grandmas dead

Looks like me, my girls and my mom are heading out...

Driving 22 hours..

My boo is gonna miss her party...

so if your driving here...dont.

Be back sunday..

hot dessert climate, with scorpians and ratterls..

here we come..

sonofabtich

Breaking News

We inturupt this scheduled blogging moment..to let u know...

Grandma died....

The woman who took me bar hopping when I was three days old in a fucking box......

is DEAD..

Im not sure whats going to happen...Not sure if im going to go spit on the grave, or if im gonna just stay here and drink...

All I know..is this very wicked woman..

is feeling the heat..

Amen Bitches...

Party all the time

I am having a BIG party Friday. Wanna come? No, I'm serious...I would invite my family but they would just ignore me like they did when I sent them all invitations to Thanksgiving.

And I asked them two months ago...and since this is such short notice, no sense in asking..Driving 16 hours for my baby's birthday is NO reason to come here...

My hubs family is the worst...

But since everyone and I mean EVERYONE I sent an email about Thanksgiving too ignored me, I say heck with them all...



Not even a


I'm working at the homeless shelter sorry..




I'm going to see Ma-maw at the nursing home..


i don't fucking wanna come..




So why bother inviting them to my babies 5th birthday party.



That's right folks, my BABY will be 5 years of age this coming Friday..



So if u wanna come...your more then welcome...

Just don't plan on me waiting on you, being polite, or even caring that your here..


Thats how I roll...




Look at my baby...
























See, look at her....if this was your niece, or your grandkid, you would wanna come see this wouldn't u?


Sure, its a 16 hour drive, but its a 3 day weekend for Gods sake....take some time off 4 the family..




Thats what Jesus would do..



Look, how could u turn this down?


























She went from a cute chubby baby, to a 5 year old girl who wants to be a rockstar..


just like her momma.







She wants to marry every Jonas Brother, plus Zac Efon. She has big plans.



She has posters of boys all over her bedroom walls. She always has to look nice. She will dress herself then asks me if I think she is pretty.







yes baby, your pretty, even if your clothes don't match, your face has jelly on it, and your underwear are showing..







This is her now..
































See her mirror? She is always looking in a mirror. Wanna know why?





So she can see what she looks like, thats why...

























































































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Yes, yes, that is a High School Musical blanket she has on her bed.



She is all hard core that way...



My little girl is the kinda gal that would give you her last chicken nugget..

Well, no, no she wouldn't....



But she would give u a bite...a small one..



She loves her kitty. She loves the color pink, and she loves boys.



When her and I are driving in the car she always asks me to turn on a Def Leppard cd, and she always says..



can we wisten to it woud momma..



she has trouble with her L's...get off her damn back before I drop kick you.



This is the last kid that will live in the confines of my uterine walls for 9 months.

And damn it, I'm having a big party.




We are going to cookout on the grill, have some Mikes Hard Lemonade, have a bonfire and roast some marshmallows.


Since she is only 5, she is not allowed to drink a whole bottle of Mikes...maybe next year..


Guess I better break out the Country Time lemonade..


So if u wanna come on by....I'll see ya here...





I will even let me use my shitter while you're here..

Dont steal anything...

and I might even let u touch my guitar..

On second thought, I am not a big fan of people, entertaining, or just being happy in general..

Maybe next year...

when hell freezes over

Every Wednesday the ice cream truck comes tooling down my street. Every Wednesday my tots sit in the driveway anticipating the arrival of said truck. You can hear the bitch coming from blocks away because it has those chimes ringing. Oh those fucking chimes..

Its almost like the driver of the truck wants a good ball beating. I'm sure he does. He must. Or he wouldn't parade down my street like he has my kids hopes and dreams in the backside of his truck.

Oh wait. He does.

Last week my girls sat in the driveway and waited and waited. It was raining and I told them the truck likely wont be coming..

They waited. For 3 hours.

In.The.Rain.

I finally had to bribe them in the house...they cried and wondered why the ice cream truck had forsaken them.

I was almost hoping the truck was closing shop for the summer. Because it normally does come in the rain.

But I do recall the damn truck making rounds around Halloween time last year, so I kinda knew this was not the case.

So this morning when my tots woke up the first thing out of the 4 year olds mouth was..

momma is today Wednesday?

Everyday she asks. I'm sure she will even ask tomorrow.

The talk of the ice cream truck was kind of setting well in my mind. I had not had ice cream in, God knows how long. I told Blondie to get me a Choco Taco.

Never had one?

Its a damn bloody shame..

I had this in my mind all day. How good its going to be to bite into my stale, cold, soggy waffle shell my taco sits in.

Its what got me thru the day..

Blondie set her watch to the approximate time she thought the truck would be making waves down the street.

She was set.

Money in hand.

" you know what momma wants right?"

"yup...u want a taco"

" no no, a CHACO taco, make sure u add the chaco part"

"got it mom"

I sit in here and watch my tots thru the window..There is a line...all the kids are giddy and ready for their soon to be sugar high.

I sit down on the coach and get prepared to eat my Chaco Taco.

One must prepare for these things.

She comes running in all smiles..

They.Had.NO.CHaco.Tacos.

WTF?

So she got me this pink panther ice cream thing..

because I told her once I liked to watch Pink Panther when I was a kid.

I looked at the label.

100 calories and no fat.

Sure this is going to be bad...very very bad.

When you prepare all day for an event, it gets your ovaries all in a tizzy when it does not pan out.

Curse the man who doesn't bring me a chaco taco.

There is a nice hot place in hell for that dude.

~
After Def Leppard, whats my next love?

anyone, anyone..

Don't say Elton John or Prince...

yes yes, they are my pride and joys, but I'm talking a band..

They are coming to the Target Center in Minneapolis on Sept 30th.

This bitch is going come hell or HIGH water...

I'M just saying....

Fat BOTTOM girls...

dont 4get to scroll down to last post to see my Lepp pics and my ass on stage with Everclear...dont know em?..yeah, me either..

The Boy whom is 11, and heading to 6th grade is troubled. This lad is just disgusted.

He wants those ads on tv for male enhancement removed ASAP..its like a Code Blue for him.

In this one ad, the woman says..

enjoy more

feel more

see more

My son wants to know what u need to see.

He told me that if this commercail is about what he thinks it is, he is just disgusted.

And really he is right..

There are so many commercials out there about the penis.

What is so great about the penis?

consult your doc if your wanker is erect for more then 4 hours, and be sure to ask if its ok if u go on a big screwing spree cause if your ticker cant take, might wanna get some lotion out..

if your wife thinks your weenie is a tad too teenie, take our pill to plump your member. I mean your wife married you when she clearly knew you didn't know what to do with your Johnson, so lets make it rounder, and plumper so u can really give it to her....

I am so sick of these ads...

Put them on the Playboy channel where the pervs and skanks hang out...they need it..

My tots don't need to hear it..

thankyouverymuch.

~

Wanna know how bored I was today?

So bored I watched a whole movie on HBOLT...if you do not know what that is, is HBO Latino.

It plays movies that are on regular HBO, BUT..its all in Spanish.

I don't know a damn lick of Spanish...So I think I am going to start watching a movie a day on it..its going to be my own personal language coach..

By years end I will be fluently speaking with the best of the Latinos out there..

Its gonna be a sweet day for me.

~

Ok, I will tell you more about my trip to see my fella's and post some more pics...

I get to the fair around 2. But I have to arrive thru gate 13..

We are dropped off at gate 9. I took a city bus because all the parking lots were full, and thats just where they dropped us off.

I kindly ask where the hell gate 13 is...I need gate 13...

HELLO, GATE 13, ITS ME, WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?

I kid you not, it was at least a 2 mile walk to gate 13. I get to gate 13 and tell them I need my fair ticket, because since I am VIP I get a free fair ticket.

I walk 2 damn miles, in my flip flops, in the heat..to find out all they were doing was radioing the Administrators building to see if my name was on the list..then bam, im in.

I coulda done this at any damn gate...why did they tell us gate 13?

Because they are all douche bags...thats why

The VIP party was, well, technically backstage, because it was in the back of the grandstands right in front of the tour buses..

In dirt and grass..it was crowded and smelly..

hell yeah bitches..

After the party my pals Jules and Karrie and I walked over to the Margarita tent, I mean holy shit...u cant go to a concert and not consume mass quantities of spirits..

I had tons of stupid folk come up and ask if my tattoo was real.

Never in my life have I been asked that.

I felt like sayin..

no, Jules and I hung out at the face painting tent and she spent hours painting this on my back, because well, she is semi retarded and wanted to color...

We were kinda getting annoyed...

Then after the show I had people come up to me telling me the saw my tattoo on the big screen when the song Hystria was played. I had no idea they did that. The HOT security guy told me he tried getting the camera man to do, but he couldnt get his attention, but somehow, one of them did, cause boy, I heard about it..

Jules is the kinda gal that makes her own party, kinda like me...

Her and I were just like two peas in one rockin pod.

Everyone wanted to stand by us, because well, we are fucking awesome that way..

During the show I was making eye contact with the very cute drummer. He would just stare and grin at me...At one point I said "u rock rick"...and he winked at me.

While I was on stage dancing with the opening act, Rick was back there by his drum kit..I waved at him, and he told me "nice tattoo"

If he would of asked me if it was real, I was going to go bust his knee caps.

After the show he came out and walked down the catwalk, he winked at me as he went by, then when he was shaking hands he grabbed mine extra hard and squeezed it and winked at me..

See here he is making his way 2 me..

He is damn adorable...his curly locks, his great smile, his baby face..

Oh, he is a dream...

Where Jules and I were sitting, we had some views of their back sides. When they went to the front of the cat walk, we just saw the butts.

Butts aren't bad..

Here are some..

See, I got lots of ass that night....which is not a bad thing..

This is me standing right by the stage, which is where our seats were...Thanks to Jules..

Gawd I want to marry her.

That is the lead singer of Everclear there in the back...

Lets see..what else can I show you?

I love him....we were suppose to marry, but then The Hubs well, brainwashed me...

and well, I'm still here...

sonofabitch...

I could sit and talk about this night for weeks, as you all know, because after every Lepp show I spend days posting pics and talking about it in very intricate detail..

I know some of u could give two shits less, and well...

Poo on u..

For 21 years this band has been at my side.

I cant say that about any of you, now can I?

Damn people..

anyway, it was a great time, even the hubs liked walking around the fair and my late night calls telling him I was onstage dancing with the band..or to tell him I had sweat on my hands from being touched by them, or how I felt up their legs..

This was one of the best times I have had at a Lepp show..

Its not even the seats, because I normally sit in the first 3 rows at least..so thats not it..

I think it was the company I had..

I go to this show to meet some gals I met on the Lepp forum...Not knowing anything about them other then we all love the band.

(hubs was worried he would have to call Nancy Grace to find my dis-membered remains)

I was unsure if we would get along, because frankly, I hate people and rarely like anyone.

But these girls kicked ass..

Jules, Kerrie and I are going to shows together next year..

Jules and I have to keep Kerrie focused, she likes to hold up walls and smother the security guys with love..

They are awesome and I cant wait to do another show with them..

Jules and I bonded over stories I had...and we will leave it at that;)

~

Thought I would update you on the woman I can not call granny....

She isn't dead yet.

There is your update.

Im back

Ok, Im back from my big Hoo-Raaay at the ever lovin Iowa State Fair.




As far as fairs goes, this was well..a fucking fair..




It was hot. There were tons of people touching me...It was dirty and it smelled.











The show was great.







The seats I ended up having..(which I did not sit in them, as we stood at the stage whole show) were wonderful.








I even was pulled up on stage to dance with Everclear..the opening act.







never heard of them?..










Yeah me either..



We danced to Brown-eyed Girl..




































Thats me, there, on the damn stage..SEE?







Here I am. I am the first one up there...





This is Jules and I by Rick Allens drum kit..






























Here is the whole gang that ended up on stage...


























See me there making my devil horns?





I am not just going to post some random pics...





I dont have time to discuss, or to explain...













Im trying to plan my next show..


Detroit maybe? on saturday?






Maybe bitches..

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im tired of posting pics..

Maybe another day...

here is a link with more pics...cause im lazy that way..

http://www.rockyou.com/show_my_gallery.php?source=ppsl&instanceid=120525552

Lets Get Rocked...

Somethings have come up over the last couple days that I feel I need to vent and spew all over my website, cause really, thats why I have one..

So people out there can read it and say to themselves...

self, I'm not going to do myself in today because this whack job needs my help, I would rather see her go first..

I'm here for the people.

Anyway, I am still leaving Saturday morning around 6 am for Iowa...Because frankly, this is the only thing getting me thru right now.

This post may get a tad bit lengthy, its gonna have a lot of girth, it may also contain bits of stagnant and pungent odors.

My first complaint is for the neighbors to stop yelling "Koda" all day and all night thru out the hood.

Put your damn dog on a leash before I get the pepper spray out...

You would not have to call your dog at all hours if u killed it.

I'm just sayin..

~
My trip to Mt Rushmore may be put to a stop.

No NO, not because I have broke any laws....

yet...

It seems The Boy has band camp starting next week.

Hello douche bags, its STILL summer vacation...damnit..

And The Boy is going to play the Trombone...he needs all the band camping he can get I guess.

Yes I said band camp, get your giggles out for Christ sake so we can get along with this..

Ya done?..

good..

Ok, my mother calls me crying last night..I don't do well with people and tears and emotions and stuff.

My brain is more hard wired to be that of a stealth robot. We have no emotions, but we get shit done..

I guess her sister called her to inform her that their "mother" is not doing well and that if she wanted to see her before the big one hit, she might wanna head on a jet plane.

Let me give you a little back story on my ole...granny...

DO u know I cant even say that out loud? I have never called her that or ever said that out loud..EVER.

In my life I have only had one set of grandparents...And one died last summer and the one is doing well driving me crazy telling me about how it makes her nervous to drive in cars with her 80 year old friends because well, they don't drive so well anymore..cause they are 80!

Mind you she is going to be 81....but she would rather take a bus then drive with other old ladies..

Anyway...this woman who is technically my grandmother is some piece of work.

In my 33 years of life I have seen her not more then a handful of times.

No Xmas gifts, no birthday calls, she wouldn't come to my wedding, no calls when I had babies of my own...no nothing. And you all know how I like to get shit...

When I was a couple days old, my mom had to go back in the hospital for a week because she came down with an infection of some sort..

And my dad not being the hands on baby man, I was left with my real grandparents.

One day while I was napping nicely at grandma and grandpa's...that woman came to the door and asked them if she could take me for a while.

Being I was brand new and still had that new car smell, who wouldn't want to see a new baby?

So my grandma being the nice lady she is, and not thinking anything bad would happen, let that woman take me for the day.

Now this could be where some of my issues stem from. I cant say for sure as I don't recall any of it..

But this is what happen to me.

This woman took me from my nice grandmothers arms and into a cardboard box..

Yup..I said a box.

Little ole me was laying in a box on the floor of the back seat of this woman's car..

Wanna know where she took me?

I know your just dying to know.

She took me bar hopping along the lake shore...

In.A.Box.

I am not sure how I was found or what happen after that, but this woman and my aunt took me bar hopping.

Not only were they driving with a week old lassie in the back..I was in a fucking box.

And they were drunk.

Now thats my kinda granny...

Last month my mothers sister was diagnosed with cancer. She was told it was spread thru her whole entire body.

The woman called my mom to tell her that the sister was getting what she deserved and she hoped her death was painful and agonizing.

This is the kind of monster we are dealing with.

The woman will then call my aunt telling her how much she loves her and blah blah...

Fucking psycho she is..

My mom said she does not want to go see her.

Her childhood was filled with beatings..

Both her parents were nurses...My grandfather..(puke puke) was once the Director of Nurses at the homeland hospital...So they were well educated peeps.

The woman was a psych nurse for 20 years....which to this day blows my ever loving mind..

Once when my mother got cut on a piece of glass, her dad sewed her cut up..

with fishing line..and no numbing shot.

I can sort of see why she does not want to go.

But I do.

I want to go see her...and just smother her with a card board box.

I want to spit on her grave and then let my dog take a healthy one on it.

Some of you wont understand this, some of you will...

I just feel the need to let it all out..to tell her what a horrible person she is, and that she is getting what SHE deserves.

I want to claw her eyes out, I want to put a kink in her catheter.

This woman has brought nothing but misery to anyone or anything she has touched.

Not many people can make that claim, but she can.

I realize this is not what a normal Christian gal would say.

But I'm not normal. Some might argue im not Christian, to that I say

fuck you...

I think my mother should go, mainly for her sisters..

They live in New Mexico and since they live there, they will have to deal with everything...and I think she should go to be there for them.

They all went thru this horrid childhood together, so I think they should all bury it together.

So we may be driving there..

With my tots...

a 21 hour drive.

So I can spit on a grave and have damn good meal after the funeral.

One good thing about funerals is the food afterwards..

That would almost be worth the drive.

This bitch likes to eat.

Bad....

Its getting closer to my trip to Iowa where I will parade around in a slutty shirt of some sort, cause well, that's what I do..

I'm looking forward to this a great deal. I don't look forward to many things in life...

You all can vouch for that.

Its been a while since I have been a VIP at a Lepp show..

ok, since last Sept, but it seems like a damn lifetime ago...

I can barely contain myself...

Thats a pick of the boys I took two years ago in Fargo...I just love that one..

Anyway, the day I get back from my 6 hour jaunt to visit the boys, I'm leaving for camping.

Now my plans have changed...

Pale Girl has backed outta the deal....so I'm going without her.

But I have changed the course of the trip. We are not going up north, or going to the campground in SD I was thinking about..

We are still going to South Dakota..

But we are going here instead.

http://mountrushmore.areaparks.com/

My bad ass, is going to travel along the bad lands, the black hills and hell I am even going to go sit Crazy Horse's a lap..

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We have not decided if we are going to use our tent or the tee-pee the grounds provide. I'm all cultured and shit, but not sure if I'm cultured enough to enjoy three nights in a tee pee...

I am not sure if me staying in a tee pee would be some sort of disgrace to the Native Americans...I'm sure it would be..

It has to be..

I don't want to get the Cherokee's head dresses in a knot..so I guess I should rough it in a tent..

I'm sorry we stole your land...please just let me sleep in peace...take the tots..they love doing those rain dances and shit..and the little one loves feathers.

And they Love Pocahontas..

Its a nearly nine hour drive...and Lord knows I have done enough driving this summer...

In the last month alone I have driven to or thru 6 states, so why not make it 7?

This bitch likes to travel as much as the next wandering salesman, but hell, I am not looking forward to another case of restless ass syndrome.

Its all for the love of the tots..

So I wont be around much...I'm taking the rest of this week to prepare for my concert and to get camping gear into place...

I will try to post some concert pics Sunday when I get back...but I wont have a whole lotta time..

Then I'm leaving Monday morning around 5 am to head to the black hills..

I will be back Thursday evening sometime..

If the bears don't get me..

Enjoy the week and the weekend...

I fight authority, authroity always wins

Normally I steer clear of trouble. Normally I try to avoid situations where I may or may not be thrown in the county hotel.

Over the last three weeks, I have had the PO-LiCE called on me twice.

Time number one was at Pale Girls apartment when we were sitting around her table..Things mighta got outta hand when one of the four us put our empties filled with pistachio shells on a neighbors doorstep..

Shortly after that delivery there was was a knock on the door...There were four of us sittin at the table, drinking, having a good time...

Who woulda thought that 4 ladies could cause such a ruckus with people. I guess we were loud...or the haters were made they were not invited..

I think the folks just didn't like Mike at the doorstep...

Mikes Hard Lemonade that is....

This past Thursday Pale girl was over and so was our pal special...

After a couple MIkes we decided to do a little B and E...

I would say that hubs was an accomplice since he stayed here and was our look out...

but I wont...

Anyway, we did some breaking and entering...

we were on a mission..We had a purpose for this mission.

We cant find what we are looking for, but we see items that will do..

We run off with our goods..cause thats what u do when your stealing, you run off.

With your goods.

Your also suppose to wear all black and sport pantyhose on your face...

But us being the experienced breakers and enterers that we are, we go in broad daylight with our own faces..

Thats how hard core we be.

Next day while I was at Pale Girls house. We were basking in the glow of our recent crime spree thinking how easy that was, cause we never even got caught.

Then she gets a call from Officer Nelson asking about said B and E.

Turns out, we did get caught..

I guess if you don't get busted by the cops during a breaking and entering, its almost like it didn't happen..

For the next week I am going to stay on the other side of the law. My concert is in a few days and I must be a law biding citizen if I wanna cross state lines...

Next Tuesday(19th) we head out on our camping trip...I don't think we are going up north, I think we are going to go to South Dakota...

Us girls, the open highway, 5 tots, a cooler full of Mikes and our stolen camping goods.

Just like Thelma and Louise..

Minus Brad Pitt...and cliff jumping...



Who's in?

Hold the Line

I am so glad this pittyful week is nearly over with...Not that it has been a bad week per say, just that once this week is done, I only have one more till I leave for the open highway and head to Iowa so I can party with some real men.

Im just sayin.



When I get back from my concert, I am taking my tots camping. Yes, yes, I said camping..We are going to rough it for about 4 days...









In tents.



Hell yeah...I kid you not. This fancy lassy is going camping..





We are going here.









http://www.northshorevisitor.com/activities/index.html



Thats right, it says whale watching bitches...









Top That!









I have lived on the Great Lakes my whole entire life..Been to all of them, but this one..



I had no idea there were whales in a fresh water lake...I mean seroiusly? Do they think im a dumbass?









But its on the internet, so it MUST be true..


Hell yeah.









we have not picked out our campground yet....but I will by the weekend.


Guess who is going with me? HUbs?...Nope.




Its gonna be Pale Girl, with her two tots...and me and my three tots..









Two gals, a gaggle of tots, and the great outdoors..


I am pretty confident I can take care of any bears we may encounter...I have had ample expirence dealing with creatures..



I do have a small lap dog and two cats for Gods sake.









I have a great deal of expertese in tent set up..The Boy and I went to a number of mother and son camping trips for boy scouts.



Ok, just one...



but still..







Stay tuned, because the shit that will happen on this trip is sure fire going to be pure gold blogging matarieal.


Between two chicks roughing it, the whales and the bears...


yeah, im just sayin..




~




Walmart alert...Pale Girl and I might be going soon, I need to buy a another tent, and well, this city has supplied me with no other means of buying a tent..



For Gods sake they could at least have a Dicks Sporting Goods..because everyone in this city is so well...


cultured and all..



PUKE>




~



Last fall I bought the tots each a pumpkin that I cleaned and carved...I'm a carver.


Don't 4get it either bitches..



Anyway, I tossed out three of the pumpkins after Halloween, but Boo didn't want hers tossed yet.



So I let it set on the porch. A couple days after Halloween the mother fucker was froze to the porch, I couldn't remove it.


I 4got all about it...it has been snowed on, lived thru 50 below zero tempts..









In the spring when everything melted, I saw the remains of the pumpkin.


I cleaned up what I could..which wasn't much.



Now look...this is what I have now..










































Thats some pretty amusing shit right there...The bitch is growing right up my porch.











Speaking of growing things..Take a look at these cucumbers I picked outta the garden yesterday.
































This is them posed with a soda can, so you can get the shear bigness AND, um, girth of my pickles...







































See, thats a freakin prize winnin crop right there.....



Don't be haters, you just have not got the green thumbs I do..and its ok..







This is Boo when I tell her we are going whale watching..



when she was a baby she thought whales lived in our lake..



she also called it an ocean..



This is why I am making her do one more run of pre school instead of sending her to Kindergarten..




































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And there is hubs telling her there are no whales in the great lakes.



Apparently he did not read the shit on the Internet...




bastards.