Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Bicycle Race

If I have told my kids once, I have told them a million times. Put your bike in the garage at night, cause holy shit, criminals steal that shit and sell it on EBay.

Well, the kids listen to me better then Ole Shaky cause last night someone stole his wheels.

This is a bike he bought at a yard sale about 2 years ago..Its ugly as shit, but he loved it.

He wakes me up at the crack of dawn...ok, it was like 6:45am to tell me his trike was missing.

"did u have it in the garage?"

"nope"

"dumb shit"

Funny thing about this whole fiasco, is this morning whilst driving my van to get new brakes, I saw the local homeless guy driving around on my mans wheels.

I nearly had urine leak out from my underwear and down my leg.

Why is that funny to me?

Because I am a fucking retard, that's why.

~

I went to the local shithole, i mean diner for breakfast. Its me, Boo and my mother. My mother and I both have diet cokes. After a while she comes and asks if we need more soda, to which I say "fill me little lady"

She takes both or glasses, and brings them back.

My issue with this is...how the sam bloody hell do I know if that's my cup or my moms cup?

I normally chew on my straw in case such occasions arise, but I had not done it yet that morning. I had no idea whose was whose.

My twisted up mind has some sort of deep seeded unrational , completely ignorant issue with drinking someone else's shit. I cant do it.

So I sit and eat, I am thirsty....I am starting to see mirages of tall glasses of diet coke, with chewed straws...Thank God, because I am dying of thirst here.

I know how people trapped in the dessert feel. Those mirages of water and soda's are just plain brutal.

~
Oh, and guess what today is.....

My dogs birthday..

On this day Sept 11, 2004..my shit face of a pup was born.

She is virtually useless.

Now that she is a senior citizen, I think its time to admit her to a nursing home.

She still likes to piddle on my Berber carpet, to which it is nearly impossible to get stains out that...because holy shit, that carpet was made by some sort of hate crime group who is only out to see people buy this shit, then spill water on it..and be totally hosed.

Just to be nice, I will let her shit and piddle on my floor, and today, I wont kick her.

25 comments:

Rachel said...

I had to laugh at you wondering about the drink being yours or not!! I have wondered that same thing when they do that!! But drinking after your Mom couldn't be that bad, could it??

I loved your karaoke pictures. I've never done that but I'll bet it's lots of fun!! You look like a natural!

Flip Flop Goddess said...

Rachel,
I wont even drink after my hubby, and we have um, exchanged bodliy fluids..haha

Katie said...

Chances are the server gave you new glasses.

Flip Flop Goddess said...

Katie,
No, I watched her re-fill them..trying to keep an eye o which one was mine..But with all her moving, I lost track of mine..same glass, same straws;(

Krystal said...

The homeless guy has your hubby's bike, eh? Well, he probably needed it more anyway.

Jay Cam said...

wow sucks for your kid...what a story to post on 9/11!! lol

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Jamie Dawn said...

How nice that your doggie will get a day of rest from your constant brutality. Too bad tomorrow isn't his birthday anymore. He is in for some abuse, I'm sure.
Poor piddling doggie.

You don't want to drink after your mom??!!
I'm a germaphobe, but I would drink after my mom.
My son used to let bits of food go back into his drink when he was little, so I definitely did NOT drink after him.

The homeless guy has new wheels!! Your hubby was SO generous and didn't even know it!!!

1 plus twins said...

happy birthday to your dog. being that i had a laso apso (can't spell it)growin up i am found of them so happy birthday. mine lived to be 13 yrs old so you probably have few more years of pissing on your carpet. lol i am sorry your hubbys bike got stolen but that is too damn funny that you saw the homeless guy with it. i would have peed myself. maybe your hubby can buy back from the homeless guy he could probably use the money to buy booze to get the courage to rip someone else off. lol

Yarn Tails said...

You know I would have probably laughed too if it was me. Reminds me of the time I was shoveling the snow off my sidewalk in the middle of the day. Stopped to take a break and went in the house. Came back out 15 mins later and my snow shovel was gone.

Drinking after other people is just ewwwwwww!

Flip Flop Goddess said...

Krystal,
yes..my thoughts too;)..let em ride, ride like the wind.

jay Cam,
it wasnt my kid it was my husband.

Jaime,
sadly, I dont even drink ater Mr Shaky...I aint right in the head Jamie, U NO tha:)

one plus twins,
13 years?..shit are u kidding?..i was hoping no more then six months tops;)

yes, its pretty *unny tha the homeless guy has his bike..I still am chuckeling bout tha.

Yarn tails,
now taking a shovel is pretty damn low..haha

Karin said...

Thanks for coming by and checking on me. I am still pregnant and miserable. Because of this I have been staying away from the internet as a whole as I am not a happy camper. Hopefully all these contractions will finally lead to a baby in the next day or two and I will return to the internet a nicer person.

Flip Flop Goddess said...

Karin,
ok..I am glad your still alive, but upset cause your still WITH child;)

Neurotic1 said...

Okay so I just about peed my pants. How funny the homeless guy has Mr. Shaky's bike ;) Guys just never listen. Mr. Conservative is the same damn way! His new saw has been sitting on our porch for almost a week now. I keep tellin' him the crackheads next door are gonna come and take it!

JoeinVegas said...

What - you didn't dive out of teh car as you drove by and tackle that guy and take the bike back? If he gets used to taking things from your place who knows what else will end up missing. If you do, make sure mom takes a video to post for us, so we can see you whipping butt.

patti_cake said...

Well did you stop said homeless guy and at leas yell at him???

Flip Flop Goddess said...

N1,
when his saw ends up missing, just giggle, or maybe when he goes to bed, you move it so he THINKS it has been stolen;)

Joe in Vegas,
Well, I woulda whopped his ass, but one, he smells really bad and TWO he was looking for lunch, thru the garbage can in the park, I didnt want him to choke or anything;)

Patti cake,
he was diggin thru garbage at the park, so I will give him a good tongue lashing next time;)

aatank said...

How funny! Damn Kids anyway(Yes I know it was hubby but he is just like one of your kids). I think when you have left overs you should put them out for the poor guy, then maybe he won't steal from you.

Wendy said...

Sounds like that dog needs a Depend!

I think I might piss myself if I saw the local homeless guy on my hub's bike too!

Oooh! I like Katie's answer. I hope that is tru. On the other hand, if there are opened straws in them, where did they come from?

Flip Flop Goddess said...

Aatank,
damn good thinking..but it might attract the wolves and bears, we do have them wandern about;)

Wendy,
well...all she did was take our cups and fill them..I watched the whole thing..same cup, same straws...

see what I mean..

Bradley Egel said...

So funny that you saw the bike again...was the perp a kid or an adult??

Bradley
The Egel Nest

Just A Girl said...

I can not stand a waiter getting the glasses mixed up. I remove the straw or chew it like you.

P.S. - You received an award, its on my blog.

Flip Flop Goddess said...

Brad,
well the perp was a homelss guy whom resides in Cenrtal Park...I saw him digging thru the trash..yes..classy I know;)

Just a girl,
yup, I normally chew on the straws, but for some reason I did not do it that morning..I am a dumb ass.

The Kept Woman said...

So did you beat down the homeless dude for the bike?

Flip Flop Goddess said...

TKW,
it was damn tempting