Wednesday, June 20, 2007

stop talking with your mouth open

Do you ever have days where you wish everyone would stop talking? Like maybe a whole day where you did nothing but sign language, or hell, just plain ignored each other?

Yea, I suppose that is just me.

When you have kids, you can not wait until they say their first words. And we, as moms, want the first words they utter to be..momma.

Well after the first few hundred times it is cute and charming.

There after, it is completely and utterly gut retching.

momma, I want juice
momma I am hungry
momma why
momma pwease
momma I not sweepy

yes, you have all heard it all know what I mean.

My Boo is thisclose to me sewing her pie hole completely shut.

And I don't even know how to sew, this is would be messy and slightly painful.

She asks weekly if we are going shopping. Granted, in her defense, we use to go out shopping once a week, while the other two heathens were busy getting a nice shiny public education..

Now that school is out, it is not so much fun shopping.

So we have not been going. I tell her I have no money. It is better then telling her I would rather have my toe bit off by a large man eating cooter..for you people unaware, a cooter is a snapper...(someone told me that, I don't remember who...but I do know someone did.) then to go out for a day of shopping and an outing to a fancy lunch joint with three kids....THESE three kids anyway.

anyhoo, I tell her I have no money because that is just easier...

So she finds a penny. I kid you not..She tells me she has money and that we can go shopping now.

I tell her a penny wont buy candy outta the one cent machine...

So she finds a few quarters.

I can not win....

Course I had to find them quarters cause with my job on the line, I have to save money where I can.
Then after I got my Boo pee pee and poo poo trained, I thought my days of diapers and baby food was long passed me. But when you are stupid enough to spend 100 bucks on Ebay for a fuc*ing Baby Alive for your 7 year old for Christmas, you truly are a dumb ass if u you do this..I did, and yes, I am a dumbass..there I said it. Then you sort of deserve whatever ramifications come with making such a ridiculous purchase

but since she got this talking and eating piece of plastic that sort of looks like some sort of love child between Holly Hobby and ET, I have to spend money on diapers and baby food. In fact this conversation happened in my house just 5 minutes ago..

Blondie:Boo played with my baby alive and there is baby food all over my sheets

Boo:uh uh, no i didn't

Blondie: I don't have money to just buy food and diapers whenever I want..and I bet she used my last diaper...gee whiz I can not have anything nice with her living here..

To which my reply was...

I have not been able to buy anything nice since 1997...So get over it.

So my work situation is no better. I hate pulling in the driveway still. But if it wasn't for the 4 people who live there or the three co-workers I spend my day with, I would not go back.

Since this all went down I think the four of us have a tighter bond. I truly love these girls, and am grateful to have been able to work with them..

One is my neighbor, she lives right across the street from me. She too has a big fat mouth like I do...So her and I are never shy to speak our minds about our boss who sprouts no penis or visible genitalia of any kind..oh and he likes things rammed up his ass, or so I have been told..

But she is awesome. In fact her little girl and Blondie are quite the little pair. One day last week my mom took them to the park and they both got stuck up on top of the army truck and I had to go get them off.

Them damn kids....

But if this job has given me anything, it is a few friendships that I think will last me a long while, hopefully a lifetime, or at least till the next harvest moon.


On my walk I saw a decapitated rabbit.


Please for the love of God do not allow me to eat Dairy Queen anymore. I have almost dropped the few pounds I wanted in order to join weight watchers.

I know, it makes no sense, I know this.

I am tired of these big ta ta's and wide ass following me around every nook and cranny. Its almost like its stalking me.

I hate being fat. I hate being lazy..ok, i like being lazy.

So I am on a mission. A mission of epic proportions, to lose 80 pounds.

Don't question me. 80 pounds will take me down to roughly the size of a 5th grader.

And I am cool with that. 5th graders kick ass.

Floppers always welcome.


oliveoyl64 said...

I am laughing so freaking hard at your comment about your wide ass stalking you. Remember, I am laughing WITH you, not AT you.

I have a real life friend that is always saying she has a huge ass, so I am going to see if she thinks it is stalking her too.

Still laughing.

oliveoyl64 said...

I forgot to add.....

you sofa king funny!

Flip Flop Goddess said...

well its true, it is stalking me..

but what the hell does sofa king funny mean?..Is that a bad thing or a good thing?

1 plus twins said...

80 lbs are you fucking crazy/??!!!! that is way too much and NO i don't want to sleep with you!!! lol

i had that baby alive when i was little and i remember one day it was gone. i think my mom got rid of it cuz she was tired of buying food and diapers too.

Flip Flop Goddess said...

1 plus twins,
I had one too, but now adays they are freaky as shit looking..I mean very odd..

ok, u for sure want to sleep with me...or u would not of said u didnt wanna..hahahahahahhaha

and yes 80 pounds..I know..but I wanna look like a 5th grader;)

Rodney Dangerfield said...

ok i'm just not feelin da luv
here i was all secure in my title
and you go and haul a needle thru my balloons
I thought I was your resident cooter and cootchie expert??????
you said i dunno who?
ok looking for sumthin high to jump from

KrazyMom said...

Careful what you wish for. My daughter was asking for things to be passed at the dinner table last sign language. Yes, I am glad she is learning it, but it is annoying the hell outta me when I have no clue what she is telling me and yet she still will not TELL ME! LOL

Glad you have teamed up with new friends on this whole work issue. See, good things can come out of bad situations! Hang in there.

Flip Flop Goddess said...

pardon me,you cooter expert u..

well The Boy use to do that too..I tild him if he does it again i will rip his arms off..

I guess somedays I just wish there was no communiacation whatsoever;)

Katie said...

The best part of summer....

Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom.

Mine used to tell me she changed her name and wouldn't tell me what it was.

patti_cake said...

Oh boy i'd love to lose 80 lbs!

Girl I am with you. I couldn't WAIT for Maddie to start talking but she Mommy's me to death. I asked her the other day "Do you know how to whine "Daddy" just once in awhile". Her reply "No".

Flip Flop Goddess said...

I think my mom tried that once too.

80 pounds would be great huh? I would mind weighing a good solid 75 cool with that.

Even hearing them whine daddy is too much, they need to learn Spanish or somehting.

Angel Girl said...

Hey girl, that is why I don't have kids yet I am partial to my name and if I had them whining at me all the time i'd be forced to change it and move to another country. I'm just as happy with the disposable kids, you know the ones you keep for a day and send back to their owner.

I need to lose 80 lbs too! That bitch Jenny can't help me there unless she wants to help me for free lol.

Humincat said...

I just stop answering, but then she starts screaming and crying that I don't love her. I always pull the "It's not you, It's me." line on her, but she doesn't buy it,,,smart girl. do you really not get the sofa king funny? say it fast retard! lol

CEE said...

so easily forgotten

I am changing my Bossy Title
I am now the CEE of Bossy Blog

(cooter expert extraordinaire)

The Kept Woman said...

(I changed my name from "mommy/mama" to "Frances" a few weeks ago...don't tell my family though)

Tom said...

When I was 315lbs or so, I had a huge ass, so big that from behind I looked like a Braun handmixer.

oliveoyl64 said...

"sofa king funny"..... comes from a friend of mine that is too polite to write out "so fucking funny". It's a good thing!!!!

Jamie Dawn said...

Blondie is gonna have to get a job to pay for baby food and diapers.
Boo will have to get a job to pay for the baby food and diapers she steals from Blondie.

Kids should come with an OFF switch.

This post is a riot!!
Thanks for a goood laugh.