Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Warning, I am on the computer that is missing a letter..the one between E and G...*or you retards, I will wait while u sing the alphabet in your heads...
ok, on we go..
* that will be in place o* said letter
So the birthday festivities went pretty well...She is 4 now. Holy shit.
When I look at her baby photos, my uterus aches...it badly wants a companion living inside it or a short period equalling less then one year, but it wont be getting one.
that would mean no drinking or nine *ull months, and I can not risk it..
Here are some pics o* her..
does she look 4?...Does my uterus look lonely?
Look, we are posing...she loves me, and my uterus is smiling too, I know you can not see it..
She looks very special in that pic...as I told you, she will be riding the short bus a*terall.
Messy girls...I did have to hose them down.
Reason number 40 my uterus weeps....
I am getting pumped *or my slut *est...I mean De* Leppard concert on Monday.
I have my dew rag all picked out, my thong, my lip gloss, sunglasses, and my deodorant.
Notice I did not say..
Here are some pics o* me and my buddies..
she was being a smart ass....she really does not have a permanent scowl on her *ace.
yeah so...there we are...Nothing like having pals who come and have a hoe down, all *or your 4 year olds birthday.
My new Shick Intuition is working pretty well. I am down to my last *ree trail blade, a*ter this, I am going to have to break down and buy one. But we all know I can not do that until I get my nice *Fancy, state issued unemployment debit card...I can not wait to run that bitch thru the *first cashier line at Walmart...that is high class there..top notch.
I think I might dye my hair pink..
Well, I wont be around much the next couple days.
I am ironing and packing my slut clothes
I am mowing my lawn
I am trying to console my uterus
I am going to get *fitted *or a diaphram, IUD, stocking up on condoms.
Be*ore I do something really, really stupid.
And we all know...I do really stupid things.
Holy shit,,,spell check accutally repaired some o my letter delima.
and spell check.
Monday, August 27, 2007
So, I had Shaky go up to the USPS office to gather my mail that I have been missing.
Turns out...it was not my mail after all. So this is going on like week 4....I do not get it. So it looks as though I may be going up there to bust some balls. With my steel toed flip flops.
Over this weekend, I did nothing. Nothing . I mean, I mowed the lawn, weed whacked, trimmed the hedges..(um, outside and, um..in, if u get my drift) I also re-arranged my living room and also the dining room..
I got a thumbs up on all my trimmings...
On HBO Saturday I saw that good ole Bob Saget had a comedy special. Now I do have experience in this field, and I rather do fancy myself an expert. I thought this would be a good show, I love watching stand up acts and thought his might be funny, or entertaining slightly.
Well he used the word fuck like every other word. Now I do throw those four letter words out, from time to time. I fancy myself an expert in this field as well..as well as shit, asshole, bastard and poop-stain...so I am in no place to judge.
But he was using the F bomb like every other word, and I kid you not, in some cases it did not even make any sense, it was as though he was saying it just so he could say it. And I do not think that is funny. Like his mom and dad were not home and he was showing off to his buddies that he can curse..
cause he is a big boy now.
He was not funny. And I like to give comics the benefit of the doubt..Give them another chance, but I could not even watch the whole thing as none of it made any sense, and if I wanted to hear the F-bomb, I would just turn off the tele and talk.
Look, my kids made a city...
I have asked the contractors, and I will be getting a McDonald's.
And I found something in my Boys toys that has troubled me. It is a female action figure. But if you notice, where her boobs are, the paint it rubbed off.
I mean is he trying to see some nipple action or what? Should I just go buy him his first nudey magazine? Is he ready for his first lap dance?
I just don't know....
I know one day he will wake up with whiskers, pubic hair and a voice like Kathleen Turner, but damn...It seems its happening to fast.
I need to go hide the Barbie Dolls.
Friday, August 24, 2007
Its just sickening....
I check the nice US Government website that is set up for people like me who were screwed up the waa-zoo and are now jobless..and waiting for their unemployment..
Says its still pending. How can it be pending after nearly three weeks? My former employer sent us all up there, said they were not going to fight any of it..so..
This is another reason I think forming my own government would be a wise move.
The State/country would run much smoother under my guidelines and rules.
I am not bragging, I am just stating facts. Pure facts people.
Its a damn good thing I am not a single mom who was living paycheck to paycheck and waiting for this free money to be had. I would have no TP to decorate the post office as I would not have two dimes to rub together.
I want my money. I want to hold my unemployment credit card in my hands. Smell it. Lick it. Use it.
I had big plans for this windfall. And now the state is screwing me again.
Not only do they NOT have Secretary of State Offices where I can get a state licence in a timely fashion, I cant get my money..
and for those of you wondering, no...I still have no MN drivers lic. I mean here in my town you can only take the test on TUESDAY between 8 and 10 am..no shit...oh and at the National Guard office..
i cant make this stuff up folks..
So there I go, driving on my Michigan licence, praying I don't get pulled over anymore cause I don't think I have enough lip gloss to get me out of that one again.
So I go to check my mail, hoping for one of two things.
*shit from granny
I got none.
But I did get this.
in the corner it says final notice..how can this be my final notice when this is my ONLY notice.
When I talked to the douche bag at the Post Office yesterday he said I had NO mail there. SO if I have NO mail there, then how the hell do I have mail waiting for me?
So I guess tomorrow I am going to walk up to the USPS and ask how I can have mail waiting that I don't have.
I am going to ask him why he lied to me.
I am going to put on a big production, you can count on that.
And if its not the letter from granny or the stuff my Krazymom...There will be words, maybe break out in fist a cuffs.
I may or not be arrested. I just hope I do not get thrown in the cell with them big Indian girls who wanted to kill me when I worked there.
And let me tell you..Big Indian Girls get mad when little blonde headed bitches like myself take away there TV for a week...
I think they threaten the life of my first born.
But since its a govt crime..assaulting or verbally abusing a postal employee, they may just throw Federal charges and in that case, I will be going to prison.
Here's hoping anyway.
So here is me..waiting...
Oh and I have a nasty case of gas too...
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Have you ever had a shooting pain that ran up your uterus then back down your leg and landed in your big toe..?
I have you ever doubled over in pain with every step?
Unless you wear tampons monthly, you have no idea what I speak of.
I can not even wear a pair of trouser's..yes I said trouser..as I can not get them buttoned without some sort of reinforcement.
I am a proud woman and I do not like begging men and small children to help me zip my fly.
Although I have no issue whatsoever sending ole Shaky out to purchase my tampons.
I need someone to come rip my uterus out....thank you.
I will get my first unemployment payment by Wednesday. They issue these fancy credit card like things...Its so everyone can point out who are the losers who can not keep a job whilst waiting in the cashier line at Target..
Living off the state may have its perks..although I have not found any, but they sure as shit make it known that you are...
Not my fault I worked for a bunch of heartless wenches who took it upon themselves to let go of four good people because we were asking where our benefits were..
I have never really been fired from a real job...I have quit jobs..for various reasons..such as, but not limited too..
*the smell of dead people makes me sick
*the sight if dead people makes me sicker
* being told to do and or say things that was against my religion..or whatever.
*I was lazy and just didn't wanna work
* I felt like jabbing toe nail clippers into the eyes of my co-workers.
the list goes on and on...
This is me...waiting for my state funded income..
Its hard to believe I once wore power suits and did power points at one time..
I think I might buy me some fancy lawn decorations with my first payment..
never too early to start getting the yard ready for Christmas..might as well get a go on it while the sun still shines..right?
I would fit right in with the other members of the county/state whom get paid living off the state aide..
technically though, most of my income still comes from the crazy house...so maybe I should not go full onboard Christmas...just maybe start Halloween now.
Boo will have a birthday next week. She will be four.
I asked her today if she remembered living in my tummy, to my surprise she did remember.
She told me it was really dark in there.
Proof enough for me she remembers.
Monday, August 20, 2007
Friday was a great day...I woke up at the crack of 9am, woke the kids up, shoved them in my cool as shit mom wheels and drove up the block to our freshly built McDonald's..
I had been experiencing weird symptoms since they tore it down in May to re-build..
Night sweats, fatigue, head aches, pelvic pain, diarrhea...
oh wait, that might be just from stress of being fired..never mind..
All I can say is...my nice hot cinnomelt was better then ever. And it went right to my hips as I was chewing it .
Thats ok....I don't mind taking one for the team...or 20 as it may end being....
I went out with some friends Saturday night...got a tad tipsy, got my groove on..on the dance floor anyway, and just hung with strangers ...
I have some pics, no, not boob shots either..
Those are my pals who were canned with me....we all got our walking papers, for being good employee's.
So we all had a good time..with exposing no booby's...sorry dudes.
I did have a few guys tell me how smokin hot I was...
yea yea, I know..
My son weighs 93 pounds now. He is 10 and entering the 5th grade. He will get pubes soon.
I tell him his hair probably weighs a good 20 pounds of that..
Look, see for yourself..
See, Dorothy Hamil/Jon Bon Jovi....
and he just can not pull it off...not with a tractor and a wagon he cant pull it off..
I do not like how his hair touches his shoulder....it aint right, not right at all.
Well, I am going to go dig coins out from the couch cushions and get some cinnomelts. Since I am unemployed I can not go spending real life dollars...its gotta be change..no one will miss change.
Guess maybe I better go find a job....McDonald's AND Walmart are both hiring.
Friday, August 17, 2007
Thursday, August 16, 2007
warning..I am using the computer that does not have the letter that comes between E and G in the alphabet..I will put a * in replacement..mmmmkay?..
I drove past the rodent I killed yesterday. He did look at peace, I suppose that's good..Right? But I mean everyone looks at peace when rigomortis sets in.
My Blondie , pictured here..
is somehow becoming an entrepreneur...Her and her little *riend *rom across the street set up a stand in the yard selling shit.
Wanna know what they were selling?
who the hell sells that?...I believe she told me they were selling them *or 50 cents a piece...
Nothing like scalping the neighbors.
Gotta love kids....they always seem to think they have damn good ideas, when really they are nothing more the *ruitull indiocy.
Its great...And I hope they get out there in the early AM and start up shop once again, because momma ain't got no job, and neither does the girl's mom *rom across the street...She was canned too, *rom the same damn place....
My sons hair is getting creepingly long...he sorta looks like a cross between Dorthy Hamill and Jon Bon Jovi...and its not a good mix.
Mr Shaky seems to think we should let him keep it this way, as he *eels good about himsel* with his hair like that, even though I think he looks like a jackass.
So I am not sure i* I will let him keep his locks...or *orce him to buzz it as i* he were joining boot camp..
I really don't like him looking like a jackass...
I have a question...have u ever heard the phrase.." in a coons age"
I will give u some examples..
"gosh I ain't seen jimmy in a coons age."
"gosh I ain't been sober in a coons age."
ok..what the hell does that mean?
I don't get it...so you see where my kids get their retardeness *rom..
their retarded mother.
And to cleari*y things...when I posted yesterday about the 100 bucks a month *or Boos pre school..I was not meaning it was pricey, Lord knows it isn't..
I just think it *unny when I have no job...AND it was only 70 bucks three years ago when Blondie went..
but it gets her ass out o* the house or 2.5 hours three days a week..
I might be willing to pay 300 or more *or that..
I cant wait until I am living o** the state....Unemployment is gonna be great....
Nothing like living a dream....Making money *or blogging...
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
I might have a new job.....I was approached.....I will see what happens..but I was SOOO looking forward to collecting unemployment until the funds run dry,
I ran over a baby squirrel. Its dead. I killed it.
I am paying 100 bucks a month for Boo to go to pre school..I am not sure she is worth it...I am living on a fixed income now..
ok, not really, but it could be boozing money, stripper money, tattoo money...u get the point..
but is she worth it....
I think not.....
I can teach her to wipe her ass, draw houses and stick people, and learn her to trace her letters....
She will be going into Kindergarten next year....
I want her to stay my happy little retard forever..
Her birthday is the 29th...she will be 4...
Did I tell u I killed a squirrel?
its been a bad day all round..
I can still see the little bastard flipping around in the middle of the highway.
God speed little rodent...God speed..