As I am looking over at my sofa that my four year daughter is occupying , I wonder what would she do if I ran up to her and screamed in her ear.
She is laying there, sleeping, with a cookie in her hand. You see, that cookie she is holding was my bribe to her in keeping her ass awake.
because I am one of those cool moms that offers you shit to spoil your dinner so you will do what I say.
I am sure she is all worn out from a hard day at preschool. I am sure coloring and pissing yourself can wear one out.
Ok, but in her defense she does not piss herself, but still..
She just lays there, her pigtails dangling down her cheek, one leg dangling off the sofa and she is dreaming.
I am half thinking of grabbing the cookie and eating it. Hell, I gave it to her.
She did not keep her end of the bargain. She does not know how this bribe business works.
I am slightly ashamed and also feel slightly jilted.
Ashamed because my daughter lied..she said that cookie would keep her big brown eyes open..
I feel jilted for trusting her..
Now tonight, as I lay in my bed, with the possibility of getting it on...She will come barging in and say these words..
momma, I cant sweep
She will say SWEEP because as the speech therapist told me, she has trouble with the L's..she replaces them with W's, very common for retards..
yea yea whatever..
so then I will get none, she will lay in my grandpa's old recliner I have in my room, and she will stay awake till, oh about midnight watching South Park and some ruthless comedy show on HBO, cause thats what I do.
Then I will carry her tiny ass down to her big girl bed, twist my ankle because I am sure I will trip over some sort of toy or Dora action figure she has laying about her abode.
All because she would not take me up on this bribe...Because she is not woman enough to keep her word.
All because I think she is cute.
All because just a few minutes ago, before she crashed and burned, she saw a toy on TV and said..
oh momma, that is so totally mine
what the hell?
She also told me that today while at school, she cried because she missed me.
Now if I were to ask her teacher, I am sure their versions would be different. But I am just going to believe that she cried because she missed me...
See, how can I verbally abuse that?
So even though I wont be getting any tonight, I wont hold it against her. Because having her barge in my room at night, is better birth control then anything I can think of.
Well, I have a cookie to go eat...