Tuesday, July 17, 2007

free bird

I thought I would take a few minutes and crap out a real post from my anal cavity for u.

Lets see, where to start...well I have had a pretty shitty week. Go figure.

I am just grateful I listened to my gut and came here. I mean if I would of waited even a few more hours/days...I would of missed everything. My grandpa would of never seen me or my kids again...

I walked into his hospital room Monday night and he looked at me and said " well what are you doing here?" I said to him.." no, what the hell are U doing here?"

He did not look good, and was breathing hard, but not in any condition I thought to die anytime soon. I went back up to see him Monday night and I swear to God he was fine, he looked and sounded better then a few hours before...In fact, he was joking around and being his normal self....I felt very confident when I left that night that would be seeing him the next day and the day after....and after..

Well it did not work out that way. I got up to the hospital at 645 am to see him laying in his bed struggling to breath. I held his hand, rubbed his leg, and tried hard not looking at him, as it brought tears to my eyes. His eyes were open, but had no sparkle to them..I looked in his eyes, and for the first time, I didn't see grandpa. As I look at him, I feel very confused. I want him to die, only because I can not stomach watching him gasp for air...but I don't want him to die, I want him to get better..come out of it some how.

Well at around 11am, I held his hand as he took his last breath. He was surrounded by family..Me, my dad, my grandpa, my aunt, my uncle, his brother, his sister, and mr shaky...It was one of the worst days ever in my life...

I was glad to see him not suffering, but the selfish part of me, was mad...Mad because I would never get to go to the casino with him again, mad that he wouldn't be around to do anything with me anymore...No more fishing, no more eating peanuts, no more stories...He always had stories..I musta heard some of the same stories 100 times in my life...Either he thought the story was THAT funny or amusing, or he liked torturing me with the same shit...It didn't matter, I always listened.

What makes me sick inside is I know his mind was all there up until the end..I can not imagine knowing your dying, the feeling, the thoughts going thru your mind..

At one time he was getting antsy, I went up to his face , took off his O2 mask and asked if he needed anything...I asked if he was cold, he had no blanket, and it was chilly in there...

He looked at me and shook his head no...

I did not know what to do...I hated being in that situation..

I am glad its over...I am glad he is not suffering.

Oh and this would only happen to me, during visitation at the funeral home Thursday the whole town lost power...For nine hours.

Wanna know why...

A squirrel got caught in the power station, or whatever the hell u call it.

Only at my grandpa's showing, would the whole city lose power because of a squirrel.

I kid u not...I cant make this stuff up people.

I want to thank the ones who sent flowers, my close friends and such...It meant a lot to see flowers from u guys up there...and I am in the process of writing thank you cards...

Lets see what else..

Oh lets talk about the weather...

Back home its around 95-100....

here....it has not hit 80 since I have been here..I am so being cheated out of summer.

My mom calls me and rubs it in.

oh, its so hot, I cant even breath when I go outside, I can fry an egg on the sidewalk..


I feel outta place..I hate depending on people for shelter and such..

I try to go from house to house...

Don't want to burden my dad and his new wife, I mean I know what newlyweds like to do...and I don't want any part in them not being able to make whoppie when they wanna.

So I have been staying with my lesbian friend too..

She is now going to the Lep show with me next week.

Me and the lesbian are hitting a rock show, at least I am for certain she wont be fighting me for one of them..

Well, I am done...I wont post again until I get home which will be somewhere around August 5th or 6th..

I will try and come and comment and stuff..I don't want anyone thinking I have forgotten them, nor do i want any of u to forget lil ole me..

I will be in touch...

Keep flipping...( for the love of God please keep kicking)


jsull28fl@yaho said...

well im first, i always knew i was best lookin
the funeral thing always sucks a big ole sasquach peter
it just does
what sucks at least that bad is that the longer you live the more of that u are gonna haveta deal with.
have a big ole time at the concert
if u take some home movies with the gay chick u can make a lil sextra dough peddlin it on the internet!!!!!
glad u got to see ur g-dad
it meant more to him that u kno i suspect
and he loved the biy best right?? So surely he got a big ole grin when Butch appeared
u did good
buy me sumthin nice at the concert!
ur fave cracker J

Katie said...

I am so sorry to hear of your grandpa's passing.

Karin said...

I am way to raw to really have much to say right now. A lot of what you posted was so much how things went with my Dad. I never really believed he was going until the end. I am feeling so selfishbecause I want him back for better or worseso that at least he will meet my son. I hope for you that you will go through this grief process and it will be easier than it has been for me. See you soon.

Choppzs said...

I am sorry about your Gpa! It sucks big time! Maybe the squirrel was a sign that your Gpa still has his sense of humor! One last joke from him??

Hurry back and be good!

Tom said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
KrazyMom said...

I heard about the power situation and it never registered to me that it was the same day you were at the funeral home! You are right, that would only happen to you! LOL.

Try to have some down time while you are there, catching up with everyone. Can't wait to see ya Saturday!!

just_tammy said...

No, you can't make some of this stuff up. Not even you are that creative.

I'm so glad you were there with your grandpa. I didn't want to say anything before, but the first thing that popped into my mind when you said he had passed away was you guys couldn't make a final contribution to the Indians.

Anyway, try to enjoy the concert and the rest of your visit. Maybe by the time you get home we will no longer be homeless so take your time...

Tom said...

I was told when my Dad passed that you really don't mourn the person as they are in a better world, it's that you mourn the life you had with them. I think it's true. Very soon you'll be celebrating his life and it really was a hell of a life! He was everything a Gramp should be, there's a lot of cranky old geezers who never did much and are miserable, he certainly wasn't one of them! I would have loved to give "some money to the Red man"with him which is what we say here going to the Awkwesasne casino.

oliveoyl64 said...

I had the same close relationship with my Papa and I was only 14 when he passed. You will grieve at the most inappropriate times, and it won't be from sadness, but like someone else mentioned, you will be remembering something great or fun you two had done.

I was with my Grandmother the night b/f she passed and I know if I hadn't seen her that night I would have hated the shit out of myself for not going. You did the right thing by going and being with Grandpa, even though it was probably the hardest thing you will ever do by letting him go. You should have peace knowing how much he loved you.

I don't even know you except through cyber space, but I am still shedding tears for you and your family.

Flip Flop Goddess said...

just letting u know I am here and reading your comments, just dont hve time to comment back.


Working Mom said...

I'm glad you were able to be there for your Grandfather. I'm sure he was very happy to see you and the kids.

Hell, no words will ever be able to make you feel better. Just know that I'm thinking about you and your family!!

Michele_3 said...

Hey sweetie,
I'm sorry about your grandfather passing away, I just caught up on you we had been on vacation.

It is good you got to see your grandfather, I saw my grandmother before she passed & took her last breathe as well- I know how hard that is to see..
Take time out for yourself,We'll be here when you get back!! Your in my thoughts!

Kendra Lynn said...

I'm glad you were there for the last days...that is so important.
I know it was painful, but you at least know you had one more time to tell him you loved him.
You are in my prayers.


Tom said...

Reading your post, I came to the part where you mentioned everyone with your Gramp and "brother", "uncle", "sister" etc...then............"Mr.Shaky"......I don't know why but that nickname just makes me giggle..
A mental image of solemn people standing there and a shaking cartoon character next to them.
Hang in Bossy!

patti_cake said...

Wonderful post, I know some of the pain and confusion you felt.My Grandpa's last words to me were "I love you too,honey". I will never forget the, or him. Your Grandpa sounds alot like mine. Alot. Oh how I wish I could hear one of his stories again.

just another MoM said...

So sorry for you and your family , My heart aches for you , Hope you feel better ,take care .

Wendy said...

We went through this with my grandpa last year. It has been hard not having him around but at least we know he isn't suffering anymore.

Have fun at the concert and hang in there!

Humincat said...

You seem like the kinda girl who attract lesbian's easily, don't know why, I always thought that though. Like a friendly, girly, I can take you down in 3 seconds flat, sorta way. Hope your laughing, see ya.

Ba Doozie said...

well I never know what to say about death and such so usually I dont say anything but in this case I will say that you sound like a really awesome grand daughter!

Jamie Dawn said...

Well, your dear Gramps has passed on and now you are left with that stunned feeling that we all get when someone we love dies. It really sucks.
I understand that torn feeling... glad he's not suffering, but mad he's gone.
During this blog break of yours, you will not be forgotten. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!! It would be impossible to forget YOU!! :-)
Enjoy your family and friends while you're there. I'm sure they are happy to share their homes with you.
Mooch off of them as much as possible before you come back home. If they offer money, take it. If they offer food, take it. If they offer shelter, take it.

Neurotic1 said...

Damn squirrels anyways! No that would not only happen to you~that could only happen in that damn crap happy town ;)

I am glad you got to see your gramps! I know it meant the world to him!

I miss you and need some good ol' bossy humor!

Chels-Puddle Jumper said...

I'm so sorry to read that your grandpa passed, but I'm so glad you got there to spend some more time with him. I'm sure, with or without electricity, you and your family did something to honor him the way he deserved to be honored.
And next time I go the casino around here, I'll drop a quarter in the slot in his honor.

Princess said...

Hey Bossy,
I am sorry for your Grandpa :(

My heart goes out to you and your family!


Hails said...

Im so sorry to hear about your grandpa babe. I hope you are okay. ***BIG HUGS***