Sunday, November 02, 2008

50 ways to leave your lover

So, I am still on a downward spiral from not being groped by Bill Clinton last Thursday. He did however make eye contact with me once, or twice..I even made the hubs stand way in the back of me as to not make me look taken. Not that it would matter when it comes to the groping or fondling of the former leader.

But I must admit, I have been having impure thoughts about him ever since I met him.

I mean VERY impure..the kinda thoughts that would send you to the chamber.


Last week the hubs and I got a new bed. We had our previous one since 2002. It served its purpose, we manged to make one baby with it.

Thats all you need a good mattress for.

This was a full queen, or something, bigger then a regular queen, and well, after three kids puking and or peeing on it, I thought it might be time to get a new one.

Actually, I gave it to my mother....

and I chuckle every time she lays on it.

We got a King sized bed. I have never had a King sized bed.

And now I know why.

We go to bed, I go to my side, he goes to his...and well, there is a land mass the size of Lake Superior in the middle.

And I like it.

Its kinda like sleeping alone.

I can lay on my side, be spread eagle...and not even come close to touching him.

The other night he was talking to me, and i did not even know it, until he started screaming.

We need one of those tin cans on a rope thing so we can have easier communication.

hey honey, wanna get naked?


get your tin can out...HONEY, get your tin can out...


I cant hear you...

TIN CAN...get it out..

oh hell..

then one of us just takes our pajama's off and takes a boat across the lake to mate with the other one.

Good times, good times..


Moving right along..

what the hell is the deal with Halloween? Why do people dress up their yards and homes for the holiday, yet don't hand out candy?

Ya know what I wanna do to those people?

Kill em.

I took my girl tots out for the special event where we go pan handling door to door for shit that will give them cavities and make them hyper.

And more then half of the homes were not even handin it out...

My girls had their tiny dreams crushed...we walked aimlessly for two hours.

They did manage to score some good loot at the places that were in the giving mood.

Look, here my tots are.

Look, these are the pumpkins I carved..cause I am crafty and shit.

Since I know some of you slower ones wont know what they are, but its not because I am a bad carver..GOT it?
The top one is a skeleton, middle is a ghost in a window, the bottom one is a bat..
yes its a bat...
damn it.


Sandy said...

Ok, the skeleton and the ghost are masterpieces...the bat....not so much!:)

Flip Flop Momma said...

thank u 4 giving it 2 me straight:)

Jen - Queen of Poo said...

I love my king sized bed. I don't like to be touched while I'm sleeping. Not even a little bit. Now there is room for kids, if need be, and that's cool. I not only made all our babies in our last bed that we owned for almost 20 years (how freakin' craZY is thatz?!) but I gave birth to two of them in it too! Sad that it had to go. It totally had to go, though.

Mik said...

We got a new bed much bigger than usual, but rather than being on our own sides, I still end up right on the edge with my wife wrapped around me.

Jennybean said...

so much news I don't know what to say...

but so glad you're still with us...


Scarlet said...

You're a good carver. Well, two out of three ain't bad. ;)

Your girls are cutie pies. I'm glad they finally got some treats...and about that whole bed business, I'm with you on everything except the part where you say you can't hear him. Once we got the King size bed, I no longer feel my husband moving around at night, but I can't get his snoring out of my head!

Flip Flop Momma said...

wow, u birthed kids on it?..I would say it was due 4 the dump then, cause thats messy and bloody:)

aww, she cant keep her hands off ya, that must make ya feel specail, cause my hubs doesnt get that kinda treatment;)

do u need a nap?

I know, not hearing them drool and fart is good, and them not being able to touch ya, is good..or to feel them has its perks.

The Doozie said...

Thank goodness for pumpkin templates, you can actually make some pretty cool shit.

I noticed too, the house with the most elaborate deco's gives like one little tiny tootsie roll morsel or some such thing. They're missing the point.

King sized beds are so enormous, they need their own zip code

Flip Flop Momma said...

I tried those templates last year, and it didnt go so this year I just drew them on free hand and carved it..its must easier 4 me that way..

I love tootsie rolls, but if u give me a small one, I will bust your knee caps.

im just sayin

KrazyMom said...

So is your oldest too old to go trick or treating, or did you lock him in the closet for the night?

I wish I had a king size bed, but then again I'd miss out on some lovin'.

Flip Flop Momma said...

yeah, he dressed up and handed out candy..but locking him away sounds better..

JoeinVegas said...

Can't see your pics, have to try from home later.
How much candy did you end up with? What was your costume?
Bill C might be taken, but McCain might be available, want me to try and set you up?

And just how is mom? (wow, lots of questions here)

Flip Flop Momma said...

damn, your nosey.

I dont want an old man, I want Clinton..

damn joe..

well, things are going, well..

IamDerby said...

I am with you on Bill.
I am rolling about your bed! You are too funny! I have a queen. I need a king. need it.
And I hear you on stupid people who make their house look Halloween friendly and then dont follow through. Irritating!

Flip Flop Momma said...

get a king, I highly reccomend it:)

So Not The Bradys said...

I'm incredibly jealous that Bill made eye contact with you.

What is it with mattresses this week? Our waterbed has a leak that I don't believe is patchable even with gorilla glue and gorilla tape. Yes, we still have a waterbed because I'm a heatseeker at night, and my husband doesn't like me putting him in a death grip while I usurp his body heat.

Looks like we'll be getting a regular bed. Which I'm kinda looking forward to having the under-the-bed storage space. Perfect place for spiders the size of Kansas to hide, though, right? Yeah, so glad I thought of that.

~Jobthingy~ said...

oh i have a king. i sleep in it alone for the most part, unless its sleepover weekend with Raspy. i wont go back i tell you. i love my king.

we saw alot of houses here also with decorations but no candy. it was kind of dumb. or lights on but not answering with a pumpkin on the stoop. its the one night of the year you turn the light off if you dont want to be disturbed fucktards.

the girls look great :)

Haphazardkat said...

LMFAO @ you givin' your Mom the puked/pissed on mattress! *Snort*
See? This is why I luv you.

*wipes a proud tear*

Lord V and I have a king mattress. The other night I went to kiss him goodnight and had to row half way to China to make skin contact!!

Haphazardkat said...

Oh. And...You have mad pumpkin carving skills.


Now get over to my house and carve mine--I never got around to it this year.

cathouse teri said...

We had a king-sized bed when I was married. The fact that you can be in bed with someone else and not know it is why I refuse to have one ever ever ever ever again.

But I loved the tin can idea. :)

(Yes, I sound so resolved to never have a king again ~ no pun intended ~ but my new man - more of a warrior than a king - is kinda pressing for one. It will remain to be seen whether my resolve dissolves.)

Humincat said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Humincat said...

Well I have a California King, which I THINK means it is like 2 inches longer or wider or girthier or something. With my Hubby almost 6'2 and 235 lbs, I don't know how bigger men fit on the other mattresses~! And just think, all that space to fill with tossing and turning and thrashing and well, you get the idea. Best money ever spent.

Dapoppins said...

Are you sure it is a bat? I think it is my uncle joe.

Ummm. Those are some adorable princesses.

I didn't give out candy. I was too busy eating it all up.


I want a new bed now.

My kids are fighting with each other....would you like another one? Free!

Rachel said...

I would LOVE to have a king size bed but our bedrooms are too small. Enjoy all that space! I am jealous!!!

Your girls are so cute!! You are a good pumpkin carver!

Janell said...

O I love your pumpkin carvings. Being the crafty gal that you are, have you ever done a carving on a pineapple? That's what they were pushing at my grocery store this week. They're really kinda cool.

If you could have brought my Virtual Grandchildren to my house for Trick otr Treat, here is what I would have given them: a pony, two puppies, three kittens, 21 Three-Muskateers (7 each); three Bibles and tickets to Disneyland.

Blessings to all of you.

Monogram Queen said...

LMAO at your King Sized Bed comments. We had one and down-graded to a Queen.

So sorry your kiddos were disappointed on Halloween. I saw less lighted houses too it seemed.

Humincat said...

WOOHOOOOO AMERICA! (Sorry to all the McCain voters, but honestly, Obama will be a much better president for you, just be open to the possibility)

Wethyb said...

OMG, you had me rolling w/ the having to scream-across-the-bed-cuz-it's-too-big thing. Classic.

Choppzs said...

Holy Crap, you make a king size bed sound like heaven! lol I'm going to get me one now!

Shannon said...

The hubs wants to get king sized bed. I don't for the very reasons you listed, lol.

Jamie Dawn said...

Your kids look SO cute!!!

King-sized beds are the BEST!!
Our friends have a California King which is longer than a regular King. We'll have to get that kind next time.
LOVE all that space!!

I saw pics of Bill Clinton today and heard some narration about his life in Hot Springs. I was at Hot Springs Mountain Tower where they have stuff about him on display and a video about him.
You'd have loved it!!

Humincat said...

Helllllloooooo? (echo, echo...)

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