Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Long way home

Since this will be my last post till after the big HoLidAy, I have a lot to cram in here..So if you have Jesus in your heart, you can make it thru till the end..

May God be gentle with the ones who cant make it...

It seems my plan of letting my dear Blondie stay home Monday back fired on me, as the school called me Tuesday afternoon cause the lil whippersnapper was a tad feverish..

She is still running a low temp, and school rules are u can not attend school if u have a fever in the last 24 hours..

So her perfect attendance record was torn by me, and shattered by the bug ailing her tiny blonde body..

So this makes a school week of missing 2.5 days...Go me..I am one kick ass mom..hell yeah.


In my last post, someone referred to me as the cookie Nazi..and it reminded me of a somewhat humorous story...I mean it might just be one of those situations where u just had to be there, but I am going to enlighten you anyway..

Ok, picture this.

I am preggers with Blondie so its eight years ago. My mom has this friend whom is a BIG timer into breast feeding and getting the word out that your kids will be retarded and you don't love them unless they suckle your bossom..

She had dropped me off some books because I had made mention I was thinking of breast feeding this kid...ya no, to cut my costs down..

I had tried with the boy, but well...the kid didn't like boobs then and he don't like boobs now...

Anyway, I had leafed thru her books and did some reading and whatnot on it..and thought I would try it..

So the day I had her, a nice chilly Feb. afternoon, I was holding her in my arms and decided I would shove the boob in her mouth and feed my young..

I tried the football hold, and any of u moms who breast fed, know what this is..

Well, I was tired and she was being bitchy so I called the nurse in to help me fiddle around with the whole situation..

She was no help, so I told her to just bring a bottle of Jack D for me and some Enfamil for the tot..

I was worried about this friend of my moms, cause if she found out I had put a bottle in my kids mouth, she would prolly put spikes in my tires..

I called my mom and told her NOT to tell her I had the baby, as I did not want her showing up at the hospital...

Well too late, not more then did I get the sentence out, and there she was..hovering over me and my bottle fed infant.

Oh the shame...

She told me when I got home she would come over and help me get it all figured out. I told her that would be fine..knowing full well I would NOT be calling her..

Well three days went by and my crotch was on fire, my hemorrhoids were flaring and my boobs were leaking...So I was not in the best of moods.

My dad came by to take another peek at his newly born granddaughter and low and behold the woman shows up..

I let her in and tell her baby is sleeping and she is hard to keep awake because she has jaundice and needs to be kept under her bili blanket till she is 20..and my tot needs her rest..

She went on about the booby feeding for a while then left..Telling me, I mean warning me, she would be back..

My dad says to me..

what the hell is she the nipple Nazi? there is my story..


But that brings me to some thoughts...I was thinking back on that time and it was hard for me to remember Blondie being a baby. I mean I look thru the photo albums and I see them as babies, but I have a hard time remembering the feeling, the sleeplessness, the smell...everything..Its all a distant memory.

Even Boo, and she is four now..I look at her little body and I just have a hard time picturing her as a baby..

And the boy...forget it...

The only way I know for sure I was pregnant for him, is the fact my torso is covered in stretch marks, cause before him you could bounce a quarter off my rock hard abs..

This kid will be 11. I think to myself, self, where the fuck has the time gone..

I look at them and I know they are mine, I know I birthed them..but I just wish their formative years were not such a distant memory..Why does it go so fast?

WHy cant the first Christmas last forever?

Why do they have to grow and get mouthy and sass me?

Why am I stuck dealing with teachers who treat my baby bad?

Why did the toffee I made today turn out like shit?

So this is a friendly reminder to those of you with babes..

Breast feed or the nipple Nazi will visit...

and make sure u keep a running tab of shit the kids do thats cute...cause one day u will forget all of it...


Now this brings me to the crap I bought shaky for xmas..

He has been bugging for this for YEARS...and I have been putting it off because to me it just seems weird.

He is getting and Xbox 360, but thats not it..

He is getting Guitar Hero...but that's not it..

This man has been up my ass for years about getting one of these..

He really has a scrotum sack filled with what I suspect are ovaries...but thats beside the point..

After years of waiting, begging, pleading his case...I finally bought him..a

Sewing machine.

Not only am I kick ass mom, but one stellar of a wife...

Chew on that...

Happy Holidays....


Katie said...

I hate people who can't accept your decisions for what they are, your decisions.

just_tammy said...

There are people still sleeping in this hand so I had to slap my hand over my mouth to stifle the laughter! Where does one even begin...

I started out with a knowing smirk at the fever story, about peed my pants at the nipple Nazi tale, sadly agreed about the 'where does time go' bit, sighed over your toffee and my caramels (what went wrong?!), and then completely lost it over hubby's sewing machine! That was your plan from the start...

Merry Christmas, Bossy and all her blogger friends! Had to say it here since you aren't politically correct - thank goodness!

Scarlet said...

The Nipple Nazi. LOL I had one of those in my neighborhood. Funny, how she didn't have a thing to say to me BEFORE the baby was born, but then when she saw me bottle feeding him, all hell broke loose from the hole in her face!

Yeah, it's a good idea to breast feed if you can. I happened to be on medication, but I don't feel I have to explain to everyone WHY I'm not exposing myself to feed my child. Let the women at La Leche League hate me; I don't care.

Happy Holidays...Merry Christmas! Felicidades, Christina! Tell your hubby to sew you a nice sun dress so you can wear it when you visit me in Florida! ;)

Jessica Foster said...

Nipple Nazi! What a freak!

But I gotta ask, why does your husband what a sewing machine? Is he going to make some curtains or something??

Flip Flop Momma said...


well good golly, I just tickeled your fancy all over the place..haha

This woman was the president of the local LL she was super hard core;)

A sundress?..hahaha..I will have him get on that..

As a matter of fact, he does want to make curtains..

what a loser huh?..ha

1 plus twins said...

what in the world does your hubby want a sewing machine for??? i get the other presents but i don't get the sewing maching at all!! that is funny. believe me i have encountered many nipple nazi's adn i even breast feed my kids. it became them telling i didn't do it long enough or right or whatever. they need to mind their own business. your right, time flies by! i love my kids but i so miss those early years and hate that we forget so much of it! hope blondie gets better and hopw it doesn't hang around like mine has, i am still miserable! happy holidays since you won't be around till after the holiday. hope you and your family have a wonderful and i hope your hubby gets you some cool shit too. lol

Flip Flop Momma said...

I think he thinks he is crafty, which i have never encountered...

I already got my gift, remeber my 200 dollar leppard guitar;)

Haphazardkat said...

Nipple Nazi...bwahahahahahahaaaaa!!!!!!
*wheeze* hah ha ha ha ha!

Ya know...they make Hello Kitty Sewing machines....just sayin...

Hydes Like Us said...

I must have Jesus in my heart...

Have a happy Christmas Flip Flop Family.


Flip Flop Momma said...

hahahaha....I bet he would love that;)

well Jesus loves u..

Happy Holidays 2 u and yours girl;)

No_Newz said...

That was a chuck full o love blog if ever I saw one. Happy this that and the other to you and yours.

patti_cake said...

I LOVE that Shaky wants a sewing machine and even more that you are getting him one!

Oh Nipple Nazis irritate the SHIT out of me. My milk never came in and I was GLAD. GLAD. Hah.

Hope Blondie is feeling better fast! Hope your fam has a very very Merry Christmas!

Cheeky said...

I think I love your Dad....

Flip Flop Momma said...

ha..yup...and the same to you and yours;)

yup, nipple nazi are nothing but trouble;)

he is pretty funny huh?..

MOMMY said...

lol. omg- your train of thought cracks me up. let me know when you are back from vacation- i'll be wanting to read more! :)
Merry Christmas to you and yours!!

Slick said...

A sewing machine? hell girl, you might as well buy him some purple glittery material too! ;)

You attempted to make toffee? Get outta here! I love that stuff.

I might be a Nipple Nazi...maybe.

Flip Flop Momma said...

ha, I have no train of thought;)

I will be back after xmas...thanks 4 stopping by;)

I always pegged u for a nipple nazi..always..

Bradley's Mom said...

Hi FF!

I, too, made it through to the end!

I LOVE all your stories! And I think it's GREAT that you are getting Mr. Shaky the sewing machine he wants! Hobbies and interests should NOT be gender-related......let him enjoy!!!

As for the nipple Nazi......being helpful is one thing, being pushy and obnoxious is another! The nerve of her!!


I hope your holidays are wonderful!!

May you and your family enjoy the many blessings of the season!


themuttprincess said...

Your hubby wants A SEWING MACHINE? That is funny in and of itself. Then add a nipple nazi to the mix and you have yourself rip roaring funny shit going on there!

I never breast fed my son. Didn't even occur to me. My bad.

Flip Flop Momma said...

Ma Linda,
I have hard time not laughing with him wanting a sewing machine;)

Nipple Nazi's are just wrong;)

shame, shame, shame on u..if the nipple nazi finds out it didnt even occur to you, ur in deep shit:)

Humincat said...

You know, I've been thinking about this lately. How come I can breastfeed my kids, because I understand it is the best for them and free and easier, and yet, KNOW that whatever you do is good too? Why do some women like the LLL people get all asshappy about it? I also use tampons instead of pads, because they are better, and yet, have never felt the need to convert anybody or offer to "help" them out. I really think some people are NUTS!!
Merry Christmas to you and your wonderfully cooky husband!

Flip Flop Momma said...

yea, tampons rock..

although i thought they were bad cause u can get toxic shock..

I have not used a pad since i was 12;)

Wendy said...

I felt so guilty asking for the bottle after trying to get The Boy to eat from the boob. Why do they do that to you?

I got the hubs and Xbox for Father's Day but you better believe I took that bitch back when we split up!

Merry Christmas!

Neurotic1 said...

Hey if Shaky can hem some pants I'll gladly pay the fee. I'll take the Xbox and guitar hero for giving him the joy of having a first customer!

Oh I remember that damn football hold too. Assholes in the hospital made me feel guilty for putting Dorcas on a bottle! Too bad for them my hormones were raging~they each got a piece of me~and no~not my boobies :)

Rachel said...

A nipple Nazi!! LOL

It is too bad the time goes by so fast and they grow up far too quickly. I expect every mother feels the same.

I think a sewing machine is a worthy thing for your hubby!! If he enjoys it that could work out real well for you!!

May you and yours have a wonderful Christmas!!!

Emma Sometimes said...

hhehe, the Nipple Nazi...she came to my freaking room too.

And they always come by when you most itch where they shaved you clean. I BF four and it hurt like a mother...but leaky, I KNOW. I had some serious PSI going on, I could put out large house fires.

I hope you and the bees and Mr Shakey all have a super Christmas!!

Southern Sage said...

for the love of Darwin, for all idiocrat voters, You didn't buy Mr. Shakey Dungarees a sewin machine?????
someone thought I was interesting and set me up a blog

Have a wonderful Christmas, or Holiday season for the idiocrats.

Doozie said...

I'm really at a loss for words here which is odd. But I will tell you this. Nipple's are large and dark, and I just sneezed and there is a little wet spot on the bed

Lucy Stern said...

I nursed all three of my kids....It was different with each on of them....It does take work so you need to be prepared for the challange....

Sewing machine? Who is going to use it, you or him? Does he actually sew or did you make that up? Just remember, what goes, around comes around.

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Flip Flop Momma said...

yup,I woulda took the fucker back too..ha

wanna come guitar hero with me?

im still a little unsure on this sewing machine bidness;)

haha..yes...I had enough leakage to put out a small campfire too;)

ok...I did....but it...I need new curtains..

ok, now I am speechless.

nope, he really wants one..for real..

Me and a sewing machine would go about as well as a goldfish and a baracoda;)

aatank said...

Sorry to hear about blondie not feeling well...she's just learning how to fake it.

Nipple Nazi~thank God I didn't have any of those people in my life. Fiquring out how to keep them happy from minute to minute was hard enough. Now I just wish I had 1 day back when they were that small.

I had food issues also so I feel your pain.

I can so see your hubby wanting a sewing machine. Ties are expensive and just think of the money you will save with him making all of the clothes for the family.

Have a Merry Christmas and A very Happy New Year!

1 plus twins said...

wait a minute, you got a 200 guitar yes but you got him x-box 360 plus guitar hero guitar and game and sewing machine!! that dollar amount doesn't match up!! i sure hope he gets you more presents!!! lol

Flip Flop Momma said...

well, I dont think he is going to make clothes, (gawd I hope not)..he wants to make curtains and such...totally gay..haha

well see, the Xbox is a combined gift for kids and him from me and my mom..we each paid really it will equal out cause I got GH for half price, cause I am a good bargin shopper that way:)

but he still better buy me some shit....

Packof2 said...

I can't imagine breast feeding:)


Meow (aka Connie) said...

Hey there, sorry I haven't been by for ages, but for some reason your blog won't register with Google Reader, so I have to remember to check BLoglines, and you're the only one on it !!
Anyway, no excuse really !!
I'm just dropping by to say HI, and to wish you and yours a very Merry Christmas and a safe and Happy new Year.
Take care, hugs from this side of the world to that one !!

Cliff said...

Okay, I'll admit that not once in my 57 years have I heard someone on the golf course say, "I sewed up this lovely pantsuit for my wife and she like it so much I got lucky."
Maybe this year.

Flip Flop Momma said...

nope, me either;)

thats ok...yours freezes on me dont worry..have a great xmas deary;)

I swear, he better not make me a pant suit....

JoeInVegas said...

hey - I was in our local T@rget store yesterday, and guess what was in the electronics section? A whole pile of those fancy special guitars, marked down to half price 'cause nobody was buying them. Guess people in Vegas have no faith.

Flip Flop Momma said...

I was at my target last night, they only had two to start with, in the discount ailse was the guitar for I the only one?...damn, thats sad;)

Tom said...

Why wouldn't you want to wear a pant suit?
You could get a beehive cut, and glasses with the chain around your neck and instead of karaoke, you could do bingo and maybe make money! You'd need lucky trolls though and a pack of pall malls (like my gram...actually she smoked trues)

Flip Flop Momma said...

well crap, your plan sounds wonderful, but I dont smoke..

and trolls scare me


dakotablueeyes said...

Merry Christmas!

Granny said...

Great post. I've never understood why people can't keep their noses out of the business of others (barring something horrible of course).

Have a wonderful Christmas. Hope your girl is completely well by then.

IamDerby said...

scrotum sack filled with ovaries! Oh I just cant wait to work that into a sentence around here. You crack me up!

Southern Sage said...

You are up..... Bossy Bitch!!!

Now send some folks to me!

Merry Christmas

I'm just sayin.......