Monday, October 29, 2007

kids say the damnest things

Here is our weekly video...



This weeks question



how do u know when two people are in love



Starring in this clip is Boo, Overly Confident Girl and Blondie..



Enjoy





Oh and I was asked to join a a band..Yee Haw bitches..

Come to my window

Well, my glorious weekend was smashed to smithereens. Well it was not a total loss, just half of it was.

Friday I get all decked out in my finest clubbin duds and we head over to the fine establishment with the band . The place is not to crowded yet, just enough people. Before the band started a man whom smelled "oh so nice" came to the table and asked me and my overly confident friend if we were waiting for Jerry. I told the nice smelling man we indeed were not waiting for Jerry as we are not planning on meeting any dudes.

He then tells us Jerry is a female and her husband is in the band and we just look like the kinda girls who would be waiting for her.

Not sure what that meant.

When we decided to move tables closer to the band, this same feller came up to me and asked if I was leaving. I told him, no, I am not leaving but going over to the table where confident girl and my hubby was sitting...

He said "carry on the sexy lady"

and I did...

The band was "ok"

At 10:30 I wanted to leave and head over to the other establishment so I could do some Karaoke.

I get there and everyone was happy to see me.

I kinda felt like Cliff or Norm...or hell, dare I say Frasier.

The karaoke folks were anxious to get me up on stage, so i quickly filled out my slips and continued to rock the house till the wee hours.

Confident girl has a crush on this teacher. The teacher was at our table totally looking at me and talking with me...Like staring at me weirdly.

She then interrupted our talk and said " oh, this is her husband, did I tell u she was married"

She proceeded to tell him two or three times I was married, and Shaky was sitting at the table with us...so its not like it was not noticeable I was with a man...DUH.

We gave him a ride home...We stop at a store to get some munchies to try and make our hangover less.

She has her hands all over him and puts her number in his phone.

He must of been super wanting to get laid because she told me the next day he texted her and wanted to come over that night.

I guess they got their grove on...

So all I have been hearing is how he told her that all the 6,7 and 8th grade teachers think she is the hottest mom...

Its hard for me to hold back....But I do because I love her..

Its not like I can go up to her and say..

dude, I have seen Halloween costumes that would make your face look better

I cant...I mean, if I was not friends with her I easily could.

Then Saturday I wanted to find Karaoke somewhere.

No place was doing it in the tri county area.

So I ended up going to see another band..A bunch of old men singing beach boy and Bob Segar songs...Not very well either.

I am back home before 11 pm.


So that was the weekend in a nutshell.

~

Tuesday we all get flu shots. And The Boy asked me if "they inject stuff into your veins"

I told him that was the idea.

He is basically convinced this is some sort of injustice a vein rape if u will.

~
I am working on a video for tomorrow.

I am gonna start posting videos once or twice a week. I think what I would like to do is get ideas from u guys on conversations to have with the kids and record it..

Kids making asses of themselves is nothing but good blog fodder.

So either email your ideas or leave them in the comments...Either the idea with the most response or the one I like the best will be chosen...We will do this weekly.

Carry on, leave me ideas...or I will come up with my own, and we all know that might be a total train wreck.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Jukebox Hero

Sorry for all the video's I have been shoving down your Internet throat, but if u don't like it, then get the hell off my blog...um, thanks in advance..


Moving on..



I found out the other day that a girl I went to school with, she is younger then me and we played some, but never were friends, won 2 million smacka-ros in the lotto. She lives right near my house I am wishing would be invaded by arsonist....Makes me wish I woulda been nicer to her..









sonofabitch.




I was asking Blondie about the boy who said loved her. She told me her little friend told him...by request of her that she did not love him. He then told her friend it was ok, she did not have to love him, but he would continue loving her.



You just don't see that kind of commitment anymore people...









I have big plans for the weekend. There are some Halloween parties at the establishments I frequent..









no, I will NOT call them bars...only skanks and wino's hang out at bars..









shit..









There are some live bands playing and I fancy rock stars...and I fancy beer...and I fancy dancing with rock bands whilst drinking beer in these fine "establishments"









so its a win win win situation.









I am going out with one of my best friends, my only thing is, she is always one her phone texting or talking...and talking about how hot she is...









Now I am not a lesbian, nor have I had any lesbian tendencies, but I don't find her attractive at all...But that's not the point...I don't care what she looks like, she is a very good pal...but it kind of gets annoying hearing her talking about how hot she thinks she is and about all these men that hit on her...I have never really seen this happen, but I guess it happens every weekend we go out....must be when I am in the potty.









I am also going out with my other good friend who kissed a tweeker last month..Nothing like seeing your friend french kissing another chick..thats when u know u have had enough and its time to pack up and go home...









I am not hot, and even if I were I would not proclaim it from the roof tops, I don't don't kiss females unless they were pushed forth from my vagina..









And people call me the weird one.














My 4 year old Boo just informed me she is going on a date.









I ask her with who...she tells me Handy Manny.









For those of u who are not familiar with Handy Manny, this is him..


























He is cute, I will give her that. He is bi-lingual, which is a plus..And he has a job.



Go get em Boo..

Oh and Blondie told me she can not wait until Hanukkah.

Thats my good Christian girl, not prejudiced against any holiday where she may get gifts.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

slowly stroke me

Here is a quick update.



* said friend denies leaving me at the bar, said she was there the whole time, I think she was up to NO good and is denial....



*My bee is coming along, hopfully things dont get any worse before I can make it better.



* I am additcted to making videos now...sorry peoples



* My dog needs a bath



* a VERY close friend and fellow blogger is going thru shit...she is about to start a new chapter in her life, and I ask that u all keep a good thought for her.



Ok, here is another video I made.....



Its my girls....the heartless feans that they are...



and STOP telling me I have an accent, this is how we talk in the mitten too...Michigan and Minnesota, its all the same...now stop giving me a complex before I have to bust some ass...



thanks in advance...



ENjoy...


video

Monday, October 22, 2007

Praying for time...

I added a very scary movie at the bottom, hope this can tide u over till my return...


Saturday night I went out with my friend JV and her husband and another friend of hers.....

Her hubby and other friend did not want to go to the after bar we normally go to..Its about a mile or so out of town and its always PACKED...we got a ride there with some people she knows, as I don't know many people here..

We were there for a bit, she told me she was going to "be right back"..I figured she was going out to puff, as you can no longer puff indoors anywhere in this state..

A while later I cant find her...

She left. me there. No way home.

Thankfully a couple guys I know and who normally give us rides home, cause they are not drinkers, saw she was gone and took care of me..Giving me a ride home and such.

So I am kinda pissed off at her right now...Who the hell just leaves their friend alone in a club with no fucking way home?

Then we got a tax bill from the homeland that we owe 2,645 on our house there..We are now considered homestead expemt, they have proven that is not our primary residence so our taxes went up and they want some money..

Good God, everyone wants fucking money from me.....Can I just sign over my three first born children and just call it even?


Now I am having problems with one of my chitlins.

I am not giving details, nor saying which one it is....But its pretty serious..so Please hold a good thought or maybe even say a little prayer..

Here is what your prayer should say...if u pray and shit..


Dear Lord,

Please help one of Flip Flop momma's bees. They are in desperate need of prayer and help.

As are the child's parents, as one is about to run away to a far away land , some where in Nigeria I reckon.

So please Lord, God...whoever it is that is listening...help this family and child out in their time of need...

Thanks..

Blogger friend-----------------

(you fill in the blank)

I might not be around...This is a major issue I need to focus on so I wont be around much until this gets fixed....and I pray it will get fixed...

(it is nothing life threatening, I don't think, so don't worry about that)

Until we meet again......

video

Thursday, October 18, 2007

still havent found what i am looking for

As I was taking a bath last night preparing for my Wednesday Karaoke night, I saw that beside my shitter, a little, ok medium sized, spider had made a home. I thought to myself, why do spiders pick the places they do to build a house?

Why would out of all the nooks and crannies of my abode, would u chose to lay your roots beside the john? What was the curb appeal? What did the realtor say to him to make him choose that location?

And as I am looking at him, he is just sitting there, looking like he is floating. I often think it would be very awesome to spin silk from my anus, make a web, and just lounge. It must be like laying in a hammock. I fancy laying in a hammock, and if I could spin one of of my buttocks, that would so rock.

I also was looking at this spider thinking, he has no bloody idea I could end his life in a matter of mear seconds. In a flash he would be gone, not even enough time to have his tiny little spider life flash before his eyes.

This morning I looked and he was still there. I messed with his web, hoping he would leave, but he just repaired it and continued to lay there.

Of course he is on the bottom of my shoe now...and there is a for sale sign on his water front property.

~

So last night at karaoke night I took The Boy. There is no school today and Friday for nearly the whole state as the teachers are remodeling the teachers lounge or some shit.

I took my first born to the bar. But mind you, it is smoke free now..and all kids have to be gone by 10pm, so it was not to traumatizing for him.

He played pool, kept eyeing the dart board..

I told him he can sit in a bar with some drunks, listen to his momma sing for him, but damnitall, you are not playing with darts, those are sharp and I do have my motherly standards for Christ sake.

After a while, the mic I was using to sing with smelled AWFUL. Have you ever smelled your tiny tots hands, and you knew they have had their hands in the crotch and or butt hole? And you tell them to go wash their hands STAT as there was likely ecoli and fecal matter all over their hands and now your mouth does cause you were playing and kissing all over them..

Well my mic smelled worse then that. I would hold the mic far away from my mouth and it was getting to the point where you couldn't even hear me anymore.

So me and my pal, well we left..I can not be singing on a mic that smells like rotten ass. Not cool.

I just hope I am not the one who made it smell that way.

No, I couldn't of.

I wont believe it.

Not a word of it.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

your the inspiration


Well, it seems I have some semi pleasant news. My friend and I are going to be heading to the Homeland first weekend of December. I am going to take her to the annual parade where they dress up semi's and tractors with pretty Christmas lights and go up and down main street.




Its a scene worthy of its own freaking Hallmark card.




Anyhoo, Mr Shaky went and got my grandpa's car two weeks ago. We are buying it from my grandma as she does not drive and has no use for it, and Shaky was planning on buying a new car next year, so it worked out...( i mean, I didn't want gramps to kick the bucket just so he could buy his car, I am not a fucking heathen)




While he was there at my grandma's house she was giving him some of my grandpa's clothes. Dress shirts and such.




Before he had left, grandma called me one day to ask what kind of undershorts shaky wears..I am like you mean Underwear grandma?




I told her he wears boxers mostly and she got all worried..




oh no grandpa only wore briefs...




So then I asked her..




you were not planning on giving him grandpa's old underwear were you?




well, what else am I gonna do with them?




I told her the garbage is always an option.




So then she said she might take them up to GoodWill. I told her even the poorest of the poor aren't gonna want used underpants grandma..Just toss em out for God's sake.




Is it weird she was going to give him used underwear?




Or is it just me?




Tomorrow..(the 18th) is my dads birthday. He will be 53 years young.




My dad is one of the funniest people I know. I think I get my funniness, or the lack there of, from him...




I get a lot from him...as my mother and hubby will say, I get my emotions from him..




Apparently he has none. And apparently I don't either.




Its not that we don't have emotions, it just that we don't like public displays of the shit.




I must say, when my grandpa died three months ago, I saw a side of him I had not seen before.




It was odd, but also nice to see it.




He cried on my shoulder and I on his...We were both there when grandpa died. We did not leave his side. In fact, the night grandpa got bad, grandpa had the nurse call my dad, as he did not want to bother my grandma.




My dad went up there at 4 am, sat and talked with him..didn't leave him until he wanted him to go pick up grandma..




Shortly after, I was called, I got up there around 6:30 am to see my grandpa struggling to breath.




My dad was sitting there with him...along side my grandma.




We left briefly to grab a bite, I mean I had to go get a cinomelt...sonofabitch...Grandpa would of understood, trust me..




As the morning and afternoon wore on..my dad and I stood bedside as grandpa got worse and worse.




At one point the nurse came in and looked him over and said that it was not going to be long now...I ran into the hall crying and my dad came to me and let me cry on his shoulder. I looked up and saw I had gotten black mascara all over his shirt..I kinda giggled, as my dad keeps his shit nice....he is very clean for a man..I bet he even changed his undershorts daily..




But that day and the days that followed I saw a side of my dad I had not seen before. The night after grandpa died we looked thru pictures trying to find ones of grandpa to put on his board..




you know what I mean, I talk about THE BOARD all the time..




We went to the cemetery to look for his stone, as my grandparents had their stone and plot for a few years...and we wanted to see it..




It was a rough time for me, as my grandpa was the coolest man I knew...




But I am glad I saw a side of my dad I had not seen before..




I mean I have seen him cry, not often..I mean he cried when I got married, but I think that was tears of joy...glad to be rid if the responsibility that was me..as I was a very pricey lil thang too...




My dad is a very sarcastic creature...In fact, my kids and hubby tell me I sound way too much like him, as I make a joke about anything and everything..




I will admit that our jokes sometimes aren't funny to anyone but us, but hell that is all that matters.




My dad got married last November to a gal who is a few years younger then me..and my little sister..um yes..I aint lying either.




Him and his new bride are two peas in a pod. And she is a very good friend of mine. We travel together, and talk all the time..thru email as I am not a phone talker, if i cant not talk to u thru the invention of the Internet, I just assume not talk to u..






I was in my dads wedding last year...see me and my big tata's in the pretty red dress?


So thats my dad, and he is having a birthday in a few days..I want to send him a card, but I am to crapping lazy to head to the fancy new walmart to buy one..
So I will do what any good daughter would do..
I'm gonna send him an email.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Word up

I thought I would hit the pavement and find out what the kids of today's world think about hard hitting issues that effect all youth..

Ok, I did not hit the pavement, I forced my kids to sit down and answer some shit..

I will write the question I asked each of them, then post their answers underneath the question.

get it?..good..

1.What do u think u need an allowance for?

the boy:
well you know, to build up my Star Wars army
Blondie:
to buy toys at the new Walmart
Boo:
No

2.What are your plans for the future?
the boy:
becoming a Scientist and living alone in New York City
Blondie
why are you asking me this? I wanna sell cars.
Boo:
I don't know

3.What are your thoughts on Global Warming?
The Boy:
Horrible,bad, mayhem
Blondie
what? what does that mean?
Boo:
I don't know

4.If you were trapped on an island and only could bring one thing, what would it be?
The Boy:
a tv....with cable
Blondie:
food
Boo:
a shell

5.If you had a boyfriend/girlfriend and they wanted to go on a date where would you take them?
The Boy:
um, movies?
Blondie:
To Swan Cafe
Boo:
To lunch

6.If your boy/girlfriend wanted to kiss would you?
The Boy:
NO
Blondie:
uh-uh
Boo:
yes..hehehehe

7.If a stranger offered you a lolly what would you do?
The Boy:
say no and walk away.
Blondie:
say no
Boo:
eat it!

8.If you had a wallet, what would you keep in it?
The Boy:
money, and my drivers licence
Blondie:
money
Boo:
a bear.

~~~~~~~
I have tried telling you people my kids are special.

That concludes this week lesson on why My Kids are Retards.

Amen and praise Jesus.

three cheers for the short bus kids..

hip hip horray...hip hip horray...hip hip horray..

Monday, October 15, 2007

Never say goodbye

I have an observation. Now I am by no means saying that this is an intelligent observation nor an observation made with clear sound thinking...As most of my observations occur, there is none of the above ever involved.



Just so we are all on the same page, I by no means mean any disrespect in saying this observation.




Why is it that any time I see two men eating out alone, I automatically assume they are on a date?



When I see two ladies out for lunch or dinner I do not assume anything...other then they are out to get away from their men or kids...like most of us do.




But when I see two dudes, they are gay.



Now I have a very good friend who is gay and she tells me I am not only mentally retarded for thinking this, but that I also am lacking gray matter that was once where my brain was.



So thinking this does indeed give me a galloping case of the stupids..(stolen from TKW)...




I don't like looking like a complete asshat in front of everyone on the world wide web, but please tell me I am not the only chick who thinks that.




Please, Please...anyone...anyone...anyone..


Ok, I am the only asshhat who thinks that.







disclaimer...if your from the GLADD organization, don't comment, I am not a bigot, In fact I am just the opposite...Its just seeing two men out on a dinner date looks suspicious so me..they don't pull it off...I am a God loving church going Christian gal who also thinks that gay marriage should be allowed...so don't leave me no hate comments...for Christ sake.


~










A few months ago I made a decision to move our furniture around in our main floor living room.



We moved our little entertainment unit in front of our big window which is also in front of our heater. Our heating in this house is electric.




Now, being of sound and clear mind, I was thinking more short term then long...I figured when the time came I would need to turn the heater on, that I would remember to make sure all cords and whatnots were out of reach of the heating unit.



Well, I think I have single handed-ly broke nearly all electrical appliances in my living room.



The cord which runs my Dish network was caught inside the heating outfit and nearly burning...nearly flaming.


So I am thinking I am gonna have some splainin to do to the Dish people when I call them in the early AM to request a new unit.



The bitch of this is, I run the dish on three different tv's in this house, and that is the main box...So I am safely assuming I have befuddled with every one's day/evening/afternoon and whatever by this move....


The kids are like gonna wanna talk and like play board games and like want me to read them books and shit.



curse the damn electric heat who has brought my family to its preferable knees.


sonofabitch.

~




I have this family of Japanese bugs living on my ceiling..They all congregate to one area. I don't know if they have meetings there, or if it is the generalized mating area.


But look...see..









I cant tell which one is the leader, but I am thinking its the at the bottom..It looks like he may be talking to the group..




They have been there for about two weeks now. And I know your thinking..





well flip flop momma, why don't you terminate there welcome or evict them from said quarters...





Well, I was going to, then I thought..

What Would Jesus Do.



He would leave them there, take there pic and post it on the Internet.





Thats what Jesus would do. Because He is cool like dat.



So, I am boarding a few bugs until Jesus gives me the signal.



~



Look, here are my little flippers..










I will be the first to admit that my son looks like a big goon in this photo..And my photoshop does not have a goon remover button..so it is what it is..

Here is the goon and my baby girl....


~

Hey, how do u like my new fall template? Ole Emmers did it for me, if you want to visit her head over to my sidebar and go see her and tell her she did a bang up job.

I don't know how to link here in the post or I would..I am lacking gray matter, remember, it never works when I do it..


Crap, there is a kid up here wanting to bond...

Maybe I should teach the kid its colors or how to ride a bike or drive a car..

whatever it is parents do whom have busted their only means of not having to talk to their kids.

sonofabitch.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Time for me to fly

There comes a time in a woman's life where she must realize her role in this ever changing world in which we live in.

One of mine happens to be a mom/mother/mum...which ever you prefer. Although here in my home, I am always called momma....The only time my ten year does not call me Momma is when his friends are here, or he is calling me from school.

Then I am Mom...I sometimes don't answer to it, because I am never called Mom..That doesn't even sound familiar to me. So when my kid is showing off to his buddies and hollers

Hey Mom, my buddies and need more Bud Light, could u be a doll and bring some down for us?

I don't respond because I don't know who mom is.

Not my fault.

That would be kinda like someone yelling..

Hey Jill, come here..

when clearly your name is Martha.

You don't answer, because holy crap, your not Jill and you sure as heck aint mom.

Moms are old...Hell, my mother is called Mom...she is almost 50.

I don't expect to be called mom until my kids are sporting pubic hair and needing tampons or um...wallets.

It is kind of like some woman not liking to be called Mam.

Mom just sounds old....and even though I am 32, I don't fancy myself being old.

So son, please stop calling me mom.

Call me Momma, Mommy, Ma, Mother, your hiness...whatever, just stop with the Mom business, its giving me wrinkles. Thank You.

The Mang,

My son for the last few morning will say to me.

gosh, I am kinda gassy this morning

What kid says that?

and then he proceeds to let them rip.

The Boy needs an ass plug.

~

My nice neat homestead is missing a few necessities today.

Garbage bags and soap for my dishwasher.

Ok, now instead of running to the local grocery establishment, I head for the laundry room and grab my lawn and leaf bags.

Sure I have black bag hanging out the sides of my garbage can, but dang it, I could fit a whole human body in there.

And as for the dishwasher, well...Right now I am running it with no soap...I figure the hot scalding water should get all the germs off.

Whatever residue is left, I can wipe with a Bounty paper towel.

See these are things a Mom would not do.

A mom would run out and buy the needed equipment for such things.

A momma on the other, makes due with what she has.

I mean tonight I will send Ole Shaky out to buy my Downy Fabric softer, nice white Glade trash bags, I love the ones that grip to the basket, those are the ones I buy..try em, they are all that and a bag of chips, and then some Cascade with Bleach tablets for my dishwasher.

So its not like I am a complete waste of flesh.




oh and I won my appeal...yeehaw bitches!!!!!

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Cum on feel the noize

Ok, I think my hearing went pretty well. At one point the nice judge, he will remain a nice judge until I get the final word on his decision, asked my former bosses what their whole point was as he could see no grounds for an appeal.




they scrambled, told a few lies, and we were under oath, so I know for certain the guy in the red suit has a nice shiny picker bush to shove up their asses, and I was able to rebuttal their lies, then the judge would ask them if they had any comments about what I had just said..




They always said "no"




Of course you say no, because holy shit, what else can you say?




The nice judge did have to tell me a few times to stop interrupting..Because when they would start lying, I would start opening my mouth. He told me I would have a chance to talk when they were done.




And I did...and I gave em hell goll darn it all to heck.




So, as soon as I hear anything, I will let you know how it went for sure...




bastards have it coming though...




sonofabitch,




~


I know the government tries to control everything, and I realize they control more then what we even realize. For example..




*news, they control all news, all news comes from ONE organization..they only tell us what they want us to know...u don't believe me, your a damn fool.




*weather...yes, they control the weather, just ask Al Gore...don't believe me, your a damn fool.




*phone calls/email....the have every line in the US of A wire tapped, don't believe me, your a damn fool...Email, same thing, it is filtered thru a government office, I am assuming the CIA or some shit...don't believe me, your a damn fool.




*food...yes, they control our food , and yes, we still get spinach laced with e-coli and lettuce tainted with cow turds...God Bless Us Everyone..




*Importing and Exporting of good...yes...and your tiny tot is chewing on a Dora Doll right now laced with enough lead to kill a sow..




Here in my state they have as of October 1st banned smoking in ALL business's...for example, the bars..No smoking anymore.




Now me being a non-smoker, I am thrilled with this..Nowhere in the state of MN can u light up and pollute the air I breath. I can sing Karaoke with not a worry anymore.




Thank you and God Bless us everyone..




Now lets take a gander at the fast food..




They want them to put labels on our food purchases that indicate how many calories we are consuming in our lunch.




I use to be coolwith that. Down with it if you will.




But some days I just don't like to turn over my Chicken Nugget box and see I just ate about 26 grams of fat.




They don't understand that when I am stressed, I don't want to know what I am eating.




if I am eating three gallons of lard, fine, but don't u dare tell me, you son of a gun, this lady don't wanna hear it.




Control things , that's your job government, because this is a Democracy..*chokes*




and your only out for OUR protection and well being, and I love you for that..((BIG HUGS TO YOU))...thanks!




I am sure some of the CIA fellas have eavesdropped on some of my phone calls..and I am sure they chuckle or even piddle a bit on their blue pants, and I like that feeling. And hell, if they have read my emails, that is even more entertaining to say the least.




I bet they print them off and hand them out as shitter materiel at work. Ya no, kinda like the Sunday Funnies, you roll it up and carry it into the john with u while u unload your nuggets, probably into our fresh water supply...




But its all good, because no matter where I go in this state, I don't, nor do my kids have to breath in second hand smoke..and this makes me smile and puts a good 80 years on life...My insurance company thanks u.




And stop putting that crap on my fast food wrappers. Sometimes we just don't need to know shit...




Let me eat my nuggets loaded with 26 grams of fat in private.




Fat people like to eat in private, and so do cannibals.
and on a brighter note..
*
*
*
*
This is just a pic of the corn maze our local pumpkin patch people put on this year..It took us a while to go thru it, but isnt it cute? They have a website where they post all thier maze pics, I did not climb a tree or fly a 747 to get this shot.
Although I would of.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

dust in the wind

At 8:15 am CST I will get my dreaded call from the judge about my former place of employment. I have on my steel toed flip flops so I can readily head over there and jab them in the personal area should their lies get out of hand.



If there is a hell, and I am sure there is, I hope the man in the red suit has a nice thorn bush to stick them on when they get there.



Oh and bees, lots of bees stinging them on their boobies.



That would do me a world of good knowing that will happen.



~

My son has all of a sudden become fascinated with wanting to do the laundry. He runs to the laundry room a few times a day just to get rid of the lint in the lint trap.



He keeps hounding me and hounding to learn how to run the equipment. Now I am lazy, yes yes we know this, but I am just unsure of a ten year olds mental capacticty to work and maintain the machines and not to totally reek havoc on my undergarments and such.



He asked me if this was a job he would have to do daily, as he is lazy like me, and would like a job u did once per lifetime, I indeed told him if he wanted clean and skid mark free drawers to wear daily, I reckon it needs to be done all the days of his life.



I will teach him the fine art of sorting.



I sort my laundry kinda funny. I have a seperate load for pinks and reds. I wont wash a red and a pink together, I just wont do it.



Being this is a house with three females and one of them females has a quaint fascination with the color pink, I have lots of pink shit.



Plus I wash the greys and greens separately and also the blues are washed alone as well.



Towels are washed in HOT boiling water, as are the tidy whiteys.



I dry almost everything in the drying machine, although I do hang some stuff to dry as I have a clothes line right in my laundry room. Things I hang there would be, but not limited too



Bras

dainty undies with lace

certain sweatshirts

my teddy

my funeral/church clothes

my thongs



Then I have to teach him the fine art of filling the Downy Ball, as I do not fill it to state and government guidelines because well, they don't know anything about how I like the nice residue on my shit after its been washed.



See, I cant take the chance of him shrinking my stuff. I can not be seen in public with a stretched out brazier or a thong the size of a barbie ass...



~



While I was picking Boo up from her pre-school today, a mom was in there waiting too. I never seen her before, as I guess her kid normally rides the bus...she had in tow a lil guy, no older then 3 or 4.



I looked over at him and noticed his face badly bruised and there were tons of marks on his face and a big ole bandage over his nose and he had two black eyes.



he literally looked like maybe I had accidentally ran him down in the parking lot.



So me being a nosey little mother f-er I asked her what happened to him.



She said he fell out of a second story window Friday afternoon.



HolymotherofGod.



and all that happen was his nose was broken.



He looked as though he was run down by a bull or something.



Poor little guy, I never seen anything like it...



~

The other night we had some very torrential downpours whilst I was fast asleep in my wee widdle beddy bye.



Unbeknowgst to me, I had left my van windows rolled down, cause I am one of them chicks who digs the breeze blowin in my hair.



Well, I wake up in the early AM hours to see it still raining. I take a gander at my car and see the windows down.



sonofabitch.



I quickly go out and roll them up. The whole inside of my car is flooded and the electrical shit isn't wanting to work the best...go figure.



I get my windows rolled up, and later on after it stops raining I go out to survey the damage.



I take out some towels to soak up what water I can.



Then the smell...The smell is rancid.



Smells like musty rotted car.



For those of you who don't own cars or have never smelled car rot...it smells sorta like rotten milk with a splash of mildew.



I then left my windows down to let nature blow the smell into my neighbors yard. Because I am neighborly that way.



If God didn't strike me down twice, as it rained again.



He is laughing, a good one at that.



So now I am soaking up the rain with towels again, spraying the inside with Febreeze every 4.5 minutes...



Lesson learned.



get a haircut, then my hair cant blow in the in wind.

Monday, October 08, 2007

I Want U to want me

Getting my son to take a shower is kinda like getting a cat to take a bubble bath.

Getting my daughter to do her homework is kinda like getting a jockey on a horse.

Getting my other daughter to take her shoes off when she goes to bed is kinda like getting a dog to shit in your toilet, then flush it, and also replace your TP when the roll is empty.

Getting my hubby to NOT make cookies is kinda like getting Betty Crocker to to use margarine instead of butter.

Getting me off a Karaoke machine is kinda like getting flies off of a hot dung ball.

Some of these things are not bad, some are...

Take what u will...

I have been asked to participate in a Karaoke contest.

I feel kinda like ole George W when he found out he got away with winning.. not one but TWO elections...Like a giddy school girl.

But I don't use double negatives and I don't studder.

amen and God Bless the US of A.

oh and I still am dying of Mononucleosis per my own diagnosis of course.

Good day

Friday, October 05, 2007

Dont come around here no more

I want to talk a little about the Downy Ball. I am a user of it, I do fancy fabric softener and I will be the first to admit that I go above the "full" line just so my crap is extra soft and supple.

I don't use dryer sheets because they are worthless pieces of poo poo. They still make my towels rough and my jeans feel like an SOS pad.

Sometimes when I am feeling a bit spendy I will buy both, just to make sure I have my lotted amount of softness for my crap.

But you can get too much crap. If you have to much softener it does leave a bit of a residue on your linens and things.

You have to learn the right amount of shit to put it, its a science almost.

My Downy Ball has been giving me pause over the last few days. Seems the bastard does not want to drain the liquid out after each washing. I open my washer to find a perfectly filled Downy Ball.

What the hell Downy People?

Now, I use the Downy Ball because I have a galloping case of the stupids..(I stole that from someone, and it cracks my shit up every time) and I forget to add the fabric softener.

When you are slightly touched to begin with and then you add a case of the galloping stupids, it makes for un-soft clothes.

So this ball gives me a chance to become a good laundry attended and give my family soft supple clothing and bedding.

But when the ball wont open, it makes me look like an ass.

And this bugs the crappy outta me.

Don't you dare make me buy another one.

~
But you also know when your on the verge of drooling and pooing yourself kinda stupid when you send your kids out to the bus at the regular time, when its a two hour late start. Then you start yelling at them as to how the Sam bloody hell they could miss the bus when they were even out there early.

Don't listen when they tell you its a two hour late start. Because kids don't know shit.

You continue to yell at them thru the kitchen window telling them to get their hinny in the house so u can drive them so as they are not tardy.

because no one likes a tardy kid.

Then your child shows you the slip of the two hour late start.


And you wonder why kids thinks adults are morons.

Adults are to kids as to what clowns are to us.

Funny looking and with big shoes.

Thats it. Thats how they see us.

How does that make u feel?


Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Born to be my baby

OK, so I have a somewhat update on my unemployment saga. My new appeal hearing is set for Oct9th at 8:15am. My very good Friend ,who still works there, said she overheard them talking today in the office.

She heard them actually concocting their stories. She heard them say something about telling the judge that they were just going to suspend me..for what reason I have no idea, but then I told her to stop fucking her with and then I hung up on her.

Part of that is true, I did tell her to stop fucking with me, but it was not in the sense you think.

I just hope these lying asslickers get whats coming to them.

They are totally denying the fact they even fired me.

But since I am sure this company has some money hungry attorney, I have a feeling I am going to lose my case. If that happens, shit will fly.

I only hope the God Himself has a room reserved for these lying poop eaters in hell.

I hope Karma turns out to be a bitch for these pieces of shit.

~

My son told me today a girl asked to be his girlfriend but he turned her down because, and I quote

"I don't think she is the girl for me, I just don't need that sort of headache"

I am guessing he sees what his dear father goes thru with me, and thinks he may turn out to be celibate, which I am cool with that.

~

I think I have mono.

Or else I am just really,really,really,really lazy.

I mean it could be either one.

Good Day

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Sweet Child O' Mine

So today I went to the Public Library with my friend whom is with child..Seems she wanted to rent a baby name book, because holycrap 9 months isn't long enough to pick out a name, she has to do it NOW, and she has only been pregnant for about 36 hours anyway..

Anyhoo, we get there and of course she has no library card so she needs to get one.

Why is it that most librarians are bitches? This is how it went down.

knocked up girl: Um yes I need a library card

Bitchy book lady: Just how old are you?

knocked up girl: 25

Bitchy book lady: ok, then exactly where do u live?

knocked up girl: on your "a gray old bat" street.

BBL: so, will your licence verify that? or do u have a valid license?

KUG: your kidding right?

then she proceeds to throw her drivers licence at the bitchy book lady..

I then made a comment about how it is probably easier to apply for a firearm then a library card.

She may or may not have asked me leave.


So knocked up girl got her baby name books..

I hear she is still naming it Helga..

~

Have you seen the commercial for the new Charmin TP that says it is stronger then any other and it wont leave pieces of TP on your ass or hoo-haw when your done wiping.

Now maybe its just me, but never in my life have I wiped my bung-hole and thought to myself

golldarn it, there has to be an easier way

I never have had pieces of toilet paper stuck in or around my bum or my va-jay-jay.

Am I wiping wrong?

The cute bears in the commercial seem to think this bathroom tissue is just marvelous.

So, I guess I will be giving it a go. Maybe if I used it, I would have less skid marks to clean out of other peoples undergarments.

I'm just saying.

Monday, October 01, 2007

I hate myself for loving you



I think I may have broke Shaky out of his shell. His shell of staying home whilst I am out signing and drinking some ale.




Granted, he did NO singing, nor any boozing, but I am sure he had an ok time.




We even took him to the after bar....




He was SO impressed I am sure.




I am sure his mom took notes for when she thinks he may file for divorce...because I do Karaoke every Wed, Fri and Sat, and she may think I should stay home taking care of his planters warts , getting skid marks out of his underwear, and preparing dinner for the next evening.




~


A friend of mine just found out she was , um...with child....she is kinda sorta uncertain as to who the baby daddy may be, but she is pretty sure who it is out of the three possibilities.




These are the days when I am thankful I am a fat, middle aged, ugly, hairy married lady.




Amen and I do.




~


Oh and in laws, please stop answering my phone by saying




good afternoon




Because people will just hang up on you...




~




I will leave you with some pics of Shaky and I from the night I took him bar hopping.
















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Thank you Dear Hubby of mine, thank you for keeping me from having babies and not knowing who the daddy is, thank you for keeping me disease free and thanks for having a head big enough to make mine seem small.


~
For my dear friend who I went out with on Saturday..
you can thank me later for pulling your tongue out of the blonde tweeker chics mouth.
Your welcome for the tic tacs and when the hell did you start kissing chicks?
sonofabitch