Have u ever needed someone so bad

I had a post up, about how my MIL was coming for a visit and how she is crazy and about how my grandpa cant be in Boo's band because as she says..well he is dead..

Cant very well be in your 4 year old great granddaughters imaginary band when your six feet under, now can u?

I am not bitter about the fact my grandpa cant play in her fake band, just disappointed I cant call him and tell him she wanted him to be in it.

Moving on though, I am about to write about some crap that is starting to, well,make my boobs bigger.

Its only making them bigger because it is causing me to have the urge to eat a cinomlet every 4.7 seconds, and holy shit...that would make any ones boobs a tad, well, swollen.

Here is a list, in no order mind you, of why I hate people, and why some may feel I am not a good Christian lady folk.

* I want to find the ass wipes who rented my house in the homeland and shove sandpaper up their anuses and then force feed them Metamucil by the gallons.

I got a bill in the mail from the city of that state telling me my city bill is past due and that I owe damn near close to 1,000 smakera'ros.

Killthem...they all must die, but they will die with blood running out of their asses, so this pleases me.

*When my Boo was picked up from her tot school, I had a letter informing me that I owe them a total of $85.00 for the fall fundraiser. I guess me paying 100 bucks a month for Boo to learn her numbers and to learn to hold a pencil is not good enough...I need to pay them for fundraisers.

I think fundraisers are crocks of shit, unless its for a baby who is blind or a some morbid shit that only God controls...

So I am thinking of telling them I will participate in said fundraiser, then buy one thing and call it good. After all, I am in the mood for a shitty fundraiser candy bar, it will only help the swolleness of my boobies, and some guys like that.

*The state of Michigan is threatening to shut the govt down during the days Mr Shaky will be there to do business at a state govt office..

I guess Governor Jennifer Granholm is unaware that the money I paid for the flight to that shitty state is non fucking refundable and Mr SHaky better damn well be able to walk into the Seceratary of States office the day he needs to...Or you too will have the sandpaper shoved up your bung hole...along with razor blades and a Payday Candy bar.

*I went to do Karaoke Wednesday night, sober mind you, and there was this woman who came in, I swear may God strike me down if this woman didn't look like Janis Joplin, only, she had NO teeth, none, zip, zero nada...she is ALL gums. I jokingly said to my pal that it would be funny if she sang Bobby Magee..

motherhellno...she did...and she was awesome.

don't judge a book by its Janis Joplin looking shell, because holy shit, it was her, in the flesh....Plus she told me that I sang Desperado so well, she thought I MUST be in a band....

thank you, thank you toothless lady, your kind words touch me, but go get some dentures. thank you.

*My MIL is coming for a visit, because holy shit, she knows how much this ho loves company.

at 5:30am Monday morning when my daycare tot comes, we are making a B-line for their sleeping quarters, because holyshit, its my house and my business and that's where we play...

so get a fucking hotel..

and, I still don't have salt, I don't use it....but you go ahead and buy me some salt anyway, because I know it does wonders for both your blood pressures.

But take the shit home with you when u go, or I will use it to melt the ice on my porch next month.

*Why the hell aren't my leaves changing colors? I do like fall, I love raking leaves and I love the colors...but all the leaves in this state are just dropping with no color changing.

hello, Mother Nature, should I contact Al Gore about this, is this a Global Warming issue, or did you just forget to make it rain all summer and now my trees have chlorophyll issues and not changing colors?..let me know, because I feel like fighting and Al Gore will do, because I know Global Warming is HIS fault...because he is has a beard and drives a hummer.

* Dr Oz and Oprah, now is my poop suppose to float or sink? I forgot. I just want to make sure I am getting enough fiber. This has been bugging me and I am too embarrassed to Google it.

don't have a Dr on tv telling me I need to break wind 15 times a day and my poo is suppose to either float or sink, otherwise I am gonna die of hemorroid cancer.

I have had it for today....My ticker can not take any more trauma or I will be in the same boat as my grandpa, and I wont be in Boos imaginary band either. I am suppose to be the drummer golldarnit.

And the Janis Joplin lady already thinks I am in a band..I mean, it only makes sense..

Next week I can assure her I am indeed IN a band.

Thank you, thank you very much.


Have a good weekend....I will be laying face down in a Kareoke bar before Monday hits..that outta impress the ole MIL..

easy operator coming knocking on my door

As I continue to choke down that shitty toothpaste, because A I am too cheap to throw it out and B too lazy to run it WallyWorld to replace, I just thank God I still have teeth, cause I saw more people today with no teeth then I ever have before. To tell you the truth, I wanted to stick pacifiers in their mouths, because holy shit, babies are the only humans that are suppose to NOT have a full set of teeth.

I mean one or two missing teeth is one thing, I mean maybe they are former hockey players, or maybe they were caught in the woods for days on end and had to use rocks to brush their teeth. Or Or how bout this....they wanted a shark tooth necklace, but had no shark so they pulled one of their own teeth.

Anyway, its just gross..

My dog is either dying a slow death because of the rat poison I put in her kibble or she has the stomach flu.

She has been leaking runny dog poo from her anus all day. I mean she sits ON MY FRESHLY CLEANED Berber carpet,which by the way stains even if a tear drops on it, so for a period today it looked as though someone kindly spilled hot coco on my white Berber carpeting...

Good news is, I got it out...with a little elbow grease..and rubber gloves..

And then she kindly upchucked on my daughters hard wood floor.

I am kicking her right now as we speak.

That'll teach her.

I will leave you with more pics from Saturday nights fiasco of drinking and Karaoke.

I know u love that shit.

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That about sums that crapola up...There now its almost like you were there...

We had fun, right?

Now I have to go brush my teeth with my St.Ives Scrub that taste like horse manure with rotten cinnamon stick in it..

yeehaw.

Rise and gather round, rock this place to the ground

I have mentioned a many a time how I have managed to birth three of the most retarded kids..I mean that with great love and affection BTW..

But Saturday night I did something so stupid that it tops anything the kids could do..

Ya see, I have this stuff here..

I bought it about a week ago, it was on sale and I fancy the Oil of Olay shit, so sue me.

I have to do everything I can to help fight age, as I am 32 years old, and I am a sun worshiper...

So I throw it in my cart and go about my merry way.

Fast forward to Saturday, I am getting out of the bathtub, in preparation for my night on the town...

I get out and I dry off..I need lotion..where the hell is my lotion?

I find the trusty Oil of Olay shit I bought a few nights before..I squeeze it and rub it vigorously onto my freshly shaven legs..

The shit wont rub in?

I am thinking that this must be some pretty damn good lotion because it is taking a while to rub in all the way..

After about a minute or so of trying to rub this in, I look at the bottle and its fucking Body Wash.

I was trying to rub body wash into my nice dry skin..

I swear to God I thought I was purchasing lotion.

sonofabitch.

Since I am talking about products, I thought it has been a LONG while since I gave u updates on stuff I buy that sucks..

I have one for you now...ready..

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Now let me give you a little background on me and tooth care products in general.

I am fussy when it comes to tooth brushes, mouth wash and toothpaste.

You come here and ask anyone of my three retarded kids, they will tell you I make them brush their teeth at LEAST twice before they leave for school, then I go in and re-do it for them..

Its insane, I know..BUT, they have NEVER had a single cavity..at ages 10,7 and 4, I say that's pretty fucking good.

And I have not had a cavity since I was 11, and the only reason I have the ones I do, is because I had braces and it hurt like a bitch to brush hard in the back ..I have a sensitive mouth or a low tolerance of pain..whatever.

So getting back to my story, I buy this along with a new brush..I by myself new brushes about every 6 weeks..I hate using the same tooth brush any longer then that.

I see Crest Pro Health and think to myself,

self, this looks like good shit..LOOK, it helps prevents germs,cavities, whitens and it helps sensitive teeth..all in one...this is like the mother load.

SO I get the cinnamon flavored one, because I admit it, I do fancy the cinnamon toothpaste. So shoot me.

So that night I am so excited to use not only my new brush, but my new paste.

I gob it on, because I am a gobber..

I start brushing..

Then it hit me.

This shit taste like sand with a rancid cinnamon stick crumbled inside it.

If you can get past the taste, then you have to deal with the aroma.

I don't know, I have never ever ran across a toothpaste that tasted bad. ever.

So, if your browsing thru the toothpaste aisle of your local establishment don't buy it.

It taste like horse manure. With a touch of sand and rancid Cinnamon sticks, because I am sure the sticks must be in it, mearly because of the constancy of the whole paste.

Its thick, its crunchy..

It sorta looks like that Saint Ives Apricot Face scrub.

Only I bet that taste better.

We will We will ROCK U

Ever since I had the grim misfortune of watching that horrifying movie snakes on a plane it seems things are out to get me. Not snakes per say, but those 8 legged fuckers who creep up on u and spin webs.

For three damn mornings in a row now, when I am done with me shower,Iopen my shower curtain and low and behold there is a HUGE ass spider staring at my boobs..Like it was watching me shower, just giggling and laughing to himself..I spot him, and if I had a drop of urine left in me, it sure as shit would be running down my tub drain.

I get out, I am assuming I let out some sort of ghastly scream and I tell Shaky I am moving out ASAP.

I cant deal with it anymore.

Plus, on my walks around the lake, I have spotted several snakes, I mean they are dead, but you can clearly see they were a fresh kill. Like if I would have walked or jogged a tiny bit faster, not only would it have strolled across my path, but I may in fact have witnessed the whole slaying.

So all of this puts me on edge. I am going around lurking...Before I fully enter a room, I have to do a brief, but thorough examination of said quarters.

These spiders that pop up outta nowhere are a whitish tan color, and are HUGE..like the size of a quarter or half dollar.

Much to large for me to kill on my own, and I need reinforcements...This is why I have tots. Tots like to kill things.

~

Well, I took my mom out on the town Saturday night with me. Her and I drank WAY too much, and I sang/botched way too many songs.

Here is some proof of the night that caused my mom to have her first hangover in like 15 years.

My friend there, she was our DD..She just sat back,. sipped some cokes and watched us make total horses asses of ourselves.

There is mom and I and our first pitcher..still pretty sober here.

Here is my friend DD, my mom, u all know Dilleyweed, and then me..

A little diddy, bout Jack and Diane, two American kids growin up in the heartland

I saw him standing there by the record machine, I knew he musta been about 17

Mom and I on our 5th pitcher, don't worry, we can still stand, as long as we hold hands.

This is my very good friendsJV and then in the middle is Spazzler..see she use to be my boss, it was us three and Dilleyweed who were canned and now fighting for our unemployment, buts that's a whole nother issue, right folks?

I had this man come up to me and ask if I would like to share a pitcher of beer with him. I told him no, and to move as he was sitting in my moms chair..

This is pretty much what he looked liked..A mix of all three of them.

The sad part is, to him I looked like a woman he could approach. Like he looked at me and thought to himself..

bet I can tap that for sure tonight, I highly doubt anyone else will be after that, she is prolly desperate.

But he was wrong, because a while later I had a dude that looked like this, ask me to dance.

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Truth be told he kinda scared the shit out of me.

Whats a girl to do with so many viable choices?

Go home to Mr Shaky, that's what.

sonofabitch.

Bringing on the Heart B-B-B-break

Ya so, we had a tornado whip thru here this afternoon...





I wont bore you with the details, because there was rain, hail, wind, and flooding in my yard...yadda yadda yadda...





who gives a shit right?





I am going to make this brief as the weekend is approaching and I am getting all psyched up for my Karaoke this weekend. The friend whom was having her bachlorette party last weekend, is getting married this weekend. And her after party is at our local joint where I have been known to perform and knock out some 80's rock...





ANYHOO.....





I was getting Boo ready for school today, curling up her pigtails and her bangs..





no no...trust me, she wasn't slutty...





I asked her how she got to be so cute...Her answer is always the same





God made me dis way momma





So I asked her why God didn't make me pretty like her..





this is her reply





Momma, God made you funny, not pwetty.

So, it was brought to my attention that I am NOT bringing sexy back..

in case your a moron, I am the one in the middle


Sonofabitch

Photograph

My eldest daughter told me something terrifying today.

This is her, pretty much word for word.

There is this boy named Zak, he lives down the street, he told me he has a crush on me, but don't worry, I don't love him or anything.

Oh, you don't love him, thank God..I was trembling in me boots there for a brief moment, thinking maybe you were going to pack up your My Little Pony suitcase and go move in with him and start sharing your pink milk with him using the same straw.

If any little being with a penis, looks at this girl here..

...this fat bitch here with the mic...will fuck u up brotha.

Word to yo mutha.

Demoletion Man

SO, I am still traumatized from seeing that God awful film some ass-nut thought would make a good flick...A real nail biting thriller..



I still wanna kill that sonofabitch.



I find myself looking under the rim of my shitter. Because if any of you have had the misfortune of seeing this movie, you know a snake hides under the rim and bites a mans wanker off.



Granted I don't have a wanker, but I do not need one ripping my tampon out for me.



~



I have a question..



What do you do with the shell of your eggs after you crack them?



Simple enough question, right?



Mr Shaky and I have nearly come to blows with this topic.



You see, when I crack open The Incredible Edible Egg, I put the shell in the trash, where that kinda shit goes.



He , on the other hand, leaves the cracked open EMPTY shell sitting inside the carton, for unsuspecting morons to try and crack open.



This has happen one to many times..I look inside the carton to see how many chicken embryo's I have left.



Seems to be I have three left...Awesome, its three eggs whites for breakfast in the AM, hot diggidy damn.



Morning comes, I stumble into the kitchen, get the eggs out...and all that is there is three fucking empty shells.



I don't get it....



So I give him a good scolding.



And 12.5 years later, he is still doing it.



And it always happens when he is not home for me to kick his nuts in.



Once I went to the eggs, there was at least 6 eggs in there...



I take that back, there were 6 empty shell carcasses where my eggs should be.



So I ask....Why the hell does someone of sound mind and body leave the damn shells in the egg carton?



Please send all correspondents too..



Mr Shaky



54321 ileavetheshellsinthecarton BLV.

Gonna get my ass kicked, MN

5755

Long and Lean

Normally I do not fancy myself a movie buff,nor a movie goer if you will. I will go to see a picture show if the kids pressure me or if Steve Carrell is in a movie and that darling dear man of mine drags me to be entertained.







He loves that guy...







anyway...Sunday night I was browsing looking for something to watch that wont make me have a mini vomit in my throat..(IE the Emmys) because those mini throw ups in your throat burn like heck.




I went to my ole staple, HBO Comedy.





Out of ALL my HBO channels, I fancy this one the best, because it has funny shit, and I like that.
















When I saw the title of the movie playing, I thought to myself..no way.




I then thought it must be some sort of a spoof on it, and its not really THE movie..the one I avoided at all costs when it came out.










because surely this movie would not classify as a comedy, unless someone has a pretty shotty since of humor.





because I knew that shit would get me.







Now before this incident, the scariest flick I have seen was Arachnophobia.










I love scary movies. I mean, I will watch those.







Normally scary movies don't scare me because, holy shit, no way Freddy Kruger is going to be waiting in my dreams to kill me, and if he were, I am a pretty tough chick and could kick his ass anyway.














So, I am never scared...never..unless its a movie that could happen..





take for example Arachnophobia..












You see...this could happen to me.







A rare breed of spider could start procreating in my barn, and single handedly kill every person in town...










that shit could happen folks




no really stop laughing, it could.














SO back to my point.....







I saw a movie that scared the shit out of me.







Snakes on a Plane.










holymotherofGod




I turned it on after it had started,so I don't know why or how the snakes were ON the plane and frankly I don't give a shit.




Every second I kept telling myself..












ok, I am definitely turning the channel now..then an hour goes by.....




I kept watching..




I kept getting creeped.







UNTIL










I saw a huge python constrict a big fat man.





The snake kept wrapping itself tighter and tighter around the guys torso..





















He was bleeding from his mouth and nose and his face was turning beet red and I believe his eyes were about to pop out..










then I turned it.


















Holymotherfuckerno.













I quickly turned the channel, trying to find anything that would make it stop.














pleasemakeitstop.





I kept picturing the snakes, on the plane.


















I was quickly trying to find something, anything.















The next thing I saw was Dr G Medical Examiner.







shit..cant watch that, she is doing autopsy's on dead people..cant do it, not tonight.










Then I see on MSNBC.







BIG MAC: The Story Behind McDonald's




ok..I can safely watch this...I think..




after 2 minutes I have to turn it, because holy shit....they are tyring to kill me too.





honestly at this point I would of settled for porn..







shitshitshit..















SO then I quickly turn it to a true staple.




VH-1 Classic.













Cant go wrong here, no sir ee.








Whats playing?







bark at the moon by Ozzy.





nope..cant deal with now..I am in crisis here..I need something happy God damnit..














where the sam bloody hell are the Teletubbies when I need them..little asslickers.




So I end up turning it on The Weather Channel.







A tried and true friend.




Yea so I had a dream that night that a tornado ripped thru my town and then we had a snow storm ,yes in the same day, and that the snow was so heavy that all the buildings roofs were falling in and killing people.







Then I try and get the kids in my van to ride somewhere, hell if I know where..




And we get to a building and the second we get in it, the twister comes and blows the windows out..






Then the roof collapses with about 100 tons of snow, and I cant find the kids because they are buried under 20 feet of snow.




Thank God I did not have a nightmare about snakes.








Thank God I have The Weather Channel to give me good wholesome dreams.













I need a drink.












































































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i would like to find the son of a bitch who thought this would make an entertaining movie, asshole. I would like to kcik him sqaure in the balls. I bet he was not breast fed as a child..SICKO












The Weather Channel, saving your dreams from snakes, one twister at a time.





sonofabitch

Lady Strange

Well my Friday night Karaoke was a bust. We get there, and there is no karaoke, I was damn near homicidal.

Saturday I went out with a group of friends for a bachlorette party. We went along to nearly every establishments in the city that sells beer ,wine and spirits. By the time we got to the second place, I forgot what town I lived in and my fathers name.

But at our normal spot, they had Honky Tonk Heros. Yes yes, I do not do honky tonk, under normal circumstances..meaning when I am not under the influence of any mind altering shit.

SO it was a DJ and also karaoke. So I was reduced to doing one country tune. Now my friend and I did a duet..We sang 9-5 by Dolly Parton...i know i know..

My solo country debut, I sang the only country song I know.

And I can not even muster up the nerve to type it.

nope..I tried again, and my finger wont allow me to type any of the letter in the song title.

Shit..I am sorry.

~

I am at my wits end with the Berber carpet shit. I rented a carpet cleaner over the weekend. The thing with this type of carpeting is that you will get the stain out, but within 20.5 seconds it re-surfaces....

I got my whole floor clean....and if my dog pisses on it. I.Will.Kill.Her.

withmybarehands.

But, I must admit, right after Mr Shaky rolled it out of here and back to the store, I spilled a whole can of Dt Cherry Coke all over said carpeting.

But I don't mind the smell of cherries.

~
Ok, see if this works..

I found it on youtube...Since I can not type it, nor say it...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3EebObs-vC0&mode=related&search=


good day..I am going to hide under a rock and pray no one I know saw me signing this..or else no one sober did.

motherfucker.
sonofabitch

WHen love and hate collide

As I am looking over at my sofa that my four year daughter is occupying , I wonder what would she do if I ran up to her and screamed in her ear.

She is laying there, sleeping, with a cookie in her hand. You see, that cookie she is holding was my bribe to her in keeping her ass awake.

because I am one of those cool moms that offers you shit to spoil your dinner so you will do what I say.

I am sure she is all worn out from a hard day at preschool. I am sure coloring and pissing yourself can wear one out.

Ok, but in her defense she does not piss herself, but still..

She just lays there, her pigtails dangling down her cheek, one leg dangling off the sofa and she is dreaming.

I am half thinking of grabbing the cookie and eating it. Hell, I gave it to her.

She did not keep her end of the bargain. She does not know how this bribe business works.

I am slightly ashamed and also feel slightly jilted.

Ashamed because my daughter lied..she said that cookie would keep her big brown eyes open..

I feel jilted for trusting her..

Damn her.

Now tonight, as I lay in my bed, with the possibility of getting it on...She will come barging in and say these words..

momma, I cant sweep

She will say SWEEP because as the speech therapist told me, she has trouble with the L's..she replaces them with W's, very common for retards..

yea yea whatever..

so then I will get none, she will lay in my grandpa's old recliner I have in my room, and she will stay awake till, oh about midnight watching South Park and some ruthless comedy show on HBO, cause thats what I do.

Then I will carry her tiny ass down to her big girl bed, twist my ankle because I am sure I will trip over some sort of toy or Dora action figure she has laying about her abode.

All because she would not take me up on this bribe...Because she is not woman enough to keep her word.

All because I think she is cute.

All because just a few minutes ago, before she crashed and burned, she saw a toy on TV and said..

oh momma, that is so totally mine

what the hell?

She also told me that today while at school, she cried because she missed me.

Now if I were to ask her teacher, I am sure their versions would be different. But I am just going to believe that she cried because she missed me...

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See, how can I verbally abuse that?

So even though I wont be getting any tonight, I wont hold it against her. Because having her barge in my room at night, is better birth control then anything I can think of.

Well, I have a cookie to go eat...

someone stole the trike part B

The fella whom walked, I mean rode off with Shaky's bike, was riding it again today. First time I saw him he was on it, riding like he owned it. Second time I saw him, he had another bike. A female bike. He must have a collection of these things. He has more bikes then I do, and I don't dig thru the trash at Central Park.

I tell Shaky he can borrow my wheels to take his morning jaunt, but he is not willing. You want to know why? Because one my wheels are purple and B its a girls bike.

If I were a guy, I would rather ride a female bike because one wrong move and that bar has your scrotum hiked up to your eyeballs.

Its not worth it.....My sac would mean more to me then that, I wouldn't chance it.

~

My buddies and I are looking for a place to get our drunker on and get my Karaoke groove on. The place we normally frequent is having it this weekend, buts its honky tonk night. And me and honky tonk go together about as well as Gonorrhea and my crotch would get along.

Which I am assuming would not mix well.

~
I wanna take this time to talk openly about something...

UNEMPLOYMENT.

yup...they are sticking it to us yet again..

so first they fire four of us because, well, they really gave no reason. But as they were telling us to get our shit and leave, they also told us that we could go to file for unemployment, to which we did..cause holy shit, I cant buy tattoos, beer or karaoke jeans with no money...well I could, its called stealing...

Anyway, first it takes us forever to get it, then they are still fighting Dilleyweeds, then they appeal the rest of ours..

We had a date set with the judge for Sept 27th..

Well today I get a call from the state of 10,000 lakes telling me my former employer can not be available that day for our talk..so they are allowing them to re-schedule.

Just their way of sticking it to us yet again.

I tell u what...they are going to be soooooo sorry come Halloween.

oh and I was looking thru my sitemeter today, and I saw something distrubing.

someone Googled..girls who shove shit up there.

and it brought them right to my site.

I am horrified, yet amused all at once.

Bicycle Race

If I have told my kids once, I have told them a million times. Put your bike in the garage at night, cause holy shit, criminals steal that shit and sell it on EBay.

Well, the kids listen to me better then Ole Shaky cause last night someone stole his wheels.

This is a bike he bought at a yard sale about 2 years ago..Its ugly as shit, but he loved it.

He wakes me up at the crack of dawn...ok, it was like 6:45am to tell me his trike was missing.

"did u have it in the garage?"

"nope"

"dumb shit"

Funny thing about this whole fiasco, is this morning whilst driving my van to get new brakes, I saw the local homeless guy driving around on my mans wheels.

I nearly had urine leak out from my underwear and down my leg.

Why is that funny to me?

Because I am a fucking retard, that's why.

~

I went to the local shithole, i mean diner for breakfast. Its me, Boo and my mother. My mother and I both have diet cokes. After a while she comes and asks if we need more soda, to which I say "fill me little lady"

She takes both or glasses, and brings them back.

My issue with this is...how the sam bloody hell do I know if that's my cup or my moms cup?

I normally chew on my straw in case such occasions arise, but I had not done it yet that morning. I had no idea whose was whose.

My twisted up mind has some sort of deep seeded unrational , completely ignorant issue with drinking someone else's shit. I cant do it.

So I sit and eat, I am thirsty....I am starting to see mirages of tall glasses of diet coke, with chewed straws...Thank God, because I am dying of thirst here.

I know how people trapped in the dessert feel. Those mirages of water and soda's are just plain brutal.

~
Oh, and guess what today is.....

My dogs birthday..

On this day Sept 11, 2004..my shit face of a pup was born.

She is virtually useless.

Now that she is a senior citizen, I think its time to admit her to a nursing home.

She still likes to piddle on my Berber carpet, to which it is nearly impossible to get stains out that...because holy shit, that carpet was made by some sort of hate crime group who is only out to see people buy this shit, then spill water on it..and be totally hosed.

Just to be nice, I will let her shit and piddle on my floor, and today, I wont kick her.

whatever u do, no boobs

I am going to talk about a few things today. I may run off topic, or hell, even flat out make no sense along this post...and so I apologize in advance for any turmoil I may or may not cause.






First of all, I have made mention before about here in this state they say weird shit or even pronounce shit wrong...for example.















*they say Awunt..for aunt..Where I am from u say it like the bug...they don't..I hate it.















* Phy-Ed..pronounced FYE ed...where I come from we call it PHYS ED..because holy shit, it stands for Physical education, and that shit makes sense..what the hell is FYE ed? I have no damn clue.















* and then that brings me to Karaoke. They pronounce Ka ROW-Kee. Where as we say KARE E O KEE..see what I mean again?















they are stupid here.





That also brings me to what I did this weekend. This hoe sang karaoke all Saturday night. The damn sad part is, after a while every time it was my turn and they guy called my name the whole bar started cheering.















Also, the owners wife came up to me in the ladies room to tell me they would be back in two weeks, and they want me to be here.















To which I replied..



For sure bitches.





It does not matter that I could barely walk up to the stage, I still rocked it.















Here is a sample of some of the songs I sang, um butchered




*Benny and the Jets by Elton John


*I hate myself for loving you By Joan Jett


*I cant Dance by Phil Collins




*Someone saved my life tonight by Elton John



* When Doves Cry by Prince









*Bust a move by Young MC

*Funky Cold Mednia by tone Loc


*Everything She wants by WHAM!



*Hotel California by The Eagles.



See..thats just a sampling..and I seemed to have had the Karaoke Gods shining down on me that night..I had a whole table of strangers wanting to dance with me, and come on the dance floor every time I belted out a tune.















I may start my own fan club...












Here are some pics from the night..

I know, after my last boobie fiasco on the world wide web I promised never to show them.





I lied.
































This is a clean shot..no boobs.































































This here, is called..rocking the f*cking house down..

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I keep telling you people I need to start my own chick band...See how damn good I look on the stage? I can not believe the boys in Def Leppard let me walk away assholes.





So I came stumbling home at 2:30am, with bag of Funyouns in tow and a half dranked bottle of diet coke.






Not sure what happen after that.




Then Mr Shaky woke me up early for church.




Amen.





~
Ok, now I am on to another issue. My Gol-damn unemployment.






Saturday afternoon..after opening this letter, my neighbor and I, (shown above, she also got shit canned, ) decided we needed to go out for a good drunker.






We both got these letters telling us our employer is NOW fighting our unemployment and on Sept 27th the judge will be calling us for a tele conference to defend our case.





WTF?





They told us on the day they fired our asses that we could go file for unemployment.


Mind you I was only cleared for payment two weeks ago..






Why do they bother sending you any damn money unless it is agreed upon both sides?





Because, those asshats expect us to pay back ALL the money they have given us, if the judge finds our former employers to be right.





PLUS, up until our call, we have to keep calling in to get our money..WE HAVE TO.

Plus we wont know till 20 days AFTER the phone call what the decision is.




Moments like these I sorta wish that kidnapping and gang beatings were legal.



because I would lay those mother truckers out flat.





sonofabitch.






You do not even wanna know what happen Friday.



It has to do with me, one of my friends up above, and my hubby.



and a bar..






That is all I will say.

Two steps Behind

I had to take Boo to the office of Doctors. She needed a physical for pre-school and because I really suck ass at this mom business, she needed four shots...because she was not up to date....she was very pissed off.

Whilst at the office, I was just sort of looking about the room. I notice on the table, the table I had to lay damn near jack ass naked on last time I was there....It said two things that struck me as ONE terrifying...and B...icky.

On one side of the bottom of the table it said..

Vag Spec..

now does that mean vagina's that are special...or does it mean there are specs of vagina's in there...OR Vag Spec a new type of diabetic needle they store at the bottom of the table..

On the opposite side it said this..

analscope


holyshitno.

my first thought was..

holy shit, I could come to the docs, without suspecting a thing and then BAM they want to do an anal scope.

I then thought of ways I could open the drawer and damage all the analscopes so no one had to receive one.

Then I thought of a few people I wouldn't mind knowing were getting anal scopes.

I will never go to the doctor complaining of ass pain, I know that for certain.

For any of you whom have had the misfortune of meeting my kids...you will have picked up on the fact that Boo cant talk right.

She well...s-s-s-s-s-s-s-tudders.

The doc told me she needs speech therapy PRONTO..

I said..o-o-o-o-o-o-o-k

She said she stammers and she studders.

what the hell is stammer?

Told u guys she would be riding the short bus.

~

I want to talk to you a minute about Berber carpeting.

It sucks.

My house has it in the basement, and in my main floor living room.

It was here when we bought the house, so I did not purchase it on my own free will.

Now it may look nice, but when they tell you its stain resistant, it is not.

I swear it collects anything that lands on your floor.

If you squish a spider, the guts of the inside of said spider will remain on your Berber carpeting until the day you die.

I swear, spilling water onto you carpeting stains it.

To the asslickers who make Berber carpeting...

your stupid.

I am going to be pulling out my carpeting and laying down something new.

I was thinking of football turf or sod.

I do love to mow...it would give me something to do in the winter...

If I were to get turf, well....that would be even better..no mowing needed..

when ever the white chalk lines wore off, I would simply re chalk it..that would give me something to do..


I like chalk..I like the color green, and I like bringing the outdoors in.

That's why Blondie has a pet frog..living in my house..


Don't ask.

Love BITES

So, if you want to see my pics from my big Lepp Fest..too damn bad, that was last post and I am moving on..so, ya, whatever..

I did not run away with them, as I only packed my flip flops, and they required stiletto heels and fishnet stockings...

Which I was darn plum out of...

next year...I tell u...next year..

So the first day of school was Tuesday, I made it home in the nick of time..

Ya so...they had already picked their clothes out and were dressed by the time I got home...so I could do nothing about this..

Boo had her first day as well...For some reason I am a shitty mom and forgot to upload it...

poo-poo on me..

~

This is me and my BFF from MN..We went out bar hoping last Friday...

I have more from that night, but Dilley has them..I need to get copies...

I need to show u my..um...hot friend..

um..yes...anyway..

*

My mom wheels need new brakes...They grind when I press them...I think that's a bad sign.

Oh and its so damn hot out...the spot behind my knees are sweating as well as between my toes and my crotch area, and I am about positive I may have some butt crack wetness ...I am about sure the moisture I am feeling in my bosom area is indeed boobie sweat...

I know...u better go take a cold shower, I am sure u fella's are hot and bothered.

I better enjoy this while I can, as by this time next week it could be snowing.