Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Big Shot

I have decided against having kids. I have been thinking about it for years, and now I have decided against it.

Its too damn bad I went against my better judgment and went and did it before I had enough time to think it thru. With any big descion you need to think it thru long enough before you do it. Such as, but not limited too

Getting married
picking out what flavor ice cream cone to get
buy or rent
to get a dog
to join a gym
to put out on the first date
what to make for dinner

the list goes on and on...

Right now my Boo is underneath a clothes basket. Not because I put her there, but because she is mad. She is mad because she wants a pop tart. She did not eat all her dinner, so therefore she gets no poptart. So now she is under my clothes basket, awaiting trial I guess..

And kids are just so damn confusing. One minute they want something, the next they don't..One day they like chicken, the next day its like your feeding them poison.

You ask a kid to clean their room. They whine, they complain and then they tell you that you should help them. When u explain to them that you indeed did not make the mess so you are indeed not going to help , then they are willing to just throw everything in their room out. If they throw it out, they don't need to clean it ever again.

In all honestly, I feel that way most days. I feel like ripping the carpet out of here so I don't ever have to vacuum. Then I would only end up having to sweep the floor. So then I think I should get rid of anything they would cause me to have to sweep..That being cats, a dog, some snack foods, a yard, and dust bunnies.

If I elimnate those things, I can cut my cleaning down by at least half.

Next will be to get rid of all living things, that cant clean up after themselves.. Now that includes..The dog, two cats, my rabbit, three kids and one husband.

So this in turn leaves me to live alone. Which to me sounds like paradise. I could take a pee with the door open, I could prance around naked if I wanted, I could go days without cooking which in turn would make me not have to do any dishes, I would go grocery shopping bi-yearly...I would save so much money..

But alas, I have had the kids, and now I am here dealing with my tot under my clothes basket crying that she wants a poptart cause she is so hungry, and that I have not fed her all day..When an hour ago I left her a plate of the most mouth watering chicken, nice buttered noodles, corn, and a home-ade low fat biscuit.

she only ate the biscuit.

Some of you would crack and indeed give her the pop tart. Not me. I get some sort of odd satisfaction sticking to my guns. She knows I mean business.

But Blondie is trying to sneak her pieces of her pop tart. I cant fully win this war if the opposing side has a covert poptart spy. Its not fair. I can not compete with that.

So I will sit here, listen to her beller cuz she is that damn hungry, I will put her to bed, she will wake up in the middle of the night saying she is hungry. I will tell her to damn bad, and I will go back to bed.

I am too old to deal with this. I am middle aged. I don't think I will live much past 60, so I only have a few good years left in me. And if my prediction is wrong, and I do die before then, well, that will be a damn shame.

By the way, Blondie thinks that you get pregnant by drinking salt water and eating fatty food.

I agreed.

Is that wrong?

My son and her were wrestling on the floor and he told her to stop humping him..I told him he did not even know what humping ment..

He said to me

" oh mom, I do know what it is, and lets not talk about that..Ok"

ok, fine by me.

He thinks he is getting a mustache and my daughter thinks u get knocked up from eating salt water, and one is hiding under a basket cuz I wont let her eat a poptart.

If anyone needs any parenting advice, just email me...

Bee Real


JD's Rose said...

My grandmother told me that you get pregnant from kissing boys. Guess who delayed her first kiss for a while?!

I find kids confusing too, and I haven't even got to the pop tarts or room cleaning business yet!

Working Mom said...

Damn, that's how I got pregnant (smacks head)! I need to remember that for the future.

I'm back and blogger won't let me post my post. I emailed you though!

1 plus twins said...

thank god i got your blog up. it wouldn't come up before. blogger must have been messing with me. i am so glad someone else goes thru what i do at meal times and i am with you nothing unless you eat your dinner. then they act like haven't been fed all damn day!! drives me crazy. the room thing i am so there with you. if they don't throw it away they are throwing it all in the closet or under the bed like that is cleaning up!! ugghhh!!

Karen K. said...

I think you need to discuss the birds and the bees a little bit with them. Don't let Blondie believe that salt water could get her pregnant. When my brother was 5 years old, I told him he would get a fat belly and pregnant from eating so much junk food. The very next day , he had a swollen tummy from constipation and lifted up his shirt to show me and our mother and with a frightful look on his face. He asked us if he was pregnant, because he believed what I had told him. He was really scared thinking he was going to have a baby.

js said...

i'm with you on move them all out!!!!
alone is better
im thinkin that salt water can't get you bred but i aint sure now.
Don't give in, no poppin tarts
if ud cook them chilren some damn beef and taters theyd eat!

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

jd rose,
u just wait until jellybean is old enough to put himslef under a basket..hehe

working mom,
got your email...and stop drinking salt water, u are in enough trouble already..hehe

1 plus twins,
I think its a good idea to make the kids live in dog houses until they can be trust worthy and clean up..hehe..what do u think?

well she is almost 7, and right now, I think telling her the birds and the bees, would only make her sick to her stomach...maybe next year..she just aint ready yet..

beef and tators? that all u think about?

and dont u even think about sending me salt water...u cant bribe me with that anymore dude.

cathouse teri said...

God, you're funny.
And the reason it's so funny is because I know it's all true!

Sticking to your guns is the way, I tell ya! Don't worry. There is still time to live alone and pee with the door open and have everything always be right back where you put it. When the kids are grown and you throw the hubby out! Better yet, leave the hubby in the house with the pets, and go live in a little condo with no pets and no kids! It's heaven, to be sure. People would ask if I had a problem sleeping alone after 18 years of being married. I would say, "No, it's much better sleeping alone than sleeping with someone and being lonely." MUCH better.

And the cool part is the kids grow up and start helping YOU! I loved the day when my boy fixed my brakes for me. That was a cool day. Now he does my moving for me. I moved just a couple of weeks ago. He said, "Mom, this is the seventh time in a year and a half. I'm not doin' it again!" I said, "Oh yes you will!" And sure enough, I just discovered that I have to move within the next two months! Poor boy. Ah well, I had to carry him enough... he can carry me now.

d said...

I can relate to every damn thing you wrote.

How sad is that? We need a change. Stat!

Only one change to my paradise - there would be no shopping. I wouldn't even need a kitchen - just a drawer full of delivery menus. Bliss.

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

cathouse teri,
shit, i cant wait till the day one of my kids can be useful..fixing brakes, hell that desreves a pop tart.:)

d, holy shit, my eyes are bleeding, is that really u...what the fuck..where r u//i miss u..I.loveyou:)

d said...

I'm here, catching up on you. I'm laughing my ass of and I'm not even stoned. You're like weed Bossy - except without the coughing and spraying of air freshner every minute or so ;)

Missed u too.

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

um where is your blog?...I miss u..u dont call, u dont write...just ditch me like u divcriced me..

love you:)

kaliblue said...

LMAO. hmm, maybe it's you can get preggo by eating poptarts I thought *giggles*. I'm just going to live vicariously through you bossy. caus'in I don't have any young'uns and ya'll are all ca~razy like me. I love it:-).

Choppzs said...

OH My! I do believe you need a break! Lets take a break together. Get some drinks and smack our kids around afterwards! Sounds like fun! So far my kids haven't had a clue about that stuff, or if they do, they haven't mentioned it. LEts hope it stays that way!

thesexiestcrackerintheuniverse said...

u want some salty stuff????
im surrounded on 3 sides by it!
i see the caps it wasnt intentional but im much to frickin lazy to correct it

Cliff Morrow said...

Here's the answer to your problem, buy one of these:
and you'll be able to retire when the last kid leaves home. And then the Grandkids can start to help you pay for retirement.

deni said...

I got pregnant from eating crackers and peanut butter in bed. :)

My ex SIL used to always tell me not to have kids, the only thing was, she was a few years too late in the telling. She also told me they had a No Return policy on her brother, I returned him anyway, he was a flawed product.

Living by myself does sound really appealing sometimes, especially after reading this post, I never really thought of all the benefits.

Neurotic1 said...

Stick to your guns on the pop tart! I am right with ya on that one. When I was little a friend told me that you could get pregnant if someone jumped on your stomach. She claimed that was how her mom got pregnant for the third time! Since I have been sick Mr. Conservative has been sleepin' in the spare room. I forgot how nice it is to have a bed to yourself!

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

I dont know, I have never eaten a poptart, yet have three bees..haha

yup, I do need a break, lets go somewhere far and somewhere warm.

no, acctally I dont eat salt, so no more babies for me.hehe

amd meat just stinks..makes my house smell like asteak joint, is that what you want?

I better go see what this is...I am hoping its a good retiremnt home.

well I am safe then, I dont eat peanut butter..haha

jumping on ones stomach huh?, that would hurt.

u get to have a bed to yourself?..damn you are one lucky girl..damn

Badoozie said...

I recommend getting shock collars for all of them, and then one for yourself as well. that way when you go into town people will think its a family thing or something

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

I already do that..ho hum.

flea said...

found my way over to you from blazer's blog and i must say i'm glad i did, i highly enjoyed your post and rants (although i'm sure you don't), it just makes me ever more greatful that i have yet to have children, i should print this for my hubby....

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

gosh even saying that makes me itch..hehe...thanks for stopping by, and go ahead and make a pamplet out of this...eveyrone needs to read it..hehe..hope to see ya around more often;)

Laura Elizabeth said...

Ah, the joys of living alone. You've picked up most of them. Some tricks I've learned from former boyfriends, such as when you come home from work you kick off you sneakers, peel off your jeans (and in my case, bra) and just wander about in your tee-shirt and underwear. Eating over the sink means no dishes - ever. Same for drinking out of the container - soda, milk, orange juice. Very liberating!

I think you need a larger laundry basket to accomodate the Blondie bee.

Karin said...

Well I do eat fatty foods but I don't drink salt water so maybe she is only half right. Stick to your guns she doesn't need the poptart. I would also threaten blondies life if she feeds the caged animal. You know at the zoo they even have signs saying that.

deni said...

Psst, wanted to let you know I have a new blog, yep I just gave birth to it, must have been those crackers and peanut butter. :)

At least I don't have to change it's diapers.

LZ Blogger said...

Just feed them Pop Tarts ALONE for about a week... then they may actually look forward to the chicken! ~ jb///

Michele_3 said...

You crack me up as usual!
(although I can really relate having 3 of my own doing the same things..)

I hope everyone is feeling better, I just got caught up on a few posts..
Much Hugs Lady!

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

oh yes, I have eaten over the sink too...I hate doing it, cuz I am lazy, but desparte times call for despare measures..and I catch my kids drinking out of containers too..I am glad I have my own bevargaes in this house..damn

well I was going to threaten her, but then I thought maybe this is going to be her career as a grown up, ya no feeding wild animlas and homelss people..and i dont wanna scare her from her dream:)

a new blog?..I am gonna have to come check it out.

Lz Bloggr,
well u have a valid point, but i am afradi she would grow immune to the sugar and refuse anything else..she is a retard..

having three is a pain int he ass isnt it?..what the hell were we thinking anyway?

Hails said...

OKay lets stop right there, I have a question! YOU GET POPTARTS STILL OVER THERE??? They stopped those things here in Australia. Tell you what, im not a happy vegemite and I might just have to join your youngin and TRY and get under my wash basket too and protest! Need to find a wash basket big enough to fit my arse, but hey Im gonna do it!

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

WHAT no poptarts?...holy crap, I would move...course I dont eat them, but they look and smell good, and they are really bad for u..hehe..still u should still be able to eat them, I would call your president and demand the production of poptarts:)

vani said...

lmao! i don't know how you do it, and just the fact that you can joke about, well momma, i give you allot of credit. the only reason mine are still alive is cuz i'm not with them alll day!

cathouse teri said...

Now I'm hungry for poptarts.

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

well hell u have three kids, u know how the shit flies..hehe

Cathouse teri,
they will kill ya ..hehe

Miss 1999 said...

Girl, you are too funny!