Friday, January 04, 2008

Babe

The other whilst laying in bed, I was all cozied up on the hubby. He was snoring and I was half ass listening to the late night circuit as it was their first night back, and well, I am always up for a good train wreck..



I find myself dozing off and I cant be having that..So I open my eyes and look around. On our bedroom curtain I see a bug...A big ass huge bug. A spider...The length of it was about as long as my middle finger and the width looked to be mammoth size.



What struck me as odd is, here in Minnesota we don't get bugs this big..and in the winter of all things....



My first thought was I bet this bastard has a family living in my room...



I wake up the Mr and tell him there is a huge ass bug on the curtain and I would much appreciate it if he would smash it to smithereens.



So he stands up and looks at the curtain...I tell him I can see it and its in the crease of said curtain and I advise him to turn the motherf*cking light on so I can tell if the sonofabitch jumps on my bed.



He turns the light on and I look over at the curtain. Hubby heads over there with a shoe. I tell him that shoe wont be big enough because the girth of this spider is wider then said shoe.



He tells me to be quiet.



He rustles the curtain trying to get it to move so he can smash it.



I tell him not to be so hasty when shaking that as if that bug lands on my bed not only will I be beating the tar out of him, but I will also make him a permanent bed in the shed...



He tosses the shoes at the window and the curtain has a good flow going...its swaying in the breeze like it were a warm summers night...



The mother trucking spider is not there now.



So I am panic stricken...Because that means surly the thing has landed on my bed.



But I know I didn't see it move, as my eyes were fixated on it the whole time. And this bastard was big enough that if it were to move locations , I woulda seen it...



Cause I was wide awake by this time....Worrying its family was about to strike from under the bed.



I keep staring over there at the curtain, waiting for it to move .....wanting to get another glance at such a mammoth Midwestern spider...



Hubby says..



are you sure you saw something?



um, I am not a retard and I know when I see a spider tthhiisss big climbing on my curtain.



how big



tthhhiiisss big



oh your full of crap, u didn't see a dang thing.



hmm...ok, maybe it was a dream.



Turns out there was no mammoth spider of any kind in my room. Turns out my mind was playing a cruel joke on me.



I know I saw that bastard, I know did...



I know my eyes were open when I saw it climbing my curtain...He sorta glanced over at me...we made eye contact..



Now I look like the crazy one...



Yes me.



Not him, the one who refuses to buy a new dryer because there are people in the world who don't get to have clean clothes let alone nice soft dry ones.



That we are helping save the planet by conserving energy.



Mind u for three hours prior to bed he was killing things on his new fancy Xbox360..and has plans for his new sewing machine...



Those kinds in Africa would kill for a sewing machine..



sonofabitch...



27 comments:

themuttprincess said...

You are too funny.

We do get bugs here in MN. They all move in doors when it is cold out. And to top it of THEY DO GROW BIG. So, you probably did see something.

Your hubby needs to sew something to pay for a new dryer or trade in his Xbox!!!!

Neurotic1 said...

Take another pill and call the psychiatric doc in the morning :) Maybe Mr. Shaky could build the spider a bed with that there new sewing machine!

Flip Flop Momma said...

TMP,
yes I hae seen big bugs here, but we are talking something the size u might see in the jungle of the Sarengti;)

ha

N1,
I wish I had a pill...

fo shizzle.

Doozie said...

here's how you handle mr greenpeace. Turn off the hot water heater, and when he gets up to take his nice warm shower and gets hit with a shock of coldness, look at him coyly and say "honey, don't be a whiney ass, there are tons of people who don't have hot water let along running water and we need to save the planet". Then go hide. I guarantee you will have a new dryer soon after doing this a few times. NO ONE messes with a mans hot shower...no one

Doozie said...

ps, I believe you about the bug. Those effers are out to make us all crazy..hey....what was that brushing up on my leg?????

oh wait, thats just the guy from downstairs

Fantastagirl said...

I hate those big ass spiders and yes they are big...

Southern Sage said...

FFM
I think the other night when everyone else was gone I did see a spider in your bedroom!
I thought it was pet. Dang next time they all go out I'm sure I'll be over and I'll take care of it!
js

1 plus twins said...

man you have more spider stories than anyone i know!!! what the hell is going on in that house, first you want to marry someone your kids age and now you have mamouth spiders!! i really think you drank way to much for new years, it has affected your brain. lol

Katie said...

I don't care, real or imagined, I would have done the exact same thing. Probably with a scream or 2 in there.

Foster Communications said...

I think when it gets cold bugs breed like MFers and produce freakishly large baby bugs!!

Tom said...

I'm with Mr.Shakey on lots of stuff, but with you on the dryer...it really is a luxury, but once you taste a luxury, it becomes a necessity. If you go green and all austere, you can't just pick and choose your suffering. Can't have no dryer, but have an air conditioner for instance. The spider isn't gonna drag you to it's web and kill you you know...please don't tell me you go all girly when a mouse enters the room!

Flip Flop Momma said...

Dooz,
I was acctually thinking about something very simalar..your one smart cookie, dont listen to the others who say anything different.

Fantastagirl,
no doubt they are big, even if I do see imaginary ones;)
\

SS,
well at least someone else other then me can see it.

1PT,
I know...I am a trashy novel all wrapped into one one bundle huh?

Katie,
thats my girl..me too;)

FC,
well, I do agree with u there...But I am starting to doubt the legitety of my story..


Tom,
thank you...I need another man on my side..

1 plus twins said...

ha ha well i should have never made fun of you, i jinxed myself!! i played baketball, rode the scooter, the skateboard and tried to do the rip stick and shit i am sore as hell this morning!! ha ha you and i will just continue to live in our world the world we are still young!! ha ha

MOMMY said...

i hate spiders- i wouldn't have slept.

you seem to ,um, MAYBE have a LITTLE resentment about the dryer situation, i mean i'm no shrink or nothing. lol.

Hydes Like Us said...

Oh Good Lord.

Last night I had a dream that I worked at the zoo and a tiger was stalking me.

I need to quit watching tv before bed.

Hydes

Michele_3 said...

OMG! I see your still funny as ever!
How the hell are you? I'm back and I've missed you!
Gotta catch up! I hate spiders too-That one would of had me sleeping somewhere else for the rest of the night-YIKES!
HUGS!!

Patti said...

I am DYING at The Mutt Princess!!!

I hate bugs & spiders too. HATE EM' we have huge flying bugs in SC - ones that fight back!

aatank said...

Are you still hung over? Wait NO I see it crawling across your computer screen...HaHA

Hope your having a great new year so far.

Southern Sage said...

you know I always got your back sugar~!
SS

Bradley's Mom said...

FF:

You are so funny.......and WAY braver than me!

If I thought I saw a big spider, there is no way I would have been talked out of it! I would NOT have been able to sleep in that room. I would have stayed up all night searching for it!

Brave, brave girl!!

Have a GREAT weekend, my friend!

Linda

JoeInVegas said...

Does the dryer store take xbox in trade?
If not, go for the turn off the hot water route. It will work. But first, take a long hot shower yourself.

Doozie said...

they say that the road ain't no p lace to start a family.......

MamaMichelsBabies said...

I say steal hubby's toys until you get a dryer (dude, that's not even a toy for you, thats just sanity in a big mtetal box)

And laugh as he goes through withdrawls without the xbox. I bet you got a new dryer by the end of the week.

They get that big here, oh goodness do they. I've even found hairy one (EW!) Spiders, not hubby's, although they have those here too.

Cliff said...

Now, do you want to tell the REAL reason you woke him up and what went on that you're not telling us about?? Or maybe not on a family blog.

barb michelen said...

look this is the "diet" i told you about you should really enter the site :) bye enter the site

Flip Flop Momma said...

sorry dudes, I hate not commenting back...I had a pretty busy weekend..

ok, thats a lie, I have just been real lazy, and I appologize to u and yours...

but thanks for stopping..I am working on a post for Monday...its sure to please.

~Deb said...

Not for nuttin', but if you saw this huge spider, chances are he's still among you...sleeping with you...living with you...breathing with you and possibly....watching YOU. Hrmmm... quite the voyeur this one is.

Remember though, spiders give off very threatening venom. I'd stay away from that bed until cleaned, checked, and shaken up. Still, you can't be sure.

Bwahahaa....Sleep tight...and umm, don't let the bedbugs bite!