giving him piggy back rides to the toilet and such. And I can have the little yellow bus for the handicapped kids pick him up for school.
I always figured one of my kids would need the short bus..
But I did not figure it would be from an accidental knee cap shooting.
Ok, it wont be accidental, so sue me.
Friday, May 18, 2007
I had an exciting story to tell. Something that would knock your socks off.
But I changed my mind.
Anyhoo, my son is still spending time at this girls house. And when he is not there, she is calling here.
I am getting a Personal Protection Order against her STAT..Nothing like putting a restraining order on a 10 year old,anything to stop the throws of 10 year old passion. And when I saw passion, I mean watching Disney Channel and playing tag in her yard.
That's how it starts. An innocent game of tag and it leads to a hot game of spin the bottle. Trust me, I know...
No Thank You.
Oh and Boo is refusing to wear under garments. And by under garments I am referring to underwear.
I finally got her to put some on today. You would of thought I was asking her to slit her own throat.
Blondie and I went to go see Shrek. Spiderman was better.
Ok, I have to tend to some things here.
Yes, I do tend to things. Good God.
Have a peaceful easy feeling weekend.
Posted by eyes_only4him at 9:01:00 PM
Thursday, May 17, 2007
I got a call while at work from my mother. I had to go pick The Boy up from school. I guess he got sand kicked in his eyes and they thought he was going to go blind or die or something of that sort.
To make a long story short, he can see...AND he is alive.
Praise Lord almighty.
He sure was seeing well enough to make the trek to his lady friends house..
My dad and his bride are coming next week. They will be here for Memorial Weekend. I don't have any big plans for them, as this state/city has nothing to offer but lakes full of chiggers, some grazing turtles,pelicans,bald eagles,swans, and last but not least...cooters.
And to top it off, they want to stay at a hotel, not here. I am not sure why...They told me we don't want to put you out....
I think they must of caught wind of my lactating dog, cat pissing on my clothes and my house smelling like pine sol.
Ok, that's all I have.
Which is not much, sadly to say..
My apologies to you and yours.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
My yeast infection seems to be under control. From all the itching and scratching I have been doing you would of thought I was a pro baseball player, only without the chewing and spitting,just lots of balls scratching and crotch grabbing.
Ok you can get that disgusting visual out of your minds now...thank you in advance.
But thankfully, that has all subsided.
A girl has been calling here. Asking for The Boy. I have not been here when such calls have come in , because holy shit, I need to work so we have a phone for the boy chaser to call, and she has invited him over each night. And he has accepted such invites.
I am getting a tad worried.
He sat with her on the bus on the way to their field trip today. He sits with her at lunch. He likes to go play at her house, and watch tv at her house.
Holyshit, I hope they aren't married yet.
My dog is finally out of the closet and has stopped lactating. I was sure I was going to have to find her a nursing bra, but she seems to be dried up now.
For a dog whom is a virgin, she sure made us think she was knocked up. What a bad doggie.
My cat is still pissing in my room. I am going to kill her.
Now that I have the fire out in my underwear, I should wash them.
Monday, May 14, 2007
Let me start off saying that my luck has indeed run its course. As I knew it would, it always does.
For starters, I woke up Saturday with a raging yeast infection, yes yes TMI I know, but it feels better to get it off my chest. For those of you who have never had the joy of experiencing such things, this is sort of what your cooter/hoo-haw feels like..
See, its the Pillsbury Dough Boy...on fire, get it...
Ok Moving on...
The swelling is starting to go down in my ankle and my leg...see..
Still a tad swollen and bruised, well its more swollen then bruised I guess, but I did manage to mow the lawn Sunday...and walk 10 miles...
When it was a blazing 102 degrees...Look, see for yourself.
It was nice...I like it hot, but whilst on my 10 mile walk, I over heated, I drank my ice cold water, even before I got to the lake. At one point I was so hot, I filled my bottle with lake water and poured it down my pants,shirt,bra and over my head..
desperate times, call for desperate measures. I was thisclose to drinking the damn lake water. I mean thisclose.
My head is still pounding from the whole sorted ordeal.
My turtle/cooter rescue is coming along well. I saved a few over the weekend. I am slowly making my mark in the turtle world.
Creatures who carry shells as their homes, love me.
God speed my fine shelled friends, God speed.
Oh, I got my new glasses Saturday. See...
Do I look smarter, or like a stripper?
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Being a responsible parent , you are encouraged to give your kids a pat on the back for getting 100% on a test or homework. Normally I give The Boy violent threats, to get him motivated to do good in school. Nothing out of the ordinary, just
if u don't pass this test, I will kill the dog
if u don't do your homework, I will cut your pinkie off
if u don't do pass this test I will drill a hole in your skull..
and yadda yadda yadda...
So he did a very tricky thing to me...He asked me if he got 100 on his spelling test Friday, if I would take him to see this..
Being the wretched mom I am, I have taken him to see every Spider Man movie since they have been coming out. So why should he think we would not be going?
He does not get the fact I can not walk, let alone hobble down a dark movie aisle with a mega popcorn and a ultra big dt coke...It wont happen...I will spill it. Hell no, I am not going to risk it.
So I told him we would go ONLY if he got 100 on his test.
All day, I kept hoping that just THIS ONE time he would get one wrong. I was actually wishing for my kid to flunk. Who the hell does that?
So while I was at work, I kept thinking about it, when it got to be 3 o'clock I called home, to see if he passed.
Of course, he did.
hello kid, did u see my damn foot and ankle? hello? am I invisible?
so, tonight I took him to see it. And we walked there. Now my ankle is hurting worse then ever..
Its ok, I have popped about 4 Vicoden since I been home...its all good now..Don't fret.
I must say though, it was a pretty great movie..I have seen all three Spiderman movies in the big cinema...And this one, is by far the best ever.
And according to the boy..and I quote..
this was the best movie I have ever seen, and not only, but its the best action movie ever, even better then Star Wars Episode 3...
so that's his review of it, and no, he is not a professional movie critic, hard to believe I know.
Anyway, my ankle is healing nicely, I have some feeling back in my toes, and the swelling has went down enough where I can get socks on..
things are looking up for ole Bossy.
My dog is not knocked up
My son is smart, even when i want him to flunk
My ankle is healing
Mr shaky is talking to me again, only cuz the dog isn't with children
I did not spill my popcorn at the show
Its hot outside
See, things are looking up...
Oh and there is a city wide garage sale Saturday. I have never really been garage saleing before..
I am looking for some treasures.
Hopefully I don't buy anything that has lice of flea eggs in it.
My luck can not be good forever.
Have a great weekend..
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Editors note at bottom
Ok....I have a brief post here..
First up, we are pretty sure my dog is with children so I am in the shitter with Mr Shaky.
Then at work I went on a little jaunt with my friend to her house so she could get her dinner, whilst stepping out of her van, I did a number on my ankle.
There was a snap, and I went down.
I have a cast and on crutches.
For those of u keeping tally..I did this two summers ago, and posted graphic pics.
This time it snapped...Not pretty.
So I am laid up, and my dog has been laid.
But I do have vicoden.
My dog is NOT with children. Took her to the vet, they did blood work, she is having a false preganacy. She is even lactiating..I mean milk is coming from her dog boobs. Vet said it should go away in about a week.
Lord have mercy.
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Starting today our McDonald's closes until August. Under normal circumstances this would not bother me. They don't have anyone working there that knows English, they get my order wrong EVERY time, and there is not an attractive person whom works there. In fact, today when Boo and I went for our last hoo-rah, the girl who took our order was not only missing some teeth, but had two huge ass hickeys on both sides of her neck. Now when I was in middle school, sporting hickeys was cool. when your over 30 and your career is working the take out window and McDonald's, it does not look so cute.
Anyway, its closing until August, they are tearing it down and re-building. I am a tad mordified because recently I have become and addict. Not to the fries, the burgers or anything of that nature. I am a Cinnomelt whore. I admit it. There its out. And now for 3 months I am going to be going thru withdrawls, so if I seem edgy or bitchy, this is why people..
Another thing pissing me off, we have a Wal-mart about to open. You all know I LOATH Wal-mart. sonofabitch.
My dog , she wont come out of the closet..I don't mean she is gay, I mean she literally wont come out of the closet..
We have even had to move her food there, and she wont even go potty. I take her outside, she runs to the door and then right for the closet. I think she is sick. Saturday night she kept whining and barking all night, until Mr shaky opened the closet. She just sat and whined in front of the closet door. Then when he opened it, she went in and has not left since. Then I thought maybe her winter coat was bothering her, she had collected some mats in her fur over winter, and was in need of a shave. Every spring we get her a clean shave from our groomer..then she is nice and cool for spring and summer. Well my groomer has moved out of town, so I had to take matters in my own hands...
After her trips to the groomer she always hid in the laundry baskets in the laundry room, so this is not surprising me, but she was wanting to be in the closet BEFORE her hair cut. Mr Shaky is worried she is um, with child.. I on the other hand don't think so. She is not fixed because I have been tossing around in the back of my head to breed her, she is a pedigree, and I could get a lot for her pups..But not if she went and got knocked up by the neighborhood man slut. I don't know, I don't think she is..I hope not anyway.
If she is, I wouldn't even know how long she has been..She is a small dog, and I am not sure how I tell if she is...screw it..
These are my flip flops I bought at target for 4.99..
So no cinnamelts for three months, and my dog wont come out of the closet.
Things cant gt any worse can they?