Monday, July 14, 2008

Gotta let it go....

While I was gone for this vacation the weather was shitty. it was never hot, and it rained more then half the days I was there.

I sit here at home and as I type this its a balmy 99 degrees outside. And I'm thinking, damn...all those hot days wasted. I mean when u go thru a winter that hits 50 below zero for weeks on end, you tend to bask in the days of 100 degree heat, because you know it wont be long before you need to start plugging your car in.

After my world travels over the last week, my restless ass syndrome is starting to dwindle down to just a discomfort in glutes....

Sitting and driving for hours and hours on end makes a girl extremely grumpy. And when you drive for hours and hours for nothing, it makes a girl homicidal.

In my travels I encountered many rest areas. Rest areas and I don't mix well, because I worry about sitting in other peoples cooties. And I have not had a case of the cooties since 5th grade, and I'm trying to keep it that way..

Sitting my restless ass where other restless asses sit, that I don't know, makes me nervous.

What if they have pimples on their bums and I am now sitting where the pimples rested. I think of these things...I swear I do.

I have learned over the years, to hover while I piss. Hovering takes some skill, some mad skills. But I have pretty much perfected it.

Then when you hit the shitters that smell like someone had a dead calf in their rectum...and then u cant go..I will get back in my van and travel 52 miles to the next rest stop.

Then when you walk in to a rest area, even at a restaurant or whatever, I can never use the first one I look at.

It can be the cleanest one in the place, but I will look in it, and pass the pot right by.

I normally go down to about the 4th or 5th stall. No reason, and there is no method to the madness...its just how I roll.

I think its something most of us chicks do, we always bypass the first pot we look at..

I'm not sure why...and I'm not sure if any of you know the answer. But its what we do.

Then after we are done hovering we always flush with our foot. I mean how can u touch that handle?

No bloody f-ing way.

So we teeter on one foot to flush the crapper, while we are trying to do our pants up.

We stumble out of the stall and head to the sink to wash up. Chances are the soap is out oh and the paper I tend to travel with my own supplies.

You can never be too prepared.

Try and take your tots to the rest area.

That never pans out well.

So from now on when we travel, all 5 of us are going to be wearing diapers.

If its good enough for the astronauts, its good enough for us.


Tom said...

Here's what ya do a nest of Toilet paper on the seat and before you let fly, put a sheet or two of toilet paper laying flat in the water, and that will prevent shriek inducing cold water splash up on your sensitive buttocks. btw..Vermont rest areas are the best! The one advantage to being a guy is the whole world is my toilet, so long as it's whizz only..

gina said...

Let me know where you get them- I'm all for no stopping @ nasty bathrooms!!!!!!

Flip Flop Momma said...

have u done this b4 tom?

Depends, the diaper of NASA..


Scarlet said...

I don't want to see Depends EVER in my lifetime!

On a positive note, you haven't lost your killer tan yet.

Sandy said...

Since we all tend to skip the first toilet, it's probably the CLEANEST! Sandy

Flip Flop Momma said...

when i first read comment i thought u said u never wanna see def leppard ever..and i was bout to rumble..haha...i must have them on the brain.

yes...i always say the same thing..

maybe we should start using it;)

just_tammy said...

Amazing - we even have the same bathroom phobias! Gonna hold off on the Depends for now...

Tom said...

Yep, i do the nest thing if it's more than a whizz. Not often though, as before a long road trip I fill up on cheese so I won't have to do #2 for days.

So Not The Bradys said...

The first stall is the cleanest and the one you should use. That's because everyone skips it for some reason. Not me, though. I read once it was the best choice, so I always use the first one. Well, only when I can't hold it till I get home. Public restrooms scare the beejeebers out of me. I don't want someone else's crotch crickets or whatever else they've got going on down south. Ewww.

Monogram Queen said...

Oh i'm a champion hoverer and taking kids to the toilet is sheer Hell. My first scream "Don't touch ANYTHING. Don't even look at anything. Stand there, eyes closed until I get you situated".
Glad to see i'm not the only freak LOL

Fantastagirl said...

I hate public restrooms, hate, hate, hate them! I like the ones that provide the seat covers - and no one ever uses the first stall - they all tend to use the last 3 or 4 - I have no idea why.

- Jules - said...

I hate rest areas as well. That is where serial killers leave their road kill.. Karrie and I hit on between KC and LINCOLN during a DL trek that I swear to god Michael, Jason and Freddy was lurking in the tress, debating on killing us.

To me, rest areas just prove how nasty some people really are!

Flip Flop Momma said...

im sure we arent the only ones either..


Not the Bradys,
I have a phobia of the fist one...r u sayin I need to get over that fear?

I know..I say, dont touch a thing and dont open the door till we are ALL done...the girls and i share one potty..

its just creepy and wrong, those bathrooms..

I know..I love the automatic seat covered ones...but those are few and far bewteen.

I know, I dont hit them at night, I had a scarey thing happen once and wont do it again..

I always try and hold it till we get to our final destiantion;)

But when we are on a DL trek, we do whatever we need to..dont we?

Haphazardkat said...

girl...they have pee in a bottle kits for chicks now.

Just clamp it on the female parts and let rip.

you see? I'm a wealth of information. You haven't even seen the best of my mojo info.

*z snaps*

The Woman said...

I hate driving and driving for no reason, we did that last week OMG never ever again

Flip Flop Momma said...

huh...pee bottle kits?

U need 2 fill me in on clueless.

I hate driving and driving when I DO have a reason:)

So Not The Bradys said...

Yes, that's what I'm saying. Start using the first stall because it's cleaner. I wonder if it's some sort of privacy issue that makes us go down the row and pick the third or fourth stall. I mean no one likes some stranger trying to barge in on them when they are doing their business.

Speaking of dead animals in one's rectum - I thought of you earlier today because it was an accurate description of what I experienced.

I went to book club, and this very, very old woman plopped down by me. She rather reminds me of an old mole dressed up like an old lady with a wig.

She let one rip and lord help me, I thought I might dry heave from the aroma that she emitted. There were cartoon wavy lines around her like Pig Pen from Charlie Brown.

Oh, and did I forget to mention that it's a brown bag lunch at book club and I thought I might lose mine?

Flip Flop Momma said...

Not the Bradys,
holy shit....u just gave me a bad bad vision...a smelly vision.. condolences to u and yours.

Shannon said...

I have actually heard that the first stall IS the cleanest. I hate taking the boys to public restrooms, and carry hand sanitizer everywhere with me.

Tom said...

Bossy, actually I don't fill up on cheese, but maybe the answer is this...if you're on an interstate most exits have the chain brand hotels grouped around them...basically you have a really clean restroom in each lobby. Just walk in like you are a guest (nobody will even look at you anyway) and enjoy the public hotel restrooms right off the lobby... and you can pick most exits and not have to hold it in. I can't believe I commented 3 times in this posting...geez

Greeneyes said...

You made me laugh so hard now I gotta pee! good thing its my own potty , I do not have a hazmat suit,LOL I never touch the ,flusher ,faucets , doors or stall locks without paper towel , those places are biohazards(shivers****)people can be NASTY!

thanks for the laugh ☺☻☻☺☺☺☻☻☺☺☻☻☺☺☺☻☻☺☺☻☻☺☺☺☻☻☺☺☻☻☺☺☺☻☻

Dame Wonder said...

so i'm sitting here, eating bread, reading your post. i get to the end and i almost choke cuz the laugh just snuck up on me. very dangerous shit here, ffm. i could have died. warn someone next time you're gonna talk diapers for the whole family.

Bee Repartee said...

You should go buy one of those Whizzys. I SWEAR they are awesome and TMI, so you would love them.

Janell said...

Oh U R SO right about those rest areas being anything but restful.

I always skip the first toilet because I figure everyone else takes the first one they come to. Maybe not, tho. Hmmmm?

Rachel said...

Very funny post! I usually skip the first one too. Actually, if there is no one in there I go for the handicapped one. Roomier. Some of those rest areas (which are to be avoided unless it's an absolute emergency) ones are so tiny and you have to touch the door and walls...and's just icky. There is barely room to hover! I hate using public bathrooms and try to avoid it as much as possible.