Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Downer Debbie..re post from march 2007

this is a repost, I wrote this a few months back....My grandpa died today. I was there holding his hand. When I saw him Monday, I told him I would see him tommorw, he seemed fine, I mean he seemed a bit tired and was breathing hard and coughing, but he seemed ok..He saw the kids, got tears in his eyes..

I am heartbroken right now as my grandpa meant the world to me. A week ago today my dad and new mommy took him to a Tiger baseball game, that would be his last. He loved the Tigers and spent most evenings in the summer listeing to the games on the radio or watching it on tv.

And a week later, he is gone...that fast..

I wont be around for a while, his funeral is Friday and I am going to be very busy..

Please say a prayer for my grandma and the rest of my family...and poor Butch is taking it very hard...after I told him he burst into tears and wanted to go to thier house so he could sit in grandpas chair..

Thanks for all your comments and good thoughts, I need all the cheering I can get..

Some of the comments on here are from my orginal post...

Thanks for everything and this flipping beeach will see u floppers on the flip side.

Unlike my normal funny self, I am off center. I don't feel funny. I feel lost, I feel out of sorts, I feel confused.

I worry, I try to block shit out of my head.

My grandpa starts his radiation Monday. I have heard from a few people back home whom have seen him around town, that he isn't looking to good. he looks a bit pale, and he doesn't seem as chipper as he always is. This concerns me.

My grandpa, pictured here with my grandma and the bees

His name is David. he will be 88 in June. He likes to fish and loves to take trips to the casino.

My grandpa on my 12 th birthday got me a bracelet. A gold bracelet with my name engraved on it, and an emerald heart charm dangling down, on the back it said "love grandpa"

I loved that thing, I wore it all the time. Then one day I set it by the bathroom sink, and I am not sure what happened to it after that. I have been crushed ever since.

When I was little, I would sit on my grandpa's lap and ask him over and over again if I could see his scare. Ya see, some 30 years prior he had his appendix out, and I saw his scare once when he had his shirt off, and i always begged to see the scare across his tummy, and every time, he showed me.

When I was in school I would draw him pictures. Always pictures of a man or child fishing. he framed all of them and still has one on their bedroom wall.

He let me drive his brand new car when I got my drivers license. He never let anyone drive his new cars.

When I was in track every time my event was on, he walked down to the track field from the stadium and stood their while I did it. Long jump, shot put, 100 meter dash..he was always standing right there.

All piano recitals, singing shows, whatever. him and grandma were always there.

When I got married, he was all teary eyed. When I had The Boy, he was so proud. Him and the boy bonded instantly. He would walk his sorry ass to the park, take his sorry ass for wagon rides, lay on the floor with him while he napped and just starred at him, went to every t-ball game he had at the city park, even if its cold or down pouring. Any special event, he was there. Grandparents day events, even though he was the great grandpa, he was there.

Same with Blondie. Although we moved when she was 4, and she is now 7, he went to whatever she had going on.

I know if he lived here, he would not of missed any of her wrestling matches or basketball games..

Poor Boo, we moved when she was 14 months, so he has missed a lot of her milestones, but a bonus for him, she is retarded so he still hasn't missed much and she is nearly 4.

When ever I go home for a visit he asks me " wanna go donate money to the Indians"

which means he wants to go gambling. He loves going to the casino. A few times a year he heads over with a group of other old people and they have a day of giving money to the Indians.

When I was home last summer,before I left he gave me an envelope. he told me it was money to get over the bridge. I told him I don't need any money, and with a tear in his eye, he put the envelope back in my hand. I hugged him, told him I loved him and we left for home.

When we got on the road, my mom opened it, he had put 100 bucks in there for us. Even though he knew I did not need it, he still worried and gave me the money.

I am torn. I want to go home and see him. I know he is fine right now. I know he is ok. But I worry if I don't go, something might happen and I will not have been able to see him. If I do go, I am worried about what he will be like. Once he starts his treatments, I know he will be a tad weak and not feeling well. I don't want to see him that way. But I don't NOT want to go see him just because I am worried about what he looks like.

I have the will, I have the means. why don't I go? I love this guy. My kids love this guy, I guess I have an envision of him living forever. I have an envision of this older gentleman with graying hair showing me his scare he got 40 years prior to my birth.

The same man who let me look at his war books. He was in WW2 and had some sort of books with pictures from the war. One of the books had pictures of men in the showers. This was the first time I saw a naked mans goods. I would sit and stare at it for minutes. I don't think he realized that was in there. One day my grandma said " what r u letting her look at that book for?"

he said " she was reading up on the war?" Then grandma told him " there are naked men in the showers in that book, right on this page."

He then took the book and told me if I had any question about the war, he was the go to guy from now on.

Anyway, my whole point is, I am at a stand still. I don't know what I should do. I am about 100 percent confident he will live a few more years, but just the thought of him ever leaving us, is a total ass kicking for me.

I have not told the bees there is even anything wrong with him. I cant tell them anything. I can barely handle the fact that something may be wrong with him.

When I was little I always wanted to go fishing with him. My grandma would tell I could not go because when they are out in the middle of Lake Huron, how did I think they went potty. The peed off the side of the boat and that would be indecent exposure. And a little girl did not need to be around a bunch of old men who will be piddling off the side of a boat.

I am just trying to muddle thru it all. I know he is fine right now, but one of these days, he wont be. I only wish right now I lived closer. I wished when i did live there I would of spent more time there.

When I was a kid my sister and I would fight over who got to stay the night. On Saturday nights grandma would make some air popped popcorn, and make a special bowl with no salt or butter for, and we would sit in the living room and watch Hee-Haw. God I hated Hee-HAW, But I loved watching it with them.

I loved doing anything with them


Wendy said...

I hope everything turns out okay with your grandpa. This post was a little to close to home for me. I just lost my grandpa last March and he was to me what yours is to you. When my parents got divorced he did all the things with me that my dad would have done if he lived with us. He was my best friend growing up. I am very sad for my little boy that he will never get to know him.
If you feel like you need to go see him then go. It will probably make you feel better.
Hang in there.

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

sorry about your grandpa. My parents were divorced too, but we all still lived in the same town, and my parnets still remained friends..weird.

its nice knowing someone else out there feels the same way bout their grandpa..

grandpas are pretty damn awseome.

Jamie Dawn said...

My heart is sad for you. I know the pain of losing both my grandparents whom I was very close to. I lost both of them to cancer only a few years apart from each other.
The good news about your post is that your wonderful grandpa is still alive and not at death's door. This gives you an opportunity to make sure you make time to see him and take the great grandkids to see him too. Have them draw him some pictures and mail them to him. Do whatever you can think of to let him know you love him and care about him. When the time comes that he does die, you don't want to have regrets.
It doesn't matter if he starts going downhill and starts looking sickly, he will need you to show him that you love him. Write him letters, call him on the phone, and also plan trips to visit him. You will be SO glad you did. It sounds to me like he deserves it.
If you finish that blanket that Mr. Shaky thinks has ugly colors, you could give it to your grandpa to keep him warm. HE won't think the colors are ugly, or even if he does, he probably won't tell you that. :)

Katie said...

Sounds like you have a pretty awesome grandpa. I would go see him now, that way you will see him as you remeber him from your childhood (or as close as you can get) before the treatments start.

Choppzs said...

I say do it!!! What have you got to lose if you go?? You have allot to lose if you don't go though!!! For your sanity, and for your heart, I say do it!! You may end up regretting it if you don't!!

1 plus twins said...

what great memories you shared with us. your grandpa is in my thoughts and prayers and i hope all works out. i personally am like you and i would go if i could!! i am sure you would feel much better if you went. again i will have you and your grandpa in my prayers.

Miss 1999 said...

Just reading that made me cry-- I didn't have my papaw long at all-- and I'd give anything to have him back.

You have so many precious memories with him, and that's definitely something to always remember and be thankful for :0)

You do what you need to do. If you need to go, then go. If you don't, then stay. He KNOWS you love him. You know you love him. Call him. See how he's doing, check in on him, and if you need to go, then go.

No matter what, take care of you-- ya'll are in my thoughts and prayers *hugs*

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

thank you guys for all your kind words...I am still ponderng it over as to what I want to do..

I know he is still alive and kicking but I dont know when the day will come where he wont..it sucks.

Thanks again, u guys are awesome.

Vani said...

i'm sorry Bossy- i hope you get to see him sooner or later. what a great grandpa, i'm sure he'll be ok. let him know you and the kids are thinking and praying for him..that'll give him some strength to pull through.

The Greens said...

I also watched hee haw at my Nanny and G'daddys every weekend. And don't forget Lawrence Welk. We never missed that!
Hope your grandpa gets better soon.

Kendra Lynn said...

Hey girl:
You know, my dad has had three types of cancer. He's had radiation twice. The first time it was the worst, but I didn't like any of it.
But you know what?
It helped to go to his house and just sit with him.
I kept thinking, "What if he dies? Did I spend enough time with him? did I hug him enough?".
I made sure my kids saw him almost every day, I wanted them to remember their Grampy.
I think it would help you if you came here and saw your grandpa. Then you could stop worrying about it for awhile.
If he's that special to you, go see him.
I'd drive to TN in a heartbeat to see my Papa if he were sick.
There's noone like a good grandfather.
I will be praying for him....and you.


Bossy♥'s YOU said...

thanks...well if I went, I would have to go alone, as the kids are in school..This summer we aredriving there for a few weeks to visit, I am hoping he will be well by then...all cured:)

The Greens,
haha. Lawernce Welk..my hubby still watches that on PBS every Saturday..thank you for your well wishes:)

well, I am driving there in July with all the kids. I may fly over for his birthday in two months, but I am just not sure if its practial for me to go there right now. I mean he is fine, I just worry. If I thought he was really sick I sure as shit would be there right now..just like I know u would be. I am gonna ponder it for a few more days and see what I come up with..I may just take a long weekend to go and see them...any exucse to travel is what I say:)

Thanks u for your prayers too..

just_tammy said...

Reading this made me long for what you have. Sadly my mom's dad died when she was little and my dad's father was so far away and about as odd as my dad. My kids' don't have that relationship either (you know some of those stories), so my hubby says we have to be the best grandparents ever to make up for all these other relationships.

Anyway, I what I was thinking was if you decide to go now, you could take him to donate to the Indians which is something you both love doing. It could be just the two of you. Then you could take him again this summer. Just a thought. I know you are capable of making up your own mind - what's let of it!

You two are in my thoughts and prayers.

That Chick Over There said...

Cancer DOES totally blow. I'm dealing with this with my dad right now and it just sucks.

This post also made me miss my grandpa's so much. My last surviving grandpa died in 2001 and it's been really hard without them.


I hope it gets better for you.

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

well I know your gonna make one kick ass granny..I mean u can b ake, u can sew...your gonna be just like my granny..hehe

and any excuse to go donate to the indains is a good excuse for me:)

Girl over there,
sorry about your sitation too...cancer blows big time..

thanks for stopping by, I hope to see u again too...

~Deb said...

Wow, what great memories. Treasure them. It sounds as though regardless of any situations that goes on, your family sticks together. That's rare in a lot of cases. You're fortunate. I hope you're grandfather is doing okay and will remain in the best of health.

Hang in there sweetie!

Kelly said...

I think you should make a visit before he starts treatment too. Sounds like he would be very glad to have you come over and having him in good spirits is a must right now! I lost my FIL to cancer a year and a half ago. He was such an awesome guy...and a wonderful grandpa to Syd (even though she's not Tim's), that meant ALOT! We miss him dearly! He died three weeks before our wedding, that is why we cancelled the church ceremony and were married at the courthouse. Treasure every minute of your family. You don't want to regret not making the trip.

PS...I think you are doing the right thing on not telling the kids yet. Children can act funny when they know someone is ill. In my opinion, I'd let them enjoy Great Grandpa as they have always known him. You'll know when it is time to fill them in.

Packof2 said...

I think that you should go see him. I think you would feel better.

He sounds like a great guy.

Hang in there!!!


patti_cake said...

Go see him Bossy. I would give anything - ANYTHING if I could see my grandpa again. Just one more time.
I am wish him the best!

patti_cake said...

meant to say i'm thinking of you and wishing him the best. See! You got me all upset and i'm typing like a retard! *smile*

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

thanks guys...

I am gonna go over his birthday and see him...then in July I am packing up these retards for a family trip to the homeland for few weeks..

just wish I didnt need to worry about him...but i do...

Arlene said...

Oh, I'm so sorry for what you're going through! I hope everything turns out ok...go visit him though. It'll make you feel better to see him and laugh with him.

Choppzs said...

I can beat your Spartacus dream....lol...go check it out!!

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

thank you...I am gonna go see him on his birthday...then spend a few weeks there this summer with the kids...should be nice time;)

shit, i will be there in a minute..haha

The Kept Woman said...

No one can answer that for you but you and surely one way or another you'll always second guess what you decide. All I'll say is that I'm thinking of both of you.

I love that you have so many great memories of him and the thing about the 'donating money to the indians' cracked my shit right up.

Chels-Puddle Jumper said...

You're so lucky to have such wonderful grandparents and such wonderful memories with them. Don't ever forget those memories.

I'm not telling you what to do as far as visiting him, but he would probably take comfort in having you physically near him for a little while. But I also think it sounds like you two have such a strong bond that even the miles between you can't make the love you have for each other any less. I'm sure he feels you near him all the time anyway.
I will pray for him, and for your family.

aatank said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your grandpa. I have been thinking about it lately, but didn't want to ask. Your post made me cry today because it brought back memories of my grandpa. He's been gone 17 years, gosh I can't believe it has been that long. You need to treasure every moment you can have with him and then write a book about how great he was, so your kids in 50 years can remember what a great man he was. Don't forget to add the part about him letting you look at naked men in the shower.

When your home we need to get together for a drink or two.

You and your family will be in our thoughts.

Bossy♥'s YOU said...


it always crakcs my shit up to wanting to donate to the Indians:)

and we love doing it to!

Puddle Jumper,
I am gonna be going in the next month or so...unless he gets pretty bad, then I will go sooner.

thanks for your thoughts..

I dont think O have enough matrial to write a book, but I could just start making shit up..hehe

we will defintaly get toghter when I come there..I know for sure I am coming for like two or three weeks in July...I am coming around grandpas birthday, but thats in June and it will only be a very short visit..

so keep your calander open for July..got it.

Meow said...

Oh, Bossy, I am so sorry you are going through this stuff, and feeling so conflicted about what to do. Go with your heart, in times like this, I think it's the best way.
I wish my grandpa was still alive ... I lost him around 19 years ago, but we had a relationship just like yours with yours. Oh, how I miss it. Make the most of your grandpa, Bossy. Grandparents are such amazing people.
My thoughts are with you and your family.
Take care, Meow

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

thank u meow:)

Peggy said...

Hugs my friend. Sorry you have lost your grandpa but treasure all those wonderful memories the 2 of you made together. You have a very special angel smiling down on you.

patti_cake said...

I am so sorry, it's so hard to lose a beloved grandparent. I know :(

MamaMichelsBabies said...

Ah hun *hugs* Sending thoughts and prayers to you and yours. I'm so sorry.

Humincat said...

I'm so sorry about losing your Grandpa. Mine died suddenly, and it was so unexpected, we all just sat around in shock. I will pray for your Grandmother. See ya.

Choppzs said...

I am so sorry for your loss!!! My thoughts are with you guys!

Emma Sometimes said...

OH, I am so sorry bossy. I always got teary when I read of your grandpa. What a wonderful legacy he leaves. I'll be thinking and praying for you and your family. Big hugs!!

Sandi said...

I am so sorry for your loss. No matter how prepared you are it still comes as a shock. I am glad you could be with him in this final days. May peace be with you!

Michael Manning said...

Katie really said what I had planned, Bossy! Smart advice!!! My thoughts and prayers are with you!

"T" said...

I am so sorry :(

Please try to get some rest. I know it's hard.

Love, T

Angie said...

hey girl, just came on here.....I'm so sorry to hear about your grandpa. It is so hard losing a grandparent, especially when we are close to them.

know that you are in my thoughts and prayers....love ya, ang

Cliff said...

I'm so sorry to have read this bb. I'm thinking that it might take some time to realize how fortunate you were...and still are. Good families come from folks like your Gramps. It would seem that he did his job on this earth to perfection. He won't be gone until you quit talking about him.
Prayers are on the way for you and shaky and all.

Jamie Dawn said...

I'm so sad now.
I'm sad for you and for your whole family.
Poor Butch Bee... he is really feeling this loss, as you said. How very heartbreaking for him.
Hugs from me, and I am praying for you as you go through this.
You had a GREAT Gramps!!!!!
What a wonderful blessing he was in your life.

Kendra Lynn said...

I'm so so sorry about your grandpa.
My prayers are with you guys.


Britmum said...

I am so sorry to read you sad news about your Grandpa.

I am glad that you chose to go and see your Grandpa.

Hugs to all of you xxxx

Tomscockwhore said...

My condolences. I see in the later post that he passed this week. Take your time coming back. Much love..

Chels-Puddle Jumper said...

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry to read about your grandpa passing. I'm glad you got to see him and be with him. I'm sure that meant the world to him. I'll be keeping you and your family in my prayers.

1 plus twins said...

i know i left you a message on your myspace but i just wanted you to know that i have you and your family in my thoughts and prayers!! i am so sorry for your loss!!

Meow (aka Connie) said...

Oh, that is so sad. I am so sorry for your and your family's loss. Know that I am thinking of you all.
Take care, hugs, Meow

Tom said...

Bossy, my best to You and Shaky and the Bees....Grandpa is in heaven and really in heaven he really has only begun to LIVE....He does live on through Your's and the kids personalities and what You are now has part of him in it.. ..I'm sure He'd want you to stay close with Gram but you know that I'm sure..God Bless

The Kept Woman said...

Be sure to go and give the Indians some money, just for him. You know he'd want you too.


Scarlet said...

Great tribute to grandpa. He's a big part of your life and he has sto stick around to see those little bees grow! I don't know him, but I'm praying for him!

Jamie Dawn said...

Just stopping in to say hello.
I'm thinking of you and your family.

Humincat said...

Come on Bossy! I need some of your tender lovin blog to get me through my day, so at least post that you are alive and kicking, please!!!! Honestly, I'm so sorry about your Grandpa, and I hope you feel better (lame word, couldn't think of a BETTER one) soon.

Wethyb said...

I'm so sorry honey. I know totally how you feel.