Thursday, December 27, 2007

gonna make u sweat

Since this will be the last post of the year I thought I would take a look back at the year gone by and make goals for the next year.

Then I decided that idea sucked. I did have a semi good year...some good things that happened..

* I didn't die
* I was fired from one job and quit the other one
*My kids are still alive and bugging the shit outta me
* hubby is going to sew me some curtains and a pretty sundress

some shitty things that went down

* The Prince show I went to in July started two hours late
* I broke my ankle but did get some nice drugs
*my grandpa died.

yes, that sums it all up for you hoodlums.

If you missed my tail of Christmas and how my house nearly caught on fire and how I witnessed a suicide...well scroll down cause your in for a treat.

In the meantime I am going to share a few mishaps from last week.

Last Wednesday as I preparing for karaoke night, I run down to throw my best black sweat pants in the dryer, they are my WED night karaoke pants for Gods sake..

I toss them in and start the dryer...only my dryer refuses to start...

So I do what any desperate gal in need of dry trousers does..

I dry em with my hair dryer.

As of today our dryer has officially kicked the bucket, luckily our laundry room came equipped with clothes lines installed, so now we are making use of them...Nothing like a nice stiff towel to rub your delicate wet spots..

Then my nice ole Holy Christmas tree...

I put 106 strands of lights on it, half white, half blue..

Seems only blue are working for the last 5 days my tree that started out with a nice holiday glow, now sort of looks like a smurf puked on it..

I am taking all reminders of the holiday down ASAP. I have about about enough holiday cheer...


I went today and bought a game for the hubby's new Xbox 360. I bought Dance Dance Revaluation..Oh its so awesome..It took me a while to get the hang of it, but holy butt nuts, its pretty swell. I started playing it and the next thing I know 2 hours have went by, the kids are sleeping and hubby is upstairs watching the telly..

So that makes two addictions for me...I wonder if I can hold a mic and dance at the same time..I could kill two birds with one stone.

I was reading the warning on this game. I have never seen a video game come equip with warnings..

* u must use your bare feet, or your stupid
* if you have any medical conditions in which prohibit you from normal exercise, don't use it...or your stupid.
* don't use this if your under the influence of drugs and or booze....

although that would be a kick ass time...

I hope everyone has a safe and happy new year...

here were my goals last year...this is right from my blog post last year..

*watch more tv

I don't think I succeeded in this goal...there are no good shows on anymore

* stalk def leapprd thru 3 states instead of 2

I did this, I did this...yeah me

*find Pat

Yup, found Pat...he/she was hiding in my suitcase if you recall
*buy a new PAt should I not find the old one

didn't need to....

*spend at least $2000 on concert tickets and stalking equipment...this is scaled back from 2006, i realize I don't need as much as I thought, cuz I am cool like that.

yup yup...nailed it

*Lose 80 pounds. I am trying to get down to my orignal weight..7lbs 13 onces

almost....if I keep dancing I will be at my starting weight of 7lbs 13 oz...

*sell shit on ebay....and start collecting welfare.

well, I started getting unemployment..does that count?

*write a screenplay....for the funniest movie u will never see.

i have started one...................yeah..
*learn how to write said screenplay

nailed that one too
*quit 2 of my day jobs....

i did that and then some...
*keep the house "liveable" need to keep it me I know.

who needs it liveable anyway?
*buy some stocks and bonds

ok, i what

*shave my legs daily..not bi-monthly

*join a cult

damnit, I knew there was something I forgot..

*learn to play the violin......or get a violin....

double crap...forgot about this one too....
that about sums it up I guess.

so, no sense in making anymore goals, because we all see I cant be trusted with that again.

Happy New Year peeps....C-ya in 08...

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Man down

Ho Ho Ho u ho bags....Hope everyone had the most delightful Xmas ever..

So, lets see...

I, I mean santa, got each of the kids a small fish tank for Christmas..I got the tanks all set up and had them hid in my bedroom for a day. I went and bought the kids each a couple fish and threw them in their betrothed tanks..

After the tots went to bed I scurried down to set the shit out under the tree..Its so stressful, pretending to be a big fat man who carries lots of cool shit..I panic and worry one of the tots is going to run upstairs to take a leak, or to be nosey or whatever kids do when they aren't sleeping..

When I get the whole setup done, I am relieved and feel so stressed I could drink a whole bottle of something...

I get all nestled in bed and realize I forgot to set the fish out..So I start taking the tanks down one at a time. I lift the tank and head for the door, then all of a sudden one of the fish jumps out of the tank and lands in a plastic walmart bag on my bathroom floor...I holler for hubby..

man down, man down..hurry , theres a man down...

We find said fish, and we try to revive him. He had been out of the water for at least a minute. he may be suffering brain damage as we speak...He gets back in the water and he is swimming like he had never landed in a plastic walmart bag.

Then after everything is in place again, I head for bed..

We get up the next morning, and low and behold, our little friend in the end did not e survive his walmart bag excursion....

If the little sonofabitch woulda stayed put, I mean what fish jumps out of a fish tank?

stupid dead ones...

For Christmas dinner I have a house full, its us 5, my mom and OCG and her two girls...I set the table and lay all the dishes I have prepared in the middle of my table. HUbby layed some decorative gold ribbon along the middle of the table and we had some very pretty lit white candles...

We were Merrily passing the bowls around so everyone could fill their plates..

Then in a calm voice Shaky says...

oh shoot there is a fire , does someone mind blowing that out?

so in the middle of Christmas dinner there is a full blown fire at my table...

See, thats the ribbon that not only met its maker, but nearly burned my humble abode to smithereens.

Here are the fish tank...

no fish were harmed in photo taking of said picture, the harm was done transporting them...

Anyhoo, so I sit around all day waiting for family to call me and wish me a happy holiday. I thought for sure since I called my dad Thanksgiving, he would surely call me on Christmas...
Boy was I sadly mistaken....
Now hubby is looking at patterns for his new sewing machine....I swear if he makes me a sundress I am gonna have to put a cap in his ass.
So to sum up the day...
fish jumps out, I save only have it die
My table catches on fire during our Holy dinner nearly killing everything in its path.
My dad forgot to call me...maybe he is Jewish I don't know, I forget shit sometimes.
And hubby is now fiddling with his sewing machine and still has the box 360 in the box...
His nutsack has more estrogen then ONE of my ovaries.
Ho Ho Ho...and Happy Holidays

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Long way home

Since this will be my last post till after the big HoLidAy, I have a lot to cram in here..So if you have Jesus in your heart, you can make it thru till the end..

May God be gentle with the ones who cant make it...

It seems my plan of letting my dear Blondie stay home Monday back fired on me, as the school called me Tuesday afternoon cause the lil whippersnapper was a tad feverish..

She is still running a low temp, and school rules are u can not attend school if u have a fever in the last 24 hours..

So her perfect attendance record was torn by me, and shattered by the bug ailing her tiny blonde body..

So this makes a school week of missing 2.5 days...Go me..I am one kick ass mom..hell yeah.


In my last post, someone referred to me as the cookie Nazi..and it reminded me of a somewhat humorous story...I mean it might just be one of those situations where u just had to be there, but I am going to enlighten you anyway..

Ok, picture this.

I am preggers with Blondie so its eight years ago. My mom has this friend whom is a BIG timer into breast feeding and getting the word out that your kids will be retarded and you don't love them unless they suckle your bossom..

She had dropped me off some books because I had made mention I was thinking of breast feeding this kid...ya no, to cut my costs down..

I had tried with the boy, but well...the kid didn't like boobs then and he don't like boobs now...

Anyway, I had leafed thru her books and did some reading and whatnot on it..and thought I would try it..

So the day I had her, a nice chilly Feb. afternoon, I was holding her in my arms and decided I would shove the boob in her mouth and feed my young..

I tried the football hold, and any of u moms who breast fed, know what this is..

Well, I was tired and she was being bitchy so I called the nurse in to help me fiddle around with the whole situation..

She was no help, so I told her to just bring a bottle of Jack D for me and some Enfamil for the tot..

I was worried about this friend of my moms, cause if she found out I had put a bottle in my kids mouth, she would prolly put spikes in my tires..

I called my mom and told her NOT to tell her I had the baby, as I did not want her showing up at the hospital...

Well too late, not more then did I get the sentence out, and there she was..hovering over me and my bottle fed infant.

Oh the shame...

She told me when I got home she would come over and help me get it all figured out. I told her that would be fine..knowing full well I would NOT be calling her..

Well three days went by and my crotch was on fire, my hemorrhoids were flaring and my boobs were leaking...So I was not in the best of moods.

My dad came by to take another peek at his newly born granddaughter and low and behold the woman shows up..

I let her in and tell her baby is sleeping and she is hard to keep awake because she has jaundice and needs to be kept under her bili blanket till she is 20..and my tot needs her rest..

She went on about the booby feeding for a while then left..Telling me, I mean warning me, she would be back..

My dad says to me..

what the hell is she the nipple Nazi? there is my story..


But that brings me to some thoughts...I was thinking back on that time and it was hard for me to remember Blondie being a baby. I mean I look thru the photo albums and I see them as babies, but I have a hard time remembering the feeling, the sleeplessness, the smell...everything..Its all a distant memory.

Even Boo, and she is four now..I look at her little body and I just have a hard time picturing her as a baby..

And the boy...forget it...

The only way I know for sure I was pregnant for him, is the fact my torso is covered in stretch marks, cause before him you could bounce a quarter off my rock hard abs..

This kid will be 11. I think to myself, self, where the fuck has the time gone..

I look at them and I know they are mine, I know I birthed them..but I just wish their formative years were not such a distant memory..Why does it go so fast?

WHy cant the first Christmas last forever?

Why do they have to grow and get mouthy and sass me?

Why am I stuck dealing with teachers who treat my baby bad?

Why did the toffee I made today turn out like shit?

So this is a friendly reminder to those of you with babes..

Breast feed or the nipple Nazi will visit...

and make sure u keep a running tab of shit the kids do thats cute...cause one day u will forget all of it...


Now this brings me to the crap I bought shaky for xmas..

He has been bugging for this for YEARS...and I have been putting it off because to me it just seems weird.

He is getting and Xbox 360, but thats not it..

He is getting Guitar Hero...but that's not it..

This man has been up my ass for years about getting one of these..

He really has a scrotum sack filled with what I suspect are ovaries...but thats beside the point..

After years of waiting, begging, pleading his case...I finally bought him..a

Sewing machine.

Not only am I kick ass mom, but one stellar of a wife...

Chew on that...

Happy Holidays....

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Kiss on my list

I figured being in the spirit of the holiday giving season, I would do something I had not done before.

Being I have three tots, and all three tots have teachers, I thought it might be nice to make a tin full of my world famous sugar cookies, some peanut butter balls and some toffee..I am a kick ass mom/wife/asshat that way

Anyhoo, I have never really given a teacher a gift since the boy was in Kindergarten, and i only did it then because hell, it was the only teacher...and i painted her a Xmas ornament, because I am crafty and super talented that way..

Anyhoo again, it is hard for me to want to do anything nice for my sons teacher, as she has proclaimed with mighty force that he is her class project. But I am looking past her snaggle teeth, her 5 o'clock shadow and the part of her gut I saw gapping thru her moo-moo at conferences...

because I am a holy Christian gal, and am looking past all that....

and Jesus would want me to make her diabetes flare I am sure...

So I will be spending the better of the next two days in my kitchen baking...

Then the rest preparing my body for the alcohol shock it may or may not receive in the next two weeks, with parties and then new years...I don't want to leave any stone unturned .


Another reason I am a good mom, and yes, I do have more then one reason why..

My Blondie in the early morning hours of Monday said her tummy hurt..She ate her Cheerios and proceeded to get ready for school. I asked her if her tummy still hurt, she said not really.

So I told her to take the day off anyway...This hard core second grader has not missed a day yet...So, I single handledly broke her perfect attendance record..yeah me.


Then this morning I was making myself some egg whites for breakfast...I do fancy egg whites.

As I was cutting into them I noticed in the innards of my eggs were still juicy and runny. Totally growdy I know, like barf me out.

BUT, because I had not eaten since about 1pm the previous day, I was in no mood to be so discriminate against my down the hatch it went.

And kid you not, I have had a galloping case of the GI trots all damn day...

Nothing like getting to read my new bottle of lotion....

Salmonella, getting me reacquainted with my bottles of lotion and shampoo.

and holy poop, I just looked and this is my 1,002 post...I need a life.

Amen and happy holidays...

crap, another edit....his teacher will NOT be getting shit now...

the boy lost his spelling words for the week and the ole hag refuses to make him another copy, said she only made 20 copies and thats ALL she is making..

I will be not only having words with her in the AM, but the Principal as well.


no cookies for you.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Give me three steps

I was having trouble finishing up the Xmas shopping for The Boy, as he is kinda like buying a gift for Our Lord and Savior..I just don't know what to get..nothing seems good enough.

I mean he is at the age where he is very particular.

I made a purchase I swore to God I would never buy my baby boy. This is an item that can cause great distress for me as I know what boys keep in these things.

Yes, I bought my son a wallet.

I know he is only going on 11, I know he still thinks girls are growdy, and I know his hair cut is so unflattering that he would never need to use one...

But I still no what boys keep in there besides there allowance and lunch tickets..

I have seen many a wallets loaded with a plenty of these items starting at, um, an early age...

May God place His hand on my boy and keep Trojans outta of his wallet..

Along with Mary Jane and fake ID's.


The children need to take gifts into to school with a five dollar limit. Just one gift. The Boy brings a boy toy, Blondie brings a girl toy..Simple is as simple does.

I head to Walmart WAY over dressed as I am in my church clothes, and I look real fancy in church clothes, and I feel outta place...I was half tempted to head back home nad put on my flannel pj bottoms and a mint julep face mask.

Anyhoo....I easily find toys for both kids...under 5 bucks..which is hard as hell.

I come home with them and my son says..

" now I don't mean to be rude, but I am going to get made fun of if i take this to school"

I bet your thinking I bought him lip gloss or a My Little Pony.

Nah, I got a deck of cards, two decks in one...with star wars on it...One deck is hero's, one deck is villans.

Now mind you, this child and ALL his cohorts play with Star Wars dolls, i mean action figures, on a daily basis.

So I make mention to him that he plays with Star Wars crap all the time.

This is when he informs me this is a secert life he lives and that he keeps his love for Star Wars a secert from his classmates.

I had no idea he was covert spy star wars action figure playing dude.

He is undercover.


I think he is telling me this because he wants to keep the cards....

But damn, I hate to blow his cover..

Whats a mother to do?

Well, tonight I am wrapping them playing cards and slapping a bow on it.

I wanna thank Emmasometimes for my template...she has now single handedly gave me a template for all seasons...Next up will be my spring/summer one from last year. Gawd I miss that one..

Go to my sidebar and tell her she is awesome, I would link , but um, I am retard.


Friday, December 14, 2007

New kid in town

My son totally sucks nuts at math, but he totally kicks peanuts in science. He must of just been taught the human body and all the finer aspects of such a well oiled machine.

He informed me today that he had to um, urinate, a few times at his house of learning, so therefore he must have a kidney problem.

Then he tells me his thyroid gland hurts. He was all super impressed one day when I told him I had no thyroid gland, so this musta sparked his interest in the gland in general.

I asked him why he thought his thyroid hurt. He said it hurts when he talks and swallows.

Um, you mean you have a sore throat?

well, I guess so..


Still no takers on Lynn and Dylan....For the love of God..who the hell are you and why do you send me Christmas wishes?

I have a card made out to send back...

This outta be good.


You know your good and lazy when all three of your tots are no where near the television, yet your still watching The Fairly Odd Parents and thinking to yourself you have seen this one at least 675 times..

Yet you keep watching.

the remote is a stones throw away, yet its way too far.

You would call one of the tots in here to retrieve your remote, but then they might stay in here and want to...disrupt your no kid zone.

So you continue to watch the Fairly Odd Parents..

and your hoping Drake and Josh is on next because you kinda fancy Josh..

Gawd I hate Nickelodeon.

This is when you know you have hit rock bottom.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

what ya gonna do

I am trying to feverishly get my X-mas cards wrote out, so i can send some to someone and totally trick them...

Still any takers on Lynn and Dylan?...anyone? anyone?

I still can not figure out who they are. Has anyone ever gotten a Christmas card from someone you don't know?

Yea, I didn't think so.

So I am trying to print out pics from my photo printer to stuff in my cards, my ink runs out. I pull the cartridge out and get ink ALL over my hands, my face, my clothes.

I am a dumb ass. I big big dumb ass.

So now instead of feverishly trying to get cards done, I am trying to get the ink off my person.


Again...Lynn, Dylan O'niel...are u out there?...Please let me know who u are before I get a restraining order on your asses...shoot..


Ok, I now have more pics ..yes including the lesbian ones..I will start with that, as I know your waiting with baited breath for it..

There ya go....see....My pal is the one closest to me, the other is her sheman..

no, i don't like her..and trust me, the feeling is ever so mutual..but she is like a pair of underwear, my pal cant leave the house without her.

OCG had never heard of Big Boy, nor ever seen one....I guess I did not know it was just a Michigan she needed to feel him up.

This is us in front of the Blue Water Bridge in Port Huron...That is Canada across the river...She had never been that close to the boarder...

she don't get out much..

Here we are at the local pub...its my lesbian pal, her sheman, my dad, and us two..

So there ya go peeps.

Ok, I need to go feverishly wash this crap off me before I get ink poisoning...and its starting to stain my damn keyboard.

again...last call for Lynn and Dylan....

Is anybody out there?

Crap...I feel shitty for not knowing whom it is..

But damn it, they are getting a card back. Cause I am awesome that way

I mean they know my first name, my last name, my home address..

I don't just give that shit out to anyone...

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Have a holly jolly..

So, I know your all anxiously awaiting the pics with my lesbian friend at the local pub, but hence, my pal has not the funds to get her film developed, so one of these of these days..

I forgot to mention that our fine establishment of McDonald's caught fire while we were gone. The brand new one has only been open since August.


Look at this...This is Boo before school Tuesday. For some reason she felt the need for her sunglasses, even though we don't get sunshine in the winter..

She is some piece of work I tell ya...

I got a Christmas card today, and its puzzling me.....Its from no one I know..

Its addressed to me, has my address...

Its from Lynn and Dylan O'neil. Who the hell are they? I don't know anyone by that name..I don't even know any bloggers with this name.

So if you are indeed Lynn or you know whom Lynn is...give me a heads up..Cause I feel like a dumb ass.


Here a few more pics that were from my camera..Here is me and my pal whom is addicted to texting on the expressway and risking getting her ass kicked by yours truly.

Here is my dad and I..

Here is my dad, step mom and I.

So sorry, no lesbians....


Why is it when you have a raging case of the GI trots ,reading the back of a conditioner bottle seems like the most stellar reading?

Monday, December 10, 2007

Welcome to the Jungle

So, ok, I am back..

I ended up leaving later then I wanted and then had to head back a day early..It kinda sucked.

On the way there BETTY my GPS, yup I named her Betty...was all bitchy and shit. She kept taking us off the highway and on to some secondary roads, only to take us back to the highway.

Now we did as she said as I thought she was like a God like figure and knew everything.

Turns out she is more like the devil and was trying to kill us.

Whilst there I did not do a lot of what I had planned.

All I did was spend time with my grandma and dad....spent a little time at the cemetery in the freezing cold...ok it was not freezing, it was a balmy 32....compared to the -5 here its balmy damnit....

Not sure why I went to the cemetery, I mean I don't like snow, cold, or dead things. But I needed to clear off the snow from the stone and tell him what a bitch Betty was..and that I was about to dig her a nice grave right beside him..and he could listen to this for hours on end..

beep beep, recalculating....

I recalculated her ass , thats for certain.

On the way home I drove nine hours straight, then had OCG drive the rest...and she decided that driving 80 on an express way was the PERFECT time to text people.

So I beat her and left her for dead on the side of the interstate....then took her phone and ran over it with my wheels.

Betty got a kick out of that.

I get home and one of my kids are sick, I am tired, very crabby.

So I must go..

Here is a couple pics..

That is us stuck in Chicago traffic on the way there

This is us and Half Mexican Momma, we are at the Chinese place.

I have more.

But thats for next time..

to wet your whistle...they are of us at the bar with my dad and my lesbian friend.

Good times, good times...

Monday, December 03, 2007


Well I been going through the treatment for weeks now, and am finally recovering from my surgery. I am still bald and Mike still thinks I am sexy, or so he says:) So life is good. I am not sure how I would have gotten through these last few weeks without him. This guy has now seem me at my worst and he still comes back begging for more. The man is gluten for punishment I guess.

I have hit many rough patches as far as being in enormous amounts of pain and spedning my days curled around the shitter not being able to keep even water down. But Mike has been a trooper and I do love him for sticking with me through this.

He asked me if I wanted to marry him when we are done with this nightmare. I told him I will die before that happens. What we have isn't broke so why fix it. Lets face it, this man has not the best track record when it comes to saying "i do" and really that would only bring me shit I don't need to deal with. I very much like things the way they are. I can still have a life, I can still go out and people have not a clue who I am. And this is how I like it best. I am not one to like to have a spotlight shown on me.

Mike has held my hand through this whole nightmare and I have seen a side of him I have never seen before and this has made me fall more deeply in love with him, if that is even possible.

I thank God everyday for him. I am truly blessed.Lets face it, not many women can claim that someone like Mike has cleaned up their vomit. Not many women have had their man write songs about them. ( I have been listening to Invincible alot lately for some reason, I never listen to his music,for some reason I need to hear some of those songs, to just re-affirm things in my own mind I guess)

I am lucky and I know that.I feel blessed everyday and the fact I am still alive right now is a miracle in itself.

To be alive and to be in love are two of the greatest gifts. I still have a long road as far as treatment goes, but what is left of the tumor after surgery is shrinking fast and they are pretty sure it will continue to shrink. If it does not ever come back I will be as good as gold. So lets pray it is leaving for good.

Thank you all for your prayers through this shitty time and I love and miss you all.