who let the dogs out

I am the sorta gal whom cooks a nice meal every night...

ok, not every night, sometimes it does suck and I'm willing to admit this.

I don't enjoy cooking at all, but if I don't, those poor tots would go to school telling all their pals on the playground that the only time they eat a meal is at school..

And they don't even eat hot lunch at school cause holy shit, I also pack their damn lunches everyday, cause well, thats what good moms do..

Anyway, back to my story....

I got chicken out the other night to make well, chicken..

I thawed the breasts out..

ok u pervs, i said breast, go ahead and make your boob jokes now..

At this point is when I think I may or may not of poisoned us all..

Ya see, while at The Boys football practise that very night, I got a feeling in my stomach that was not good.

I just wanted to rip off my trousers and run...dig a hole and then bury it like a kitten..

I honestly felt like my intestines were going to protrude out my anus...and that is not a good feeling.

I get home and I start undoing my shorts even b4 I get in the house...I walk in the door and run like hell to the bathroom.

I get there to find Boo sitting on the crapper with her intestines protruding out her anus too.

Now I have 3 bathrooms, so i run to the other one..

BAM, Blondie is in it.....I guess her anus is suffering as well..

So I go to bathroom three...

Its empty...thank you my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ...

I sit down, and all hell breaks loose outta my bottom end..

Then I realize I have no toilet paper..

I'm in the basement yelling..

hey, someone, anyone, I need some TP for my bunghole...anyone?

No one heeds to my calls...

I sit there for about ten minutes wondering how I'm going to get outta this situation.

My dog comes running to my aide.

I think to myself..

self, u have watched Lassie, Lassie can do shit, I bet Lassie could get u some TP...

So I tell my dog to go get daddy...

She just lays there...

I then throw the empty roll of tp at her and tell her go get me some toilet paper or I'm gonna kick her.

Now what I am about to tell you is going to make some of you believers, and some of you are going to think I'm talkin outta my ass..

My dog walked into the laundry room and brought me a roll of my finest Charmin.

I.Kid.You.Not.

I am thinking of doing a re-enactment and sending to the most amazing pets..

Sure some dogs can call 911, but how many dogs can go retrieve the Charmin?

not many....