Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Tear it down

Well, it is down to the wire. Not sure how many days are left in Hanaka, but I dont even have a menroa or a draddle, so I am not a good Jew either. Bad Christian and an even worse JEw. I mean at least I do have the damn tree up. Killing a tree just so it can shed all over my damn floor. What hoilday bliss.

Tonight begins my wrapping extravganza. I start out good, top speed, nice neat folded corners. I can wrap the most ackward of packages. After the 3rd or 4th gift, it kinda looks like a blind fetus wapped it. By the time I get to the last gift, I dont even care if I have enough paper to cover the whole enitre gift..Thats the joy of being me, I dont give a rats ass if your gift is wrapped all the way, you just better be thanking God on your knees that you got something.

I hate Christmas.

I kinda hate Hananka too.

Im a holiday hater I suppose.

Friday is my dreaded holiday party in Blondies first grade class. I still am unsure what I bring. Her teacher called me last night, but I was working. I hate not knowing what am I suppose to do. I hate being in charge of anything. Putting me in charge of anything is a drastic oversight on anyones behave. This will teach them though I suppose. I was going to make some cookies, but unsure if I can...sometimes you cant bring in homemade things becuase holy shit i might put out of date eggs in it, or even some arsnic or something..


I need to find a job where I dont have to do any work, but still collect a paycheck. I am thinking my big idea to live on welfare is not going to pan out. Mr Shaky informed me that his income is much to high for me to apply for foodstamps and a state endorced credit card. All I want is welfare. Thats all. Is that to much to ask? I see women flipping out thier welfare cards all the time at the store. Able bodied laides with a brood of unclean chitlins. I want to be the stinky lady with unkept kids getting free shit. it is starting to eat away at me. I told Mr Shaky I may need to divroce him in order to live out my dream. He told me good luck. Then informed me that once the divorce is final, he wants free cheese from me. I told him thats fine, but he may need to pay me alimony under the tbale to suplemnt my drinking and my tattooing...Oh and my 1000 dollar concert tickets, my hair being cut and groomed ever so lovley, my nice clothes, the cat food for my dog, take out money so I can feed my kids Mcdonalds once a week, and a manny to take care of the kids while I have some alone time...or non kid time...or mommy time...and a good looking manny too, i need to see head shots before they are hired.

He told me I might as well just stayed married. I get all that stuff for free as it is. Welfare will come in good time.

That is a goal we can try and reach toghter..To not work, yet reicve compinsation for doing nothing..

Or win the lotto, makes no never mind to me I suppose. Although that would kinda of take away my theroy of "sticking it to the goverment"....I have been paying them all these years, and I just want them to pay it forward, thats all.

Boo just told me when she gets married and moves, she is going to move closer to where God is.

I hope she dont end up being a nun...First I will be married to a damn preacher, then a nun for a daughter...where the hell did I go wrong people?...Do U know me?..damnit.

Bee Real

my spell check aint working...so suck it....


just_tammy said...

The wrapping extravaganza has begun here as well. I gave up when I realized I have no idea if the two kids are anywhere even in the gift department. All I know for sure is the girl child's gifts are all tiny ones and the other one's are all much larger. So the question of the day is does size matter?! Does my Bossy have an answer?

Send some cheese this way if you score a wheel. I know there are some crackers in a cupboard somewhere.

Oh, the wrapping issues all started with having to score some more tape. Where the heck does all the tape go?

Angie said...

Dang girl, you are way ahead of me. I haven't even started shopping!! I know, I'm an idiot, but in all honesty, I am the world's biggest procrastinator. We are going tomorrow night :)

As for the welfare...my suggestion, have your hubby give you a black eye, then not only will you get some money, you'll also get free day care for the job you will just sit around and do nothing at. (my suggestion for that, become a librarian)

Merry Christmas, Hanaka, what-have-you!!

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

size does not matter, just the amount of presnets..u can spend 500 bucks on ONE gift, and if thats the only gift, and the other kid has 500 bucks worth of small gifts, shit will hit the fan...just make sure its an equal amounts, thats my advice, size does not matter..in most cases:)

ok, u need to get shopping...I am a big procratinator too..i am shocked I am done already.

and your advice totally rocks..um, have u dont this before?..hehe

how far r u from columbia south carolina?

like how many hours?..tell me, tell me now:)

j said...

where do I apply for the manny gig?
haaaa at married to a preacher and momma of a nun.
I am trying to get my daughter to marry a dude with alot of lnad where the hunting is good.
I also am against the holiday.
and sticking it to the g;ment im all for too
I just don't pay 'em any income taxes
ok i know eventually they will catch me, I know this, then I gotta pay but I'm a rebel without a clue so I stick it to 'em for now!!!
I owe em like 87 dollars a year so they arer really missin out!
make the tards in boos class some brownies with sleeping meds i 'em. You will be the hero of the class mommies!

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

its not boo its blonide, good Lord get em straight, Boo is only 3 sweety:)

I want blondie to marry a dude with a good life insurance policy..

he is going to need it..and preferably a plastic surgeon, so i can get that lipo and my basic "upkeep" surgery for cost;)

ole free stuff j said...

well i don't keep track ifn they dont have any js DNA
but I did think of a way to getcha more free shit
get bred, then you can more stuff
I think ifn you get urself knocked up then the free stuff will pour in!!
why I gotta be a sweety for?
can you get me a deal on lipo too???
I dont wanna pay cost I dont wanna pay at all, maybe the g'ment will pay for it, hey we could do something absolutely assinine and vote Dem and elect Hillary Road-Ham,and get free medical!!!
wooooooo hooooooo
ole j

Blazer1234 said...

Yeah, good luck with that wrapping thing. I have most of mine done...just three presents to wrap. And I have no damn motivation to wrap them. I might just hand them out in the nice plastic bags the store put them in.

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

now your talking..free health care for us all;)

but I dont much care to spew out anymore demons, but maybe for a buck i might think about it.

three gifts, your my hero.

mr shaky would just wrap them in newspaper..he is cheap that way.

money maker J said...

well I was thinkin more ifn you could have like twins or octuplets or sumthin then the funds would just pour in!!!!!!
I mean ole Billery might even send a personal check!!!!
I'm thinkin I'm really onto somthing, then you could fly to mexico and sneak back across the boarder then youd get alot of funds and be a hero!, Hey then move into a 1968 single wide and instantly you can park a brand new Caddy and a brand assed new truck right in front of that bought by your g'ment check!!
you are already on the right track with Butch bein mine and boo and blondie bein mr shaky britches (*we are to assume), the g'ment loves "alternitive" families! Then move a woman in there too and participate in a homersexual ralationship, as well as divorcing Mr. Shaky damn girl show you da money!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(if the girl you move in is black or latino then you get even more funding!!)

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

u aoughts to write a book..

maybe u got to much time on your hands, i dunno...but ur ideas, they are worth sumptin crakcer, they really is...

i would love a nice shiny 1968 singlewide...yeehaw bitches..with parts of the roof blowing in the wind..nice;)

Jimmy Carter rules said...

well then I can move in widja!
then I'll get a 69' camaro or a 67 stang and park that mint condition bitch right out front and we will never work, not give a doodily damn about our chilren and just draw a check!
damn Bossy you are turning me into a friggin Democrat!!!!!!

keesh said...

Oh I love this "my spell check aint working so SUCK it." You are so funny! that is how i wrap presents too. in fact I roped my lovely 22 year old neighbor into helping me wrap presents on Sunday. SHe has no kids and thought it was fun (ok, whatever) :), so anyway, that was that...I am done wrapping the little one's gifts, now he gets to help me with all the other people we had to buy for.

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

seems things are begining to look up for us both;)

man, I wish I had a nieve neighbor who thought wrapping was fun..damn.

I am not wrapping anyones elses but the kids, and only cuz I have to;)

~Deb said...

First of all, I'm coming to your place to have my gifts wrapped. And as far as becoming a nun? I'm close to it baby!!!

Cliff Morrow said...

The teacher just wanted to ask you to please wash your hands before making goodies. OR she had a 7 step dessert recipe she wants you to try that only takes 6.5 hours to make with a 12 hour 'overnight' in the fridge before you bake it.

Kendra Lynn said...

LOL...did you ever tell me what kind of preacher Mr. Shaky wants to be? If you work it just right, and he ends up pastoring a VERY small church, you might very well be able to get welfare! I know some pretty poor preachers.


Brandy said...

Hey there... The week that I put the trees up all lovely presents get wrapped and stuck under the tree to drive my teenage brats nuts for the next 3 weeks! Tee Hee!!

Good Luck on the party thing Friday! You will do fine if you remember to take ear plugs with ya!

Neurotic1 said...

I don't mind wrapping gifts. I lock myself in the bedroom, grab a beer, and have an afternoon of peace and quiet! I'm with ya on the welfare thing. I am ready to give it all up and get free everything. Btw- Columbia is about 3 hours from us.

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

go ahead bring your stuff, as long as u dont mind it looking like a blind fetus wrapped it.

she must not know i am not a bkaer, and not a 7 layer baker either.

Methodist...at the momement anyway..

I am afraid even on my income, no way I could get welfare, with my three jobs, I make a killin girl..hehe..its all a big dream..to not work, yet get paid...I love to dream..

plus they would want us to spend or give away our enst egg..and i am not willing to give THAt up..so welfare is just a dream..I can dream cant I?..hehe

u put the gifts under before santa even gets there?..damn your good woman!

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

well, when I have to wrap for three kids that are spoiled rotten, I just hate doing it..when I just had one kid, it wasnt so bad,u just wait till u pop out more, it wont be so fun then..

welfare rocks..lets get goin on that..

3 hours?..wow, thats awesome..we are moving there!..we will be neighbors...well practically:)

The Kept Woman said...

Welfare does seem like a much easier option...what about when the social workers come to take your kids? When does that happen, 'cause I could really use a break.

Claire said...

Wrapping? Oh heck no. Well done you for getting through it!


Cliff Morrow said...

Kendra,You're right!! I've heard several 'poor' preachers in my day too.

JD's Rose said...

If you find that job where you don't have to work but still get a pay cheque, please let me know.

I say run with the arsnic cookies.

And, you are doing better than me. I don't even own a tree!


kaliblue said...

I just wanted to wish ya'll a very Merry Christmas and the bestest for the coming New Year!! :-).

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

well I know a blogger who is a socail worker, I can give her your address:)

i have not started yet...in the morning,...then i will be done..

me too..thats part of my church goin trouble..our preacher is a jackass..

go get your damn tree woman.

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

opps forgot u kaliblu,
thanks and same to u 2:)

Brandy said...

Yep.. When the kids were little I use to tell them that I had to wrap the boxes for Santa and then he would do his little magic thing and twitch the nose to put the gifts in the boxes. That worked up until they got nosey the little brats! Now I wrap them and tie ribbon so tight that you would not believe and I dont put their names on them. I put little sayings on there! Tee Hee *evil laugh* Arent I a sweety??