Summer of 69

Do you know who Uriaha Heap is?

why yes, yes I do!

Man, I use to get stoned while I listened to them, those were some good times.



This is a tid bit of a conversation I had over the weekend.

Here is another tid bit.

I have been fasting since Febuary.

oh really? Well you ate every meal that was served while I was here.

I wasn't fasting those days.

I freaking love working with the mentally ill...They so rock...


**

I had some Chinese for dinner Sunday and right now my bowels and instestines feel like they may be a potential ticking time bomb of diarrhea. Why is it that stuff that is so good and tasty, make you feel like your gonna crap your pants? And why is it always Chinese food? Or butter cream frosting? All the things that make me smile, make me want to shit my pants. Why?

I am going to do some sceintfic research on this topic. Not today. But someday. I need to know these things. I am a bit of a "need to know girl." I want to know what it is that causes my intestines to become toxic fume makers. I need to get a hold of my friends at the TV show Mythbusters. They need to look into this..

Do food companies really put items in their food just to give me irritable bowel syndrome? Or is it the toilet paper makers wanting me to purchase more Charmin?

In any case, its the makers of Amodium AD that are winning this war.

Ok, enough poop talk..

Bee Real

Guess what

Friday night we took the fam to the lake where the fireworks were going to be set a blaze. We get there, get some snacks for the bees, and some of them damn glow sticks. After a while I want nachos. Mr Shaky wants a pop. I head out to find such crap.

I come back and I see this little boy...This is him..

" guess what, I don't have a dad so I have no one to play with.

"guess what, my mom gives me nothing to eat and I am starving?

then shaky tells the kid he can have some of the nachos

the kid makes himself right at home. He then tells me no double dipping.

I say these are mine so I can double dip, you can not..mmkay?

"guess what, I am 5"

"guess what, I don't have a dad, hey can I have more chips? I am hungry and I don't know where my mom is but she has no food anyway"

then he leaves

half hour later

"guess what, I can not go to kindergarten because I don't want to fight.
"guess what,I like my hair like this, its kinda sticking all over, but I like it lie that."

The kid had bed head that has been brewing for a good 4 days I would say...

"guess what, my mom is drinking over there...I am hungry."

so I say to him, go tell your mommy your hungry honey.

"oh, she wont care."

gosh why do these things happen to ole Bossy?..I thought before nights end we was adopting a boy. And I don't need any more kids right now.

if I hear guess what outta that boy again, I am serving the mom with papers.

Bee Real

ok sorry i had to just get it out of my system....just go read my post about the job..just venting here..some peoples kids I tell you what!

Working for the weekend

Well I am one step closer to having my own handcuffs and Billy clubs..Oh and doing strip searches and pat downs...Can it get any better?

My interview went very, very well. I interviewed in a big room with The Sheriff, the sergeant, and a big tall man who was the head of some dept but I cant remember now..He was tall..Very tall.

I am not sure if I will get the job, but I did have them rolling in their chairs with laughter a few times. That is part of my ever loving charm and siteful wit I have. At one point I think the sheriff actually said " gosh your a hoot"

They gave me some senarois at what might occur and asked me how I would handle such matters. I will give you the examples and my answers..

"lets say your dispensing meds to one of the inmates and you realize you gave the meds to the wrong inmate, what would you do?"

I told them I would document I had done wrong and watch the inmate I gave the wrong meds too and call 911 if it seemed he was having a reaction or something to the pills I had given him.

They were pleased with my answers..

my next one was

"'lets say you have an inmate who speaks no English and is very angry, you don't know what he wants and he is starting to get violent, what do you do?

To which I said..

" um, don't you have a translator I can call?...

they all busted out laughing...I knew at this time they would rather enjoy the rest of my interview cause this is how I am, I can not control my funniness or the lack there of. It is a born God given gift. They see that now.

My next question was

"lets say your on duty and one of the officers has just arrested your husband or other family memeber, what would you do?"

to which I say

" well other than being damn mad, I would just act as though it were any other criminal coming in."

" but I would be damn mad..."

again this brought them to belly laughs. In all reality it wasn't all that funny. It just kind of popped out.

But I think nearly everything they asked me I pretty much nailed for them. And they even said so. The tall man said for me not knowing much about corrections I sure know a lot about what they do..Then he asked if I had ever been arrested.

But I was able to supply them with a back ground check that I had just had done at my new job here..So I threw it on the table and proudly said with a smile on my face and my nose ring glittering in the sunlight thru the window.."No sir, I have never been arrested..Not ever!"

They also asked me how I would react to being verbally abused. I told them I have worked at nursing homes, and with mentally ill people...I have been called a son of a bitch and worse more times than I can possibly count. They agreed that it seemed I would be able to handle myself just fine with the " bad boys in county lock up"

The shifts are from 5 am till 5 pm or 5pm till 5 am..That will be hard. But for nearly 20 bucks an hour I can take it with a smile.

If I do not get it, it will not surprise me, as I have not really ever worked in this field before much. But I have a feeling for their next employee picnic they may call ole Bossy for their entertainment purposes.

oh and I saw the good looking cop who pulled me over last month....and I quicky put my same lipgloss back on. when he walked by he said " well hello there". I said " hello right back at ya"

I mean I know he had no idea he pulled me over, he was just being a nic,e good looking cop. That is his nature I am sure of it. Just a nice, good looking cop.
**

I smelled something wretched in my living room a while ago. Smelled like sour milk. And in this heat milk does go bad fast. Then I realized it was coming from my Blondie Bee. It was her damn socks. She said she has been wearing the same socks since last Sunday.

What kind of mother am I? This is what happens when we work for a living. The kids get no baths and no clean socks...

Well this is what happens when I work anyway....

I am a self proclaimed lazy ass, and its rubbing off on the bees. I could not be prouder!

Bee Real

No more drama

While at work Thursday I had plenty of time to ponder certain things. That's what they do, pay me to ponder. Not a bad gig I suppose.

I had plopped my fat butt on the nice comfy sofa there and let my mind wander, which in that place it is a good thing to do just so you know your mind is functioning.

But anyway, back to my story, I was thinking about certain things. For example: when is the first human ever born , here on Earth, and how do I find out the date of birth?

when was the universe born? How do we know? And how big is it really?

how do astronauts poo and piddle? I mean without it flying over the spaceship and randomly into their RTEM..(ready to eat meals)

how do worms grow a new half if I cut one half off?

how do bees know how to make a honeycomb?

how do fax machines work?

see what I mean? Total and udder nonsense.

If you have the answer to any of these let me know..And don't tell me Adam was the first man, because there were caveman and shit way before that people..There were humans on Earth at least a few hundred thousand years ago...I mean I don't have the fossils or bodies, but it is scientifically proven I do believe. But of course, correct me if I am wrong, and I will still tell you your wrong. So there.

I have my job interview for the Corrections Officer Friday morning. I am almost sure I will not get it, but it is nice just to get an interview and to be considered. And I would love to make this kind of money, but I just don't have this kind of luck, so I am not holding my breath. Or I would die, you cant live without breathing, I am sure of that one.

But I would love to have my own billyclubs, hand cuffs, taser, and the proper technique for frisking people, did I say hand cuffs already?...I cant wait to do my first pat down..Finally my sailor mouth and bossy ways may pay off. This could be my dream job. Oh and if I get a badge, I may just die and go to heaven...

I mean my nice warm spot in hell, that has the dry kinda heat cause I don't much care for having sticky skin, but I will deal with the humid air if I must..I am game for pretty much anything at this point.

Have a good weekend. I am getting paid to ponder all weekend. I may come up with some real doozies by Monday, you better get your thinking caps on.

Bee Real

Take it on the run

Where the Sam bloody hell is everyone. No one is posting, no one is commenting..Golly gee...Guys, the holiday is over, come back to blog land for petes sake..mmkay?

So I work with the mentally ill. The house I work in has 4 men. Really nice, but mentally ill men. Mr Blue Eyes asks me if I can run him up to the store so he can "get some supplies"...I say, " you need supplies huh? Ok, lets go dude."

I am figuring he must need some duct tape, garbage bags and large supplies of water.
, maybe 20 rolls of toilet paper for good measure. Not sure what "getting supplies" means to the mentally ill. And the state pays me well enough, so I oblidge and take him to the store. I ask him what store he needs to go to, hoping to God it isn't Target..

Well he wanted to go to the local gas station. Fair enough. He runs in, comes out with 4 two litters of Diet Coke and 2 cartons of smokes. The guy knows what he needs to live.

The men are really very sweet. 2 of the 4 of them are college grads one with a master's degree. It is such a shame what can happen to our minds. It is scary to think one day your fine, making over $100,000 a year , next day your sucking your thumb and see ponies fly by. It just isn't fair. I mean I get it if your born that way, but to be "normal" then one day your a crazy loon..That is like a nightmare. Be grateful of having a mind that functions somewhat normally. It could be gone in a blink of an eye, and you could be sucking your thumb, playing with dolls and thinking that Paul Mcartney is stalking you and actually go to the police station and file a restraining order against him..

Of course if you think like Tom Cruise then your crazier than Mr Blue eyes, and you need to go out and get your supplies.

So far Butch has went 2 straight days without showering my toilet seat, floor and surrounding areas with his urine. Its like I am potty training my dog, I was going to start leaving newspapers on the floor around the pot and dog biscuits on the sink for his convince when he piddled on the paper like a good boy...

But thankfully I have not had to go to such drastic measures. Funny thing is, I have been having to lock my dog up in the basement bathroom because she has not been waking us up at night to go out..And the little sucker has been whizzing on my carpet. I just can not get away from things peeing on my floor. But my dog is scared of the dark. I need to get "The Dog whisperer" over here to get that all figured out.

I am going to work on my book over the weekend. I need to hurry up and get them done so I can finally get a damn housekeeper. I am so tired of cleaning up urine. I would have no trouble paying someone else to do it. Lord knows I am not getting paid for it.

Bee Real

I like big butts

Its all clear to me now. Rather than have children I should of started breeding goldfish. You feed them once a day, clean the bowl once a week. No sass, no peeing on the floor, and no grazing like a cow all day. The past 2 weeks have made me rethink this whole mother business.

I need to live on a Dude Ranch. I need to wear cowboy hats, and wear leather pants, whip horses and chase cattle. ALONE...I want my skin to become so dried from the sun that it looks like a leather purse. I want snake skin boots, and a skull on my belt buckle. I want to be a bad ass.. I want to be the kind of bad ass like Curly in City Slickers. Minus the dying part and being buried in the open desert.

You know you have a stupid baby when she says she wants pie and you tell her that her meat loaf is pie, then she eats it and says " momma good pie."

You know your kids have a stupid mother when your on your walk and you spot a cute little chipmunk, you make eye contact and he scurries into his nucker hole, and you stick your finger in there...Hope the little bastard was vaccinated.

I am calling today to set up my interview for Friday for the Corrections Officer job. I still can not believed I was called. I mean I put that application in 2 months ago..I figure they must of hired a few and they have quit, or the prisoners have killed them..I really need to start reading the paper.

I work today from 8-4..So I will try and catch up on everyone soon...Happy Trails and Happy Hump Day.

Bee Real

Open up and say ahh..

My son has once again thrown caution into the wind and pissed on my floor. I am sure he could never be a police officer as his aim is not good. He is in the process of writing this 500 times..

" I will pee in the toilet, not on the floor"

If this does not work I am going to force him to wear adult diapers..
**edit...since I made him sit down and write this is what has transpired..

sobbing, uncontrolabe sobbing..I say to him "your fine"

He says " do you hear me? do I sound fine?"

Then he screams " I cant breathe"..this kid can work himself up

He goes into the bathroom to puke. He then carries on, says I am wrecking his futrue and that I am killing him because he cant breath. He then asks me if that is part of my plan, killing him. That I would not ask any kid to write something 500 times unless I was trying to be homocidal.

He then says he gets it. He learned his lesson. He says " I will try not to pee on the floor anymore"...I said "try"...he then screams bloody murder right near his window that I am killing him and that he will never pee again..

I need a vaction, and this kid needs therapy...this is what I hear at this moment.."somebody help me, I cant breath."

Well I had my first day on the new job. It was good. I am going to enjoy working there. BUT while I was at work I got a call for another job interview. This one is for a Corrections Officer at the sheriffs dept. And it pays over 5 bucks more then my new job that pays 3 bucks more an hour then Target..So leaving Target in the dust could potentially be a 8 dollar an hour savings, or bonus...Whatever...

So its all good...I hope anyway.


As I am watching " What not to wear" I am thinking why someone doesn't turn me in. I could use a $5,000 shopping spree. They could dress me in whatever the hell they want. I could out do some of the folks on there, I have a pretty bad sense of what looks good. And I am cheap. Those two combos don't go well together.

I say size 10 is the new size 2. Anyone with me on that?


Mr Shaky is sitting here telling me how I need a new wardrobe while he sits here with his underwear hanging out the bottom of his shorts. And to top it off, it isn't even underwear, its an pair of my nasty old maternity shorts from 10 years ago. He has no shame. Yet I am the one who needs a new wardrobe.

Well I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday. I am going to eat smores tonight, and lots of them...And don't even tell me you don't know what smores are, or I will hunt you down and beat you with a marshmallow.

Bee Real

and JD, this is for you...This is Def Leppard..They are a heavy metal band ( and I use that term loosely) Maybe you know the song " pour some sugar on me"..You cant tell me you don't have this down under. They keep you guys under rocks over there. They have been around for over 25 years...You poor girl if you don't know them. I feel for you.


Ok, it wont let me post the pic..I will just put one of their songs on here..geesh, I hate blogger sometimes.

Hysteria

So, Saturday night we had our nice cheap family fireworks extravaganza. I was not too far off on Mr Shaky blowing his arm off, he nearly went blind and caught his hair on fire though. With no drugs or alcohol. Can anyone top that..Didn't think so.. And being the kind wife I am, the first words I say are " are you injured enough to get disabilty?"

My mom needed to go shopping yesterday. She wanted to go to Target, but I told her that not enough time has passed in order for me to go into that Target. There is a certain grace period that has to pass...Because I did not show up for my last 2 days of work, so they might be pissed off. Not enough water has went under that bridge yet..

I need to dye my hair, lose or gain 50 pounds, and get very big sunglasses. I need to go incognito. I would rather drive 50 miles out of my way to go into a Target then to step foot in that one again this year..Is that odd?

In two weeks I am going to a concert. A concert of epic proportions. One that all my fellow man will be insanly jealous over that they may or may not try to kidnap one of my bees and hold them for ransom to get the tickets. And I would tell them they can keep the kids.

I am going to see the gods of all hair bands. And yes, I use to love hair bands. I am seeing Def Leppard and Journery at the Target Center on the 18th. Send all ransom notes to

234 west Idontgiveacrap street
Minneapolis, MN


Ok, I have a parenting issue, maybe you losers can throw me some good advice.

It seems my 9 year old son throws caution into the wind when urinating. I will find on my toilet seat splashes of yellow liquid. The boy does not even lift up the seat, and when he does, he still manages to get pee all over my floor.

Now I have yelled at him, grounded him, and I make him clean it up. This past weekend I was so damn mad I told him the next day I would follow him into the potty everytime he went to show him how it is suppose to be done.

So I followed him like a puppy dog into the latrine everytime I saw him going in. I sat there, watched and critiqued his every move. While I, his mother, was there watching him....He still pisses out of the confines of the toilet. It is almost like he daydreams as he has that loaded stream of liquid flowing forth his person. I need a big vat or something for him to pee in. I am thinking of adding on an outhouse. I think the next time I find piddles on the seat I am going to make him write 500 times in nice, neat rows..

I will not pee on my moms floor anymore because that is gross and it is very unsanitary for her to have to get on her hands and knees to clean my urine off the floor. And I love my mom and hate to see her work so hard to clean my piddles off the floor.

Is that too much?

Bee Real

Right here waiting

I figured I would do a real post, I poisoned you enough with my photo vomit and I apologize.

Well while I was away on my "trip" I think I came back carrying about 10 extra pounds. Since I have been home I am not helping the cause much. Unless eating an entire block of pistachio fudge and a half a block of peanut butter fudge are part of a healthy breakfast, I am fine. I feel all fropy . That feeling mostly resembles what I think being a bowl of jello would feel like. Fropy. I just made that up..I am going to copyright it.

A few of my family folk back in the home land told me my sister made remarks about how bossy my Boo Bee is. Yes, she is bossy. This is her daily vocabulary:

faster momma
that's mine
im sick of it
I said no
peeese momma
no momma, I don't wanna do it
stop it now

I would not say she is bossy, just a bit demanding, the girl knows what she wants..Its called being a woman of the 80's people..

Between my bloated fropy body, my sober mind and pre pms hormonal imbalance, during my trip I wanted to knock my sisters block off.

She is the most lazy and irresponsible person I know. When I say lazy, I mean think of the fattest sloth, combine it with your lazy cousin on welfare..(we all have one) then add a dash of Roseanne....That's her..

She weighs a good 250, she has always been chubby or portly if you will. But when her belly roll hangs to her knees and she pats it while lifting up her shirt saying " boy, this baby is really giving me trouble" I want to body slam her. She has no trouble picking her ass, her nose..(and eating it) and has a habit of sitting in a chair with her hands down her pants while yelling four letter curse words at the kids. The whole time while she stayed at my grandparents house she had my grandma do her dirty laundry and cook and do all the dishes...That burns my britches. She has no respect or moral dignity whatsoever. It is very dis heartening. We were not raised that way and she is a total embarrassment. She is my Rodger Clinton or Billy Carter..Or hell she is my George W. Bush..We are not a political family, but I am just making a point..mmkay?

It is hot here. It is the kind of heat that may or maynot melt your face off. Ok, its only in the 90's, but that is with 90% humidity. I love this weather, but everyone is my house is a big fat wuss because they all are complaining about it. When I make my voyage to hell, I hope its a dry heat though, I really hate having sticky skin.

Well I hope everyone has a safe Holiday weekend. Mr Shaky is off for a four day weekend..I hope I don't have to scrape his drunken bum off the deck or out of the bonfire this weekend. That boy cant hold his booze...And I hope he doesn't try and light fireworks while intoxicated, that will just give the neighbors something to talk about...I mean the sirens coming to out the fire out will wake everyone up..

ok, he really does not drink but the story sounded like it had the potential to be a fun one...Now that would be a holiday to remember.

Bee Real

Endless stream of picture vomit

ok, lets see what we have here..
















Lake Michigan in the UP..At a rest stop..Yes I go to nice rest stops..I like them..I don't use them, but I like them.
















Same rest stop...I told the kids there were bears in that forest, that is how I got them back to the car.

















This is Lake Huron..Caseville beach, very nice...This is where I saw the crack..
















Blondie Bee and her castle

















Boo Bee....Getting sand outta her eye..

and the moment we have all been waiting for..


















That is the crack...
















The heavy woman there putting lotion on that woman's back, that is Mr cracks wife..


Ok blogger is having issues and it wont let me post anymore pics, I think its worried I am going to post more crack. I am going to use Hello to post the rest, so there will be a crap load of pics under this post after I get them up...Just humor me and look at them.

I hope you all have a great Holiday weekend. I will be drinking and lighting fireworks..Not at the same time though, I might injury my good typing hand..

Bee Real

ok I know it says Friday and its still only Thursday night..but I plan on doing stuff the rest of the night and tommorw so I wont have time to post it..just consider it an early holiday gift from me to you....

now on to more picutre vomit..

oh and today is my very disfunctional sisters birthday..have u ever wanted to beat the living hell outaa anyone?..well thats her..

look at this spread..i had to sleep with this
my kiddies

sleeping at the motel...arent they little angles?
my kiddies

the bridge I would be driving over to get home in about a half hour..
my kiddies

waiting for the boat back to the main land
my kiddies

just a picutre i guess
my kiddies

ok see the hats? My mom had a coupon for this fudge shop, the fudge was 17 bucks a pound but it said you got a free hat. So we get it for the hat figuring it would be a ball cap or something..The lady hands my mom paper hats and I nearly wet myself:)
my kiddies

Butch frolicing in the waves
my kiddies

there is the bridge in the background..its a long one, trust me on this
my kiddies

a beach on the island..i saw a photo op on the rock..
my kiddies

a motel there...ya, I had nothing..
my kiddies