Beast of Burden

Well my damn dog is still smothering her love all over my daughter's sandals..see..




























She is just laying in her doggie bed, just glowing there with her new puppy..



You touch it, and she will bite your hand off...


U don't mess with her babies..


Thats how she rolls.



~


The other night I was lounging in my bathtub, cause well, I like to soak in steaming hot water surrounded by my own filth...



I heard my girls screaming bloody murder. Then I heard the word spider uttered.



Oh great I thought, they are becoming irrational when it comes to the arachnid. Poor damn things get no damn respect unless your spider man or some shit.



I hear the hubs take a shoe and smash it to smithereens.


I get out a while later and question about this so called spider.




Now don't get me wrong, spiders make me pee myself...I admit it..




Its the only kinda bug I cant kill on my own. I have to get a third party to do the killing. Almost like hiring a hit man..Only I don't pay 4 this service. Your reward is living here.




One day I went to take a bath and there was a big ass brown spider just lounging on the side of my tub. The first thing I do is holler 4 the boy...


Sometimes having a son comes in handy..


he gets a shoe and kills it, then proceeds to clean the remnents of the body outta the tub 4 me.



Why is it that we cant kill them?...We can have big clown shoes on, but yet wont step on them. Why is that?


We know damn well their legs aren't going to wrap around our shoes and somehow strangle us, or touch us, or bite us...we know this shit, yet we still cant step on them.


I don't see the logic in this. However I don't try and rectify or question it. I know its not very rational to be scared to step on one..I mean dude...its a little spider.


Now if I were to run into one of those tarantula's I saw at my aunts house inside MY house, I would call 911..because holy shit, thats an emergency if ever there was one.



The one I saw at my aunts was not scary. he was actually kinda cute...He was a baby..Now his momma mighta scared the shit outta me if I woulda saw her...


but this little guy was small...About the size of a pop can top...Ya no, the girth of a soda can...Not the length

So in spider sense, it was fucking huge, but in hairy scary tarantula-ness...not so big..

anyway, back to the spider that was here..


When I questioned hubs about it, he told me it was mother truckin huge..

He used his hands to show me how big it was.

I told the kids to pack their shit cause we were leaving..


Then it dawned on me....

could this be the bastard?


Mother hell...I bet it was..


How did the bastard make it down here with no one seeing him?


Did he ride down on my back, in my hair, in my shoe?


I was getting all creeped out..


I asked to see the body. I needed to look and see if this indeed was the bastard who had kept me up many a nights..

I had to identify the remains.


I looked at the bottom of dear hubs shoe, and indeed it was big...


But...


it was not the bastard.


the bastard was hairy, had googly eyes, long fangs and was quick as shit..


I knew the bastard well enough to know he was quick enough not to be killed. He proved that to me time and time again...Cause he is there, then he is gone...just like a figment of your imagination...


I looked over this body, I cringed...and started packing. I told the occupants of this house that if this is something that was going to be a regular occurrence, I indeed would be moving out.


Then hubs says to me.


ya no, I bet the sonofabitch can in on your chili peppers...this is not a spider who lives here....u brought this bitch in...



Me...?





Oh.Hell.No.


I would not of had peppers in my car that were contaminated with such beasts..


no.way.























Do these peppers look like they would harbor fugitives?

Or these ones?


































And you cant hardly blame this little baby ones..



































I think not people...



its plain discrimination to blame the peppers..and I wont stand 4 that shit..no how, no way...





The poor little Mexican man I bought these from on a road side in Hatch. New Mexico, would not sell me a bunch of Mexican spiders..



he just wouldn't do it..





We bonded...



THEN to make matters worse....the kids come home from a walk and start telling me how I brought back tarantula's from my trip...



I keep telling them..NO I did not...



Then hubs says..



well there was some questionable critter dried up and wrapped up in some sort of crap on the side of the road, and I am blaming you..



sonOfabitch..



Did I bring home a species of spider and now I am going to single handedly destroy the free world?



Damn, what an honor.



So I had my son go take a pic of said creature...I wanted to see what we were dealing with..



It does not look like a hairy spider, but it is very questionable..









































*

*
*
*
*
*
*






I mean seriously...



It kinda resembles a tarantula leg, I mean I do have first hand knowledge on what they look like..



but the rest of it is questionable...



I just hope it does not end up like the movie Arachnophobia...ya no where a tarantula makes it way here from another country and breeds with a domestic spider killing everyone in its path...

I don't need that shit on my conscience....


I mean I was happy with the bastard...he didn't bug me, I didn't bug him..


We sort of co-existed...

But now if I have his relatives reeking havoc around here, I may have to call the Orkin man.

Lets just hope he is better looking then John Goodman..


I need a drink.