Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Smashed bananna's and retards

It is no secret my kids are retarded. I have said it outloud, in writing, and may have even said it in my sleep once or 10 ten times. But as I have been thinking, it has occurred to me that I once, was also a retard. I am guessing all kids are retarded, or maybe its just the ones in my family. I always thought my kids got the retarded gene from Mr Shaky's family. I am gonna go out on a limb and say he gave them 70 percent of their retardation and I gave them 10....The other 20 is a mix of environment and other retards in the neighborhood.

I will share with you some examples. These are things I did as a child. A retarded child mind you. All of these are true. Which is the sad part.

* I once ran over my sister with my dads truck. I was about 8 or so. We were playing in my dads truck and I pulled the emergency brake. The truck started backing out of our driveway, my sister panic ed and jumped out the window. Somehow she landed underneath the truck. The truck ended up in the middle of the street nearly in the old lady's driveway who lived across the street. My sister was pinned under, the tire nearly crushing her leg.

I ran in the house told my mom my sister had been in the truck and did something and now she is under the truck, which was indeed in the middle of the street.

Notice how I told her my sister had done something. I failed to leave out the important part. I pulled the brake.....

* My sister and I would ride our bikes down the neighbors house to pick needles off there soft needle pine shrub. We would pretend they were smokes. How retarded is that? We would pretend we were going the store to get a pack of smokes

* I once talked my sister into stealing a pack our moms smokes, so we could go smoke them in my closet. I was way to chicken so my sister lit one up. As soon as she did I ran downstairs and told our mom that she had stole her smokes and was smoking in my closet. She was 5.

which I find very odd ,we had such a fascination with the smokes...To this day I still can not stand the sight of someone smoking, I think to myself, now there is someone who never grew out of being retarded..At least I did.

ok anyone who smokes don't take offense..I have a weird detest for smoking...So there..

Not to worry, I remind my mother daily she will die of lung cancer. And I also tell her when I die of lung cancer from being exposed to second hand smoke, I hope she is happy..

* In third grade I stabbed a girl with a pencil I just sharpened, she cried, I blamed it on another girl, said the girl crying was lying...The other girl got in trouble.

* I use to sneak out my bedroom window in the summertime..And would make out with my boyfriend on a blanket in the backyard. Once he was at my window and we were just talking, I did a flip on bed and my feet went thru my window causing massive bleeding. I told my mother I was kicking a fly away and my feet went thru the window..After 3 hours in the ER some stitches in my toes and not being able to walk for 4 days....All ended well...No trouble was had.

See there are just a few examples of me being openly retarded.

My son came home from school and says to me..." I may look glum on the outside, but I am filled with glee on the inside"

What the hell does that mean?

My Blondie Bee informed me that she will not be eating for 2 weeks because she has to take a bath tonight. I told her that works for me.

Today I was talking to my mother, Itold her that something or other pissed me off.

A few minutes later Boo says to me "momma you not pissed off, you so happy."

Again, I do have brief lapses of retarded-ness

I am only human.

But I would still stick to my guns on that Mr Shaky had delivered a vast majority of the retardeness.

His mother will be here tomorrow..(Thursday) She will prove over and over to me again how my theory is 100% proven.

She will ask me why I don't unplug my toaster if I am not using it.

She will insist on me locking my doors, even though I am sitting right here.

she will come up in the middle of the night just to make sure the doors ARE locked.

She will pick up toys off my floor, or dirty clothes the kids leave behind. And tell me " she just likes doing stuff like that"

She will ask me about 20 times a day if its ok for my dog to be in the basement. I will her all of these times that yes , it is indeed ok, as that is where her food is.

She will also ask if its ok the dog goes outside..Again, that's where she poos..Please let her out.

so we all start out as retards. But I still think a jail cell in the home is a necessary addition.

So to all the former retards out there...Happy Hump Day.

Bee Real

60 comments:

never been 'tarded said...

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
did i say
haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i agree though
you are retarded! But your retardedness tickles the shit outta me!
I don't think I was ever retarded, foolish yes, or maybe I just don't know I was retarded because I never grew out of it!
thats prolly it
ole j

aj said...

OMG I laughed so hard.

I think I was retarded as a young girl too. I remember lots of stuff that I'm ashamed to recall doing.

I do love your idea of a jail cell in the home. Best. Idea. Ever.

Karin said...

I see that most of your early retardedness involved your sister, perhaps her severe permanent retardation just poluted the well and with her not around you returned to sanity.

I have given some thought to your cell. Do you have a half bath in your house that you can lock the offenders in? It is small and has water and a toilet.

Good luck with the inlaws. I dread the thought of mine visiting.

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

Cracker Jack,
I know, I am..I mean WAS retarded.
WHats the differnce between foolish and retarded?..hehee

AJ,
isnt it funny to think back and ee how retadred we once were...makes me giggle..the jail cell is a good idea, I should really copyright the plans for it:)

thanks for stopping by..

Karin,
well, not to be overly mean, but my sister is truly semi retarded..well she has problems lets just say..and she breeded..nuf said:)

Lisa said...

Not the mother in law! That is severe punishment, for you anyhow. I can't speak for her. Is she retarded too? She must be as Mr. Shaky got his 70% from somewhere...

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

Lisa,
EXACTLY..well more so from his father..but yes...they are all a bit.."odd"..hehe

Blazer1234 said...

OK, I can't get over the fact that you #1 ran over your sister with a truck, and #2 tried to smoke your mom's smokes in the CLOSET. (All before you turned 16...even before you were 10!). Boy, you were retarded. I never did anything that stupid. Well, ummm...at least that I CAN remember. Hehe. Rule #1, never admit you're retarded. Rule #2, if you did, too late...you're labeled for life. :o)

Brandy said...

Just love the Jail Cell idea!! I need three in my home... one for teenage daughter... one for teenage son and one big one for the HUSBAND!!!!!!! LOL....

I probably was really retarded when I was a kid... but I blame this on having to share everything with 8 younger brothers and sisters...Yes I said 8... Actually my mother was retarded for having that many...

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

Blazer,
I know....I am just a bad ass..its funny, I have nevr smoked a day in my life, yet had the urge to beiofre the gae of 10..how bad ass is that?..
I am openly a covering retard..recovering...got it!

Brandy,
8?..holy crap...you poor dear..

I only had one sibling and I tell you she carried the burden of 20:)

kaliblue said...

LMAO..Former Retards?. Suga, I'm geuine 110% still a retard*wink*. Giggles

beth said...

i picked up a recently discarded cigerette butt and tried to smoke that.
well, what i always say, and this could work for you, just insert "brains": the kids must of got their "good looks" from their dad, I still have mine!

Peggy said...

I think the kids have pulled the wool over your eyes. the more retarded they look to you the more they get by with LOL Have fun with your MIL... don't lock her up for too long at a time. We oldies need more potty breaks.

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

Kailblue,
110 percent...I wouldnt say that much..maybe 90..haha

Beth,
oh no, stop your smoking..I will be there striaght away with an intervention:)

and yes, you still do have your good looks!
:)

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

Peggy,
how true..do u think they know I was retarded, i was hoping they did not suspect a thing.

potty breaks?..i was gonna let her out with the dog..will that do?

Gette said...

I got drunk snitching sips off my parents'friends drinks and stipped naked when I was 3. Am I retarded or were my parents neglectful? Go for the blame game!

j said...

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
well i dunno the difference
i guess i might be both!
ima foolish 'tard!
js

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

Gette,
bad parenintg..hahaha..that is funny...

Cracker Jack,
so...now your admiting your a tard?..

stop being so wishy washy:)

hope u have your jammies on tonight..

house keepers worst nightmare said...

well im not really a 'tard, i just didn't want you to feel lonely
i'm nice like that
i searched and searched thru my satchel for some drawers, then I went to the truck and looked in there
then I called the house and asked where my drawers were packed
I was informed I didnt own any
i knew this but I wanted toi go all out to assure you and myself that its either jeaned or naked for me!!!
hehe
js

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

crakcer,
oh so your only a symapthtic retard..I dont need your pity!

Man, I cant belive your wife lets u leave the house without ur drawers..

I am gonna knit you some drawers, they will be your "going away drawers"

dont leave the home without them..got it!

JD's Rose said...

I can't believe that your sister still talks to you!

xxx

j said...

see thats the wrong take, she didnt lemme leave without them........
I dont own any!!!!!!!!!!!
hehe
ok thats true!
haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
see there somethings folks just can't guess
im thinkin knitted drawers might would ummmmmmmmm be uncomfy fer "da boys"
just a thought
ole j

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

Rose,
acctually we dont talk much..she is very differnt then me...I have wrote about her wonderful pareting skills and the way she keeps her house oh so clean. she really si the tyeop of person who needs to live supiervised beucase she is so messed up..and her hubby is just as a bad..nothing like 2 tards breeding..good lord.

Cracker,
good point about the boys not getting air..but let me just point something out to you..

your sleeping on sheest with your bare arse laying a sheet that does not belong to you...what if your cleaning lady has been lazy and has not chagnegd the sheets in room?

I think about these things..I travel with my own pillows and blankies..I am weird remeber.

i still need to sew you some kind of ass cover..maybe made outta cotton..will that work?

making wranglers look good said...

i knewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww u were tarded!!!!!!!!!!!
thats insane!
anyway my bride makes the bed in hotels on check out day!?!?!? how nutty is that??
If your gonna weave sumthin make it out of denim, I only wear denim.always, funeral, chucrch house, my wedding, always denim
always
u get it?
always
js

novaks8 said...

haha

everyone is retarded to some degree.

aatank said...

Is that how I got the scar on my hand? I new we were not friends for a reason. HaHaaaaa.

Maybe your sister is the way she is today because of all of your abuse as children. OK, Maybe not but she could use that as an excuse.

Good luck with MIL~ I completely understand the pain.

Cliff Morrow said...

Just for fun, why not leave the door unlocked at bedtime and if you get up in the middle of the night unlock it again and again. Your mil will eventually have to sleep during the days to make up for the lost sleep.
btw 'glum' is a word that has never come out of my mouth. I'm impressed. The kid is a retarded genious.

Hails said...

ROFL. You crack me up. I have to agree with we are all a bit retard when we start out. Hell Im still retarded, shit I walk into my own walls and doors (chels I swear we are from the same mould!!!)

Goodluck with the MIL

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

cracker,
well hows bout I just buy you a pair of Levis then?

Mary,
amen..

Aatank,
you wanna know who it was..I will tell you who I stabbed plus I will tell you who was at my winodw..you know both.

pencil girl was one of two people..I jsut remeber they were both scummy and I was pissed I had to sit by them..go back to thurd grade to remeber..

Beverly Jones or it was Terry Packard...one of them..not sure..

at my window..
Steve Kemple....remeber him?

Cliff,
I like your ideas cliff..she would just end up sleeping in friont of my door.

I know where does this kid come up with that stuff?..I have no bloody clue.

Hails,
well not this summer but last, I fell down my basment stairs and nealry broke my ankle and needed cructches for 2 weeks..how retarded is that?

JD's Rose said...

Hmmm, fair enough then.

I love the new profile pic! Perrty.

xxx

j said...

now your talkin!!!!
make it wranglers though
then you got urself a deal!!

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

Rose,
thank you my dear..

Cracker Jack,
why Wranglers?....u bad mouthin Levis?

The Kept Woman said...

Dammit...it's 8:30 AM and I'm already 31st to comment.

Do you people ever sleep?!?!!?

Shit, my kid's throwing foodon the floor...again...speaking of retarded. Love that little orangutang.

Kendra Lynn said...

Wow...great stories from your retarded youth.
I must say, I never did anything like that, but I did almost rip my little toe off once when sliding down a rickety metal slide, into a wading pool.
That was pretty retarded.
Oh...and I slipped on some ice when leaving church once and slid halfway under my dad's car. In front of my boyfriend. Ha. Yeah.

Kendra

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

TKW,
retards never sleep honey:)

mine dont throw food, but they do refuse to eat it..little bastards.

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

Kendra,
not nesscarly retarded as clutsly..hehe

Kami said...

Too. Damn. Funny.

I think my kid is a tad bit retarded. Yeah. He is. It's okay, though. I may look glum on the outside, but I'm gay and shit on the inside.

Leesa said...

I am not retarded, but I married into a retarded family which makes me a little suspect. I must have some recessive retarded genes somewhere.

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

Kami,
All kids are retarded, you either grow out of it, or you dont..most people I know dont..

I feel glum on the outside and I feel like shitfire on the inside.

Leesa,
I too married into rartedness..although as a tot I did my fair share of rejected things..but I chalk it up to good learning experinces:)

Violet said...

i once got an m&m stuck in my nose and had to go to the emergency room. more proof that your theory is true.

at least women grow out of their retardedness. men just keep wallowing in it well into adulthood.

Michele_3 said...

First- Thank you for letting me check on your blog & hear the wonderful music of Earth,Wind & Fire- LOVE them! Especially the song "September"
Ok- now that I said that-
I need to catch up on a lot of your posts girlfriend!
& I think all of us when we were young did a lot of stupid things-I think back a lot & say to myself "what the hell was I thinking"! I'll never know..
LOL!

Nerdine said...

*LOL* Oh yeah - I used to be a retard too..
I used to pretend to smoke straws, and I did try to smoke grass.. I also had a weird fascination with smokin, but never actually smoked. I think it looks silly, and whenever I see pregnant women smoking I wanna hit them with something hard..

I also drove over my sister with a car. That is - she actually did it herself. she released the brake, panicked and jumped out of the car went behind it to try and stop it. She was five. I was two - and sitting in the car singing. while driving over my sister. Jup - a retard...
And how about the time I made a slinshot, held it up in the face of a girl in school and let go of the rubber band. When she started crying I was terrified because I didn't think it would hurt..

NOT a retard anymore mind you... uh


btw - I need your imagination.. get your ass over to my blog... you might even win a prize

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

Violet,
my sister had something stuck up her nose once too, after a week or so she started to smell..my mom took her to the doc becuause she smelled really bad..turnens out she had an ear from one of my stuffed animals stuffed up there...now thats a retard;)

Michele,
I think we are all inner reatrds..we just have to embrace it...

nerdine,
well it sounds like we did some of the same things..now thats just plain scarey..haha

pack of 2 said...

Oh chicky how you crack me up!!!

Well, clearly there is hope that your kids will grow out of it too...hopefully sooner than later huh?

Shelly

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

shelly,
so far there is no hope they will come out of it early:)

the wrangler said...

i dunno
the fit different
they last longer and they are tougher.
I wear boots only (big surprise i'm sure) and they are made for boot wearing workin folks.
gotta always get the cowboy cut though, not the wal-mart wranglers or the ones Dale jr is peddlin on the tv commercials, thats their cheap line.
Anyway just a preferance thing I'm thinkin.
ole j

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

Cracker Jack,
I prefer Levis..I have a pair still from high school..granted they are a size 5 and I could not squeeze one of my thihgs in there..but they are still lookin good.

you strike me as the kind of man who will live on a dude ranch ranch someday and russle in the dogggies..

am I right?

j said...

well i dunno really
im not sure what the goings on are ona dude ranch!
I'm just a cracker, tryin to get along, lil doggie and all!
hehe

j said...

oh yeah about the size 5's..........
ur just friggin hugeeeeeeeeeeeeee yeah
uh huh
tell that to someone who might believe it

Peggy said...

Bossy I have been digging around in your fridge for over an hour and can't find a damn thing to eat! Quit spying on the kids and make me a sandwich! Thought I would stay the weekend with you and prowl around your cubbards and closets. LOL

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

cracker,
the size 5 was from high school..now its a 10..I have went up 5 whole damn sizes..so there..

peggy,
did u eat my yogurt?

I am missing a yougurt..

j said...

32 was me in hi school
now 36..................ish............kinda
any chance you eat raw oyesters?
i'll letcha buy!
j

aatank said...

That is to funny, but I don't remember either of them. I reconize the name but can't picture them. When did you date Steve you must have been in like 5th grade. I just remember him dating Robin in High School. Last I knew he was living in Midland.

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

crakcer,
raw oysters? i wouldnt even eat a cooked one..good lord.

aatank,
well the terri girl has died..about 10 years ago..

I dated steve the summer between 9 and 10th grade i think...he only lived across the way from me, we spent the summer in his pool, and doing naughty things..

oh the things you dont know..i could write a book about it..but i wont:)

j said...

#1 what a sissy you are

#2 I wanna hear the details of the naughty things you and aa are talkin bout sheeeesh
why you gotta leave me out?
j

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

cracker,
yes I am a wuss..I will not eat certain things...wont even entertain the thought of trying them. I have a whole lists of stuff I wont try...

aatank and I went to highschool togther. she lives back in the homeland. funny how nealry 15 years of being out of school is when all the dirt comes out.

I swear I cant even go into detial on some of this stuff, this is a family blog:)

j said...

all the time leavin me outta the good stuff
sigh
i wanna hear of the trysts of the preachers wife!!!!!!!!!!!

hmmmmmmmm
won't eat stuff
wont sleep in hotels
bring ur own covers
hmmmmmmmmm
short bus im thinkin

Crashdummie said...

Dunno why Bossy, but it seems like you attract retards. And no, you were just being sneaky when you were lil', not retarded. Your sis, well, that can be discussed.

In-law? *shivers* ugh. one of the perks of being is single you don't have to deal with em!

Good luck with your bees!
(even a supermum like yourself can need that) ;)

Stacey said...

I too married into a RETARDED family. Believe me, my family is messed up, but they aren't retarded. My kids' retardedness is definately from hubby's side!

Good luck with the MIL!!!

j said...

hey
how bout u entertain ur MIL????
haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
get em girl
ole j

Jamie Dawn said...

It is clear that you've been mean all your life and retarded too. I am not mean, but I do suffer from retardation. I am a nice retard.
Your kids are a reflection of you. Face it, girlie!!
You CRACK me up!
If your MIL gets on your nerves, you should take her to work and lock her up.