Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Intution

When I got to my MIL's house in July, I was not in the door more then 2 damn minutes and she said " oh wait hun, I got something for you"..

Seems I got some junk mail there and rather then throw it out...she kept it and saved it for me..for 8months..................

Well, I must say I am glad she did, because what this junk mail was...was a free trail for the Shick Intuition razor, plus a refill..

Now I thought to myself, no way in hell will I use this piece of crap. I am the kinda gal who either uses shampoo or when I am feelin real spendy I buy Skintamate shave gel..And now being that I am...um...well...unemployed...this free sample has saved the stubble that has been accumulating over the last few weeks.

I love this thing..All you do is wet it and go...Its like God created something special, just for me. Like he knew I would fall on hard times, and thought a nice piece of junk mail might get me thru these pathetic displays of crying and sobbing over the loss of my job..

yea right..

Anyway, this is some cool stuff. I like want to shave my legs and pits like every other day....I am smoother then a snake who just shed its skin..

all over, as it works good in those, um, problem areas...


Oh and I lost ten pounds since I been home...in one freaking week. That goes to show what kind of a lifestyle I was living there..No walking 8 miles a day, no veggies or home cooked meals...

I would of not lasted 6 months before my arteiries would of caved in on themselves.

Although I do have my funeral all planned out..which the odd part is, Mr SHaky has been asking me what kind of ceremony I want..which sort of gives me the creeps, but also I know shit will get done the way I want...because he worries I will come back and haunt him. No shit..he really does think that..

This is an email I sent him...so he knows what I want..

ok here is what I want..

Lots of flowers,,,daisy's and any other u see fit..I do not want flowers on my casket..i want a nice solid colored casket...maybe a rose or a purple color..if u can find a nice pale green one at a good price, that would be your best bet..

song list goes as follows..

Two steps behind...opening hymn..

to get everyone to stop shedding tears, jump into No matter what..

not sure if there will be any speakers there, as not many people like me..under no circumstances do I want your brother Matt to say anything, hell, I dont even want him to go..

make sure on my "board" you copy pics of me and the kids and u..thats why I like getting pics with us and them..for the board..

also make a separate one of my concert pics...by the time I die, there will be a very big collection...and even though u dont like the ugly chics, please post all the pics i have with me and them..by the time i die, I will also have a good collection of those..

oh and post pics of my tattoos...or else have me lay on my stomach..so they can be seen..I paid good money for them..by the time i die, there will be a collection of those as well..

after you or whoever says a few good things about me....close with a 21 gun salute..and then play Purple Rain, that will be my closing hymn..

don't take me to hackers...

then bury me under a palm tree ..

any questions



for those of you who aren't sure..Two Steps behind is a Def Leppard song..part of the lyric goes like this

Whatever you do I'll be two steps behind you Wherever you go and I'll be there to remind you That it only takes a minute of your precious time To turn around and I'll be two steps behind


see its kinda fitting...

No Matter What is also a Lep song, its the Boo's fav song here is aprt of the lyic for that one

No matter what you are I will always be with you Doesn't matter what you do girlOoh girl with youNo matter what you do I will always be around Won't you tell me what you found girlOoh girl, oh won't you


see..fitting again...

and if your wondering what Hackers is..its the name of a funeral parlor on the homeland, which my lesbian friends family owns...they are creepy..like the kinda creepy you get when u see Marylin Manson.

So far all my family has went there, including grandpa, but SHaky knows I will haunt him if I go there..and he ain't willing to risk it.

Ok, I gotta go...I think there is a tornado coming or something...shit.




33 comments:

Fantastagirl said...

You mean he doesn't know that no matter what - you are going to haunt him...

Flip Flop Goddess said...

antsagirl,
nope...he is cluless..

i am on my old laptop which the letter that start with your name doesnt work..damn

Humincat said...

No, crackhead, my mom is not a 90 year old lesbian, she is a 55 year old lesbian whose girlfriend's mom is 90. I just don't like using those words in reference to my mother. Any other lesbian is fine, but it's kinda creepy when it's all of a sudden your mom. A bit, um, ewww, if you ask me, but I love them just the same.

Flip Flop Goddess said...

ok ok..my crak musta not been out o my system when i read it then;)

my best pal back home is a lesbo..think it would be kinda cool i my mom was..lesians are real bubbly people..hehe

Yippeeskip said...

Lesbians would prefer Melissa Etheridge's "Keep it Precious" or the "Letting Go" played at their funeral

Cheeky said...

See I want some Royal Purpleness at my funeral too....but also some Bon Jovi baby!!!!

Kendra Lynn said...

Nice..planning out your funeral.
My mom did that years ago.
She has it all written down for my dad.
She is only 51.

Kendra

aatank said...

Don't forgert to have your clothes picked out too. Our hub's will put you in some church dress or something. Also buy your grave plot now...they just keep getting more expensive. When Keegan passed away we bought 24 spots for our whole family to be buried together.

What is your lesbian friends name...I thought you said it was Tammy. Just curious.

Hackers is kind of kreepy but they do the best makeup. Marshes make your eyes look like you had a really bad face lift and make you white as a ghost.

OK I think this is long enough~ Good planning.

Flip Flop Goddess said...

Yippeskip,
dang, u know what u want..rock on..

Cheeky,
how about " Ill be there for you" or "bad medcine"..haha

Kendra,
well, some people are planners..I am only 32 and have mine all figured out;)

Aatank,
shit, I forgot about the clothes..well I dont own a nice church dress, so that aint an issue, and he knows I will haunt him if he pulls shit like that;)

yes, its Tammy...

I want to be buried under a palm tree somewhere ocean side...not in a cemetary..

again, another haunting if I end up in Greenwood:)

catrina said...

note to self---plan funeral.
On another note, I got the trial offer for the Intuition, too----and I love it! I find myself using it more often than the 'old' kind! What an invention!

Flip Flop Goddess said...

Catrina,
yup..plan it..u dont want shit going on that dont want..

and its great isnt it?..In fact, i wanna go shave now.

1 plus twins said...

i would be willing to speak at your funeral and i am sure a lot of your blogger friends will too.

the razor sounds cool. that is all me.

i can't believe you lost 11 pounds that is great. i am so jealous. i went shopping with my boys the other day and last night drew said i had lines on my ass and michael said no those weren't lines they were holes in my butt checks. nice real nice for your kids to pick you apart and make it known i am a fat ass!! lol

Karin said...

I can't be bothered to shave anymore because it is too uncomfortable to reach. I think I am going to have to have the husband help me so that I don't have labor not nurses holding on to hairy legs.

Hubby wants to bury me and I want to be cremated so he better go first so that I don't have to worry about him burying me even though I told him not too. Maybe I will have to figure this whole haunting thing.

Flip Flop Goddess said...

1 plus twins,
damn...those bad bad kids..how dare them point out their moms flaws;)

Karen,
oh yes, I recall the days where shaving became a thing of the past when I was preggers...I had someone do it for me too..

Halfmexican Mama said...

Hackers...hmm you seem like more of a Marsh's girl...

Poor Hackers their more like The Addams family or The Munsters albeit good people....

I used to use that razor too it does rock!!! Dont go too crazy with it though...

Flip Flop Goddess said...

HMM,
yup..I am a MArsh kinda girl..and Hackers are NOT good people..I know shit..they are not good people..

and it makes me sick knowing my grandma wrote D Hacker a check for 7 grand for grandps funeral..

ok, dont go crazy with it?..why not/??????

Katie said...

I love that Def Leppard song.

aatank said...

Oh I forgot to tell you....One bad thing about that razor is that all of the soap material is gone on the bottom and the top still has enough for 10 more shaves. But I do like it for quickness.

How come I do not know this Tammy? Is she a Hacker? I thought I knew their whole family...and yes they are a little weird.

Neurotic1 said...

No Hackers? Come on- you know it's just the creepiness of name! Also the creepiness of that old building with all the plants they used to be in!

Say goodbye to your new weight loss when your cinna-melts come back!

What's wrong with Matt?

Flip Flop Goddess said...

Katie,
it does rock doesnt it...

Aatank,
oh crap, thanks for putting a damper on it..shit..

Tammy is siters with D Hacker...so Arlen is her BIL...

Neurotic,
shame on u...how dare u bring me down on my weight loss...shit..

but your right, and thats the sad part..haha

Matt and I dont see eye to eye on things....Him and I have "issues"..

Thats worthy of a private email..hahahahahaa

MamaMichelsBabies said...

Trick to the intuition.. when all the stuff on the top part is gone and you still have a bunch on the bottom half, flip it upside down, slide the bottom half over your leg then flip it again and shave.... it's still way easier then the old way.

I'm gettin cremated, then put out in the ocean. The idea of someone putting make up on my dead body is beyond creepy to me.

Choppzs said...

I love the razor, and the song!!! I am going to pick some sappy, make you bawl your eyes out kind of songs for my funeral. lol. Just so everyone has to look like crap, with their makeup all a mess and stuff! lol Then I am going to request a big old keggar to be thrown afterwards. Everyone get drunk on me, ya know?? lol

Flip Flop Goddess said...

Momma,
way cool advice, I will try it when it gets to the end..

I always wanted to be creamnted until I saw one happen..My lesbian friend whose family owns the funreal home..well anyway one summer I went with her to take a body to be creamted...they put the body in the oven, and u can look thru the window and i did..and the body kinda sat up all on its own ..it was on fire and it was sitting up..like it was being burned alive..it kinda creeped my ass out..

I dont wear make up now, so I wouldnt think they would put any on when I am dead..haha

Choppzs,
sounds like your coming along nicely on your funral arrangements too..haha

Tom said...

Why don't you just fill the tub full of nair and sit in it?
Problem solved!

themuttprincess said...

HA. I love getting free trials in the mail. Sometimes I swear I like them more than any of the expensive shit I buy when I can afford it... (or not afford it but do anyhow)

jsull28f said...

shit
i have also told how i wanna be done in
and paid for the service
anyway
American Trilogy (sp) will be sung then "I'l Fly Away" some folks are chrch folks
then on m grave it'll say
my name then under that A By God Till The End.
hehe

Flip Flop Goddess said...

Tom,
shoot, nair burns like no bodys buisenss..hehe

themuttprincess,
I rarely get free trails..and this didnt even come to my house..but I am damn glad my MIL saved it..not sure if I would buy one after my free shit is gone..but we will see;)

JS,
glad to see you got your plans well underway...hehe

so your gonna play Merl H right?..

Halfmexican Mama said...

I want the song Tequila Makes her Clothes fall off played at mine....for real.

Ba Doozie said...

you have to be freakin kidding about the hackers funeral home.

ok..what else....

I think the idea about you lying on your tummy so peeps can view your tatt's is good. But I would encourage you to take that one step further. I think you should donate the tattoo's. I think you should ask for that particular area of skin to be removed from your dead self, and implanted on someone else, perhaps a burn victim. That way you can live on through this event.

Flip Flop Goddess said...

HMM,
I will see to it that it happens;)

Badoozie,
ok, tha kinda creeped me out..haha

Sandi said...

OMG! Too funny!

FYI- I have spent my last two vacations taking "board ready" pictures. Love it!

PS: If you already have him running scared, I would tell Mr. Shaky that you will huant him if he doesn't buy you diamonds...

patti_cake said...

You're posts always get me thinking... about my funeral plans. Hmmmm..........

Flip Flop Goddess said...

Sandi,
I am not a diamonds kinda girl...

Patti cake,
then I am doing my job!

haha