Wednesday, May 30, 2007

when doves cry

Ok, what I am about to write about is not for the faint or weak of heart. If you have any sort of heart condition, you might just want to pack up your shit and leave now.

I have had a bad few days.

It all has to do with the whole eve eating the apple and God punishing ME for something that happened thousands of years ago..

I have had the worse cramps over the last two days. I mean its been so bad it hurts to sit, and walk.

I lay on my bed and pray for certain death, or menopause.

Then I worry about growing whiskers if I go thru menopause, so then I think death is the best option.

Then as sit on the john and open my beloved box of Tampex ,(as if I have nothing better to do) and read the little insert they give u about inserting this device into your um..hoohaw.

Then as I am reading it tells you what absorbency to use. Mind you , the Playtex people actually think we ladies know how many grams of blood we lose during our menstruation.

If you bleed 6-9 grams you need SUPER PLUS absorbency,I say, if I don't want to leak onto my nice satin thongs, I will use what ever absorbency I see fit.

Who the hell knows how many grams they are letting go of during such times? I sure as hell don't.

All I know is its shit loads from day one to day 2...after day two is pretty much spotty-ness..all days thereafter, touch and go...might have a driblet here and there...

I know what your thinking

..who the hell cares and why is she writing this sick shit..

I don't know..I am in pain and I hate losing blood.

I like blood, especially when it is flowing in my veins and or arteries. I don't like it ending up in my undergarments.

Ok..I am done talking about this..

and my apologies to you and yours for the graphic images I set forth in your feabel little minds.

Well Prince is having a private concert at Macy's the day of the big show at The Target Center..

They are blocking off the whole 8th floor just for this event. If you purchase a $250.00 ticket to this private show, you not only get a ticket to the show later that night, but you also get a a bottle of his new fragrance.

Oh La La..

I want to go to this private showing.

I deserve nothing less then this..

Guess who is NOT going to this show?


A friend from work is going to the show with me, we are going to fork out the 130 bucks for the regular show and pray for the best.

Its almost a good thing Shaky isn't going, as I don't think it would do his ego good seeing me there lifting my shirt and tossing my undies..(clean ones of course) up on the stage..I am not sure why...But I think Mr Shaky is a bit, shall I say..Jealous..

I mean I can not blame him, when Prince sees my nice clothes, and well manicured hair...oh and lets not forget my big ta ta's..he will be all over me like a Richard Gere on a hooker.

Although I think he would more then likely give me a Bible and have me escorted out of the building, it will still be well worth it.

I am not sure if I like this new religious side of him..I liked it much better when he humped the stage and used dirty words and such..

He is too much like Mr Shaky now...

I can get that shit at home...

Keep your flippers wet..


KrazyMom said...

Sucks to be you! I was devastated when I couldn't have anymore biological children...and then I realized NO more periods! Yeah! There is a plus side to everything..teehee!

Hope you are feeling better today. Sit in front of the tv with lots of chocolate, that always helps!

Yarn Tails said...

I know exactly what you mean! Except for mine are coming every two weeks and then throw in 4 weeks then back to two weeks. Oh yes the doctor said I am going through the change. So much other shit is going on too! ugh!! I wish it would just end. This time has been as bad as you except for it lasted 5 freaking days of cramping.

Ok enough about that...hehe

Still dont care for Prince. LMAO

Yippeeskip said...

And on the first day God created Vicodin...

Flip Flop Goddess said...

I would love to sit in front of the tv, but hense, I am expected at the office by 1...such as life.

Yarn Tails,
I would not like getting one every two weeks, that all f-ed up.

well how about Percacet?

patti_cake said...

Actually that is a deal w/ the private concert! I don't like the religious Prince much either.

Girl I am feeling ya on Aunt Flo. She is one beeyotch.

Katie said...

I hate cramps.

1 plus twins said...

i am telling you get that shit ripped out!! i did it 4 yrs ago and man it was the best thing i ever did. no whisker hair either. i wear a little sticker patch for hormones on my belly and man i am good to go. no more murder in the sheets at night. and blood every day and clots the size of softballs!!! it is great!!!

Christie said...

lmao- does it really say that on the insert???

and UCK! Sorry you're having such a horrible period

Ba Doozie said...

OHHHH, one of your funniest posts EVER. By the way, you don't have to wait until menopause to get me.

And your butt gets hairier the older you get. Just thought I'd enlighten you there. Thank god for darkness.

For 250/private show you damn well better get a massage too. I bet his perfume stinks like armpits and sour milk. Please don't be offended that I think that

Flip Flop Goddess said...

aunt flo is one touch beeyach..

i keep trying to tell hubby that its a great deal for the private show, but he just aint buying it.


1 plus twins,
well I dont think they will just go rip it out cuase i tell them too, dont they need a reason?..haha

it really does say that;)

Ba Dozzie,
I dont wanna hear about getting la la la..i aint listneing..

Humincat said...

I have thought that same freakn thing a billion times, WHO the heck measures the leakage? I wouldn't know if it was two grams or two cups or two gallons! Isn't most of it sucked into the tampon or pad or whatever? Shall I wear a cup taped to my thong next time, that should be comfortable! And what if I lay down and the cup spillith over? Ok enough grossness.

Tom said...

Bossy, my best wishes to you on the female stuff, growing up in a house with a mom, 3 sisters and no brothers, and gram and....just one bathroom I sympathize.
Prince is a genious! I saw some good bands in the 70's, The Who (2 weeks after the Cincinatti tragedy) , The Allman Brother several times , I even saw Devo in 82! and there's nothing like the glow of a night at a really good concert. It lasts for months..and sometimes ears still aren't right from a Molly Hatchet show from '80...

lo said...

YOU are too funny!
aka 'I run for Life' friend:)
from Canada to boot!

Scottsdale Girl said...

I did it, and I am sooooo glad.

nora said...

'nuff said.

Chels-Puddle Jumper said...

Being a woman suuuuuuucks. Men do NOT know how luckhy they are. And I really hate bitching to them about any of those symptoms, because either they act like it's no biggy and tell you to suck it up, or they try to comfort you, but just end up looking like total asses about it because they just don't get it.

Don't forget to write you number in permanant marker on the undies you throw up to Prince on the stage. You just might get a phone call....of course, make sure Mr. Shakey doesn't answer the phone. That could be awkward.

Tomscockwhore said...

Periods suck.

I've been having mine since I was 9. NINE - talk about punishment! So let's see, I will be 34 on Tuesday, 9 when I started, that makes 25 FU*&ING years I've been having mine.

I feel ya girl, I feel ya!

PS - I'm on mine this week too, we must be cycling the same. Weirdo.

Cliff Morrow said...

Even though I'm no Prince fan, there were parts of this post that made me want to come up there and go to the concert with you. Tell me one more time about the clothes throwing stuff.

Flip Flop Goddess said...

I know..I always wonered how they thought we woul gauge that anyway? what kind of decie would we be using to track the gush..

you are so right about a concert, a good one will leave u high for a long time..a bad one, sure isnt the same..

I have seen hundreds of great shows..some of the best have been

Elton john



Tina Turner

Def Leppard is always far I have never been dissapointed after 12 plus times seeing them..

Who is Molly Hatchet? someone at work was talking about them too...and I never heard of them/her.

any friend of hers, is well..a freind of mine..and thank you..Canadians


Scottsdale girl,
ok what did u do..

thats my girl..

o u want me to leave your number too?..hehe

I got mine when I was 10..I am 32 I feel your pain..and HAPPY BIRTHDAY incase I forget to tell you later..

ok, I will take my camera phone and give u a play by play..cuz i love you;)

Tom said...

Bossy, back in the 70's there was a "genre" of music called "Southern Rock" the musicians hated the name, because it wasn't a style of music, but more a marketing term because the known bands were all on the same record (remember them?) label which was Capricorn. The bands played different styles of music though. Molly Hatchet was sort of the "metal" type band. I think Blackfoot was a better band, and if you'd like a thrill search youtube for "train train" by Blackfoot. I got to meet alot of the southern guys photographing for Gritz magazine. I should post some shots on my blog...
I have seen some bad shows too..I saw one "midnight rider" hurl all over his Hammond B3 organ. Yeesh!