Not sure what is wrong. Lately I have been overwhelemed with a sence of yuck!!
I am sure this post is going to bore everyone so just move on..I will try to post something more up-beat and funny another day..I hope..(on a side note if u met me, I would undoubtably be the funniest gal u know).
Anyhoo, I am not myself lately. I have tried doing things to make myself better. Nothing is working. I hate living here, I hate everything about it. Well I love my house, but that doesnt even help.
The hubby loves his job, the kids love thier freinds and are loving school, baby spawn is growing and as happy as all get out, even the dog is happy.
But me, I am not. I knew when we were on our journey here that I would not enjoy it. I just kept telling myself that I had always wanted to move..and now we are moving, I will be ok when we get there. Truth is..That is not the case. You can not make yourself like a place that you dont.
I told hubby maybe if we waited a differnt, better job offer would come..in the south..where I want to go..Well he didnt want to go there. But me, just wanting to move out of the "homeland" was willing to do whatever to leave. big mistake..
I thought the fact that hubby would be making more money, that things would be ok..Not so..I know now that no matter how much money you have or dont have, money doesnt make you happy..Now hubby has just got another raise..It doenst even matter to me, I just wanna leave here..
Now we are argueing about when to leave. He says we will..I want to get the process going now..He wants to wait till the spawns are out of school. Which makes sence, but I dont think he has a fuc*ing clue how much I hate being here. I really dont know if I can take it that long. I know making the spawns switch schools in the middle of a school year is assnine. We had to do it last year, and oldest spawn had a rough time. But now momma spawn is having a rough time being here. I kinda realize how kissing spawn felt when we came here. I treid telling him it would be ok, he would make friends..things would be good. I guess I was really trying to convince myslef the same thing. How can I tell my 8 year old it will be ok, when I know I am not happy either.?!
Now both spawns love thier life..They love school, thier friends..everything..they are happy spawns right now. I tell myself kids adjust well to change, and that it may be tough at first for them to adjust to a new place..But just like they did here, they will make lots of new friends.
Right now I am just consumed with a saddness that wont let up. I want despartley to leave this state and head to where I had wanted to go in the first place.
Nothing I do or say can make anyone realize what agony I am in.
I know this is a stupid thing to have consume me. I mean my spawns are healthy, happy and cute,we have a nice home, nice things, live in a "good" neighborhood,have nice cars...There should be no reason why I feel this way. Other than the fact I hate it here.
I am tired of fighting with hubby about this, because it is obvious he has no clue what I am feeling. Telling me its going to happen, that we will move...Is not working. There is no process started..there is nothing but talk.
So now I just sit here consumed with this awful feeling in me that I can not rid. who the hell knows when we will leave, not soon enough for me.
Hubby just thinks that when he is ready..poof a job will show up..and poof our house will sell... and poof this and poof that...
Whatever, I will just sit here being missreable..Wishing we could get this moving..Ya no like get your resume out there..Do somethig other than tell me "its gonna happen".
Most days I just want to cry .. This is what happens when mom is not happy.
Looks like I will be cryiing for a few more months now. Please hand me the tissue box.
Writing this is just making me more pissed off. SO I am gonna go hit somthing. Preferably something that does not have fur. ( no I would never hit an animal)..LOL
I need to go do something...
Hopefuly I will have it in me to write something worth while later. truth is..blogging just isnt working for me right now.
And yes, I can hear your violins:)
Toodles
Sunday, October 02, 2005
No funny here, nope not today
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9 comments:
Sounds like you need a little something more than what could be provided through kind blogger words. Couldn't find your email on your home page but you could post it on my (non-public) page and we could chat more about exactly what nasty city has you in its grip.
Hey, Girl. I know it must be hard. Perhaps being so far from family is making these difficult also. Hang in there. Could you arrange for your mother to come visit. Perhaps you and your husband could go away for an evening and reconnect. Our men have to connect with us emotionally for us to feel all there. I say this alot. You're doing the right thing by hanging in there for the kids. But, you really must do something fulfilling for yourself. I will email also here soon. I am on my way to work so I will get going. Take care. Big hugs and smiles to you! :)
Felecia, my email is on my profile page..i would love to chat..so throw me an email:)
Jacks, I know your there and thats what I love bout my cuz:)
Marel, I know that am being self and stupid..but when your not happy, what can ya do??..I dont think I am missing family because I have no desire to go to my homeland right now..LOL..my mom is coming for chirstmas i think..no one else is coming before or after that..such as life:)..thanks for the encourgement..you are one of the nicest people I know and I am glad I know you:)
Fighting with your husband just makes everything worse. Maybe since he says you will be moving "soon," you could sit down with him and see if the two of you can map out a basic timeline. It won't be set in stone, but it might help him be motivated to move things along.
I understand much of your feelings. I hope most of all that your marriage isn't damaged by this. I'm sorry that you are hurting so much and that you feel like you are alone in your feelings. Maybe you and your husband can work this out without a lot more fighting. Hang in there for your family's sake. Let them have their time, and then it will be your time hopefully before too long.
Life has some pretty awful seasons in it. It's a good thing that seasons change. Together you can work towards your goal of moving.
It's not a "stupid thing" to be consumed by- I grew up with my mom being depressed her whole life for a similar reason..she sacrificed her happiness for us, which in the end didn't work because we lost her in exchange, so it's not stupid for you to feel this way. And it is important for your hubby to realize how much this means to you and do something about it- it's easy for them to turn their heads as long as everything is going great for them, I think. I hope he does....and I hope things work out for you!! *voilin playing* :)
I know how often you talk about needing a night out. Maybe meeting some other girls in the area that you can hang with would do you some good! I would say maybe volenteering at the school to meet some of the other Mom's or taking cookies to a neighbor lady. Just ideas. I am not sure how you feel about the actual area you live in. I know you hate it in general, but getting to know people might make it easier. or coming home and leaving the kids with Mom for a long weekend so you can go out...you need some YOU time. Sorry things are so awful. I know how it is to fight fight fight. Hang in there!
thank you guys, you have truly made me feel a tad better.
I am trying to get out and meet people..so that is a plus..too hold me over till i can move..i think i am ok with not moving till late spring..i might as well get over it right??..LOL
thank guys..i really needed that pick me up:)
Oh honey....I'm so sorry that you're feeling so yuck. I wish I could give ya a hug or something, but this'll have to do. I'm with everyone else....I'm here if you ever need me. You have so many people here who care about you. In the meantime, hang in there sweetie!
What is it that you do not like? Is it the weather, the people, Marc having long days? Remember when we thought that about the town we grew up in? I hope it gets better sweetie. Honestly, two years will fly. I have been here for six already. {{{hugs}}}
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