Sunday, September 14, 2008

Wake me up b4 u go go

When it comes to good dental hygiene, I am the first to admit that if your missing a tooth, I will make jokes about you in my head...to myself...



I think that God gave you the gift of enamel and if you don't take care of it, your a douche bag...A big toothless douche bag..



I take pride in the fact my tots have not yet had any cavities...I am what you may call the tooth Nazi in my house. When I know my tots have brushed, I make them go and RE brush...just in case they missed something.



I myself brush mine at least 4 times per day....on average. Some days, it tis more..I admit it.



I don't like the feel of a dirty mouth, I like to have a mouth that is ready to be, um, tongued at any moment..



Nothing takes the crisp, tender moment of a good tonguing then breath that smells like sewer rats.



Thats not cool...Not on any level..



I do however have one weakness in the dental hygiene field...Its not something I am proud of, and the first step in taking care of an issue, is admitting you have one..



I hate to floss. I have a good excuse. I like to dig in there and get every crevice totally bloody and raw. I will literally floss until its bleeding, because I'm sure I left something behind..Ya no, maybe a piece of corn. Corn can be sneaky fuckers. It hides there in the crevice between each tooth. Just waiting to rot and turn into a bloody cavity.



So a couple years ago, I vowed to stop flossing. I couldn't take the torture.



I now have a schedule. I floss on odd days, on the odd weeks..



SHUT UP, its my schedule..



have you ever noticed that when you floss your teeth after you have not done it for a while it kinda smells like rotting flesh?



Try it...don't floss for week, then have at it...the smell on your floss will reek havoc on your internal smelling system...and you may or maynot vomit in your mouth..



It smells like decaying flesh with bits of sardine urine mixed in for good measure.



I am not advocating that you stop flossing all together, because hell, that aint good for the country, the world, or hell your spouse.



All I am saying is skip a couple days, then floss and smell it...You wont even need to put your nose to the floss, the smell will linger that way all on its own..You will at first wonder if your dog farted..



Then you will realize you don't even have a dog..



I'm just sayin..



~



There is a commercial I see daily that bugs the shit outta me..



Its a commercial about getting kids to get up and play...an hour a day..



In this ad it tells you to go to a website to get ideas on activities to do outside..but it also says..but don't stay too long...



What happen to the days when kids didn't need the Internet to get ideas on how to play outside?



When I was a kid, there was no Internet.. i know...and we had no VCR's either..bitches..damn





I did not need any ideas on games to play. Want to know why? Because I'm not a retard. Never was...



I knew when I went outside I was either going to ride my bike, play freeze tag, statues, red rover, or climb a fuckin tree..



Chase boys, walk to the park, go find a kid and kick their ass, walk to the party store and get one of the hush puppie slushies, go swimming in my pool, make whoppie in said pool..ok, i don't recommend that one for everyone...., sneak outta the house at midnight and WALK to my boyfriends house and make whoppie,again, your gonna want to customize your list...this isn't fit for everyone..



My point is, don't make kids seem stupid. A kid is born with the genes to play. Its embedded in them like chasing skirt is embedded into most men..or like finding men with nice teeth and good jobs is embedded in us females..its human nature.



When a baby is born, they are born with the ability to suck..Wanna know why?..its a survival instinct.



Same goes when they get older. When a baby learns to walk, it knows where all the fun shit is that he is not suppose to touch...



thats their first run in with playing...its a game..They touch it, mom moves it, the baby finds another way to get to it, and this time knocks it down and breaks it.



Baby gets a good laugh then poops himself and goes to sleep.



Ya see, kids know what to do..



and if a parent needs to go online to get ideas for shit to have the tots do outside, then my Lord above, you need a good ass kicking..



Give them a ball..EVER hear of a ball?



Golldang it...



You give kids a ball and they will play for weeks.



I just can not stand hearing commercails to try and entice your tots to play outside.



It just puts me in a bad mood.



No wonder there are so many fat kids...if they don't know how to play outside, what do u expect?



My kids look like underfed third world children compared to their friends...Wanna know why?



Because I don't allow them to sit in front of the tv and eat..



And they don't want to..my kids KNOW what to do when I send them outside.



They sit on the porch and whine about it being too hot outside..how bored they are, how they have no one to play with..



So I send them inside to go on the Internet to find something fun to do outside..



because I'm just tapped...

37 comments:

The Doozie said...

FIRST

The Doozie said...

Ok, now for the real comment. I don't floss very much so that means I have a dirty whorish mouth. And I know what you mean about the smell. I have to scrub my hands with lava soap afterward.

That internet idea thing just goes along with the general theme of our modern day society. People wouldn't wipe their asses if they didn't have toilet paper commercials to inform them of the availability of that item. People are dumb on the whole, and if you ever want proof of that, work for 911.

ok, moving on. My Walter has never had a cavity. And he is a poor toothbrusher. I attribute it to the good start he had in life with my homemade organic baby food and no soda. He does NOT drink soda. And he was 3 before a piece of candy graced his lips. I on the other hand? I have a mouth full of fillings, with more on the way, and I brush regularly. Life is really not fair.

Southern Sage said...

well I might floss 15 times a day!
Its like some damn addiction!
I dunno

I thought the exact same thing about the dumb assed commercial!!!

The best commercial though is the baby buying stock
that shit cracks me up!

Mrs. K said...

Ok I have one of those electric toothbrushes that have the plastic bristles that I get under those teeth and sometimes I do it so hard I bleed. I can't stand ugly teeth either- and I am missing a molar. In the back. And I'm not going to tell you why.

As far as playing- I agree- I can't stand it when my kid watches tv (but hell I love to watch all the junkie shows)- anyways if she can't figure out what to do I send her to water my plants and pick weeds- I save a ton of money on gardeners.

and we're always playing catch- in the house, outside, we like to see who drops it first. I always win

just_tammy said...

You know how I feel about brushing and flossing - DO IT!

As for the stupid commercial - it is a stupid commercial. It's the rocket surgeons who need the ideas on the web site. Most kids know how to play. It's their parents who get in the way.

What else can we pick apart?! I'm ready!

Flip Flop Momma said...

Dooze,
wow, walter does not drink soda?..what kinda freak r we dealing with here?

Sage,
yup, that one cracks my shit up too..

Mrs K,
well now u HAVE to tell me why..

Tam,
I will let u pick the next victim we pick apart, thats how I roll.

Gette said...

What is this "outside" of which you speak?

David said...

In general, I'm not a fan of the floss thing but I must say that the plastic sticks that hold the floss has improved things for me.

Now, here is my big secret tip for you: Ever since I started using my oral b sonic tooth brush, my dentist has never once had any occasion to raise the ugliness of the "are you flossing" discussion. It is like a miracle.

Flip Flop Momma said...

Gette,
its a scary place...dont ask anymore questions.

David,
I have seen thosefloss pick things..very intriging they are..

I need an oral B sonic care..I mean I really do...I would love that shit man!

Mrs. K said...

ok i didn't post a before pic- the pic of me looking like a dog was last week. this week was the new pic

Scarlet said...

I am just like you when it comes to flossing...every couple of days. Daily brings on the blood; I totally understand what you're saying here.

I love this whole whoopie thing you have going on in all your posts now. Did I start you on that with my Newlywed Game post? Humor me and say I did. ;)

Flip Flop Momma said...

Mrs K,
u, looking like a dog...I think not..

Scarlet,
um...I have been saying it for years, but I am more then willing to give u credit...

:)

thats how I roll..

Monogram Queen said...

We try to play outside with Maddie as much as possible.. I think boys tend to be worse about staying inside and gaming (at least our friends who have boys)

KGrams said...

I'm hearing ya on the brushing and flossing. I've got a brush, paste and floss at the office. Can't stand to eat lunch and then have skank mouth.

Is there a way we can politely tell people with skank mouth that they have it and provide them with a toothbrush and floss? After all, I wouldn't wanna offend anyone the way they offend me when they open their mouth. lol

I'm with ya on the commercial too! It was amazing to me that the kids couldn't function the past few weeks when the power was out. Heaven forbid they couldn't watch cable, DVD's, play on the computer or charge their Ipods and Cell Phones.

Choppzs said...

I hate flossing. Don't do it, probably never will!

And kids and playing.....my kids have 3 fricken acres to play on now. And they still complain of boredom. Granted it's mostly sand, and only a few trees, but by golly it's plenty of fricken running space. So now I tell them go play in the street. lol Luckily it's a dead end dirt road so there's no traffic!

Flip Flop Momma said...

Patti,
no doubt, boys like their electronics:)

Kgrams,
ames sista...I think we must have been seprated at birth, where u been all my life?...right on..

Flip Flop Momma said...

Choppzs,
well if its sand, they have no excuses, get a bucket, a shovel and make some damn sand casltes..haha

DFTF said...

I make a point of never smelling the floss after it's used. No. Won't do it.

I'm missing a tooth. I have since I was a little girl. I guess they didn't do root canals on kids back then or something. I dunno. They pulled my damn tooth and it's gone. I have all my wisdom teeth, though. So, I figure compared to most people I'm still ahead. ;-)

Flip Flop Momma said...

tftf,
well when i floss, u dont need to smell it, the smell is just there..nuttin u can do..

My Blondie is missing teeth, she had some pulled because there was no room 4 her new ones that were coming in..she has teeth missing she wont see till she is 13..

I had a tooth knocked out when I was a kid...but it was rebuilt with cement..and the fucker is still holding belive it or not..

So Not The Bradys said...

I am missing a six year old molar. I'll tell you who I blame - the Army. I told them it hurt, and they told me nothing was wrong with it. Yeah, like I loved going to the Army dentist enough to make it up. Anyway, when my husband got out of the Army, and I saw my dentist back home, it was either get a root canal or get the bitch pulled.

I heard the only thing that hurt worse than a root canal was giving birth. I'd done that twice, and that was suffice for me to say pull the bastard.

I'll tell ya, though, the pain after having the tooth pulled was worse than any pain I had giving birth because it was constant, unrelenting pain. That was the only time I had to have someone watch my kids because I was too incapicitated to keep an eye on them.

~Deb said...

Rotting flesh smell.

Mmmm.


Ok, although this post highly disturbed me, (ha), I will say one thing: if you don't floss regularly, you will end up having tons of plaque which can lead to heart disease if you don't keep up with the maintaining of the minimal amounts of it.

Your teeth may look white, perfect and gorgeous, but you really really really MUST floss and get under the gums with your brush.

I can't emphasize this enough. Plaque can build up in your arteries through bad dental hygiene, which not flossing is...

FLOSS!

*throws you my G string*

(hehe)

Also, eating apples helps a lot too!

Flip Flop Momma said...

Not the Bradys,
yeah I had all 4 of mine pulled while I was in highschool, well acctually not pulled, but cut out,,the bitches never even ahd a chance to see daylight..

I never wanna experince a root canal...or birth again..haha

Deb,
Well I do floss still, just not daily...I cant, because I tend to over do it and then my mouth is damn sore..

I just do it every other day, every other week..I cant do it anymore then that or my mouth is a bleeding sess pool cause I will floss till the bitches bleed and I nearly dig my teeth out of the sockets..

its not good..not good at all..

Rachel said...

I am a flosser. Every day and sometimes more. I keep floss in my purse, in the bedside table, and in the bathroom. I am prepared!

I have never seen that commercial but I don't blame you for getting ticked off at it. When I was a kid we ran, we climbed, we just had fun with what nature provided!!

Flip Flop Momma said...

Rachel,
yeah I am a flosser too, an like u, use to carry it with me like it was my wallet..

but it got to me..I kept doing it, and doing it.

it was like crack..

and crack kills;)

Haphazardkat said...

My kids always outside bug huntin.
Its gotten so bad that when the door opens I hear the sound of a billion grasshopper screams.

We were always outside as kids too. Who the heck wanted to be inside with the psycho EWO???

Flip Flop Momma said...

Kat,
my bondie loves to bug and critter hunt, right now we are focusing on the crickets...

when I say we, I mean her..

cathouse teri said...

Actually, I don't think they are making kids SEEM stupid, they are making them BECOME stupid.

Ugh.

Flip Flop Momma said...

Teri,
Yup, I totally agree girl, totally!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Egel Nest said...

Girl...you are plum crazy...

With your decaying flesh floss stories....hahahaha

The funny thing is..you are not joking...

I loved the line about always ready to be tongued...you have such a way with words sis :)


Bradley
The Egel Nest

Cat said...

OK I was in a pissed off bad mood and then I read your funny shit. You do make me laugh......

Hugs xx

catscratch said...

You couldn't find us kids until dark. We were always out playin, riding bikes, sneaking onto the nude beach to look, building a tree house.

Kids today ain't given the chance to do shit outside. The internetz and TV are better babysitters.

Flip Flop Momma said...

Bro,
well its true, u cant be expectin to get tounged if u have moneky breaht..even ask ma, she will tell u;)

Kat,
i sure do miss your cotton socks..

Flip Flop Momma said...

Diva.
holy shit...amen sista...

Jeff said...

I think a major contributor to overweight kids is allowing them to have open access to pop/soda/sugar drink stuff. I personally know several families with heavy kids and EVERY time I see them they are sucking down a can of Mountain Dew or some other sugar-based crap. Of course the same thing goes for all the other junk food crap kids have access to as well. Bottom line, I think parents are more responsible for overweight kids than the kids are. Of course they'll eat whatever tastes the best to them, no matter how unhealthy it is. Duh. So then don't have it available. Is it really that hard to do?

Humincat said...

I was just thinking the other day the no matter how often or how "Good" I floss, it still stinks like something died in my mouth. I only floss a couple times a week now, due to pain/stench. Must be why I have so many fillings....that, or the three Dr.Pepper's a day.

cathouse teri said...

You sure get a lot of "cats" around here!

Meow. :)

Flip Flop Momma said...

jeff,
i could not agree more...but they also dont play outside...i never see the kids in the hood out doors, other then mine and i frankly i shove them outside so i dont kill them;)

humincat,
nope, its not the dr pepper...dont be blaming the soda;)

Teri,
should i change my litter box?