Tuesday, April 22, 2008

One Burbon, one scotch and one beer

This kids, is my last post for the week. I know I know, I will hold your hankies for you while you blow.

The first day of class was good, although I appear to be the elder in the school, I mean holy shit, how did 33 get to be so damn old?

While on our trip to the ill fated Def Leppard show, I met this couple. It was a husband and wife. They were sitting on the bench outside the hotel when I saw them.

I was just walking back from lunch, and I was wearing my Def Leppard fanclub shirt, because even though the pricks bailed on me, I was still representing...cause that's how I roll.

The man says to me..hey, you going to the show too huh?

I was like.." well I WAS"

These poor people had NO bloody idea it was not happening..So we chatted for a long while cause neither of us had anything better to do.

They kept telling me how I had an accent. I'm like, do you know what an accent is? Because this gal isn't buying. it .I do not have one.

They said we sound Canadian.


Evey time we talked they just giggled their asses off. Especially when I did. It was giving me a complex.

Anyway, later that evening we ran into them again and the wife asked if we wanted to go to a comedy club. Across the street is this place called The B.O.B. which is a nightclub/bar.

One floor had a live band and the 3rd floor is a comedy club.

So we went there for a few laughs, and trust me, it was hard to get me laughing.

We saw a few comedians I had seen on Comedy Central. So that was nice.

After the show one comedian made a comment about my Lepp shirt. I told him how bummed I was and whatnot, and then he asked me out.


Holy shit. First a roadie of the band asked me out, now this yahoo.

I checked to make sure the girls were inside my shirt, because ya never know if I'm given a peep show and them thinking I'm easy...

After I turned him down, he started making fun of Def Leppard, like he was getting back at me for not going out with him.

I told him at that point if I wasn't so damn tired and so damn homicidal I would likely kidney bunch him and them serve him his balls on a platter. But since I was in a very bad mood I would leave him be, cause I may end up killing him.

He then told me he was sorry and gave me his business card.

what an asshole.

On the train ride there and back my mother and I were so stinking bored that we would text each other, while sitting right next to each other.

Now that is desperate for some attention.

I always hated texting, and thought people looked retarded doing it.

Hello, I'm Flip Flop Momma and I cant stop texting.

I am not ignoring you guys, I'm just so damn tired and don't have many minutes to spare anymore..

Im gone to school from 730am-6pm and every Tuesday 1230-9...plus an hour drive there and back..

This whole school thing is cutting into my lazy time.

Next Friday is my birthday, so Im hopin all my freinds and family have arranged a private Lepp show for me, where they can only perform shirt less and well pant less.

I mean, the fuckers owe me.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Out of tears

So I am back home now from my rocking good Def Leppard show..


I need to stop being so bitter. BUT when all day Tuesday I am calling the arena, and talking to the person who runs Def Leppards website and ALL tell me the show is a go, I guess I assume the show is a go. I mean they did not even post on the site it was postponed until I was already in Michigan.

What a fucking tragic turn of events.

The train ride there was about 17 hours. Nearly the whole way I kept hearing these gay guys talking about semen, insemination, and samples..

I kept having to wash my hands every few minutes..

Then the last time they were talking about it, they were talking about horse sperm.

Thats when I just started banging my head on the window.

Finally around midnight we get to our hotel, where I go right for my bed. And of course I cant sleep, because, I can never sleep.

I lay awake tossing and thinking all night, about what a damn waste this whole trip is and if they would of informed me about this even 12 hours sooner, I could of avoided this whole thing and been able to go back in August which is when they re-scheduled it.

But, NO, they don't roll that way...

My dad told me I need to follow a more depandable band...

What does he know anyway?

Thursday night a friend I know strictly thru Def Leppard came to pick us up..She was going to the show as well, but she lives in Grand Rapids, so it was not much of a loss for her.

So we went to a local bar, drank, sang, drank, then did our own Def Leppard show for the great people of this tiny smoke filled bar.

I am not sure they thoroughly enjoyed it as much as we did...but at this point, does it really matter anyway?

Here we are..

This is mom and I, we always take pics of us before any Def Leppard event.

If the show would of went on, I would of been WAY more slutty looking, hell maybe topless, whose to say....But since it was not, it was just me wearing a sweat shirt, 3 sizes to big and lots of eyeliner, cause thats how I was rolling that night..

Here is me and my Leppard pal..

Here are all of us....

Here we are doing our own Lep show, cause ya no, someone had to put on a damn show..

So then that takes us to Friday, when I was up in my room stewing about how I wanted to go on some sort of shooting up things rampage..

I then decided to go sit outside because it was like 80 degrees out and hell, I had not a thing better to do.

As I am sitting on the bench, these gray buses pull in...Now me with my keen sense of knowing whose damn buses these are, I nearly pee myself..

So them I'm wondering why Def Leppard buses are pulling in, when there is NO show. Then hundreds of people come walking out of hotel..and toward the buses.

It was ALL the road crew....

So I start making nice with one of them, telling him how I came all this way for this piece of shit show and blah blah blah...

He then tells me he is going to go get me something from the bus...

And this is what he brings me..

No, not the cell phone..
These are three very worn, very used guitar pics that some of the guys use while on the bus...
That was nice of him to shower me with gifts of this sort...
I gave one of the pics to my Lepp pal who was in mourning just like I was..
Made us feel a little better, but not enough to not sit and talk about how pissed off and disappointed we still were.
So now I am getting a refund on my tickets, because I am not going back.
Then if all this wasn't bad enough, hubs calls me to inform me that my finical aide for school went thru, BUT they are not giving me the full amount, because they think we make to much money and somehow I can bleed out 5 grand of my own money..
Mind u I start Monday, 21st...TODAY..
So I am suppose to go chat with the gal and she has other options I can look into for the remaining balance I am going to owe.
My life gets cheerier by the freaking mili0second.
I don't feel much like talking anymore about the shit I saw and did on my trip, I'm still very depressed.
And to top all that off, I was 3 hours away from family and friends I have not seen in months, and no one wanted/could come see me. After a 17 hour treck on the rails, it woulda been nice to see a familiar face if even for a few hours.
Kinda makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
I was as close to suicidal tendencies that weekend then I have in my whole life.
No show, and then no one wanted to come see me..
Hell yeah bitches..
I am however planning a trip to Iowa to the state fair in August, because they are playing there....and if they don't show up, there will be puppy kicking.
I wont be around much, I will be gone 60 hours a week for this schooling monkey business and then I suppose with the remaining hours of the days I should take shower, cook and beat the kids.
So right now its Iowa or bust...
I am trying to block this whole entire trip out of my mind. The more I think about it, the more depressed I get.

Thursday, April 17, 2008


Im here at the hotel in downtown sunny Grand Rapids Michigan..

The train was a 17 hour freak show...I wont get into it till I get home..

def leppard show, 4th row:300

Fancy Hotel : 500

Train ride cross country to get to said show: 500

Having the band show up: Priceless...

Yes folks, the concert was postponed whilst I was on the train getting here...

now I am stuck till Saturday...

This has been a just one tragic turn of events after another....

Its a good thing there is a 24 hour waiting peroid to purchase firearms, or I would be out shooting stuff right now.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008


This folks, will be my last post.

I am hoping to be on the fast track outta here Wednesday morning.

I am so looking forward to this show, you can not even imagine..

Hello, my name is Flip Flop Momma and its been 7 months since my last Def Leppard show.

No, No, I do not think I need any help, or meetings or 12 step programs...I am fine with my addiction. Addictions are ok...

You heard it here first.

I am hoping this does not happen...

My luck this will happen..

I mean, you and I both know...this is the kinda shit that WOULD happen to me..


I think the president has been wire tapping my phone lines. Every time I pick up my phone to call someone there is this click click click before the dial tone takes effect..THEN if I get a call when I answer there is a click click click..

Not sure what he is looking for over here, but unless he likes hearing conversations revolving around my plans to take over the world...He is barking up the wrong snow bank...


I have started talking in code now....really gonna throw him off..

But crap, I bet he knows pig Latin, most pigs do.

I will leave you with some pics to remember me by...these are from this past Saturday..
In case my train engulfs in flames and all that are left are my petrified remains, I want you to know what a butter-face I was...

Well I am off to play nurse so this guy here can show up Friday so I don't have to put caps in asses..

Monday, April 14, 2008

The show must go on

Well, so far it seems the show is on.

I think I am going to head over to Canada, where they are at...so I can nurse him back to health...I'm good at that sort of stuff.

I will show him TLC, strip his clothing off so our naked bodies can produce lots of heat by laying next together. I will stroke his.....hair..Run him a hot bath and take extra care to wash all his nooks and crannies..

That's just how I roll..I'm a lover, not a fighter.

And I want this damn concert to go on as per my ticket says..


So as of right now, today...we are getting on the train Wed. morning at 430am. Now my sister keeps telling my mom she has a bad feeling about this train ride and is advising us not to go..She thinks its going to derail..

Now my sister is no Medium or hell even a Sylvia Brown, so we will go..

But if my train does happen to derail, I will call her for lotto numbers.

So I had to run to the store on Sunday and I took my darling little 8 year old Blondie with me. We were wandering around and she sees little girl sports bras.

She informed me she thought she needed those..

My 8 year old thinks she needs a bra.

So I buy them for her, because I am a mom who supplies her kids with bras and such.

We get home and she goes right to her room to put one on.

Throughout the day she told me how bras are so itchy and its just a pain in the butt we women even need them.

I swear, sometimes I think I am living in the Twilight Zone.

Friday, April 11, 2008


Two tickets to Def Leppard show..(4th row):$300.00

Two train tickets to Michigan: $400.00

Three nights at fancy hotel where my boys stay: $400.00

Postponing show due to lead singer being ILL: not cool!

This has not yet been officially confirmed...

but if it happens, I will be drooling in the coroner of a padded cell somewhere by daybreak.

oh and my son pissed in the litter box today...

see what kind of barnacles goes on when they cancel school..

Im going to drink heavily..

Good BYE

I cant tell you why

So my baby boy came home from 5th grade today and informed me he had some sort of Growth and Development class at the school where they forced my baby to hear about the grotesque anatomy of not only the male body, but the female as well.

This is big news.

I remember when we had these movies and classes..

Only thing I can remember about the male movie was them showing a boy standing by his locker with a boner in his pants..and that if we saw things of this nature we should not tease because it was something they can not control.

From 5th grade onto 12th grade I always watched for boners in the hallway...

Anyhoo enough about me...I asked him what he learned about the girls.

He was blushing and said he didn't want to say.

So I forced it out of him and you know what he said..

you mean you want me to tell you about breast size?

holy shit no....please don't talk to your mom with the huge rack about breast size...thanks for the bonding son.

Then he went on to say that he learned about sperm and eggs making bratz and then they start growing in the girls uterus.

Then the baby is taken out by surgical scissors.

come again...did they not teach my boy about the wonder of the vagina?

I did not ask anymore, as my heart was starting to give out..I already know one day he will wake up like this..

Then to top off the sex talk, we are under a Winter Storm Warning and could get about a foot of snow by Saturday morning.

If anything puts me in suicidal tendencies, its this.

it was just 55 outside yesterday.

I cant take it anymore. I am the flip flop momma, not the snow boot momma.

Anyway, this is my trauma for today..

Nothing like talking breast size with the 11 year tot...its priceless.

Try it.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

The End of the Innocence

Have you ever had a revelation? I know that whore Oprah calls it an a-ha moment, and I think that sounds retarded and stupid.

i think Oprah not only thinks she is as close to God Himself here on Earth, but I think she is a douche bag...but thats all another post people.

I think revelation sounds more grown up...more astute if you will.

Things have been running through my hallow head the last couple of months, and well, I have pondered many a thing..

Pondering is something I like to do. It tends to make me feel even shitter then I already do. Because when you ponder, your thinking about things that are not happening, or you want to happen or things you wish you could change.

When I ponder its normally because I am stressed to the max and I am needing to change an aspect of something..What?..I never know..

Its just something I try to figure out.

Its almost a feeling of despair...only not..

Now people will say..

you have three beautiful healthy kids, a very nice home, a good man who dresses like a fuddy duddy, but still good, great friends...blah blah freakin blah..

sure, I have those things..BUT...I can still sit around and wallow in my own self pitty. Because not only am I human, but I also no there is more to me then those things. I was me before I had kids, a poorly dressed fella, my own home..all that..

The only thing I know for certain is me. Its the only thing that does not puzzle me...because hell, I programmed it all.

I have known me for almost 33 years now. I know how I work. I know all the ins and outs of me.

And I know im not happy right now and I have so many things on mind that I want to unload in a poopy diaper refinery.

But I cant...because there is no such thing.

I don't know if its the fact this fucking state only has nice weather for 3 weeks out of the year, or that I cant seem to find many sain people here..

Take for instance this woman who lives behind me...She lives BEHIND my house, down about 3 houses. There are not many trees so beyond my backyard is all open space..

This woman, who obviously has never had an a-ha moment, has these cats. I am not sure how many, but enough, lets just leave it at that.

She puts her damn cats on leashes and walks them around. Now this isn't the odd thing, or the thing that pisses me off. I mean its weird to walk your cat on a leash, I don't care what you say...BUT that's not it.

She will take her cats, sometimes a couple at a time and walk them to the her neighbors yard so they can shit or piddle. She will even go on their deck, grab a lawn chair and sit..

She also brings her cats way over to my side, sits her chubby ass on the wall in my backyard and lets her cats frolic in my yard...

I kindly told her two years ago to keep her God forsaken cats out of my yard..

Kindly, I swear to GOD...

yet, she does it.

One day last summer she was sitting on my wall with her f-ing cats in my yard and I decided this would be a good time to let my dog out.

My dog decided one of her cats would make a nice rag doll..

Mind you, my dog is the size of an over weight cat..

I then told her that this was my yard, my property and I had asked her to keep her felines off my property, because frankly I was not sure why she did not let them in her yard. She has a nice yard , even has a chain link fence in the back..

But see, this lady is stupid. Stupid people bother me.

I just saw her moments ago in the neighbors yard sitting on their lawn chair while her cats are doing God knows what in their yard..

This is what I mean, people here in this state are just way to unstable for me taste.

But let me get back to my point...

I was pondering right? I cant recall, damnit, see I get side tracked and forget where I was or what my name is..

Anyway, I'm stressing out a bit.

Ya see, I think the hubs and I are ready for a change. I think he is ready to move on. I don't think he is happy at his current profession.

I think we are both kinda tired of the weather here...tired of everything here..

The school sytem is all fuckered up in this city.

There are more losers, then not.

I feel out numbered by butter-faces and summer-teeth people.


We are pondering selling our house and uprooting.

after he finds employment of course...

I think he wants to become a teacher...

this is what he went to college for, has a Bachelor's Degree in Science and Math...yet he is a project engineer whom works in the twin cities...and we do not...so its a drive.

Which would mean a substantial drop in our income, but when I'm done with school, I will be making enough to make up the difference.

I already know I can transfer my hours to another beauty college once I get going..

Its just a big decision to make.

Hence why I am pondering things...

There are a few other things bothering me, but frankly, those are none of your business. And it would make for poor blogging material. Trust me.

Was this another rant? if it was my apologies to you and yours..I'm having a very stressful period right now...

And stress and me are no longer friends.

It effects me in bad ways..

Plus side, one week from today I leave for my concert...

Its the only thing getting me thru right now..otherwise I would be on the roof with a bottle of vodka.

Well im pretty sure Oprah is on..Gotta get my church lesson for the week, God is speaking thru her im sure of it.

.I mean she is sure of it.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Rag Doll

Im warning you now, this post will be a tad rantish and I will be sprinkling the F-bomb around like its carpet fresh room deodorizer. So if your at all faint of heart, or don't want to read some choice 4 letter words, just put your shoes back on and leave for today.

I have mentioned before about our house in the Homeland that has been for sale since 2004. The bitch wont sell because no one wants to buy a home there...Its a hole in the wall sorta city, sorta like this one....BUT that's beside the point.

Anyway, since we moved here we have had several renters in the house. Which has sorta been helpful, because we would pay the house payment with the rent..

Last summer the people living in it not only could not afford the rent, but when they moved out, they left without paying any of their bills.

So at this point we decided to let the bank have their house back, because frankly, it was giving me a fucking ulcer.
Our realestate lady found other people to rent it until the whole foreclosure thing was complete...she said no sense in not renting it and making some extra money.

So thats what we have been doing...I think we have about 5 more months before the house is not ours...its still for sale, so there is always a glimmer of hope it will sell...doubtful, but its there.

Well, I don't know who lives in the house, don't know the name or phone number, because she takes care of everything...She never told us the name never gave us the info.

So, the middle of March came and we still had no rent, which is not uncommon because these asshats have never paid on time..But when we finally got a hold of her, she told us they did not have the money now, but would by months end.

Now this is my issue. The rent is only 500 bucks a month. Who can not afford that? I am not sure why these white trashy folks think they don't have to pay rent.

I mean I would love to not have to make my 1100 monthly payment to Wells Fargo bank, but if I don't, they will take my house bye bye..

For the last 3 weeks we have been calling and leaving her messages, to which she does not return.

It is now going on the middle of April and we are now owed 1,000 smackaro's.

I just wanna fly there, knock on my fucking door and kidney punch all of them. even the tots. even the dog, if there is one...
My realestate lady is very unprofessional. I think because of the fact she is sure she wont be seeing any money from this house, she doesn't give a shit.

Well, the nice email and message I left her today will make her think twice about screwing me over.

We have paid her tons of money over the last 3 years and she aint done shit...

Now she wont return calls. Again.

Im a fixing to put a cap in her ass, then kick her in the shins, then pulling her hair out, stomping on her gut, then stealing her wallet.

All in a days work for me.

She goes to church with my grandma and played the fucking organ at my grandpa's funeral. So I don't want to be to brutal to her as my grandma has to see her every Sunday, but golldamnit, this bitch is tired of it.

Im tired of being nice to her because she is a friend of my grandma's. Im just going to treat her like I do everyone else.

Like shit.

Since its been muddy and shit, I have a sign on my door to please remove your shoes. Normally I dont care, because I have to wear shoes other wise my feet get sore. Im old that way so screw off.

My mother made some smart ass comment about her having to take her shoes off yet mine were on.

This is what I told her.

well, its my house, I can clean up after myself...This however is NOT your house and if you have issue taking your shoes off, then don't come over...

now take your fucking shoes off or leave,

I know..I blew up..

But damnit, I'm tired of her thinking she doesn't have to obey the rules here.

I have another rule. No drinking in my living room. Guess who drinks in here?

So the other day I told her she needs to get her drink out of my living room before something bad happens.

Im tired of her not thinking the rules apply to her.

Please, don't come here if you don't want to listen to the house rules. If God Himself came into my house without taking His sandals off, I would put a nicely placed cap in His ass too...
For Petes sake, I obey rules...why does everyone else think they don't need to?

You don't wanna pay your rent?

don't...I mean it works for some people.
You don't wanna take your shoes off when stepping foot in my house?
Don't, but don't expect to stay long, because I will kick you out, then shove one or both your shoes up your pooper.
Cause thats how I roll.

And another thing, don't tell me your going to start dressing better, then still wear the same crap daily. I have been waiting for your one GQ thing a week, for two fucking weeks now.

you are officially cut off.
Im getting pissy here folks. Can u tell?

I will leave you with some pics over the last couple weeks..

this was just a Friday nite karaokeing....im cool as shit...see

same nite, im cozying up to my fuzzy pull over, cause its cold...

me and pale girl....

the more i look, the more i think she may not be capable of producing color..

Ok, sorry for the vile post, but its my blog....and thats how shit is done...

Monday, April 07, 2008

Hell bent or leather

Well my weekend was not so pleasant. I do believe this is the first weekend in I don't know how long I stayed home both Friday and Saturday. Normally I go do some karaoke one night, or hell even both.

But Thursday I started coming down with laryngitis and some major sinus draining.

By the time Friday got here I could barley talk. Saturday the hubs kept telling me stop talking because it was getting on his nerves..

I was like SWEET...

I am still have trouble talking, but its slowly getting better..

Saturday I went to the school I will be attending for the tour and to register.

She showed me the kit you get the first day and holy crap. I had the equivalent of a wet dream when I saw it.

When I went the first time in 94 my kit consisted of a shitty pair of scirrors, some metallic rollers, some clips, a comb and one mannequin head.

This however, is the mother load...We walked by this show case I was thinking damn thats sweet.

Then she told me my kit comes with EVERYthing in the show case..

Here are just some things in it.

two pair of scissors, thinning shears, blow dryer, curling irons, flat irons, 5 mannequin heads, about 20 brushes 30 combs, dozens of perm robs all sizes, styling products..

I know...your getting hot now aren't u....I mean literally there are thousands of things..

I walked away from that show case like a crack addict walking outta of a crack house..I was sweaty, shaky, unstable balance, and had craving for carbs.

She said the kit was so huge it came in its own duffel bag.

OK, im drooling again, I need to stop talking about it...

Now back when I went to beauty school in 1994 it was roughly 3500..And my dear ole father paid it..

Guess how much it is now?..Go ahead..

Nope your not even close..

Almost 16,000


They better teach me how to spin gold.


Well the GQ did not happen this weekend..I swear if he doesn't start getting with the program, I'm gonna go nuts.

All I ask is that you dress sexier then u do now I'm not talking gold chains and chest hair.. Just don't look how u do now.

Is that too much to freaking ask?

I mean, after 13 years of marriage, throw be a fucking bone for Gods sake.

lets keep up with some maintenance...

We women are visual creatures..If your dressing all fuddy duddy-ish, we are not going to want to give you any loving after hours, because frankly, you look like our fathers.

And we don't want to pork our dads..

Nuff said..


Here are a couple links to a few more songs I did..

They are both Don Henely songs...



and one Eagles song.


Im done here.

Friday, April 04, 2008

groovy kinda love

ok there are three songs now..im done, I swear to GOD

My post is below this..

Groovy mom told me about a karaoke site u can record your song on..

Here is one for today..

Sorry its bad quality...I am just getting my voice back from a day of drainage and coughing..

I promise there will be better ones..


Goin back a little retro Elton John..Not many are gonna know this one..but tis one of my favs..

for some reason my blog wont let me embed shit..so go to this site and take a listen


Please no nasty comments...My pride cant take a blow today..I know its not the best, but hey, I dont have a real mic, amps or a fucking audience...my voice is sqeeky cause I have slight larengitis...so whatever..

Ta ta

Ok I added one more...its a Heart one..This was the first time I sang this in about 6 years..

I need to work on it..I know..


and a little Taylor Dayne..


I swear, thats it...

for this week..

I will try again when my cold goes away..

Rock and a hard Place

Remember when I was talking about the shemale who worked at Walmart? The one with boobs, yet with a beard?

Well while my mom and I were at our normal Wednesday karaoke establishment, they were talking about her...

How do you know I knew they were talking about her/him?

I heard them saying..

you know that person in the checkout at walmart with the dandruff and the beard?

Oh, you mean the chick?

yea yea, she grosses me out...I mean it cost 10 bucks to wax your face, I mean lets pitch in and get her a wax.

How about a pair of tweezers?

No, that would take her all day....

and whats up with her stench...

I mean I feel sorry for her, but man, come on...

thats how I know they were talking about Pat.

Damn bar flies always talkin smack bout someone...

I mean I do it on the privacy of my blog...because thats how I roll.


So I have been speaking openly with my hubs on the way he dresses. Ya see, he dresses like a fuddy duddy..I realize he IS a fuddy, but I am just not ready to be married to one..

I find certain looks extremely sexy...like take this for instances..

OK, you got me, thats my personal photo of Zac Efron...my mistake...

But you get my drift.

I have issues with men who tuck in their shirts.

..I think its WAY hot when a guy wears his polo and even dress shirts untucked...with jeans..

wrinkle free of course.

Pardon while I wipe the drool off my keyboard.

I have tried telling the hubs this, and he refuses..

Then one day we are watching a commercial or some shit and there is a man with a nice pair of faded jeans and an untucked shirt...

So he says..i like that look

what the hell?..I have been begging u to dress this way for YEARS...I have been trying to de-bug your crappy dress portion of your brain, but you have some sort of electrical prodding fence up and I have been unable to access it..

Until Now.

SO then he got on this kick about getting GQ magazine..

He told me he is going to try and do one GQ thing a week..

Is that funny or what?

So far it hasn't happened. But I have high hopes for next week...

And he is also all up in my shit about what Dr Oz says on Oprah, because apparently someone died and made Dr Oz in charge of the world's health issues..and we cant talk no smack bout Dr Oz or it causes the silent treatment.

Which I rather enjoy.

Then I saw this today..

And although I did get a good giggle and a near miss piddle accident....It made me happy..

Ahhh good times, good times..

So in the meantime, I am trying to get my hubs from this..

ok, obviously this is not him, but leave the helmet and take away the skatboard and it might as well be...sonofabitch..

To this finish product..
I am thinking my new beauty skills will be come in handy with this project..

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Cherry Pie

So, one month from today is my birthday and two weeks from today I leave for a rip roaring Def Leppard concert in Michigan..

Don't be jealous, and don't be haters...

Hubs and I went to a Chinese buffet in a neighboring city for our nice anniversary dinner..

I know, I know, it doesn't get much freaking better then a good Chinese buffet to celebrate your wedding anniversary..

blah blah..

I'm gonna have the GI trots soon, cause that's how my intestines roll bitches..


So I made a decision of some sort, now this decision may be about as worthy as a dirty sack of diapers, but I have enrolled in a local beauty college. I did this back in 1994 and did it a very very short period of time.

I gave it much thought and after years of doing other things like sitting on my ass and chasing kids, writing professionally, being a concert groupie,working with the convicts, and then working with the crazies, I thought it was best to find something stable..

So, starting April 21st, I'm gonna be doing this..

I'm going to be a make up artist and hair designer...

again, don't be a hater..

I might be making a total mistake, but most dumb people are blissfully unaware of how dumb they really are..

Its pretty sad when i can relate nearly every day of my life with either a Simpson's episode or a Spongebob one..

This means I have sunk to the bottom of the white trash barrel.

Or else means I watch way too much television.

In the end, does it matter?

I think not.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Dirty Laundry

So where should I start....

You all know my dryer broke down just after Christmas, and I have yet to purchase another one, because A I hate spending money, and B I have no money to spend..


Anyway, after spring break I have a back load of laundry because frankly, I have not done shit all week, ask the hubs he will verify this in writing.

I am tired of stiff things..now don't get my wrong, I appreciate stiff things once in a while, like a drink or dead animal...But I do miss nice hot fluffy towels..

So I did the unthinkable Saturday.

This hoe went to the local laundromat.

I have never step foot in this laundromat ever, well I have never really spent any length of time in ANY for that matter.

So Blondie and I go up for some mother daughter bonding time, and we walk in and I totally have no idea what to do. I can not tell the washers from dryers and I did not know where to find quarters..

Once my kin showed me where all the stuff was..she goes with my mom once in a while so she knows how shit is done. I had no idea how to work the machines when i got in.

I mean the washers seemed like they were manufactured the first year washers came out..All the directions were rubbed off the lid, so it was by guess and by God.

Whilst in the cleaning clothes facility I felt as though everyone was staring at us. My daughter and I were the only Caucasians in there...I felt out numbered.

No one was watching their tots, there were a bunch of teeny tiny Mexican babies putting themselves in dryers and shutting the doors..

None of the parents were giving a shit.

As I was emptying out my linens from the dryer so I could fold them, one of these tiny babies was trying to help me unload my clean clothes with their dirty hands.

I told her to go away...

So she went back in the dryer and closed the door.

Now I normally don't take such precision in folding clothes, I mostly just try and make due, because I am going to be ironing them before wear anyway..

BUT since I felt the need to impress all the natives, I took my time and folded them like I was folding my military duds.

I have decided that warm, fluffy linens are WAY over rated...

I will not ever step foot in another laundromat as long as I live..

Oh the shame....

Im gonna hang dry my shit like I been doing for the last 2 months, cause thats how I roll..and if its good enough for the cave men, its good enough for me.


This Tuesday, April Fools Day will mark my 13th wedding anniversary...

Look here we are that day,,

And look, here is me and my lesbian pal whom was the maid of honor, or best man, however she wants to be referred as...I don't know..

Yeah....Look how young we look....

As compared to this..

Oh, and my present is a trip to a nice hot place this fall...

Can we say Hawaii bitches?