Friday, December 19, 2008

Ho-HO-ho

edit at bottom..



Well this time of year is upon us once again. Not only is it colder than witches tits and brass monkey balls or whatever I have heard flying around the playground, but its also the Holiday Season.

Nope, can't call it...Christmas.....

I'm just saying, you cant, or you will die or have flames shoot out your ass or whatever.

Every year at this time I swear the next year I will be a fully converted Jew. And I am even too lazy to do that.

Don't get me wrong, I want to celebrate the birth of the Savior as much as the next Non Jew guy, but alas, I hate everything that the HOLIDAY stands for anymore.

I hate the trees, I hate the shopping, I hate the wrapping, I hate the chaos it causes in my house and most of all I hate that the FIL feels the need to invite himself over at this time of year.

And well, I will leave it at that.

But he is coming after Christmas. Although he said that if the gas prices went up or if the weather was bad, he may not come.

So just for a couple days, I am hoping gas goes to about 20 bucks a gallon, so fill up now...

We are getting a snow storm this weekend, but I am sure the mess will be cleared enough by next week..unless the county road crews go on strike or something..I will rule nothing out.

I did finally put the tree back up, although I nearly had the bitched cleared out to the road after it fell over and all my good stuff was broken into a million pieces.

I thought the falling of the tree was a sign I should convert to the Jew life..

The hubs told me it was a sign we need to keep the cat outta the tree.

Whatever.

My baby Boo went got her ears pierced today. She wanted pink diamonds. Real ones.

Thats what she said.

She looks so cute with her pink diamonds.

The other day Boo and Blondie broke the wishbone from the turkey, I forgot all about it so it has been sitting in the window sill for almost a month now.

Before the girls broke it, I told them each to make a wish and I explained to Boo that if she got the bigger half her wish would come true..

gotta give the kids false hope sometimes, its the parental thing to do

So the girls made wishes and they broke it.

Boo got the bigger half, she was all smiles...

I asked her what she wished for, because you wonder what goes thru a 5 year olds head when wishes are concerned.

She told me this..

"you will see"

Like she thought it would appear from the sky at any moment.

I told her she better tell me so in case it comes and she is not here, I know what I am looking for.

She then informed me she wished for a unicorn.

So I have been watching the UPS guy every time he comes by, looking to see if he is packing a one horned mythical creature in the back of his truck.

So far, nothing..and the UPS man is hottest guy in town, I mean no one should look that good in brown pants and a big square truck, but honestly he is a beautiful man...like he belongs on a calender in his underwear kinda hottness. He has the best arms, the nicest legs..

Ok enough about that..but I would love to see him under my tree with a Santa hat.

Nothing but a Santa hat.

I'm just sayin.

I hope everyone has all their ducks in order for the holiday..

Nothing like waiting until the last minute. I know some people work well under pressure, and I am not one of them...well I am, but I do not like it.

Anyway, this will be my last post until the new year, unless something happens and I just have to tell you.

But I highly doubt it.

So I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas and a Happy Hanuka..or whatever you celebrate.

Cuddle with the kids, snuggle with a bottle of your favorite liquor and get nasty with the Santa in your house, and if you are the Santa...go you!

Hope Santa is good to all of you..I am sure u have all been good boys and girls.

Love to all and..

Ho HO Ho. And Happy New Year



**..turns out i nearly severed my middle digit over the weekend...


wanna see?


i thought so u sick perv..


i have some stitches and a sore arm cause i had to get a damn tetnus shot as well.
so with that...have a darn good holiday.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

cold hearted snake

Over the last couple days it has been colder than a witches tit, whatever the hell that means.



Yesterday it was no warmer then negative 10, and now today it has warmed up to -7..I do not even look at the wind chill factor, because frankly when its that cold with no wind, it really does not matter much after that.



The schools were delayed two hours yesterday, why I am unsure because we did not get much snow..anyway, I knew I had to drive The Boy over to the Middle School as I knew I may get a call from Child Protective Services if they saw his ass walking in the 13 below zero streets. So in turn I knew I was going to have to drop Blondie off at the bus stop because unlike years past, the bus does not pick her up at the house anymore and now she must walk a few blocks and around the bend.



Anyhoo, I go out to warm up my car, because no one wants to sit in a car when its 100 below zero without at least cold heat blowing at your feet.



I go outside to start it, and ALL the doors on my car are frozen shut..SHIT.



I go try Hubs car, ALL his are frozen shut as well..so Now I need to think fast or these hoodlums are here all day..



To make a long story short, the hoodlums were here all day.



When I caleld the schools to let them know the tots were not coming, well they got a good giggle as to why..I then had to let them now I thought it was sort of assnine to delay it two hours because it sure as hell was not any warmer at 10am then it was at 8am, and when it is that cold, u should not even think a parent would allow a tot to even stand at the bus stop for one minute.



So yesterday was a long day...



But I made damn sure my doors opened today.



I was not taking any chances on them being here two days.



Here is a video I made last week..its Blondie being interviewed by her brother.



And the Hannah sheis talking about is her freind who use to live across the street that moved to Alaska..



I know..cold..






video




Today is a good day to wear a double layer of dungaree's...

Thursday, December 11, 2008

a little ditty, bout jack and diane

I don't really have much to blog about right now..

Sure I have gym stories, sure I have tot stories...

But guess what..I have a video..

A video outweighs a good story any day..

I have a feeling I will be failing a test soon..

I know..random..

Here is the video..

Oh and my dog knocked down my tree and I do not want to put it back up but everyone else is making me..

Ok, here is the video, I swear to God..


video

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

pink houses

I am officially tired of winter. And it has not even started yet.

Just thought I would let you know..

Remember when I was telling you about that tree of mine that still had leaves, well, it still has leaves...

I went to the gym yesterday. I was on some machine that is like an elliptical, but it is not..

anyway, I was going along and I wanted to adjust the resistance, because it was not high enough for me, and as I took my hand off the handle things, I nearly fell right off, right onto the cold dark floor.

Oh the humility.

Then after I was done, a man got on the same one, and it appears he was adjusting something too, but he was more unfortunate then I, because he actually lost his footing, I am sure I heard him say the F word..

Normally when I head to the gym I wear a pair of shorts under my sweats and take the sweats off when I arrive. For some reason yesterday I did not wear shorts under the dungaree's. And I forgot that.

It could have been arrested for indecent exposure... but I wasn't..I caught myself just in time.

That would of been bad, very very bad.

I mean hell, I have left the tanning salon room before without my shirt on..Its nothing new for me to forget to put clothing on.

And its not like I enjoy being nekkid, cause I do not. Well I do not mind if am showering or bathing, or doing naughty things with a certain hubs, but that is about it.

Even when I birthed out my kids I insisted all three times I keep my shirt on. No one likes their boobies hanging all out, and those gowns just are not a made for good boob coverage.

trust me on this. I mean if you are have barely there boobies, then you are ok, but anything more then a full c cup and you have boobage hanging out the sides of those bastards. Right where your arm should be.

But back to my story, I nearly whipped off my trousers in front of God and everyone.

People do not use the terms trousers or dungaree's enough.

Lets start doing that, shall we?

wow Suzie, those trousers make your bottom look so hot..

damn Martha, your dungaree's really make that booty of yours pop.

See, it kinda rolls right off the tongue.

Or you can try it this way..

damn Wayne, is that a cucumber in your dungaree's or are you just happy to see me?

It works both ways.

Give it a try today, you will be pleasantly surprised, I am sure of it. People will think you have class and charisma.

I'm just sayin.

Sunday, December 07, 2008

What I am is what I am...

So we did the Christian thing over the weekend and placed a live tree in the confines of my dwelling. I have big time issues with the whole tree in my house thing. its not that I hate Christmas trees per-say, its just I think cutting down a live tree to place lights and ornaments on it, is like murdering a good tree..



Ok, who I am kidding, I don't really give a shit about that, its the mess I don't like. The needles, the boxes you have to bring down from the attic, the chaos, the mess, the broken light strands, the ornament hooks falling on the ground for an unsuspecting foot to step on which in turn will cause a trip to the ER and a good tetanus shot.



I just can not handle my house in disarray. It makes me crabby and causes me to have bloating and bad gas.



The whole tree thing is just a puzzle to me to begin with. I just do not see the fascination with putting a tree, living or plastic, inyour home. I swear when my kids move out, I will not be putting a tree up anymore..My baby boo thinks Santa won't come if the tree is not in place.



That damn Santa anyway..Who needs him?



I sure as hell do not need him. He gets all the credit for all the good shit I buy for those tots.



Although my 6th grader knows that Santa is going through an economic crisis, the other two do not realize this.



It is going to be hard to explain to the tots why Santa only left them a pack of gum, tic tacs, and some underwear.



But hell, those things always come in handy. You can never have too much underwear..



And why do people call it a "pair" of underwear, when clearly, all underwear is worn in the singular form, unless you have some rare birth defect and have been afflicted with two asses..and then I apologize.



Here is the tree.























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Notice my baby girl...She is wearing jeans, and fashionable sweater with a nice dress overlay. She loves to dress herself.






I have been told about this job. To be a reporter for our local paper. Someone is suppose to get a hold me me this week. I am unsure I want to do this, yet I think it may be very entertaining, and this bitch loves to be entertained.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy

Well, my gym experience is turning out to be a great thing..Not only do the down Syndrome dudes think I am hot, the one young guy thinks I have great muscular legs and the one guy that drools on the treadmill is always winking at me.

I don't know what home those guys live at, but I make sure I am there whenever their van pulls in.

We middle aged women need an ego boost where ever we can find it.


My son came home from school today at 3:30. Which was odd because he normally does not come home until like 5:30 or so, because he stays after school everyday for some study group thing....

So he comes hobbling in my door wearing a nice shiny pair of crutches.

I think to myself..

self, what the hell is your kid doing with crutches and what disabled kid did he beat up to get those?..I am not gonna wanna take THAT phone call.

I guess he fell in gym class and skinned up his knee or something and the Jr High school nurse felt it warranted a good crutch.

But I wonder why they do not call the parent of said child to warn them they are coming home with crutches, so we do not think they beat up a disabled guy on the way home.

Not that my kid has ever beat up anyone before, but I mean ya never know...I do not know what he does between here and the school grounds.

He may live a double life...

But I guess...he...does...not.

I want to to talk to you people about this show I watch. this show is something else.

Its called..

The Drs

It is a talk show format with a couple of doctors on there...

One is a gyno, one is a pediatrician, one is a plastic surgeon and the other one, I refer to him as the Head Douche bag.

This show is like a train wreck and I can not stop watching it.

I do not know what it is about douche bags, but I am drawn to them like flies on a dung ball.

I feel as though I have a galloping case of the stupids when I am done watching it.

another show that makes me have the willy's is that show with the couple with 18 kids.

Holy shit, what cult is that called?

Oh yeah, the douche bag cult...they are the leaders.

I was watching it one day and their oldest son, whom is 20 or something like that, got engaged to this girl he barley knows..

They have never kissed and the have to go on chaperoned dates and had to ask to make sure it was ok they could hold hands.

Now, there is no way I would marry anyone without well...knowing what I am buying.

If ya know what I mean..

I'm just sayin...

How can u form a bond with anyone if u are saving your first kiss for your wedding day?

If you don't kiss or snuggle or at least get to second base, your nothing more then that girls gay friend.

I just find it bizarre.

Maybe I watch to much tv at night.

Yes, I am sure that's what it is...

Monday, December 01, 2008

back in black

As you can see, I had a face lift. I was tired of being flip flop momma. I needed a change. Change can be good.

I will now be referred to as Rocker Mom...get use to it...got it?

Moving right along..

I went to the gym tonight and rode 8 miles on the bike and did 15 minutes on the elliptical machine...those machines are sorta like being buried alive, or what I assume it must feel like.

it was hell. That was first time I have ever really been on one. I normally run 4 miles a day on my treadmill, so this was quite the workout, let me tell you.

I was hoping for cardiac arrest in the middle of it so I had an excuse to stop. But no, my ticker kept right on ticking in a normal rhythm. Curse my good strong heart.

I did get a free tshirt because my access card wont let me in the building like it should.

Go Me.

I was there about 2 hours, I tanned for 15 minutes and tried killing myself the remaining time.

While I was on the elliptical machine, this really cute man with Down Syndrome was biking next to me..he was there with his posse'. Or what I assume to be a posse'.

When he was done he walked over to me and told me I was pretty, even though my hair was sweaty.

And another guy, he did not have a posse, told me I had nice legs.

and I do, i really really do....they are all tone and full of buttocks kicking muscle..I don't mean to gloat, but yeah, its all true.

I think I will go every time I need a self esteem booster..

If the guy with Down Syndrome thinks I am pretty and the young guy..(who was very cute) thinks my legs are hot, why wouldn't I go back?

Maybe they have these guys planted in there, to keep us middle aged women who need a boost in our ego's coming back.

I will tell you what...

It worked.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

When its right its right why wait till the middle of a cold dark nite

Well it is over. They came, they went, and now the house is quiet.

Having the mother in law here was not so bad. Normally people in space get on my nerves in seconds flat...I am not a people person..As everyone knows. But it was not so bad having them here.

They got here Tuesday night, and left early Sunday morning..

I spent all day Wednesday preparing for the dinner, I made my pies ahead of time, because it takes a lot to scrape the flesh off the pumpkins and what not..

Thursday we got up early to get that damn bird in the oven..Everything smelled so good, it was making me crazy..Like i wanted to start stabbing things because i was so hungry. But I did not.

Then it was time to eat, I had 12 people at my table and things were going well.

Then I knocked over a candle and nearly set Pale Girl's lap on fire and spilled her soda on the floor.

Then I was hit with my medical condition and was unable to eat anything at all, which in turn made me wanna stab and kick things.

I will not go into detail, but I have something wrong that makes it hard to swallow at times, and well, it hit me at thanksgiving dinner, and it was a big downer.

I have been unable to eat much of anything last couple days, I am sure its nothing that a doctor can not fix, but why would I do that?

My mother in law kept the dishes clean. That was nice. I think I bore her so much she dirtied dishes on purpose just to have something to do.

And that was ok with me.

We sat around playing cards and drinkin some hard stuff...ya no, that is what keeps family together..

Liquor.

Oh I had to join my local gym here in town..

No No, my treadmill is still alive and well...its just my doctor told me that with the way my remaining sliver of thyroid was running..(which its not I guess) and since I refuse to take pills, I need to burn an EXTRA 800 calories per day...yes, I said per day, in order to maintain the weight I am at...and an extra 1200 in order to lose any.

This is on top of the hour I spend on the treadmill a day as well as working with my weights.

So, in the mornings I will be hitting the gym for two hours, then again after supper time. Since its open 24 hours a day, I can go up at 2am if I so please.

or I could just have the rest of my cancerous thyroid taken out and take my pills, and I would not have to resort to such measures.

But I do not like pills, or having my throat cut open. because trust me, that is no fun at all..

I have decided I am going to take a snow removal job somewhere in Siberia. I can not drive a stick, or drive well in slippery conditions, and do not know how to plow anything, but hell, they offered...its not like Siberia is that far away or anything.

I know that was just a random thing, I am sorry...

My mind has been wandering a lot lately too...

I think I may have done something really stupid....but I said that before and it turned out ok.

But really, you need to think things thru before you do such acts.

Ok I know...random again.

I told you, my mind has been wandering lately. I am like a two year old..shiny objects distract me.

My turkey looked good though..

Can you believe I did not take one photo over the long holiday weekend?

Told ya, my mind has been in other places, and it needs to come back home.

I started getting some Christmas things out, but I swear it feels like i just put them away..

I was going to get our tree, but decided we would do it next weekend because I can only handle one holiday per week.

And frankly, I hate messing up the house with trees and shit...I do not like messes or having things out of place, it kinda makes me crazy.

Just like I can not have a dirty dish in my sink...or all hell breaks loose.

If you put one fork in there, I will come right behind you and wash that bastard so fast you do not even remember what you used that fork for.

I'm just sayin..

And putting a tree inside my house just causes me to have heart palpitations and sweaty palms..

Not to mention the glass ornaments, the decorations placed about...

I just can not handle it...Not this early.

I think the day before Christmas is ok...as long as you take it right down after the shit is all opened.

So to sum up the last couple days...

the MIL came, i baked shit, my turkey looked handsome enough to eat, I could not swallow and was unable to partake in anything, I had to join the gym because my body hates and wants me to die, I hate putting trees in my house and I hate dirty dishes.

Yup, that covers it..

Oh and I have had some really bad gas cramps too...went thru a whole box of gas-x in the last 3 days.

Just thought you would like to know.


Sunday, November 23, 2008

Crappy Holidays!

It seems another Thanksgiving is yet upon us. Are you prepared? No?...well, Martha Stewart and I will be the first to tell you that you suck donkey balls. There, I said it.




I myself am no Suzie homemaker or anything, but I do make all my crap from scratch, cause well, I'm just awesome. Thanksgiving is about the only holiday that I take the time to make myself look better then I really am. My house is extra clean, the kids are extra polite, I clean the litter box with a little extra love, and I look extra hot.




I'm just sayin..


Now for Christmas you would think that I would go all out and make the house glow with all the trimmings and whatnot's that totally commercialize the whole season.



And I do...


But every year around Christmas, it is just too stressful, and every year I always put it on my to-do list to become a Jew.


Jews have it easy this time of year. They do not have the bother of cutting down trees, wrapping presents, hanging the stockings, and sending out Christmas Cards.





Sure they have those 8 days during Hanuka, but heck, I can swing 8 days, Christmas starts around August, and goes till around Jan 1st. And that shit ain't right.




I love Jesus as much as the next guy, I really do. But there comes a time where people take the Holiday too far.


And by too far I mean setting shit out in September with the back to school supplies.




But lets get back to Thanksgiving...






I do like this day...I do not watch football, nor do I watch the parades. What I do like though, is to eat


I do like to eat..Eat, drink and be freakin merry.




Who doesn't like to be merry?




I thought I better do my normal thankful list..so lets just get to it.


I am thankful that I still have my house, because some people well, are celebrating Thanksgiving in a box down by the river...cause they can not afford the van payments either..



I am thankful the hubs still has a job, and a good one...cause some people do not have jobs or can not find jobs, including me...




I am thankful my kids are so cute...because well, they could look like fugly trolls..


I am thankful for my haircut, I have been told countless times I look 10 years younger, and for that I say...





bottoms up..




























I am also thankful for the fact that my dog has not had shit caked to her ass in months..and all thanks to me, because I am also thankful that I realized I am a very talented dog groomer.



























I am also thankful I have not seen this bastard in quite some time...because holy toots, he scares the shite out of me!
















Now that I have creeped you all out, lets get back to being thankful, because the good Lord wants to us to be thankful, so lets not let Him down.




I am also thankful that my 6th grader will more then likely be on the honor roll this year, last year he had a shitty year and I nearly killed him...I guess hitting Jr High turns a boy into a man..























Although he has no facial hair, and doesn't take my Shape magazine into the bathroom with him...yet...He is still shaping into a fine young man.


I am thankful my little girl is doing so well in school, she may be in advanced classes before the year is over...she clearly gets her smarts from...




the hot UPS guy..































I am also thankful my baby has outgrew the likes of the wiggles and has moved on to bigger and better things..





Like Zac Efron..
























Although as most of you know, I was totally in love with that blue wiggle...

I am also thankful for eggnog. I just had some and I must say, that shit taste better every year.



Being thankful for stupid things is better than not being thankful at all...remember that boys and girls.



I am thankful we got thru this year with no major illness from anyone..that's always a plus..



No one died, other then bad grandma and that does not really count..after all, I did get to make a killer kick ass road trip and see weird things...



I like weird things.



I am thankful I finally passed my MN drivers test, otherwise I would not of been able to drive over 20 states in the span of 3 months..I would had to ride shot gun.



And I am a very bad backseat driver...this is why I wont let the hubs drive anywhere. He makes me nervous.



Even though I only got to one damn show this year, when normally I hit at least 4 or 5..That my Lepp was totally kick ass, and I even got pulled on stage..





















and I also had the best company at the show...it was steller.



























It made the trek to Iowa not so crappy...and it was so flippin hot out..But it was awesome.





I am hoping the Lepps plan a better tour next year, or there will be a strongly worded letter written.




I am also thankful I was able to hang out with some old friends over the summer back in the homeland, as I am not sure I am making it at all this year, I will have to just look back fondly on the time I had..




























































I guess I am thankful for a lot of things....


but mostly, im thankful I have went another year without dying, cause you really never know when that might happen, and really, there is still another full month Left and I may have spoken to soon...







I never thought about that...shit...







Anyway, I hope all of you who come here and read, whether you have ever left a comment or not, whether this is your 1,000 time here or your first..







Have a Merry Thanksgiving and Happy over-eating.







so from my dysfunctional family to yours...







Happy eatin..

























Thursday, November 20, 2008

dont worry, B happy

Do you ever notice people's teeth? I am a self proclaimed tooth looker. I always think there is no reason why a kid has more silver in their mouth then I have in my pocket, and I also do not understand why so many adults have snagle teeth..

There is this one woman that works at a place i go to once in a while, and she has the most hideous teeth..some are missing and the ones she has are blackened like cat fish.


But the other day when I ran into to her, I noticed something different about her..low and behold, she had dentures..


It sorta looked like she had horse teeth...like her teeth were too big for her mouth..


I swore it was Mr Ed, only he is slightly better looking.


Then I have to wonder, does she realize she looks like she has horse teeth?





I bet she thinks she looks all swanky and cool kinda like this.







































When in reality she looks more like this.























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I sorta feel bad for her because she looks way worse now..

I kinda miss the snaggle teeth, because frankly the horse teeth scare the shit outta me.

~

Yesterday I was thinking about my driving trek out west this past summer, when I tried listening to my Jimmy Buffet CD and wondered why the damn thing wouldn't work, then I realized it was a DVD, not a CD...

and I just giggled..out loud.

to myself..

Then I thought about me driving in Amarillo Texas and getting a tad lost and ended up going down a very busy one way street.

The wrong way.

And I giggled again.

Then I thought about the time my friend and I went to the Mexican restaurant last month and having the lady tell us her cooks were deported so she wasn't serving food that day..

that made me giggle too..

because seriously, who shuts down a restaurant because the cook was deported?

i mean holy crap.


Only in this town people, only in this town.

When u go to bed at night, you can thank your lucky stars you don't live here..

The folks in this town just keep getting better and better...

Gawd I cant wait to move...

The horse teeth, the deported cooks, the meth dealers..( we have a drug treatment center JUST for kids, ages 11-18)...I worked at it briefly, but it was way too damn depressing..

I guess I did too much thinking today..

and too much giggling, i think i wet myself.

~

Here is some more Aussie slang for you people wanting to learn more..

A Bastard is a term of endearment..

Chunder means to vomit...so when u are full as a boot and ready to chunder..

that means you drank to much and are puking.

Have a naughty, means making whoppie..

Old fella, well sorry boys but thats a penis.

Piss...as in.."im gonna hit the piss"

that means your going to go drink beer, piss is beer.

So there is your lesson for today..

G'day

Monday, November 17, 2008

its a mistake

When I was a younger gal I did some questionable things. Hell, even as an older gal I still find myself doing questionable things. And I admit it.

Back in the day for a good time and a hell of a laugh, some friends of mine and I would go out to say a club and have fun with people...

wanna know what kinda fun?

We would go in a talk with accents, pretending we were from across the pond..

My one pal was always British...She could nail a British accent bloody damn well..

My other pal, she could nail an Irish one like no body's business, like you would swear she was part leprechaun...

My accent, well...I mastered this at an early age, because my favorite movie as a older kid was Crocodile Dundee..So it only seemed natural for me to embrace my inner wallaby.

and I was killer...I mean dead on. I once ran into someone from down under whilst pretending to be down under myself.

If you know some of the terminology of the outback, your going to be ok..

This was the first line I said to the gentleman when I found out he was from Aussie..

between you and I, most of these Americans have a kangaroo lose in the top padlock.

yeah, he got a good chuckle out of that.

Then I would say things like..

you seem like a real ridgy didge.

He nodded and thanked , me.

See when you go out with your fake accents, you need to be brushed up on the land your pretending to reside from.

You need to know the lay of the land, the common talk, and slang..

To master these things takes some skill, and some real dedication. Its not for just anyone.

Then the man said to me..

your just a wonder, a true fair suck of the sav.

to which I said..

aww, good onya.

Truly if u want to learn about a land or culture. You need to live it, breathe it and no the currancy.

Get a book, read it, brush up on the accent, and your good to go.

But don't go mixing slang...cause that will not roll..

You can not for example tell someone your from say Britain, and then not speak the proper slang.

You should try and throw in things about tea and biscuits, call your friends your "mates" and call your house or apartment your flat. And make some comment about teeth.

Always remember too, when your taking about a vacation or having time off from work, its called goin on holiday.

If u slip and say your going on a vacation, you might just as well pack up and go to another bar, because your just freakin blew it dumb ass.

You need to be smart...you can not go blowing it for all us people who work hard at trying to be all cultured and shit

I recommend everyone doing this at least once, but I highly suggestion you don't do it in your hometown. Venture out of bounds a bit, where you don't know anyone.

See if you can be in character all night long..It takes a lot of know how, and dedication. And if your drinking, it poses a greater risk. But for some, including me, its easier, because I get more loose and free with my words and my accent just gets better with every sip.

I have not done this for several years, well frankly because I don't know anyone who is capable of pulling off such a stunt here. It takes a special kinda person to be able to not foil up the whole event.

This is the type of thing you can not just let anyone do with you. They need to be trained. They need to go thru a rigorous training system. It could take years before they are fully able to execute a proper faking.

Some of you might want to start out small, and just start with Canada before you try and do bigger things. Start out small and easy, then work your way up to a tougher accent..kinda like learning a new skill, you start out slow, u can not expect to perfect anything over night.



I do miss those days...

I think I am going to start referring to all my pals as blokes.

I rather like that term, and not enough people use it..

We all need to start using it. Right now, turn to the closest person to you and say this..

how was your weekend? My blokes and I went out this weekend and we got full as a boot and ended up tippin over a dunny.

You may get fired if the person next to you is like your boss, but live and learn.

I think we could all use a good geography lesson.

Try it..its good fun, I'm tellin ya.

Good'day blokes.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

4 those about 2 rock, we salute u

Thanksgiving is fastly approaching. As a kid I always loved Thanksgiving. We would go to my grandma and grandpa's or an aunts house for the meal and just ate till I puked. When I was a kid I never realized the preparation of putting together such a meal. And frankly I didn't give a crap, because that was the adults job...


After I got married we still would go to those same places...we never made Thanksgiving, mainly because I don't like a lot of people in my space and I hate doing dishes, those are the two main reasons.


I still do not like those things, but I now know sometimes you have to do shit you don't want to. Its called being a grown up. Even though I am 33 years old, I tend to forget I am the grown up.


I always liked going to other peoples homes and eat them outta house and home, and then let them clean the mess.


This is what people do to me now.


This Thanksgiving I invited my dad, my MIL and a couple other heathens in the great lake state..


Only taker I had was the mother in law.


I plan big meals for this day, the kinda meal that keeps u full till Christmas. And I am a good cook to. The hubs he is in charge of the turkey and I handle everything else.


That includes pies made from scratch..cause I am just that fuckin awesome.


So far there have been no mishaps, nothing has ever been under cooked, or over cooked. Yet.


We did have a mishap but I don't recall if it was turkey day or Christ day, but the table was set on fire..


don't ask.


This year I am having a full house. 12 people will be eating here. That means 12 people I need to clean up after, 12 people I will dislike for a couple months after the festivities, 12 people who will be using my bathrooms, and making themselves cozy on my sofa's.


Now seeing how I am not a people person, this could cause some friction.


Then to top it all off the father in law kind of invited himself here for Christmas. And this makes me all constipated. And no one likes to be under that much angst.


I am thinking though I might make a Charlie Brown Thanksgiving this year..


ya no, have toast , popcorn and pretzels.


My dog would be in charge of the toast, The Boy will be in charge of popping the corn and Blondie will be in charge of putting the pretzels in a bowl and putting paper plates on the table.


My job will be to supervise this event from the coach.


I can see alot from here and I do think it will go smoothly.


There will be no football being watched, instead we will gather round the campfire and play Risk, for 2 days.


because holy shit, that game can last for days and days..


Then Saturday we will go out and get the crappiest looking tree we can muster. We will look in other peoples yards for pine trees, because we are too cheap to buy one.


We will go out when the sun goes down, with a handsaw and just start hacking the crap outta someones tree.


We will more then likely steal one with rabid animals living in it, as well as infested with termites. Oh and one bat.


I will then use the left over popcorn from dinner and string it around the tree..and hang the left over pretzels as ornaments.


I will then get an array of solar lawn lamps that i will steal of course and tie them to the tree for our lights..


I'm just trying to cut corners, thats all.


its called being fiscally responsible and Suzie Orman would approve.


Look, here is my dog, she is ready to rock.




She likes her pretty dress.....My mom bought it for her at the Walfart...
Walfart can provide the stupidest things...
And we all know the top notch humans work at them..
Boo-Yaaaaa
So this holiday season, cut corners where u can...God understands.

Monday, November 10, 2008

dont need nothin' but a good time

Picture this. I am in a class filled with third graders. I have a third grader, so this is not odd, really its not..

This place where we are will come in effect here in a moment. Because what happen in this room not only will haunt me till I die, but is going to live down in history, kinda like Rudolph and what nots.

So here I am, in this room with about 15 third graders, as well as at least one parent per each child.

So this is a lot of people..

I normally set my phone on vibrate whilst in a group of people, because that's just how I roll...Even when I was in a room with Bill Clinton with 5,000 other people, I still had it set to vibrate..

plus i liked feeling the vibration whilst being within good groping distance from him..

I'm just saying.

So, I am in a room with third graders and their parents..and I am there with my third grader.

Them BAM, it happened.

My phone went off.

Loudly.

Now I have a different song for each person who calls me..

Now why could it of not been my mom calling, because her song is "faith" by George Micheal, because she hates him...I tend to do things like that.

that is a nice song, a soft song...

Or hell, even my default song woulda been better then what transpired.

"fat bottom girls" by Queen...a good wholesome song..

well, kinda...

But instead of those, this is what BLARED in a room with third graders and parents..

" I'm a bitch, i"m a bitch, oh the bitch is back, stone cold sober as a matter a fact, I can bitch, I can bitch cause I'm better then you, its the way that I move, and the things that I do..ohh-ohh-ohh"

Yes, Elton John The Bitch is Back..

Then, my phone is buried somewhere in my purse and I can not find it, so it plays over and over and over and over and over and over..

u get the idea...

So this played while I am in a room with third graders...

Want to know what third graders get..

there first Bible..

so this was at the class where the third graders learn about their new Bibles.

And I soiled the experience with The Bitch is Back..

The pastor says..

wow, i love Elton john too...

Thats me, just keepin it real in the House of the Lord.

Friday, November 07, 2008

Its raining men



I never claim to be good at any one thing. I am however, say, mediocre at lots of things, but not good at any one thing. And I admit that. Just like I am admit I am lazy. It takes someone with a lot of balls to admit they are lazy.


Can I do things other people can not?


as Sarah Palen would say...


u bethca!



and add an elegant, yet redneck wink at the end...


Can I do things millions of other yahoo's can do...



affirmative.





This past week has been nothing short of a miracle. Not only did I build a boat so that the hubs and I can swim safely to the middle to do naughty things, I also had our tin can telephone line installed.



My oldest daughter, ya no Blondie?...Look here is her school picture, I forgot to show u.



























Well she is involved in many activities. She goes to this club called Pioneer Girls. Its thru a local church and they meet every Wednesday..Then on Thursday she has another group she goes to called Girl Power. She leaves for that at 5:30 and doesn't get home till close to 9.


They feed all the kids dinner, its at someones house..She will come home and tell me they had steaks, and like last night, they had roast with all the fixins.


This too is another churchy kinda group..She likes that kinda shit, God love her and bless her cotton socks.


I am thinking of going to Girl Power with her, because hell, they get better meals then I cook.



So the other night The Boy was getting on her about all her girl clubs she is in. She then tells him that there is a boy version of Girl Power called God's Soldiers.


he then made some smart ass remark like all pre-teens and middle school aged hoodlums do. And you know what my daughters come back was..


Instead of kidney punching him, she told him..


with that attitude, I would say you really need it mister..

and then she asked what was so funny about being one of God's Soldiers..because God isn't funny.


Oh, you just gotta love the crap that comes outta tots mouths..doncha?


~


We all know I know how to cut hair..And you have all seen the mess I have done when I have tried grooming my dog.


Last time I think I made her bleed and she hid in the closet for weeks.


Not only that, but she resembled some sort of third world country dog who was in line to be taken to the slaughter house to be the next nights kibble at the local eatery.


She looked like she had a case of the mange...


sad really.


But this time, this time I think I perfected my dog grooming techniques..I am really actually very impressed with how my masterpiece turned out.


But the finishing touch, thats is what makes the cut..

Here, let me show u.



















See her custom made sweater...my mom bought it at Walfart..so it was custom made in Pakistan I'm sure...

My dog right now wont even look at me, or come near me.


She is fearful of me when I have scissors in my hand.

As anyone with common sense should be.


*
*
*
*
*
*
Just look at the fear in her eyes as I walk by her...if she could reach the steak knives, I'm sure my days would be numbered.
Any dog groomer could take a look at that and see its pure perfection. I even used my hair dryer to dry her off..
Just a personal touch dogs get outta me.
It snowed today...
So I'm in my heated bunker with a bottle of vodka and and O magazine.
See ya in the summer bitches...

Sunday, November 02, 2008

50 ways to leave your lover


So, I am still on a downward spiral from not being groped by Bill Clinton last Thursday. He did however make eye contact with me once, or twice..I even made the hubs stand way in the back of me as to not make me look taken. Not that it would matter when it comes to the groping or fondling of the former leader.


But I must admit, I have been having impure thoughts about him ever since I met him.




I mean VERY impure..the kinda thoughts that would send you to the chamber.




~




Last week the hubs and I got a new bed. We had our previous one since 2002. It served its purpose, we manged to make one baby with it.




Thats all you need a good mattress for.




This was a full queen, or something, bigger then a regular queen, and well, after three kids puking and or peeing on it, I thought it might be time to get a new one.




Actually, I gave it to my mother....




and I chuckle every time she lays on it.




We got a King sized bed. I have never had a King sized bed.




And now I know why.




We go to bed, I go to my side, he goes to his...and well, there is a land mass the size of Lake Superior in the middle.




And I like it.




Its kinda like sleeping alone.




I can lay on my side, be spread eagle...and not even come close to touching him.




The other night he was talking to me, and i did not even know it, until he started screaming.




We need one of those tin cans on a rope thing so we can have easier communication.




hey honey, wanna get naked?




huh?..what?




get your tin can out...HONEY, get your tin can out...




what?




I cant hear you...




TIN CAN...get it out..




oh hell..






then one of us just takes our pajama's off and takes a boat across the lake to mate with the other one.




Good times, good times..


~




Moving right along..




what the hell is the deal with Halloween? Why do people dress up their yards and homes for the holiday, yet don't hand out candy?




Ya know what I wanna do to those people?




Kill em.




I took my girl tots out for the special event where we go pan handling door to door for shit that will give them cavities and make them hyper.




And more then half of the homes were not even handin it out...




My girls had their tiny dreams crushed...we walked aimlessly for two hours.




They did manage to score some good loot at the places that were in the giving mood.




Look, here my tots are.





















Look, these are the pumpkins I carved..cause I am crafty and shit.


Since I know some of you slower ones wont know what they are, but its not because I am a bad carver..GOT it?
The top one is a skeleton, middle is a ghost in a window, the bottom one is a bat..
yes its a bat...
damn it.