Long way home

Since this will be my last post till after the big HoLidAy, I have a lot to cram in here..So if you have Jesus in your heart, you can make it thru till the end..



May God be gentle with the ones who cant make it...



It seems my plan of letting my dear Blondie stay home Monday back fired on me, as the school called me Tuesday afternoon cause the lil whippersnapper was a tad feverish..



She is still running a low temp, and school rules are u can not attend school if u have a fever in the last 24 hours..



So her perfect attendance record was torn by me, and shattered by the bug ailing her tiny blonde body..



So this makes a school week of missing 2.5 days...Go me..I am one kick ass mom..hell yeah.



~

In my last post, someone referred to me as the cookie Nazi..and it reminded me of a somewhat humorous story...I mean it might just be one of those situations where u just had to be there, but I am going to enlighten you anyway..



Ok, picture this.



I am preggers with Blondie so its eight years ago. My mom has this friend whom is a BIG timer into breast feeding and getting the word out that your kids will be retarded and you don't love them unless they suckle your bossom..



She had dropped me off some books because I had made mention I was thinking of breast feeding this kid...ya no, to cut my costs down..



I had tried with the boy, but well...the kid didn't like boobs then and he don't like boobs now...



Anyway, I had leafed thru her books and did some reading and whatnot on it..and thought I would try it..



So the day I had her, a nice chilly Feb. afternoon, I was holding her in my arms and decided I would shove the boob in her mouth and feed my young..



I tried the football hold, and any of u moms who breast fed, know what this is..



Well, I was tired and she was being bitchy so I called the nurse in to help me fiddle around with the whole situation..



She was no help, so I told her to just bring a bottle of Jack D for me and some Enfamil for the tot..



I was worried about this friend of my moms, cause if she found out I had put a bottle in my kids mouth, she would prolly put spikes in my tires..



I called my mom and told her NOT to tell her I had the baby, as I did not want her showing up at the hospital...



Well too late, not more then did I get the sentence out, and there she was..hovering over me and my bottle fed infant.



Oh the shame...



She told me when I got home she would come over and help me get it all figured out. I told her that would be fine..knowing full well I would NOT be calling her..



Well three days went by and my crotch was on fire, my hemorrhoids were flaring and my boobs were leaking...So I was not in the best of moods.



My dad came by to take another peek at his newly born granddaughter and low and behold the woman shows up..



I let her in and tell her baby is sleeping and she is hard to keep awake because she has jaundice and needs to be kept under her bili blanket till she is 20..and my tot needs her rest..



She went on about the booby feeding for a while then left..Telling me, I mean warning me, she would be back..



My dad says to me..



what the hell is she the nipple Nazi?



yeah..so there is my story..



~



But that brings me to some thoughts...I was thinking back on that time and it was hard for me to remember Blondie being a baby. I mean I look thru the photo albums and I see them as babies, but I have a hard time remembering the feeling, the sleeplessness, the smell...everything..Its all a distant memory.



Even Boo, and she is four now..I look at her little body and I just have a hard time picturing her as a baby..



And the boy...forget it...



The only way I know for sure I was pregnant for him, is the fact my torso is covered in stretch marks, cause before him you could bounce a quarter off my rock hard abs..



This kid will be 11. I think to myself, self, where the fuck has the time gone..



I look at them and I know they are mine, I know I birthed them..but I just wish their formative years were not such a distant memory..Why does it go so fast?



WHy cant the first Christmas last forever?



Why do they have to grow and get mouthy and sass me?



Why am I stuck dealing with teachers who treat my baby bad?



Why did the toffee I made today turn out like shit?



So this is a friendly reminder to those of you with babes..



Breast feed or the nipple Nazi will visit...



and make sure u keep a running tab of shit the kids do thats cute...cause one day u will forget all of it...



~



Now this brings me to the crap I bought shaky for xmas..



He has been bugging for this for YEARS...and I have been putting it off because to me it just seems weird.



He is getting and Xbox 360, but thats not it..



He is getting Guitar Hero...but that's not it..



This man has been up my ass for years about getting one of these..



He really has a scrotum sack filled with what I suspect are ovaries...but thats beside the point..



After years of waiting, begging, pleading his case...I finally bought him..a













Sewing machine.

Not only am I kick ass mom, but one stellar of a wife...

Chew on that...

Happy Holidays....

Kiss on my list

I figured being in the spirit of the holiday giving season, I would do something I had not done before.







Being I have three tots, and all three tots have teachers, I thought it might be nice to make a tin full of my world famous sugar cookies, some peanut butter balls and some toffee..I am a kick ass mom/wife/asshat that way







Anyhoo, I have never really given a teacher a gift since the boy was in Kindergarten, and i only did it then because hell, it was the only teacher...and i painted her a Xmas ornament, because I am crafty and super talented that way..







Anyhoo again, it is hard for me to want to do anything nice for my sons teacher, as she has proclaimed with mighty force that he is her class project. But I am looking past her snaggle teeth, her 5 o'clock shadow and the part of her gut I saw gapping thru her moo-moo at conferences...







because I am a holy Christian gal, and am looking past all that....







and Jesus would want me to make her diabetes flare I am sure...







So I will be spending the better of the next two days in my kitchen baking...







Then the rest preparing my body for the alcohol shock it may or may not receive in the next two weeks, with parties and then new years...I don't want to leave any stone unturned .







~







Another reason I am a good mom, and yes, I do have more then one reason why..







My Blondie in the early morning hours of Monday said her tummy hurt..She ate her Cheerios and proceeded to get ready for school. I asked her if her tummy still hurt, she said not really.







So I told her to take the day off anyway...This hard core second grader has not missed a day yet...So, I single handledly broke her perfect attendance record..yeah me.







~







Then this morning I was making myself some egg whites for breakfast...I do fancy egg whites.







As I was cutting into them I noticed in the innards of my eggs were still juicy and runny. Totally growdy I know, like barf me out.







BUT, because I had not eaten since about 1pm the previous day, I was in no mood to be so discriminate against my food..so down the hatch it went.







And kid you not, I have had a galloping case of the GI trots all damn day...







Nothing like getting to read my new bottle of lotion....







Salmonella, getting me reacquainted with my bottles of lotion and shampoo.








and holy poop, I just looked and this is my 1,002 post...I need a life.





Amen and happy holidays...

crap, another edit....his teacher will NOT be getting shit now...

the boy lost his spelling words for the week and the ole hag refuses to make him another copy, said she only made 20 copies and thats ALL she is making..

I will be not only having words with her in the AM, but the Principal as well.

sonofabitch.

no cookies for you.

Wrap up

Well, lets see...Turkey Day was good...I ate a lot, my pants wont zip no more, so I just don't bother wearing pants now.

Here is a pic of some shit.....I mean food..

Here is my world famous pumpkin pie...

This is my papoose...her name is Morning Rose

Yea so, that's Thanksgiving...

~

Over the weekend the hubby and I did the event that causes more fighting then anything..

After nearly 13 years of being tied down, I mean married...we fight about this every year..

Not about money, raising kids, religion, politics, driving over the speed limit, and whether or not it is a good night to make whoopee...

Is the hanging of the greens...

The lights, we always fight over the damn, freaking, stupid ass lights...

I want to take them, and make a nice tight decorative necklace for him..

I don't, but I wanna.

Here is our tree.

So, yea...thats that....We are all still alive...

But men are stupid when it comes to Christmas decorations and lighting...

So if your a man, don't even bother...you wont hang it right, your wont string it right..you might as well go eat worms and die.

~

Here is some proof Shaky went kareoking with me a few weeks ago.

There are some of me and OCG...we call her mumbles cause she doesn't sing, she just likes to stand there and take my glory.

~

This coming from a nice Christian family...this coming from a child whom is 4 and has been going to Sunday school since she was an embryo..

The hubby asked Boo who Jesus's Mom was..

she said

"well Lucy...Duh"..

Amen and seasons greetings

every rose has its..

Well, it seems I may be becoming an addict. To what you may be wondering..

the booze
the drugs
the sex
the tattooing
the def leppards
the piercings
the sunshine..

nah, sure some of them maybe...

But, it seems all I ever think about, dream about even is Chinese food.

I am having Mr Shaky make me some homemade wonton soup STAT.

I am not sure what the sudden fascination is, but I aint complaining.

~
Things are still up in the air regarding the house in the homeland. I do not know whats going on with it...Frankly, I don't give a damn anymore.

~
I am starting to get a tad nervous. I still have not received my tix for the Leppard show in Detroit yet. I am leaving for there in about two weeks. I need them BEFORE I leave.. I will be writing a very strongly worded letter to ETIX if they do not arrive soon.

~
Remember when I told you about our little individual meetings last Monday with Barracuda and Baboon?..Normally we get paid for such meetings, but Dillyweed and I noticed we did not, so she calls them, and Baboon answers. This is Dillyweed

so, i was just wondering if we were getting paid for our meetings Monday as it is not on our time sheets

well dillyweed, we felt we should not have to pay you for those meetings as we were paying you when you were writing the letter..

can you even believe that crap?

I need to get out of there now...I mean yesterday..

I think after my trip to the homeland I will not be returning...I cant..I am going insane, and these two ladies are not ever going to forget about that letter...

They are spineless wenches whom will have to answer to the Big Man when there day comes...which is not soon enough

Nothing but douche bags are they...

~

Well I have my weight at a point where it is almost OK to join weight watchers again. I wanted to drop a few so I could join without being embarrassed of my fat ass.

Soon, I can join soon....once I join I will be posting weekly pics so we can track my progress....Maybe nudey pics..

OK, NEVER nudey pics...I don't want to scare any of you good patrons away.

~
I need to go buy some fireworks.

With any luck I will blow a finger off, then I can collect SSI for the rest of my life..

If I blow off at least three appendages, I may be able to collect lawsuit money too..

Think about this on this upcoming holiday, blowing off a few fingers could make your days of being a stay at home mom worry free..Sure you will drop the bottles and not be able to pour the milk, as you can not hold those things with no fingers..

but damnit...the compensation outways the negatives by a long shot..

just think about it.

Flip Flop Momma..Peace Out..bea-oches