Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Girl u know its true

I know, I know, I should not complain about this, but hell, I am going to anyway. You no that 19 inches of snow that has riddled my grass with the shivers? Well, it appears it is going to be having some company. We are under another winter storm warning. It takes effect Wed and lasts till Friday night..Three glorious days of snow, sleet and wind. The nice bastard of a weather guy told me that I should expect a good 20 plus inches of snow in these next few days. That would leave me with about 40 inches of snow, on my lawn, as well as my street. I know, I could go and blame AL Gore for this, but u know what, I am blaming this one on the weather man. I never liked him anyway.

I would convert that to u for all you people whom only know the metric system, but hell, I went to a public high school here is the USA and they told us we dont need none of that garbage....

just know it s a shit of a lot of snow..a shit of a lot converts to butt load or piss load..if that helps any.

Mr Shaky got a promotion today. Now if he was a pastor right now it would mean he was in second command to God or a personal assistant to Jesus. But he is not, so it just means he is now and Engineer III...Now what is that may u ask? I have not a damn clue..

Lets give three cheers for a 6% pay increase...Hip hip hurray, hip hip hurray..Hip...Ok that's enough.

Last night I get a call from my moms landlord. She told me an ambulance was just there to pick her up...I am use to this. A few years ago she was sick and it was common place for her to take trips in the back of the white van with lights.

Come to find out, she woke up with a pain...I wont say where just to protect the innocent. To make a long story short, she woke up on the bathroom floor, not knowing how she got there...

She is fine now, she said she just feels funny. Not sure what happened.


As I am folding my white load, I pay close attention to things. Like why in the world are the bottoms of socks so stained? I mean we wear foot coverings when we go out of doors, and my floors aren't that dirty...So why?

And out of the 5 people in this house, whom I fold underwear for, why in the hell are the guys the only ones sporting skid marks in their underwear? I don't get it..


If u think about it, please go here and vote for me...I am automatically in round two, not because of votes, but because there wasn't enough blogs to pair them all up with someone...Figures...

not sure when I will be up against someone, I think round one ends Sunday, so after that please vote for me...I am begging..Pleading...I never win anything..Son of a bitch

Western Bracket

You dont have to vote for me, not if u dont value your life anyway.

Its ok if u don't want to vote for me....Just don't expect any x-mas or birthday presents from now on..

I am sure I wont win, because I never win anything... But lets just pretend for a minute that your life depends on it..mmaky?

OK, I need to help my three year old put her underwear on the right way..Son of bitch, does it ever end?

Bee Real

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

dirty deeds

Seems my slump of shittiness is only progressing in full force. Now I am not sure if it has to do with the fact that I let my kids celebrate Halloween and God is punishing me, or if I am truly a spawn of Satan. I have been told this before, but just brushed it off as nonsense. Or maybe its the fact that when I heard today some digging people think they found Jesus tomb, it sparked my interest.

And really, how would they know? I mean, what kind of DNA would they even compare it too? Its not like Jesus has any living kin. I don't know, maybe he does. Maybe the Jehovah Witness asslickers who come to my door are on to something.

Now if I were to tell Mr Shaky this, he would drop dead of a Miocardio Infarction.

Of course since I support most Democrats, I cant believe in God anyway..Get a fucking life.

Anyway, on to what I was saying.

Today I had a day off. I decided I would sit here and do nothing. Doing nothing is something I am pretty damn good at.

Then my phone rings, and it is my grandma. I figured she was calling to ask me what the temp is here, or to ask how much snow we got...Not that I am bragging, but we got a shit load of snow...Again, I know this may or may not be directly Al Gores fault, I mean holy shit, lets not blame the clouds, or hell even the weather man, we will place the blame that I got snow, on Al Gore.,,just to place the blame on someone..

actually its considered an act of God, so lets blame him..

And lets not blame the fact that during nearly the whole winter we experienced above normal temps, no snow and lots of sunshine , on Global Warming..Or that in the last few summers we have experienced the highest temps on record for heat...Its not because we drive around with our fancy diesel trucks, or oil loving Repulicans whom like to use their fancy hover crafts that they load up with diesel fuel , or lets not blame it on the folks that walk around with no teeth.I mean, I gotta blame something on people with no teeth, they are just creepy..Its all because of Al Gore.

I know I did not vote for him for a reason...Bastard he is.

So anyway, my grandma called to inform me that they think my grandpa has lung cancer. Now this man has not smoked for over 30 years...Yet, it is more then probable he has this.

two years ago he had colon cancer...He is going to be 87 years old in June. He still drives, he still mows the lawn, he still shovels and snow blows the snow, that was sent by Al Gore...Damn it, if Al Gore is the cause of all this too, I will sue that SOB.

Now I am just pissed off. If you smart asses cant tell. I have not seen my grandpa since November, that was the last time we were in the homeland.

This sucks, I hope nothing happens to him before I can get there to see him again.

But since I support most Democrats, therefore I don't believe in God, so hell, he may be dead now for all I know..

Curse them damn democrats for trying to clean up the earth and for killing my ole grandpa...Sons a bitches they are....

Anyway, here are some shots of our snow....I know some of you have never seen snow in person, and I hate all of you..

We ended up collecting about 19 inches of snow in two days...

but its winter, so it snows.....But this is the first real snow fall we had since we lived in this crappy state...

Anyway, I am ain a pissy ass mood, so I better just leave.

Go ahead and talk amongst yourselves...

Bee Real

Sunday, February 25, 2007


I hate people who always complain. If its not one thing its another. If u have so many issues ,get a bottle of pills and a 5th of whisky, but leave me the hell alone.

Well, right now, THIS is my bottle of pills as well as my grain alcohol. So deal with it.

Friday while I was working at The Crazy House , one of our residents died suddenly. We are not sure why, or what...But she is now on a cold slab at the morgue. That day she had been telling one of the staff that she was going to die today and that her insides were burning. A few hours later, she was found dead on her bedroom floor.

her insides weren't melted, but she did die that day..

So dealing with that has been a nightmare.

Then The Boy tells me he has his parent teacher conference at 5pm. We go...The school is all locked up.

They had no school that day , because of....Conferences, yet, there was none..

By the time I left for work Saturday to the Crazy House, we had gotten a good 5 inches of white powder. No not cocaine.

Mr Shaky shoveled both driveways and all the sidewalks before I left. Whilst at work, it snowed about a foot. When I left at midnight, none of the streets were plowed, the stop lights were not working, and my driveway was all drifted in. I tried like hell to get in, but my efforts proved frutile against the white powder. No not cocaine

I stormed into the house and asked Mr Shaky what the hell he had been doing, because holy shit, he was not making sure I could get in the drive way. He looks at me in shock, and says " I shoveled before u left"

No damn shit....I guess U have not been near a window in the last 8 hours, because there is a drift in the drive so high I couldn't see the fuc*ing porch.

So I sent his ass out at midnight to commence in the shoveling.

Then the dirty SOB had the nerve to say to me.."the reason u couldn't get in the driveway, was because of your driving"

Oh hell no. U just did not say that to me..I have been driving in the snow my whole Golldamn life, don't u dare tell me I don't know how to do it..

So we fought about how well I can drive for a half hour.

Then shortly after I get settled into bed, I hear a big THUD...My Boo Bee had fallen her chubby ass outta bed.

This has not been a good weekend.

So far there is about 12 inches of snow out my door...And its still snowing...We could easily see over a foot by 6pm Sunday.

Right about now some cocaine sounds pretty good..

I hate winter, I hate people dying, I hate white powder, I hate when tots aren't capable of sleeping far enough from the edge of the bed to keep their asses from falling out , I hate it when I cant pull in my driveway....

But I am loving the thought of some cocaine...

I have worked 46 hours this week, went to one non existent parent teacher conference, witnessed grief sticken co-workers dealing with the death at our house, gave out more hugs in one day then I have my whole life, got snowed in, was told I am a retard and cant drive in the snow, made the hubby go out at midnight and make a fuc*ing path for my car....

This is a tip...A free one...From me, to you.

If your spouse is out at work, and you know full well we are under some sort of blizzard warning, and you know your spouse gets home at midnight, please, by all means, make sure the driveways are not riddled with snow and ice, cuz it makes for an angry wife if she gets stuck in the driveway...Really damn angry.

Bee Real

Friday, February 23, 2007






son of a bitch

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Take my breath away

This will be my last post this week, as I am a slave to the tax man. The tax man has me by the balls..Or the ovaries at least.

You know what happens when you let your three old make their own decision? Bad things, that's what. I let Boo pick out her own clothes the last two days, and she comes out of her room ready for summer.

This was her Wednesday, notice though she did not take her jammie sweatshirt off, rather just throw the tye dye right on over top of it

I am not sure why she is so hell bent on wearing shorts in the middle of February. In her defense though, this week has been 80 degrees warmer then it has been last few weeks...And today is only 43, so you retards do the math...It gets shittin cold here.

It sad when you go from -40 to positive 40. You go around all giddy and coat less. Not having a single care in the world, you smell spring in the air, and there is also a spring in your step. You open windows and even drive around town with your Def Leppard CD blaring with your window slightly rolled a jar. Or maybe I am the only jackass doing that.

and yes, that is the sofa she relieved herself on...
This whole BO thing is getting to me, if you cant tell. I have decided on my next weekend off, I am going to not bathe or wear deodorant of any kind. Let him get a whiff of some really potent BO.

In his defense too, cooked onions get on your clothes and they smell putrid. But damnitalltohell, don't tell me I smell like I have BO. I tell him its the fu*king onions. He says " but I like the smell of onions"


I smelled my shirt I wore to work yesterday, and it smells like a restaurant. So I can see how he thinks I smell, but it does not stink like BO..I just wanna beat the crap out of him..


I have taken it upon myself to declare that ME..

pictured here

want to live like this..Pictured here...In my next life

Is that too much to ask.

Cats don't have humans pissing on their shit, nor do they have their spouses telling they smell.

that's all I got...I a damn loser..

Bee Real

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Something fishy is going on

Remember when I told you my only kid that had not pissed on my shit in a long time was Blondie?

Remember this kid? The pre-schooler who likes to take a leak on my sofa?

yes, this is the one

It seems she is not the only lazy kid I have. Blondie was outside, in her snowpants, coat and other various winter weather equipment, and she pissed herself while in her cocoon. Wanna know why? Because she was so covered in stuff, she could not get it off fast enough..

So all my kids piss on stuff that indeed is not a designated peeing area

another bee to scratch off my not pissing on my shit, list

Again, I come home...And the husband accuses me of smelling again. I tell him, I don't smell damnit...Don't u see how I am only stinking when I come from there? I am the one who cooks, I get the aroma of the crap I am fixing. I do not smell any other time. It ends up turning into a fight, because I want him to sniff my armpits, to prove its not coming from there. He refuses, I get pissed, he tells me to go bathe.

I just want to grab him by his facial hair, pull him to my underarm area, and make him smell it.

make him sniff, long and hard..All he will smell is my Degree deodorant. That's all. No.BO.On.Me.


I had conferences with Blondies teacher yesterday.

I have a high regard for teachers. Teachers deal with our kids on a daily basis. We as parents know if the teacher is dealing with a little asshole or a nice kid that is not an asshole.

The teacher knows all the fine details. Kids spill it out to the teachers.

I just sometimes worry about what the kids say to their teachers. Like for an example, I wonder if Blondie told her teacher that her dad could not give her a bath the other because mom forgot to wash a load of towels.

I mean, we had NO clean towels. I left for work, threw them in the washer, and noone put them in the dryer.

yes I know....You now see where the kids get their laziness from..I know, I know..

Anyhoo, the teacher told us Blondie is doing very well.

She told me we were good parents.

Even though I know Blondie did not have a bath two nights ago, cuz I am I retard. I don't like the teachers knowing I am a retard. The only people who know, are people on the internet.

I don't like people I know IRL, to know that I am indeed a retard.

But teachers are pretty cool. Unless your one of them bad teachers who like to look at girls under developed boobies.

For the record, my couch still stinks.

Bee Real

i have been nominated for a blog award, if u wanna vote for me or to keep nominating me, or anyone else go here

This is not spam. Well, this is not bad spam. Leesa is having a little contest called "Battle of the Bloggers." Please visit her blog to see the details. So if you want to nominate a blog for this competition, please do so.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

I wanna be sedated

Well, the sofa still has lingering effects of pre-schooler piss. I may have to take the whole cushion out back and torch it. Pretty soon the cats are gonna smell the pre-schooler piss and then think "hell, the pre schooler uses this for a toilet, why cant we?"

Then the dog will join in, it will be one big pissing party.

I am tired of my job. I am tired of the crap I deal with. I don't care what anyone says, when u get a bunch of women working together in close proximity, trouble is gonna brew, because women are back stabbing bitches. I admit it, and I am guilty of it. I hate it. But its true..I am turning into one of them..One of them women who is a nasty mouth, no good piece of hormones wrapped up into one big fat turd.

I am not proud, but its the way the shit flies..

I do cooking at the crazy house, and everytime I cook something with onions in it, I come home and Mr Shaky tells me I smell like BO..I tell him it isn't me, its the onions. I don't smell like BO, I smell like cooked onions..

I chase him around, telling him to smell my armpits, so I can prove it isn't BO. He tells me that he is not smelling my armpits, because why would he want to put his face in my BO.

I cant get it thru to him, its the onions...Its the Go*damn onions...Jesus..

I have decided that even on days when there is no school, I will still send my kids...


This school system has decided to forgo the normal spring break, but rather give these bastards long weekends...

I already have to deal with this pissing on my sofa pre schooler..

That is plenty for me to deal with..I am not focused as I once was. I can not multi task anymore..

I can only handle one bee at a time..And I would prefer to have the one that doesn't piss on my stuff..

well that leaves the boy out, cuz he misses the john and whizzes on my bathroom floor..

So I guess that leaves Blondie..She has not pissed on my shit in years.

Bee Real

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Son of a bleepity bleep

Yea, so we took the kids roller skating Saturday. Before we leave I get the girls all bathed, cuz they were looking sorta like kids who may or may not live in a van down by the river.

Let me paint the picture for you...I got Boo dressed and set her on the sofa, she was putting her shoes on, and then starts screaming. This is what she is screaming to me..

"Momma, I gotta pee, oh momma I so sorry, don't be mad momma, I sorry"

The little shitface pissed all over my couch. Then she had the nerve to tell me it indeed was NOT her fault, rather it was the pees fault.

That is the second time in two weeks she pee-peed herself, I wonder if she has a bladder infection..

Its them damn bubble baths I let her take...Son of a bitch.

Want to know how you know you have no life and your weekends off have become a sad state of affairs? I will tell you how...

You know your a loser when at 9:49pm your laying on your bed, laptop in hand and watching Jungle Fever on HBO.

Son of a bitch again,

I was thinking about something. Something that has been on my mind since 7th grade. Every now and then I think about this day, yet I am not sure why...It just pops into my head sometimes, and I get all creeped out..

Let me paint this picture for you...

Its 7th grade...I am in gym class and the school has a nurse there to inspect all our backs for scoliosis. The nurse..(female nurse) takes us into the locker room one at a time and has us take our shirts and.....bras off..Then has us bend over so she can check our spine curvature.

Our gym teacher was a female. She was the first woman I ever seen that I just knew was a lesbian. She had a butch hair cut, gray, she was older...Very unattractive...Never any make up, never has her hair done....

She always gave me the creeps.

As we 11-12 year old girls are having some "private nekkid" time with the nurse, she is in the room watching us girls take our "delicates" off...Now she is not a nurse and has no business watching us bend over with our shirts off...

What teacher has the right to see a student nekkid?

I don't know why....But it has bugged me ever since...

I think today it would be considered some sort of kiddie predator thing..

She did not go watch the boys....Just us girls..

Have I been over reacting all these years? I don't think so.

son of a bitch yet one more time..

My son keeps asking my mom about puberty. He has been asking her things, things I don't want him asking me...cuz I would rather die then tell my son answers to these things..


when will I get hair.."Down there"

when will my voice change

why are girls so moody..

I would totally beat his ass if he asked me that one

He will be ten in a few weeks. He is too young....He should not need THE TALK till he is like 20..

Son of a bitch three times a lady
Then my Ipod....Yes PAT is giving me trouble. I wont even go into it, but applestillsucksasses.

Big fat juicy apples..

My living room smells like pre schooler piss, I am watching Jungle Fever, and I think my gym teacher was a perv.

How has your weekend been?

Bee Real

Thursday, February 15, 2007

One big damn head

So another heart day has come and gone..I got no bling..No candy...But at my request, as I am not a candy eater, but Mr Shaky has told me he noticed two pieces of HIS candy is missing. Who the hell counts their candy? How does he know two are missing...DAMN..Busted.

I did get an Itunes gift card so I can "pay" for music. I got lots of tunes to buy for ole Pat...I don't like putting my bank card number online, so he got me a gift card, no fuss, no muss..

Although I did manage to single handedly eat half of Boo's box of chocolate..So all and all, I will get fat.

Without actually getting a box of my own candy, I still managed to eat enough to make any homely child sick with a tummy ache.

I came to see that Mr Shaky has a big head. I notice it in my kids, but I figured they still had baby fat around their brains and whatnot...But no, it comes from the dad of the offspring...

And here is the proof....This is us, on Valentines....Can u see all the love oozing out of my double d bra?

course if u can see my bra, then u have x-ray vision and I think your totally kick ass.

See the big head?....Maybe its just the angle...Maybe its just he has a big head.

Look, he already has his shirt undone...What a naughty boy...

Hope everyone had a great Valentines, even if u don't "think: u celebrate it...

Bee Real

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Hearts on fire

Well, tis the time of year to snuggle with your sweety, have candle lit dinners and have unprotected whoopee with strangers cuz u have no Valentine...

If your single, stay away from the bars, you will only end up waking up next to some dude, u thought looked like Johnny Depp in the smog filled bar, when he really looks like Johnny Carson...

To all you married or "spoken for" folks, don't expect too much from your mate. I mean most married people don't consider this a real holiday and say they aren't going to celebrate it, yet if they don't get anything, they are pissed off...(that is so totally me)...Its a no win situation.

I am sure I will be lavished with fine jewels and chocolates...Tomorrow I will be fat, but I will be a fatty with some bling...

or so I am hoping...

Have a wonderful hearts day...

Bee Real

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

love in an elevator

Well I think I have come to hate the tax man. I don't even remember what it is like to get a refund. I remember the days of getting about 4 grand back, spending it on shit I did not need and enjoying every minute of it. Now adays, I owe Uncle Sam that amount..

I need to stop making money. If you collect welfare do you have to pay taxes? I swear to God I need to look into this. I am tired of paying it to the man. I am tired of paying it to anyone.

Lets go over the taxes shall we? I mean, what are we actually paying for? I mean, its not like they don't get enough out of my checks. I pay out plenty. I am not sure what they need my money for. Did I hit some sort of sucker lottery? Did the IRS look at my drivers license and decide that I look like a good canidate for a good anal screwing? I don't know.

I mean, my 4 grand is not going to take the national debt down. To which I did not rack up in the first place. Its kind of like if I were to steal money from my co-workers to pay off credit card debt or to pay off my house..

Its just not something I like doing, paying for someone else's crap..

If the IRS were to take a good look at my bank account, they would see I need the four grand more then they do. I mean, holy shit, I have two houses I pay for, because holy shit again, they drove the real estate market into the ground and houses aren't selling. They would see we are paying about $20,000 in student loans, over $200,000 on houses, and about 40,000 weekly on my crack cocaine habit.

if Uncle Sam were to come here, I would kick him right straight in the balls. With golf shoes most likely.

Another thing that pisses me off, why is there a separate music award show for country music? I mean, they get awards at the grammys, at the American Music Awards, and any other music award show. But yet, they still have The Country Music Awards. I hate country music. Why don't they have a special music awards for music that don't suck?

Ok, I am done....I need a good tranquilizer dart right about now.

And to top it off, I am sure I wont be getting shit for Valentines Day...

ok carry on....

Bee Real

Monday, February 12, 2007

Dream on

So, my weekend that was suppose to be spent in a nice Oceanside hotel, eating nice meals, and holding babies that don't belong to me...Was spent lingering on the sofa, making frequent trips to drain my colon and empty the contents of my stomach.

I spent countless hours laying on my back, complaining of the pain, whilst the kids yell and ask me for me shit, watching endless coverage of dead "celebrities" with talent I can not seem to figure out....And wishing that I had a toilet built into my sofa and my bed.

Then I spent Sunday making valentine boxes and supervising as the bees filled out their valentines cards for school. I had to make sure they hit everyone on the list, because when I was a kid, I was bad. I would intentionally leave valentines out for the kids I thought were ugly or scummy...I know, I am going right to hell.

But come on, I just couldn't bare giving Anna Jacobs or Bob Conners , or Rick Diamond ( he always had some wierd as herpes shit on his face, kinda creeped me out) valentine cards..So sue me...

and dont even tell me u have not done the same thing...there was at least one u "forgot' to give cards too..dont u lie to me..

I have a question for the ages...Why when your tiny tot pees herself, u put them right on the toilet?

Boo pissed herelf over the weekend cuz she was to lazy to come upstairs to the john. And what does Mr Shaky do? Puts her ass right on the tiolet..she JUST peed..I mean just now but yet, he sits her there. I am not sure what he was waiting for her to do...I am still perplexed by this practice, I know many of you do it..Your kid pees themselves, and u put them on the tiolet.Sorta like when your training cat, if it shits on the floor, u take its shit to the litter box, put the cat in it so it can smell its own shit inside this box full of gravel...That makes sense to some degree..

But when your dealing with a fully functioning three year old, who knows where her pee pee goes, it baffles the mind a bit...

that's like taking me to the toilet after I just puked all over myself...Makes no sense.

Its kinda like what Boo said to me the other day, she is a very wise baby..

I told her it was too cold to go outside...And you know what she said to me?

"but momma, we can wear coats"

Just like her telling her daddy she already peed when he sits her ass on the john..

daddy, I already went pee pee..See, my pants day are wet daddy

So not only did I just waste $350.00 bucks this weekend....But had to be witness to many retarded things..

Like right now I am witnessing my son with his head in a basket that my cat is laying in, and he is letting the cat lick the back of his head..

Who does that?

damn retards, that's who

bee real

Friday, February 09, 2007

Oh hell no

Well, it seems my trip to the eastern Sea Board is








I have been doing this all day and half the night...

take the beard and the wings off, and that's me....

Its a sad state of affairs when I cancel a trip....I just checked and even if I change my day to go, its gonna cost be 100 bucks more...

That seems to freaking unfair...

here I am, on my death bed, and they are trying to screw me up the ass.

I bid u farewell.....With these uncertain times, I am unsure of my time here on Earth.

Love thy neighbor asswipes....Bossy OUT...

to make a trip to the porcelain God...Which smells like urine by the way..

Bee Real

Thursday, February 08, 2007

U got the look

I am leaving soon. I know, I know, you hate to see me leave, but hell, a girl has got to get out once in a while...

don't go thinking that just because I am going to the ocean, that I am going to warm weather. I think its only going to be in the 40's and 50's where I am going..Which in turn is about 60-70 degrees warmer then here, so I guess its all good huh?

Normally when I am leaving for any length of time, I start giving my shit away, but I am not doing that this time. My luck, this will be the time I do die...None of my crap is worth anything anyway..

I thought I would share with you my hair. I cut it and colored it myself. Yes, I am multi gifted that way..I can also paint nails, change diapers, and wash things...Or warsh things, depending on how intelligent you are.

I realize I am not very photogenic, its not my fault, its my parents fault...

My kids want to know why my hair is black. It was blondish brown when they left school the other day, and hanging down the middle of my back. Next time they see me, its cut to my shoulders and all Goth looking. They thought I woke up with this way...

And its not black, its dark ash brown....Not sure what ash is, but I got it, whatever it is.

I kinda look like a witch in this one.....I am not sure why..I don't even recongize myself here...I mean, I look like some sort of a witch, or some palm reader..I don't know..

sorry, had to remove the witch, it was starting to give me pre-nightmares....I am still trying to figure out how it got like that, I will bring it out at halloween..and i didnt wanna give u guys nightmares as well.

I don't know, buts bad....And for some reason I look more pasty..I mean, I am not pasty, cuz I pay good money not to be pasty...Go figure...Must be the angels light shining down and making me look like a demon..I don't know..

Here is me and Boo, she had to get in on it all...

I don't know what she is looking at, I am still trying to figure that out..

Well, don't miss me while I am gone...And I am half thinking I am gonna get swallowed up by the mean , fierce, frantic, Bossy loving ocean and its living mates the sharks.

Mind you, I am not going IN the ocean, just being on property on the ocean front is plenty close enough for this to transpire. Trust me, I am a witch.

Bee Real

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Holy crap

I think something is wrong..

My skin hurts, my muscles hurt, my head hurts, my stomach is making sounds that which resemble an F-16 fighter jet, and the smells leaking from the jet are very toxic.

My hair even hurts.

I am about 90% sure I will vomit in the next 2 hours...Its just a prediction.

I cant sleep, cuz I am so sickly feeling..I took a sleeping pill, if I puke it up, I will be madder then a wet hen.

Why do I always get the bugs months after everyone else? My kids had this weeks ago, I thought I was super man, the virus repelled of my steel encrusted armor, that hold my DD's.

My armor does not work.

When moms get sick, we still have to drag our lazy asses outta bed, get the kids breakfast, make lunches, comb hair, do a teeth cleaning inspection, and tie scarves around tiny heads.

Holy shit, I am gonna be sick...

Who will come hold my hair back so I don't get chewed noodles in my hair from dinner? I cut and colored it today. Myself...

Mr Shaky says it looks " real good"...I am not sure whether to believe him, I think he was hoping to get lucky, but when I told him there is a high probability of me puking in his mouth, he said, "yea I am tired anyway"

And what the hell is up with that astronaut wearing a wig, a diaper and equipped with a BB gun and rubber tubing?

I don't know whether to laugh, or be very fearful..I mean if NASA let this nut job thru, think of the countess hundreds...And yes, there is one in my family..Who works for NASA...

I unfortunately don't reap the financial benefits from that...So who the hell cares?

But that's two confirmed causes of crazy they let slip thru...

These are the ones who actually believe we went to the moon...Crazy fuc*ers.

Ok, I need to make a bathroom run...

talk amongst yourselves, I will give u a topic..

"is it pronounced warsher or washer? discuss amongst yourselves.

Bee Real

bee real

Saturday, February 03, 2007

Hot blooded

I have a few questions roaming thru my peanut size brain. I often have these bouts , I try to stop them, but I cant..

DO you ever wonder why when its your birthday, you have to supply the snack for work or school? Should not that be the one day you don't have to bring a damn thing? I mean, they should buy YOU the treat, that is some backwards shit.

Next on my pissing off list is...Why is it warmer in Alaska then it is here..I have set this up, so you can keep track of our arctic blast....So maybe u will feel sorry for me and maybe knit me a blanket.

The WeatherPixie

I like greens, pinks, and tans...

Next is I wonder why my Boo doesn't ever shut her mouth. This girl talks and talks. And she can talk about anything. Yesterday she talked for 10 minutes on how she thought a piece of cat food got into the living room.

I tell her to go sit down and keep quiet, or I may have to kill her. Then she says she just "wikes talking to me"

Shit, now what? She "wikes" talking to me.

I like to have quiet time. Just 30 minutes is all I ask for. If I bind and gag her for just 30 minutes, is that considered child abuse?

By this time next week I will near the ocean front. I do not like the ocean, nor the thought of it being in my backyard for 3 nights. The ocean is big, there are sharks in it, along with other various creatures and bugs. I always have this re-occurring dream of driving along the ocean side and a big ass wave comes over the road and throws my car into the water..Yup, its a very pleasant thought. I have had this dream since I was a kid. I even hated driving along the lakeshore when I lived in Michigan. I would always take the long way around it...I bypassed it..Even if it took me an extra hour, I bypassed it..

Well, I have lots of work to do. I need to go find my long underwear. I am thinking of starting a fire in the fireplace, only I don't have a fireplace...I am cool with just setting my carpet on fire.

My dog doesn't even wanna go out and take a leak..I think she is holding it in, I think I see her heading down to the litter box.

Yeah, so that's all I got.. Can someone please turn the gol dang heat up? Whom ever is hogging it, it is much needed here in MN. I don't for one second believe that Global Warming exist. Its bull pucky. Plain ole bull pucky.

Bee Real

Friday, February 02, 2007


I have had a harsh few days. The weather has been bitter cold, with our high for Saturday of only negative 6..With the low being negative 16 and with wind chills near negative 30. I feel like kicking a damn Eskimo right now..Kicking all of them.

So Blondie had her birthday. I think it went ok, but then again, it wasn't my birthday. Her grandma, Mr Shaky's mother, sent her a card. She normally sends them money in the amount of their age in their cards..Just something fun for them she does. Only this year she got it all wrong. She put 8 dollars in Blondies card, when indeed she was birthed 7 years ago.

Blondie was confused for a few minutes, wondering if I had been lying to her all these years...I indeed have her convinced that her granmother is lacking in the knowledge of her age, not her damn mother.

Here are some pics from our birthday blow out.

that was here before school today...

This is her farm cake......She made mention that this was the bestes cake she ever did see.

No I did not make it...

This is her posing with her presents. Notice the ghetto Christmas wrappings. I suck as a mother, wrapper, and birthday wrapping paper keeper/buyer.

This is the girls..Boo insisted on having her mug shot taken too...

There are my three lil tards....The Boy was angry. I told him to shut his trap, sit down and look like he is happy gol-damnit

She is trying to squeeze her head thru the railing..But she has a fat ass head, and I did not recommend her trying again, as I did not want to have to tear the railing apart to get her brains outta there.

This is the girls playing with one of Blondies new toys. She loves those damn petshop things...She almost has the whole collection...Because I spoil my kids with material things instead of emotional, and physcial love.

So that's that I guess.

So we all know Blondie is a world class wrestler. She normally has practice on Monday and Thursday. Only for the next 8 days, wresling of all kinds is banned in this whole state...

yes, the whole state.

why you ask?

well it seems that there is a ramip virus going around the wrestling circuit. What virus u ask.


you read that right. Herpes.

I swear, if my baby comes down with herpes.....

the boys will never touch her....

I am sending her anyway.

And they are blaming this horrific outbreak on a kid from Nebraska.

Some poor disease ridden youngin from Nebraska has tainted the whole state of Minnesota's wreslting team..

I thank him greatly....Thank you kid with herpes..

Lets give three cheers to the herpes simplex virus..

Hip Hip hooray...Hip Hip hooray..Hip Hip hooray.

oh and if the damn groundhog does not tell me spring is coming, I am going to find his hole, grab him out with my bare hands, tie him to a tree, kick him, glue his eyelids shut, kidnap his wife and kids, skin him and them probably kill him..

Bee Real

Thursday, February 01, 2007

They say its your birthday

*yes i know i am posting this early, I wont have time over the next few days to post anything, so stop your bitching for crying out loud*

ok, ya see a few years ago I birthed about the ugliest baby ever( if i had a scanner that worked i would show you the grotesk features i speak of). I mean this baby had
a black and blue face, a weird ass birthmark on its forehead and was freaking huge..I mean we are talking almost a nine pounder..And I pushed it out, all by myself.

This kid of mine has turned into a royal pain in my ass. You wanna know why? Cuz she has joined the wreslting team, and now boys can touch all over her, she has an attitude somedays, and she hates to clean her room.

This kid is some piece of work. Not only is she convinced that babies come from drinking salt water, but she encouraged me the other day to drink some..

This kid of mine had heart troubles last year, had to go to a cardiologist, whom told us she was going to be A-okay....And she better be...Or I will totally kill someone.

This kid chases boys on her, picks up worms, digs in the dirt, likes star wars, now has a new found love for farm life, and could watch animal planet for hours on end.

She does not give me a hard time about anything other then cleaning..She will walk up to me, and just say " momma I love you"

Or she will run to her room and tell me she is never going to talk to me again..

She loves to eat double cheeseburgers in her happy meals, she loves pizza from Pizza Hut, she hates spaghetti and now has a new hatred for my meatloaf...She refuses to eat the whole green bean, but only eats the tiny beans inside the green bean..

She loves white milk and chocolate milk, along with juice and water...She hates soda.

This is my kid...I was doing her up like a prostitute from the looks of this one.

This is her looking like a total bitch...

My little girl is growing fast, and I don't much care for it..I am scared of the day she wakes up and has boobies..I think I will die that day.

My little girl only stands by certain kids at the bus stop...She tends to only mingle with other girls whom look sorta like her...She is clichey that way...She will end up with less friends then me one day...

My girl has boys calling my house....One boy she totally body slams at wrestling, so its all good...I just hope that little pecker head isn't enjoying it.

In the last year my little girl has lost about 10 teeth...4 she had to have pulled due to the fact the dentist guy claims her mouth is too small..I say he is smoking crack..

My little girl likes to sun herself with me in the summer....But she looks way better in a swim suit then I do..

My little girl has drawn up the farm she wants us to live on...She says she wants to milk all the cows herself...By hand...What a dumbass

My little girl loves to bake..She loves being in the kitchen helping do anything. She likes to set the table and she likes to lick the batter ot of the bowl if we make a cake.

Yup. This is my girl.

Only I could have a kid who is that versatile in her likes and dislikes..

Only I could raise such a bad ass..

She is a little ripper some days. She always makes me smile. And I hate smiling.

On Thursday my baby will be 7 years old. She came out 2 weeks early weighing in at 8 pounds 13 ounces and 22 and half inches long..

she now proudly states to anyone that her weight is 46 pounds..She knows this cuz she is in wrestling dumb asses. Not because I make her weigh herself daily.

But if she offers me another glass of salt water, I am gonna kick her ass myself, and thoroughly enjoy it.

Happy Birthday my cutest little Blondie....No you are not getting a horse for your birthday, and No a boy cant go to your birthday party, cuz boys I would have to kill them.

Bee Real