Friday, August 31, 2007




May Result in...



if you never hear from me again..

.means I was either arrested, or got run over by their tour bus..

Rock on...

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

talk dirty to me

Warning, I am on the computer that is missing a letter..the one between E and G...*or you retards, I will wait while u sing the alphabet in your heads...



ok, on we go..

* that will be in place o* said letter

So the birthday festivities went pretty well...She is 4 now. Holy shit.

When I look at her baby photos, my uterus badly wants a companion living inside it or a short period equalling less then one year, but it wont be getting one.

that would mean no drinking or nine *ull months, and I can not risk it..

Here are some pics o* her..

does she look 4?...Does my uterus look lonely?

Look, we are posing...she loves me, and my uterus is smiling too, I know you can not see it..

She looks very special in that I told you, she will be riding the short bus a*terall.

Messy girls...I did have to hose them down.

Reason number 40 my uterus weeps....


I am getting pumped *or my slut *est...I mean De* Leppard concert on Monday.

I have my dew rag all picked out, my thong, my lip gloss, sunglasses, and my deodorant.

Notice I did not say..



taste*ul clothes.


Here are some pics o* me and my buddies..

she was being a smart ass....she really does not have a permanent scowl on her *ace.




yeah so...there we are...Nothing like having pals who come and have a hoe down, all *or your 4 year olds birthday.


My new Shick Intuition is working pretty well. I am down to my last *ree trail blade, a*ter this, I am going to have to break down and buy one. But we all know I can not do that until I get my nice *Fancy, state issued unemployment debit card...I can not wait to run that bitch thru the *first cashier line at Walmart...that is high class notch.


I think I might dye my hair pink..

Well, I wont be around much the next couple days.

I am ironing and packing my slut clothes

I am mowing my lawn

I am trying to console my uterus

I am going to get *fitted *or a diaphram, IUD, stocking up on condoms.

Be*ore I do something really, really stupid.

And we all know...I do really stupid things.

Holy shit,,,spell check accutally repaired some o my letter delima.

thank you my Lord and Savior..

and spell check.


The best of both worlds

It seems my daughter, my baby daughter...has turned 4 years old on me. Something just feels so wrong about it.

In the last year she has accomplished many things..

*she can talk...holy shit, I can understand 90% of what she says now. if you can get thru her studdering...God bless her cotton socks

*she can wipe her own ass...this was a big one..

*she does not need her toilet seat for on top of the shitter anymore, her ass is big enough and her arm muslces are strong enough to hold her up...yippee for her.

*she can unbuckle her own seat belt, although she sometimes does it at the wrong time, such as when we are in the drivethru anywhere.

She is growing up, and although its painful for me, I know its good for her.

This time last year she was a Wiggle addict. I did not mind because, holy shit, have you seen the blue Wiggle?...I mean he is dreamy, and has an accent to boot.

Now she is all about Hannah Montana. But the scary thing with this is, I sit and watch the show, and think...when the hell did Billy Ray Cyrus get good looking?

Its hard for me..

We own every Hanna cd...ok...her only cd...but we listen to it nightly.

Here are some shots of my baby girl.




She is kinda cute....

She has a lot of common sense, but lacking in the book sense dept..

for instance....she can not spell or write her own name..

she can not count much past...well...17..

she thinks M,N,O,P are all ONE letter in the alphabet..

She will be riding the short bus this year to nursery school, I just hope she gets smarter so they let her in Kindergarten next year.

She also has quite a gift for song and dance. But you will just have to take my word for it. She has Mad Skills

My baby is four, she starts school, she wipes her own ass, she has hair down to her genitals, and she is cute.

She loves cheese sticks, spaghetti and chicken nuggets from The Golden Arches. Her arteries will thank me later.

Blondie bought her a 15 dollar toy for a buck...from the girl she was selling one dollar Graham cracker squares with..seems my girl is the brains of that operation.

I tell Shaky I need another I get a warm fuzzy feeling looking at the old baby pictures.

He told me he is going to get one of the baby dolls that cry like a real baby..the ones they make teen girls take home for a school projects to detour them from pre-marital sex.

I told him it might be a good idea...but to get me an ugly one.

Happy Birthday Boo....

being 4 kicks ass...

or so I am assuming..

Monday, August 27, 2007

Rub me the right way

So, I had Shaky go up to the USPS office to gather my mail that I have been missing.

Turns was not my mail after all. So this is going on like week 4....I do not get it. So it looks as though I may be going up there to bust some balls. With my steel toed flip flops.


Over this weekend, I did nothing. Nothing . I mean, I mowed the lawn, weed whacked, trimmed the hedges..(um, outside and,, if u get my drift) I also re-arranged my living room and also the dining room..

I got a thumbs up on all my trimmings...


On HBO Saturday I saw that good ole Bob Saget had a comedy special. Now I do have experience in this field, and I rather do fancy myself an expert. I thought this would be a good show, I love watching stand up acts and thought his might be funny, or entertaining slightly.

Well he used the word fuck like every other word. Now I do throw those four letter words out, from time to time. I fancy myself an expert in this field as well as shit, asshole, bastard and I am in no place to judge.

But he was using the F bomb like every other word, and I kid you not, in some cases it did not even make any sense, it was as though he was saying it just so he could say it. And I do not think that is funny. Like his mom and dad were not home and he was showing off to his buddies that he can curse..

cause he is a big boy now.

He was not funny. And I like to give comics the benefit of the doubt..Give them another chance, but I could not even watch the whole thing as none of it made any sense, and if I wanted to hear the F-bomb, I would just turn off the tele and talk.


Look, my kids made a city...

I have asked the contractors, and I will be getting a McDonald's.

And I found something in my Boys toys that has troubled me. It is a female action figure. But if you notice, where her boobs are, the paint it rubbed off.


I mean is he trying to see some nipple action or what? Should I just go buy him his first nudey magazine? Is he ready for his first lap dance?

I just don't know....

I know one day he will wake up with whiskers, pubic hair and a voice like Kathleen Turner, but damn...It seems its happening to fast.

I need to go hide the Barbie Dolls.

Friday, August 24, 2007


Its just sickening....

I check the nice US Government website that is set up for people like me who were screwed up the waa-zoo and are now jobless..and waiting for their unemployment..

Says its still pending. How can it be pending after nearly three weeks? My former employer sent us all up there, said they were not going to fight any of


This is another reason I think forming my own government would be a wise move.

The State/country would run much smoother under my guidelines and rules.

I am not bragging, I am just stating facts. Pure facts people.

Its a damn good thing I am not a single mom who was living paycheck to paycheck and waiting for this free money to be had. I would have no TP to decorate the post office as I would not have two dimes to rub together.

I want my money. I want to hold my unemployment credit card in my hands. Smell it. Lick it. Use it.

I had big plans for this windfall. And now the state is screwing me again.

Not only do they NOT have Secretary of State Offices where I can get a state licence in a timely fashion, I cant get my money..

and for those of you wondering, no...I still have no MN drivers lic. I mean here in my town you can only take the test on TUESDAY between 8 and 10 shit...oh and at the National Guard office..

i cant make this stuff up folks..

So there I go, driving on my Michigan licence, praying I don't get pulled over anymore cause I don't think I have enough lip gloss to get me out of that one again.

So I go to check my mail, hoping for one of two things.

*shit from granny


I got none.

But I did get this.


in the corner it says final can this be my final notice when this is my ONLY notice.

When I talked to the douche bag at the Post Office yesterday he said I had NO mail there. SO if I have NO mail there, then how the hell do I have mail waiting for me?

So I guess tomorrow I am going to walk up to the USPS and ask how I can have mail waiting that I don't have.

I am going to ask him why he lied to me.

I am going to put on a big production, you can count on that.

And if its not the letter from granny or the stuff my Krazymom...There will be words, maybe break out in fist a cuffs.

not sure.

I may or not be arrested. I just hope I do not get thrown in the cell with them big Indian girls who wanted to kill me when I worked there.

And let me tell you..Big Indian Girls get mad when little blonde headed bitches like myself take away there TV for a week...

I think they threaten the life of my first born.

But since its a govt crime..assaulting or verbally abusing a postal employee, they may just throw Federal charges and in that case, I will be going to prison.

Here's hoping anyway.

So here is me..waiting...




Oh and I have a nasty case of gas too...

Thursday, August 23, 2007

slow down, hold on, much to fast

Dear United States Postal Service,

This is a formal complaint from me to you. I have not sent a formal letter even when you left Christmas packages on a porch in the pouring rain and I did not see it for two weeks. Not sure why you did not leave it on the front porch..still boggles my mind to this day.

I did not complain when I was expecting a package and find it weeks later in my garage with no letter saying..hey dumb ass, I didn't feel like knocking on your door, soI threw your 500 dollar guitar in the garage next to the empty pop cans and nudey magazines...

ok, before Shaky has a fit, there really are no nudey there.

So now I am deeply troubled. You see, my poor granny bird sent me some shit thru the mail, because holy shit, you can not fit worldly possessions thru the damn email she doesn't have an email..

She sent it out two weeks ago and you have yet to deliver it. Not sure if your post men are on strike or if my out of control grass is scaring them.

So today after checking my mail, two things pissed me off.

*no unemployment card...which is not your fault, but I am still blaming u.

*no shit from grandma

So I call your office and ask where my shit is.

have u been getting mail?

if you mean are you delivering my bills in a timely fashion, yes, I am getting mail. If you mean am I getting important stuff that my granny sent me...then no..I am NOT getting my mail.

I am going to put you on hold and see if we have anything here..

Good idea chap...

mam, nothing here

so how to you propose I get my shit ?

well, if whom ever sent it, did not pay full postage, it would of went back..

yes, no shit...are you saying my grandma is a retard and is not capable of walking into the post office and asking for correct postage?

no mam, just saying maybe she did not put enough on.

no sir, she did...the post office took care of it...

well mam, as soon as we get it, you will get it.

hmm, are you sure about that?

yes mam, you have my word..

thats how it went down.

What I don't get,dear postal service,is how my mother can send something to Virgina, a box of shit...and it gets there in three days.

My granny sends something, nothing bigger then a large envelope and you cant get it here in two weeks time?

Oh Mr post man, I am also waiting on something from another human other then granny...which was sent about the same time..

Not sure if its some sort of conspiracay against me...or if its the fact its all coming from Michigan..Maybe your still sore the Tigers whomped your asses last year during the baseball season..

I don't know...but I need my shit.

I am really coming to terms with what "going postal" really means..because holy shit..I am thisclose to throwing rocks thru your windows tonight.

Maybe even getting a fresh roll of TP and decorating .






Not sure how you plan on rectifying your wrong doings...But I have a few suggestions.

*don't send me crap I don't want..including junk mail and bills

*if any mail comes thru that looks like gifts or cards that may contain money and you can not read the address, just bring it here.

*make sure my unemployment shit comes today....or your gonna pay.

u can take that as a threat if you want

*stop bringing those books my son gets monthly...I am tired of paying for them.

*and last, but not least....I want all postal workers who deliver my mail to wear a postal uniform, what the hell is with the ones who wear street clothes?

So there you have it....If you are willing to comply with my demands, I may or may not throw rocks and pebbles at your windows.

And stop calling my grandma a retard, or I will kick your balls in.


Flip Flop Momma, and I do have steel toed flops so kicking in your balls is still a go.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Wild Side

As my luck would have it, I had a disturbing visitor today.

Not disturbing in a missing an eye, or black teeth kinda disturbing...its what she told me that was the disturbing part.

Now me, I have the attention span of a zygote, and I willing admit it. But when she said this four letter word, my ears perked up like a werewolf on a full moon night.

I knew I would have to deal with it sooner or later, as I went and procreated...and all little snot noses go thru this at one time or another.

This was the conversation

knock knock....

ME:someone answer the door..

BLONDIE:mom, its sallysues mom.. are u

SALLYSUES MOM:good good...just wanted to let you know that sallysue has, um, head lice.

ME:shit..what?...she was here all day yesterday..shit...did u say lice...motherfucker tell me you didn't say lice...shit..

SSM:yes...she picked it up at daycare...sorry about that..

ME:shit, lice you say right? Have you seen Boos hair? dangles to her genital area..

SSM:well, go ahead and treat them, I would, just to be safe..I am sure you guys don't have it, but just to be safe..

ME:wait...shit..u said lice right?...or did u say she left her dice her?..dice right?..let me go look, I will find them so u can leave...because you sure as shit did not tell me your kid has lice...

this is about how it went down...

and after reflection, I have come to terms with the fact she said lice..

So, I looked thru Blondies hair, I don't see any..But I am too scared to look thru Boo's hair..

On the plus side, if The Boy has it...its a good excuse to have his hair cut.

I am not what you would consider a bug lover..I mean I realize all God's creatures are special and are here on this Earth for a reason...but I will give you four bugs and you tell me thier roll in the eco- system..if you can, I shant bitch anymore about the possible lice in my dwelling..






nope, didn't think so.

Flies puke on you when they land, plus their last stop before your food or arm was a pile of shit somewhere.

Mosquito's, well...they draw your blood, run some sort of tests on you...then BAM..give u west nile or the bird flu or whatever Herpes.gonoreah...I don't know.

Lice..well...ever since I heard the word, my head is itchy...

Fleas, well....not only are they hard as hell to kill, they multiply by the see one in your home and you might as well count on one million for every ONE you see.

So now I am washing bedding, having the kids bath in bleach and and ammonia..just to be sure to kill anything...yes sure, there skin is pealing off and they are barely breathing because of the toxic fumes, but son of a gun, no one has bugs..


So after that, I decided that I will spend my first unemployment payment on drinking supplies.

I mean, after the summer i have had a month away from mom, in laws, grandpa meeting the big man in the sky, just being me in genral, rehab is just calling my name.





So, can anyone top this day?

Oh and my uterus is still leaking,oh and I have a zit, and I am having a bad hair day...

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

I want to know what love is......I want u to show me

Have you ever had a shooting pain that ran up your uterus then back down your leg and landed in your big toe..?

I have you ever doubled over in pain with every step?

Unless you wear tampons monthly, you have no idea what I speak of.

I can not even wear a pair of trouser's..yes I said I can not get them buttoned without some sort of reinforcement.

I am a proud woman and I do not like begging men and small children to help me zip my fly.

Although I have no issue whatsoever sending ole Shaky out to purchase my tampons.

I need someone to come rip my uterus out....thank you.


I will get my first unemployment payment by Wednesday. They issue these fancy credit card like things...Its so everyone can point out who are the losers who can not keep a job whilst waiting in the cashier line at Target..

Living off the state may have its perks..although I have not found any, but they sure as shit make it known that you are...

Not my fault I worked for a bunch of heartless wenches who took it upon themselves to let go of four good people because we were asking where our benefits were..

I have never really been fired from a real job...I have quit jobs..for various reasons..such as, but not limited too..

*the smell of dead people makes me sick

*the sight if dead people makes me sicker

* being told to do and or say things that was against my religion..or whatever.

*I was lazy and just didn't wanna work

* I felt like jabbing toe nail clippers into the eyes of my co-workers.

the list goes on and on...


This is me...waiting for my state funded income..


Its hard to believe I once wore power suits and did power points at one time..

I think I might buy me some fancy lawn decorations with my first payment..

never too early to start getting the yard ready for Christmas..might as well get a go on it while the sun still shines..right?

I would fit right in with the other members of the county/state whom get paid living off the state aide..

technically though, most of my income still comes from the crazy maybe I should not go full onboard Christmas...just maybe start Halloween now.


Boo will have a birthday next week. She will be four.

I asked her today if she remembered living in my tummy, to my surprise she did remember.

She told me it was really dark in there.

Proof enough for me she remembers.

Monday, August 20, 2007

and on the 8th day..God made..

Friday was a great day...I woke up at the crack of 9am, woke the kids up, shoved them in my cool as shit mom wheels and drove up the block to our freshly built McDonald's..

I had been experiencing weird symptoms since they tore it down in May to re-build..

Night sweats, fatigue, head aches, pelvic pain, diarrhea...

oh wait, that might be just from stress of being fired..never mind..

All I can say nice hot cinnomelt was better then ever. And it went right to my hips as I was chewing it .

Thats ok....I don't mind taking one for the team...or 20 as it may end being....


I went out with some friends Saturday a tad tipsy, got my groove on..on the dance floor anyway, and just hung with strangers ...

I have some pics, no, not boob shots either..

Those are my pals who were canned with me....we all got our walking papers, for being good employee's.

So we all had a good time..with exposing no booby's...sorry dudes.

I did have a few guys tell me how smokin hot I was...

yea yea, I know..


My son weighs 93 pounds now. He is 10 and entering the 5th grade. He will get pubes soon.

I tell him his hair probably weighs a good 20 pounds of that..

Look, see for yourself..


See, Dorothy Hamil/Jon Bon Jovi....

and he just can not pull it off...not with a tractor and a wagon he cant pull it off..

I do not like how his hair touches his aint right, not right at all.


Well, I am going to go dig coins out from the couch cushions and get some cinnomelts. Since I am unemployed I can not go spending real life dollars...its gotta be one will miss change.

Guess maybe I better go find a job....McDonald's AND Walmart are both hiring.

Hot damn.

Friday, August 17, 2007

Old Macdonald had a....

So, it seems when I told you Blondie and her friend were selling graham crackers for 50 cents, I was wrong...way wrong...

Look at this....this is their sign..

That's right, she was selling them for a buck....not even a whole cracker, but a half of a shit..

AND..someone bought one...

then with her new found buck hot in her pocket, she tracked down the ice cream truck and bought herself a snack..


I had two of my friends over for dinner...I made steak, tots, and one of the pals brought some corn on the cob. I have not had that all damn summer..and it was damn good....damn damn good..

Then after dinner we went out to where one of my pals has her horses, because Blondie wants to live on a farm and has wanted to ride one for some time..

Look, here she is..

and another..

Look, here is Boo and I petting a pony..

Here is Horse lady riding her stallion..

ok, the horses name is Ginny, so not a stallion...big deal.

Here is us three farm girls...






If Old MacDonald had a farm, he would chase us three with pitch forks off his property and call the cops cuz we woulda been trespassing..

I was going to show you a pic of The Boy's Dorothy Hamil/Jon Bon Jovi mess atop his head, but he spent the night at a friends house...

poor kid, he missed his one shot of getting his picture on the Internet.

Like I tell Mr Shaky, if you do not want your pic on the world wide web......

move out.


I am starting to not like this whole unemployed thing. My friend Dillyweed, (pictured above) was also she has nothing to do, she comes over everyday..and guess what we do?


I love her.....and I love the fact she doesn't mind coming here, sitting for hours with my kids and I...doingnothing.

My dream of living off state/federal aide is not as great as I once thought. I assumed that sitting here, being totally unproductive would be a good time.

For the first few days it was...then one day leads to another, then they kinda blend into together...I forget what day it is...

It seems like I have been out of work for a months..Sad thing is, its was only a week on Monday. Yet I am sure it must be October...I want to get the Halloween shit out, cause holy crap, I have been sitting here at home for a damn coons age..

wait...nope...its only been a week..


Plus I don't even know what the hell a coons age is.

so it may be a week..I don't know..

I want to have a kid and name it Frasier.

or a dog, or a rabbit....or a fly...
Moving on..
I am going out Saturday with Horse Girl and a few other friends, we are going to the VFW I guess there is a band playing...
I am not into seeing bar bands unless I am playing in it.
I have had this secret desire to be a rocker girl in a chic band..I want to be the drummer and singer, ya no kinda like Phil Collins in Genesis and Don Henley in The Eagles..I want me me me me.
Mind you, I have no idea how to hold a drum stick much less play one...
and when my kids hear me sing, they not only beg me to stop, but inquire about purchasing ear plugs with their allowance money.
I have always fancied drummers....they have nice arms....
I want to get my eyebrow pierced.
Ok, I am done..enough mundane crap no one gives two shits about..
I am out for the weekend..
Gonna try and form a girl band...
Big plans I tell you...BIG HUGE plans.
Rock on..

Thursday, August 16, 2007

oh well

warning..I am using the computer that does not have the letter that comes between E and G in the alphabet..I will put a * in replacement..mmmmkay?..

So, anyhoo...

I drove past the rodent I killed yesterday. He did look at peace, I suppose that's good..Right? But I mean everyone looks at peace when rigomortis sets in.

My Blondie , pictured here..


is somehow becoming an entrepreneur...Her and her little *riend *rom across the street set up a stand in the yard selling shit.

Wanna know what they were selling?

Graham Cracker.

who the hell sells that?...I believe she told me they were selling them *or 50 cents a piece...

Nothing like scalping the neighbors.

Gotta love kids....they always seem to think they have damn good ideas, when really they are nothing more the *ruitull indiocy.

Its great...And I hope they get out there in the early AM and start up shop once again, because momma ain't got no job, and neither does the girl's mom *rom across the street...She was canned too, *rom the same damn place....

bastards....*ucking bastards.

My sons hair is getting creepingly long...he sorta looks like a cross between Dorthy Hamill and Jon Bon Jovi...and its not a good mix.

Mr Shaky seems to think we should let him keep it this way, as he *eels good about himsel* with his hair like that, even though I think he looks like a jackass.

So I am not sure i* I will let him keep his locks...or *orce him to buzz it as i* he were joining boot camp..

I really don't like him looking like a jackass...

I have a question...have u ever heard the phrase.." in a coons age"

I will give u some examples..

"gosh I ain't seen jimmy in a coons age."


"gosh I ain't been sober in a coons age."

ok..what the hell does that mean?

I don't get you see where my kids get their retardeness *rom..

their retarded mother.

And to cleari*y things...when I posted yesterday about the 100 bucks a month *or Boos pre school..I was not meaning it was pricey, Lord knows it isn't..

I just think it *unny when I have no job...AND it was only 70 bucks three years ago when Blondie went..

Highway robbery..

but it gets her ass out o* the house or 2.5 hours three days a week..

I might be willing to pay 300 or more *or that..

I cant wait until I am living o** the state....Unemployment is gonna be great....

Nothing like living a dream....Making money *or blogging...


Wednesday, August 15, 2007


I might have a new job.....I was approached.....I will see what happens..but I was SOOO looking forward to collecting unemployment until the funds run dry,

I ran over a baby squirrel. Its dead. I killed it.

I am paying 100 bucks a month for Boo to go to pre school..I am not sure she is worth it...I am living on a fixed income now..

ok, not really, but it could be boozing money, stripper money, tattoo money...u get the point..

but is she worth it....


I think not.....

I can teach her to wipe her ass, draw houses and stick people, and learn her to trace her letters....

She will be going into Kindergarten next year....

I want her to stay my happy little retard forever..

Her birthday is the 29th...she will be 4...

Did I tell u I killed a squirrel?

its been a bad day all round..

I can still see the little bastard flipping around in the middle of the highway.

God speed little rodent...God speed..