Friday, September 28, 2007

Have u ever needed someone so bad

I had a post up, about how my MIL was coming for a visit and how she is crazy and about how my grandpa cant be in Boo's band because as she says..well he is dead..

Cant very well be in your 4 year old great granddaughters imaginary band when your six feet under, now can u?

I am not bitter about the fact my grandpa cant play in her fake band, just disappointed I cant call him and tell him she wanted him to be in it.

Moving on though, I am about to write about some crap that is starting to, well,make my boobs bigger.

Its only making them bigger because it is causing me to have the urge to eat a cinomlet every 4.7 seconds, and holy shit...that would make any ones boobs a tad, well, swollen.

Here is a list, in no order mind you, of why I hate people, and why some may feel I am not a good Christian lady folk.

* I want to find the ass wipes who rented my house in the homeland and shove sandpaper up their anuses and then force feed them Metamucil by the gallons.

I got a bill in the mail from the city of that state telling me my city bill is past due and that I owe damn near close to 1,000 smakera'ros.

Killthem...they all must die, but they will die with blood running out of their asses, so this pleases me.

*When my Boo was picked up from her tot school, I had a letter informing me that I owe them a total of $85.00 for the fall fundraiser. I guess me paying 100 bucks a month for Boo to learn her numbers and to learn to hold a pencil is not good enough...I need to pay them for fundraisers.

I think fundraisers are crocks of shit, unless its for a baby who is blind or a some morbid shit that only God controls...

So I am thinking of telling them I will participate in said fundraiser, then buy one thing and call it good. After all, I am in the mood for a shitty fundraiser candy bar, it will only help the swolleness of my boobies, and some guys like that.

*The state of Michigan is threatening to shut the govt down during the days Mr Shaky will be there to do business at a state govt office..

I guess Governor Jennifer Granholm is unaware that the money I paid for the flight to that shitty state is non fucking refundable and Mr SHaky better damn well be able to walk into the Seceratary of States office the day he needs to...Or you too will have the sandpaper shoved up your bung hole...along with razor blades and a Payday Candy bar.

*I went to do Karaoke Wednesday night, sober mind you, and there was this woman who came in, I swear may God strike me down if this woman didn't look like Janis Joplin, only, she had NO teeth, none, zip, zero nada...she is ALL gums. I jokingly said to my pal that it would be funny if she sang Bobby Magee..

motherhellno...she did...and she was awesome.

don't judge a book by its Janis Joplin looking shell, because holy shit, it was her, in the flesh....Plus she told me that I sang Desperado so well, she thought I MUST be in a band....

thank you, thank you toothless lady, your kind words touch me, but go get some dentures. thank you.

*My MIL is coming for a visit, because holy shit, she knows how much this ho loves company.

at 5:30am Monday morning when my daycare tot comes, we are making a B-line for their sleeping quarters, because holyshit, its my house and my business and that's where we play...

so get a fucking hotel..

and, I still don't have salt, I don't use it....but you go ahead and buy me some salt anyway, because I know it does wonders for both your blood pressures.

But take the shit home with you when u go, or I will use it to melt the ice on my porch next month.

*Why the hell aren't my leaves changing colors? I do like fall, I love raking leaves and I love the colors...but all the leaves in this state are just dropping with no color changing.

hello, Mother Nature, should I contact Al Gore about this, is this a Global Warming issue, or did you just forget to make it rain all summer and now my trees have chlorophyll issues and not changing colors?..let me know, because I feel like fighting and Al Gore will do, because I know Global Warming is HIS fault...because he is has a beard and drives a hummer.

* Dr Oz and Oprah, now is my poop suppose to float or sink? I forgot. I just want to make sure I am getting enough fiber. This has been bugging me and I am too embarrassed to Google it.

don't have a Dr on tv telling me I need to break wind 15 times a day and my poo is suppose to either float or sink, otherwise I am gonna die of hemorroid cancer.

I have had it for today....My ticker can not take any more trauma or I will be in the same boat as my grandpa, and I wont be in Boos imaginary band either. I am suppose to be the drummer golldarnit.

And the Janis Joplin lady already thinks I am in a band..I mean, it only makes sense..

Next week I can assure her I am indeed IN a band.

Thank you, thank you very much.


Have a good weekend....I will be laying face down in a Kareoke bar before Monday hits..that outta impress the ole MIL..

27 comments:

Gette said...

Do you consider the Eagles country or rock, cuz in my book you sang another country song...

Flip Flop Goddess said...

Gette,
how DARE you...They are ROCK..

this is grounds for me to stop talking to u...haha

Jessica Foster said...

Girl, you need a cocktail, or a new pair of shoes. You got entirely too much crap going on!
(I don't use salt either!)

Scarlet said...

I'm still waiting to see a clip of you at Karaoke.

metalmom said...

If Mr Shaky can't make his visit, I've got a sister who will get VERY DRUNK and trash the entire building. You could tell the mayor it's payback.

Flip Flop Goddess said...

Jessica,
I need a cocktail AND new shoes:)

Tiff,
your gonna wait a damn long time..haha

Metalmom,
shoot, I think I like your sister..

Halfmexican Mama said...

So are you taking MIL karaoking with ya?

Fleur de Lisa said...

Those fundraisers piss me off too. Money, money, money!

Flip Flop Goddess said...

HMM,
well she wont be here till Sat and I am gettin my groove on Fri..so..nope..

Lisa,
amen

Ba Doozer said...

what in the holy hell are you talking about? I lost you after you said "you must be the CRY baby" or was it "shoot em up pow pow" I dont know.

Flip Flop Goddess said...

Doozer,
shit, now u got ME con*used.

Katie said...

I hate fundraisers too. I would just rather give money to whomever is requesting it instead of getting expensive crap that I don't need or want.

Bradley Egel said...

FFG -

Maybe the Janis Joplin looking chick with no teeth has been using your scary toothpaste :)

Why don't you start a "fundraiser" and buy her some dentures... lol

Bradley
The Egel Nest

Ba Doozer said...

seriously though, the title of your post? I was just listening to that song yesterday and I think it applies to me. also ? I just farted while sitting here in my bed using my laptop. now I'm going to lay my head there? oh boy.

Flip Flop Goddess said...

Katie,
yes...that is much easier, BUT, I only like giving for a worthy cause..not to raise money for this place..goodgolly.

Bradely,
now thats a damn good idea there now buddy.

Dozzer,
its a good song, hense why I picked it for a title...(if u have never noticed, MOST of my titles are either songs, or lyrics from a song)

I hope you had sweet smelling dreams.

themuttprincess said...

I have no idea where you are in MN, but where I am my leaves are changing beautifully!!!

Hang in there, it will get better!!

Flip Flop Goddess said...

TMP,
I live west of the cities...we had NO rain all summer, and my leaves suck.

patti_cake said...

I totally think the woman is Janis Joplin and she didn't really die of a drug overdose - just been hiding out all these years.

Flip Flop Goddess said...

Patticake,
yes she is has been hiding out in Bumblefuck Mn..hahahaha

Jamie Dawn said...

Good grief this post had a LOT of stuff in it!!

I take it you are not a raving fan of your MIL??!!

My parents had some good for nothing renters who gave her a sob story and didn't pay their rent for four months. My mom finally evicted them, and they left the house looking shabby. JERKS!! I'm with you on the sand paper up the backside hole for these kinds of people who take advantage of others.
I'd LOVE to not pay my mortgage for four months and get away with it!!!

I don't see why your gramps can't be in Boo's imaginary band. With imaginary things, anything is possible. He can sing and play drums or guitar from heaven. Boo can ask my Gramillo to join in. She used to sing here on earth, and I'm sure she'd love to join Boo's rockin' band!

If when I ate fattening foods my boobs swelled, I would be cramming junk food down my pie hole like crazy. Unfortunately, my bohunkus and thighs swell at a much higher rate than my boobs, so I have to limit my indulgences.

MamaMichelsBabies said...

Ewwieee.. innn laaawwsss.

I'm so lucky, everyone says my birds are to noisy for them so they never stay long. You could borrow them if you wanted.

Have fun over the weekend, and I swear, when you started talking about boobies swelling I thought you were going to say you were pregnant.

Yikes.

Tom said...

Shame about the leaves....I'm where New York, Vermont and Quebec meet up and the color is coming on strong! I will do some photos this weekend.
Any chance of an Mp3 of you singing karaoke? I think you'd do a kick ass version of "Helter Skelter"!

Humincat said...

I heard a horrible rumor that my MIL is coming to town to visit for a few months, but I refuse to believe mean gossip until proven otherwise. I'm sure you won't be stuck with yours as long as mine plans on staying. Why is it everytime she comes my husband turns into a 12 yr old for a little while? I reminded/threatened him that this time, if he doesn't act like a grown up, I won't treat him like one either,,,,,,I think he got the message.

Ba Doozer said...

so you're leaving us all alone this weekend ? I can't feel my legs. Or maybe that's the xanax kicking in

No_Newz said...

You just threw 50 pounds of shit into a 30 pound blog post! Damn you have a lot going on!

I don't do school type fund raisers either. They are bullshit. I'm not raising little salesmen for cripes sake.

Sandpaper all their asses! Enjoy your visit with your MIL.

Have a great weekend!

Fantastagirl said...

Hate fundraisers - hate.hate.hate them... so you do wanna buy a magazine, popcorn, or a butter braid? It's getting to where the neighbors all hide when they see kids walking down the street. We do the write a check for amount of whatever and don't sell door to door.

Neurotic1 said...

Dang girl- you and I are on the same bad wavelength right now! Let's run off and join a band. It may just be more fun than life right now! Oh, I love Janis Joplin!

My Dad called this morning about the government maybe shutting down. That is ludacris! I think it may just be a threat. Or at least, I hope, for Mr. Shaky's sake!