Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Ohh poop

Im here...of course...

Im bored sick out of my ever loving mind...

I have been staying with my grandma mostly, and holy mother of God and all other things that are holy.....she keeps her tv volume at 50...and will creep the fucker up to 90 to hear shit..

I told her she needs to learn to read lips.

I can not take noise...I just cant..

Monday was my grandpas birthday...so I went searching high and low to find something to put on his grave...and I couldnt find shit...

so this has bothered be...

this town sucks ass.

Then I stay the night at my dads over last weekend and I have my nice mini van parked in his driveway...I am parked in a spot he normally backs into to turn around and pull out...

well...he got me a good one...right in the back end...

But what can ya do?

The Boy and Blondie are both with my brother in law and sister in law....I have tried calling them...but cant seem to get a hold of them to talk to them...

Oh...my phone wont work for shit here....

It works in my grandmas driveway...at the park...on a certain bench...

it works in one spot in walmart parking lot..um...

it works on bridehampton street...

fucking can u hear me now....damnitalltohell..

I am leaving wednesday to go stay with my other brother in law and sister in law...which is not far from where the kids are..down in the heart of Detroit ...

I will be back to homeland functions on Friday...

um what else....

oh Boo is on my tail 24/7....

Im about ready to leave her on a dirt road...

what else..........

I got nuttin I guess....

I am bored...someone come here to visit me.

Good day

happy mother truckin vacation

Monday, June 09, 2008


Last night guess what?...Go ahead...

I seen the bastard on the ceiling. I have not yet to see him on the ceiling till now.

I kinda freaked...and then just kinda starred at it...then the bastard kinda just disappeared.

Faded into the air kinda like some cheap magic trick.

I am calling the orkin man and asking for 50 gallons of his toughest bastard killin spray...cause I have had it.

or I'm just crazy...

what do u think?

Hubs leaves next week for Mexico and wont be back till July...


I'm leaving Sunday for the homeland. I will be staying at said state until around July 6th.

Any questions?

Good day...

and where sunscreen on all your special areas.

Oh and get on the donations...damn it people don't u care?


C-ya in July I guess...

Sunday, June 08, 2008

Mr Roboto

i have made a sad but funny edit at bottom

The hubs came home from Mexico, and flipped the mattress, took the curtains down and moved everything around...

Guess what he found?

Not a Goll Damn thing..

I know your wondering...have I seen it since?

Well the answer is no because I absolutely refuse to turn that way or even glimpse with one eye open over in that direction.

I have decided, I am willing to share my room with him, as long as he stays on the wall or in my mind, where ever he may be...and leave me the hell alone.

So I still have not got to the bottom of this one bit..

Am I crazy?..possibly

Is there a spider the size of lake Michigan in my room?...doubtful..

Anyway...moving along..

Do any of you ever watch HGTV? I use to think it was full of all sorts of helpful and useful ideas and tips.

Now I think its a channel that is meant for stupid people. I am a stupid people. Because I cant stop watching.

My favorite show on there is House Hunters. For you smart people who don't watch this channel, its a show where people with way too much money go looking for a house and they show them three options, and at the end u guess what house they picked.

Now most of the time they pick the worst of the options and I don't get it.

You will see a single woman, looking for a vacation home in Mexico and when the real estate woman shows her the bedroom or the bathroom she will complain about how small the rooms are.

Why do u need big rooms if its just you?

Why do people think bigger is better?

Because its not...

Or you will see a family looking for a home with small kids, and instead of picking the house with the nice fenced in yard and nice sized bedrooms, they pick the over priced house sitting on a highway with no yard for the tots to play in.

I wanna bitch slap some of these people.

But months of watching this has made hubs want to leave here.

So this summer while I am sitting here with the tots, I will be single handledy working on my house here so we can put it for sale this fall.

There is not a lot that needs to be done, but I am going to repaint nearly everything, re dry the living room, add solid oak floors to the living room, to match the dining rooms original flooring, I am going to put in ceramic tile flooring in kitchen, granite counter tops and then add crown molding throughout the house.

So pretty soon i will be showing you before and after pics..

cause that's how I roll.

We decided to go south, when we get the house done, he is putting his resume on line and is going to talk with ever head hunter who calls him, because he gets a lot calling for him anyway.

We decided on South Carolina, Georgia, or Florida.

I don't want to go anymore north or west..cause I'm selfish and wont do it.

I'm hoping by this time next year I am happily transplanted to where God meant for me to be. Sipping a pine colada in Margaritaville under a palm tree.

Living in this city for the last 4 years has made me realize there are mostly scummy icks that live in this town...and I am starting to get a greasy film on my skin and rooftop.

I am so much better then this city could ever offer, I'm too classy to live here.

And I see it fully now...

Anyway, some of you have been asking for some recent pics...so here are some from the last couple weekends including this one.

Thats me, and a pal of mine who also loves the karaoke..

of course, there is me, karaoke gal and my bff.....pale girl..

me and pale girl...


this is from Friday night.

Anyway, I better go cause I have a film building on me now from this city..

i am starting a get flip flop momma to florida faster fund...

hubs says we can not put house 4 sale until all improvements are done. which he thinks to last aout nine months. Since I am paying 4 school on my own, my home improvement fund is very limited.

so if u care to donate...please do so..

go to www.paypal.com

click send money...enter my email raspberry_beret3@yahoo.com

u may need to make an account if u dont have one..

donate one dollar or 1 million dollars...those granite counter tops aint gonna buy themselves.

once i get to my tropical oasis, your all invited for a karaoke party.

now 4get about the starving kids in africa...this bitch needs to get outta this hell.

im adding my paypal link to the side bar..

im gonna remind u all to donate daily..

kinda like tkaing your vitamin or taking out the trash.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Part two

If u have not read the post before this, you might wanna or this wont make much sense.

So the night I saw the bastard I texted the hubs and told him about the intruder. Of course the asshat was sleeping like a baby and didn't even get my cry 4 help until morning.

He emails me all day inquiring about this bastard.

He reassures me we will move the bed out, flip the mattress , clean the vents and just look everywhere and clean in every nook n cranny till we find it.

This is me..

holy fuck, u believe me...u THINK there is a bastard too???? NO NO...your suppose to tell me its all in my head...your not suppose to ENABLE me for Christ sake...NO..damnit.

He then went on to say he did think it was odd I was the only one who sees it and that it magically disappears when the lights come on.

I said he is a tricky sonofabitch.

He asked if I saw him jump or climb anywhere when the light comes on..

NO...he is just gone...

Kinda like God disappears quickly in the movie Evan Almighty..(i love that movie)

oh, so the bastard is like Morgan freeman?

yes yes he is..

He then goes on to say that if the bastard is as big as I say..and he is, and then some...that he must have to consume mass quantities of something. And that there is no way he could find enough to live off from in our bedroom.

To which I tell him maybe he doesn't live in there, maybe he comes from the Attic.

In our Attic, which is on the same level as our room, we have bats living in there...Yes bats...Some of u know this because I normally post pics of the shits when they fly in my house..as proof...cause some of u didn't believe me.

that'll teach u..

And I swear if I find this bastard I'm taking a pic to show u..that will show u all damnit.

Anyway, the hubs is teetering again tome being crazy. And I much like that better then him agreeing with me.

While he is gone I want to call an exterminator...But what do I say..

um hello Orkin man?..yes hello, I have this spider roughly the size of Canada that lives in my bedroom. He only comes out at night, and vanishes when I rub my eyes or turn the light on..the bastard has put me on the verge of a serious mio-cardio infarction. Please come quick with your bastard killin spray.

So when the hubs comes home tommorow night, we are going to look for this bastard and I'm gonna teach him a lesson.

I pray he has no family. What if he is just one of many. What if I'm seeing a different one nightly.


To be continued......

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Too much time on my hands

I think I have mentioned to you before about the mammoth sized spider I see on my wall or window in my bedroom at night.

The first time I saw it , it was in the middle of the night and I saw it on my curtain and I woke dear ole hubs up to take care of that shit...He turned the light on, and boom he was gone...vanished outta thin air.

Not a trace anywhere.

The second time I saw it on my wall and I sat up, rubbed my eyes and the sonofabitch was gone lickity split.

We both decided it was a figment of my craziness.

I mean the shear size of the thing is proof enough that I'm insane.

The first time I saw him he was the size of a baseball. By the second time I saw him he had grown mammoth proportions and compared to the size of say a human head.

I have been so convinced I see this thing, I have the hubs creeped out. I told him I hate to see the size of the web he has. And its probably under our bed.

So he moved the bed out one day and we looked for a web the size of Rhode Island.

We found nothing.

It has been a week or so since he has made an appearance...until last night.

Now mind you, I'm alone now....Hubs is south of the boarder and wont be back till Friday.

I was laying in bed watching the telly, and I kept looking over there hoping NOT to see it.

A while later I fell asleep and woke up suddenly like I normally do. By the light of the telly I saw the God forsaken bastard on my curtain. I grabbed my blanket and ran to my french doors that lead to my room.

I stood there sweating. I knew this was it, the damn thing was gonna get me now.

I turned the light on, and he was nowhere to be found.

I have a bathroom in my bedroom, so I turned that light on and left the door wide open as for some reason the light makes him go away.

I thought about going downstairs and sleeping on the couch, but my alarm was in there and I was not going to be reaching my hand behind the bed to unplug it, and plus I don't even know how to program it.

So I knew I HAD to stay put, in the room with the spider the size of a small infant.

I grabbed my blanket and slowly walked to my bed, looking at the carpet making sure he wasnt crawling around my feet.

I quickly lay my head and grab the other blanket. I then lay there with the tv on, the bathroom light on and three blankets wrapped around my body as if it were some sort of arachnid shield.

I could barley breath and I was sweating like mad.

At one point my foot popped out and I felt something on my foot. I quickly kicked and moved. Then my dog let out a cry...Because I just crappin kicked the shit outta her not knowing it was her tail rubbing my foot.

Now I am about 98% sure this spider is a figment of my imagination, because he disappears when I wake up fully or rub my eyes.

What I want to know though, is why am I hallucinating about a spider the size of Ohio?

Why cant it be unicorns, fuzzy bunnies or naked men with six pack abs and a good portion of meat and potatoes?

Why oh why is it this?

So far I am the only mortal to see him.

Tonight though, this bitch is camping out on the couch. Today is the last day of school, so I don't need that damn alarm clock.

Today while its light in there, I'm going to discreetly get my shit and haul ass down here.

I hope he doesn't catch wind that I'm moving.

If I see him down here tonight, I will be checking myself into the farthest psychiatric ward I can find.

Its been nice knowing u all..

Monday, June 02, 2008

I wouldnt give your troubles to a monkey on a log

Well, its been a very productive day....

Can I take you on a trip down memory lane?..No...Why? Screw u, we are going anyway..damn people..

Remember this from 06?

See how ghastly that is? See how my whole calf is swollen?

When I did that my doctor told me I would probably have issues again as the damage was so severe that it left my ankle permentaly damaged.

What the hell does she know?

Well take a look at this episode from last summer..

Yup, I did it again, tore that bitch right apart again...

This time she told me if this happen again she was wheeling me into the OR to perform some sort of radical foot transplant or some shit..

at least that's what I got out of it...

Well homey don't play that..

Look, it seems I have a fresh one for the 08 photo album..

My whole calf is swollen along with my poor ankle..

Nope, I ain't going to the Doctor, even though I know a bottle of vicoden would so do me good...

I'm not doing it..

I'm not risking the chance of her telling me she is going to butcher my foot..

No way I can go all summer with no swimming, biking, running, walking...no way...it isn't gonna fly.

So we are just going to pretend this never happened..


And if she gets wind of this, im kicking your ass you big mouth.

Sunday, June 01, 2008

Something to believe in

Thursday after school my Blondie brought home a note stating she was invited to a sleepover at a friends house.

We will call this friend "Shirley" only because it makes me giggle.

Anyway, I don't know this kid but I have seen her parents at the regular 2nd grade shenanigans like picnics and school trips..

I didn't even know my kid was friends with her.

But because I am a good momma I let my baby go...

So I wrote her a note to ride the bus home with Shirley.

As soon as my baby left 4 school I began thinking...I don't know these parents.

Do they have a rap sheet?

Do they run a meth lab?

Do they sacrifice goats?

Are they Holy Rollers?

I didn't know any of these things....and it was troubling me.

Were the gonna kidnap her, and use her to hang clothes on their freedom lines?

I didn't even know where these people lived.

I was having these images of Nancy Grace talking about this on her show...

what mother, lets her 8 year old daughter just go off with people she does not know?

just say that in a Georgia accent.

So as the night went on, I was waiting for her to call me, begging to come home.


Around 1pm on Saturday my girl comes prancing in the house like nothing went on.

I ask her if she had a good time. She did.

Good. Good...she had a good time..

Then as my baby starts talking about her time over there...I begin to shutter.

First up, she lets me know the people have a farm. Farms are good. Who the hell doesn't like a farm?

Its not your average farm. Its a goat farm.

I bet u know where im going with this........

Yes, they eat the goats...So therefore...


She then informs me there was a trough filled with goat gut and bones..

Then in the barn where the goat feed is kept, there are rats. And they shoot the rats for sport, so she said there were a lot of dead rats with bullets in the heads laying about.

Then she let me know that they was a bear in the barn two nights before they were shooting at.

She also saw a dead goat hanging...that they skinned.....

This is the girl who wants to be a vet and cries when she sees commercials for the Humane Society.

Also she lets me know they slept in a tent. Outside. With goat parts and bears.

I asked her what they ate, because I was freakin they mighta fed her goat meat.

She says they had pizza and rootbeer floats. Then for breakfast pancakes and bacon.

Can u make bacon outta goat meat? Shit I have no bloody idea.

Then she lets me know they spent time walking on the railroad tracks.

We have a very active railway system here, I mean they barrel thru about 5 or 6 times a a day.

I guess the important thing is she had a good time huh?

I totally need these kids taken away from me..


Because frankly, I cant be trusted...