Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Blondes have more fun

I sometimes wonder what I am thinking when i do certain things. Like cut my hair, buy a slutty bra, or have babies.

Sure when you have your first baby, its kind of trial and error. Everything is new and you are just blown away daily by the shit that fills up the diaper..what baby can produce so much fecal matter?

You learn to deal with it..then when they are potty trained you still continue to wipe the ass because they just can not get the hang of it and tend to leave skid marks in their spider-man underoo's.

Then you think its a wise idea to add one more baby to that, because handling toddler fecal matter and infant fecal matter is just something one thinks they can handle all at once.

Almost nine years ago I did just that. I added another baby to the well established one I had already.

When you have one wizzing in the crapper and that can put his own underwear on and feed himself, even though u still have ass wiping to do, you are pretty much free and clear of all things baby.

Yet, most of us go do that silly thing and have relations with no means of sperm control.

My middle baby was not only my biggest one to push forth, but she was also my worst sleeper, had jaundice the worst, and was talking in full sentces by 9 months which means I have been listening to her babble now non stop for many years.

She sure was the fugliest looking baby I had seen up to that point. I had pushed her out so fast her face was bruised.

After 24 hours her troll like appreance turned into something specail.

She morphed overnite into a beauty.

Sure, all moms think their daughters are pretty, trust me I know.

She is not only a knock out in her appreance, she truly has something that makes me want to be a better person..It does not work alot, but the fact she harbors that for me is a good thing.

She wants to be a vet when she grows up, and she wants to live on a farm and grow corn and have cows and horses.

My baby girl has the bluest eyes, and the brightest smile...nothing like her mother.

I think thats what so specail about her, she is nothing like me. And I am greatful for that.

We look alike, but she will grow up to be a much better person that I could ever dream of being.

It makes me proud, yet it also makes me angry.

I look at her and see me when i was nine years old, and she outshines me by 100 miles.

She gets mad at me for yelling at the dog. She loves to do the dishes, but she hates to clean her room.

On the weekend if her and Boo get up early, she will make Boo breakfast all on her own..

I never wanted kids when i was a younger. In fact, other peoples kids drove me nuts..

still do...

Blonde excels in school, has had boys wanting to marry her since pre school, and is a world class althete...i say that because she kicks my ass at all the Wii games, plus she can run circles around a fuckin cheeta.

So here is my girl, who will turn one year older on Super Bowl Sunday..

I am now going to show some older pics of her, just because I can..

Thats her on the ferris wheel at the Mall of America when she was 4.

this is her learning to ride a bike when she was 5.

just chilling in the grass on a hot summer day.

Anyway, my kid is having a birthday and well...I am just telling u..

Wanna know what I got her?

She does not know yet, and these bitches are camping out in my room till the weekend.

cause im a cool mom and shit..

there is Boo posing with them...
a bought a couple of rodants...
thats what cool hip moms do..
So happy birthday to my 9 year old baby girl..
Somewhere there is a pile of manure with her name on it.
(cause she wants to be a farmer and a vet, not because I think she is shitty)

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Center of balance

My life is in shrambles. Is that even a word? I don't know, if its not, I am copy writing that bitch.

At least the weather is starting to look up, a little. I thought I saw the sun one day, but that could of been a momentary lapse of reason or some other medical malfunction.

I went and bought a Wii and Wii Fit over the weekend. Like I don't spend enough time doing physical activity. Between the 3 hours a day I spend at the gym, the hours I spend chasing the animals and my 5 year old, and my personal best which is done under lock and key in my nice king size bed, but thats another story..

According to this Wii Fit thing, I am 44 years old, simply because I can not maintain a good center of balance. how do they know I don't suffer from some sort of balance disorder, and them telling me I am 44 just set me off to the roof top. Do they care?

I'm thinking not.

I masted a couple of the activities, like Hoola Hoops..( I have some hot hip action, don't be hatin).

I rather like the bowling. The Hubs and I were playing and I swear to God he puts such force in his throw u swear he is holding a 20 pound ball. I tell him that he needs to take it easy before he pulls something. You are indeed not really holding a ball my dear, so back off before you clock me in the face.

I kicked his ass at tennis, bowling and of course, the hoola hoops. I am that good.

Ok, I have another gym story, I know how you guys love that shit, and I like to deliver. I am a people pleaser.

So I am at the gym, and this really nice looking guy is on the bike.(i dont know why all the crazies are good looking)just come off of my 45 minute run on the treadmill and am heading towards the bikes for a 20 minute ride..

All the good stuff happens at the bike area, I have noticed that.

Anyway, he has a remote and is surfing, and we all know I hate surfing. he lands on one of those religious channels. thats all fine and good, I don't care, I don't watch anyway..

After a while I think I start hearing things from his mouth, but since my Ipod is up kinda loud, I am not sure. So I turn it down a bit so I can listen.

Sure enough, its what I thought I heard..

"hallelujah"..Praise Jesus"

Yup, out loud, in the gym.

Not that there is anything wrong with that, it was just kinda distracting...because the only person who knew he was watching that was me..cause you can not hear it unless you are wearing the ear plugs for the tv..

before too long he is shouting to the Lord Almighty and praising his works..

while biking.

We both got done around the same time, when he was done I walked by him to get the spray to clean off my bike..we meet at the paper towel station.

He says..

" nothing like a good workout with the Lord"

"yup, sure enough,,shalom my friend"

He says..

"right on sexy"

so we go from praising Jesus, to sexual harassment.

And I liked it.


Thursday, January 15, 2009

ice age

This week has been for shit. Am I allowed to say that or will they bleep it out?

Its been a bitter cold week. They delayed school Monday, they cancelled school today. Its 30 below zero right now and with the wind its about 50 below. I know, don't be hatin on me, you could have this too if you really wanted it.

Lets see, what can I complain about today? I am sure I can think of something.

Since my mom moved in, my mood seems to be a tad, well, shitty. I know we had no choice but to let her stay here, not like I could let her live in a van down by the river. Because she does not have a van. And we have no river, just a lake.

She is constantly whistling and eating. We could eat a 12 course meal, that I prepared of course, and ten minutes after we eat, she is digging thru my house looking for more food. She reminds me of some sort of wildebeest out in the savanna, not knowing when its next meal will come, so it eats any meal it finds, hoping it wont be its last, but just in case it is, they will die satisfied.

i have been going to the gym alot because being in my own house is making me want to beat things.

While I was at the gym the other day a fairly nice looking man got on an piece of equipment next to me. He looked to be in his late 40's early 50's..Looked reasonable enough, like a smart fella. Maybe played t-ball and was a boy scout.

There are tv's all over the gym, in front of all the machines, I never grab a remote and ear pieces because I bring my Ipod, and thats all a woman needs. But I do tend to read lips or read the closed captioning of the shows they are watching.

This man was channel surfing, which in itself was annoying. First we were watching something about a horse stud service or something, the stud was paid 150,000 to screw a lady horse..I'm thinking, holy toots.

Then he landed on a channel and left it there.

For brief moment I thought I was being hurled into some violent time warp that sucked me back home..where Idid not want to be.

He was watching the Disney Channel.

Now granted, Hannah Montana and The Suite life of Zach and Cody are good shows, if your between the ages of 5 and 12, but mother of God, I knew right then he must be one of those who rode the short bus..

I kept looking at him, looking at the tv, then looking at him again.

He says.."do u mind if I have this on?"

Me, is he talking me?..Why would I care what this man who is obviously still breastfeeding watches?

I told him watch what he wants, and that I found it funny he watches the same think I thought my 5 year old was watching at this very minute.

This was him..

" great, i love this episode"

what a douche bag.

I tried picturing my dad at a gym, channel surfing..Because the guy looked about my dads age.

I could picture my dad landing on the news, the golf channel, or hell, the playboy channel.

I could tell this was a very sick man. The kind that follows kids around asking them what happen on Drake and Josh last night because he missed it because he had some sort of board meeting that ran late.

I should of asked for his number.

What else?

its cold out...did I say that already?

crap I think I did.

Well, if my car starts I'm just gonna go to the gym right now.

My mom is whistling, my son is playing with army guys and making shooting sounds, my girls are watching a movie and giggling, the dog is barking, oh wait, now mom is in the cupboard I can here bags restling is hungry again...

I'm outta here.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

we're not gonna take it

I will make this short and sweet, as to save you time on reading worthless crap.

I am so damn stressed out right now, I cant even think straight. I have been spending more time then I should at the gym, just to get out of this house before there is bloodshed of any kind.

My 5 year old never stops talking, even in the bathroom she talks when she is sleeping she talks.. it never ends, My nearly 12 year doesn't stop fixing his hair and sassing me, my almost 9 year old wont stop being cute, my mother wont stop eating, and my hubs wont put the dishes away.

My dog wont stop barking to go outside, she likes to play in the snow, my cat wont stay off my pillow at night.

Its everyone in this damn house. They are all killing me slowly.

I know when its my time to go its my time to I am prepared.

The year that was suppose to put me first for once, is turning into being the fucking opposite.

And its wearing on whats left of my nerves. Every year I am shoved to the side, because I make sure everyone else is ok and taken care of..I take care of people who don't even live in my house for Gods sake.

I give up...

And I just don't feel close to any of my friends anymore. Hell I don't even call them anymore, or have the need/want to.

Most of my friends only want to talk about themselves, and never ask about whats going on with me...and I never tell them, cause they never ask. Its all about them.

I am drained.

Over the years this has wore me down.

This is me..I am wore down.

Thats all I got.

Monday, January 05, 2009

the living years

Last night I had the tv on, because I am not of Amish decent and I do require an electronic feed at all times, it keeps my heart in rhythm.

There was a movie on HBO that I have seen, and I hate it. I hate it because it makes me sad, depressed and hypertensive..(that means gives me high blood pressure for u non Internet medical degree holders), yet I watched it anyway, knowing full well what was going to happen to me.

Not only did I have the shittiest dreams, but now I have all sorts of things I think I need to do before the big day gets here.

What big day am I referring to you ask?..

My demise.

Yes folks, I need to stop watching the damn movie The Bucket List before I end up doing random acts of kindness to strangers or heck, adopt an orphan.

It does get me thinking of shit I would like to accomplish or do before that tragic day shall arise.

I was thinking maybe I should try and do some more traveling, something more scenic then a trip to Michigan or New Mexico...

I am thinking somewhere like Ethiopia, and maybe kill two birds with one stone and bring home a car full of tots that need some oatmeal and a kool aide juice box.

I would also like to attend a black tie affair..Never in my life have I even been invited to such an event. I want to go and show up with a red tie..

I would like to have enough money to purchase a helicopter..I don't know where i would store such a mode of transportation, but I just think it would be nice to say I had one.

I would like to set up arranged marriages for my tots, so they don't end up with losers I need to put a hit out on. I see nothing wrong with an arranged marriage, look how well it works out for all those cults in Utah. They all seem on the up and up.

I don't want to do anything boring like jump out of planes or see the great wall of china..I want to do bigger and better things.

Like own a copter, cause whats cooler then that?

Anyway. enough of that...

I forgot to give you the horrid facts last post, so i will give u a double dose today, cause I like to play fair and nice.

*Cockroaches can make themselves super-slim and can flatten their bodies to a size just a little thicker than a piece of paper to crawl into cracks.

*An American Delicacy called Headcheese is made by cooking a whole cow or pig head into a mush and letting it coll down into a jelly like state.

*A smelly fart contains the same gas as found in rotten eggs

*when you sneeze,all your body functions stop-even your heart stops beating. A very long sneezing fit and cause a heart attack.

There you go...

enjoy...happy sneezing.

Sunday, January 04, 2009

Love Bizzare

So the new year is off with a deafening bang, wouldn't y'all say? Yes, yes I sure would. That ringing in your ears, that's not a remnant of your drunken stooper from new Years eve, thats the new year trying to get into the depths of your conscience. Is it working?

So far this year I have managed to not break any resolutions, because i am just that good. I have went to the gym nearly everyday and have managed to not do any bodily harm to anyone..yet.

Don't get me wrong I know its only like day 4, but this is big stuff here.

Let me ask you smart, educated humans a question..Is it wrong I wont let my tots go out and play when its 4 below zero? I see the neighbor kids out, even sledding down OUR hill, and yet I wont let my own heathens out of doors unless its at least 20 degrees. Now when I was a kid, the cold never bothered me as it does not my tots..BUT Michigan winters are much warmer then a hearty Minnesota winter.

When the air temperature is anything below zero, why do u let tots outside? Do you want their poor defenseless bodies to end up in a frozen tundra or a frost bitten mess?

Nancy Grace would have a field day with that shit right there.

And while my kids are at school they are forced to go out for recess unless the air temp is 20 below...Holy toots know.

I have my own written rule for my kids at the school..If its so cold the mucus freezes in my eye while I am out getting the mail, my tots stay indoors for recess and do things like read, scrub toilets or grade papers.

I just don't see the point in it..going out doors when its that cold. Frankly I don't understand how people in Alaska function. One of my daughters friends just moved there this summer, and during the day, not only is there no sunshine hardly, but the high temps are around 35 below zero.

To that I say?


How do u function? Is work AND school cancelled for everyone? One day it was 56 below zero there, sure it got that cold here about 2 years ago, and they did not shut anything down but my good mood. Here I think its bad when its 20 below, I just am not sure I can handle it any colder then that, cause well, I am a wuss.

I got my hair highlighted yesterday...just thought I would let u know.

What else?..

Oh, yes...the hubs is having another one of his "episodes"..they come and go and I never mention anything about them, cause well, not like you really care..But each time they come back they are worse..

Now its effecting his speech, his facial muscles, and he says he feels like he sometimes has needles in his ass..

I'm just sayin..

I took him to the doctor the other day and they are sending him out again, it didn't do much good last time, so who knows.

Where the hell is Dr.House when u need him? Sometimes a good jackass comes in handy.

I'm just sayin.

Thursday, January 01, 2009

New Sensation

So, I thought I would wake up today and feel something...besides a hangover, but I feel nothing..not even a hangover.
I was glad to see 2008 leave, as I feel as though it was a very bad year. Not in the sense that I lost any loved ones, or hell that I lost anything, but shit loads of money, but thats neither here nor there..

I just wanted to wake up and feel something. For the last several weeks I thought for sure that 2009 would be my year, I could just feel it.

Alas, I feel nothing.

I know you have to make your own luck and your own happiness, yes yes, I know that. I was just hoping for something to fall out of the sky, land on my face, lick me, and call me George.
So far, it has been a quiet start to the new year.

I do however want to make some changes this year...and sure I will indulge you with some of them, because that's how I roll.
* First up, I want to change my attitude as I tend to have a shitty one, and I know this. But really how do you change something you were born with. And God wants me to be a bitch, and I don't know why.
*Next, I want to make more time for myself..I do not want to do things just to please others..I will no longer take "vacations" to my homeland, because frankly, its like a waste of a vacation. No one else takes a vacation here, so why do I need to go there?..I don't..My kids will go on a real vacation this year..damnit.

although I am going in June for my class reunion, my 16th year reunion, don't ask..But if it was not for that event, we would not be going at all.

*I want to hit the gym at least 4 days a week...maybe 8 days a week..I don't know, we will see how tired I get.
* I would love this year to get a boob job, a nose job and lipo on my ankles..

I don't foresee me succeeding at any of this..So that right there lets you all know I have a bleak start.

Lets talk about Christmas shall we?...One good thing did transpire, my FIL did not come..I did not ask why, because frankly we were both so relieved that we did not care..

Lets see, what else..
Oh I did get my very own karaoke machine..yes yes...I did..

I will just shower you with a couple shots..

See. I did not drag the fuckin tree out to the road like I wanted..but when I set it back up after its fall, I just threw all the crap on it, at this point I was so not in a holiday mood I coulda gave a crap less..and it shows.

The mess afterward...and we all know this bitch has messes.
We will fast forward to New Years, because truthfully, there is not much to report on from xmas day till now..

Other then my hubs has been home since Xmas Eve, and it makes me wonder how when we both hit retirement age, how i will not kill him when we are forced to be together all day everyday..

I'm just sayin..

Anyway, on to New Years..I had a small gathering at my dwelling with a couple close pals and my lovely personality.

My boy and my boo..

My boy and my Blondie

Pale Girl with my girl tots and my mother on her lap...

We broke out the DDR and here is Hubs doin his best to get some sort of grove on, my mother is on the couch watching..

See. who says white boys cant dance?...see me, I am planted firmly on the couch with my friend barb..right where we should be...we are not making asses of ourselves.

There is my Boo and Pale Girls man and his big ass dog..

Look all my babies are tuckered out..wussies.
The night was pretty dull, I really did no drinking, was in a bad mood and was super tired..One thing that did happen though, when hubs and I went up to bed, my son came running up asking if we were moving furniture.
And NO we were not naked and doing anything X rated...
The boy said he heard some loud noises so he went down to check it out..
When the hubs got downstairs he looked out our side window and there was a man in our yard walking away from the door and our garage door was open.
So of course this bitch could not sleep after that because holy shit, a level 3 sex offender just moved to town and I was sure it musta been him wanting to get his rapist hands on me because he musta seen me outside or somewhere and thought maybe he needed to tap that.
But I do know, because I do have inside info at the jail, that he is under constant supervision and is living at the jail and is only let out 4 hours a day and that is to find a job, and if this fucker gets a job before I do, holy shit I will foam at the mouth.
But a level 3 sex offender is someone who they are sure will strike again and this is why they keep a watchful eye on them.
I have heard he is not a pedophile, but rather he likes to rape women..
Now try and go to sleep after a strange man is in your yard and there is a sex offender on the loose..
Sweet Dreams assholes..
Oh and my finger..
I sliced it open on a piece of glass from a picture frame..sliced the bitch wide open and even sliced thru my digital nerve so now I have no feeling in that finger.
I had three stitches put in, they are out now and all is well..
This is a special bonus we will be doing from here on out...Blondie got this book for Xmas, its called 1001 horrid but true facts, and I thought for shits and giggles I would post two facts per post..
it will take us years to get thru it, but hell, all I have is time.
*the stomach acid in your stomach is so strong it can dissolve razor blades, but its still not a good idea to eat them.
*A beef tapeworm,caught from eating eggs in infected beef, can grow to 39 feet long in the human gut.