Sunday, September 21, 2008

somebody's watching me

I know this GUY....and he worked for the government for many many years. And the fact that I'm telling you this means they will not only kill me, but also kill you for reading it..so Godspeed.

Anyway, he was telling me how the government records 4 out of every 5 phone calls made from land lines in this country..

And they recorded nearly every cell phone call made...

This made me nearly poo in my pants because if anyone ever listened to half the conversations I carry on the phone, it would be pretty fuckin comical.

Here is a snippet from my last call to my granny..

whatcha doing?

oh, just trying to figure out my new blood sugar meter, when you got the diabetes you gotta keep track of that kinda shit..

ok, granny doesn't use the word shit or talk like that period...just wanted to spice it up a bit..

oh, that sounds pretty boring...

yup, hows the weather there?

oh, its been very hot, the leaves are not even changing yet?

Let me go look at my thermometer on the porch and see what the temp is here, gosh its only 63, but its in the shade so it might be 65...

well granny I better go the kids will be home soon..


see, if this is the kinda shit they are listening too, I kinda feel bad for them. Who wants to eavesdrop on a phone call and here about diabetic testing supplies or what the weather is like in Sandtown Michigan?

So I have been trying to make my calls on my home phone a little more interesting..

I don't get many calls on my land line, the kids do...and those outta be interesting..

here is a snippet from Blondie talking..

hi blondie, do u wanna come over and play?

No.

Why not?

Because I don't really like playing with you very much.

my kid gets right to the point, I'm sure the government appreciates that in a 8 year old gal...she doesn't pussy foot around..

So I have devised my own language. I made it up myself...

I am sure all of you know how to speak Pig Latin, and if u don't, thats just wrong..

I'm sure all the high ranking government officials know Pig Latin, so its a moot point to try and pull one over on them with that.

So Pale Girl and I have made up a laungue, and we are going to use it soon...

We need to work out all the kinks, its still in the trial process..

We figure if we use it enough, we should have some sort of secret Service agent at our door within weeks.

Then when they come and question us in a padded cell with snipers aiming at us, demanding us to translate what we are saying...I am going to tell them to mind their own beeswax cause I sure as shit didn't call them...and that's what you fuckers get for eavesdropping...

My next idea was to pretend I had a phone sex line...That would put a knot in their knickers thinking im getting paid to give this phone sex, and yet was not paying taxes on my revenue...

I think they would enjoy that though..I mean its got to be hell sitting in a room all day listening to conversations about diabetic supplies, cheating spouses, recipe exchanges, tweens talking to their pals for endless hours at a time about how dreamy the new kid is.

You have to feel for them in that respect.

My phone sex line will be for their benefit...

It will be as if I am performing a community service for them...

I'm all about doing my part...I try to help out where I can...

Hell, I don't mind getting my hands dirty in the volunteering community. Hell, there may come a time when I need help and need a hand out of some kind..

I have always liked giving back...

Hell I have adopted pets outta the pound and human society before...

I have donated canned goods to food pantry uptown before..

I have even paid to have a stray cat fixed when it kept breeding and having kittens in my backyard ,back in Michigan..

It wasn't my cat...but damnit, she would find her way to my shed and use it as a free birthing center about twice a year...

So I set a trap, caught her and gave her some permanent birth control.

The bitch never even thanked me.

But sometimes when you do a good deed, you don't get recognition for it, thats just the roll of the dice...

With my phone sex line though, just knowing the guys in suits are getting pleasure is enough thanks for me...

When they want to start coming in on their days off, just to do their part in keeping them damn terroristoff all Americans land lines...he is just doing it for the good of the nation, and I know that..

So thats why I'm going to make his stay trapped in a dark room with thousands of calls going on at a time a little more enjoyable..

I'm all about helping out..

But the fact they found this post and got my IP address now, and now know my name and phone number and the last time I had my period it is gonna put a big damper on my ideas. I think I have just foiled my own plans..

But I might just do the phone sex just for the hell of it...

I know plenty of folks who would appreciate that...

And like I said, I'm just here working for the good of the people..

I'm a people pleaser...

32 comments:

Southern Sage said...

no wonder the deficit is rising!! if those cats are listening to my cell fone convos then their are huge amounts of lotion being sold thats for sure!
I imagine those g-chicks are running thru batteries at a rapid pace also
sheeeeeeeeesh

I'm taking the 5th on follow up questions!

Flip Flop Momma said...

Sage,
i hope your happy, your contriubting to it all..

i suspect u took m phone sex idea and used it long ago...right;)

Cat said...

They need to tap into Scrag's phone convo with the MIL!! That's enough to send the best of the best to sleep! Shit I'll even send you a recording if you can't sleep at night.

Your bloody hysterical btw and I love you for it.

Kisses xx

Southern Sage said...

well I don't charge I'm just spreading love and goodness thru the power of O!

Flip Flop Momma said...

Cat,
same with my hubs and his mom..she called twice yesterday just to hear his voice..

yeah, I know..

Sage,
well dang, your sittin on a goldmine....start charging...

Greeneyes said...

You crack me up , thanks for the laughs ! I can picture all the men in blue suits sitting in vans around your house waiting for your next phone call in anticipation !!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
your so funny !!!!!

IamDerby said...

You crack me up! I neutered four damn cats, spayed another, and got one a cat abortion. And none... not one!.. thanked me.

Flip Flop Momma said...

Green Eyes,
I know...I can picutre the van parked down my street..hehe..thanks girl;)

Derby,
Those damn cats dont give a rats ass what we do 4 them..

DFTF said...

How in the hell would they know I'm reading your blog.

Oh crap. I just left a comment.

That's probably a clue, huh?

;-)

Flip Flop Momma said...

dftf,
they can track all the IP addresses from any website vistited..sneaky little fuckers they are...

Southern Sage said...

No sunshine........ you my dear sit on the gold mine!

Flip Flop Momma said...

SS,
well, I think im gonna feel dirty charging...should I feel dirty?

Haphazardkat said...

I work for the government. I'll be on the ear-out for the hidden language of the Pale One.

*z snaps*

Flip Flop Momma said...

Kat,
If your comment gets deleted, it aint me...its your cohorts..haha

Sarah said...

I don't have a land line! HA! Suck it Gov't! Oops. I probably just bought my way into a padded cell next to you.

Thanks for taking us all down with you, by the way. :-)

Flip Flop Momma said...

Sarah,
well the record ALL cell calls, didnt u read that part?..hahahahahaha


i will make room 4 u though, dont worry.

~Jobthingy~ said...

ha ha! the suits are going to start stalking you.. seeing if you can get on the phone before they have to get home to their wives

Fantastagirl said...

I'm thinking that have to be bored out of their minds - our calls go like this:

FG: What do you want for supper?
Mr I: How about pizza?
FG: nah, how about pasta?
Mr I: How about pizza?
FG: nah, how about grilling something?
Mr. I: Okay steaks.
FG: so you want pizza?

Yep... we lead exciting lives. Occasionally I let the kids talk to their grandparents, which has to be just as thrilling:

Tink: Grandma, I can read - wanna me to read you a story?

Grandma: sure

Tink: Starts reading her Henry and Mudge book.

Yep, a thrill a minute.

Flip Flop Momma said...

jobthingy,
i dont mind as long as they are good looking with nice teeth and buly arms..stalk away baby..

fantstagirl,
I know...thats how ours go too...they must be damn bored i tell u what..

The Doozie said...

There is such a thing as cat abortions? I'm afeared...that is weird.

Yeah, I'm sure the FBI has enough people employed to listen into all of the conversations..........................................................................

Bella said...

My BFF & I were talking about this the other day - whomever listens in on our phone calls surely gets dumber by the minute.

Flip Flop Momma said...

oose,
u mean u never got your cat an adortion...as if

Bella,
I know, they prolly think we are all a bunch of boobs...

just_tammy said...

We all know your phone conversations are few and far between so you're probably safe from the suits.

FFM, you are always the humanitarian! Or was it because you were tired of having an animal hospital in your shed?!

Flip Flop Momma said...

Tam,
but im screwed if they look thru texts;)

catscratch said...

You should recruit phone sex operators and make some money on the side for all your efforts, girlie!

Greg C said...

"I'm a people pleaser" Well at least the phone sex clients think so. LOL I do know for a fact that people listen in on cell phones. Once I was out shrimping and someone called to ask how I was doing. I told them I had twice the limit and was stuffing shrimp all over the boat. When I got to the boat landing, there were wildlife officers there who searched my boat. Fortunatly for me I didn't have too much and after a while they gave up. Later a friend of mine who works for that department told me that they intercepted my phone call and went to the closest boat landing to the cell tower. Oops.

So do you want my cell phone number? The chances of getting caught again is pretty slim, lol.

Monogram Queen said...

The gubment don't skeer me!!!

Flip Flop Momma said...

Diva,
I really should...I could use the drug money;)

Greg,
wow, thats pretty scary huh?...yeah we should exchange numbers and really give em something to talk about.)

Patti,
me neeber;)

Rachel said...

I can't imagine having to listen to all those boring calls. They probably move on to the next one real quick when they get the boring ones!

Now when you start your sex line that'll (is that a word?) wake them up real quick!!

Flip Flop Momma said...

Rachel,
im hoping I can provide them with enough quality entertainment to get them thru a shift;)

Southern Sage said...

get the money baby!
always get the money
the dirt washes off........

Flip Flop Momma said...

SS,
amen....