Friday, August 04, 2006

I fought the law and the law won

So its early Friday morning and I am just coming home from a hard day at the office. No new bookings tonight, the night was pretty slow. But it has made me think of a new ode..This one is entitled

Ode to the hootchie momma and drug lords,

To you, the criminals that make your graces thru our correctional facility, I want to extend out a heartfelt thanks. Thanks for what you may be asking...Well, thank you for the good times. You don't know how much I get a kick out of watching you do push ups and walk wall to wall for 12 hours. I know you are getting pumped up so you can meet your soul mate after you get out, because yes I know there is someone out there waiting for you..Why, I am not sure..But she is.

And when you whistle everytime we females go down the hallway, makes our hearts go pitter patter...I mean not the good kind, more like a potenailly deadly arythmia.

And when we do your nighttime lock down and you tell the gentleman officer you want me, good ole Bossy to lock you down, well it makes me feel oh so special.

makes me want to vomit what contents I have in my stomach and to change my name and address so I can not be tracked should some loop hole in our judicial system let your freaky ass out.

Now on the the hootchie momma portion of the ode.

It makes my feel all warm and fuzzy inside when I hear you all say when I leave the room "stupid bitch"

ladies, I have been called worse things, on here...Come now..

That is pure baby talk.

And no, I will not pass love notes between you and the convict down the hall, I don't care if she is your do know that is not legal right?..Two chicks cant be married...Especially when the one is already married to a man....Just thought I would tell you...SHE IS NOT YOUR WIFE....Ok lil Missy?

I love how you people just go commit crimes and then expect treatment you would receive at the Hilton Hotel. Or hell even motel 6...Your in jail piss ants. No you can not put in a request for a pizza to be delivered, No you don't get a fresh blankie everyday or fresh undies...Sorry..If you want fresh linens and under garments everyday, stay the hell out of jail..

No I will not find a priest or clergy member to marry you.....

No I wont join you and your honey in a threesome after "you gets outta here"

And last, but certainly not least...I will not give you a fresh roll of TP until you give me your old roll...You can not stock up on TP fellas....I don't care if your crap is running down your leg and your standing in your own urine..It wont happen...YOU KNOW THE RULES BOYS...After all, its your third time here sweetie..

So this is crap I deal with.

some of these people I am not sure why we even bother to let out. Because less then 48 hours later they are back...We barely get their stench out of the cells and they are back to re-stink it.

It hard out here for a pimp...Or so I have been told.

Like I said..Mind all traffic laws, don't take a knife to anyone's throat, don't have a meth lab in your basement, and don't free base in front of the court house..

These are free tips to you from me...I really need to make a handout and give it to everyone.

Well tonight I am taking my bees to the county fair. I will end up getting a head ache from going on rides I should not, I will get heart burn from eating stuff I should not, and we will bring home prizes from stupid games we should not of played....But hell, you cant pass up the chance to win a goldfish for a mear dollar, now can you?

Bee Real


Heart Of Darkness said...

Jeez, F*U*N!

I'll NEVER complain about my deskjob again. The only thing I have to fight is the urge to kill myself by strangulation with the phone cord... ;)

Take care

Claire said...

Wow, things are tough in your part of the world... I think I'll stay with the anklebiters! And not freebase in front of the courthouse, naturally!

Have fun at the fair! yay goldfish!

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

heart of darkness,
yes..I bet your not dealing with first degree murders..someitmes it is a bit creepy..

and PLEASE, dont choke yourself for Petes sake:)

yes, free basing on the courthouse lawn is always a dumb thing to do:)

Gette said...

Ahh, Miss Bossy, if only the entire criminal justice system worked like your mind. Can't get any worse, can it? /ducks

Had a dose of county fair last night myself. Small doses is best; I'll be going to at least 4 of them.

Mrs. Diamond said...

Some people eh.

Well at least your job isn't boring.

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

may i suggest u hoping over to our county fair tonight..say we meet at the dairy barn around 7ish:)

mrs d,
yes some people is right...i could write a book already and its only been a month:-)

The Blog Whore said...

Whoa, that is crazy.

...and I always thought working in a nut house would be fun.



Bossy♥'s YOU said...

blog whore,
well i work at a nut house..the nut house is NOTHING compared to the county jail:)

winners all around baby:-)

Michele_3 said...

Well I'll have to admit, You got a lot on your plate with that job!

But at least you'll have good posts for your daily readers while your working there ! LOL!

Take care &
have fun at the fair!

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

well it isnt nealry as bad as it may sound bad, but really its not bad...and it is fun in a weird sorta way..ha

oh and the fair, yes the bees will have fun and i will pray for certain death i am sure.

kaliblue said...

Have A Great Weekend!! Enjoy the fair with the young'uns:-)

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

thank you..and u do the smae..well not take my kids to the fair, but u know what i mean:)

jess said...

Ha ha! Great post. I'm glad there are people like you out there, who can work at jobs like that and laugh about it after.

I'd probably start throwing punches... and it would not be pretty.

The Blog Whore said...

Still working the nut house too?

Damn, woman.

Another friend of mine also works in corrections. He says it is incredibly stressful. He's gay and he has to walk around all tough... He says them there inmates are freaky.

And they are always asking for sh*t.


Britmum said...

Bossy bossy bossy,

You are so bloody hilarious. I was reading some of your stuff to Scragend last night and he was laughing to. However he did say that you do go on a bit. LOL.... that was funny!!! Sorry!!!

What the heck is free basing? Hmmm can I look that up on google?

So when are you popping over to Phoenix?

Take care and don't be having a threesome now ya here. Hey that sounded cool!! Bye xx

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

well i have not got to the point where i want to throw punches, but i am sure its coming:)

blog whore,
a gay guy workingin corresciots..God bless is stressful and they do ask for sh*t all the time..just like damn two year olds..

whoa..ok u must tell me what what he thought I went on about..I am a people pleaser, so tell me what to fix:) free basing is drug terminolgy, dont worry...nothing you will have to deal with:)

ok, tell me what i go on about..I am all stressed out now..thank you:)

Karin said...

Again you have put me on the straight and narrow so I will not free base in the courthouse court yard nor will I urinate on their plants. Oh and I can't marry my girlfriend cause I am already married, damn I need to rethink my choices.

Good luck at the fair, man I knew there was a good side of not havbing any kids, I never have to go to the fair. Watch out for Carnies, they may be inmates tomorrow.

Badoozie said...

very well said bossy. mucho's kudo's. and you must have been snorting something because i only counted like TWO typos or misspellings on this post. its like you've been delivered from the bad spellers club or something. wow. wowsers.

hey, your job sounds interesting, where do i sign up?

pack of 2 said...

LOL...I want to work there...that sounds like fun. Hell, it sounds more entertaining than Target!


Peggy said...

I want to go to the fair and ride all the rides till I throw up!! I miss dragging my girls there so I could ride all the fast, throw you around rides.... can I go too, can I???? I promise not to spend all your money. LOL

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

that is what I am ehre for, to help the people...good girl and dont pee or free base in places u should not and you should be good to go:)

but if u dont have kids tot ake to the fair, how you gonna get cotton candy, carmel apples, or elephant ears?...u need to rethink that woman..

maybe i am the only one who eats that crap:)

well sadly only words that are probably spelled wrong are the ones spell check doesnt regonize..i need to invent my own dictonary.

wiat, r u back now?

oh hell yea its more interesting then target...come down and aply and we can be parenters:)

be here by 5pm and momma will let u go..

Britmum said...

Bossy don't stress my love. Scragend is a man of few words so to much dialog throws him for a bit. I however love what you write and hell sometimes its not even enough.

Take care and rest secure in the knowledge that we at the Harwood Circus love you Bees. xxx

Working Mom said...

So you're talking to me again, huh? That's what I thought :)

I'd honestly be scared to work there. I'm a chickenshit though :)

Nerdine said...

turns out I'm a pimp.
at least that's what spanish people think.

Will that take me to your jail, honey?

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

ok, as long as you still lvoe me and appreicate my ramblings..I am good:)

you no i cant stop loving you:)

ok i will come book ya:)

Choppzs said...

LOL, come on now Bossy, you know you want some of that gangsta girl's stuff!!! lol What if you are missing out on your true soul mate?? You can be her baby's daddy!! lol Sorry, couldn't resist!

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

let me tell ya, some of them hoochie mommas are kinda scary:)

Bumbling Bav said...

Such great tips! I will remember the knifing one for the next family get together.

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

good thinking;)

LZ Blogger said...

"It Hard Out Here For A Pimp!" Oh boy... they just don't write 'em like that anymore do they?! Ah... those were the DAYS! ~ jb///

Raggedy said...

What a world you live in! Wow!
I guess you will never be short on material to write about..
Have fun at the fair!
LOL at tips...
Have a wonderful day!
(=':'=) huge huggles
(")_ (")Š from da Raggedy one

Gangadhar said...

Wow..dat's crazy..lollzzz..
A very nice write up...

btw can u pl do me a favor? pl change my url on your blog to

thank u

take care


Meow said...

I love that no matter what, you have something entertaining to say about any situation. Seems like a bizarre place to work at. Love that you are getting great stories for us to read out of it.
Hope you enjoy the fair, don't eat too much cotton candy, and don't hurl on anyone on the rides !!
Take care, Meow

Buffy said...

Holy Crap.

Hoochie mommas eh?

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

lazy bloggr,
no, they dont write em like they use to..:)

yes the world is pretty messed up, and now I see that with these loseres i work with...yikes!

i keep forgetting..i will do it tonight..

by the turck load.

Lady Noelle said...

I don't think I could ever work in a jail.

Badoozie said...

heck yes i'm back, and i'm bad as ever

Krystal said...

Your job sounds like fun. May I join you?

EmmaSometimes said...

Hey, but never a dull moment..(still giggling over your tirade)

1 plus twins said...

hey got here from britmum and i definitly will be back, that was hilarious!!

Kendra Lynn said...

Hope you had fun at the fair! :)
We went to an awesome zoo today, and it was a blast...and yes, we did buy cotton candy and a souvenir, much to Scott's dismay.


deni said...

I think I work with some of those people in sock hell, well, they look like they belong in jail.

Last night I was tempted to stuff socks in places they don't belong.

Wow, I am so glad I am back, look at all the interesting stuff I was missing. :)

Thanks for your thoughts and comments!!