Monday, December 18, 2006

Shook me all night long

So Saturday we did our so non Christian thing and took the girl bees to see the ever popular Santa Clause. Or poor fat man with high cholerstol and B.O. as I call him. Or the over-weight gentleman who gets all the credit and the glory for getting our kids all the good shit on Christmas Day.

So they go see Santa, or Satan...However you look at it...Ok when I see "we" I mean Mr Shaky did..

I did not partake in this years event. No other reason then I did not want to. Plain and simple.

But now that my Boo Bee has went to see him, I have all sorts of power over her. All I have to do is tell her " if u don't eat your dinner, momma is gonna call Santa and tell him your a bad girl and that he does not need to bring u anything"

then she screams.

its really a good plan. Before when I would use the Santa threat, it kinda went over her head, but now that she has seen him, in the flesh, it all works and makes sense to her now. And this is good for many reasons. I know she is only 3, and a retard,but hell, it is so much fun.

I told her last night that Santa is watching, so she better be a good girl, or he wont bring her any presents. Then she asked me what window he looks in. I told her all of them. So she went from window to window looking for him, so he could see she was being good.

I told her he was invisible. She is a retard so she had no idea what that meant. I told her he is magical. She asked if he had wand.

Why do kids make it so difficult to lie to them? Since when did kids become smart asses at 3?

She then took the phone and told me SHE was calling Santa on ME. I told her she did not have his number. She then got out the phone book.

When I questioned her about what she was telling on me for, she said it was a "secwet"

Oh, its a secret huh? Well Santa does not like it when people tell him other peoples secrets..cuz that means your a bad girl and Santa knows he cant trust u anymore..So u go ahead and call him.

she looks puzzled.

I again am in the lead. She will not call Santa on me. She can not use my one and only power.

so she tells me she is going to tell God. She is going to tell God that I am going to tell Santa on her.

I told her " you go right ahead. I don't think God and Santa are friends"

Then she said that God was her frwend and that God makes her smart and cute. And God loves her.

I told her that God can also see when your a bad girl. So she tells me that she is not a bad girl cuz God says so.

Shit...If God is talking to her, I best be on my best behavior, cuz holy shit, I do plan on dying one day, and when me and God meet, I don't want him telling me I was mean to my Boo.

This girl has God on her side, and I, have Santa. Things are not looking good for me.

How did I become a loser in the battle between mom, God and Santa? God is always gonna win. That's the way it goes. Santa gets an unfair count against him. Santa has no power. Santa does not ultimately decide your fate. All Santa does is break into houses, steal cookies and a drink, and litter your house with wrappings that will later be so piled high u wont be able to walk thru your living room. He works once a year, bringing false hope to moms like me. Moms like me need the power of Santa to keep ingrate kids in line. The power of Santa use to be a brighter star in our solar system. But hell, look what they did to Pluto, kicked his ass right out of there.

I am not sure what to make of this whole mess.

Boo thinks that just because she sat on the fat mans lap that she has some sort of pull with him. Like she has met some kind of celebrity.

I hate Santa.

Now she is throwing God in my face, "her and God are friends, and I got no friends, and my life sucks ass, and Santa isn't gonna get my sinning soul to heaven and I will be the one looking a fool when I am concentrating on Santa when she is friends with The Big Guy,,"..blah blah blah

This is why I shoulda just had a gold fish bowl. I shoulda been a fish breeder instead of a human breeder. Wanna know why? Cuz I suck ass at being a mom. Instead of telling my kids to be good because they need to impress God and Jesus, I am telling them they need to impress Santa, the Easter bunny and the tooth fairy.

I prefer it this way.

I will be glad when this damn holiday is over. I can not believe the mess we have made of Christmas.To save me some money, I should only buy Jesus a present. I mean, why am I buying shit for other people, when they have nothing to do with the reason we buy stuff. What do my kids getting the "it" toys have to do with Christmas? What does me spending about 1500 on gifts for my kids have to do with Jesus? Someone tell me.

I coulda bought myself something mighty good with all the money I have spent. I like stuff. I like stuff when its mine best of all.

I hate Christmas.

And what does an ugly ass tree in my house dropping needles onto my floor and needing constant water have to do with Jesus?

What does Christmas lights on the outside of my house running up my bill and somehow causing the Earth to implode on itself in one million years have to do with Jesus?

Man, Mick Jagger is one ugly son of a bitch aint he?

sorry I got side tracked...I am watching vh-1 classic...Man, he is a dog...A woofer..

ok, moving on..

Anyway, I forget what my whole point was...

doesn't even really matter, as it had nothing really to do with Jesus I am assuming.

On a side note, this week at blondies school is the holiday party I am in charge of. I have not got a note from the teacher as to what my roll is going to be in said party. Do I bring the cookies, the Jack and coke? I don't know...

I am still kicking myself in the ass for not reading the fine print before singing up for a damn party.

If I would of taken the 5 seconds it would of taken me to read it, I woulda seen that the first person who signs up for the holiday is " the blum faced sucker who is in charge of the whole golldarn shindig"....And I hate shindigs.

I swear I am never signing myself for anything anymore unless its some sort of 12 step program..

on anything.

I am assuming I can fall into the category of nearly any 12 step program.

all that glitters is gold, and she is buying a stair way to heaven

there is s sign on the wall and she wants to be sure because you know that sometimes words have no meaning..

I need to stop watching vh-1 while typing..

but what the hell does this song mean anyway?

I think these boys were high when they wrote most of their crap.

Ok, this post is going no where real fast. Kinda like my career and my life.

On the bright side, Mr Shaky told me we are moving to Columbia ,South Carolina.

whats there you ask?....Its a big fat secret I guess...No snow, that's about all I can tell you for damn sure. That's A-OK in my book.

And just for the record, no I am not drunk or high, but thanks for asking.

Bee Real


Brandy said...

You know I have to agree with you on alot of this shit. I could have bought me some wonderful stuff with the money that I have spent on my teens who dont listen and dont believe in Santa anymore, so this dont work on them. Its almost over for ya! 8 more days.

You are moving to South Carolina?? Kewl Beans! if you are!! and when???

Well I hope you have a great and restful Sunday!!

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

I am glad someone can see the light here...why do we do it?..I dont get it.

moving to SC within about 10-12 months time..we HAVE to stay here until at least october, as that is how long mr shaky signed a deal with his oct our three years is up and we can move withouth owing his compnay hopfully by next winter we can be outtahere..we plan on putting our house for sale in sept..wanna buy it?


Badoozie said...

i on the other hand, vote that you are most definetly drunk AND high, because this post has not even technically happened yet according to the date method...and the font changed colors half way through...welll.....maybe I"M drunk and high....well if i AM drunk and high i should get off this computer and enjoy this feeling?

Neurotic1 said...

So much for the holidays here. We had our Christmas on Saturday because we are flying out Thursday. 15 minutes and all the anticipation is gone. I now have a new big batch of crap to pick up every night! Hooray on the move. Welcome to the South. Before long you will be sayin' things like y'all and fixin'. Columbia is a nice area! Btw, it is 75 degrees here today! Probably will start to snow the minute I get off the plane on Thursday!

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

well if the font and color changed, u must go and enjoy your feeling sweety..and it says monday cuz, this is for monday..consider it an early chirstmas gift.

man, so that means no blogging after thursday?..wiat, that cant be right..u cant leave me..

how far are u from columbia?..i know ur in NC, but how far is it from you?

well, did u get anything good anyway?

just_tammy said...

Bossy's trying to make us all think we're trippin what with the color changes and throwing in song lyrics which were definitely drug induced. One would have to be totally high to think Mick Jagger was a cutie. He's frightening.

So you and Boo are friends with some pretty important men! You know there used to be a time when the Santa thing worked just fine. The kid just snapped to. Boo proves times have definitely changed.

My 'babies' saw Santa Friday night and I have the pictures to prove it. I still have the power!!! Fine, I guilted them into it.

I know for a fact I shouldn't have spent so much and I'm not feeling the whole Christmas spirit at the moment. Most people I know aren't. Most of us are incredibly cranky. We all need naps!

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

yup I have the pics tp prove it too..but i would much rather see yours.

what I think stinks, is I prolly wont get one damn gift to open on Christmas...I spend on everyone, but noone spends on me..see me crying? shaky and I dont normally buy for eachother, only cuz he cant pick anything out that I like..and I would rather just do it myself.

but we will see i guess, he did do pretty good last year, only she died and I cant find her replacement.

Aunt Frankie said...

Don't worry, after they know it is you buying the presents they shape up near Christmas again. You won't need Santa !
At least you gave me a laugh today, I needed it.

Kelly said...

Wow, and I thought I was scatter brained today...LOL!

Peg said...

sweetness, there is snow in south carolina ...just not as much...

Santa sucks ass this year. I hate being a freaking adult. I want to be 10 and live at my moms and wait for the good shit to magically appear under the christmas tree over night.

Friday's bad mood became Sunday's bad attitude too.

js said...

cool about the move
that climate isn't hotter that a half f**(%# ho in a pecker patch but is mo betta than where you live now.
maybe u'll like it.
I'm against Christmas too just for the record.
But I'm not against fat men, fat men are ok with me, I am one so its all good there.
anyway, hope boo doesn't taint your visit with God to bad

vani said...

i was guessing at least high, that's how i get

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

I dont think any of you acctually read the whole thing..and I cant say I blame you..I suck ass right now and I know it..

I promise better matareil at some later junction..cant garuentee when..I use all my goos shit in other areas i guess..

but I swear I was not wasted, at least not that I can recall.

keesh said...

I am loving your positive attitude for the holiday season there bossy :). I hope you have a merry Christmas even if you do hate it this year :)

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

thank you Kish..I always try to look at the bright side:)

Ju said...

All I have to say is LOL. Your stories are too funny.

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

well at least someone gets some enjoyment outta it:)

Choppzs said...

Wow, sounds like you just need to go and let out some of your frustrations on that there smelly, old, nasty man that calls himself Santa at the mall. Is there a way I can buy tickets to see it?

LZ Blogger said...

Some mom's start using that "SANTA'S WATCHING YOU" thing in Janurary... so it can have an upside. As for Santa's breath and B.O. you can blame on Santa's having to sit still with kids on his lap, when he's got his BIG DAY (or night) coming soon! The LOOK on the kids faces on Christmas morning is what really matters... (no matter who gets the credit!) But really... I just came by and wanted to wish you and your family a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS! ~ jb///

mike said... crack me up!

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

the ticketsa re kinda pricey:)

Lazy Bloger,
u have a merry chirstmas too my friend,


u just think I am wasted thats all.

Kendra Lynn said...

Merry Christmas. Wow...I gotta admit that this post was very hard for me to follow. Maybe I'm just too tired to read.
Hope you have a great evening...and that you don't move too far away.


Bossy♥'s YOU said...

trust me, it is hard to follow, I wrote it about 2 am on no sleep the other night...and my mind was on over load:)

dakotablueeyes said...

So busy this year we haven't been to see the old fat man. I'm not sure if we even will. Be the first year since the kids came alone that we havent.

The Kept Woman said...

Good luck...for what it's worth I think that Santa and God are friends so you might have a way in after all.