Friday, March 09, 2007

Lovesexy

I know I complain about the snow. Its cold. Its slippery. Its a bitch to drive in. Its white, and I hate white.

But I really hate it when 3 feet of snow snow starts to melt. You see, when this happens, the streets flood, there is slush all over, and there are puddles formed that u don't realize how deep they are until you step in it. And the water comes to your ankles. Then your socks are wet, along with your shoes. Your pissed. You swear. Your kid will tell you.." I would prefer it if you would not use those words around me, thank you in a advance for next time, u potty mouth bad mom"..blah blah blah..

I don't know why, but some how I am raising kids that do not like to hear curse words. Well for the exception of Boo, but she is to retarded to know they are swear words, and she will say damnit if things don't go her way. But it does make me proud that she knows how to use it in the approaite settings. Its not like she is using it wrong. She may be retarded, but hell, she is a retard who can use the cuss words in proper form.

so its all good.

I am a bad mom, I know. I make them go to bed by 8 on school nights, make them bathe at least once a month, make them clean their rooms on a bi-annual basis, let them play spin the bottle, and let them listen to the Prince Lovesexy album complete with sexually explicit lyrics and all. I am trying to develop well rounded, well informed mentally challenged kids. How are they going to know what masturbate means if not for listening to a good Prince CD? How will my son know what boobies look like if he doesn't get to play spin the bottle with some college girls?

My son will be 10 next Saturday. I am having a hard time with this. You want to know why? Because, it means that not only am I ten years older, but it also means that pretty soon he is gonna need tos tart carrying condoms in his wallet..Shit I better buy him a wallet.

In 3 years he will be a teen, in 6 years he will be driving, in 8 years he will go off to college...

This means I could be a grandmother in like 10 years.

I am not ready for all that. I like dealing with my boy wanting to go sledding, playing video games, drawing cartoons, working in his "office" writing books, playing with army men, thinking girls are gross and way over rated, and trusting his mom and believing every thing she says.

He doesn't know yet that I am insane. He does not know yet, I don't understand his math. He still thinks I am the smartest woman on Earth next to God and his teacher.

But someday soon this will all change, and I will have to send him to boarding school. I am ok with that.

Wednesday is Shakys birthday. He will be 36. When the hell did I become the wife of an older man? When did I become married to a fuddy duddy?

Everything is going wrong...

I feel like baking a cake, and eating the whole thing. In celebration of me putting up with all this shit for all these years.

Crap, the three year old wants some crackers and applesauce. What the hell kind of combination is that?

damnit..

I need to go kick my dog because she is barking now...Son of a bitch.

Bee Real

25 comments:

Neurotic1 said...

If there is one thing I hate more than snow- it is the dirty wet crap that comes when it melts! You know if everyone else is getting older- you are too! Just a thought! Butch shouldn't need condoms quite yet, but be ready for those nice wet dreams to start! Are ya ready?

Karin said...

Man I hate soggy socks more than words can express so I give you permission to Bitch about it. Wow you are the parent of a child in double digits! Good thing I am starting so late cause it will be a long time before I am.

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

neurtic,
I cant hear u...I did NOT hear u say anything abut wetdreams..I did not hear it..

Karin,
I am getting old, soon your little fetus will be ten..before u know it..trust me

Blazer1234 said...

Melting snow sucks-ass, and so do teenagers. So enjoy the time you have with your boy while he still thinks you are the smartest person in the world.

js said...

well i think i'll take my bopy and help him with his upcoming man-dom.
you by the wallet and I'll buy the condoms.
my lil guy becoming a man
and you a granny
haaaaaaaaaaaaa
what the lil'ns gonna call you??
Big Momma?
haaaaaaaa
js

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

Blazer,
I am afraid I am looking more stupid to the boy as the minutes, days, weeks go on...

Slick willy,
if anyone EVER calls me Big Momma, those will be the last words the mutter.

js said...

u gonna answer to granny? old gal or what?

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

my kids call my mom by her first name..not because she wants them to, but because thats what they do...she has tried since they were babies to get them to call her grandma, they wont...so I am cool with them calling me Bossy:)

Miss 1999 said...

It'a alright, girl-- you've still got a few years, enjoy them! PS: When the time comes, make sure he doesn't carry condoms in his wallet-- make sure he carries them smartly, in the car ;0)

Ok, I'll behave now... ;0)

The Kept Woman said...

Crackers and applesauce? Sounds like she's firming up a future dump in there!

Our yard is a sloppy wet field of sludge...which is a sure sign the Flip-Flop Season is on its way!!!

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

Miss 1999,
he wont be allowed to drive a car till he is 30:)..I will tell him to thank u for that new rule!hehe

TKW,
I have shorts on today..its a balmy 47 right..yee haw bitches...I have been sporting my flip flops for two weeks now:0

ktlee said...

I am excited, I saw temps for this weekend, 48 for Saturday. The sunroof will be open.

Hails said...

Dude, he was gonna grow up sometime. Maybe we can invent a stay kid drug...oh wait boys are like that anyways!!!

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

Ktlee,
amen girl...flip flop weather is on the way:)

Hails,
tell me about it, boys never grow up..

Peggy said...

Don't forget to put on dry socks for Mr. Shaky Pants birthday. And make you sure you guys have protection so you don't have to explain to Butch how you got pregnant. LOL.... have a great weekend and just think when the snow is all gone you can smell the flowers.

Bossy said...

shit shit shit..

I am having issues, I cant log into my blog, why did i switch to beta? If i dont post in the next few days, this is why..shoot..

can anyone help me?..anyone, anyone, anyone..my blog is gone from the dashbaord..its gone..poof..gone..

shit...when i typed in my google mail, i spelled it wrong, now i cant access anything..damnit

sons a bitches..help me.

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

Peggy,
oh gosh, protection will be had at all times..hehe

Plus Blondie thinks u get pregant by drinking salt water and eating fatty foods;)

Princess said...

Lol... You are so funny Bossy! I thimk you are thinking way aaahead of time. No matter what he figures out about you, YOU are always going to be his mum, and you can never do wrong. He will always love you!

ps. Ewww... you let them listen to Prince! ;)

ps. you are such a good mum.. never change.
xoxo

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

Princess,
no, really they do not listen to Prince...I was being sacastic:)

but thank you, your very sweet, and trust me, before long he will need condoms in his wallet because holy shit it seems like I just birthed him out yesterday and its already been a damn decade..

~Deb said...

Kids grow up way too fast. But, make sure that wallet is filled up with lots of money from hard work......and about the condemts - better that than a girl trying to get child support. *w

However, you. need. to. calm. it. down. girl! You're giving yourself anxiety!!! Relax and THEN panic when the time comes.

Let's cruise out for a drink or five! I'm paying. I hear Hooters has some great WINGS! :) (Hopefully your son will appreciate the WINGS above anything else in that fine dining restaurant.)

Brandy said...

Now you know how I feel! LOL Mine will be 15 this year though. Some days I miss my little boy. Now I like to take a frying pan to him most days! I feel sorry for the poor girl who dates him. He is just like his father! Ugh!!!

Kendra Lynn said...

Thank God I have girls...keep your boy/young man away from MI okay?
I am going to be a VERY protective/stern/mean mother to my girls when they become teens. I've already made up my mind that I'm choosing husbands FOR them.
Never mind that we live in a free society!
Arranged marriages are the way to go, baby!

Kendra

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

Deb,
shoot, all that sounds awesome, but I dont like hot wings..haha

Brandy,
I think when my kids turn that age, I will move to a retirement home.

Kendra,
yes, arragned marrieges at like 30 are good..I am with u on this whole thing.

Michael Manning said...

HA! You made me laugh as I recalled our "coming of age" using cuss words. We "found" reasons to infuse them into every sentence and we felt empowered. lol! I've owed you a visit and I'm always cracking up at your stories!!! :)

Jamie Dawn said...

Your boy is only 10. You have some time before you need to panic over his "development."
My son is 16 going on 17 next month, and I have managed to deal with him okay.
I feel like an old lady having kids ages 16 and 18, but they are a lot easier to manage at this age than when they were little.
So far they haven't rebelled against me or anything like that... thank the Lord!
My hubby is 47 going on 48 this May. He is really an old fart compared to Mr. Shaky.
You DO realize you are creating a cursing toddler who will become a cursing school girl, don't you??
Well, at least she will be an experience cusser.
Enjoy your weekend, and try to keep your feet dry.