Sunday, November 30, 2008

When its right its right why wait till the middle of a cold dark nite

Well it is over. They came, they went, and now the house is quiet.

Having the mother in law here was not so bad. Normally people in space get on my nerves in seconds flat...I am not a people person..As everyone knows. But it was not so bad having them here.

They got here Tuesday night, and left early Sunday morning..

I spent all day Wednesday preparing for the dinner, I made my pies ahead of time, because it takes a lot to scrape the flesh off the pumpkins and what not..

Thursday we got up early to get that damn bird in the oven..Everything smelled so good, it was making me crazy..Like i wanted to start stabbing things because i was so hungry. But I did not.

Then it was time to eat, I had 12 people at my table and things were going well.

Then I knocked over a candle and nearly set Pale Girl's lap on fire and spilled her soda on the floor.

Then I was hit with my medical condition and was unable to eat anything at all, which in turn made me wanna stab and kick things.

I will not go into detail, but I have something wrong that makes it hard to swallow at times, and well, it hit me at thanksgiving dinner, and it was a big downer.

I have been unable to eat much of anything last couple days, I am sure its nothing that a doctor can not fix, but why would I do that?

My mother in law kept the dishes clean. That was nice. I think I bore her so much she dirtied dishes on purpose just to have something to do.

And that was ok with me.

We sat around playing cards and drinkin some hard stuff...ya no, that is what keeps family together..


Oh I had to join my local gym here in town..

No No, my treadmill is still alive and well...its just my doctor told me that with the way my remaining sliver of thyroid was running..(which its not I guess) and since I refuse to take pills, I need to burn an EXTRA 800 calories per day...yes, I said per day, in order to maintain the weight I am at...and an extra 1200 in order to lose any.

This is on top of the hour I spend on the treadmill a day as well as working with my weights.

So, in the mornings I will be hitting the gym for two hours, then again after supper time. Since its open 24 hours a day, I can go up at 2am if I so please.

or I could just have the rest of my cancerous thyroid taken out and take my pills, and I would not have to resort to such measures.

But I do not like pills, or having my throat cut open. because trust me, that is no fun at all..

I have decided I am going to take a snow removal job somewhere in Siberia. I can not drive a stick, or drive well in slippery conditions, and do not know how to plow anything, but hell, they offered...its not like Siberia is that far away or anything.

I know that was just a random thing, I am sorry...

My mind has been wandering a lot lately too...

I think I may have done something really stupid....but I said that before and it turned out ok.

But really, you need to think things thru before you do such acts.

Ok I know...random again.

I told you, my mind has been wandering lately. I am like a two year old..shiny objects distract me.

My turkey looked good though..

Can you believe I did not take one photo over the long holiday weekend?

Told ya, my mind has been in other places, and it needs to come back home.

I started getting some Christmas things out, but I swear it feels like i just put them away..

I was going to get our tree, but decided we would do it next weekend because I can only handle one holiday per week.

And frankly, I hate messing up the house with trees and shit...I do not like messes or having things out of place, it kinda makes me crazy.

Just like I can not have a dirty dish in my sink...or all hell breaks loose.

If you put one fork in there, I will come right behind you and wash that bastard so fast you do not even remember what you used that fork for.

I'm just sayin..

And putting a tree inside my house just causes me to have heart palpitations and sweaty palms..

Not to mention the glass ornaments, the decorations placed about...

I just can not handle it...Not this early.

I think the day before Christmas is long as you take it right down after the shit is all opened.

So to sum up the last couple days...

the MIL came, i baked shit, my turkey looked handsome enough to eat, I could not swallow and was unable to partake in anything, I had to join the gym because my body hates and wants me to die, I hate putting trees in my house and I hate dirty dishes.

Yup, that covers it..

Oh and I have had some really bad gas cramps too...went thru a whole box of gas-x in the last 3 days.

Just thought you would like to know.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Crappy Holidays!

It seems another Thanksgiving is yet upon us. Are you prepared? No?...well, Martha Stewart and I will be the first to tell you that you suck donkey balls. There, I said it.

I myself am no Suzie homemaker or anything, but I do make all my crap from scratch, cause well, I'm just awesome. Thanksgiving is about the only holiday that I take the time to make myself look better then I really am. My house is extra clean, the kids are extra polite, I clean the litter box with a little extra love, and I look extra hot.

I'm just sayin..

Now for Christmas you would think that I would go all out and make the house glow with all the trimmings and whatnot's that totally commercialize the whole season.

And I do...

But every year around Christmas, it is just too stressful, and every year I always put it on my to-do list to become a Jew.

Jews have it easy this time of year. They do not have the bother of cutting down trees, wrapping presents, hanging the stockings, and sending out Christmas Cards.

Sure they have those 8 days during Hanuka, but heck, I can swing 8 days, Christmas starts around August, and goes till around Jan 1st. And that shit ain't right.

I love Jesus as much as the next guy, I really do. But there comes a time where people take the Holiday too far.

And by too far I mean setting shit out in September with the back to school supplies.

But lets get back to Thanksgiving...

I do like this day...I do not watch football, nor do I watch the parades. What I do like though, is to eat

I do like to eat..Eat, drink and be freakin merry.

Who doesn't like to be merry?

I thought I better do my normal thankful lets just get to it.

I am thankful that I still have my house, because some people well, are celebrating Thanksgiving in a box down by the river...cause they can not afford the van payments either..

I am thankful the hubs still has a job, and a good one...cause some people do not have jobs or can not find jobs, including me...

I am thankful my kids are so cute...because well, they could look like fugly trolls..

I am thankful for my haircut, I have been told countless times I look 10 years younger, and for that I say...

bottoms up..

I am also thankful for the fact that my dog has not had shit caked to her ass in months..and all thanks to me, because I am also thankful that I realized I am a very talented dog groomer.

I am also thankful I have not seen this bastard in quite some time...because holy toots, he scares the shite out of me!

Now that I have creeped you all out, lets get back to being thankful, because the good Lord wants to us to be thankful, so lets not let Him down.

I am also thankful that my 6th grader will more then likely be on the honor roll this year, last year he had a shitty year and I nearly killed him...I guess hitting Jr High turns a boy into a man..

Although he has no facial hair, and doesn't take my Shape magazine into the bathroom with him...yet...He is still shaping into a fine young man.

I am thankful my little girl is doing so well in school, she may be in advanced classes before the year is over...she clearly gets her smarts from...

the hot UPS guy..

I am also thankful my baby has outgrew the likes of the wiggles and has moved on to bigger and better things..

Like Zac Efron..

Although as most of you know, I was totally in love with that blue wiggle...

I am also thankful for eggnog. I just had some and I must say, that shit taste better every year.

Being thankful for stupid things is better than not being thankful at all...remember that boys and girls.

I am thankful we got thru this year with no major illness from anyone..that's always a plus..

No one died, other then bad grandma and that does not really count..after all, I did get to make a killer kick ass road trip and see weird things...

I like weird things.

I am thankful I finally passed my MN drivers test, otherwise I would not of been able to drive over 20 states in the span of 3 months..I would had to ride shot gun.

And I am a very bad backseat driver...this is why I wont let the hubs drive anywhere. He makes me nervous.

Even though I only got to one damn show this year, when normally I hit at least 4 or 5..That my Lepp was totally kick ass, and I even got pulled on stage..

and I also had the best company at the was steller.

It made the trek to Iowa not so crappy...and it was so flippin hot out..But it was awesome.

I am hoping the Lepps plan a better tour next year, or there will be a strongly worded letter written.

I am also thankful I was able to hang out with some old friends over the summer back in the homeland, as I am not sure I am making it at all this year, I will have to just look back fondly on the time I had..

I guess I am thankful for a lot of things....

but mostly, im thankful I have went another year without dying, cause you really never know when that might happen, and really, there is still another full month Left and I may have spoken to soon...

I never thought about that...shit...

Anyway, I hope all of you who come here and read, whether you have ever left a comment or not, whether this is your 1,000 time here or your first..

Have a Merry Thanksgiving and Happy over-eating.

so from my dysfunctional family to yours...

Happy eatin..

Thursday, November 20, 2008

dont worry, B happy

Do you ever notice people's teeth? I am a self proclaimed tooth looker. I always think there is no reason why a kid has more silver in their mouth then I have in my pocket, and I also do not understand why so many adults have snagle teeth..

There is this one woman that works at a place i go to once in a while, and she has the most hideous teeth..some are missing and the ones she has are blackened like cat fish.

But the other day when I ran into to her, I noticed something different about her..low and behold, she had dentures..

It sorta looked like she had horse her teeth were too big for her mouth..

I swore it was Mr Ed, only he is slightly better looking.

Then I have to wonder, does she realize she looks like she has horse teeth?

I bet she thinks she looks all swanky and cool kinda like this.

When in reality she looks more like this.


I sorta feel bad for her because she looks way worse now..

I kinda miss the snaggle teeth, because frankly the horse teeth scare the shit outta me.


Yesterday I was thinking about my driving trek out west this past summer, when I tried listening to my Jimmy Buffet CD and wondered why the damn thing wouldn't work, then I realized it was a DVD, not a CD...

and I just giggled..out loud.

to myself..

Then I thought about me driving in Amarillo Texas and getting a tad lost and ended up going down a very busy one way street.

The wrong way.

And I giggled again.

Then I thought about the time my friend and I went to the Mexican restaurant last month and having the lady tell us her cooks were deported so she wasn't serving food that day..

that made me giggle too..

because seriously, who shuts down a restaurant because the cook was deported?

i mean holy crap.

Only in this town people, only in this town.

When u go to bed at night, you can thank your lucky stars you don't live here..

The folks in this town just keep getting better and better...

Gawd I cant wait to move...

The horse teeth, the deported cooks, the meth dealers..( we have a drug treatment center JUST for kids, ages 11-18)...I worked at it briefly, but it was way too damn depressing..

I guess I did too much thinking today..

and too much giggling, i think i wet myself.


Here is some more Aussie slang for you people wanting to learn more..

A Bastard is a term of endearment..

Chunder means to when u are full as a boot and ready to chunder..

that means you drank to much and are puking.

Have a naughty, means making whoppie..

Old fella, well sorry boys but thats a penis. in.."im gonna hit the piss"

that means your going to go drink beer, piss is beer.

So there is your lesson for today..


Monday, November 17, 2008

its a mistake

When I was a younger gal I did some questionable things. Hell, even as an older gal I still find myself doing questionable things. And I admit it.

Back in the day for a good time and a hell of a laugh, some friends of mine and I would go out to say a club and have fun with people...

wanna know what kinda fun?

We would go in a talk with accents, pretending we were from across the pond..

My one pal was always British...She could nail a British accent bloody damn well..

My other pal, she could nail an Irish one like no body's business, like you would swear she was part leprechaun...

My accent, well...I mastered this at an early age, because my favorite movie as a older kid was Crocodile Dundee..So it only seemed natural for me to embrace my inner wallaby.

and I was killer...I mean dead on. I once ran into someone from down under whilst pretending to be down under myself.

If you know some of the terminology of the outback, your going to be ok..

This was the first line I said to the gentleman when I found out he was from Aussie..

between you and I, most of these Americans have a kangaroo lose in the top padlock.

yeah, he got a good chuckle out of that.

Then I would say things like..

you seem like a real ridgy didge.

He nodded and thanked , me.

See when you go out with your fake accents, you need to be brushed up on the land your pretending to reside from.

You need to know the lay of the land, the common talk, and slang..

To master these things takes some skill, and some real dedication. Its not for just anyone.

Then the man said to me..

your just a wonder, a true fair suck of the sav.

to which I said..

aww, good onya.

Truly if u want to learn about a land or culture. You need to live it, breathe it and no the currancy.

Get a book, read it, brush up on the accent, and your good to go.

But don't go mixing slang...cause that will not roll..

You can not for example tell someone your from say Britain, and then not speak the proper slang.

You should try and throw in things about tea and biscuits, call your friends your "mates" and call your house or apartment your flat. And make some comment about teeth.

Always remember too, when your taking about a vacation or having time off from work, its called goin on holiday.

If u slip and say your going on a vacation, you might just as well pack up and go to another bar, because your just freakin blew it dumb ass.

You need to be can not go blowing it for all us people who work hard at trying to be all cultured and shit

I recommend everyone doing this at least once, but I highly suggestion you don't do it in your hometown. Venture out of bounds a bit, where you don't know anyone.

See if you can be in character all night long..It takes a lot of know how, and dedication. And if your drinking, it poses a greater risk. But for some, including me, its easier, because I get more loose and free with my words and my accent just gets better with every sip.

I have not done this for several years, well frankly because I don't know anyone who is capable of pulling off such a stunt here. It takes a special kinda person to be able to not foil up the whole event.

This is the type of thing you can not just let anyone do with you. They need to be trained. They need to go thru a rigorous training system. It could take years before they are fully able to execute a proper faking.

Some of you might want to start out small, and just start with Canada before you try and do bigger things. Start out small and easy, then work your way up to a tougher accent..kinda like learning a new skill, you start out slow, u can not expect to perfect anything over night.

I do miss those days...

I think I am going to start referring to all my pals as blokes.

I rather like that term, and not enough people use it..

We all need to start using it. Right now, turn to the closest person to you and say this..

how was your weekend? My blokes and I went out this weekend and we got full as a boot and ended up tippin over a dunny.

You may get fired if the person next to you is like your boss, but live and learn.

I think we could all use a good geography lesson.

Try it..its good fun, I'm tellin ya.

Good'day blokes.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

4 those about 2 rock, we salute u

Thanksgiving is fastly approaching. As a kid I always loved Thanksgiving. We would go to my grandma and grandpa's or an aunts house for the meal and just ate till I puked. When I was a kid I never realized the preparation of putting together such a meal. And frankly I didn't give a crap, because that was the adults job...

After I got married we still would go to those same places...we never made Thanksgiving, mainly because I don't like a lot of people in my space and I hate doing dishes, those are the two main reasons.

I still do not like those things, but I now know sometimes you have to do shit you don't want to. Its called being a grown up. Even though I am 33 years old, I tend to forget I am the grown up.

I always liked going to other peoples homes and eat them outta house and home, and then let them clean the mess.

This is what people do to me now.

This Thanksgiving I invited my dad, my MIL and a couple other heathens in the great lake state..

Only taker I had was the mother in law.

I plan big meals for this day, the kinda meal that keeps u full till Christmas. And I am a good cook to. The hubs he is in charge of the turkey and I handle everything else.

That includes pies made from scratch..cause I am just that fuckin awesome.

So far there have been no mishaps, nothing has ever been under cooked, or over cooked. Yet.

We did have a mishap but I don't recall if it was turkey day or Christ day, but the table was set on fire..

don't ask.

This year I am having a full house. 12 people will be eating here. That means 12 people I need to clean up after, 12 people I will dislike for a couple months after the festivities, 12 people who will be using my bathrooms, and making themselves cozy on my sofa's.

Now seeing how I am not a people person, this could cause some friction.

Then to top it all off the father in law kind of invited himself here for Christmas. And this makes me all constipated. And no one likes to be under that much angst.

I am thinking though I might make a Charlie Brown Thanksgiving this year..

ya no, have toast , popcorn and pretzels.

My dog would be in charge of the toast, The Boy will be in charge of popping the corn and Blondie will be in charge of putting the pretzels in a bowl and putting paper plates on the table.

My job will be to supervise this event from the coach.

I can see alot from here and I do think it will go smoothly.

There will be no football being watched, instead we will gather round the campfire and play Risk, for 2 days.

because holy shit, that game can last for days and days..

Then Saturday we will go out and get the crappiest looking tree we can muster. We will look in other peoples yards for pine trees, because we are too cheap to buy one.

We will go out when the sun goes down, with a handsaw and just start hacking the crap outta someones tree.

We will more then likely steal one with rabid animals living in it, as well as infested with termites. Oh and one bat.

I will then use the left over popcorn from dinner and string it around the tree..and hang the left over pretzels as ornaments.

I will then get an array of solar lawn lamps that i will steal of course and tie them to the tree for our lights..

I'm just trying to cut corners, thats all.

its called being fiscally responsible and Suzie Orman would approve.

Look, here is my dog, she is ready to rock.

She likes her pretty dress.....My mom bought it for her at the Walfart...
Walfart can provide the stupidest things...
And we all know the top notch humans work at them..
So this holiday season, cut corners where u can...God understands.

Monday, November 10, 2008

dont need nothin' but a good time

Picture this. I am in a class filled with third graders. I have a third grader, so this is not odd, really its not..

This place where we are will come in effect here in a moment. Because what happen in this room not only will haunt me till I die, but is going to live down in history, kinda like Rudolph and what nots.

So here I am, in this room with about 15 third graders, as well as at least one parent per each child.

So this is a lot of people..

I normally set my phone on vibrate whilst in a group of people, because that's just how I roll...Even when I was in a room with Bill Clinton with 5,000 other people, I still had it set to vibrate..

plus i liked feeling the vibration whilst being within good groping distance from him..

I'm just saying.

So, I am in a room with third graders and their parents..and I am there with my third grader.

Them BAM, it happened.

My phone went off.


Now I have a different song for each person who calls me..

Now why could it of not been my mom calling, because her song is "faith" by George Micheal, because she hates him...I tend to do things like that.

that is a nice song, a soft song...

Or hell, even my default song woulda been better then what transpired.

"fat bottom girls" by Queen...a good wholesome song..

well, kinda...

But instead of those, this is what BLARED in a room with third graders and parents..

" I'm a bitch, i"m a bitch, oh the bitch is back, stone cold sober as a matter a fact, I can bitch, I can bitch cause I'm better then you, its the way that I move, and the things that I do..ohh-ohh-ohh"

Yes, Elton John The Bitch is Back..

Then, my phone is buried somewhere in my purse and I can not find it, so it plays over and over and over and over and over and over..

u get the idea...

So this played while I am in a room with third graders...

Want to know what third graders get..

there first Bible..

so this was at the class where the third graders learn about their new Bibles.

And I soiled the experience with The Bitch is Back..

The pastor says..

wow, i love Elton john too...

Thats me, just keepin it real in the House of the Lord.

Friday, November 07, 2008

Its raining men

I never claim to be good at any one thing. I am however, say, mediocre at lots of things, but not good at any one thing. And I admit that. Just like I am admit I am lazy. It takes someone with a lot of balls to admit they are lazy.

Can I do things other people can not?

as Sarah Palen would say...

u bethca!

and add an elegant, yet redneck wink at the end...

Can I do things millions of other yahoo's can do...


This past week has been nothing short of a miracle. Not only did I build a boat so that the hubs and I can swim safely to the middle to do naughty things, I also had our tin can telephone line installed.

My oldest daughter, ya no Blondie?...Look here is her school picture, I forgot to show u.

Well she is involved in many activities. She goes to this club called Pioneer Girls. Its thru a local church and they meet every Wednesday..Then on Thursday she has another group she goes to called Girl Power. She leaves for that at 5:30 and doesn't get home till close to 9.

They feed all the kids dinner, its at someones house..She will come home and tell me they had steaks, and like last night, they had roast with all the fixins.

This too is another churchy kinda group..She likes that kinda shit, God love her and bless her cotton socks.

I am thinking of going to Girl Power with her, because hell, they get better meals then I cook.

So the other night The Boy was getting on her about all her girl clubs she is in. She then tells him that there is a boy version of Girl Power called God's Soldiers.

he then made some smart ass remark like all pre-teens and middle school aged hoodlums do. And you know what my daughters come back was..

Instead of kidney punching him, she told him..

with that attitude, I would say you really need it mister..

and then she asked what was so funny about being one of God's Soldiers..because God isn't funny.

Oh, you just gotta love the crap that comes outta tots mouths..doncha?


We all know I know how to cut hair..And you have all seen the mess I have done when I have tried grooming my dog.

Last time I think I made her bleed and she hid in the closet for weeks.

Not only that, but she resembled some sort of third world country dog who was in line to be taken to the slaughter house to be the next nights kibble at the local eatery.

She looked like she had a case of the mange...

sad really.

But this time, this time I think I perfected my dog grooming techniques..I am really actually very impressed with how my masterpiece turned out.

But the finishing touch, thats is what makes the cut..

Here, let me show u.

See her custom made mom bought it at it was custom made in Pakistan I'm sure...

My dog right now wont even look at me, or come near me.

She is fearful of me when I have scissors in my hand.

As anyone with common sense should be.

Just look at the fear in her eyes as I walk by her...if she could reach the steak knives, I'm sure my days would be numbered.
Any dog groomer could take a look at that and see its pure perfection. I even used my hair dryer to dry her off..
Just a personal touch dogs get outta me.
It snowed today...
So I'm in my heated bunker with a bottle of vodka and and O magazine.
See ya in the summer bitches...

Sunday, November 02, 2008

50 ways to leave your lover

So, I am still on a downward spiral from not being groped by Bill Clinton last Thursday. He did however make eye contact with me once, or twice..I even made the hubs stand way in the back of me as to not make me look taken. Not that it would matter when it comes to the groping or fondling of the former leader.

But I must admit, I have been having impure thoughts about him ever since I met him.

I mean VERY impure..the kinda thoughts that would send you to the chamber.


Last week the hubs and I got a new bed. We had our previous one since 2002. It served its purpose, we manged to make one baby with it.

Thats all you need a good mattress for.

This was a full queen, or something, bigger then a regular queen, and well, after three kids puking and or peeing on it, I thought it might be time to get a new one.

Actually, I gave it to my mother....

and I chuckle every time she lays on it.

We got a King sized bed. I have never had a King sized bed.

And now I know why.

We go to bed, I go to my side, he goes to his...and well, there is a land mass the size of Lake Superior in the middle.

And I like it.

Its kinda like sleeping alone.

I can lay on my side, be spread eagle...and not even come close to touching him.

The other night he was talking to me, and i did not even know it, until he started screaming.

We need one of those tin cans on a rope thing so we can have easier communication.

hey honey, wanna get naked?


get your tin can out...HONEY, get your tin can out...


I cant hear you...

TIN CAN...get it out..

oh hell..

then one of us just takes our pajama's off and takes a boat across the lake to mate with the other one.

Good times, good times..


Moving right along..

what the hell is the deal with Halloween? Why do people dress up their yards and homes for the holiday, yet don't hand out candy?

Ya know what I wanna do to those people?

Kill em.

I took my girl tots out for the special event where we go pan handling door to door for shit that will give them cavities and make them hyper.

And more then half of the homes were not even handin it out...

My girls had their tiny dreams crushed...we walked aimlessly for two hours.

They did manage to score some good loot at the places that were in the giving mood.

Look, here my tots are.

Look, these are the pumpkins I carved..cause I am crafty and shit.

Since I know some of you slower ones wont know what they are, but its not because I am a bad carver..GOT it?
The top one is a skeleton, middle is a ghost in a window, the bottom one is a bat..
yes its a bat...
damn it.