Thursday, March 27, 2008

Take Me Home

I know most of you humans out here have a hard time believing my stories are true, and I understand that..Mainly because no one out there should have such a fuc*ed up time when leaving the confines of their home like do.

But alas, I am here to enlighten you with another tid bit of Flip Flop Mommas life gone arry.

Every damn stinking bit of this is true...May God strike me down....

For starters, everywhere my dog sits, she leaves a wet spot. The hubs told me to sniff this area on the couch to see what it was..

im like, u r kidding me, u smell it..

After bickering, no one smelled it and I just cleaned all the upostory

And she wont stop licking her ass...

Then my mom calls me from uptown letting me know there are posters plastered everywhere with me and pale girls photo's on them..

Seems when we went to see this DJ guy in January, he was snap happy and took pics of us and now has them on posters promoting his gig this Friday.

So this led to me and pale girl single handedly stealing all posters in city we could find.

I mean I don't drink..not since new years anyway....

And the last thing I need is my mug plastered on posters around with the headline..

these party people are wanted for a good time


granted, I am a good time, but still, lets not advertise it for Christ sake..

Then we get to karaoke and find them plastered all over there....the bathrooms, the doors...everywhere.

So we find a drunk guy to take the posters from the mens room , to his girlfriends dismay. She got angry....I set her straight, no more being angry.

So Pale Girl has about 4 posters shoved in her coat, I have 3 in my purse....

not cool, and not obvious at all.

Then while she is out with another gal whom is out smoking..she sees a car idling in the parking lot and gets in it and drives it to another parking spot.

In one night she single handedly stole from establishments, then stole a car.

All sober.

I cant take her anywhere...

When I return home my dog is laying in my bed....

just licking the crap outta her nether region.

I swear since I gave her a haircut she has been none stop leaking liquid and crotch eating...

I don't get it...

She needs to die..

She is always barking for no reason...just looks at u and whines, then licks her ass.

I now have about 5 posters laying on my table, not sure what I am gonna do with these...

All I need is one of my tots teachers seeing these....Lord have Mercy, or the Leaders of my church , oh the shame...

Just because we go out on a Friday night to dance or sing, does not mean we party.

I gave up partying 4 months ago....

He needs to re-print them posters..

And say something like..

come see these gals sing at the local church bizarre.

I knew the guy fancied me...because he told me..

But holy hell, take my pics down, I have enough issues with finding decent employment...

If u see one out, return to me please...


Maybe my dog is on to something, maybe a good crotch licking or anal scratching will do me good.

Cant get any worse...


Wednesday, March 26, 2008

My kinda lover

I did something Tuesday night I have not done in months. Pale girl and I went to play BINGO..


I should not be allowed in the halls of any establishment that has this recreational sport.

Now I call it a sport because you have to train..I mean you have to have excellent eye hand coordination as well as sharp hearing and quick reflexes.

Again, every time an old woman yelled bingo from her chair cradling her cane, I wanted to stab her in eye with a straw..then kidney punch her.

I do not do well with these sorts of things. I mean i would cream my own grandma if she stole a bingo from my tan,smooth hands.

I did come out semi-victorious, winning one bingo worth 32 smacka-roo's.

Thats right...32 green backs...

When I got home my son wanted to play a game of UNO. have any cash?

crap, I cant not teach my son the ways of under ground gambling, cause I might burn in the pits of hell...

because I am not licensed to carry out legal gambling...

Good thing I did not wager the back 40 on the Uno, because he kicked my ass..

And I wanted to kidney punch him too...

My greed and needing-ness to win does not see color, race, creed, religion, or birth canal entry.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Bad Company

Would you believe that I have done two loads of dishes and I still have two sinks full? Holy shit, did I dirty every damn dish in the house on Easter? Is that what the good Lord would of wanted?

I think not..

Shame on me and everyone who ate on plates here.


Ok, I am a tad bit perturbed. You see, my dog has been out of the closet more then I thought she would be , but she still is acting all bad ass and shit...

Last night she is laying in my bed, which she does sometimes...

This morning I feel this big wet spot at the foot of the bed....

The first thing I do is check MY crotch, because holy shit, if I piddled the bed I was going straight to the ER because that woulda been an emergency right there. of some sort I do reckon.

Oh thank God, thats nice and dry...Pretty sad, it was like checking my own diaper.

Then I was worried that maybe the hubs had fallen prey to the piddle.

You can never be to sure....I mean he just turned another year older and this may have set him over the edge towards assisted living...

but he was clean...

Then I see my f*cking dog sitting on my chair at the edge of the bed...Its almost like she was staring at me all night just waiting for me to awaken so I could see that she piddled on my bed.

As soon as I woke up and noticed the turn of events, I looked at her, she made eye contact with me, then she got up slowly and walked out.

Now nothing has peed on my bed since Blondie was a couple days old and I didn't put her diaper on fast enough and she pissed all over my sheets.

I have had two kids puke on my turn which lead to a good scrubbing and a good mattress flipping.

Well I took the bedding off and washed it, scrubbed my mattress, but now what?

I Lysol-ed it, I fumigated it...

I cant dare flip it, because i know kids puked on that side..Which is all cleaned out, but still.

I need to burn the thing...

I told u people this dog is retarded. She is mad at me, so she is relieving herself on my bed....

and you wonder why I make fun about kicking her.

I must say this was the closest she has come to a good kicking.

If she does it again, I will kill her.

GAwd I HATE animals.



Look, I'm not saying they are in love....but when they are together they kinda fight and make fun of each other and look, they sit on each other...

After dinner on Easter we broke out my Dance Dance Revolution game....

There is pale girl showing off her mad skills..

That's her boyfriend showing us his mad skills....

Of course your not gonna catch me doing this when there are people with camera's anywhere...

I do have morals.

only like a couple more weeks till my trip to Michigan to see Def Leppard...Gawd I cant wait....6th row, here I come....its the only thing getting me thru...

Monday, March 24, 2008

If this is love

Saturday I decided to do the humane thing and give my dog a beating, I mean a clipping...

Now mind you. last time i gave her a clipping was right around a year ago...and she made her body think she was pregnant, lactated and all, and hid in the closet for 2 months.

So my dog does not like to be clipped, and it takes me hours to get it done. After a while she got pissy...I mean I did draw blood a number of times, but I mean, she does deserve it.

Now the poor dear looks like one of those dogs in those ads about abused and neglected dogs. She looks like she has mange, as well as a good case of mental abuse..

and see, this is her NOT coming out of the closet..

Please call your local ASPCA, and help this abused and neglected mutt....her owner just lets her mosey around the yard looking like a total whack job.

Here are some other various shots from Easter.

I had ten people to cook for, and boy, am I tired, not sure why HE looks so damn tired..

oh and Look, I made candy...

My computer is still acting all retarded, I need to give it a good sorry for the lack of visits, but I'm working on it..

Well i better go console my butter-face of a dog, the bitch wont come out of the closet ya no.

Friday, March 21, 2008

The Wall

I have this thing with teeth. I don't like looking at people with snaggle tooth looking teeth. Its just a phobia of sorts.

Kinda like being scared of spiders or tornado's.

One thing I don't get is why some folks out there find it ok to not brush the pearly whites God has blessed upon them..

I see lots of people around these parts with what I refer to as summer-teeth.

Now I realize there are humans out there whom have horrid teeth, but it may be beyond their control. Like make a monkey threw a coconut at their faces , broke all their teeth and its gonna take weeks to form the mold for their veneers or dentures, I mean shit happens...I know that.

But when I see the good folks around these parts with black teeth or breath u can tell has not been freshened since the last time they had a Peppermint Patty, this troubles me.

I had this nightmare the other night that I was sitting in a dentist office with my mother, go figure, and two of my teeth fell out. Just out of the blue.

I promptly told her we need to be like make like leaves and blow outta there.

To which said told me this was just the place to be for such an occurrence.

To which I no, cant be letting the dentist see me with no teeth, or anyone in this office for that matter...

So its really a phobia, I mean I have nightmares about losing teeth or one being loose.

I have issues, real issues.

Summer -teeth and butter-faces really scare the shit outta me.

So please this Easter weekend, take the time to floss and brush and tell your dentist you appreciate him/her for making your smile shine like that of a brilliant diamond.

I realize this is a lame Easter message, but dang, I bet no one else has told u today to take care of your smile..


ok, I have got many emails asking what SUmmer-teeth and butter faces were, im sorry , I forgot to explain..I will use them in a sentece for u..

look, she has summer teeth, some are here, some are there...

look, she is a butter face, everything is hot, but her face... u know.

Just so u know both my laptops are nearly completley hosed, thanks to tots stepping on one and some sort of file error on the other one..So if I am not around, this is why...

anyone wanna come here and go singing with me friday night?..yeah, my plans feel thru with who I was going with..and I dont like to go sit at the bar alone..

so call me, we will hook up..

Good day.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Its in the way that you use it.

I have this four year old. Every time I look at her I either wanna rip my uterus out and stomp on it, or else make her a playmate in a stead fast sorta way.

Now I am all for taking it out and stomping on it, because hell, me and kids blend about as well as polyester and humidity.

But there is something with this kid..

I swear to God she doesn't shut her trap from the time she awakens till the time she lays her head to sleep...

It is

I ask her to button her lips all the time, because frankly, I cant hear myself not think.

Her lips literally run 200 miles per minute.

momma, guess what...

momma, can I

Momma, lets..

Momma look...

Momma I'm hungry..

Momma potty

Momma this is...

yadda yadda...

I swear I cant take it..

I was so much looking forward to the fall when she would be partaking in Kindergarten, but since she is not quite ready yet, she will be by my side running her trap for one more year..

Then one of the cats scratched her wrist, I mean there is a tiny mark there, I'm sure under a microscope there might be broken skin, whose to say..

But I musts heard 30 times today how badly she needed a band-aide.

because...its bweedin

its not bleeding damn it..

Bless her soul on her brothers birthday she went into her room to get him a present..she grabs toys she doesn't want and has me wrap them for him..

She does this all the time...for every occasion she thinks a gift is required, she recycles her shit..

she is an envoirmentalist.

She gave him this Easter puppet she got a couple years ago...its a duck..

I'm sure he appreciated that...

See she has heart, how can u not want to make another one of those.....

I mean, that's cuteness that makes my uterus make a baby all on its own, kinda like those flowers that breed themselves.

Then she runs her mouth again...

and its back to stomping the baby maker.

Then she tells me my shirt makes me look pretty and the baby maker is back in business.

Then she gets a wad of toothpaste all over the bathroom mirror..

and its all over once again..

Then she looks at me with her big brown eyes and informs me that she likes it when I feed her.

she sorta makes it sound like its a hit or miss kinda thing...

I'm getting to old for this, I either neither to stomp on it, or use it..Its kinda like having good china but always using paper plates...

But you also need to know when to pass your dishes down to the next generation..because you can keep USING your nice China just because you have it.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Fade away

I am so blasted sick of this weather. I have said this countless times, I hate spring as much as I hate winter. For various reasons..

Like I hate melting snow. I also hate mud, slush and rain.

I am not saying its spring here, but it did snow here Monday and its now 40 so everything is a wet slushy mess. Gawd I hate that..

Another thing I hate is with the thaw on my nice manicured lawn, are remains of winter shit from my dog, that has been buried under snow for months.

In the winter its hard to go clean it up, because, well its cold and I don't go outside.

I hate spring, just let that be known here folks.


This is my sons first birthday where my dear old grandpa was unable to call and wish him a good day.

Now when we lived back in Michigan, my grandparents would come over for every tots birthday so since we moved here, they call..

I know I have wrote a lot about my grandpa in the past, and I do realize I am not the only living soul on the Earth to lose a grandpa..

BUT, I am in the only one to lose this one..

well besides my sister and all my cousins, but what the fuck ever..

And boy he would be mad knowing I used the F word in something I was writing about him..


Anyway, I made the weekly chore of calling my grandma today. Now I call it a chore because she likes to gab. She can keep me on the phone for longer then I am physically able to maintain stimulating conversation.

She can talk about the neighbor lady, the people from church, the lady who drives her around for appointments, the people who mow her grass and shovel for her, the mail man...U name it, she has a story to tell about them

DO I care?

holy shit no.

But I am a good granddaughter so I call her.

She was telling me about the busy week she has had already, she had a doctor appointment Monday and a dentist appointment Tuesday..

Thats hard core for me.

She then went on to say that the last time she was at the dentist grandpa had an appointment with the doctor across the he wandered over there whilst she got a teeth cleaning..

She then said the doctor never took his temperature that day, and maybe if he would of they would of caught something....

Because he was dead a week later from an infection of some sort.

She went on to tell me how she cries daily because she misses him so much, and that each day gets worse not better.

And I must say I do agree, because I have a hard time dealing with it myself..and I was not married to him for 60 years...

He was just my grandpa for 32 years...

I can recall eating dinner over there alot, because I loved to do that..

My grandpa loved green onions and radishes and he always had a wonderful garden..

At dinner he would sprinkle salt on one of those little plates and dip his green onion or radish on his salt and eat it..

I tried it, and I hated it..

He would also eat butter and bread with every meal and sprinkle sugar on top of it.

To which I loved ...And it use to piss my mom off, because I would request it with dinner at home every night, because grandpa did it...

He would also break wind just about every time he got up from a damn seated position...

he was awesome that way.

My son made mention he missed the call from Grandpa Dave..

They were buddies....My grandpa worshiped the ground that kid tread on.

He cried when I birthed all of my tots, and was at my door the second I brought them all home from the hospital, just so he could hold them.

The day I came home from having the boy, which would be right around 11 years ago today, he came over and just looked at him and cried and cried while he held him.

I was wondering if the baby was ugly and it hurt him to look at him...

My son has a picture in a frame in his room of grandpa and him sleeping on the floor. When they would babysit and it was the boys nap time, grandpa would lay on the floor with him while he fell asleep.

Pretty amazing for an old man to get his ass to the floor like that..

Anyway, this will be the first year I don't get a call as well...

I need to stop calling my granny because its just a downer...

Not a day goes by that I do not re-live the day he passed.

For those of u who are new here, I will enlighten u with this...

I was not scheduled to go back to Michigan until July 20th, and the only reason I was going back was because I was going to a Def Leppard show in Detroit. SO I was going to stay a couple of weeks to make it look like I am a good daughter and granddaughter to make a trek to Michigan to visit.

On July 7th I went to the Prince concert here in Minneapolis and I just had a funny feeling all night..

I woke up the next morning and told the husband to pack his shit, because I needed to go to Michigan now..I was not sure why..but I knew I needed to go.

My grandma had told me gramps was in the hospital but would be home on Wednesday..He was just in there because his red blood count was low from his chemo...

So Sunday morning off we went to Michigan..

My family kept telling me he was fine, and that I did not need to hurry home, that I should just wait till the 20th.

No fucking way.

I got there Monday afternoon and went right to his room at the hospital. We chatted, he looked like shit, but he was alive.

By that evening he looked amazingly better and I thought for sure he would be going home Wednesday.

Tuesday morning my step mom woke me up early to let me know my dad had been at the hospital all night with him and he was not doing well.

I rushed there to be with my dad, my grandma and gramps.

He was having such a hard time breathing that he could not talk..he would just nod when I talked to him..

What a drastic turn it was from just 12 hours ago.

I sat there all day holding his hand until he took his last breath just before noon on Tuesday.

He never made it till Wednesday.

And if I would of waited until the 20th to leave, I would of never got to hold his hand while he died.

Every time I talk to my grandma it is like re-hashing the whole thing...And I hate thinking about her being in pain too..

I know how hard it is for me, so I cant even imagine what its like for her.

All this brought on just by a weekly call to grandma.

This is why I hate talking on the phone u see why?

And also brought on by my son not getting a call....

which in turn leads to me not getting a call.

fucking death sucks donkey balls.

that's the whole point to this..

in case u didn't know.


Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Turn me Loose

Well, my son's birthday came and went like pick pocketer. He is 11. He is old. He makes ME feel old.

The thought of getting older never bothered me, because to me that's your cue that your still, well, hell , alive...If your not getting older, then your dead. And dead isn't good. Although I cant say for sure, because I have never heard a dead person complain about being dead...

so, yeah..

But to think I am the mom of an 11 year old is freaky. For Gods sake I'm still young..a hip 25.....

ok....32...almost 33....damnit..

I need to start using wrinkle cream and Metamucil, that's what moms of 11 year olds do right?


My boy had a buddy over and we got pizza and consumed mass qaunties of cake and ice cream.

I just noticed Blondie has a whole in the butt of her jeans..holy shit, I sent my kid to school with a tiny hole in the ass of her pants.
Its kinda like the parent who sends thier kid to school with bed head, morning breath and dirty faces..

wicked pissa..

Here is some birthday vomit, its better then cat vomit, trust me people...

He insisted on photos with me before school. So I am in my jammies and am sporting my morning face. Which is quite similar to my afternoon face.

Read his shirt, tell me that aint funny people..

Ok this next one Blondie took it before we were ready, but the boy insisted I post this because he says it looks I'm rubbing him like a genie.


Gawd that's embarrassing.....

moving on...
to my after noon face I least im wearing clothes and my hair is washed.

He looks all bad as there doesn't he?

I like this one, I look way tall....

He wanted a cake with the solar system..but no one in the city is smart enough to make he said he would settle for a Paddy day cake...This is his first ST Paddy's day cake in 11 years..I have tried to not get them because I think its he has never asked for one...

just him opening shit.

And here is the whole family, including my mother...
Yeah so....there ya have it.....another birthday come and gone...
I have too many kids....

Monday, March 17, 2008

Irish Eyes r smiling

11 years ago today I birthed this..

opps, I mean this...


Sure u might think having a baby on St Patty's day would make your child birthing experience more enjoyable..

Franky, besides the gift basket full of green shit from the hospital, it was pretty traumatic for me...

He gave me an intense case of crotch ache and a roaring case of hemorrhoids.

The roids which lasted nearly a year and well, my nether regions have never been the same since..and ache to this day when I think about the hour of pushing I did, just so he could breath oxygen.

The first child to purge thru your birth canal kinda reeks havoc on the whole area.

After you birth your first kid, I am quite uncertain why we ever chose to do so again.

I remember when I had Blondie, she was about 2 weeks old at the time...And he was just going to be turning three shortly.

I had Blondie in her bouncy seat while I ran to the basement to switch out some laundry.

My dear first born comes running ever so proudly to me after I return from the basement.

His speech was pretty shotty, so I was about the only human to be able to decipher his language.

He told me that baby has bag on head..hahaha...punny momma

So me being the good language interrupter and mother that I am, knew this boy had done something to said baby in the 2 minutes I had been out of the area.

I walk into my living room where my tiny baby girl lay in her bouncing seat.

Atop her head was a plastic bag from Target, wrapped nicely around her huge head.

There stood my son all proud of the decorating he had done to that baby.

I took the bag off my baby's head and he asked me..

she go away now momma, I gots her in a bag now.

Like he put her in a bag for easy carrying for me.

God love him...He has just been trying to make life easier for me since day one.

Although he has a distortion of easier and being a big fat pain in the ass , but you will have that!

He is like me in many ways..

*he likes to blame his misfortune on others

*he is picky about who he chooses as friends

*he likes to get the wage of doing pristine work, whilst giving a half ass effort.

*he thinks his teacher is a douche bag

*he thinks having a girlfriend would just bring him down.

*he thinks Walmart sucks, even though they have low prices.

All and all he is a pretty good boy....He has his issues, but hell ,so does his dad.

So if u have a heart, give my mentally draining tot a big birthday wish..

Or I may put a bag over your head.

cause thats how I roll bitches.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Thats why they call it the blues

Yeah so, im back...Did ya miss me?

Yeah I thought so...NO one ever misses me...

Anyway, my trip was cut short due to circumstances beyond my control and I am deeply thankful for this.

So lets see, what to talk about..

Oh I have decided not to send my Boo to Kindergarden. I am making her go thru baby school one more year. This was her first year going to baby school, and I think she needs one more year. Cause im just that mean.

This school system use to have all day Kindergarden but they went every other day. Thats the way it was when Blondie went. The boy didnt go to Kindergared thru second grade here, he went to a good school another state.

anyway, this year they are starting a new thing, where your kid can go all day daily...but for 1800 bucks a year.

Here and where lies my issue..Why should we have to PAY for public school? I send them to pblic school because I am cheap and only want to pay for milk money.

Oh wait, in this school system we have to supply all the teachers damn school supplies. I swear at the start of the school year bewteen all three tots I spent damn near 400 bucks buying the teachers shit.

So paying 1800 bucks a year for my tot to go to kindergarden everyday is not really something I support.

I mean you have a choice, BUT are the poor kids who only go every other day going to be outcast because they dont go daily? Are they going to be short changed in education because they only go every other day?

When I send Boo to Kindergarden NEXT year, she will indeed go daily...and I will call the school system four letter words under my breath as I put her pig tails in and watch her get on the bus..


SO today is the big mans birthday..

He has big plans of going out to eat and consuming a turkey commercail...for those of you who are not familar with that, as I was not when I moved here, it is a hot turkey sandwhich..

Then i kindly reminded him he gave up meat on Fridays for Lent.

Guess this pissa is stone cold outta luck unless he wants to burn in the firey pits of hell.


Oh im thinking of getting a perm...please talk me out of it..I mean whay year is it? 1988?

for shits sake..

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

cei'la Vie'

Gonna be gone....have to leave state/country...

Nothing serious, its just business...

the shit i can not tell u about or i will have to kill you...the secert side of flip flop momma...

Say a nice Happy Birthday to hubs as Friday is his birthday...Monday will be the boys birthday, my lil Leppercaun..

I will try and post 4 that..

Stay real bitches.

Have a semi good week...I don't want anyone having a better week then me, and since mine started out with cat vomit and holly rollers, I don't hold out much hope 4 the rest of the week.

so go read the posts below, cause there aint nothing to see here..


Tuesday, March 11, 2008

If I Close my eyes forever

So after my ego-boosting weekend, Monday sorta hit me full speed, in the face with a brick...a big one..

This may be long, and winded and I am sorry..If you dont feel you have the time to listen, then just go vacume your house or some shit...

Today I have used every ounce of what vodka may be remaining in me, not to just lock myself in my room and cry like a whiney fucking baby.

I am soooo very unhappy...Not just with my kid sitation,but with everything. You see, the sitation with my tot, kinda oozes out and effects everything. Hell even my bowel habits, cause Lord can atest to this, I have had a roaring case of the craps all day.

It might have something to do with the eggs, greasy hashbrowns and sausage I consumed at the local shithole this morning...but thats neither here nor there.

Everything is piling on me and I am about to fall...down.

I have another really good job prospect, and things look hopeful. It is something I have much exprience in, it only pays around $30,000 a year, I wont complain, even though I am right now...

I get my own office..again...and get to hire and fire people..again...we all know I like this. And the big bonus, its not in this city..hip hip horray..

But as most of my job outlooks have been of late, im sure this one will be swirling in the john with my undiegested corn bits soon...

I also ate a whole box of Girl Scout cookies today....

See, u know I mean depression buisness when I whip out cookies and eat them, because I dont even like cookies...

I have been trying to give hubby advice on how to treat his lady at the most important times in a married mans life..because frankly, even after 16 years of being together and nearly 13 years of marriage, I still like to it when he can sweet talk me..For Christ sake, saying..

come on, take your pants off...

is NOT how u get me to take my pants off...

Things only contine to get better...

First up, one of my cats puked all over my treadmill. When I asked the Mr. to kindly clean it, he was wondering why he should have to clean it, as its my cat, my treadmill..

So, my solutions would include not only getting rid of the cats, but him as well.

Then I get a pair of my pretty unmentionables that had toppled onto my floor and was right as rain to pull them on my hiney, when...I noticed..

More f-ing cat vomit.


Then Monday morning I hear a rat a tap tapping on my front door..I look at the time..

its early, only bout 9...hmm...who could this be.

I peek out my window and I can clearly see what it is..

A fucking holy roller.

Now normally they parade their tiny little girls in barley there dresses hitting the beat when its freezing cold out..

I have a theory on this...They take the little girls in dresses and tights, with coats not really done you, the owner of said dwelling, will graciously open your door so the little girls don't freeze...

Its their way of getting you to let them in...

Well, we wont go over what happen last year, but I did open my door and tell them I was thisclose to calling a social worker because her tots should not only be at school, but also not be wandering around the hood when its below zero...

This time though, it was an older couple...

Old people know better then to parade around outside in the cold, so I just didn't answer...But it was a balmy 7 degrees...and he was wearing a hat..

Like I have said before, going door to door to to try and dump your religion on others is just a tad freaking annoying..

kinda like cat vomit in your underwear.

I have enough shit I am dealing with, then to worry about having to throw your fucking wadded God papers away.

dont get me wrong I love God just as much as the next chick having a bad day, but please for the love of all that remains Holy...dont put your crap in my door..or in my yard or anywhere near me..because this tends to tick off most of man kind.

Then I am reading an article online that the Vatican..i am not catholic but still find it annoying as hell...have made up a couple more sins..

Must be nice to have the power to make up sins..

because I have a whole booklet that should be worthy if this crap passes as sins.

The new sins are destroying the Earth...which in turn the holly roller was all over, cause he wasted the damn paper that I had to throw away with all their cult words and phrases on..

bad bad holy roller, thats one strike against you with these new sins.

Next new sin is genetically modifying humans..

such as stem cells and whatnot..

I don't care about me there are bigger and better things to be worried about..

Like getting these holy rollers outta my damn yard...and just plain stop the practice of them invading our time and property.

I don't have time for it.

If I was a rock star, this kinda shit wouldn't be going down.

Monday, March 10, 2008

R.O.C.K. in the USA

Attention..My Ban on Vodka has been officially lift..

Can I get an amen?

Yeah, with the way things have been progressing here in my neck of the woods, it was only a matter of time.

I can safely say that I have suffered no ill effects from not only being dry for so many months, but am feeling not one bit ill the next morning..

Its a win win..

It was a pretty uneventful weekend here at my homestead.

I did some knitting, made some doilies, and some tea cozies...

Saturday Pale girl and I went out to see a live band at a bar on the outskirts of the shitty space I live in..

We have seen this band 3 or 4 times, they rock pretty well, they are just a cover band..and they play lots of rock and roll which gets me on the dance floor like a doctor to the ER with a code blue.

This band always plays the same songs, in the same order, every time..

They always start playing around 9, take a freaking break at 10 resume rocking at 10:30 and take another break at 11:30.

This tends to tick me off a tad. If you can not sustain enough energy to play for more then an hour at a time...go home.

During the various breaks, the drummer would come to my table...Now he only knows me from Myspace has no idea what my name is.

So he sways over during break one and says..

well holy shit, if it isn't rocker mom

Then he proceeds to make deep eye contact and begins to touch my nekkid arm.

Asks me what my real name is, I tell him...

I think he must fancy my name...

We chatted for a bit, and he continues to look deeply into my eyes and touch me.

Don't get me wrong, he is a hottie...but damn, it was kinda weird.

So every time Pale Girl and I hit the floor to dance, he was winking at me, and staring at my mad dance skillz.

I think I have a fan.

We left when they hit break two because frankly, it was boring there.

We went to our local establishment around midnight, to which there was karaoke.

It was not my normal people, but I had been there once before when they were doing it.

I grab a book, turn in two slips, as thats about all the time I had left..

When its my turn she says..

i remember you, and shit your good

yes yes...thats me baby.

I rock out I hate myself for loving you...its what I do.

For the first time in my life people were standing and clapping when I was done..

I was like

seriously what the fuck..a couple screwdrivers in me and I have people bowing to me...

I am looking pretty cute tonight though,cant blame em..

I mean, I was good, but I have been better.

We left after my song, and this very good good looking gent follows us out.

He taps me on my shoulder and I about put a cap in his ass...

cause at midnight, u don't follow chicks out and shoulder tap then without wanting to die.

He told me his buddy was starting a band and he was looking for a female singer and the gig paid a hefty sum...

Asked me if I would be interested.. thanks...

but thanks for the offer pal...

I had never seen him before, so I was not sure if he was just thinking he might be able to sweet talk me into like going in the dark alley and making sweet whoppie with him or not..

So I got in the car, slammed my door, and gave a nice friendly finger wave.

Could of I just potentially blew a gig that would pay me roughly 2,000 every weekend? Plus bonus salary if we played during the week or weddings?

I'm retarded, that's how I roll.

Friday, March 07, 2008

you better u better u bet

It has come to my immediate attention I need to get a good drunker on.

The stress I am dealing with here is just getting to me.

I know, I know, I swore I gave up vodka after my New Years Mishap...but....

its kinda like birthing a kid, u 4get about the pain and stupidly are willing to give it another go, cause we humans are mildly retarded in that sense.


Oh when I picked the boy up from swim class yesterday at 5pm, cause thats the time it gets out...

I waited in the hall by the boys locker room because they have to shower when they are done, I guess they must work up a sweat swimming???????

Whatever the case may be, I get there around 4:50 because I hate being late, and in return I hate it when people are late.

So I am standing there, there are a couple other parents waiting..shortly after their little boys come galloping outta the locker room into their mothers open arms..

ok, not really, but we will just say this for the sake of story telling.

After 10 minutes goes by, I'm starting to get a little peeved, as my tolerance 4 waiting around is close to nill.

I open the locker room door and scream his name, in that sort of tone an angry mother does.

Another boy that has the same name as mine comes running to beat hell.

I say..nope, not u kid..

thank goodness, I thought I was in big trouble

no, but the other kid in there with your name is.

So after 20 damn minutes of waiting, I'm losing my cool..

I scream again, as it is very quiet in there so I am sure he is the last one in there.

Indeed he was..

We get to the car around 5:34 so this means I stood there more then a half hour waiting 4 this kid.

I give him a lecture on how inconsiderate it is to keep someone waiting who is here to pick his ass up...

he apologized profusely and told me how he has to put on a comedy show 4 his comrades, as he is the stand up comedian of the swim team.

I told him he better not ever do this again, on MY time...instead he needs to sell tickets 4 his next performance or else I am gonna walk into the locker room and heckle him, and then spank him in front of his audience.

Told him a good time to put on a show is during recess at school, not when your loving mother figure is standing waiting 4 your ass.

Oh and the school told me Thursday they want his IQ tested as they are sure he is a gifted student...

so if he is so gifted, why is he flunking math asshats?
So Monday I have a meeting with a teacher who will be doing his testing...
I better bring a copy of his last report card to refresh their memory..
Ok, im off to purchase a couple bottles of my anti depressant.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

two tickets to paradise

I have this kid. Ok I have three actually, but one of them is 4, very cute a tad special and has some major speech impediments..

She will be entering the face paced world of Kindergarten in a short while..

I asked her what grade she was going to be in, and God bless her cotton socks, this is what she said..


Gawd I love this kid..not only can she not say it, but I'm sure as shit she will be riding the short bus when she goes..

The other night Purple Rain was on VH-1 Classic. The Mr. and I sat in bed and watched it..I have it taped on my DVR, yet I force him with my almighty power to watch it..

At the end of the movie I let out a big sigh..ya no, the kinda sigh we give when we are dreaming bout someone..

The kind we of sigh we give when our pupils are in the shape of hearts..

My loving husband kindly says to me..

you never gonna be with him, so just stop

then I say..

excuse me???????????? How dare u presume he would not want to be with me...If only he knew I was here pondering the kind of things he and I would be doing right now, while u stand there in your boxers brushing your teeth and scratching your gut..

to which he says..

im just jealous, u don't sigh at me like that...

to which in my defense i say..

true true...your not him..go to bed.

After school my boy partakes in a swim class..

So this means before he leaves for school in the AM he needs to have his swim suit and a towel..

Which I gather these items for him or the poor lad would never make it out the door before say noon.

Now before he leaves for school I remind him that he is not to come home in his swim suit, or I am gonna kill him.

With my bare hands.

So his bright idea to solve this issue is for him to wear his swim trunks as underwear, he does not forget to take them or bring them home.

I did what any good president would do, I vetoed that down...

So he strolls home and I open his back pack and there lies his wet swim trunks..

ALL his school books, folders, work is sopping wet and smells like chlorine..

Then Boo has been crying today because..

momma, i just want it to be summa

yeah she does not put the R at the end of summer, because as I have said, she is special that way..

She told me she needs it to be summer so she can wear pretty dresses all the time and chase butterflies.

She spotted a brown patch of grass across the yard and she was all excited...Like she had found gold..

Poor dear, I did not want to break it to her that it was not grass but rather a big pile of dog crap from the three legged dog that lives in that yard..

and yes, there really is a three legged dog that lives next to me...I am blessed with all this cool shit

And you guys wonder why I am going to lift my ban on Vodka.