Wednesday, May 31, 2006


My internet has been having some issues. Everytime I try to go to blogs it tells me the page can not be displayed, I cant check my mail, and I can not check my weight watchers points..yup, I am on the WW bandwagon. The whole thing seems very difficult to me. I just wish it was an easier system. I am so not in to checking what points value my turkey burger is..My points for a day is 20....I used 40..No kidding.

I still have 8 to spare..I may save them for something special, like maybe a grape..

I think I am going to device some tin cans and a piece of wire..Make my own internet. What bugs me is I will still have to pay for the last 5 days of mediocre internet service.

I was watching Last Comic Standing last night. I could so win that show..I have lots of material...Maybe one day..If your lucky, I mean really lucky, I will share it with you.

Of course I think I could win American Idol too...I am a very versatile artist..So get over it.

You know what I did yesterday? I called in sick to Target..Left scabby pants with no softline help....I am hoping if I mention Target enough times I will get fired. It seems when you blog about your crappy as$ job and less than desirable pay, they fire you..They totally throw that first amendment out the damn window..What the hell did our fore fathers invent such a law if we can not use it?. I am hoping it it does the trick for me though..Target..Target...You suck ass. Migrant workers who smuggle themselves in from south of the border make more an hour picking weeds out of the cotton fields than I do standing at your jewelry counter...Plus they get a potty breaks..Its like I am held prisoner. I cant leave my quarters unless someone like scabby says its ok...Scabby and Target...Suck...Donkey balls.

Well I better end this before my connection fails...I could not re type this. This is pure gold here.

Bee Real

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Living on the edge

This week's featured artist is Aerosmith..mmkay?

So I have had a busy holiday weekend. I worked everyday except Monday. It was well over 100 degrees on Saturday. It was truly magical.The air was so thick with humdity I could barley breath. It was a wonderful thing.

Sunday it was the same, 2 whole days in paradise. Monday it cooled down to a chilly 89 degrees, but I wont complain.

Monday we went to the Mall of America. I thought it would be packed, but really it was not. We tried to talk Blondie Bee into getting her ears peirced. But to know avail, I even threatend her with no food and water...her response..

" yea wight" is cute, she does not say right, its wight....its funny folks, trust me.

There was not much traffic, so I did not have much trouble getting around, I really hate driving in minneapolis...Its like what I invision hell to be like, only colder.

While at the mall my 11 year old cousin from New Mexico wanted to get her ears peireced. We went to Claires..Here in this state any one under the age of 18 has to be with a parent or they dont get a my aunt had to whip out her ID...The young lady doing the peircing on my cousin says " oh, are you from there?"..I am thinking that is a really stupid question, but then again my lisence says I live in I know its possiable for such things to be.

But its gets stranger from this point. She then says to my aunt..

" I knew this girl once who went there, she said everyone got arrested for dumb things and it was scarey there."

My aunt says.." um, thats Mexico sweety..I live in NEW Mexico.."

The girl than says " whats the differnce?"

Now this brings many questions for me...Is our public school system that bad off that ours kids are not learning all the 50 states,or what Mexcian people look like. It is clear looking at us, or heck , even hearing us speak that we are not from Mexico. I was going to give that girl my blog address so she could read up on the Mexcian culture..I know it very well....Too well maybe...not bad for a white girl I say.

I will share some pics with you.....I dont have much of a post today..I have been spending lots of time with my aunt and my cousin...I have not seen her since 1994...And she bought me a new pair of walking shoes..she told me the ones I had were just not good while at the mall she took me to The Sports Authorty and gots me some new walking shoes... I love my aunt..

Ok on to the picutre portion of this Gawd awful post..

ok, let me introduce you to these people...People..this is my aunt (in the blue) , my cousin ( in the black) mom..( in the pink...)..and my bees you know them already..ok lets move on..(no boo bee and mr shaky pants did not go with us..damn party poopers.)

this was just the view from the ferris wheel at the mall...

um, this is just Ikea....we parked by it..its much easier then dealing with the parking garage...

Just another view....It was such a pretty day..

The bees pouting on the way back to the are big fat whiny babies sometimes..thats all I am sayin..

This my friends is The World biggest ball of Twine built by one took 29 years to make..why?, dont ask me...but this is a big attraction near my house. I thought we were the only fools there, and then a few more car loads of fools pulled up..I didnt feel so stupid then..

ok I wont show you any more ware some of the bees in the pool and just playing around...I know your gonna enjoy this.

Ok this is a cloud, just in case you live under a rock or dont spend much time out of doors..

A Cumlmbuis cloud

for you retards, that is a rain cloud.

But that cloud only produced a few sprinkels

This is my legs, I thought it was kinda funny..I am not sure what I was taking a picutre of, but I was obvoiusly not looking thru the view finder.

I can tell this post is going to come out all weird, the pics are going to be in the wrong spots..My internet has been so slow and weird all weekend, I have not been able to check my mail in 3 days..the Yahoo thing wont open at all for me..damn them..I could have some very important mail and not know..someones life could be hanging in the balance..

In the time it took me to write this and load the pics, I could of served a full 4 year term as presidnet, been a sarragate mother to a goat, birthed 2 sets of siamse twins, and ran 24 marathons...yes it took that long...

At least 3 hours.

Target is starting to suck the life out of me. I get to close tonight. I work with a girl who has the same name as Blondie Bee...I will call her "scabby" she dont have scabs, but that is going to be her name.

I can not call her by her name, becuase she taints the very name of my second born..The girl is 21 years old...And I can not stand the site of her. she is one of them who thinks they are really pretty, but she has the face of a bull dog...And the attitide of a castrated pony....

So me and scabby close tonight, there may be blood shed..Bossy doesnt care much for scabby. Not one bit, nor it is a double wammy.

aww well.

I am thinking of shooting my own foot off so I can collect some sort of goverment aid and not have to work anymore.

Bee Real

Oh double treat for spell check wont pop up..enjoy folks:)..and this is me fixing it...

well I better go get blondie bee ready for her last day of school..oh to be in school again, summers off, no crappy jobs at target, and sleeping in..

wait, that was my life just last year before I thought that getting a job was a good idea..I shoulda shot my foot off way back then,

ok i am done now..I swear.

Friday, May 26, 2006

One more try

I know it is not Friday, but Bossy has to close tonight. That means I will spend the evening putting away crap that I did not get out. For Heavens sake, just buy the crap, don't leave it in the fitting room, or place the red shirts with black ones..Because holy crap, I have to make sure its all where it belongs..The Target police might make their way to our store and holy crap I might get fired from my mediocre job and less than desirable pay. I mean really less...Less.For. Real.

I will be spending the weekend doing much of the same...Mediocre here, less than desirable there.

Although Friday evening my aunt whom I have not seen since about 1994 is coming for a visit. She is bring my cousin who is 11, I have not seen her since she was a baby. Monday we are going to the Mall of America. They want to go. I told them they are going to be disappointed. It is just a big building, with lots of people, stores and body odor.

As we all know, I don't much care for body odor, or toothless nooks looking me.

Why can I train a dog to go pee out in the yard, but I cant get my 2 year old to do the same. I would settle for her pooing in the yard. Its not that I am fussy, but why is my dog smarter? My dog may be a retard, but damnit she knows where the poo and pee go.

getting this baby to piddle in the potty is like getting Mexicans to learn English before they run here illegally. It just isn't happening. I need to set up some sort of "border patrol" of my own...A potty patrol. I will set up a fence . A electric fence, and alarms. When the baby tries to pee pee in her diaper she will get shocked like golfer going for the ninth hole in an electrical storm....Down she will go..With smoke and steam coming from her hair..

I am sure if I dig thru some parenting book it will be in there. If not, that is my next book.

well I best go put the finishing touches on my person. The Target police are waiting for me.

Bee Real

i just remebered that I have a story about my renters there in the Homeland. I guess they found a bat in the house and now wont return until we fix the probelem.

hello asswipes, you live in an old house, in Michigan..all houses get bats.. so needless to say we told our real esate lady to give em the ole heeve hoe..Bossy didnt fix it when she was there, and you know how much I love bats.

I pray to the Lord himself some poor soul buys that house..All the money and work we have put into it and we probably wont make a dime on it. We just need a quick sell.

Remeber last summer when I would post pics of my bats that came in here?..Good times, Good times...and this is a heck of a lot newer house..They are not looking at the positve side..Bats eat bugs..yea, they eat bugs..

Pissers..I have wanted them gone since they only deicded to pay half the rent and not at all on time..

I bet one or both of them are just sayin

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Praying for time

I have many stories today, this could be a long one..So please bare with me. And if you get bored and stop reading it..pooie on you.

First up, I had an appoitment to take my dog to see the groomer. My dog was in desperate need of a makeover, the winter left her limp and matted. Now mind you this is a dog I spent damn near close to $1,000 for. Mr Shaky Pants is still in the dark on that one..

My dog's name is Ellen. I named her that, get over it. Now Ellen is retarted like my bees. But she does know 2 things. Those things are when she gets into the van she is either heading on a 18 hour hike to Michigan, or going to the beauty shop. And since I was the only other human getting in the van, she knew where we were headed (she knows I could never drive thru Chicago alone).

So I get her out of my van and put her on the sidewalk. When she saw me taking a right and head into the shop, she darted out of her collar and onto the highway. I live only 5 blocks from the dog shop. My dog ran nearly all the way home. When I caught her I told her I was going to kill her.

We get to the shop and as we walk thru the pearly gates she growls at me..She shows me her teeth. At this point I am really going to kill her.

This is what she looks like now...She does not like her hair cut.

This is not the face of a dog who appreciates her owner huh?

So I took the girls outside while I planted some seeds outside my hive, this is some cute pics I took..Look Blondie is holding worms..She is so creepy that way.

This is just Boo Bee trying to control her fowl sailor mouth..

This is her napping today, not more than 2 minutes after I took this photo I heard a thump. She rolled outta bed. She was sleeping in Blondie Bees bed. Because she likes to that's why. She ran out of the room to find me and said " I ok momma, I fall out of Blondies bed, but I ok momma"...No she didn't say damnit.

yes that is a spiderman blanket....Blondie Bee likes diverse things..She holds worms for crying out loud...And plus her comforter was being washed today, so that is Butch Bees old one...mmkay?

It was in the paper that everyone in my neighborhood should keep their animals in the house at all times. I guess there was a bear spotted down the street a few nights ago. And I don't live in the country. Closest dirt road is a long ways..I live very close to a busy highway..Like blocks. And there was a bear...A freaking bear. And Mr shaky Pants is worried bout the gators down south. Plus there was a moose spotted in town not long ago too. Like wild freaking kingdom here.

But I have figured out how I am going to kill my dog. I am going to send her out with a picnic basket tied around her neck.

Bee Real

Wednesday, May 24, 2006


Well my son managed to go one day now with no red flag warnings on his record..My little perp learned him a good lesson ehh?

My Boo Bee went around today with her Dora back pack on. She says " momma I ready for the bus momma"

I told her she cant go to the bus, she isn't old enough.

" why momma?"

Trust me, if it were not beyond my control you would be at school, but little babies who poop and urinate on themselves still need to be coddled on their mother bossoms I guess.

At dinner I had a cook out..It was 90 degrees in the shade so I thought it was a perfect idea. My Boo bee says " knock knock momma"

I hate her knock knocks....There is never a punch line, but tonight, I regress, she finally made a funny

Whose there

" hot dog"

"hot dog who"

"momma your a wiener"

pure comic gold folks, pure comic gold..


Guess what, this fatty is joining weight watchers..I am going to start Friday. My goal is to get down to my natural weight....7lbs 12 ounces.

Whoever said it was a good idea to walk 4 miles in the blistering sun? I did, that's who..According to my mother she is never walking with me again. I mean a little heat stroke never killed anyone right? She still had to make a scene, pouring water over her head, red face, panting like a dog in heat....I swear, I cant take her anywhere.

I let Mr shaky pants mow the back yard. There are not uniform straight lines. That's what happens when you let a man do a woman's job...This is why we birth the babies.

Bee Real

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Careless whisper

Boy did I have a day. Do you ever have a day and when its over you say to yourself "now that was a day!" Well I had one of them.

It all started early afternoon when I got a call from my sons teacher. Now this boy of mine has not once been in any trouble. He is a people pleaser. Unlike his mother. Anyhoo, apparently he was saying some things on the playground that totally freaked out another boy. According to the teacher he was caught saying " I am going to destroy you." He freaked a kid out so bad that the kid went crying or something thinking his life was in mortal danger. This school takes these kinds of things way to seriously, because they said he could of been suspended from school. I mean they have less than two weeks left, and this is the first time he has been in trouble. But when he tells his side it makes me wonder what the hell happened. He says he was chasing 2 girls and one boy like always. According to him he was saying " I am going to defeat you"...I don't know the whole story, a letter is going to be sent home..But I know this...My boy has a record now. He has a red flag on his school record for this. Now if a gun or other piece of lethal equipment is ever found, guess who will be the first one arrested..That's right..My Butch Bee..

Then later on that same day my Boo Bee says " momma got go potty"..I have been waiting all my life for this moment. I quickly wisk her to the bathroom and get her potty seat out..She sits there on the potty with her tiny feet dangling from the big ole potty..When she is done she announces very proudly that she is done. I pick her up and low and behold there is a tiny boo bee turd in there. We tell her what big girl she is, and praise her over and over. She then says she wants to wear underpants. So Blondie Bee goes and finds a pair of hers to lend her. A while later boo bee says to Mr shaky pants.." Daddy pants dirty"..Yup, she wizzed all over herself. She needs to stop all food and drink till she can go on the potty every time..

And it only gets better..The older bees had their dental check up today. I was informed that my Blondie Bee needs to have 6 teeth pulled in order for 4 teeth to come in..Her big mouth is really cramped. From the size of her attitude you would never guess she has a small mouth. So in two weeks she goes in for her oral re-assignment as I am calling it. Some of the teeth they are pulling wont even come in till she is 12..That is what happens when I make fun of people with no teeth..The dentist also informed me that I need to save all my income tax from now till she is 12 because she will be needing a mouth full of metal.

Bright side..No cavities..My bees have never had a cavity..My anal ways about teeth are paying off..Well mostly anyway..

Lets see...What else...My son is nearly suspended in the last week of school, my daughter cant hold her urine in, my other daughter is going to be toothless till she is 12...All a all a pretty damn good day.

Here is one thought to ponder and one PSA from me to you..

First up is my ponder. How can a 150 pound lady step on an ant and the ant still be able to live and tell his buddies about it? I musta stepped on him 3 times with full force and the minute I left my foot, he hobbles away. Granted with a limp, but he was still alive.

My PSA....When your walking over 4 miles per hour on your treadmill, do not close your eyes for any reason..Even if you think its a good one...mmaky?

Bee Real

Monday, May 22, 2006

Wake me up before you go-go

My artist of the week is Wham/George Michael..mmkay?

So I am not a person who looks down on any ethnic group, race or religion. I find weird people of all kinds. Well they find me. I have come across more crazy white people than anything, but this story brings me to the Mexican race. For some reason there are lots of them here, not that there is anything wrong with that..I am just wondering why if your fleeing Mexico do you come to the upper Midwest. Makes no sense.

I for the most part have nothing but good things to say about Mexicans. My very first love was a Mexican, heck,my second love, Mr Shaky Pants looks Mexican in the summer when he is exposed to the elements...

While at my jewelry counter Friday afternoon this lovely toothless Mexican family wanders over. The woman is looking at some earrings on a spinner. There is a big sigh on top of the spinner that says " 6.99-29.99"...Which of course means all the items atop that spinner are between the prices of 6.99 and 29.99..simple right?

Now I must of been asked by the only member of the family who knew a lick of English " how much is dis one"..I look on the box, it clearly says $9.99..So I point to the price and I say in my nicest voice " that is 9 dollars and 99 cents sir"

He talks jibber Jabber or what some might call Spanish to his fellow lady friend. I go about my business and look like I am doing something important. 5 minutes later he brings me 4 more boxes , the prices are clearly marked on the boxes and he askes me how much each are. I point to the box and show him where the price is..again..

He talks back gibberish to his lady friend with no teeth...Then again he brings me more boxes...By this point I am wondering if someone is playing a cruel and sick joke on me..Alas, it was no joke.

Now I am no master of languages nor will I pretend I am. Hell, most of my Spanish I have learned from Dora..But I am pretty dang sure that our number are the same. 9.99 in English is 9.99 in Spanish...Right?...They don't have some special numerical system I am not aware of do they? Not like Chinese or lets say Arabic. Correct me if I am wrong. Please.

And it made me just now think about my deal last summer with the "Spanish kid"..Remember my neighbor's who were Mexican? The little boy who caused trouble. And Butch Bee was so shocked that this kid was a monster and he said to me " I thought The Spanish people were a peaceful people"...Oh God I love that kid. I had to correct him and tell him number one..They are not Spanish, they are Mexican, and B, its the American Indians who are the peaceful people..mmkay son? Till we stole their land, but we wont go there today, that is for your history teacher to explain.

Speaking of Chinese..( oh Lordy this isn't looking good, I am not insulting Mexicans of Asians...Its just what has happened to ME...Please, no emails about how I hate people who aren't white or anything..Gawd)

Mr shaky pants and I decide to go out for dinner Saturday night. We have been to the local Chinese joint before, but we were not really impressed, but thought we would give it one more chance. The lovely lady askes if we want the buffet. I tell her no I do not, I want a menu please. I order some cashew chicken..Its good, or its suppose to be good anyway.

I take a bite of my chicken..I quickly spit it out. Mr shaky pants looks at me in disgust and says " couldnt you of at least used a napkin"

I explain and plea to him that what I had put in my mouth was indeed not chicken, nor pork and I gave him a piece to try. He agreed.

I do not know what animal I ate, and I am thinking it is best I don't know. All I can say for sure is I will not eat there anymore, and I have a new found respect for my dog now.

Bee Real

don't forget to submit some dreams at my dream blog, the link is on the side bar folks..Come on, I know you guys are weird, so let me hear your dreams..mmaky?

Friday, May 19, 2006

Old time rock and roll

I know it is not Friday yet...But I have to work tonight till about midnight , then back up and work the next morning, so I figured I would do it now..Lucky you..

I was watching Martha today and she had a two year old who can play the drums...Why cant any of my bees be a prodigy? Other than using curse words..

So I have nothing today, so I thought I would share some pics of me in my get-up for the jewelry counter..ya ready?

Here is a shot of " the girls"

next is the shirt and slack...My red and gacky kacky...Don't puke in your mouth now.

This is me all ready..Well sort of I guess..

This is the back of my head..I guess..

And this is what I look like on the way too my jewelry counter..

Ok, I guess that wraps up this edition of " My work uniform and me.."

Pretty soon I will be burning my red and kacky.....And wear my slippers and robe cause I will be retiring..

Now don't you even think about coming to my counter if you have not brushed or showered..mmkay?

Well I will see you all Monday. I have the weekend off and I plan on planting flowers and laying on my couch...

I will stop by to see everyone tonight when I get home..

remeber, brush, shower...Repeat...Brush, shower repeat

Bee Real

Thursday, May 18, 2006


I have spoke before of my dislike for the coco bean. I am not a big fan of the chocolate nectar some of you lust for. Now, I don't mind the occasional snip of the coco bean. I hate dark chocolate, but I can tolerate the others. I very rarely get the coco itch..But I have been known to dabble in such items. But its pure experimentation...Just dabbling..That's all

That is, until yesterday. Usually at this time of the month I am looking for my set of 12 freshly sharpened steak knives and a box of salt to pour in the fresh wounds that I carve.

But this month I want to eat. COCO BEANS.. Over the last 2 days I have consumed about 10 cups of hot chocolate, and a bag full of Dove chocolate. ( Dove is the best if your going to dabble)....Plus ..oh yes, there is more..Earthquake ice cream sundae's from Dairy Queen, two night in a row...Will it ever end?

But what gets me is I have not gained any weight. In fact, I have dropped another 2 pounds this week. I think I may be dyeing of some rare form of cancer that causes you to like things you would normally dislike.

I even found myself shoving the Dove pieces in my mouth fast so that I did not have to share with anyone..I was hoping to move so fast no one would see what I was doing. I tried to cover up my tracks...But alas, Boo Bee out smarted me once again. She spotted a wrapper in the trash and I had to come clean. Not only that, but I had to share. I hate sharing..Ask anyone.

So, I am going thru some kind of chocolate thing. But I hate chocolate. Unless I am PMSing, or dyeing of a rare cancer...mmkay?

Yesterday morning Boo Bee was doing her normal knock knock routine..This is it..

Boo: "momma, knock knock"
ME: " whose there?"
Boo:" doggie"
ME:" doggies who"
Boo:" hahaha momma...Knock knock"
Me:whose there?"
Boo:"..Um, um, sagwa..(our cat)"
Me: " sagwa who?"
Boo: " knock knock...

ok you get my point..This will go on forever if I don't stop it..But today she says this..

" knock knock momma"

and I say "whose there?"

she says something and I thought was shoes..So I say shoes who..

she then says..." Damn it momma, no not shoes"

I then tell her she can not say damn it anymore, it is a bad word..

she then tells me " ok momma, I say damnit no more ok momma?"

We are making progress..Baby steps, we are taking baby steps..It takes a lot to reform a two year old of her cursing..Look, I am 31 and still on the 12 step program.

Bee Real

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Turn the page

Its funny how you can think about something, then BAM out of the clear blue sky..Which is here.

I took this today driving back from my moms...Why did I have my picture taker ?..Well that is coming up in just a few seconds..Ok?

So anyway, the last few days every time I drive I am bombarded by little birdies. They are all over the road, not paying any damn attention to the traffic trying to pass. They just sit there, and take their own sweet time to fly away, or waddle fastly..

So I decided I would not longer "brake for birds" I figure hell, they have wings, not me, if they wanted to move fast , they could...Its they choose not too.

Now I am a loving creature..(ok, stop your laughing) I love animals. I mean I have a husband and all. But I have found myself actually TRYING to hit the birds. Who does this? A freaking pscyopath?..

Well today as I am driving over to my moms to see this....

Yes that is a baby Robin..Poor lil fella doesn't even has his eyes open yet..This is very creature I have been trying to run down for the last 2 days. What is wrong with me?

On my way home it happens. I have cleared my mind of committing homicide on the birds. I am going to just slow down and let them take there ole sweet time getting the hell out of my way


A poor sweet Robin ran..( I mean flew) into my windshield. It flopped on my hood, then landed on the street. I looked out my rear view mirror in horror as the thing fluttered around helplessly on the road.

There I was. A murderer. A cold hearted bid murderer. Sure, its vehicular homicide, but homicide non the less.

This day will live down in infamy. I bossy, have killed a bird, on the same day I was thinking about killing one. On this day not only did I see a baby bird so cute in his nest, and seen his mother feed him chewed up worms. But I also killed its daddy.

My spot in hell keeps gettin warmer..

Bee Real

dont forget to submit your dreams if you have any..I will link the site on my sidebar

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

We've got tonight

Our artist of the week is Bob Segar.

This is the first post I have wrote on my laptop since January. It feels good. Too good.

I have some things on my mind. Maybe not really "on my mind persay" just somethings I have noticed that make no sense. First one is why on earth do the elderly feel the need to drive mini vans? I see them spikering..(is that even a word? Or did I just make up a new one?) down the highway, going all of 45 MPH. With their big wide sunglasses that makes them look like maybe they just committed a heist of some kind. But if they did commit a heist, I would hope they would drive faster.

But why the mini van? This is a form of transportation that we as moms or dads can not wait to get out of. Sure they serve the purpose of the "hauling of the kids and crap" but what else would you want them for? Why when you hit 60 and want to purchase a new vehicle, why do you choose the Dodge Caravan with stow and go seating? Now this comes in handy for the busy parents who never get time alone, I mean you tuck the seats down and "viola" you have a place to make whoppie.

Not that I have used this for that purpose, heck I don't even have the stow and go seating, but Gawd I wish I did !..Moving on, back to the seniors with the mini vans..

So there they are, no kids. Just big ole sunglasses and and a car that is too heavy for you to open the door without pulling your prostate outta whack. Those sliding doors can be a bugger.

As I sit here, I am looking forward to the day when I am rid of my Dodge Caravan..With or without the DVD. I just want a car. Preferably a one seater. Maybe I need a unicycle.

And why do they need such wide sunglasses. Its like they go around the full perimeter of their heads. WHY? When you age do you really get eyes in the back of your head?..That's what we tell the kids..Maybe it isn't a lie.

Just some things to ponder.

don't forget, if you have dream you want me to analyze, drop by

Pretty soon I am going to start charging.

I counted, my Boo Bee said damn it 3 times yesterday.We are both falling off the curse word wagon. We need an intervention. You know that show I spoke about before, that Honey we are killing the kids?

They need one called

" honey,your turning our baby into Andrew Dice Clay"

Bee Real

Monday, May 15, 2006

I hate myself for loving you

Well I am back for a while. I know it was a short break, but hey, Bossy got her laptop fixed..That is big news..

I worked all weekend, I closed. I hate that. I hate people who look at clothes and then don't put them back..Because at the end of the night, I have to do it, you lazy sucker.

And if you are buying your wife a 200 dollar ring, go back in the health and beauty aisle and buy yourself a damn toothbrush. I saw more plaque caked on this mans teeth then there was in Bill Clinton,s arteries. Not pretty..

My Boo Bee has resorted to the "damn it" anytime something goes wrong. I try to punish her. But I just laugh. I tell her " don't say damn it"

She says " no momma, damn it"

Ok, ya got me there Boo, when you say it , it makes so much more sense.

Funny thing is she uses it at the appropriate times. So how can you fault her. She stubbed her toe the other day, she says " owe, damn it"..

Yup, momma woulda said it too.

Mr shaky Pants is not impressed with either one of us.

But who the hell cares?

we are ladies just trying to make it by in mans world.

Or practicing for our impending jail time, or naval career.

Bossy has a mouth like a sailor. Damn it.

I started a new blog for the dreams I am inturpting. the address is

if you want to submit a dream and let me disect it, go there and leave it in the comment section.

hope ya'll had a great Mothers day.

Bee Real

(sorry this is so lame, i am out of sorts. too giddy about my laptop working..cant think about anything else..MUST. GO. SEE.MY. LAPTOP. MUST KISS HER. BRAID HER HAIR...just tell her I love her)

Thursday, May 11, 2006

I want a new drug

check update at bottom for new dream blog

Ok I am taking a blogging break, I am not going to post anything about me or the hive for a few weeks..But I have come up with an idea.

In the comment section leave a dream you have had..One that scared you, or made you panic, or just one funny as all get out...And I will interpret the dream for you..

I am really good at this..Trust me..

I will post your dream and then my interupation of the dream in a future post..

Ok, who is first?

I started a blog where you can submit your dreams and I will tell you what they mean, I will do that for a while rather than do something real for a while, as crap is going on..mmkay...

here is the address.

Stop by and submit your dreams in the comment section..I will post new dreams every few days..I am good at this..well not really.

Heart of rock and roll

Do any of you watch South Park? Or am I the only one here going to straight to hell? A few months ago there was an episode where Kyle is down because he isn't tall enough to play basketball on the school team. Being that this is South Park, the little tot goes to a plastic surgeon and get s a Negroplasty. This is a procedure to make Kyle tall and black, so he can play basketball. After the operation he is tall. And black. I would like one of those. Minus the black part. As of lately I feel like I am much shorter than I use to be. My son , who is 9 years of age, does not seem that much shorter than me. When did I become so damn short? At one time I was 5'8. Now I would guess about 4'7. I am not sure where it all went wrong. Maybe I have me a case of good ole fashion Osteseoparosis. Or maybe my son has some sort of growth diease where they out grow their parents in an attempt to take over man kind.

Plus if I were a few inches taller, I wouldn't be so fat. If I could add just about an inch, I would be in my normal body weight range. I need a Negroplasty fast guys..I wont be fat, and I wont be short.

Speaking of weird shows, have any of you ever caught this new show called "Honey we are killing the kids"? Well it is a show where over weight parents have overweight kids and this lady doctor shows them what their kids will look like at 40 if they don't change their eating habits. What I cant figure out is how they know the kids will have glasses , be bald, or have humungo zits on their face. Why can they have this technology, but I will be damned if I cant figure out how to upload my pics to the computer half the time, or why I cant hook up my DVD player, or hell, even change a tire. But yet they know what these kids will look like at 40..Zits, receding hair and all..It is really very amazing.

My baby boo bee says yesterday, in her cutest little boo bee voice " momma, me want juice pees"

I tell her " I will get you milk, but no juice"

then she says " damn it momma"

My baby has a potty mouth. And she is chubby.

I am hoping she doesn't end up looking like one of these honeys..

and then marry this guy..

Lord have mercy on us all.....For now though, she is still my cute, potty mouthed, chubby lil Boo Bee..

Just the way I like it...Dirty mouth, dirty face..Like momma like baby..

Bee Real

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

workin for a living

Today is my one year blog anniversary. This is my 573 post. Yes I have issues. I have enjoyed this year immensely. Blogging is a nice way to express what little thought I have. I have met some wonderful people, my very first comment from a stranger was dear old Jaime Dawn..Thank you Jaime, still you make me laugh..So she was the first blog I started reading. And it has grown from there.

My blog has caused many conflicts in my family. Not sure why, I regret telling any of them about it. I thought it would be a fun way to keep in touch with everyone after we moved..big mistake...I had no idea some people had the address that did, I had no idea some were reading it were not only reading, but talking to other's about what they were reading...I still have a sour feeling about it.

For the most part this has been a nice journey. I have met a few scum wads. My blog has blossomed over the last year. When I stared it, I had no idea what I was going to do with it. It has taken a few turns thru the last year, but mostly it has stayed stead fast as one of the sucky ones. I am ok with that.

I will leave you with my very first post..Yes, my blog was much worse back then. If that is even possible.

thoughts of a stay at home mom
hello..Life of stay at home moms are very underrated...I often find myself wondering how I got here...Growing up I alwyas knew I wanted to have kids..but thought I would be able to hold down a job like my parnets did...I was alwyas with a babysitter ..summervaction..Christmas vaction..andy time school was out..I was at a babysitter...Snow days really didnt have much meaning..still had to get up and leave my warm cozy bed....So when I had my first child 8 years ago...I was working full time..thought in 6 weeks I would go back..well that was not the case..I cold not bear to leave him...There wasnt anyone I could trust the care of my new baby with...My mom my grnadmohter..all mom raised 2 kids..we are still both alive...but no..I would not hear of it....Not until he was nealry 2 years old did i go back to work....and truseted him in the care of my mom and my grandma..Then a few years later out came baby number 2...and I have been home ever since...she is now 5...and my baby is 20 months...And I stay home with them,take my 5 year old to pre-school...I am a chouffer,body gaurd,housekeeper,playmate,comforter,referee...and thensome......But all moms are all those things weather they stay home or not....I will share ccrazy things about my days as a stay at home mom...the awfull things..the funny and the bad....I hope you get some enjoyment outta it...I do
posted by Bossy Britches on Tuesday, May 10, 2005

notice the spelling..That was before I discovered where the spell check was. And before I could obviously write in sentence. Looks like one big run on. OYE!

Ok, there ya go....Happy one year to me...Starting a blog was the best thing and the worst thing I could of done. I have mixed feelings about it all.

Anyhoo, have a wonderful hump day. I will be working later on today, I hate my job. Didn't know if you knew that. Trouble is, no one cares how miserable I am..What the hell is new?


As I was laying in my tanning bed last night, something occured to me. I am in a public place naked. How many places do you acctually do that?..Not many! Last week when I was there I got this awful pain in the side of my neck. I was for sure that I was having an annyrusum or maybe going to stroke out. All I could think about was the fact they nice girl at the desk would have to come in and find my charred naked bod. She would see all the goods, layin there. I thought, i hope she at least covers me with a towel before she calls 911, or maybe try and get my clothes back on.I do belive it would be a bit of a "scared straight" for her. Her little 18 year old self might think twice about having unprotteced sex...Because this is living proof of what happens to your body. It would be something that would scar her for life. She may become an old maid. Which would be for the best.

or at least she would know to use coco butter to help prevent your skin from looking like a rotten tomato.

Bee Real

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Hip to be square

Well my day working to earn a living..(hardy har) was so slow. A guy with what appeared to be a rusty nail thru his ear meandered to my counter. I said in my most pleasant voice " can I help you find something?" *gag gag* He proceeds to open his oral orifice and the stench that came forth was enough o knock a woman over. This dude had severe halatosis. He was wanting to look at some earrings, I was hoping he was wanting to replace his rusty nail in his ear. But I wasn't getting that close anymore. He proceeds to tell a very respectable distance , that he is just taking his time, because he doesn't want to get back to work, he is a landscaper and I guess didn't feel like working today. I told him " not gonna stay in business if you don't show up"..To which he said " I have already been paid, no need to rush"

To which I replied "do u need some listerine pocket packs?" to which he said " nope, don't think so"...To which I said " yup, you do."

After that unfortunate incident I was self conscience about my own lurking halatosis. Praying I didn't have it . So I quickly went to the check out lanes and bought some Orbitz gum. On the package it says "feels like you just brushed your teeth".
I thought perfect..You never really know if you have stinky air coming out of your gob hole. I mean , do people with skanky breath know they have skanky breath?..How could you not? I mean I can smell it 10 feet away, and for petes sake its right under their nose, how could you not be aware?

Also people with gut wrenching body odor. How do you not smell it? How do you go out of your house and think your ok? Does the skank not hit till your in the car? Do these people not know that the deordorant is in ailse c-7? The body sprays and perfume are just the next aisle over. Please don't come to my jewelry counter if your having halatosis or perfuseing body stench. I will vomit on my glass counter. Which will make me mad, because then I will have to clean it.

So what have we learned today boys and girls, tots and tweens?

don't leave your house without the proper protection. If you can not afford your own tooth brush, I have about 4 laying around here that my dog chewed on. If you can not afford deodorant...Just don't leave your dwelling..

That is our lesson today...Shower, brush..Repeat..

Bee Real

Monday, May 08, 2006

If this is it

You know how the titles to all my posts are names to songs I like? Well now I am going to pick one artist a week and just do their songs for my titles. Don't ask why..Its just the way it is..This week is don't laugh, or your gonna get kicked in the face..Huey Lewis and the News..mmaky..So every title this week will be a song from them..Ok moving on..

Mr Shaky Pants test are still not back yet. Probably another few weeks still. And its driving me mad.

He starts one of his first classes for the preacher thing soon. He has to take Greek. You cant take anything else till you finish that class.

I told him that we need to start working on more kids. It seems every pastor I know either has one child, or a gaggle of them. You don't see many with just 2 or 3...Its one or a gaggle. How they can afford a gaggle is beyond me. I am half way to a gaggle, so a few more and we will be set. Then normally pastors kids have gaggles too. I don't get that either. I don't know how anyone can afford a gaggle of kids. Well unless the government is helping you out...But to do it on your own..Cant be done unless you are a brain surgeon. So I highly doubt I will have the full gaggle. I wont be having the state pay for my litter. I guess a half a gaggle will do.

I hate my job. The last day I worked the big bosses were coming in to have a looksy at the store. One of the supervisors said to me " the big boss is here, look busy".
To which I replied " they don't pay me enough to care ." She kind of looked shocked, but so was I when I heard what this billion dollar company pays there employees. Now that is something that truly sucks donkey balls.

Mr Shaky Pants does not want me to quit. He likes the fist full of change I bring home every 2 weeks. To me the pain and suffering is not worth it.If he knew how much I would rather stick hot knives in my thighs then go there, he would gladly give up the pennies I am bringing home. Some people are just money hungry. Only he does not realize this is dirty money. Its almost like a sweatshop. Companies this big are screwing their employees up the as$, and that is without lube. Rough terminology I know, but that's the way the grease splatters. It sucks. I hate it. Makes me to not want to shop there anymore. But I will be damned if I am going to that other store to buy my body wash and tampons. I just feel dirty when I walk in that store. They don't sell enough body wash to get the skank off me when I leave.

The last time I went to that store the woman who checked me out was rather large in size. When she bent over to do something with her register her..umm for lack of a better term hoo haas spilled out all over the place where they scan your items. They just kinda plopped there. She had to physically pick them up and stuff them back where they belong. It was really quite very disturbing.

I don't want to see hoo haas spilled all over the register and I don't want to see them when you pull a sweaty wad of money out of their with your wood hand. Am I being unreasonable here?

I get to work all day Monday. Literally for peanuts. Actually you wouldn't even be able to buy a full jar of peanuts with one day of my pay.

Maybe a half a gaggle of nuts.

Bee Real

Saturday, May 06, 2006


It.Is. A. Slow. Day

Why isn't there grape flavored ice cream? There are some weird flavors.No grape. Why? It just hit me like a ton of ragweed.Boysenberry.Yup, got that one.Cherry?Yup, got that too.Think about it.

This is what happens when Bossy has a slow day, she refers to herself in the 3rd person and thinks about why there is no grape ice cream. I wouldn't eat it if I found some, it was just something I thought about.

I mowed my lawn. This is the before shot..You will be very impressed.

See, she needs a little work..This is what a simple lawn mowing job will do for Bossy's place.

There, that is what I did today. Took me all day because I was so lazy I kept coming in to get drinks and to nap. But she is done.

A house a few blocks down has been lifted off its foundation. The house is now sitting on the sidewalk. I was going to take a pic, but I am too lazy to walk down and snap a shot..Maybe later..

ok here is a house where it is suppose to be..(this is bossy's house)

this is where a house should not be...this is my neighbors house...

I know this pictures suck, mr shaky pants doenst clean his car windows, what can ya do?....but there is the house that is very close to the sidewalk...see I wasnt lyin.

I ate a whole bag of Funoions today. It was good.

My dog needs a bath.My cat just got done beating the crap out of her, now she is pouting on the couch.

I am hungry again.

I need to go for my 4 mile walk around the ocean. It is a small ocean.

Bee Real

Friday, May 05, 2006

livin on a prayer

Ok, Mr. Shaky Pants is letting me have a birthday weekend do-over since I had to work all last weekend. But this got me thinking about something. Wouldn't it be nice if we had more than one day per year where it was just our day? One day does not hardly seem sufficient in my book.

Sure there are holidays like Mother Day..You know what I say bout that?..Big freakin deal. That is a day we have to share with our own mothers, or MIL's, or whoever else has spewed forth from their loins. That day does not count. Granted, we should still be waited on, as we are the ones who did the spewing forth.

I think we should pick a day, any day you want...And make it "your day". Maybe pick like your half birthday or something, so your days are spread out far enough, and then with all the other "legal" holidays thrown in the mix, it will make for a joyful year.

It is nice having one day where its just your day. You can do whatever you want, and have your family and friends be at your beck and call.

Here is my ideal day. Bear with me..

I will wake around 8ish, shower..But when I get out of the shower I wont be cold. I will have a heated towel waiting for me and my clothes will be brought to me fresh from the dryer. My hair will comb easily this day. I wont have to fight with my brush and I wont lose any hair. My hair will dry in like 5 minutes tops..And will go the way I want it to.

For breakfast I will have fresh fruit, flown in from somewhere exotic.

I will watch TV..No Dora..

I will take naps upon my leisure, then I will have some lunch. I will require a freshly made club sandwich on wheat bread. It will have no fat Mayo and turkey. No tomatoes either. I would also like a fresh hot steamy bowl of Broccoli and cheese soup from Ruby Tuesday...But at home.

I will not make dinner, I will have a chef come in and cater. I will have Lobster Tail, fresh shrimp..(with the poop and veins removed of course) I will have some garlic mashed potatos from Applebees, and steamed fresh veggies..Not boiled, but steamed..I want my veggies to be crisp yet tender, they will not be soggy or droopy.

For my dessert I will have the finest cheesecake's imported. They will contain no calories or fat.

For leisure activities I would like to take a tennis lesson. I want to have a caddy all day, but I do not want to golf. I just want someone to pick up after me all day, and say "good job" .

I will not change a sh*tty diaper all day, and someone will come in and potty train my 2 year old.

I will spend the day at the park, alone..

I will not be rushed, I will not be yelled at or called upon for anything.

This to me sounds like a good day. I will start winding down my day around 9ish, I will have a hot bath drawn for myself, with lots of bubbles. My IPOD will be fully charged and I will sing at the top of my lungs and nobody will pound on the door and tell me to stop. In fact, they will say " wow, can you sing one more?'

My towel yet again will be warm and waiting for me all folded. My pajamas will be waiting. They will be snuggly and toasty. I will have my caddy apply my lotion ( he will be young and good looking..) he will beg for my hand in marriage, but I will have to turn him down, as I am already spoken for. He will beg and plead. I will wipe the tears from his eye, and tell him that if Mr Shaky Pants were to die, I would come looking for him. After the approiate time to grieve has passed...thats what like 2 weeks tops right?

He will lul me to sleep with a lullabye. He will wipe the drool from my pillow.

So this is how I would spend my day...

Now I need to go get my lawn mowing clothes on, Bossy is going to trim the hedges tonight. All that rain last week makes my grass look like I am growing some "weed" in the really shot right up.

As you may remeber from last summer I am the lawn mowing queen. It is my passion in the summer. I will get sucked by bugs, twigs in my eyes, run over small mammals, and hit some rocks..Good Times...I live for this crap.

Well I think I have a ripe smelling baby as we speak, and my caddy aint here to deal with it.

Have a good weekend. I will enjoy my birthday weekend reprive. I will be consuming mass quanties of drink and food. With Norm. Norm likes his food and spirits.

Bee Real

I already feel bloated. Not a good sign.

Look Away

So while I was working hard, or hardly working Thursday, I was called from my jewelry counter to meander with the common folk in the checkout lanes. I waited on this big Mexican lady. Two things struck me odd. First up was the fact that she had one plastic or wooden hand. It was shiny. Shiny things distract me. Then her bill came to lets say 21.76 . She handed me a 20. I stand there waiting for the rest of the money. She finally realizes that she needs more money. Then she does the unthinkable.

She takes her plastic/wood appendage, and fishes around in her bra to get a sweaty wad of money out. Then she expects me to touch it with my clean mortal hands..

Homey don't play that!

Guess what I ate for dinner last night...Cake...Like mother like bees...

My award for mother of the year should be in the mail any day now. I think it will have gold lettering.

I forgot to add that yesterday my granny bee had to go in for some surgery on her colon or bowels or something in the crapper part of the body. She is doing well I think, my poor gramps is gonna have to cook his own meals for a few days, he may go hungry..They will be married 60 years next month..I think he is spoiled. Mr Shaky Pants on the other hand, is not spoiled. He will do fine when I die:)

Bee Real

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Dirty deeds, done dirt cheap

Boo Bee wakes up from her nap around 2:30pm Wednesday. As she is walking out of her bedroom, she demands a cookie and some juice. Just like that she says "momma, I need cookie and juice"

I say " did you just give blood?"

she said "yes."
With the 2 days off in a row it has made me wonder something. How many days is too many wearing the same bra? Its not like underwear. underwear (according to me) should be changed about hourly. I know this is not possible for most people, but it should be. Not that I get close enough to anyone's underwear area persay, but I know what goes on in there, and that's enough for me.

I know a girl I went to school with that would wear the same pair of underwear for 2 days, she would just turn them inside out. It made me feel dirty when I was around her, I never knew what day we were on. I always hoped it was day one.

But back to the bra's. How long is too long? Do you change them everyday, every other day? I don't have as many bras as I do undies, what is the correct number of bras one should have?

Ponder that, and let me know..

You know who I had a crush on when I was naive? Well I am not sure either, it was either Milli or Vanilli. I never knew what one was which, and I guess now it doesn't matter anyway right?

How come the pants I bought my two older bee's and Christmas time now look like floods? How is it possible? They must be putting miracle grow in the milk.

I let Boo Bee have cake for breakfast. And lunch....I only had to dirty one plate.

I went shopping. I had to buy some spring clothes. I was kind of shocked when I had to buy a size 12. When the Sam bloody hell did I get so Phat? Granted less than 2 years ago I was a size 18 and well over 200 pounds, but still, its like shock and awe.

I need to go on a all liquid diet. How can having kids make you so phat? Is it written in the handbook I never got? Because if I would of read the chapter on bossy two year olds, no sleeping for 18 years and the weight gain..Well I might of adopted....A dog.

I will leave you with yet another wise thought by Butch Bee..Mr shaky pants says to him" stop acting so childish."

" but I am a child."

his retardation seems to be coming to a close folks....Ivy League here we come.

Bee Real