So last night I had a dream. One of the weirdest dreams a chick like me could have. I am almost too embarrassed to say it..Almost, but not quite.
Anyhoo, I had a dream I was engaged to someone...I had a weird black onyx ring with small encrusted diamonds..I was real ugly!! And for the person I was engaged too, they could soo afford a better for ring, for me. Their love.
So who was I engaged too...Ok I will tell you..I was engaged to none other than Oprah Winfrey. Is that totally insane or what? We were at some event and I wanted to make sure everyone knew her and I were together. It was creepy , yet not so creepy.
Heaven help me, why the heck am I dreaming about being Oprah,s brawd??
Is it totally insane for me to want to make nicey with some of my neighbors in order to get them to apply for Trading Spaces? Why do they have to live next door??? Damn, I don't even know my neighbors, and I don't know if their houses suck..I just want someone to come re-do my bedroom . I am too cheap and too lazy to hurdle that task. It is much too big. So if any of my neighbors are out there...."um hey, ya wanna...ahh, Trade Spaces sometime?"
Now have you heard of e-harmony.com?
It is a dating service online. My mom has signed up for it, and is hoping to find a match. I am in charge of weeding out the would be migdets and creeps. (truth be told, it is better this way). So every night I go thru her matches and pick the ones I like. I have found a few semi-alright guys. There is truly nothing harder than to marry off your mutha.
I have a few requirements of my own...
1. Must be above 5 feet tall ( I do not mean to discriminate..I am just sayin)
2. Must have job...(self explanatory)
3. Must be wealthy. ( I have always wanted to be rich)
4. Must have winter home off the coast of Hawaii..( and not be there when I want to go there)
5.Must be willing to take my mother to your house, feed her, bathe her ( not together of course),by her things,take her on trips,marry her, and be willing to let my kids have free reign of your house for weekends on end.
6. Must not be weird
7. Must be willing to give your step daughter cash for cruising, and going to the pizza shop..Or for a vacation or a new whatever I want when I want it
6. Let me call you daddy:-)
So do you think I will get any takers? I know, I am extremely fussy!! But trust me..I need to be..
She had me take a pic of her today to put on her profile..I did her hair and her make-up..So I will share with you the picture..I took one of her and baby spawn too..But again, she was not wanting her picture taken...Pisser!!
So there you have it..If anyone wants to date her..Send all correspondents with your newest w-2 form to the address below
Marrying off mum
345 hot hunnie blv.
Minneapolis , MN
And this reminds me of a funny story. When I was about 10 years old I was with my mom at some kind of party. Bunch of her friends and whatnot, and I was trying to be "cool and blend in with the ladies".
In front of all her friends I told her I wanted her to pack me the juice box with the green straw because I wanted to get horny.
Now 10 year old me had no bloody idea what horny meant, I just knew I heard my friends talking about being horny. All of my moms friends nearly wet themselves and my mom says
" do you know what horny means?"
" um, yes..."
" well, what"
"means I want to be kissed"
" um, well, yes..yes your right honey"
after we got home, she told me what it meant. I wanted to die because I had no idea what I was saying. And I felt so stupid. Later my mom told me that it was not a good thing for a 10 year old to be saying you want to be horny..I did not tell her I told my teacher before I left school that day that I was gonna get horny over the weekend..:-)
Here is our hello hottie
Lenny Kravitz..Oh la la
and my honey....
hands off..They are both mine:-)
Happy hump day