Thursday, September 18, 2008

who let the dogs out

I am the sorta gal whom cooks a nice meal every night...

ok, not every night, sometimes it does suck and I'm willing to admit this.

I don't enjoy cooking at all, but if I don't, those poor tots would go to school telling all their pals on the playground that the only time they eat a meal is at school..

And they don't even eat hot lunch at school cause holy shit, I also pack their damn lunches everyday, cause well, thats what good moms do..

Anyway, back to my story....

I got chicken out the other night to make well, chicken..

I thawed the breasts out..

ok u pervs, i said breast, go ahead and make your boob jokes now..

At this point is when I think I may or may not of poisoned us all..

Ya see, while at The Boys football practise that very night, I got a feeling in my stomach that was not good.

I just wanted to rip off my trousers and run...dig a hole and then bury it like a kitten..

I honestly felt like my intestines were going to protrude out my anus...and that is not a good feeling.

I get home and I start undoing my shorts even b4 I get in the house...I walk in the door and run like hell to the bathroom.

I get there to find Boo sitting on the crapper with her intestines protruding out her anus too.

Now I have 3 bathrooms, so i run to the other one..

BAM, Blondie is in it.....I guess her anus is suffering as well..

So I go to bathroom three...

Its empty...thank you my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ...

I sit down, and all hell breaks loose outta my bottom end..

Then I realize I have no toilet paper..

I'm in the basement yelling..

hey, someone, anyone, I need some TP for my bunghole...anyone?

No one heeds to my calls...

I sit there for about ten minutes wondering how I'm going to get outta this situation.

My dog comes running to my aide.

I think to myself..

self, u have watched Lassie, Lassie can do shit, I bet Lassie could get u some TP...

So I tell my dog to go get daddy...

She just lays there...

I then throw the empty roll of tp at her and tell her go get me some toilet paper or I'm gonna kick her.

Now what I am about to tell you is going to make some of you believers, and some of you are going to think I'm talkin outta my ass..

My dog walked into the laundry room and brought me a roll of my finest Charmin.

I.Kid.You.Not.

I am thinking of doing a re-enactment and sending to the most amazing pets..

Sure some dogs can call 911, but how many dogs can go retrieve the Charmin?

not many....

45 comments:

Monogram Queen said...

Here I was getting all excited surely thinking you were gonna say you had to shit in the tub *snicker*
BUT I am NOT disappointed by your toilet paper getting pooch! Way to go girl!

and you treat her so-o-o-o bad!!!!

Oh and i'm FIRST bitches!!!

Flip Flop Momma said...

Patti,
My Gawd I do have standards, I could never shit where I bathe..hahahahahaha

Bradley's Mom said...

Are you SERIOUS? If your dog actually went and got the TP for you, she is one smart cookie! I can't believe that!!! Your should definitely enter her in some sort of smart pet contest!

Meanwhile, the rest of your story is NOT funny. When you have to go that badly, it is a very UNFUNNY thing. However, with your story-telling abilities, you somehow make it funny.

Good job! You made us all laugh once again!

xoxo

Janell said...

What a GOOD dog!

(Sorry to hear about the intestinal discomfort, though. I hope that's over with!)

Flip Flop Momma said...

Ma,
well she really isnt that smart..not normally..haha

janell,
well, she was good 4 the moment when i needed it anyway;)

Humincat said...

I ALMOST got my 21 month old to bring me some the other day, but then Barney came on TV and she left me hangin'.. well, not literally, but you know what I mean.

Flip Flop Momma said...

Humincat,
that damn Barney...I didnt even know that was still on anymore..

i mean it shouldnt anyway;)

~Jobthingy~ said...

heh.. you talked about chicken tits. heh heh

dude that dog is a freaking genius.

you need to toss an empty roll at her again and record it .. that shit will make you millions. ha.. shit..

whu?

Jeff said...

Good doggy!!!

This is hysterical. It reminds me of that bathroom scene in Dumb and Dumber where Jeff Daniels used that broken toilet.

Flip Flop Momma said...

Jobthingy,
im sure there is no way in hell she will ever repeat that...that was her shining moment....and its gone now..haha

Jeff,
I love that damn movie...

Lisa said...

Holy Crap! (Ha! Holy Crap, get it? I kill myself!)
You need to bring your doggie act to David Letterman!
She may think slippers are puppies, but that is one smart poochie!

Flip Flop Momma said...

Lisa,
trust me, this was a once in a lifetime achviement 4 this dog;)

Scarlet said...

LOL - You need to video tape this sort of thing!

1 plus twins said...

ok first of all only you havae the great shit stories. lol i really can't believe your dog did that, the same dog that thinks a glove is it's baby??? no way!

on another note please help me get rid of these sleezy girls hanging all over my baby!!!! lol you need to make a road trip out here!!

Flip Flop Momma said...

Scarlet,
well, i dont normally take the video camera in the shitter, but i might start keeping it in there..haha

1pt,
i just dont have another road trip in me....just go bust some knee caps, pull some braids, show them hussies who is boss..

IamDerby said...

I hate dogs... but that one... that dog is worth something

Flip Flop Momma said...

Derby,
u can have her....but u gotta come here and get her;)

catscratch said...

Oh, hell yah. A well trained pup indeed.

Amazing.

Flip Flop Momma said...

Diva,
indeed;)...but i never taught her a damn thing..its amazing alright!

Mrs. K said...

i need one of those- lately my cooking has me all sick.

CMB said...

What a great animal. Those are the worst situations and your Pup to the rescue! How cool it that?

Flip Flop Momma said...

Mrsk,
i advise u getting a stupid dog, because this dog IS stupid...and then your stupid dog will get u TP..trust me.

CMB,
thats 4 sure....i wont send her to the puppy mill this week!

Dame Wonder said...

LOL!! this story rocks! and patti's comment was hilarious! my dogs are fuckin useless! i ask for the remote, my cell phone, my glasses ... not one fuckin thing can they bring! hooray for your canine!

sweets said...

that's totally unreal!!! LOL... erm... so glad for you?

:)~

Meow (aka Connie) said...

OMG, what an amazing dog ...

But, hope you don't get in that sort of a situation again, and hope the tummy upset has cleared up without any messy accidents !!

Have a brilliant weekend.

Take care, Meow

Tom said...

Didn't you have a USA Today (or Hustler or Juggs like I like to keep) by the commode? It would do part of the job till you got to the bathroom supplies area of your home.
Quite a pooch!

Shannon said...

Woohoo, the dog finally earned her keep, lol.

Flip Flop Momma said...

Dame,
on a normal day my dog is pretty damn useless..trust me..im sure this will never happen again..

Sweets,
dont be a hater...my dog is just a wonder tp dog..hahahahahahahaha

Meow,
so far so good, my tummy has been ok since that fatefull day..haha

Tom,
nope.....I dont keep such reading material in the bathroom...I guess I should..

Shannon,
amen...4 the week anyway.

Gette said...

Good dog.

Flip Flop Momma said...

Gette,
yup..

Greg C said...

I thought you were going to say that you wiped your butt on the dog.

My dog did the same thing for me one time but when I went to wipe he said; "here let me do that for you" and he did. Ok I made that part up. Good story and did you notice that I didn't mention frozen breasts? Oops, I just did.

Flip Flop Momma said...

Greg,
see even when u tried your hardest u still had to talk about boobs..its in your genes..

DFTF said...

ROFL!!! You make protruding intestines so hilarious! Of course, poop gets me every time.

just_tammy said...

We even use the same tp! That's some tale or tail depending on which way you want to go. I love potty humor! Sorry that it's at your expense...

Cat said...

O.k. now that is some funny crap!! Hahaha crap!!

I need to meet this dog of yours!

Bless its cotton paws or shall I say charmin paws!!

Flip Flop Momma said...

tftf,
i knew u would get a chuckle outta no none sence potty humour;)

Tam,
Well I buy either Charmin or Quilted Northern...I have lots of both kinds...they keep my bum soft and clean.

JoJo,
you and your cotton paws..Gawd I love u.

Sarah said...

"I just wanted to rip off my trousers and run...dig a hole and then bury it like a kitten.."

HOLY HELL that's funny. I seriously...snorted a little.

Who knew that the dog that "loves" shoes would turn out to be wonder dog?!?!

Rachel said...

I knew I could come here and get a good laugh! Not that your intestines hanging out is funny...but you certainly tell it funny! How wonderful that you have 3 bathrooms! They sure came in handy that day!

Your dog is so smart and you treat it so bad! Poor sweet smart doggie!! It's amazing that she brought you toilet paper for your bunghole! Wonderful dog!

Flip Flop Momma said...

Sarah,
not sure if i would classify her as a wonder dog...she is still pretty retarded..

Rachel,
well im glad i could put a smile on your face...even if it put my bowels in harms way;)

Southern Sage said...

I hope your anus returns to its natural nothing protruding state.
I will put it on the prayer list Sunday down to da church house.

I think u made that up bout the dog!!

Flip Flop Momma said...

Sage,
u dont believe my dog ran and brought me a charmin?...

she acctually does it alot, only she chews it and gets it all over the house...

but this time, she knew i meant business...

acctually she does it alot..u throw her an empty roll and she brings a roll..

she is retarded that way..

Gette said...

Watch your mail...

Flip Flop Momma said...

Gette,
it aint a bomb is it?

Gette said...

no bomb, jus' a present...

Flip Flop Momma said...

4 me?

No...I cant accept gifts..

ok, i can...