Downer Debbie..re post from march 2007

this is a repost, I wrote this a few months back....My grandpa died today. I was there holding his hand. When I saw him Monday, I told him I would see him tommorw, he seemed fine, I mean he seemed a bit tired and was breathing hard and coughing, but he seemed ok..He saw the kids, got tears in his eyes..

I am heartbroken right now as my grandpa meant the world to me. A week ago today my dad and new mommy took him to a Tiger baseball game, that would be his last. He loved the Tigers and spent most evenings in the summer listeing to the games on the radio or watching it on tv.

And a week later, he is gone...that fast..

I wont be around for a while, his funeral is Friday and I am going to be very busy..

Please say a prayer for my grandma and the rest of my family...and poor Butch is taking it very hard...after I told him he burst into tears and wanted to go to thier house so he could sit in grandpas chair..

Thanks for all your comments and good thoughts, I need all the cheering I can get..

Some of the comments on here are from my orginal post...

Thanks for everything and this flipping beeach will see u floppers on the flip side.





Unlike my normal funny self, I am off center. I don't feel funny. I feel lost, I feel out of sorts, I feel confused.



I worry, I try to block shit out of my head.



My grandpa starts his radiation Monday. I have heard from a few people back home whom have seen him around town, that he isn't looking to good. he looks a bit pale, and he doesn't seem as chipper as he always is. This concerns me.



My grandpa, pictured here with my grandma and the bees





















His name is David. he will be 88 in June. He likes to fish and loves to take trips to the casino.

My grandpa on my 12 th birthday got me a bracelet. A gold bracelet with my name engraved on it, and an emerald heart charm dangling down, on the back it said "love grandpa"

I loved that thing, I wore it all the time. Then one day I set it by the bathroom sink, and I am not sure what happened to it after that. I have been crushed ever since.

When I was little, I would sit on my grandpa's lap and ask him over and over again if I could see his scare. Ya see, some 30 years prior he had his appendix out, and I saw his scare once when he had his shirt off, and i always begged to see the scare across his tummy, and every time, he showed me.

When I was in school I would draw him pictures. Always pictures of a man or child fishing. he framed all of them and still has one on their bedroom wall.

He let me drive his brand new car when I got my drivers license. He never let anyone drive his new cars.

When I was in track every time my event was on, he walked down to the track field from the stadium and stood their while I did it. Long jump, shot put, 100 meter dash..he was always standing right there.

All piano recitals, singing shows, whatever. him and grandma were always there.

When I got married, he was all teary eyed. When I had The Boy, he was so proud. Him and the boy bonded instantly. He would walk his sorry ass to the park, take his sorry ass for wagon rides, lay on the floor with him while he napped and just starred at him, went to every t-ball game he had at the city park, even if its cold or down pouring. Any special event, he was there. Grandparents day events, even though he was the great grandpa, he was there.

Same with Blondie. Although we moved when she was 4, and she is now 7, he went to whatever she had going on.

I know if he lived here, he would not of missed any of her wrestling matches or basketball games..

Poor Boo, we moved when she was 14 months, so he has missed a lot of her milestones, but a bonus for him, she is retarded so he still hasn't missed much and she is nearly 4.

When ever I go home for a visit he asks me " wanna go donate money to the Indians"

which means he wants to go gambling. He loves going to the casino. A few times a year he heads over with a group of other old people and they have a day of giving money to the Indians.

When I was home last summer,before I left he gave me an envelope. he told me it was money to get over the bridge. I told him I don't need any money, and with a tear in his eye, he put the envelope back in my hand. I hugged him, told him I loved him and we left for home.

When we got on the road, my mom opened it, he had put 100 bucks in there for us. Even though he knew I did not need it, he still worried and gave me the money.

I am torn. I want to go home and see him. I know he is fine right now. I know he is ok. But I worry if I don't go, something might happen and I will not have been able to see him. If I do go, I am worried about what he will be like. Once he starts his treatments, I know he will be a tad weak and not feeling well. I don't want to see him that way. But I don't NOT want to go see him just because I am worried about what he looks like.

I have the will, I have the means. why don't I go? I love this guy. My kids love this guy, I guess I have an envision of him living forever. I have an envision of this older gentleman with graying hair showing me his scare he got 40 years prior to my birth.

The same man who let me look at his war books. He was in WW2 and had some sort of books with pictures from the war. One of the books had pictures of men in the showers. This was the first time I saw a naked mans goods. I would sit and stare at it for minutes. I don't think he realized that was in there. One day my grandma said " what r u letting her look at that book for?"

he said " she was reading up on the war?" Then grandma told him " there are naked men in the showers in that book, right on this page."

He then took the book and told me if I had any question about the war, he was the go to guy from now on.

Anyway, my whole point is, I am at a stand still. I don't know what I should do. I am about 100 percent confident he will live a few more years, but just the thought of him ever leaving us, is a total ass kicking for me.

I have not told the bees there is even anything wrong with him. I cant tell them anything. I can barely handle the fact that something may be wrong with him.

When I was little I always wanted to go fishing with him. My grandma would tell I could not go because when they are out in the middle of Lake Huron, how did I think they went potty. The peed off the side of the boat and that would be indecent exposure. And a little girl did not need to be around a bunch of old men who will be piddling off the side of a boat.

I am just trying to muddle thru it all. I know he is fine right now, but one of these days, he wont be. I only wish right now I lived closer. I wished when i did live there I would of spent more time there.

When I was a kid my sister and I would fight over who got to stay the night. On Saturday nights grandma would make some air popped popcorn, and make a special bowl with no salt or butter for, and we would sit in the living room and watch Hee-Haw. God I hated Hee-HAW, But I loved watching it with them.

I loved doing anything with them