Thursday, May 29, 2008

We are the world

There has been all this talk in the last couple years about going green. don't get me wrong, I love the color green, in fact my living room and kitchen are both painted nice shades of this color...Grass is green, and hell, who doesn't like grass?..

Some folks are taking the whole green thing too far. Sure I hate paying 6bucks a gallon for gas...this is why I ride my bike now....It cost me nothing to gas that bitch up.

I will use the hubs as an example, because well, he is a prime example of how assy going green can make u seem.

We all know I have been with no dryer since December, so this means I wash the linens and things and hang them to dry in the laundry room, which can take anywhere from two days to two months...

We have been talking about breaking down to buy a dryer...but now he is all gone ape shit on me.

Since its nice out now, he has assembled what he refers to his "patriot line..or freedom line"....Now I have no issue with clothes lines outdoors for the most part...just don't hang your two gallon underwear out there...because I don't want to see it...

He has the freedom line on one of our porches. Now for some reason this house has a door leading to the outside in nearly every room...the door off my living room has a small deck with steps that lead down to my backyard..

Its on this little deck he is hanging shit out on.

I think it looks pretty stupid.

he thinks he is like the most awesome person for doing this..

He has also planted one herb garden and two vegetable gardens and plans to live off the land this fall and winter...

We are going to moving sometime in the near future and he wants to now go to a land where he can garden all year round, and even have his own fruit trees and ponds for fish...

Im about ready to tie him down and make him watch me use a leaf blower.

Another thing...

I am a freak about my dishes being done...they must be washed in a dishwasher because I don't feel they are clean enough unless the water is so hot the steam from it gives u a good chemical peel.

Our dishwasher has decided to take a shit...well more like the works, but it doesn't do an effective job, so I must wash them a bit before I put them in.

This causes issues because he thinks washing them by hand is good.

My thought is thats gross.

I don't ever want to eat off a dish that has been sitting and soaking in water that other dirty dishes have been sitting in..

have you seen the water in your sink after the dishes are done?

does it look good to you? doesn't...

Another thing we are fighting about is my mop. My nice mop took a shit too...a real shit.

I had severe issues with the mop to begin with, as I find it kinda caveman like to use the same mop to mop your kitchen as u do to mop the piddle off your bathroom floor when your 11 year old son lets his wizzer just wiz freely.

So I wanted to get another swiffer. Those things are just insanely awesome.

He was all pissy about the me it makes good clean business sense.

I don't like dirty floors...and washing my floors with a mop head that looks like it was used to clean a dirt road, just wasn't giving me that warm clean fuzzy feeling I tend to like.

I am thinking about building him and Eco - Friendly dwelling to live in...complete with outdoor plumbing and gravel floors.

before I know it he will be wearing hemp clothes and going to nude beaches.

I cant take it anymore...

He now buys shirts that are made from plastic bottles.

yes yes they do me

I'm all for saving the planet and whatnot...

But damn it all to heck...

Don't force feed your crazy on me...

Monday, May 26, 2008

Only the good die young

After some thought, and advice from all my advisers and such..I decided not to go private...

This is just a blog, I share what I want, and I am just going to chose not to share things. If there are things I only want to share with a select few, then I should not post the shit on the Internet...

Thats what a text or phone call is for I suppose.

So....that is my decision...

Plus going private takes work, I know this because I already have a private one, and well....its work...

And you know me, anything that requires a stitch of work, is just too hard for me.

Im now going to tell you a story.

This happen Saturday night at the local watering hole me and pale girl go to..

There was a band playing and we wanted to go take a listen..

The name of the band is funny all in itself...I wanna tell u...but I cant..u might laugh so hard u piss yourself, then your going to sue me for the dry cleaning bill..

And I just don't want that pressure...

So anyway, we get there and the place is packed, so pale girl and I have to sit at the bar. We never sit there, because well...the drunks sit there...

As we are sitting on our bar stools sipping our soda..yes, we were drinking soda..I swear, and no, nothing was in our soda but ice..

And this gross guy that we know is sitting down chatting it up with three old ladies. I mean Im talking old...Like Golden Girls old..

He is talking all fancy talk to them, lifting his shirt and putting their heads under it...real class act..

He was bringing then rolls and biscuits from God knows where.

I guess he was figuring he needed to keep their sugar levels up...

Then one of the Golden Girls pulled some sandwiches out of her purse and gave em to her pals..

But thats not the odd thing..

Then this guy who is a raging drunk comes up to the bar and sits next to us. he orders his drink...Now he had been there a while, I can tell cause he could barely walk.

They bring his drink....and I nearly pissed myself.

Because they brought him his drink...


Look...I had to take a pic....I took it with my phone.

Now I say to him...

why the sam hell is your drink in a sippy cup?

he then says that they are worried he might spill it.

He then complains he cant drink out of it...but plainly in this sippy cup is this guys name....So he obviously uses this a lot.

He takes the lid off and I tell him thats a very bad idea, because well, he is a tad unsteady.

He assures me its not gonna spill...

Sure enough after about 10 minutes he spills his drink all over the bar.

You heard the bar tenders say...

damn it, Nelson spilled his drink he is cut off now

Now wouldn't you think that at the point you thought he NEEDED a sippy cup, you would cut him off?

I told him to keep the fuckin lid on...

the deep fried tweeters...

thats the band name..

deep fried tweeters.

told ya, its a classic.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Long Way home

Well, I have made a decision...I am setting this to private...

Email me if u want to continue reading and I will add you to the list..

I will leave this open for one week so that everyone has a chance to know whats going on.

There are things I would like to talk about, but I cant with people reading it who have big mouths or were never invited but somehow, thru the magic of being a douche bag, got my address and is now coming here...

Frankly it bothers me....Frankly I don't enjoy blogging right now...

Frankly douche bags are only good for cleaning out your vagina, so u big vagina, go clean yourself somewhere else...

I'm done...

To all my readers that have been with me over the last 3 plus years, I love you all...and please keep reading...

I realize I have been bad at visiting and commenting, but there is shit going on that is just keeping from blogging...

A move?

A job offer?

Maybe I was offered another writing job and have been asked to move...?

Maybe I killed a ranch full of men who marry 12 year olds and I am going under cover.

Maybe I am going to have a sex change...?

Maybe Barbra Walters has asked me to co-host the view?

Maybe I have been offered a reoccurring role on The OC?

Maybe I have been asked to be Def Leppards tour manager?

Maybe I have been asked to be Prince's personal sex slave?

Maybe im gonna be on Rock of Love 3?

All these are possibilities..

But you will never know cause of douche bags...

Send me an email either at my blog email or my personal one if u have it.

Again, I wont be setting it to private for at least a week, I want to give everyone a chance to know whats going on..

And to any of my long time readers, and short term, my family...any of you who I know read it, and have given you the address....please don't be thinkin its anything to do with u guys..

its not...

its people who somehow, someway stalked it till they found it...either from Myspace or where ever..

I don't know...but this bitch is DONE...

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

I want it all

Have you ever noticed that when you go to get your haircut, the second you walk in the salon, suddenly your hair looks freakin flawless and you wonder what the hell your doing there because frankly, you look awesome and your hair is the shizzle.

that was totally a run on sentence and i recognize that fact..thank you.

Then as your sitting in the chair after they have washed your hair, you get a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and you look like some freakish monster. Suddenly you went from one hot momma to some ugly fuddy duddy who desperately needs a haircut.

Why when your at home and you get out of the shower and start doing your hair, you don't look bad with wet hair, in fact, you look damn good...

Not a care in the world, you look good, and you know it...

Then BAM your in the chair with the cape on, and suddenly your like the monster that lives under the stairs..

How do these things occur?

Another thing, I am always uneasy when I have to speak to someone with crossed eyes or someone who has a bum eye or a glass eye..or anything of that sort, because I just don't know where to look.

I took Boo to Burger King today, because she is cute...I got a salad and a dt coke and she got some chicken and applesauce.

This was actually the second time I have been to Burger King in this town...I hate Burger King...there I said it..

The woman who waited on us was either cross eyed, or had one eye that a eagle pecked out...I'm not sure which..

I found myself just wanting to write my order on a napkin so I didn't have to make eye contact, because I didn't know what eye was the good one..

And if I had a moment, and if it was politically correct, I coulda figured it out with a good long stare..

But since that is not polite, I just didn't look at her.

I felt bad, but I didn't wanna talk to her whilst lookin in her bum eye...

So those are my delima's for today..

C u suckers next week...

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Give me one reason

There are a few things that trouble me, and I feel the need to share.

When I see grown women wearing pig tails, it makes me want to run over them with my bike. And if the pig tails are braided...thats a hit with a double decker bus.

When I see people wearing shorts and a sweatshirt, it makes me your top more chilly then your bottom, or are u just mentally retarded.

never mind the fact I am sporting that very attire right now, it does not look bad on me, just everyone else...

When I see 3 year olds with more silver in their mouth then I have in my purse, it makes me wonder, do their parents support morning breath and bad teeth?...because holy crap, it makes me shudder to think what their teeth must look like..

When I am out doing karaoke and someones name is called and they act like they had no makes me pissed. They are like...oh, what song is it?.

hey dumb ass, u filled it out, I saw you do it....stop acting like u had no idea u had a tune up there..

And another thing, anyone who takes their beer or drink up on stage to sing, really bothers me....

It looks assnine....

That sums up shit thats buggin me...

I had a can of spagettio's with meatballs the other day. I am wondering just what the hell those meatballs are made of, cause its meat I have never seen nor eaten till then. I took one bite and had to throw it out.....just the mear site of that mystery meat gave me the craps..

Me and Pale Girl went to see a live band at our local watering hole Saturday night, as there was not much happenin in the town..

The guitar player/lead singer kept staring at me...It was kinda creepin me.

When they took break number one they sat behind us, and at one time he tapped me on the shoulder and asked if the music was too loud.

I was like there is no sense in playin live if u aint loud brotha..

Then during the last break they sat at the table right beside us...

We were talkin music and such, and then the fucker asked me out.

I grabbed my cell phone and said..

let me call my hubs and see if he minds...

He still kept eye balling me, so we ended up leaving...

Oh and my 4 year old keeps referring to a boy in her class as her..

pumpkin muffin.

makes me just sick..

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Never Tear us Apart

So, this here will be your last post of the week....

I like to keep u guys in the, now u know.

So, I showed you my grand babies eggs last post. I am sorry to report that my eggs are missing. Something took my eggs. My eggs are no more. My nest is empty.

I definitely have an empty nest...

When I catch the predator who took my babies, I'm gonna choke em.


I have a couple things in common with my dad which would be

my grandma's nose

classic rock

emotionally distant

we hate talking on the phone.

we also share the same sort of humor that no one finds funny or amusing but us..

I can pretty much safely say I have not heard my dads voice since I was there in Dec.

Oh wait, I just remember I did talk to him when I was in Grand Rapids for my um..def leppard concert...fuck a duck

See, I do not call him because, well....I hate talking. I hate talking to people when I see them, I hate talking to people on the phone, I just hate talking.

My dad is the same, except I think he likes talking to people outside a phone line.

On my birthday, holidays he sends an email. If that damn Al Gore had not invited the internet...choke choke.....I would virtually not be sure if he was still alive.

I fear I am going to turn this way when my kids grow up. I mean they get on my every last nerve right now, and I look forward to the day when I don't have to tell Boo to leave the cat alone, or tell The Boy he does not have a mustcahe, or tell Blondie her bra is on backwards...

I look forward to the day I don't have to talk to them at all..unless I want to.

But I wonder, will I want to?

The minute those tots walk or run out the door, will I want to talk to them on a daily basis still? Or will I just like to have my peace and quite?

I think the quite would get too quite after a while. Wouldn't it?

Then when my kids have kids am I gonna be an overactive grandmother and spoil them like my mother does, or not send them shit but worthless savings bonds like the father in law does?

Will I just call once a week to talk to them like the mother in law, or just send them cards and gifts for birthdays like my dad does..with no call...cause we don't call?

I think about these things.

I mean, does everyone? Or am I the only loser?

Just wondering...cause I think about these things.......

Or my kids could just get up and leave and not tell me where they are forwarding address or number....

Which would not surprise me none...cause ya no....That's how they might roll...

Then there is another issue I'm dealing with. The Hubs brother wants to take The Boy and Blondie for two weeks in the summer. And this is troubling me.

I do not want my kids in another state without me. Cause I am a bad mom that way. I mean what mom lets their young spawns out of state without them unless your selling them?

I just don't think its cool.

And to top it off, the hubs thinks they should go.

so this is causing fights.

I say if they want to see the kids so badly, they can come HERE for a visit and see them. Why should I send them there?

Sure most days I would like them to go far far away in a hot air balloon and just hover in the sky...not too far where I cant see them, but far enough to where I don't hear their voices.

They could hover in the backyard, in a balloon, and I will let them down for meals and showers..unless it rains, then the shower is covered...and no need to come down till the next meal time...

But most of all, I need to have them under my nose at all times because well, they are the only tots I have, and there isn't anyone I trust to take care of them but me.

Especially out of state...

So am I being totally unreasonable?

Doesn't matter what u say, because well...

they aren't going.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Have a nice day

Sorry for my absence, I know the blogger world can barley get by when I am gone like that. And I do apologize to you and yours.

From now on, I will only be posting about once a week as I have a life and well, its just not fun anymore.

There are people who come here and read who were never invited but somehow found the address on an old myspace blog or stalked me, I don't know..but they read it, and it makes it no fun.

I was thinking of going private, but that's a lot of work, and that's not what I want...

So im just going to blog once a week or so if I feel like it.

Some people have to ruin shit....I hate those kinda people.

You BIG poo poo diaper baby.


Anyway, moving along...

I have these things that happen to me allot, I will think about something, and BAM it happens.

Take for instance last summer I was driving down my street and these Robins kept flying near my car pissing me off. So one day I thought to myself, in my head, I hope I kill one.

Not more then two second later, one flew right into my windshield.

Things like that happen alot...

Yesterday morning I was in the tub. Ya no, getting clean.

A thought popped into my head just suddenly. It was by no means a pleasant thought, but a thought none the less.

I envisioned an episode that happened a year ago or so.

I was sitting at my computer and out of nowhere this BIG F-ing spider wrapped its big huge legs around my mouse.

This spider was clearish whitish color and was huge...Like mammoth size shit we are talking.

So, I had this in my head, recalling that nightmare.

I get out of the tub and BOOM, there is a huge spider climbing on my bathroom walls. He didn't realize his day was about to get real bad...

I just thought it was odd....I think im gifted or some shit, but I cant say for sure..

But im pretty goll dang sure.

Hey, wanna see whats in my bush?

no no, not THAT bush u damn pervs..

When I become a grandma, I will show u pics of the tots...

I think I killed this birds grandma last year with my windshield..


On Saturday my city had its city wide garage sale. Now normally I am not a garage sale goer. The thought of buying and using crap other people did, kinda skeeves me out. But my mom is all for a good bargin, so I went along..

here is another instance where my super powers enthralled my being.

I was thinking to myself it would be damn nice to find some sort of priceless artifact. Something for a good deal that would only cause me great joy..

Something that comes along once in a lifetime.

After 20 or so houses, it was looking bleak...then....

We went to a nice fancy house in my hood, and I spotted it from the sidewalk, because well, you can sense this shit from the road.

I walked slowly over to the table as to not to disturb anything...

And there it was, shining, calling to me..

for a mear damn 10 cents..

Who knew a dime could by this bitch so much freakin happiness?

Here it is..

Its one of those mirrors you use to be able to win at your county fair. I had tons of these as a, this bitch has another one...

I was so giddy with my find, I took a pic and texted it to everyone I knew.

Poor Val at 1plustwins had to hear ALL about it...

She said it would make for a great post....

she also said what losers we were for texting so long about it.

I had to agree...


Its been a while since I posted pics of the tots...I took this on my new cell phone which I hate...took it Mothers Day..


Thats all I have folks....that's all she wrote...

Wednesday, May 07, 2008


Well its been one of those weeks.

First I decided to switch schools. See, I was going to a full cosmetology school and in the end going to be forking out around 22,000. And the thought of paying that back made me have diarrhea. The kind that burns coming out...

I do not want to do hair, I have done that before, all I want is to do nails and facials..But this school mostly concentrated on hair..

SO I found a school that is going to cost me about 4,000 and its JUST esthetician classes. That is a fancy term for skin care, go ahead and google it if u want...

The downside is its at a college, so I can not start untill August.

Upside, its about 30 miles closer.

Downside, wont be done until March

Upside, thats ok, I dont care.

Then after im done with that, they offer the nail tech classes. So I will take that as well.

Which that is only about a 2 month program.

The whole stress of taking a loan for 22,000 was causing heart palpitations. I mean if I was buying a car or hell and male prostitute, thats one thing...

I just thought that the school was way over priced..I guess I was paying for the ambiance, because it was a gorgeous building of higher education.

I am still going to have to re-pay some of the money for the 3 weeks I went to this school, and I am hoping its not a lot, because frankly, I was not taught anything I didnt already know..


I got a new cell phone. And I hate it.

Lets see, what else...

My eldest child did a something I have never seen..

He ate some pizza.

Most of you will not understand the significance of that, and thats ok...To most they are thinking what 11 year old boy doesn't eat pizza?

Well this one..

He also came home from school with holes in his pants, clearly made by a pair of scirrors.

Kids are so damn stupid.

Blondie and Boo are coming along ok...

Blondie has boys after her that are her brothers age. Isn't that called statutory girl liking?

She is 8 for Petes sake...damn it..She might feel the need to wear a brazier, but thats cause she just wants to be like her momma.

I guess I have no news, so sorry for wasting your valuable time.

Carry on, nothing to see here.

Oh and what the hell, I tried publishing this for Thursday and it told me it would automactically be published Thursday at 15:22

So much for writing a post a day early..

God I hate peoeple...

Oh yeah, and I did pass my drivers test....

I knew u were dying to know that..

Saturday, May 03, 2008

Life in the fast lane

Thank you for all your birthday comments and such, it made me all warm and fuzzy inside..

So this is a re-cap of the week gone by..

Ok, I told u about the girls who think I am 18...yeah, well I had a total 360 happen after that..

See our business had a salon fair, in which many salons in the surrounding area come to the school to mingle with all the students, set up booths and try to get us to want to work for them when we are done with school.

So as I was making nice with some salon owners I had this tap on my shoulder. I turn around and this woman is standing there..The way she touched me was as if she knew me or something..

I look at her and say...YES...cause I was kinda ticked about being tapped.

This woman was around 50 or so, had a nose ring and the wire was hanging out her nose. The part that is suppose to be tucked inside the nose, and I couldn't stop looking at it..

As I am staring at her nose she says to me in the nicest way possible..

hey, I would hire you in a heart beat, we are always wanting to hire older women for salons because they bring something that an 18 year old cant, I assume your not 18 or anywhere near it..hardy har har.

I killed her.

Then on my birthday I had to get my Minnesota drivers licence because well, im a loser and put off everything till the very last second. ThaTs how I roll.

My Michigan one expires on my birthday so this means I'm up shits crick with no paddle.

I head out to the DMV, because that's where u go.

I go in, give them all my forms of ID and take the test on the computer.

I finish and it says.

u got a 78%....

U did not pass

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD someone please kill me now.

How does a 33 year old woman NOT pass her drivers test ON her birthday?

I just start giggling uncontrollably..because I mean, what else can ya do?

Then I take my giggly ass back to the car and text everyone I know to tell them I failed my test.

I can not take it again till Monday, so I am in deep crap...

Then its pouring rain and my wipers decide to stop working...and I have 30 miles to drive to get home..

with no valid licence..

Go ME..

So if I disappear for a while, it might be because I have been pulled over on my way to class and I cant afford the bail money, and I don't have enough lip gloss to buy my way outta that.

The woman at the DMV asked if I needed a book. I was like , A book for what?

Shes like, to study.

OHH, u can study? Im all over that like flies on shit, because I have no idea how many feet away a car needs to be before I turn my high beams off..

Im a tool .


Here are some pics.

These are just pics from my birthday...


My cake, now don't be jealous, there is plenty high school musical to go round people

Me, my cake and two of my tots...

Me and the hubs...

U might think he was the one drunk, but alas, it twas me...

Now there u can clearly see I was the intoxicated one..

This is just us....all partyin like its 1999...

Gotta party while im not in prison...gonna enjoy my freedom while it lasts..

Friday, May 02, 2008

Lick it up

First off, don't make any smart comments about the day I have this posted for...There are two reasons for this..

1:that's my birthday and B : Cause I want to..

So its been a long freaking week and I am spent.

I drive an hour to the city daily and an hour back, not like there is a short cut for the way back, of course its the same damn a jackass.

I think I am the oldest one in the school.

One of the girls asked how old I was. I was like, u go ahead and guess.

She said 23.

I said..RIGHT ON.

Then we got to talkin, and she was asking how long I have been married, I told her 13 years. Then she said and u still like him?

Oh those tiny little 18 year old brains, so small, so dainty, so empty.

One girl noticed my Def Leppard tattoo on my back, and shes like, cool flag, whats it say?

I show her and she is totally confused.

Not only did she not know what the flag meant, nor what Hysteria meant, but she wasn't even sure who Def leppard was.

So Monday I am conducting a getting to know Lepps workshop...

damnit, I don't have time for this nonsense.

On the way home from class Friday it was raining and snowing, mind you the day before it was 80 degrees..but that's how this God forsaken state rolls, anyway, I had my wipers on. Cause that's what u do.

I noticed after a while the wipers would go at a different speed, without me touching it.

Then I started paying very good attention to this phenomenon, and realized it had to do with the speed I was driving.

When I slowed down, the wipers went slower, because I guess going 40 miles an hour in a rain/snow storm means you don't need your windshield cleaned any damn faster, but good God you travel at 60 and those babies cant keep up.

Who designs car features like this? I total boob that's who.

I'm still stewing about my concert experience, I know I need to get over it...But I cant, I tend to hold grudges for a while...I'm a jackass that way.

But thank God for my pal over there, she saved me.

Def Leppard fans can make the greatest friends, because we get it...and u people don't.

Lets see, what else was I going to say?

Did I tell you people think I'm 23?..

Shit, I think I covered that all ready...

Thats really been the ONLY highlight.