Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Fade away

I am so blasted sick of this weather. I have said this countless times, I hate spring as much as I hate winter. For various reasons..





Like I hate melting snow. I also hate mud, slush and rain.





I am not saying its spring here, but it did snow here Monday and its now 40 so everything is a wet slushy mess. Gawd I hate that..





Another thing I hate is with the thaw on my nice manicured lawn, are remains of winter shit from my dog, that has been buried under snow for months.





In the winter its hard to go clean it up, because, well its cold and I don't go outside.





I hate spring, just let that be known here folks.





~


This is my sons first birthday where my dear old grandpa was unable to call and wish him a good day.





Now when we lived back in Michigan, my grandparents would come over for every tots birthday so since we moved here, they call..





I know I have wrote a lot about my grandpa in the past, and I do realize I am not the only living soul on the Earth to lose a grandpa..





BUT, I am in the only one to lose this one..





well besides my sister and all my cousins, but what the fuck ever..





And boy he would be mad knowing I used the F word in something I was writing about him..





Golldamnit..





Anyway, I made the weekly chore of calling my grandma today. Now I call it a chore because she likes to gab. She can keep me on the phone for longer then I am physically able to maintain stimulating conversation.





She can talk about the neighbor lady, the people from church, the lady who drives her around for appointments, the people who mow her grass and shovel for her, the mail man...U name it, she has a story to tell about them





DO I care?





holy shit no.





But I am a good granddaughter so I call her.





She was telling me about the busy week she has had already, she had a doctor appointment Monday and a dentist appointment Tuesday..





Thats hard core for her..trust me.





She then went on to say that the last time she was at the dentist grandpa had an appointment with the doctor across the street...so he wandered over there whilst she got a teeth cleaning..





She then said the doctor never took his temperature that day, and maybe if he would of they would of caught something....





Because he was dead a week later from an infection of some sort.





She went on to tell me how she cries daily because she misses him so much, and that each day gets worse not better.





And I must say I do agree, because I have a hard time dealing with it myself..and I was not married to him for 60 years...





He was just my grandpa for 32 years...





I can recall eating dinner over there alot, because I loved to do that..





My grandpa loved green onions and radishes and he always had a wonderful garden..





At dinner he would sprinkle salt on one of those little plates and dip his green onion or radish on his salt and eat it..





I tried it, and I hated it..





He would also eat butter and bread with every meal and sprinkle sugar on top of it.





To which I loved ...And it use to piss my mom off, because I would request it with dinner at home every night, because grandpa did it...





He would also break wind just about every time he got up from a damn seated position...





he was awesome that way.





My son made mention he missed the call from Grandpa Dave..





They were buddies....My grandpa worshiped the ground that kid tread on.





He cried when I birthed all of my tots, and was at my door the second I brought them all home from the hospital, just so he could hold them.





The day I came home from having the boy, which would be right around 11 years ago today, he came over and just looked at him and cried and cried while he held him.





I was wondering if the baby was ugly and it hurt him to look at him...





My son has a picture in a frame in his room of grandpa and him sleeping on the floor. When they would babysit and it was the boys nap time, grandpa would lay on the floor with him while he fell asleep.





Pretty amazing for an old man to get his ass to the floor like that..





Anyway, this will be the first year I don't get a call as well...





I need to stop calling my granny because its just a downer...



Not a day goes by that I do not re-live the day he passed.



For those of u who are new here, I will enlighten u with this...



I was not scheduled to go back to Michigan until July 20th, and the only reason I was going back was because I was going to a Def Leppard show in Detroit. SO I was going to stay a couple of weeks to make it look like I am a good daughter and granddaughter to make a trek to Michigan to visit.



On July 7th I went to the Prince concert here in Minneapolis and I just had a funny feeling all night..



I woke up the next morning and told the husband to pack his shit, because I needed to go to Michigan now..I was not sure why..but I knew I needed to go.



My grandma had told me gramps was in the hospital but would be home on Wednesday..He was just in there because his red blood count was low from his chemo...



So Sunday morning off we went to Michigan..



My family kept telling me he was fine, and that I did not need to hurry home, that I should just wait till the 20th.



No fucking way.



I got there Monday afternoon and went right to his room at the hospital. We chatted, he looked like shit, but he was alive.



By that evening he looked amazingly better and I thought for sure he would be going home Wednesday.



Tuesday morning my step mom woke me up early to let me know my dad had been at the hospital all night with him and he was not doing well.



I rushed there to be with my dad, my grandma and gramps.



He was having such a hard time breathing that he could not talk..he would just nod when I talked to him..



What a drastic turn it was from just 12 hours ago.



I sat there all day holding his hand until he took his last breath just before noon on Tuesday.



He never made it till Wednesday.



And if I would of waited until the 20th to leave, I would of never got to hold his hand while he died.



Every time I talk to my grandma it is like re-hashing the whole thing...And I hate thinking about her being in pain too..



I know how hard it is for me, so I cant even imagine what its like for her.



All this brought on just by a weekly call to grandma.



This is why I hate talking on the phone people...do u see why?



And also brought on by my son not getting a call....



which in turn leads to me not getting a call.



fucking death sucks donkey balls.



that's the whole point to this..



in case u didn't know.



Amen.


30 comments:

just_tammy said...

Now I'm crying because neither one of you got a call!!! You'll keep calling your grandma because you're a wonderful granddaughter. Of course you will vent here later!

Flip Flop Momma said...

Tam,
no crying aloud here...

Well really it isnt time for me to get a call..yet...

*sigh*

but no crying..

Patti said...

I know pretty much exactly how you feel. My grandparents were my whole wide world even after I got married. When my Pa was in the hospital and we knew he would never make it out I visited him ever day and spent all the time I could with him. Our last words were "I love you Pa" he said "I love you too honey". I am so glad.
So sorry about you and the boys feelings of loss on his birthday (and every day).

Kendra Lynn said...

I sort of feel like I already said goodbye to my granny, and she is still alive. But her memory is gone, and that hurts so much. I avoid talking to her on the phone, because she just can't talk on the phone anymore.
I call my Papa just about every week though. He needs to hear from me, even if I don't talk to granny.
I am sorry for your loss...it is so hard to say goodbye to someone you love so much.

Kendra

The Kept Woman said...

(as an aside I'm very jealous that you even had a grandpa that you were that close to...cherish that...forever)

Flip Flop Momma said...

thank u girls....

fir some reason i was kinda hit todayand its been hurting...

I miss him terrably:(

Southern Sage said...

well i didnt cry. But I do memer the boy was tore up, I'm old school like that.
U needta send g-ma some flowers for Easter. U want I send. Don't fuck with me u kno i will!

It does suck about any death
my momma never got to see my son
and that sucks for me.

but its good that u arent gonna breed anymore unless its with me again!
hehe

Flip Flop Momma said...

good idea...I just may send her some flowers..

thts my boy, given me ideas and shit.

Scarlet said...

So I get home from the viewing, read this and feel your pain. Why do good people have to leave us? I don't get it.

1 plus twins said...

i can't even comment now cuz i am bawling my eyes out. it just brings back when we first moved here and my grandma died and i didn't get there in time to say goodbye. it is a horrilbe feeling i have lived with the last two years and i miss her more and more. anyway what i was trying to say was i know exactly how you feel, death sucks ass!!

Katie said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine.

Shannon said...

I totally understand how you feel. My Grandfather died last August. He had been sick for a few months. We went to his house for a pool party for my 8 year old. I don't know why but I had a feeling he was going to die on my sons birthday. My mom and I went to his room to talk to him, and he had JUST died. I was the one that told her he wasn't breathing. I had to stand in that room and listen to my mother tell my Grandmother that he had passed. Those moments are burned in my memory. He was the best Grandfather anyone could have, and I cry everytime I think about him.
Don't stop calling your Grandmother, she probably looks forward to those calls.

Tom said...

Bossy, for sure phone your gram...some things are just that important. My mom is 80 and doing well, and she goes on about boring stuff, but I know when she's gone I'll miss her voice.
Funny thing about mourning, the first 6 months or so are the easiest, but 6 months to a few years, it's like getting hit with a brick in the face when it's least expected. It was that way when my dad passed.

Flip Flop Momma said...

Scarlet,
it just plain sucks.

1PT,
that sucks umissed it....that makes it even worse huh?

Katie,
thanks.

Shannon,
aww, thats horriable..

Tom,
naw,i really aint gonna stop calling her....but she is rather annoying at times..

she just turned 80 in January...

Janell said...

You are SO right when you said, "BUT, I am in the only one to lose this one.." Grandads are irreplacable. Flowers for Grandma is a great idea. You know she probably looks forward to your calls as much as you looked forward to Grandpa's. I had an aunt who talked like that = kept me on the phone for 45 minutes every time I dialed her number, but I sure miss her now.

Death only sucks for the folks who are left behind. We only leave this world to get to a better one.

CMB said...

Wow, that was very emotional. I can't believe you got that all in a post! God bless Grandma, Gramps, your boy and of course you.

Dana G. said...

Just focus on all those great memories.....thats all I try and do when I think of someone who has passed away.

gina said...

((hugs))

Death does suck donkey balls. I miss my dad (my girls Papa) often. I hoped it helped to pour it out in a post!!

Flip Flop Momma said...

Janell,
they sure are irreplaceable...and thats the part that sucks the most..

CMB,
Thanks..

I coulda went on for hours;)

Dana,
thanks...yes, me and the kids often look thru our photo albums and remeber the all the good times..

Gina,
gosh, I am gonna be a wreck when my dad dies...

that would suck..

too bad all the good ones cant go on forever..

but that would count me out:)

Yippeeskip said...

With mom's death looming, this post hit close to home. I am so sorry for the depth of your loss and love the image of your grandpa and butch napping on the floor.

Flip Flop Momma said...

Yippee,
oh yes, I am sorry about your mom, just knowing that must be hard..

if I had a scanner I would scan the pic and post it, but my tots broke it a coouple years ago, because they suck that way.

Just lil o me... said...

You are right when you say that you're the only one that lost this one. And you're doing a great job of remembering him by looking thru old photos and talking about him. You know he is watching over you & the tots and Gramma. As much as you miss and love him, he misses and loves you too. ((hug)) Keep calling grammy, she needs you and the tots.
And no, I didnt cry, cause I know the rules!
Kat

themuttprincess said...

Sending you hugs. It is always difficult the first few years (hell, even years later things will bring back that pain of loss...)

It is really hard when it affects your kids... My son still remembers his great grandma, and will bring it up often (she died years ago, and he is 12, and at times he still really misses her!!)

KrazyMom said...

Going through the same struggle with a grandparent here myself. She is not doing well at all! Even though they are "up there in age" it in no way makes it any easier to let them go!

I am sure it is hard for you emotionally, but DO continue to call your Grandma. She needs you!

((hugs))

So Not The Bradys said...

I'm new to your blog. Not sure how I happened upon it. But here I am.

My grandpa died in '99 just before I turned 30. So yeah, I'm old now.

Just wanted to let you know I get what you're saying. I know it exactly. It's still hard for me to visit my grandma, and she just lives a mile down the road. I can't express how much I still miss my grandpa.

I'm still prone to getting a little teary when I see a redbud tree because they were his favorites. Get a little teary when the daffodils start blooming because he loved them. I drive by their house in the evening sometimes and still expect to see him sitting by the window in his recliner reading a book or watching TV.

I know everyone tells you that it does get better. And yeah, it kinda does, but you don't ever stop missing and remembering.

Rachel said...

I don't recall either of my grandparents. One died before I was born and the other when I was a wee babe. Pretty much the same with my Grandma's.

Just remember those good times.
How wonderful that you came in time to be there when he died.

catrina said...

My grandma died 14 years ago, and not a day goes by that I don't think of her. And when I smell "White Shoulders" perfume on anyone, I will always make a silent prayer that it's her behind me. She sounds a lot like your grandpa---always close to me and my kids. I just wish she could have met her great grandkids. I know they'd love her, too.
Sending hugs your way... {{{{ }}}}

Flip Flop Momma said...

Just lil ole me,
yeah, plus I have pics of the two of them all over, always have just because I was so far form them and didnt want the kids to 4get them..

I better not catch any tears here ever!

;)

TMP,
for sure when it effects the kids it makes it worse, my 4 year old who was 3 at the time says all the time..

"grandpa dave is dead"

it kidna rolls off her tongue and lets me know he is in the ground, cause she saw him there..

damn kids..

Krazymom,
it must suck for sure going thru that right now..At least grandpa went fast and didnt linger on..

i feel so bad for those of you who go thru that...like your just waiting for them to go...

I sure hope it gets better for u..


and dont worry, I will still call granny, I mean she is the only grandparent I have...

she gets on my nerves, but so do my kids and my spouse:)

So not the Bradys,

first off love the name..hahaha

thanks for your comment, and your not old;)


although I cant drive by as I dont live in the same state, we bought my grandpa's car from my grandma, because she doesnt drive and the car was brand new and we were buying a new one anyway...and everytime i see it in my drive way..i have a funny feeling inside..





Rachel,
im sorry u dindt get to exprince the full joy of grandparents..that really sucks..


Catrina,
the smell of Listerine reminds me of my grandpa..weird huh?


I sure hope it gets easeir, because it makes me sad everyday and everyday I think about him..

Haphazardkat said...

:( sadness :(

I'm sorry your son didn't get his call. You're absolutely right, Death sucks. Big ass time.

Flip Flop Momma said...

Kat,
sure does huh?