Monday, September 08, 2008

Beast of Burden

Well my damn dog is still smothering her love all over my daughter's sandals..see..

She is just laying in her doggie bed, just glowing there with her new puppy..

You touch it, and she will bite your hand off...

U don't mess with her babies..

Thats how she rolls.


The other night I was lounging in my bathtub, cause well, I like to soak in steaming hot water surrounded by my own filth...

I heard my girls screaming bloody murder. Then I heard the word spider uttered.

Oh great I thought, they are becoming irrational when it comes to the arachnid. Poor damn things get no damn respect unless your spider man or some shit.

I hear the hubs take a shoe and smash it to smithereens.

I get out a while later and question about this so called spider.

Now don't get me wrong, spiders make me pee myself...I admit it..

Its the only kinda bug I cant kill on my own. I have to get a third party to do the killing. Almost like hiring a hit man..Only I don't pay 4 this service. Your reward is living here.

One day I went to take a bath and there was a big ass brown spider just lounging on the side of my tub. The first thing I do is holler 4 the boy...

Sometimes having a son comes in handy..

he gets a shoe and kills it, then proceeds to clean the remnents of the body outta the tub 4 me.

Why is it that we cant kill them?...We can have big clown shoes on, but yet wont step on them. Why is that?

We know damn well their legs aren't going to wrap around our shoes and somehow strangle us, or touch us, or bite us...we know this shit, yet we still cant step on them.

I don't see the logic in this. However I don't try and rectify or question it. I know its not very rational to be scared to step on one..I mean dude...its a little spider.

Now if I were to run into one of those tarantula's I saw at my aunts house inside MY house, I would call 911..because holy shit, thats an emergency if ever there was one.

The one I saw at my aunts was not scary. he was actually kinda cute...He was a baby..Now his momma mighta scared the shit outta me if I woulda saw her...

but this little guy was small...About the size of a pop can top...Ya no, the girth of a soda can...Not the length

So in spider sense, it was fucking huge, but in hairy scary tarantula-ness...not so big..

anyway, back to the spider that was here..

When I questioned hubs about it, he told me it was mother truckin huge..

He used his hands to show me how big it was.

I told the kids to pack their shit cause we were leaving..

Then it dawned on me....

could this be the bastard?

Mother hell...I bet it was..

How did the bastard make it down here with no one seeing him?

Did he ride down on my back, in my hair, in my shoe?

I was getting all creeped out..

I asked to see the body. I needed to look and see if this indeed was the bastard who had kept me up many a nights..

I had to identify the remains.

I looked at the bottom of dear hubs shoe, and indeed it was big...


it was not the bastard.

the bastard was hairy, had googly eyes, long fangs and was quick as shit..

I knew the bastard well enough to know he was quick enough not to be killed. He proved that to me time and time again...Cause he is there, then he is gone...just like a figment of your imagination...

I looked over this body, I cringed...and started packing. I told the occupants of this house that if this is something that was going to be a regular occurrence, I indeed would be moving out.

Then hubs says to me.

ya no, I bet the sonofabitch can in on your chili peppers...this is not a spider who lives here....u brought this bitch in...



I would not of had peppers in my car that were contaminated with such beasts..


Do these peppers look like they would harbor fugitives?

Or these ones?

And you cant hardly blame this little baby ones..

I think not people...

its plain discrimination to blame the peppers..and I wont stand 4 that how, no way...

The poor little Mexican man I bought these from on a road side in Hatch. New Mexico, would not sell me a bunch of Mexican spiders..

he just wouldn't do it..

We bonded...

THEN to make matters worse....the kids come home from a walk and start telling me how I brought back tarantula's from my trip...

I keep telling them..NO I did not...

Then hubs says..

well there was some questionable critter dried up and wrapped up in some sort of crap on the side of the road, and I am blaming you..


Did I bring home a species of spider and now I am going to single handedly destroy the free world?

Damn, what an honor.

So I had my son go take a pic of said creature...I wanted to see what we were dealing with..

It does not look like a hairy spider, but it is very questionable..



I mean seriously...

It kinda resembles a tarantula leg, I mean I do have first hand knowledge on what they look like..

but the rest of it is questionable...

I just hope it does not end up like the movie Arachnophobia...ya no where a tarantula makes it way here from another country and breeds with a domestic spider killing everyone in its path...

I don't need that shit on my conscience....

I mean I was happy with the bastard...he didn't bug me, I didn't bug him..

We sort of co-existed...

But now if I have his relatives reeking havoc around here, I may have to call the Orkin man.

Lets just hope he is better looking then John Goodman..

I need a drink.


DFTF said...

Ew, I have the shivers now and am feeling nauseous.

We don't kill them because we might miss and they might crawl up our arm or our leg and bite our jugular. Plus they make a sickening crunching sound when you flatten them. Blech.

metalmom said...

Ugh! First I passed at the thought of it riding downstairs in your hair or on your back *GASP!* Then I laughed because hah! I'm not you! and then I thought "God's gonna get me for laughing!"

I'm sorry I laughed at your fear.

*tee hee*

Flip Flop Momma said...

i know..i dont like the crunching either.

u bettter be sorry!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

don't be a sissy
i mean come on.
its a spider!

maybe you should make the spider a drink to, y'all prolly scare the hell outta him too living in his house and all.
I don't know why you cant get along with all Darwins creatures.
All good democrats know Flip you used to be a spider!

Flip Flop Momma said...

no, I was a cat....


KrazyMom said...

Oh, I'd be calling an exterminator as well! Maybe they did hide in your peppers! See the trouble your Grandma just keeps causing! Sorry, but I must admit that I am glad I don't live by you right now! :)

Anonymous said...

a cat licks its own butt!

Flip Flop Momma said...

I know...she just wreeks havov wherever she goes.


I cant say thats a bad thing...

Anonymous said...

I mean
if youre that flexible
I guess
maybe not my butt tho!

IamDerby said...

Ok now I am feeling totally creeped out! I loathe spiders, cant kill em. They make me scream. If I see one it must die before I can do anything else. My son and dd are worthless when it comes to taking care of the spiders, only the hubs will kill them. if he isnt here I have a system that involves lots of raid and the vacuum cleaner and lots of screaming and four letter words. The thought of spiders in my car or tarantulas in my house makes me want to pee myself.

Sarah said...

That...would freak the livin' hell right outta me. I put a bag in the trunk of my car this morning that had been sitting on our patio and on the drive to the donation center I kept thinking, "Holy Hell - what if a spider crawled in the bag and is now making his way up from the trunk!??!" I really wanted to pull over and check.

I didn', yay me! :-)

Flip Flop Momma said...

cant say I would acctually lick the ass, but maybe other things.ya know a cat can get bored..

I like your system..

I have done the same thing...but then was too scared to even whatever I put there, stayed there till hubs could verify there were no bodies.

Flip Flop Momma said...

cant say I would acctually lick the ass, but maybe other things.ya know a cat can get bored..

I like your system..

I have done the same thing...but then was too scared to even whatever I put there, stayed there till hubs could verify there were no bodies.

Scarlet said...

What the hell was THAT?? It looks like road kill! You need to fumigate! Fast!

Kimberly said...

I hate spiders too, but it gives me great pleasure to "DESTROY" them! If I am the one to smoosh them, then I know for sure that it was a job well done! ~snort~

My husband tends to miss! Then everyone is freaked out for hours, trying to figure out where it went. That's even worse!

Flip Flop Momma said...

no fucking idea, but the kids saw it on a walk a couple blocks away..

I need to move.

yes..when one thinks its killed, but its only causes great termoil;)

I know..I have been there;)

Anonymous said...

atta girl!

Flip Flop Momma said...

I know..right...

Haphazardkat said...

Dammit! I so had a spider comment all thought out--then I read your comments about cats licking ass--and other parts--and my mind started driftin' about rough cat tongues on sensitive parts and I think I purred--so thanks--Im going to hell now cuz I'm sitting at work having beastiality thoughts.

Flip Flop Momma said...

I bet your spider comment wouldnt be half as entertaining as your beastality one:)

gina said...

Hairy?!?? that thing looks like a freakin' SQUIRREL!! I don't know about destroying the free world but you are know offiacially responsible for the next week of nightmares I have due to viewing that picture, even thinking that a tarantula might be in your house. ACK!!!

Monogram Queen said...

Spiders freak me out! I don't think you brought them back in the car. Really I don't!

catscratch said...

Spiders = Heart Attack.

I don't dig it. Call the Orkin Man. And if he ain't hot, call another one.

Get the job done, girl!

Flip Flop Momma said...

I thought it was a squirel at 1st glance, then I went 4 a walkabout and looked at it with my own eyes..

it has no head, about 7 legs, and im thinking a tail.

Im not sure what it is..

thanks, its good to have someone on my side.

I will keep goin till I find a hot one..u can take that to the bank;)

MamaMichelsBabies said...

Spiders don't scare me to much, but those frickin centipedes snd their evil cousins the milliepedes have had me running recently. I think that's why I don't kill the spiders, I figure if they take out one of those many legged creepies they can live here.

And whatever is in that picture... gross.

sweets said...

that is one HUGE leg!!!! oh no oh no... start packing!!!!

i once heard a story about a guy that had a cactus in his back yard that was kind of vibrating (i know sounds odd)... i can't even remember all the detail... but it turns out the WHOLE huge cactus in his back yard was INSIDE hollow and filled with bloody huge spiders... i sure as shit hope that was one of those supid urban legends cause that is nightmare material right there!!!

oh my word, i found the link that tells the story.... read this and then drink a bottle of vodka...

love your chillies!!!!

Flip Flop Momma said...

oh boy, I hate those too...I get those in my laundry room..mothertruckers..

oh shit, thats creepy as hell..Im glad we have no cactus here..4 shizzle..